Monthly Archives: January 2019

Movie Review – The Death Of Stalin (2017)

Grab your glasnost, 3.5 comrades.  It’s time for some perestroika.

BQB here with a review of the comedic farce, The Death of Stalin.

At the outset, you wouldn’t a movie about the death of one of the most prolific mass murderers in history would be the stuff of comedy gold.  Ironically, you’d be wrong.  As the film takes you by the hand and introduces you to the ultra-paranoid society of 1950s Russia, you immediately find a time when the tiniest slip-up, be it a poorly chosen word, an unavoidable mistake or even the wrong look on your face can land you and your family imprisoned in a gulag if you’re lucky, or lined up against a wall and shot if you’re not.

I know.  It still doesn’t sound funny, does it?  Well, there is plenty of horror mixed in, but the humor comes from the political wrangling of Stalin’s boot licking lackeys in the wake of their fearless leader’s demise.  All sat idly by and supported the executions of millions of their countrymen, but now, they’re so desperate to save their own skins that they’ll say or do anything, literally anything…no matter how foolish it makes them look, or how obviously contrary to the obvious truth it may be.

Early on in the film, we’re given a primer on life for the average Russian under Stalin.  A symphony’s performance concludes, and musicians and audience members alike begin to retire for the evening.  Suddenly, a technician for the local radio station covering the event receives a telephone call.  Stalin himself wants a copy of the recording of the performance to listen to.

Problem?  There isn’t one.  The performance was just broadcast live.  In any other world, the tech’s head wouldn’t be in danger.  He’d simply apologize and promise to do better, making a note to be sure to record all future performances.

But failure isn’t an option here.  Ergo, the technician, fearful for his own life, turns from mild-mannered man to furious beast, locking the symphony hall doors and barking orders at audience members and musicians alike, demanding they all return to their places and do it again.

Once the situation is explained to all in attendance, they comply.  Impoverished peasants are brought in to replace audience members who already left.  You wouldn’t think fewer audience members would be a big deal but the tech sweats every last detail, fearful that fewer bodies will throw the acoustics off.  Meanwhile, the conductor has already left, so an alternate maestro is rousted out of bed and left to conduct the re-do in his bath robe.

Ultimately, hundreds of people all come together to remake the evening’s performance, all fearful that a refusal to play their part will learn to their imminent deaths.

This is life under Stalin.  It isn’t just a matter of shut your mouth and tow the Communist Party line, although even that to someone from a free society would seem unbearable.  No, it’s worse than that.  Stalin’s grip is so ironclad that the slightest, most unintended offense is enough to bring about your doom.

When Stalin falls terminally ill, the race is on for his inner circle of toadies and yes men to save their hides as well as their political careers.  They must walk a delicate tight rope in which they outdo each other in being the loudest to proclaim their love of Stalin, all the while trying to implement reforms that will keep the people from revolting amidst a power vacuum.  If you’re impressed by the reforms, don’t be.  People will still be imprisoned and shot, just fewer and not as at random.

Ultimately, it’s a battle royale between Lavrenti Beria (Simon Russell Beale) the head of the Russian Secret Police and the man who carries out Stalin’s executions and Communist party secretary Nikita Khruschev (Steve Buscemi.)

Beria is a sadist, a cold and calculating killer whose psychopathic ways are fully sanctioned by the state, giving him an air of heroism when at any time he’d probably be more suited for a straight jacket in a mental hospital.  On a regular basis, he delivers lists of people who Stalin wants killed to his forces, including intricate orders of how these so-called enemies are to die.  When you hear, “Shoot her first but make sure he sees it,” you, the viewer, realize you’re not watching a government at work but rather, a glorified Mafia organization.

Beria’s resume is so gruesome that you wonder why you haven’t heard of him.  On top of the murders, he’s also a serial rapist.  He openly boasts of the scores of wives who have sex with him in the hopes that doing so will get their husbands released from prison.  Spoiler alert: it doesn’t.  On top of that, he’s a pedophile, ordering his men to scoop up young girls to be used as his playthings.

