The Last Driver – Episode 1 – Frank’s Adventures in State Approved Tele-Web Media Monitor Surfing

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Frank’s Adventures in State Approved Tele-Web Media Monitor Surfing

 

CHANNEL 1 – THE SUPREME ADMINISTRATOR CHANNEL

 

(The logo of the One World Order appears on screen. It is a lily white number “1” superimposed over the world.)

 

ANNOUNCER: Good evening, citizen. Welcome to the personal Channel of the Supreme Administrator of the One World Order. Please stand by for a message from the Supreme Administrator.

 

(A lovely older woman appears on screen. Her hair is short, dyed blonde. She attempts a smile even though her face is cursed with a permanent scowl. She looks as though she must concentrate very hard on maintaining the smile, such that any distraction might cause the smile to disappear completely. She wears a clean, neatly pressed, white pantsuit. This is the only outfit she has ever been seen wearing in public. She speaks with a fake kindness as though she is forcing herself to appear relatable to the ignorant masses.)

 

SUPREME ADMINISTRATOR: Good evening, citizens.   All hail the One World Order. Long may it reign and long may it bring you global supremacy, efficiency and leadership for you and your state approved families. We make the hard decisions about what should be done with your lives so you don’t have to.

Happy Order Month. Citizens, can you believe that eighteen years ago this very month, the Globalists crushed the vile Nationalist pigs, flooding the streets with their wretched blood? Ahh, yes, and out of that bloodshed our world was born, a kind and just world where the just and benevolent One World Order has made four key promises to all citizens born after the year 2032, namely that they’ll always have something to eat, that they’ll always have a job to do, that they’ll always have some place to live, and of course, they’ll always have someone to be with. Isn’t that lovely? I can’t imagine living in a world where those four key reasons for being aren’t met and yet, I’m sure many of you have crazy old relatives who sit around the dinner table, blah-blah-blah-ing about how there used to be a world where all of those needs were not always met and yet somehow, this world was better.

 

(SUPREME ADMINISTRATOR fakes a laugh. It sounds like a hen cackling.)

 

SUPREME ADMINISTRATOR: Oh, old people. Their rotten aging brains make them say some very silly things but don’t be discouraged citizens. Why, whenever anyone over the age of thirty-five starts telling you about a made-up fantasy world that existed before this one, just pretend their dirty old mouth is like the radiator or the air conditioner or some other noise in the background that you don’t particularly care for but you’ve gotten used to and have decided that you’re not going to let its existence get in the way of your good time.

 

(SUPREME ADMINISTRATOR takes a sip of water.)

SUPREME ADMINISTRATOR: My, that is some delicious, unpolluted water we have, citizens. Remember, the Order’s top medical advisors all agree that you should be drinking at least eight glasses of water daily. Don’t worry, if you forget, our Civil Society Monitor Drones will remind you.

 

(SUPREME ADMINISTRATOR takes another sip of water.)

 

SUPREME ADMINISTRATOR: Mmm…I can’t get enough of that super wet stuff. Now, citizens, among the many ridiculous statements your elderly relatives might be making is this notion that the world used to be comprised of several, individual nations, each with their own distinct government and that somehow, a world like that would be better than the One World Order. First of all, none of that malarkey is true. There were never any nations. The world was just filled with people and buildings and roads and grass and trees and just a lot of stuff and no one was doing anything particularly useful with any of it. Sure, there were many greedy Nationalist pigs who ran around declaring everything to be theirs, shouting, “Mine, mine, mine!” but luckily, the Globalists slayed these subhuman beasts and thus the world was created.

 

(SUPREME ADMINISTRATOR bites a carrot.)

 

SUPREME ADMINISTRATOR: Mmm…don’t forget to eat your vegetables, citizens. Oh, but don’t worry, the Civil Society Monitor Drones will remind you to do that as well. Where was I? Oh yes, the myth of nations. Secondly, there’s no way that a Nationalist system would ever work. Can you imagine it? Everyone running around the world, willy nilly without any coordination? One part of the world prospers while another languishes? Only a strong, centralized, global government is able to see the big picture and make decisions that benefit the entire world, not just one administrative unit. Under the One World Order, all administrative units are treated equally. None are favored over the other, all are cared for, none are left to suffer. So please, the next time your Grandparents start talking nonsense, tell them the Supreme Administrator says they’re full of hot air.

