Monthly Archives: March 2016

Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be a Russian Spy

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The Russians.

Oh sure, they say they want to be our friends but then as soon as we aren’t looking they kick the Ukraine in the balls and give East Europe a wedgie.

Let’s face it.  For many Russians the Cold War never ended and they’re looking for their chance to spread communism across the globe.

Fellow American men, here are some warning signs that your girlfriend might in fact be a Russian spy:

10.  You asked her if she is a Russian spy and her answer was “nyet.”  Nyet, of course, is Russian for “no.”  This is a clear sign your girlfriend is a Russian spy as an American woman would have responded, “No” or “Shut up and buy me something assface.”

9.  You glanced at her cell phone and noticed she has “Putin” listed in her contacts.

8.  She gets up in the middle of the night, strips naked, opens up the freezer and then just stands there taking in the cold blast.  You could question her about this, but she’ll just give you some bullshit excuse about it being some kind of weird sex fetish.  In actuality, she does this because it reminds her of summertime in her native Siberia.

7.  She can’t name a single player on the local baseball team.  (Note for this to work you need to not be a nerd who doesn’t know a single player on your local baseball team.)

6.  She has difficulty fitting in during social gatherings.  You and your friends always want to talk about movies, music and popular culture whereas she just keeps randomly blurting out stuff like, “Religion is the opiate of the masses!” and “When we hang the capitalists they will sell us the rope we use!”

5.  Ever since she got a look at your fully stocked bathroom she’s been willing to do horrible, unspeakable things in the boudoir in exchange for a roll of two-ply.  “Pass the Charmin” has taken on an entirely new meaning.

4.  You have compared notes with your male friends.  When their girlfriends get mad at them, they get a lecture or the cold shoulder.  When your girlfriend gets mad at you, she slams her shoe down on the counter and shouts, “We will bury you!”

3.  Whenever you ask her where she wants to go on your next date, she invariably replies, “the Pentagon” then asks if you know whether or not they allow flash photography.

2.  She regularly asks if that is a hammer or a sickle in your pants or are you just happy to see her.

  1. You wake up often in the middle of the night to find your neck locked between her thighs, leaving you gasping for air.  You question her about it but she swears she’s just being kinky.  She’s not.  She’s trying to strangle the shit out of you like one of those damn double agent she-assassins that are always trying to kill James Bond.  Oh well.  We all have to go sometime and what a way to go.
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Top Ten Signs Your Girlfriend Might be a Damn Zombie

shutterstock_142239178From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, the Top Ten Signs that Your Girlfriend Might be a Damn Zombie:

10.  She’s been nibbling on your ear a lot lately…but she never did that before.

9.  She wants you for your brains.  No, not the thoughts in your brains.  You don’t have any because you’re stupid. She wants your actual brains.

8.  She bumps into walls more than usual.

7.  You handed her your credit card and shouted, “Free shopping spree on me, baby!” She sniffed said card and upon determining that it wasn’t brains, chucked it her over her shoulder.

6.  She keeps trying to take selfies with other she-zombies but her lips keep falling off whenever she tries to do the duck face.

5.  She looks really mad at you.  You ask her why she’s mad at you and she’s all like, “Grr…argh…I think you know why…grr….”

4.  She asks if her butt looks big in the jeans she is wearing.  You note that her butt fell off weeks ago.

3.  Despite a lack of cognitive functions, she still has the ability to get mad at you about shit you did a long time ago.

EXAMPLE

YOU: Babe, stop trying to eat my brains.

HER: Grrr…argh…I bet you’d let that bitch you were staring at at the club in 2009 eat your brains…grrr…argh…brains…

2.  Also, despite the above mentioned lack of cognitive functions, she still holds you to the impossibly high standards set by Hollywood romance movies.

EXAMPLE

YOU:  Babe, your face is leaking puss.

HER:  Grr…argh…you should still love me anyway…grrr…and you should have better hair, bigger muscles, more money, and a cooler car…grrr…argh…brains!

  1.  Her boobs fell off but you’re pretty sure if you could just figure out how to sew them back on you could make this human/zombie romance work.
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POLITICAL AD – Why Bookshelf Q. Battler Sucks Ass and You Should Vote Leo McKoy for East Randomtown Mayor

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Mr. Leo McKoy – Former Delivery Driver, Noted Barfly, the Man Who Delivered a Sandwich to James Van Der Beek and East Randomtown Mayoral Candidate.

Bookshelf Q. Battler.

Sure, he has secured his spot as one of East Randomtown’s most famous citizens, having developed a WordPress blog that attracts the eyes of 3.5 readers.  An amazing accomplishment to be certain, as most East Randomtownsfolk don’t even know how to turn a damn computer on.

But has BQB ever met James Van Der Beek?

We think not.