He is a schemer and his struggle for power is humorous.  His idea of reform is to strike Stalin’s kill lists and replace them with kill lists of his own.

Meanwhile, Buscemi plays Khruschev like a washed up old stand up comic.  Each evening, Nikita goes home and dictates the day’s doings to his wife, who writes down every joke and comment he made to Stalin, along with Stalin’s reaction.  In the morning, his wife reads back the list, and Nikita commits to memory the topics that got a positive reaction and a negative one, thus reinforcing to the secretary what he needs to say and not say in order to keep his head on his shoulders another day.

As Beria and Nikita try to one up each other, they each vye for the hearts and minds of Stalin’s crew of degenerates.  These include Jeffrey Tambor as Malenkov, Stalin’s heir apparent who obviously isn’t suited for the job.  Tambor plays the part as a nervous man with a perpetually unsettled stomach, one who is weak and indecisive, changing his mind regularly on which man he’ll support based on who is currently pulling ahead in the battle of wits.

Molotov, another henchman, becomes a crucial power player.  Stalin’s death allows Beria to save him from a kill list but Nikita lobbies him extensively.  Despite having been placed on a kill list, Molotov still speaks highly of Stalin and even openly curses his beloved yet long imprisoned wife as a traitor, not because he believes any of this but because he wants to stay alive.

In the end, you find yourself rooting for Nikita as the least shitty apple in a bunch of truly shitty apples.  My main criticism is that as shitty as Beria is, you might lose sight amidst the hi-jinx that Nikita and company all stood by and were happy to let him do his evil deeds as long as it suited them, only to then distance themselves from the madness when it equally suited them.

STATUS:  Shelf-worthy.  If you watch it and still think socialism is a good idea, get your head examined.

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A Rap About the $1.08 I Made Selling Books on Amazon

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Aw yeah.  Aw yeah.  Mic check one two one two.

Base check three four three four.

Treble check five six five six.

Sound check seven eight…seven eight…seven eight.  Don’t hate the playa cuz he got a dollar eight.

Slingin’ grape pop rocks on the corner, what oh what do I see?

A fly ass hunny rollin up on me.

“Hey baby, wanna go out on a date?”

“Sure thing ma’am, will you accept a dollar eight?”

Oh raise your hands in the air like you just don’t care if you know what I’m talkin’ about.

One hundred and eight cents can be yours if you have a big ass book sale blow out.

Yeah, some dude in Fiji, put down his Ouija, bought my book with money made from a squeegee.

He used it to wash a car, cuz with a dirty ass windshield it won’t get very far.

So now I got his dollar eight and I’m livin’ the gangsta ass life.

Everyday supermodels are fightin’ over who will get to be my wife.

But don’t try to clip my wings baby, cuz bein’ tied down is a terrible fate.

Me? I’d rather travel the world and pay all my expenses with a dollar eight.

Lovers gonna love and haters gonna hate.  That’s just the way it goes.

But ballers gonna ball and busters gonna bust.  Has anyone seen my hoes?

Dolla, dolla bill ‘yall.  Dolla, dolla bill indeed.

Some dude just rolled up on my ass.  Asked if I wanna buy a dollar eight bag of weed.

“Sir, that’s not the game I play.  So your ass better get to steppin.”

Yeah, the dollar eight lifestyle ain’t easy but it’s a life I’ll always be reppin.

Peace.

P.S. Buy my book, bitch:

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Do I Need An Air Fryer?

PRO: It’s a fairly new device that will fry your air with air instead of grease.  I doubt it’s much healthy but it would probably be fun to fry shit.

CON:  It’s probably going to blow the fuck up in my face, leaving me 100 percent uglier.  Or it might burn BQB HQ down.  Then I’d be on the news ass the asshole who burned his house down while air frying tater tots.

Discuss.

10 More Posts Until My 3,500th Post

Actually, after this one, only 9.

And then I will have written 3,500 posts for 3.5 readers.

Should I do anything special for my 3,500th post?

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Movie Review – Glass (2019)

I’ve got to stop seeing movies in January, 3.5 readers.  I really do.