 

(SUPREME ADMINISTRATOR makes another fake laugh.)

 

SUPREME ADMINISTRATOR: Oh, I apologize citizens. My speech writer advised me that would be a humorous joke, to claim that a person speaking nonsense is full of hot air, even though that would be ridiculous, because if a person’s body were to be filled with hot air, that action would literally kill that person, and there would be nothing humorous about that whatsoever.

 

(SUPREME ADMINISTRATOR holds up a “Happy Order Month” sign.)

 

SUPREME ADMINISTRATOR: Now, I’d like to remind citizens that the celebration of Order Month is completely voluntarily. If you’d like to put up one of these lovely signs in front of your home to put your pride in your government and all of the hard work it does in making all of the important decisions in your lives for you, then you are welcome to do so. If you’d rather not participate, that’s fine too. In fact, for those homes that do not participate, our Civil Society Monitor Drones will be stopping by to ask you a series of questions designed to determine how the One World Order can improve the many, many services it provides to you so that you will feel pride in your government next year.

 

(A voice calls off camera.)

 

VOICE: Supreme Administrator, it’s time for your one o’clock meeting.

 

SUPREME ADMINISTRATOR: Ah, well, it would appear that a Supreme Administrator’s work is never done. Until next time, this has been your Supreme Administrator, wishing you a Happy Order Month. All hail the One World Order, long may it rain and don’t forget to turn in any suspected Nationalist pigs to the authorities.

 

CHANNEL 2 – STATE APPROVED NEWS

 

(A STATE APPROVED NEWS READER appears on screen. He is handsome with chiseled features. He wears an all white suit with a white shirt and white tie.)

 

STATE APPROVED NEWS READER: Good evening, citizens. All hail the One World Order and long may it reign. I’m Citizen Barnes, your state approved news reader for this evening, here to read all of the news that the One World Order feels you need to now in order to be good, solid citizens, with none of the trivial details that you have no need to concern yourselves with, seeing as how the One World Order is taking care of all of these matters as we speak so you don’t have to.

 

(NEWS READER looks at a different camera.)

 

STATE APPROVED NEWS READER: Our top story tonight, the Honor Guard has quelled insurgencies across the planet, with depraved acts of Nationalist terrorism taking a gruesome toll on Order loving citizens everywhere. Explosions rocked government buildings in Administrative Units 5, 78, and 111. In total, 478 citizens lost their lives, though the Supreme Administrator has released a statement indicating that these citizens have not died in vein, for their deaths have urged her to be even more vigilant in carrying out the Order’s military campaigns against Nationalist pigs wherever they may be.

 

(Video rolls of an old man walking down a street, waving a red, white and blue flag. He is approached by shock troops dressed in shiny white armor. They carry flamethrowers.)

 

STATE APPROVED NEWS READER: Meanwhile, elderly citizens across the globe continue to display irrational, bizarre behavior, such as this citizen who caused quite a stir in Urban District 717TKY – Theta, one of the largest urban districts on the Eastern side of Administrative Unit 2.

 

(The video continues to roll.)

 

HONOR GUARDSMAN: Come along, now.

 

OLD MAN: This isn’t Administrative Unit 2! The Order is lying to all of you! It’s America! It’s America, I’m telling you!

 

(The Honor Guardsmen grab the old man and drag him away, kicking and screaming.)

 

HONOR GUARDSMAN: Let’s go, Grampa.

 

OLD MAN: God Bless America! Land that I love! Stand beside her, and guide her…no! Let go of me! Damn it, I’m an American citizen and I have rights!

 

HONOR GUARDSMAN: Time to put you in a nice home.

 

OLD MAN: No! I don’t want to go to a home!

 

(NEWS READER returns to screen.)

 

STATE APPROVED NEWS READER: A very sad display, indeed. Young citizens are reminded to closely monitor the activity of their elders and to report any disturbing behavior to the authorities immediately.

 

(NEWS READER shuffles some papers.)

 

STATE APPROVED NEWS READER: And now it’s time for the debate portion of our program. Our topic of debate this evening – “Nationalist Pigs – Are They Stupid and Crazy, or Crazy and Stupid?” Here with me in the studio to discuss this very important issue of our time is Citizen Mitch Stevens, an Esteemed Professor of One World Order Philosophy at the Region D Graduate Academy of Administrative Unit 2, and Citizen Abigail Chan, Director of the Region F Board of State Approved Intellectuals of Administrative Unit 102.)

