The Last Will and Testament of BQB’s Uncle, the Late Hardass J. Scrambler

I, Hardassimo (Hardass for short) J. Scrambler, being of sound enough mind and old as shit body, do hereby state the following:

  • BQB's Late Uncle Hardass J. Scrambler

    BQB’s Late Uncle Hardass J. Scrambler

    That my nephew, Bookshelf Q. Battler, is a colossal disappointment.  Typing on a “blog” for 3.5 readers.  Doesn’t anybody work anymore?  All my life, I slaved away in the salt mines for ten cents a day and I was glad to have it.  You didn’t see me trying to be a writer.  You young people, I tell ya’.  “Ooo I wanna be a writer!  Ooo I wanna be a rock star!  Ooo I wanna be an astronaut!’  Shut up and get a job in the salt mines already, ya buncha no good unwashed hippy bums.  Is a job at the salt mines a fun time?  Hell no, but it pays the bills so stop acting like you’re all too good for it.

  • That as of the writing of this will, my Doctor informs me that my declining health is the direct result of eating five bacon sandwiches a day.  Bullshit, I say.  Everyone knows that bacon sandwiches are chock full of necessary vitamins and minerals.
  • That if I die, it will actually be the result of the intense disappointment I feel over my nephew Bookshelf Q’ Battler’s ridiculous insistence on “writing.”  Newsflash, turds.  Only like a handful of people every generation get to be famous writers.  The rest of you?  SALT MINES!
  • That after I croak, my wife Gertrude aka Aunt Gertie, who encourages my bumbling nephew in his stupidity by being one of his 3.5 readers, should burn our house down rather than give it to Bookshelf Q. Battler when she decides to head off for the old folks’ home.
  • In the event Gertie goes against my wishes and hands over our house to my idiot nephew, which he’ll probably run around pretending it’s a secret compound or something, I reserve the right to wander the halls and haunt the shit out of that place.
  • My nephew should never forget that he did not live up to my expectations and I blame Gertie.  She was always coddling the boy.  Why, I remember one day I came home from an 18-hour shift at the salt mines and found that little twerp having a party with a bunch of his stupid friends.  I said, “Hey, ya’ moron!  Why don’t you do something productive for once and get a job in the salt mines?”  And you know what Gertie said?  “Hardass, BQB’s only three years old.  Let him enjoy his little birthday party.”  And I said, “That’s no excuse!  I was working in the salt mines the day after I was born!”
  • Finally, in the event that my lousy excuse for a nephew decides to write a serialized story called “Bookshelf Q. Battler and the Meaning of Life” (due out May 15) nobody should read it.  You’re just encouraging his buffoonery.  You want to know the meaning of life?  You’re born.  You work at the salt mines.  You kick the bucket it.  That’s it.  That’s all you do.

Signed:  Uncle Hardassimo (Hardass) J. Scrambler

Don’t listen to Uncle Hardass.  He’s probably just cranky because he makes a cameo in BQB’s upcoming blog serial.  You should totally read it unless you’re not too busy working at the salt mines.

Grumpy old man photo courtesy of a shutterstock.com license.

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Apple Watch

Is anyone going to get one?

If you there’s a phone in your hand that does everything a smart phone can do, why do I need a watch on my wrist that provides a smaller version of the smart phone?

Am I missing something?

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Movie Review – The Age of Adaline (2015)

It’s an eternal romance that makes you think about the fragility of life and love.

Bookshelf Q. Battler here to review the crap out of The Age of Adaline.

Warning:  spoilers to come.

The incomparable Blake Lively, star of stage, screen and many of Bookshelf Q. Battler’s fantasies stars as Adaline Bowman.  Born at the turn of the Twentieth Century, she experiences a freak accident that leaves her ageless.  No matter how many years pass, she continues to remain young and beautiful.

TRAILER – Age of Adaline – Lionsgate

When Adaline hits her forties, people begin asking questions about how she’s managed to remain so youthful and so her life of solitude begins.  Afraid to reveal her secret, she packs up and moves to a new place every ten years, taking on a new identity every time she does so.

Tragically, she refuses to look for love as she figures it will be too heartbreaking when she grows old while a significant other remains young.

Continue reading

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Alien Jones – Taking Your Questions

The Intergalactic Space Force is a pants optional organization.

