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Movie Review: Kong: Skull Island (2017)

A big ass monkey is on the loose and me without a banana.

BQB here with a review of the action blockbuster Kong: Skull Island.

SPOILERS ABOUND

You know, 3.5 readers, it seems like every decade, old King Kong is poked in the butt by Hollywood and dragged out to entertain us once again.  I assume the production meetings always go something like this:

HOLLYWOOD SUIT #1:  We want a new picture that people will see but we don’t want anything original at all.  What have you got for us, Jenkins?

JENKINS:  Um…I can haz big monkey movie?

HOLLYWOOD SUIT #1:  A new King Kong film! Brilliant!

In this film’s defense, it is the best King Kong film I’ve seen in a long time, and is much better than the 2005 tour de force with Naomi Watts and Jack Black.  In fact, the reviews I read of this film were so terrible that I went in expecting it to be a mess and was pleasantly surprised that it is actually pretty good.  The critics and I just don’t agree from time to time.

In this go around, it’s the end of the Vietnam War (cue a soundtrack that will be on the wish list of any 1970s music aficionado) and the mysterious Monarch Corporation, helmed by John Goodman, wants to take advantage of military resources in the area to lead a scientific expedition to Skull Island.  Blah, blah, blah, an ensemble cast is assembled, they get separated and end up fighting throughout the movie to avoid any host of dangers, ranging from becoming the lunch of one of the island’s nasty inhabitants to trying not to get bitch slapped by King Kong.

Among the film’s better performances:

  • Samuel L. Jackson as an Army colonel who is so angry that the U.S. has lost the Vietnam War that he sees taking down Kong as a sort of redemption.
  • Tom Hiddleston as a mercenary hired to go on the mission.  This is the first movie I have seen Tom in out of his Loki outfit and I have to say, he’s too good for this film.  He may be too good for any film.  No wonder Taylor Swift dated him.  I’m not gay and yet he makes me want to date him…platonically, because as I said, I’m not gay. His part is straightforward.  There’s little backstory or character development and yet he just acts the shit out of everything he does.  It’s like I want to reach into the screen and just tell him I’m sorry that Hollywood hasn’t found anything better for him to do.
  • Brie Larson as the usual blonde that Kong gets the hots for.  The film tries to break away from most Kong cliches, but the “Oh I’m Kong and I’m going to pick up this blonde chick and stare at her longingly and the audience will feel sorry and only Bookshelf Q. Battler will be smart enough to be disgusted by a) the beastiality undertones and b) the sheer impossible logistics of getting my gargantuan prehistoric gorilla dong anywhere near Brie Larson in any conceivable way that would remotely cause her pleasure.

By the way, King Kong roams around freely throughout the movie in the buff and his King Kong dong is nowhere to be found.  Seems like a gaping plot hole if you ask me.

STATUS:  Shelf-worthy.  Worth a trip to the theater.  Worth it to see it in 3-D.

 

 

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