 

(CITIZEN STEVENS is skinny man wearing a white suit and white bow tie. He wears a pair of glasses. CITIZEN CHAN wears a white businesswoman’s suit.)

 

STATE APPROVED NEWS READER: Citizen Stevens, I’ll start with you. Are these Nationalist pigs stupid and crazy or crazy and stupid?

 

CITIZEN STEVENS: Well, first, thank you for having me on the show, Citizen Barnes, and might I add, all hail the One World Order.

STATE APPROVED NEWS READER: Long may it reign.

 

CITIZEN STEVENS: Citizen Barnes, I would argue that the Nationalist pig movement, and I use the term “movement” facetiously because as we all know, the One World Order’s military units are crushing these menaces to society handily…

 

STATE APPROVED NEWS READER: That they are. All the citizens watching at home need not worry about that fact.

 

CITIZEN STEVENS: Indeed. So, as I was saying, Nationalist pigs start out as crazy, but then they cause others to become very, very stupid.

 

STATE APPROVED NEWS READER: Intriguing. I actually read about this theory in your new book.

 

(CITIZEN STEVENS holds up a book titled “Why Nationalist Pigs Are the Worst.”

 

CITIZEN STEVENS: Yes, thank you Citizen Barnes and I might add that my book is available for only ten and ninety nine out of one hundred credits over the state approved tele-web.

 

STATE APPROVED NEWS READER: Well, if it’s state approved then it must be good.

 

CITIZEN STEVENS: Oh, stop, Citizen Barnes! You’re going to make me blush. Anyway, the problem begins with the old people.

 

STATE APPROVED NEWS READER: I see. So the elderly are a problem?

 

CITIZEN STEVENS: Very much so. Old people, as we all know, are extremely stupid and absurdly crazy. That’s not just me saying that. Ten out of all ten of the One World Order’s top scientists agree. That old people are stupid and crazy is not merely an opinion, but an actual scientific fact.

 

STATE APPROVED NEWS READER: You can’t argue with science.

 

CITIZEN STEVENS: No, you can’t. Now, what happens is as the human body begins to deteriorate over time, it causes the brain to break down, and so old people start to go crazy and when they go crazy, they start to say stupid things.

 

STATE APPROVED NEWS READER: Such as?

 

CITIZEN STEVENS: Oh, I don’t know. Things like, “Who stole my gelatin?” or “I can’t find my remote control” or “Where’s my favorite loofah? I swore I saw it over there five minutes ago” or in the case of the man we just saw in that footage, “Administrative Unit 2 is America.”

 

STATE APPROVED NEWS READER: What’s America?

 

CITIZEN STEVENS: Your guess is as good as mine. It’s gibberish. The old man could have just as easily said, “Administrative Unit 2 is Wiggity Wabble Land” or “Administrative Unit 2 is “Boo Boo Larue Burg” but for some reason, his mind just made up a nonsense word so he said, “Administrative Unit 2 is America.”

 

STATE APPROVED NEWS READER: How sad.

 

CITIZEN STEVENS: It really is sad, Citizen Barnes, especially because old people can’t help it when their brains turn to mush, so it would be ridiculous to hold their craziness against him.

 

STATE APPROVED NEWS READER: That’s a fair point.

 

CITIZEN STEVENS: I like to think so. That’s why in my book, which again is available on the state approved tele-web, I go into detail about how the One World Order might, and I stress might, because after all, I’m just a lowly citizen, so who am I to tell the glorious One World Order what to do, but they might want to stop allowing the elderly to remain in their homes and just go ahead and round up all the old folks and put them away in some nice assisted living centers where they won’t be able to bother anyone with their crazy ideas.

 

STATE APPROVED NEWS READER: That’s a nice thought.

 

CITIZEN STEVENS: It is. And the best part is once all of the crazy old people are gone, they won’t be able to infect young people with dumb ideas like “the world used to be broken up into individual nations and it was a lot better” or “people used to make decisions for themselves and everyone was happy” garbage. Because that’s the problem, Citizen Barnes. The old people are crazy, they say stupid things to young people and as we all know, young people are very impressionable, so they go on and do stupid things. Crazy begets stupid.