The Intergalactic Space Force is a pants optional organization.

He’s small.  He’s smart.

He literally has no need for pants.

He’s Alien Jones and he’s taking your questions right here on the Bookshelf Battle Blog.

How did the universe begin?

Why are we here?

What does the future hold in store for us?

Is there a Burger Queen or does the Burger King lead an incredibly lonely life?

No question is too big or too small for the Esteemed Brainy One to answer.

Heck, he might even plug your book, blog or other writing project in his “Ask the Alien” column, a semi-regular feature on bookshelfbattle.com

And you don’t even need to be a published scribe with something to promote to consult the knowledge of He of the Great Gray Matter.

Submit your questions to Bookshelf Q. Battler, Owner and Proprietor of this blog.  You can do so through a tweet to @bookshelfbattle, or drop it in the comments on this site, or stop by BQB’s Google Plus Page:

https://plus.google.com/+BookshelfBattleblog

All inquiries will be forwarded to Alien Jones’ spaceship and he will get to them when he isn’t busy fighting the dastardly Moloklaxons (Officially Branded as the A-Holes of the Universe).

Alien photo courtesy of a shutterstock.com license.

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Happy Star Wars Day

May the 4th be with you…ha!  Get it?  Get it?

Because…you know…the 4th…sounds like “force?”

Oh forget it and watch the trailer again:

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Game of Thrones – Season 5 – Episode 4 – “The Sons of the Harpy” – Wrap Up 5/3/15

I totally lied.

I’m road tripping it a few days (which will make the one post a day challenge interesting) and wasn’t sure I’d be able to watch Game of Thrones tonight.

But I did!

So here we go (SPOILERS – Seriously, perhaps the BIGGEST SPOILER OF THE SERIES COMING):

  • Jamie and Bronn – Great fight scene and Jamie realizes his fake hand is good for something.
  • Sand Snakes – Ellaria is going forward with a plan to go to war.
  • The Sparrows – Cersei’s done an end run around the Council, creating her own private religious army to sic on sinners who happen to piss her off.  (I’m a little surprised Ser Loras didn’t kick a few asses before being caught).  Also, we’re pretty sure she’s going to have Ser Meryn wack poor trusting Lord Tyrell on the way to the Iron Bank aren’t we?
  • Tommen – Caught between his wife and mother.  Kid’s totally whipped.
  • Selmy and Gray Worm – Quite an amazing fight scene with the Sons of the Harpy.  Is Selmy gone?
  • Jorah and the Imp – Sounds like a buddy cop show.  Tyrion’s right.  What a waste of a good kidnapping.  He was on his way to see the Khaleesi anyway.
  • Jon Snow – Dude resisted the Red Woman’s advances.  There’s a man who takes his vows seriously.  Maybe too seriously because wow…you know, the Red Woman is hot and stuff.  (By the way, he knows nothing!!!)
  • Stannis – Stannis’ speech about all he did to save his daughter when everyone else told him to give up rose his stock in my book.
  • Sansa/Littlefinger – Sansa mentions that Rhaegar kidnapped and raped her aunt, Lyanna Stark, who had been betrothed to Robert Baratheon.  Littlefinger didn’t say anything in response but had a knowing look on his face.  This was actually a big time dropped bombshell.  A)  If Rhaegar didn’t kidnap Lyanna then Robert’s rebellion was in vain and B) maybe those two had a kid…a kid that…KNOWS NOTHING!!! DUN DUN DUN!

What did I miss?  What was your favorite part?

Good old Bookshelf Q. Battler, going that extra mile for his adoring 3.5 fans!

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Book Review – “Plan B” – Jonathan Tropper (2000)

I am just spoiling my 3.5 readers silly with book reviews all over the place lately.

Tropper's Plan B earns a place on my shelf.

Tropper’s Plan B earns a spot on my shelf.

Plan B is humorist Jonathan Tropper’s novel, released in 2000, about a group of friends who experience the harsh realities that come with the territory of turning thirty years old.

In fact.  “Thirty.  Shit.”  is a common refrain throughout the work.

Before I start my review, I’d like to offer the following comparison between Bookshelf Q. Battler of ten years ago and BQB of today:

UPON SEEING A SUPER HOT WOMAN

BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER 10 YEARS AGO – Wow.  I must find a way to win her heart.  I will go out of my way to please her and spend my days thinking of ways to make her happy.  All I have is hers.  I will work to turn myself into a man who deserves such a spectacular creature.

BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER TODAY – Oh Jesus H. Christ she looks like a whole helluvalot of work.  Probably needy and demanding.  Probably will expect me to bend over backwards for her.  Probably wants all my money.  I’ll have to compete with every other jackass that wants her. Come on, sure she’s pretty but it’s not like rainbows shoot out of her butt or anything. God, I’m too exhausted for all that hullabaloo.  NEXT!

ON HEALTH

BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER 10 YEARS AGO – I’m going to run twenty miles and stay up all night!

BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER TODAY – I ate an expired yogurt.  Should I go to the emergency room?

ON DREAMS

BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER 10 YEARS AGO – I’ve worked so hard!  All my dreams will come true now!

BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER TODAY – My dream for today is to come home, watch Netflix, eat a taco, and fall asleep in a barcalounger.  All who interfere with my dream will suffer my wrath.

The great transfer from youth to adulthood is the crux of Tropper’s novel.

As a big humor fan, I’m not sure how it took me so long to read one of Tropper’s books.  He writes with a witty style, yet still manages to jam in enough seriousness to keep a plot moving.  The sign of a good author is that after reading one of his books, you want to read his other works, and that’s how Tropper left me feeling here.

In life, you start with Plan A.  You’re young.  You look at the world through rose colored glasses.  You truly believe anything is possible, that if you work hard enough, the world will give you a fair shake.  Ask a young person what they’re going to do when they grow up, and they will often tell you with great determination that they’re going to be an actor, musician, athlete, or insert other celebrated occupation here.

Then time passes.  The world knocks you around.  You experience your first breakup.  You suffer career setbacks.  You don’t get that plum job you wanted.  You find yourself feeling lucky to have any job at all.  Time keeps moving.  You suddenly realize that time is limited and there isn’t enough left to get yourself to where you always dreamed of being.

You end up having to go for, as Tropper puts it, “Plan B.”  You try to forgive yourself for not achieving the life you always wanted.  You learn to live life as best as you can with what you have left.

The story focuses around a group of now grown up college friends – Jack, Chuck, Lindsey, Allison, and Ben, the narrator.  They’re all adjusting to life after turning thirty years old.  They’re all finding that life isn’t what they thought it would be when they were young.

Ben thought he’d be a famous novelist by thirty.  Instead, he has a low level, cubicle dwelling magazine job.  Worse, he’s getting divorced from his wife, Sarah.  He’s hung up on his old girlfriend, Lindsey, who suffers from commitment-phobia.  She goes from job to job and man to man, never committing to any kind of stability for fear she’ll be stuck in the same ole, same ole forever.

Chuck is a successful doctor, but as a former fat kid who dieted his way skinny, he’s forever stuck in a rut of chasing after women, assumably out of a fear that he has to scoop up as many as he can before his latest body issue, a receding hair line, leaves him bald and unattractive.

Allison has spent her life yearning for Jack, the most successful of the bunch.  He’s a millionaire movie star but the twist?  Fame and fortune have turned out to be all they’re cracked up to be.  He suffers from a severe cocaine addiction that’s drawing paparazzi attention and threatening his health.

The group grows concerned about their friend and when an intervention fails, they take the unconventional route of kidnapping him, transporting him to Allison’s parents’ vacation home, and holding him prisoner until the cocaine is out of his system.  Along the way, Jack goes through withdrawals and eventually escapes and disappears, causing the world to suspect the friends of foul play.  It then becomes a goofy romp as the group searches for Jack and maintains their innocence.

Yeah, on the surface cocaine and kidnapping do not sound like the ingredients of a humorous story, but the talented Tropper can make anything funny.

Some of the references may be dated.  Others manage to stand the test of time.  Maybe Tropper could write a sequel, Plan C, about how the characters find life as a bunch of fifty year olds.  By then, they’ll probably yearn for the days when they were thirty.

STATUS:  Shelf worthy.

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No Game of Thrones Wrap Up Tonight

Hey Fantasy Nerds,

My apologies, there will be no Game of Thrones wrap-up tonight on the Bookshelf Battle Blog.