BQB here with a review of Glass.

It’s funny how things come around full circle.  Nineteen years ago, I saw M. Knight Shyamalan’s Unbreakable and thought it was a ridiculous pile of crap.  Nearly two decades later, the literally waited for by no one sequel is equally crappy.

Hollywood types have got to start asking themselves a key question – just because they CAN make a movie, does it mean they should?  No, I get the free speech argument.  I’m not telling them to not make a shitty movie if that is their desire.  I also get that shit is in the eye of the beholder.  Overall though, I just wonder if there is limited time and money to make a movie, then maybe a movie maker should make a good movie rather than a shitty one.  Worse, maybe take a risk on a movie with a good idea but no history rather than slap together a pile of crap because it has characters who were in the pile of crap years ago and now making endless sequels to everything, no matter how crappy, is the vogue thing to do.

Poor. M. Knight.  I’m really going to take a dump on this movie.  But the twist is that I’m going to pee on it too.

Ironically, 2016’s Split was good…and also a January movie.  I wrote on this fine blog that perhaps it was the start of a Shyamalanassaince.  It was a decent, scary part-horror/part-thriller/part-mystery about a shrink working with the so-called good personalities of a schizophrenic to defeat an incoming monstrous personality.

Top notch, Knight.  Shoulda stopped there.  Take the win. Move on.

Alas, Knight (because I refuse to write Shama…malamalama…whatever…a hundred more times) doubled down.  He decided to pit James McAvoy’s “Split” character against the Bruce Willis character, with evil assistance from the Samuel L. Jackson character, both from Unbreakable.

Though in the ending of Split, it looked like a movie in which Willis’ indestructible vigilante, David Dunn, hunts “The Beast” i.e. the worst of “The Horde” or the collective name for all of McAvoy’s character’s personalities, it turns out to have been a shitty idea.

There’s little hunt to be had.  Instead, Dunn, Horde and Glass find themselves in the same looney bin.  A shrink (Sarah Paulson as Dr. Ellie Staple) arrives on the scene, claiming to be the world’s foremost expert on convincing screwballs to stop believing they are comic book super heroes…because apparently, that’s a real, legit thing that people study…that or no one in Hollywood wants to tell Knight no.

Dr. Staple subjects the trio to all manner of experiments, drilling it into them that their so-called powers are not real but rather, anything extraordinary they have done is just pure coincidence.  The Beast isn’t really strong.  He just managed to push away some jail bars that were rotting.  David isn’t really indestructible.  He has just been really lucky in avoiding death thus far.  And Mr. Glass may be smart, but so are other people, and his gift really just lies in talking chumps into thinking he’s a genius.

There are way too many logical leaps you have to take.  With three highly infamous nutjobs all under one roof, the mental hospital has ridiculously lax security.  Allusions are made to a showdown at a new, state of the art tower but the trio never get past a show down in the nut house parking lot.

Overall, it’s dumb.  Just plain dumb.  It’s cool that Spence Treat Clarke, Dunn’s son from the first film, is back and all grown up as his father’s assistant in vigilante crime fighting.  In fact, the first twenty minutes of the film make it look like a real treat – that Willis is going to track this psycho through the streets of Philly with the help of his son.  Alas, it just gets dumb after that.  Pure dumbness.

STATUS: Not shelf-worthy.  Seeing this and Serenity in the same weekend just makes me weep for Hollywood’s future.  I feel like Knight shot himself in the foot here, because Split was good, but rather than just take the win and think of a whole new idea, he did the old “Let me take a part of a movie that people liked and put it with a part of a movie that people might remember and serve it up like a three bean casserole and hey, it has a bit of recognizability so maybe people will see it.”  Ugh.  Please don’t see it.  Stop encouraging Knight.  I know he’s got talent.  He just has to stop chasing that twist dragon.  He got on it with The Sixth Sense and then he never let it go.  He thinks he’s going to outdo his past twists and he never will.  Knight, really, it’s ok.  You can make a story that does not have a twist.  In fact, a movie from you without a twist?  That would be the greatest twist of all.