 

STATE APPROVED NEWS READER: That’s all very fascinating. Citizen Chan, it’s your turn for a rebuttal.

 

CITIZEN CHAN: Thank you, Citizen Barnes, and I too would like to thank you for having me on the show. All hail the One World Order.

 

STATE APPROVED NEWS READER: Long may it reign.

 

CITIZEN CHAN: Citizen Barnes, first, let me say that I have nothing but great respect for Citizen Stevens’ lengthy track record as one of the top scholars of One World Order philosophy but I have to disagree with him on some key points.

 

CITIZEN STEVENS: Oh my, Citizen Chan, tell us how you really feel.

(The trio laughs.)

 

CITIZEN CHAN: Don’t worry, Citizen Stevens, I will. Are Nationalist pigs stupid and crazy or crazy and stupid? Look, it doesn’t matter whether the craziness happens first and the stupidity second or vice versa. While I agree with Citizen Stevens that the old fogies are responsible for stirring up Nationalist sentiments thanks to the insane ramblings that pour out of their mouths because of their rotten old brains, I disagree with the notion that we can just put all the old folks in nursing homes and then everything will be fine. I’m sorry. I just can’t get on board with that.

 

STATE APPROVED NEWS READER: Then what action would you take, Citizen Chan?

 

CITIZEN CHAN: Look, I’m sorry. I know this opinion is not going to be very popular, it might even be a little controversial, but I’m just going to say it. I think we need to burn all the old people alive. There, I said it and you know what? I’m glad I said it.

 

STATE APPROVED NEWS READER: My word, Citizen Chan.

 

CITIZEN BARNES: I’m feeling light headed.

 

STATE APPROVED NEWS READER: Sure, the elderly are causing a lot of problems, but to burn them alive…

 

CITIZEN CHAN: Harsh? Maybe. Effective? Most certainly. Listen Citizen Barnes, I’ll tell you a little story about my mother. Old gal. Sweet woman. Fine. But she would not stop rattling on and on with the crazy Nationalist ideas. All the time she was in my ear with nonsensical ramblings like, “Administrative Unit 102 used to be called China, Abigail” and “You should be speaking English, Abigail” and “You should be speaking Mandarin, Abigail” and “Abigail isn’t even a Chinese name, Abigail.”

 

STATE APPROVED NEWS READER: Mandarin?

 

(CITIZEN CHAN laughs.)

 

CITIZEN CHAN: I have no idea, Citizen Barnes. My family had the best scientists in all of Administrative Unit 102 look at my mother and the best they could figure out is that the woman was speaking in tongues. She’d made up some crazy language, gave it a name, ‘Mandarin,’ and all day long she’d just make these wacky sounds like, “Ching chong, bing bong, wing wong, ding dong” just every other word ended in “ong.”

 

STATE APPROVED NEWS READER: Strange.

 

CITIZEN CHAN: It really was.

 

CITIZEN STEVENS: If I may interject, the most disturbing part of your mother’s affliction is her insistence that a language exists other than English.

 

CITIZEN CHAN: I know, right? Everyone knows that everyone all over the world has spoken English and only English since history started in 2032.

 

CITIZEN STEVENS: Indeed, the One World Order has released a statement telling us just that.

 

CITIZEN CHAN: Honestly, can you imagine a world where people spoke more than one language?

 

CITIZEN STEVENS: How would people in different administrative units communicate with one another?

 

CITIZEN CHAN: It would be madness. Absolute madness. So anyway, my family and I tried our best with my mother. We were all like, “Ma! Enough with the ching chong talk already! Mandarin isn’t a real thing!” but she kept on speaking that way and she kept trying to teach her wacky language to other people so finally, I was left no choice but to inform the Honor Guard that my mother was a traitor to the One World Order and watch her be purged in the Honor Guard’s cleansing flames.

 

STATE APPROVED NEWS READER: Wow.

 

CITIZEN STEVENS: You’re very brave.

 

CITIZEN CHAN: I know. And if you want to learn more about how I turned my mother in so that she could be burned alive, you can read all about it in my book, “Burn Nationalist Piggy, Burn,” which is also available on the state approved tele-web.

 

STATE APPROVED NEWS READER: I’ve read it and it is fascinating. There was one chapter that really grabbed my attention, Citizen Chan. Is it true that many young citizens feel a close affinity to their elderly relatives, such that when they see their elders engage in treasonous activities, they fail to turn them into the authorities?