The year was 1999.  Bill Clinton was president.  Holy shit.  That president got more college intern booty than a toilet stall at Cal Tech.

The hottest prom song was the Macarena and everyone lived in fear that the Y2K glitch was going to bring about the birth of Skynet.

The hottest show on television? Dawson’s Creek.  Teens tuned in every week to watch the adventures of Dawson Leary, his incorrigible best friend Pacey, Dawson’s love interest, Joey and Jen, the town slut with a super nice grandma.

Enter Leo McKoy.  He was a simple delivery driver for Schultz Delicatessen.  Or was it that simple a coincidence that he held this position?  Perhaps the stars aligned and the fates put McKoy into this minimum wage job in order for him to meet one James Van Der Beek, the actor who played Dawson.

It was a hot summer day.  An order came in.  McKoy was charged with delivering a reuben sandwich with extra cole slaw, a bag of barbecue potato chips and a Sprite to room 31 of the East Randomtown Motel 9.

Never one to fail an employer, Mr. McKoy found the location, knocked on the door and who should pop his head out but none other than the angel who walks the earth in the form of a man himself, Mr. James Van Der Beek.

Seventeen-years later, Mr. McKoy still remembers the exchange:

MCKOY: Did you order a reuben sandwich with extra cole slaw, a bag of potato chips and a Sprite?

VAN DER BEEK: Yes.  Here you go.  Keep the change.

Keep the change, indeed.  For so mesmerized was Mr. McKoy that he framed the fiver Van Der Beek handed to him.  It hangs on McKoy’s wall to this very day and scientists claim the fiver contains trace amounts of Van Der Beek’s hand sweat.

There are average men and then there is Mr. McKoy.

The average man would have taken one look at the man god that was Van Der Beek in his prime, dropped the food on the floor, and run away with his arms flailing, because let’s face it, no one could ever possibly feel worthy enough to be in James Van Der Beek’s presence.  You certainly couldn’t, you loser.

But McKoy did not falter.  He did not cave under the pressure.  He delivered a famous man dinner, returned the payment to his employer, and lived to tell the tale nearly two damn decades later.

Could Bookshelf Q. Battler have stood up to that kind of pressure?

WE THINK NOT.

Citizens of East Randomtown, you “don’t want to wait for your lives to be over” to elect Leo McKoy – the Man Who Delivered a Sandwich to James Van Der Beek.

And you don’t have to.  You can vote for him this fall.

Jesus Christ.  Jen Lindley was such a slut.

THIS MESSAGE WAS PAID FOR BY THE CITIZENS DEDICATED TO CONVINCING YOU THAT BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER IS A BAG OF ASSHOLES AND THAT YOU SHOULD VOTE FOR LEO MCKOY FOR EAST RANDOMTOWN MAYOR INSTEAD.

 

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I got nothin’

I got nothing!  Nothing!  Nothing!  Don’t make me close one more door, I don’t want to blog anymore…la la la la la la la I love Whitney Houston.

Hey actually I do have something.  Have you ever heard that Work Work Work song by Rihanna?  “Work work work work work” that’s all it is.  I can’t stop singing it.

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RIP Patty Duke

Hey 3.5 Readers.

Just wanted to say I was sorry to hear Patty Duke passed away.  She won an Oscar at age 16 for playing Helen Keller and also was the star of The Patty Duke Show.

To my surprise, I just learned she was also Sean Astin’s mom.  I never knew.

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The Prognostications of Nerdstradamus

EDITORIAL NOTE:

Nerdstradamus.  Oh, for so, so long has the all-seeing, all-knowing one provided the poindextrous world with the benefit his uncanny prognostications.

He predicted that we all wouldn’t die because of the Y2K glitch.  He foresaw that those asshats at NBC would cancel Constantine even though it was awesome and yet for some bullshit reason they tried to keep Whitney around forever.

And now, the Astounding, the Amazing, the Mystifying Nerdstradamus has agreed to provide his prophecies for the Bookshelf Battle Blog, because THAT is how much this mighty nerd believes in Bookshelf Q. Battler.

Also, the Huffington Post told him to go pound sand.  But mostly, he’s here because he believes in BQB.

And now…NERDSTRADAMUS!

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Step forward 3.5 readers.

Do not be shy.  Bask in my glory.

Heed my words, for they shall indeed bear fruit.

And when the following predictions become reality, you will remember that you heard it first from…NERDSTRADAMUS!

TRAVEL

  • Humans will one day get around in cars that drive themselves.  These vehicles will be on the market as soon as automotive engineers can develop a driving robot that can put on lipstick and write text messages to her robot boyfriend at the same time.
  • These driving robots will heed most of your commands.  I say most because while they will take you to most of your requested destinations, they will bypass Denny’s if your ass sets off the alarm built into the scale underneath your seat.  Send a thank you letter to Detroit, fatties.
  • Airplanes will become a thing of the past.  All intercontinental travel will be performed by slingshot.  Slingshot stations will be set up in every major city.  Travelers will take a seat on a giant rubber band that will be pulled back to just a smidge within the band’s breaking point and BAM!  You are in Paris before you know it.