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Are Billionaires Immoral?

Alexandria Ocasio Cortez said this the other day and I thought I’d opine for the sake of my 3.5 readers.

By the way, why is it fair that some blogs have millions of readers while I only have 3.5 readers?  If those blogs would fork over half of their readers, then my blog would be sufficiently read.

I get the point that there are lots of people who are suffering, without help, without hope and so on.

I think the problem is it depends how you look at it.

It’s all a matter of distribution.

Fred the Billionaire is the Owner of Fred’s Burgers.  Does Fred have a billion liquid dollars in his bank account? Probably not.  He probably has a crazy, silly amount that we’d all want to jerk off all over but he probably doesn’t have a billion liquid.

Fred’s burger stores, the buildings, the property they sit on, that’s all worth a billion.  And before you start in on me, yes I’m speaking in general terms. I don’t have all day to get exact figures and do a real serious case study of what an individual billionaire does with his money.  I’m too busy running a blog that is read by 3.5 readers.

Anyway, Fred can’t spend a burger store.  He can’t spend the property the burger store is on.  He could sell it all (lawyers and the government would take a sizeable chunk) but he’d left with a pretty penny, plenty to go yachting on boats full of women like we saw in the Cardi B video, which, I can’t say enough, is my dream.

I’m not saying that anyone should cry Fred a river.  He’s probably got that booty yacht now.

I’m just saying, like, suppose you tax Fred to the point where he becomes a schmuck, earning a low amount like the rest of us.  Why would he bother continuing to run Fred’s burgers?  Why wouldn’t he get a job that just pays a low level like the rest of us?  Why would he put in all the extra hours, why would he take on all that liability?  You’ve taxed Fred to the point where he’s making 40 grand a year now, but he could still get slapped with a 40 million dollar restaurant if one of his customers chokes on a pickle.

These are all examples off the top of my butt but ultimately, it is all about distribution of resources.  The government does what the people can’t turn a profit off of.  Do you think the government would put out a good burger?  No.  The government will give you hamburger product type 1 and there’s no incentive to make it better.  Fred makes his burgers better because you could always go to Pete’s burgers.  Fuck you Fred, Pete makes better burgers.

Fred is a billionaire but a lot of his wealth is tied up in the means of burger production.  He’s still doing fabulous…but you don’t want to tax him to the point where he or his rivals stop making burgers because you don’t want a government burger.

I’m sorry, Commie Millennials, but I just have to stress that you don’t want to go down the Communism road.  Do you think the government would make good Superhero movies? No.  The government does not make good superhero movies.  Hollywood barely makes good movies of any kind.

Do you think Cardi B makes videos with 10,000 booties twerking on a yacht if she ain’t getting paid?  No.

Believe me, I’ve thought about doing things and taking risks that might make me well, I’ve never had an idea that could make me a billion but if I took some risks, purchased some property, started a business, used my last few bucks to pay for business expenses…I might one day turn a profit but the fear that I’d end up destitute is too much so I’m out.

Business people do see their businesses fail all the time.  I’m not saying cry for the businessmen of the world.  I’m just saying, all people who strive toward a goal have a goal in mind they want to achieve.

Honestly, I write because I hope one day it will lead to me owning a booty yacht.  I’ll invite Cardi and friends to twerk on it.  They’ll say no but I’ll hire a Cardi impersonator.  Whatever.

The government could do more to improve quality of life but I think it starts with eliminating waste.  You scoff, but there are all sorts of crazy programs that get ridiculous funding.  The other day I heard about a program to study why lesbians are fat.  Who cares?  Stop spending millions trying to make lesbians skinny.  Everyone loves fat lesbians.  Lesbians love pizza and pussy.  I love pizza and pussy.  There’s never been a government study spending millions trying to change me but they try to change the fat lesbians.  That’s discrimination.

You know where the millions for the fat lesbian study could go?  Text books for kids.  Food for the poor.  Medicine for the poor and sickly.

Every Congressperson before they vote on some shit should ask if there’s a better purpose for that shit.  They don’t because it’s just too easy for the government to demand more shit but the more you do that then eventually, the shit well runs dry.