 

CITIZEN CHAN: That’s true, Citizen Barnes and it’s a very disturbing trend. Look, to everyone watching, I know, emotions run high over this subject. We all love Grandma. We all want her at home, rocking back and forth in her chair, being happy and sure, like Citizen Stevens tells us, old people can’t help it when they do crazy things but if they craziness crosses the line into treason then I’m sorry, but I don’t care how much you love your grandmother, if you don’t turn her in for immediate burning, then you’re just as guilty as she is and you deserve to burn to.

 

STATE APPROVED NEWS READER: Citizen Stevens, a final thought?

 

CITIZEN STEVENS: Call me an old softy but I just think there will always be cases where nursing homes and re-education centers will be more helpful than cranking up the flamethrowers, but I guess that’s why I’ve earned a reputation as the biggest hippy in academia.

 

(All three laugh. STATE APPROVED NEWS READER turns to the camera.)

 

STATE APPROVED NEWS READER: That’s all the time we have for tonight, citizens. Please stay tuned for commercial messages from our state approved business sponsors. Also, coming up in the next hour, is your neighbor a vile Nationalist pig? We’ll give you the top ten signs to be on the lookout for.

 

CHANNEL 3 – THE STATE APPROVED HISTORY CHANNEL

 

(A photo of the world appears. A stern voiced announcer speaks.)

 

ANNOUNCER: In the beginning, there was the world. How it got here is none of your business. All you need to know is that the world was here and there were some people and buildings and roads and trees and grass and stuff but no one was doing anything productive with any of it and there were some dirty Nationalist pigs who were ruining everything. Thankfully, the Globalists murdered so, so many of the Nationalist pigs, causing the streets to run red with their blood. And that’s when history began. Seriously, nothing of import happened before that.   As far as you’re concerned, the world began in the year 2032 and I know, I know. Some of the more curious citizens out there will ask, “Well, what happened during the other two thousand, thirty years?” Your answer is that’s none of your business so don’t worry about it. Nothing important ever happened until the One World Order began and that’s all you need to know.

 

(A photo of a grumpy old man appears.)

 

ANNOUNCER: Your super old relatives probably keep saying crazy nonsense, like there is a long history of the world, that there was a country called America and that there were World Wars were a lot of people died, one of which was caused by a short, sexually frustrated wacko with a stubby little mustache who killed a bunch of people. The old people will even tell you tall tales about plagues, famine, slavery, civil conflicts, droughts and medieval knights who put on suits of armor and bashed each other over the head with long blades called swords and enormous thunder lizards who came before everything. We here at the state approved history channel want to assure you statements such as these are all outrageous lies and if your elderly relatives are making these false claims, then it is your duty to report them to the authorities, no matter how sad that might make you. Remember, the sanctity of the One World Order must come before family. Besides, are you aware that there is a law that will allow you to immediately take possession of your elderly family member’s home and property the second you turn them in? I mean, I don’t want to tell you what to do, but that sounds like a pretty sweet deal to me.

CHANNEL 4 – STATE APPROVED CHILDREN’S PROGRAMMING

 

(A man in aardvark costume appears. He plays a tune on a ukulele. He is surrounded by an audience of little kids.)

 

ARTIE AARDVARK: Hello little citizens!

 

KIDS: Hi Artie!

 

ARTIE AARDVARK: All hail the One World Order!

 

KIDS: Long may it reign!

 

ARTIE AARDVARK: How’s everyone doing today?

 

KIDS: Great!

 

ARTIE AARDVARK: Why, of course you’re all doing great! You’re living under the benevolent guidance of the wise and just One World Order and as long as you are, you’ll do just fine. Who wants to hear a special Artie Aardvark song?

 

KIDS: We do!

 

(ARTIE AARDVARK plays the ukulele and sings.)

 

ARTIE AARDVARK: Ohh…if your parents are being naughty, turn them in! Oh if your parents are being naughty, turn them in! Oh, if your parents are being bad, turning them in is really rad! Oh, if your parents are being naughty, turn them in!

 

KIDS: Hooray!