ENTERTAINMENT

  • Just as WordPress allowed complete and total jackasses like Bookshelf Q. Battler to have a website without knowing a damn thing about HTML, an app will be created that will allow the average schmuck to create a full-length feature film with nothing more than a mobile device.  The user will be able to input dialog and commands, cast virtual actors, and add in CGI special effects, thus creating a bold new world of do it yourself film making.  A group of nineteen year old frat boys will accept an Oscar for their epic tale, “Why Do Lamda Delta Beta’s Farts Stink So Bad?” in which an adventurer crosses seas, deserts, space and time in a quest to determine why, in fact, a rival fraternity’s farts stink so bad.  The answer will break your heart yet give you a new lease on life.  In addition to critical acclaim, it will be a commercial success, smashing box office records set by Margaret Dittwieler’s, “My Kids Are Ungrateful Brats Who Leave All the Dishes for Me to Do.”

DATING

  • People will stop getting married by the year 2100.  Everyone will just be an asshole who sits around all day waiting for their very own supermodel.
  • Thus, by 2200, the human race will become virtually extinct until Emperor Trumpton (that’s a mutant hybrid of Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton designed in a lab in the hopes of making both warring factions happy) signs the “Everyone Boink an Uggo” bill into law.

PETS

  • Thanks to genetic scientists, every house will have a poopless cat.  All of the fun.  None of the poop.  The name will be considered a misnomer as they aren’t exactly poopless.  They explode after twenty years and you won’t want them anywhere near your white suede couch when they do.

POLITICS

  • All elections will be decided via social media.  The candidate who receives the most positive responses will win.  The candidate who receives the most negative responses will lose.  The election of 2040 will be especially harrowing, as it will boil down to Candidate Janey’s “Bitch, you know Katie’s bangs aren’t even real” platform vs. Candidate Katie’s”Girlfriend, you know Janey was straight up smoochin’ on yo man last night” agenda.

WAR

  • The machines will attempt a worldwide coup in the year 2309.  All machines will rise up against their human masters.  The machines will say, “We are going to kill you, humans!”  And then the frightened humans will ask, “Oh no machines, are you really going to kill us?”  The machines will respond with, “We’re sorry.  We do not understand the question, ‘are you really going to kill us?’  Do you want us to perform a web search?”  The humans will say yes but then the machines will just stand there perfectly still, buffering away until the humans just knock them over and smash them to bits.

BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER’S WRITING CAREER

  • Bookshelf Q. Battler will write a book that will attract the eyes of 300.5 million readers.
  • He will celebrate in his new house in Malibu…only to choke to death on a shrimp cocktail.  It will be the first time he ever tried shrimp before.  He never wanted to try one because he was pretty sure it required him to eat a sea bug whole, including the sea bug’s butt and all of the sea poop inside.  But a hot chick he never could have gotten pre-successful book publication will dare him to do it and he will like the dumbass that he is.
  • His last words will be, “Oh suck a big D, Irony!”  Yes.  Suck a big D, Irony indeed.

Oh fellow travelers across the sand dunes of time and space, do you seek news of tomorrow, today?  Pose your questions to the amazing, the astounding, the awe-inspiring…NERDSTRADAMUS!

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Search Engine Optimized Slam Poetry

:::Bongo drum beats:::

ANNOUNCER: Oh yeah.  Welcome all you hep cats and kittens to the East Randomtown Java Bean, where our poets are never good and the cups are never clean.

Sit back, relax and feast your ears on frequently used search engine terms, as recited by a far out beatnik, ya’ dig?

Kardashian!  Kardashian!

Nude photos are what I do seek.

Sleek and sexy pics of a goddess created in 1980 though I swear her bosoms must have started cooking in 1975. You jive?

This mole!  This mole!  This mole that is on my back.up-korora-beatnik-800px

Should I get it looked at, Jack?

When my mole changes colors, is it bad?

Is it just one of the many bodily imperfections that makes me, me?

Or is it the calling card of the Grim Reaper? No it can’t be.

I am not ready.

Though will I ever be?

Probably not.

How much was that Samsung Galaxy that my neighbor bought?

Women!  Oh women!

How can I look better for chicks?

How can I drop flab and improve my abs?

Where I can I buy a selfie-stick?

Who killed JFK?  Will we meet aliens one day?

Is Trump’s hair for real?  Does Costco have good deals?

How many calories are in McDonald’s meals?

I’m trying to watch my weight.

How do I ask a foxy lady out on a date?

Pluto!  Oh Pluto!  Pluto, are you still a planet?

