In honor of the end of the True Blood HBO Series (based on the Sookie Stackhouse Novels by Charlaine Harris):
BILL and SOOKIE sit at a booth at Merlotte’s.
BILL: Soo-keh. Soo-keh. Listen to how I pronounce your name prominently in the manner of a Southern gentleman.
SOOKIE: That don’t mean no thang Bill. I still ‘aint decided whether I love you or Eric or Alcide. Actually, I sure ‘nuf reckon I don’t like Alcide even though he’s the only one of y’all that ‘aint tryin to eat me for breakfast.
LAFAYETTE strolls over from the kitchen.
LAFAYETTE: Mmm mmm, Sookie Stackhouse you look prettier than a basket of buttered biscuits. Girl, have you been readin’ that Bookshelfbattle.com? Can you believe that tired old has been ‘aint even written one book review this month?
SOOKIE: That’s ok Lafayette. He still tries his best. And he’s a proponent of literature. Didn’t you read his <a href=“http://bookshelfbattle.com/2014/08/03/the-poets-battle-the-road-not-taken-robert-frost/”> post about the Road Not Taken by Robert Frost?</a>
LAFAYETTE: Hooker, please. You know I don’t look this fabulous by sittin’ around readin’ blog posts about philosophical poetry.
LAFAYETTE snaps his fingers and walks off. SAM walks over.
SAM: Hi Sook. Bill.
SOOKIE READS SAM’S MIND AS THE “SOOKIE READS A MIND MUSIC” PLAYS
SAM’S THOUGHTS: Geez, I hope Sookie doesn’t realize that I add absolutely nothing to the plot and just serve as yet another man who is in love with her but she refuses to love because she’s only into dudes that keep putting her into danger or try to eat her for breakfast for some strange reason.
SAM hands them some menus and exits.
MEANWHILE AT JASON’S HOUSE
JASON and JESSICA are under the covers, talking.
JASON: We ‘aint bad people for cheatin behind Hoyt’s back are we? What with me bein’ his best friend and you bein’ his girlfriend and all? Tarnation, I sure do sound like I’m from the South, y’all.
JESSICA: I think it’s ok. Hoyt’s like an ancillary character at best.
JASON: Alright then. Hush puppies and crawdaddies, I sure do sound like I’m from the South, even though I’m an Australian.
JESSICA: I still feel bad about it though. Our affair is as sordid and scandalous as <a href=“http://bookshelfbattle.com/2014/08/09/james-patterson-weighs-in-on-amazon-vs-hachette-battle/”>the ongoing dispute between Amazon and Hachette.</a>
JASON: Boy howdy, you really crowbarred that one in, didn’t ya’?
PAM: The other day I clicked on bookshelfbattle.com – He’s supposed to be reviewing books but instead he’s blabbing on and on like an idiot about The Simpsons. Like anyone cares to read about <a href=“http://bookshelfbattle.com/2014/08/24/lyrics-to-tito-puentes-senor-burns/”>Tito Puente’s Senor Burns Song.</a>
ERIC: Hi! I’m Eric Northman! You might remember me from such historical events as the Vikings’ Dominion over Scandanavia and that time Godrick and I were Nazi werewolf hunters!
PAM: My God. You’re not watching that damn Every Simpsons Ever Marathon on FXX are you?
ERIC: I am! How the hell else do you expect anyone to find out what channel FXX is on before the Fall shows come rolling in?
PAM: And I suppose you wasted your time reading that post about <a href=“http://bookshelfbattle.com/2014/08/23/hi-im-troy-mcclure/”>Troy McClure’s filmography?</a>
ERIC: I did! And it was delightful!
GINGER walks in.
GINGER: I think Bookshelfbattle.com sucks.
ERIC stares deeply into her eyes. The “Someone is Getting Glamored” Music Plays
ERIC: You do NOT think that bookshelfbattle.com sucks.
GINGER: I do NOT think that bookshelfbattle.com sucks.
ERIC: You think it is the best contribution to the literary world ever made.
GINGER: I do. The author of bookshelfbattle.com makes Shakespeare look like a pile of crap.
ERIC: Well, let’s not get carried away here.
AT THE POLICE STATION
ANDY: Damn it, Holly! This show has more plot holes than a piece of swiss cheese!
HOLLY: Now Andy Bellefleur don’t you go gettin’ on the writers’ cases again. You know they try their best!
ANDY: How come when some people drink V they act like they go on a big time drug hallucination trip and other times, when people are hurt, they drink it and they don’t trip at all?
HOLLY: I don’t know. I guess if you drink vampire blood when you’re hurt then you don’t trip?
ANDY: Ridiculous. And that time I pulled that car over and those people were in the back with Sam and I opened the back door and it was Sam shape-shifted into an alligator? Where’d the other people go? Sam eat them or something?
HOLLY: I don’t know.
ANDY: And all the vampires ever do is try to eat people and then complain about how vampire/human relations will never progress until humans trust them. How the hell are humans going to trust them when vampires are trying to eat them all the time?
HOLLY: I suppose it doesn’t make sense.