 

ARTIE AARDVARK: You see, kids, your Mommy and Daddy might love you very much, but the One World Order loves you even more. You’re too little to realize this, but the One World Order provides you with safety, security, education, consumer goods, food and water, really all the things you need to live so if anyone like, say your Mommy and Daddy, were ever to do anything bad to the One World Order, why we’d all die terrible, horrible, agonizing deaths. Your little eyes would bug out of your tiny heads and you’d all fall to the floor and writhe with pain, begging for the Order to help you but they won’t be there, because you didn’t report your Mommy and Daddy when you had the chance.

 

KIDS: Oh no!

 

AARTIE AARDVARK: Don’t worry. The Order’s doing just fine.

 

KIDS: Hooray!

 

AARTIE AARVARK: And you can keep it that way by pledging to turn your Mommy and Daddy in if you ever see them doing anything bad. So, if you suspect your Mommy and Daddy are a couple of dirty Nationalist pigs trying to throw a monkey wrench into the One World Order’s finely tuned governmental machine, tell an adult, or a police officer, or a teacher, or the nearest Honor Guardsman. Anyone who works for the government will do. Will you be sure to tell on Mommy and Daddy, boys and girls?

 

KIDS: Yes!

 

AARTIE AARDVARK: Oh good. That makes your old pal Artie so happy. Now, I know you kids might be worried about what will happen to you if your Mommy and Daddy are taken away. Well, don’t worry about that at all because if your parents are being naughty, then they don’t deserve to be your Mommy and Daddy, so the One World Order will find you a new Mommy and Daddy. And, to thank you, they’ll give you a big bag of toys and candy.

 

KIDS: Hooray!

 

ARTIE AARDVARK: And now, another song. Oh, when you turn eighteen years old you gotta take whatever job the One World Order assigns you and like it and if you don’t like it you have to shut up and pretend like you like it or else….Oh, when you turn eighteen years old gotta….

 

CHANNEL 5 – THE STATE APPROVED ROMANCE CHANNEL

 

ANNOUNCER: Welcome to the State Approved Romance Channel. We now return to When Henry Met Sandy at the Appropriate Time as Appointed by the One World Order Regional Office of Marriage Arrangement.

 

HENRY: Oh Sally, I’m so happy that the One World Order put our names into an official database and used a complex algorithm to match us based on such factors as personal interests, habits, hobbies, education levels, age, class, income, and overall attractiveness.

 

SANDY: I know! This is the happiest day of my life!

 

(A short, pudgy woman with glasses waddles into fram. She reads from a set of cards with a froggy voice.)

 

ROZ: Hello, I’m Roz, your Regional One World Order Office of Marriage Arrangement Coordinator. Oh, how lucky you both are that the Order is mandating that you both tie the knot so neither of you will have to spend so many years of your lives worrying about silly questions like, “Is this person right for me?” and “Can I do better?” The short answer is, “No, you can’t.” We looked and we tried but no, you two are, to a reasonable mathematical certainty, the best each other could ever possibly do, so you’re stuck with each other.

 

SANDY: How romantic!

 

HENRY: I know, right?

 

ROZ: We will now commence with the legally required marriage ceremony. Henry, you promise to love Sandy, to honor and cherish her in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, until death do you part.

 

HENRY: I do.

 

ROZ: I know you do. It wasn’t a question, it was a declarative statement. Try to keep up. Sandy, you also promise to love, honor and cherish Henry in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, until death do you part.

 

SANDY: Of course I do.

 

ROZ: Again, it wasn’t necessary to say anything. I’m just telling you what you’re going to do. You young people never listen. Now, by the power vested in me by the Supreme Administrator of the One World Order, I now pronounce you husband and wife, so don’t even think of trying to back out of this, because you can’t. Many have tried. All have failed. We will find you and punish you accordingly if we hear you’re even thinking about leaving your spouse, understand?

 

HENRY AND SANDY: We understand.

 

ROZ: Good. Kiss each other if you want but just remember, armed guards are walking the perimeter, ready to catch anyone who makes a break for it.

 

(HENRY and SANDY exchange a warm, passionate kiss.)

 

HENRY: I’d never leave Sandy.

 

ROZ: Good. Just keep saying that even when you learn that her extensive credit problems are now yours.

 

HENRY: Wait, what?

 

ROZ: Yup, oh and Sandy, just an FYI, you just caught herpes when you kissed Henry because he has it big time.

 

(SANDY pulls a tissue out of her pocket and vigorously wipes her lips.)

 

SANDY: Wait, what?