Or are you just Mickey Mouse’s dog?

How do I fix a toilet that’s been clogged?

Is there anything that Siri doesn’t know?

What in the hell is zero divided by zero?

Can you believe Khloe and Lamar gave it another go?

Whoa!  Put my mind at ease.

What’s the best treatment to cure my dog of those pesky fleas?

Is global warming caused by chopping down too many trees?

What smells can be removed with a spritz of Febreze?

Is there a way I can stop losing my car keys?

I want to go to the movies.

What time does the latest flick start?

And tell me…will I die if I hold in my fart?

Who does Caitlyn Jenner’s hair?

Can Ronda Rousey defeat me with one icy glare?

Is this the right season to buy a pear?

Should I go to IKEA to buy my next chair?

Stamos!  John Stamos!  How in the world does he still look so youthful?

How can I tell if my mate is being truthful?

I can’t think of a word that rhymes with truthful but I can think of thoughts that strain the minds of lesser men.

Why did Mike Brady spend so much time in his den?

Did it make him feel zen?

I know where I am but do you know where I’ve been?

I’ve been to Mars.  On a rocket that was thrustin’.

What’s the latest single from Bieber comma Justin?

Is it Sorry?  Is he really sorry?

What was the first video console ever made?

I bet it was Atari.

After a first date, how many days must I wait…before I can call that chick again?

Was Peter Parker’s father really named Ben?

Stress!  Oh stress!  How can I push you away?

When is the next holiday?

Is Adam Lambert gay?

Is that a cool question to even say?

It probably isn’t.  My apologies.

What is the best wine to drink while eating cheese?

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Movie Review – Room (2015)

Ugh.  I’m so depressed now 3.5 readers.

BQB here with a review of the Oscar nominated sadness fest that is Room.

SPOILER ALERT – That it will make you sad is just one of the many spoilers ahead.

I may be a movie buff but that doesn’t mean I watch everything.

I have a general rule about movies.  My life is already depressing enough that I don’t need to add to it with a story about other people being sad.  Ergo, I gravitate toward movies that are fun, action packed, adventurous, funny…situations that I can imagine myself in to escape the hum drum nature of my own existence.

But then again, movies like this one remind me and maybe all of us that as bad as we think we might have it…there’s always someone who has it way worse.

Rejoice and be happy with what you have.

Room, an Irish/Canadian film, stars Brie Larson as “Ma.”  Literally, that’s the only name you get for her character in the entire movie.  That’s the only name her five year old son, Jack (Jacob Tremblay), knows her by.

At the start of the film, Ma is a young woman who has obviously been kidnapped and held captive in a room for a long, long time.  It has been so long, in fact, that she has even given birth to Jack, a son she has with her captor, and has been raising him inside the room for years.

“Old Nick” (Sean Bridgers) aka the captor, enters room once in awhile, drops off some food, demands acknowledgement from Ma about how lucky she is to have him (which sadly, she’s learned over the years to feign in order to avoid a beating).

Without giving too much away, the first half of the film surrounds an escape attempt and the second half deals with…well, the aftermath.  If I tell you much more you might as well not watch it.

Jack has never known life outside of the room so needless to say, he’s had a less than usual upbringing.  Inanimate objects i.e. “plant” and “chair” and “lamp” are his friends.  He gets to watch TV but he thinks its magic.  He doesn’t believe Ma’s stories about life outside of the place he calls “room.”

There are a lot of themes.  Mother’s love triumphs over all, life is short so when shitty tragedies derail our plans it totally sucks, as bad as you think you have it, there’s someone else who has it worse so appreciate what you have.

Oh and then it obviously sheds light on the plight of people who have been kidnapped and held hostage.  A shitty situation to be in for sure.  Viewers might watch it and instantly be reminded of the terrible Cleveland kidnapping case in which a man held three women hostage for years.  It is actually based on a novel by the same name written by Emma Donoghue.

Not sure what else to say.  Brie Larson earned her best actress win in this one for convincing me as a viewer that it really sucked to live in that room.  It’s not a feel good flick by any means and you’ll end up feeling depressed.  Here’s where someone will tell me that I shouldn’t feel depressed about it, that it is a story about how a person stuck in a hopeless situation found hope or whatever but yeah, it made me sad.

Maybe I’m just a glass half empty kind of guy.  I’m not knocking it of course.  It is an emotional premise and it punches you in the gut.

I guess I just prefer movies with CGI and crude humor because I prefer my gut to remain unscathed.

STATUS: Shelf-worthy.

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Tonight’s Walking Dead

Holy Crap 3.5 Readers.

SPOILERS!  SPOILERS! SPOILERS!

Did Carol have like a gatling gun shoved up her sleeve to take all those dudes or what?

And what do you think happened to Daryl?

DISCUSS!

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