ANDY: And Stackhouse joins the force and is instantly my second in command? Are there no other cops that I can work with?
HOLLY: I guess sometimes the show gets silly.
ANDY: And Sam turns into a bug and flies into that lady’s mouth and exploded her from the inside out. Gratuitous violence if you ask me!
HOLLY: Yeah, and I suppose that time Bill turned that vampire woman’s head around backwards so he didn’t have to look at her face while they had relations got HBO a few irate phone calls.
ANDY: And Jessica ate like four of my faerie daughters and then I forgive her five minutes later!
HOLLY: It’s best not to try to make sense of it. Just go with the flow.
BACK AT MERLOTTE’S
SOOKIE AND BILL still at the booth.
BILL: So, you see, Soo-keh, I was assigned to spy on and capture you by the Vampire Queen.
SOOKIE: So you didn’t love me?
BILL: Not at first, but then I loved you later.
SOOKIE: Why did the Queen want me?
BILL: For your delicious faerie blood – which is what attracted me to you.
SOOKIE: So you don’t love me? You just love me for my faerie blood?
BILL: No, I love you. Can I have some faerie blood?
SOOKIE: This is all so gosh darn confusin.’
ANDYand Holly walk in.
ANDY: Tell me about it.
JESSICA AND JASON walk in.
JASON: Ok! So I had sex with 90 waitresses! They meant nothing to me! I can’t help it! I got like a disease or somethin’!
JESSICA: I don’t give a rat’s ass, Jason! And to find out about that expression and others, read about the bookshelfbattle.com <a href=“http://bookshelfbattle.com/2014/08/22/the-writers-battle-expressions/”>Expression Challenge!</a>
ANDY: Please, the bookshelfbattle.com expression challenge was dumber than a box of rocks.
SOOKIE: That’s true. That challenge did not cut the mustard.
SAM looks up from the bar.
SAM: Expression challenge? Sounds like the best idea since sliced bread…
GHOST TARA materializes.
GHOST TARA: Well, well, well, ‘aint this some shit! I been nice and friendly to all you white folk for six seasons and what do you do? Kill me off in the first episode of Season 7 without even showing it! Shit, before the credits even roll!
ANDY: Yeah! That was stupid! And you know what else is stupid about this show…
LETTIE MAY bursts in.
LETTIE MAY: My baby Tara! My baby Tara! She tryin’ to speak to me!
GHOST TARA: I’m right here, Mama.
LETTIE MAY: I can’t hear you, Tara! I’m tryin’ to find Tara! Oh, someone give me some drugs! I need lots of drugs to communicate with Tara!
GHOST TARA: Right here, Mom. You don’t need drugs.
LETTIE MAY: Girl, don’t sass me. If I say I need drugs to talk to you then I need drugs to talk to you.
LAFAYETTE saunters into the room. He looks at GHOST TARA and raises the palm of his hand in a “TALK TO THE HAND” Gesture.
LAFAYETTE: Hooker, please. Don’t even come in here with your tired Scooby Doo lookin’ ass tryin’ to haunt all the white folk. Auntie, let’s get you home.
LAFAYETTE turns to SOOKIE.
LAFAYETTE: And you! Ungrateful hooker! Seven seasons I been holdin’ your hand through all the dark times and you don’t let me say one of my sassy catch phrases in the finale! (He bobs his head around in a circle and snaps his fingers) For shame, Sookie Stackhouse! For shame!
LAFAYETTE storms off.
ANDY: And no one finds it on that Tara, a main character, croaks and no one takes a minute to feel sad about it?
HOLLY: Shut up, Andy.
JASON: Oh my God! Y’all look out the window! It’s fifty Hep V vampires comin’ to kill us!
SOOKIE: There’s too many of them! What are we gonna’ do?!
A black hole opens in the middle of the room. Three high school students and a wimpy British man walk through it.
XANDER: I know, I know. I’ll stay here while you and Willow go kick butt because my only special power is sarcasm.
BUFFY and WILLOW walk out the door. BUFFY stakes half the vampires. WILLOW casts a spell that blows up the other half with lightning bolts.
They return. The group mingles and talks for five minutes.
BY THE POOL TABLE:
GILES: Your faces don’t turn bumpy?
BILL: Nah, HBO couldn’t afford it.
IN A BOOTH:
SOOKIE: So Bill’s all gentlemanly when he tries to eat me. And Eric is all like “I’m a bad ass that doesn’t care about anything” when he tries to eat me. They both want to eat me but I love them anyway. I can’t figure out which one I love more.
BUFFY: I know. And Angel killed half of Europe hundreds of years ago but he’s all sweet and sensitive now that he got his soul back. And Spike killed the other half of olden times Europe but, well, he’s trying to be nicer. They’re both so cute.
ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE BAR:
SAM: I love Sookie and I don’t try to eat her but she won’t give me the time of day. And Alcide loved Sookie and he didn’t try to eat her but she didn’t love him either! It sucks to love a woman that rejects you for vampires who just want to eat her.
XANDER: Tell me about it.