Thank you for listening 3.5 readers.  I await your comments.

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Movie Review – The Kid Who Would Be King (2019)

Gather around the round table, 3.5 readers, for it is time for a review of “The Kid Who Would Be King.”

Someone call the late, late, late, incredibly late Arthur Pendragon’s agent because that guy is posthumously hot lately.  However, unlike 2017’s Guy Ritchie directed “King Arthur,” this latest flick, as kids’ movies go, is mildly enjoyable.

Let me put it this way.  I don’t think it is destined to become that childhood classic that today’s youth will break out and watch year after year, but for parents, it is something you can take your kid to and your eyes won’t completely glaze over.

Louis Ashbourne Serkis, son of the infamous motion actor Andy (the guy who gets into one of those green suits with ping pong balls over it so computer geeks can turn him into various CGI monsters) stars as Alex, a British boy who attends Dungate Academy.

He and his bestie, Bedders (Dean Chaumoo), are a pair of dweebs who are bullied early and often by cool kids Lance (Tom Taylor) and Kaye (Rhianna Dorris).

While on the run from one such bullying session, Alex hides out in a construction site, only to miraculously locate the accidentally excavated “sword in the stone.”  Only the heir to King Arthur’s throne will be able to remove Excalibur, so when the boy does so, this is a very big deal indeed.

Alas, Alex gets more than just a mere pointy trophy.  He’s now got a duty.  He must save Britain from Morgana, Arthur’s half-sister turned witch (Rebecca Ferguson.)  As early narration informs us, she’s laid low in the bowels of the earth, waiting for a time when mankind has become so divided that she can easily swoop in and take over.  Cue endless number of borderline heavy handed allusions to how everyone on all sides of the political divide need to stop bickering and come together to face any number of threats and dangers coming the world’s way.

As we are also told, Arthur had a knack for turning enemies into allies, a trait that is sorely needed in today’s leadership.  Alex manages to do so with Lance and Kaye, turning his former bullies into his trusty knights.

Other critics have noted that the performances of the various kid actors were somewhat flat.  I mean, you know, they’re kids, so I didn’t really expect any of them to break out as the next Al Pacino.  I felt the kid who played Bedders had an innocent lacky quality, blindly following his buddy and saying naive, “the world is a nice place” type things to motivate Alex, things that only an innocent kid who has yet to be knocked out by the world’s endless “No” machine would believe.

The kid who played Lance comes off as a typical bully and the girl who plays Kaye comes off as his lackey.  Overall, everyone did what they needed to do and I wonder if a flat performance by Serkis might have been the point.  The kid’s character, is, after all, just a normal, average kid.  He isn’t extraordinary.  He’s picked on all the time.  The kid that the whole school loves could easily get everyone behind him.  The kid who gets the snot kicked out of him because kids think that’s a fun thing to do will have the harder challenge to unite his classmates against the forces of evil.

Admittedly though, the film is rather British.  Had it been American, there would have been endless fart jokes, burp jokes, and so on.  One kid would have definitely got kicked in the nads or something.  (Not gonna lie, as an American, I think these additions would have turned the flick into a classic.)  Alas, the Brits prefer to find higher forms of humor I suppose.

The character who truly makes the movie come to life is Merlin.  Sometimes he’s an owl.  Sometimes he’s Sir Patrick Stewart (i.e. the old version of Merlin who is only broken out when the kids aren’t listening and require an adult to drive some sense into them.) Most of the time he’s young Merlin, having taken a teenage form so as to easily blend in while keeping an eye on the kid heroes. Angus Imrie takes that role and not to dump on any of the other kids but if forced to place a bet on which kid has a future in show business, I’d put my money on this one.  His take on Merlin is the main source of laughter in the film – wild eyed and crazy, performing magic spells that require an elaborate series of hand gestures.  By the way, if his take on modern day fast food doesn’t get you to swear off that swill completely, then nothing will.

