Greetings Earth Losers.
Alien Jones, Intergalactic Correspondent
Of course, I call you all losers with the best of intentions. As Intergalactic Correspondent for Bookshelf Battle,
it’s my duty to provide knowledge and understanding to your pitiful excuse for a planet. With this column, I hope to alleviate your world’s colossal level of ignorance one question at a time. Only then will my fellow aliens stop using “I really Earthed that up!” as a phrase to describe how one made a catastrophic blunder.
The proprietor of this website, one Bookshelf Q. Battler, put the word out to his 3.5 readers that an alien was available to answer any and all questions. Answers to the universe’s many great mysteries don’t grow on trees, you know.
Three of you responded. The .5th of the other reader was apparently indisposed. I shall now put on my thinking cap and address your questions.
Kim Magennis’ blog, Whimsy is always a good time for sci-fi nerds. She writes:
BQB will esteemed Alien Jones tell us who built the pyramids, and if they are, as rumoured, intergalactic portals?
Disappointing as this news may be to you, aliens had nothing to do with the pyramids.
Yes, for their time, the pyramids of Ancient Egypt were marvels of human architecture. Aliens are often suspected of being involved, simply because the magnitude of such structures would be difficult for modern human contractors to construct, let alone those of the ancient times of Earth.
However, one must consider the fact that if you were to take the most breathtaking examples of human architecture available today, they would look like piles of alien expectorant when compared to the buildings of my home world. We have buildings that defy all of your Earth laws of physics and gravity. We have buildings that move around, levitate, rotate, reach up into the clouds, and even disappear and reappear on command.
In short, our buildings are like nothing your human brain can comprehend. Frankly, the idea that we superior aliens would be bothered to make a pile of bricks that come up to a point is a tad insulting.
Who did build the pyramids then? Alas, I can offer you no great explanation other than they were built by the ancient Hebrew slaves who were unjustly held captive by the Pharaoh.
If you’ve ever suffered through negotiations with an overweight, butt crack sporting American contractor, in which you were told it would take 3-6 months to build a deck on the back of your home, then your mind is understandably in awe of the idea that mere men could possibly construct pyramids.
However, keep in mind that in Ancient Egypt, there were no civil rights, and if the Pharaoh wanted his slaves to build him some pyramids, then he just had them whipped until he got what he wanted. If you were allowed to whip your contractor today, he’d have your deck built in 2.5 days. One if you whipped him really hard. Spare the whip, spoil the contractor, I always say.
That was truly a sad time in human history but thankfully, slavery is a thing of the past on your world.
As for portals to other dimensions, everyone knows those are only opened when you eat a box of junior mints and twirl around three times whilst singing Lady Gaga’s Poker Face.
Since only 3.5 people are reading this blog, I think it is safe to say that Lady Gaga is actually an alien. All of her songs are just the anthems of various planets. Bad Romance is the official song of my home world. It sounds better in my language. It loses something in the English translation.
Author Julie Shackman, whose new romantic comedy, Hero or Zero, is available on amazon, tweeted the following:
Hello human. Ahh, romance. It feels like just yesterday I met my government mandated life mate and we were legally required to provide samples of our genetic material in order to produce ten thousand clones in a laboratory. Upon completion of their gestation period, our cloned children were sent to toil away on the Gamphis Mines of Asteroid Delta 81Q. Kids. They grow up so fast. And do you think any of them bother to send so much as a direct-to-brain post card? No. Ingrates.
My favorite genre? It is difficult to say. The aliens of my world are the most intelligent of the entire universe. There is literally nothing we do not know. Therefore, we already know the contents of every book ever written. We even know the contents of books yet to be written, before the writer has even put his fingers on the keyboard.
We even know the future of your favorite television shows. SPOILER ALERT! In this alien’s humble opinion, the 2019 House of Cards/Game of Thrones crossover episode in which Frank Underwood dumps Claire and marries the Khaleesi will be the jump the shark moment for both programs.
Since we already know what happens in all literary works, it is hard for us to enjoy anything. We do produce our own books, but most of them involve complex mathematics, science, physics, and the occasional Firefly fan fiction.
If you are twisting my ganderflazer and forcing me to pick a genre, I’d have to go with female empowerment books. This alien was a big fan of Eat, Pray, Love. I can tell you there are times when I want to launch my government mandated life mate into the stratosphere, escape in a life pod, and tour the galaxy on a mission to find myself whilst squiring around an attractive Boglodon.
Have you ever seen a Boglodon? Their eyes are quite fetching. All sixteen of them. And even though mine is an asexual species, there is never a dull moment when a Boglodon is around.
THIRD AND FINAL QUESTION!
Author Joe Schwartz whose website is joesblacktshirt.com tweeted:
And a thank you to author Seb Kirby of sebkirby.com for retweeting news of my intergalactic correspondence to the masses.
Somewhere on Alvek, an alien is laughing all four of his butts off about this.
Mr. Schwartz, I must inform you that “the Dress” is actually a prank perpetrated by the dastardly Alvektarians. Theirs is a lowly species. They do very little other than sit around, consume complex carbohydrates, partake of inebriating substances, and think up pranks to pull on other alien races. Truly, I’d say Alvektarians are lowlier than humans, except that Alvektarians have mastered space flight, outlawed reality television, and I have never observed one of them go to a shopping center while wearing pajama pants.
They’ve been sending that dress photo to various planets for years and laughing their four separate and distinct butts off at the ensuing chaos. Planet Spandroxi, a once peaceful world, is now engulfed in the flames of a violent civil war over the dress photo.
The Spandroxis who look at the dress and see yellow and gold and those who look at it and see blue and black have been at each others’ throats for decades with no end in sight. The yellow and gold folks are particularly adamant, having captured several of the blue and black seeing individuals and forced them into reeducation camps where they are required to stare at the dress for days at a time and sign pledges swearing that the dress is yellow and gold.
Meanwhile, the Kwenlo Delegation, after a brief civil unrest, declared it treason to ever make mention of “the Dress.” Luckily, I’m not in Kwenlo territory or I’d be beaten with my own ganderflazer just for writing this column.
On my home world, my illustrious emperor has declared that “The Dress” is burnt sienna with just a touch of chartreuse, so I am bound by law (and an overwhelming desire to keep my ganderflazer attached to my body) to agree.
Thank you for your questions. I must now depart, for my government mandated life mate is bogarting all of the nutrition cubes again.
Alien Jones, whose real name is unpronounceable by humans, hails from a world whose name he isn’t allowed to tell us as his emperor is afraid that humans will find a way to infiltrate it and permeate its airwaves with reality television. He claims that Earth is considered by literally every known planet to be “the armpit of the universe” and is now on a mission to raise our world’s collective level of knowledge one question at a time.
Do you have a question for the Esteemed Alien? Leave it in the comments on this blog, tweet it to @bookshelfbattle or drop it on the Bookshelf Battle Google+ page. You never know, Alien Jones might even give your work a plug. Apparently, he might even plug it vigorously if it involves Firefly fan fiction.
Response times may vary, but in general, he’s thinking Sundays will be a good time to do this.
Alien Image Courtesy of “Marauder” on openclipart.org