ROZ: Your husband’s lousy with herpes. Expect a big old fleshy ping bong ball on your lower lip within five-to-seven days.

 

SANDY: You could have told me!

 

ROZ: Wouldn’t have mattered. You weren’t allowed to say no anyway.

 

(ROZ hands the couple a large stack of paper.)

 

ROZ: Here’s the official print-out of everything you would have found out about one another had there been an extensive courtship period.

 

(SANDY pours over the document.)

 

SANDY: You perform as a clown at children’s birthday parties?

 

HENRY: What can I say? The Order took a long, hard look at my skills and abilities and said, ‘Birthday Party Clown.’

 

(HENRY looks at the print-out.)

 

HENRY: You were once suspected of carnal actions with a goat?!

 

SANDY: ‘Suspected!’ Keyword, buddy! Suspected, never proven. Even the Regional Law Enforcement Council said the charges were overblown.

 

HENRY: Like the goat.

 

SANDY: Ugh, I don’t have to listen to this, you herpes ridden party clown!

 

HENRY: How dare you? I can’t believe this. You and your goat loving, credit-ruining ways are going to put me in the poorhouse!

 

SANDY: I wish I’d never been chosen at random by a computerized algorithm to be your wife!

 

HENRY: I second that!

 

(HENRY and SANDY look at ROZ.)

 

ROZ: Again, don’t even think about leaving each other.

 

(HENRY sighs.)

 

HENRY: Come on. I’ll buy you an ice cream.

 

SALLY: Separate spoons, please.

 

HENRY: Says the goat lover.

 

SALLY: I don’t have to listen to this. I could…

 

(The couple bickers their way out the door. A janitor stops by to sweep the floor.)

 

JANITOR: I’ll have the arranged marriage that they’re having!

 

CHANNEL 6 – STATE APPROVED ACTION MOVIE CHANNEL

 

(A grown man is surrounded by bullies. They pick on him, call him nasty names, make horrible faces at him, push him and slap him.)

 

ANNOUNCER: In a world where one man was fed up with the way he was being treated…

 

BULLY 1: You smell bad!

 

BULLY 2: Yeah, and you’re very productive and are a credit to your community and we’re not so we’re jealous of you!

 

ANNOUNCER: …it was time to make the bad guys pay…

 

MAN: I don’t have to take this! I’m a citizen of the One World Order!

 

BULLY 1: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do to stop us?

 

BULLY 2: Yeah! We’re lousy citizens and we don’t care what the One World Order thinks about us!

 

BULLY 3: We’re total undesirables. Even though it’s against the law, we drink and smoke and fornicate outside of our arranged marriages and all of that unapproved behavior messes with our minds, just like the One World Order’s PSAs warned us it would.

 

BULLY 1: Yeah, and that’s why we show up late to our government assigned jobs and we don’t produce much.

 

BULLY 2: And rather than try to improve ourselves, we’re just going to be mean to you for being a good citizen.

 

MAN: You bullies better leave me alone!

 

BULLY 1: Or what?

ANNOUNCER: He’d make them pay in the only way he knew how…

 

(The man pulls out his cell phone and dials a number.)

 

MAN: I’m reporting you to the Honor Guard!

 

BULLIES: Oh no!

 

(A self-driving van pulls up. Shock troops pour out with flamethrowers at the ready.)

 

HONOR GUARDSMAN 1: Are these bullies bothering you, citizen?

 

MAN: They sure are!

 

HONOR GUARDSMAN 2: Hmm…tell me, citizen, at any time, did you hear these bullies make any Nationalist sentiments?

 

(MAN scratches his right ear.)

 

MAN: You know, I’ve always had a problem with earwax buildup, so I’m not sure, but its entirely possible.

 

(HONOR GUARDSMEN 1 and 2 look at each other.)

 

HONOR GUARDSMAN 1: Good enough for me.

 

(All six HONOR GUARDSMEN point their flamethrowers at the bullies. MAN steps aside.)

 

HONOR GUARDSMAN 2: Time to fry, piggies!

 

(The HONOR GUARDSMEN blast the bullies with a torrent of fire.   The bullies scream out in pain until they are reduced to a pile of ash on the ground. MAN trades a high five with HONOR GUARDSMAN 1.)

 

MAN: Thanks, Honor Guard!