In the meantime, you should really be reading the top notch tale that is “Game of Yetis.”  Here’s the most recent installment.IMG_1757

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Book Review – A Catcher in the Rye – JD Salinger (1951)

Hey 3.5 Readers,

20010-DEFAULT-l

Buncha phonies.

Alien Jones is taking a Sunday off so I, your humble blog host, Bookshelf Q. Battler can provide you some commentary and analysis on the controversial classic novel, The Catcher in the Rye by JD Salinger.

Yes, once in awhile an honest to god book review happens here on the Bookshelf Battle Blog.

I’ve heard about this book my entire life, but only about how controversial it is, how it was banned and considered subversive when it first came out.

I never knew what it was about, but given all the negative hype, I assumed it must be something awful that would turn me into a crazed wacko hippy or something.

So when I finally cracked it open, I was surprised to find it’s just about a kid wandering around New York City in a dazed and confused manner.

Even more surprising?  It is equal parts sad and hilarious.

The protagonist?  One Holden Caulfield, a highly opinionated wayward youth whose soul is a bottomless pit of complaints.  From his friends at school to random people he meets, from Hollywood to New York City, everyone, is, to Holden “a phony.”

It took me a moment to get used to 1951 speak.  If this novel is a barometer of culture during the middle of the last century, then apparently youngsters of the time said some pretty bizarre things.

How to Speak Like Holden Caulfield

  • Phonies – Everyone’s a phony.  Hey you!  Yeah you, the only one reading this review!  You’re a phony!
  • And All – Pretty much thrown in at the end of every other sentence.  “So then I went to the park and all and there were some people there and all and I sat on a bench and all…”
  • Madman – Used to describe anything out of the ordinary.  “Those marbles bounced around like madmen.”
  • Goddamn – I don’t know if kids in 1951 said “goddamn” a lot or if Salinger didn’t think he could get away with dropping more than a few F-bombs without being kicked out of the country or something.
  • Really Was – In case you don’t believe him, Holden reminds you that he, she, or it (whatever or whomever he is discussing) “really was” whatever it is he’s saying they were.
  • Put them All Together – “So I went to the bar and all and the waiter was a real goddamn phony.  He really was.  He handed me a gin and tonic and I drank it like a mad man.  I really did and all.”

Continue reading

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And Now a Message from The Yeti

Hello pitiful 3.5 readers.

The Yeti - Back by Unpopular Demand

The Yeti – Back by Unpopular Demand

This is the Yeti, former occupier of the Bookshelf Battle Blog, now prisoner in Bookshelf Battle HQ basement, from which I am only released on Thursday nights to watch Scandal with Bookshelf Q. Battler and the weird short alien man.

First, let me say, “ROAR!”

Second, let me tell you that I am guilty of nothing but good taste.  I tried to direct you 3.5 people away from Bookshelf Q. Battler’s lame pop culture obsessions and feast your eyes on lesser known gems, such as my beloved Olga’s Stewstravaganza Part 2: Electric Stewgaloo.

You must watch Olga’s Strewstravaganza Part 1 first as you will be hopelessly lost if you try to wade your way into Part 2 without taking in the breathtaking splendor of Part 1.

But you clowns ignored me and follow @bookshelfbattle on Twitter and now I am defeated by the many roundhouse kicks that were delivered by the amazing Bookshelf Q. Battler straight to my Yeti face.

Perhaps I am a glutton for punishment, but allow me one last chance to reason with you people.

Don’t mark your calendars for May 15.  That’s the day when BQB’s story, “Bookshelf Q. Battler and the Meaning of Life” begins right on this horrendous excuse for a blog.

Honestly, what does BQB know about life?  If it isn’t at the bottom of a bottle of Dew of the Mountain then that loser knows nothing about it.

Next, I urge you to not mark your calendars for June 1.  That’s the day BQB’s Project X will land on this blog’s runway.  He claims its a project so awesome that he doesn’t want to share too much about it at this time.

Let’s face it.  He’s probably going to shave me on a live podcast.

Actually, that would probably be delightful.  Summer’s on the way and all this fur is a bitch come July.

So do mark your calendars or don’t.  I don’t care.  But as you cheer on your false prophet, the incredibly dimwitted BQB, know that he is exceptionally mean to Yetis.

Why, he doesn’t even let me hold the remote during Scandal.

In conclusion, Yetis love Scandal.

We really do.

Yeti picture courtesy of a shutterstock.com license.

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