 

HONOR GUARDSMAN 1: Don’t mention it.

 

CHANNEL 7 – STATE APPROVED SCIENCE FICTION MOVIE CHANNEL

 

ANNOUNCER: Space! It’s really big and there’s a lot to see! These are the travels of the Spaceship Excelsior. With a daring crew led by the intrepid Captain Morris, this ship will visit the furthest reaches of the cosmos.

 

(Captain Morris appears on deck, wearing a futuristic military uniform.)

 

CAPTAIN MORRIS: It’s time for our very first space-traveling mission. It’s the future, the year 3,000 to be exact. The One World Order has lasted for nearly 1,000 years and who could be surprised by that? This global system of government has been so effective that it has even provided the world with the means of intergalactic space travel. The One World Order of this time period has charged us with the task of finding the best run planet in the universe. Mr. Domo, take us to the stars, if you please.

 

  1. DOMO: I’m sorry, Captain, but I cannot.

 

CAPTAIN MORRIS: What? Why, what’s gotten into you man? Give me one reason why you can’t comply with my order or I’ll have you drummed out of the Star Corps!

 

  1. DOMO: Because, Captain, as you just said, we have been charged with finding the best run planet in the universe, but as we all know, there could never be a planet that is run better than Earth, thanks to the benevolent and just leadership of the One World Order. Ergo, if we just stay put, our mission is complete.

 

(CAPTAIN MORRIS stands up and puffs out his chest.)

 

CAPTAIN MORRIS: Mission accomplished! All hail the One World Order!

 

  1. DOMO: Long may it reign!

 

CHANNEL 7 – STATE APPROVED COMEDY CHANNEL

 

(A comedienne dressed like the Supreme Administrator sits at the end of a long conference table, surrounded by generals, advisors, and other important dignitaries.)

 

SUPREME ADMINISTRATOR IMPERSONATOR: Ladies and gentlemen of the First and Best Class of the One World Order, I have brought you all together today to answer a very important question.

 

(TEXT flashes on the bottom of the screen. It reads: “THIS IS AN OFFICIALLY SANCTIONED PORTRAYAL OF THE SUPREME ADMINISTRATOR. CITIZENS ARE REMINDED THAT ANY UNAPPROVED PORTRAYALS OF THE SUPREME ADMINISTRATOR, DEPUTY ADMINISTRATORS, OR OTHER GOVERNMENT OFFICIALS ARE FORBIDDEN.”)

 

GENERAL MASON IMPERSONATOR: Which came first, the chicken or the egg?

 

SUPREME ADMINISTRATOR: No.

 

DEPUTY ADMINISTRATOR FOR COMMERCE ROBARDS IMPERSONATOR: How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

 

SUPREME ADMINISTRATOR IMPERSONATOR: No, that’s not it either. Subordinates, the question I now call upon you to answer is, “How many vile Nationalist pigs does it take to screw in a light bulb?”

 

GENERAL MASON IMPERSONATOR: Why, that’s an easy one, Supreme Administrator. That task would require hundreds, maybe even thousands of disgusting Nationalist animals because as we all know, all these malcontents ever do is bicker and argue with one another, so they would just fight and shout and demand to know what’s in it for them if they screw in the light bulb, greedy, self-absorbed savages that they are.

 

DEPUTY ADMINISTRATOR FOR COMMERCE ROBARDS IMPERSONATOR: And even if thousands of Nationalist slobs were to devote all of their time and energy to the unscrewed light bulb dilemma, they’d still take years, perhaps even decades to screw in the aforementioned light bulb, for as we all know, Nationalist scumbags are very inefficient and lazy.

 

GENERAL MASON IMPERSONATOR: Yes, that’s why I enjoy living under the One World Order, a system of government that, in this scenario, would allow our glorious Supreme Administrator to exercise swift, decisive judgment and ensure that one and only one Class 7 menial wage worker was ordered to screw in the light bulb within a matter of seconds, providing illumination for all in the general vicinity.

 

SUPREME ADMINISTRATOR IMPERSONATOR: Exactly. Excellent answers, everyone. Oh, and there’s one more thing I must say.

 

(SUPREME ADMINISTRATOR IMPERSONATOR looks directly into the camera.)

 

SUPREME ADMINISTRATOR IMPERSONATOR: Live from Urban District 717TKY, it’s the State Approved Comedy Program!

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