My one criticism is I did think some of the monsters might have been a little scary for kids, but then again I don’t think this film is meant for the wee ones.  It’s geared toward tweens.  High school kids will scoff.  Toddlers should run for cover.  Anyone in the middle will find it just right.

STATUS: Shelf-worthy.

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Movie Review – Serenity (2019)

Holy crap, 3.5 readers.

Hollywood didn’t waste any time in releasing the shittiest movie of 2019.

And yet, it has some redeeming qualities.

BQB here with a review of “Serenity.”

SPOILERS ABOUND

At the outset, this film seems pretty strong for a January release.  It’s got a star studded cast, including Matthew McConaughey (“Alright, alright, alright”), Anne Hathaway, Diane Lane, Djimon Hounsou and Jason Clarke.

Moreover, it starts out as a pretty decent mystery.  Baker Dill (McConaughey) is an Iraq War veteran who unfortunately, brought the war back home with him in his mind.  Unable to shake depression, his marriage falls apart and he moves to the Caribbean style Plymouth Island.

After spending years in pursuit of an illusive and massive tuna while aboard his fishing boat, the Serenity, his ex-wife, Karen, (Hathaway) pops back into his life.  Frank (Clarke), the man she left Baker for, has turned out to be a real Dick Cheeseburger with Extra Turd Fries.  He is abusive to Karen, beating and shouting at her regularly, so much so that Karen and Baker’s son has retreated from life, shutting himself in his room and playing on his computer all day just to drown out his crappy reality.

Karen has had enough.  Frank is a gangster and Karen offers Baker 10 million of her shitty husband’s ill gotten loot if he’ll take Frank out on his boat and dump him in shark infested waters, making it look like an accident.

Initially, the film has a touch of old school noir style.  A mystery is unfolding and there are all sorts of threads held out before you.  Is Karen legit?  Is she setting Baker up?  Will Baker do it?  If he does, will he get caught?

As the movie progresses, a supernatural, science-fiction angle grows and grows.  It’s slightly hinted at in the beginning, followed by a slow build until it totally consumes the film.

Frankly, the angle is stupid.  And I have a hunch someone, somewhere behind the scenes realized the angle was stupid.  Ergo, the first half of the film is a mystery and then the last half is basically an extended episode of Twin Peaks.

I’ll admit, the old “hot babe asks a man to kill her husband” plot has been done before, so something new had to be added to make it interesting.  I won’t give away what that is, but suffice it to say, this movie has the shittiest ending since 2008’s “The Happening” in which Mark Wahlberg learns that the culprit that was causing so much mayhem was the plants all along.

Say hello to your mother for me.

STATUS:  Shitty, but shelf-worthy.  Ironically, there’s good acting here.  McConaughey is convincing as a broken man, and ladies, you get to see his butt for an unnecessarily long period of time.  Hathaway plays the scheming damsel in distress well but sorry men, you only get to see half her butt and only for a second or two, which seems highly unfair.  Jason Clarke, who usually plays respectable heroes, gets out of his comfort zone as an asshole who gets increasingly assholier until you start rooting for him to get killed.  Hounsou rounds out the cast as Baker’s first mate and conscience, trying to steer his boss towards making the tough yet moral decision.

This should have been good.  And briefly it was…until it wasn’t.  It’s an example of how a film can snatch defeat from the jaws of victory and alas, earns it’s January debut.

My advice?  Wait until it comes out on cable.  Watch it for the first hour, switch the channel.  Maybe find a good rerun of “Seinfeld” or something.

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Buy My Book!

My Big Book of Badass Writing Prompts, available for your reading pleasure, 3.5 readers:

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#OscarsSoPretty – Once Again, the Unattractive Are Shut Out of the Oscars – BQB Goes Over Best Actors and Roots for Willem Dafoe

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Hey 3.5 readers.

BQB here.

If you’ve been following this blog for a long time (and my condolences if you have.  I hope your situation improves soon) then you know I am a vocal advocate for rights of the ugly everywhere.

One day, I hope that there will be a constitutional amendment that prevents the government from passing laws that would force us to wear bags over our heads.

Further, I, personally, have been arguing with attractive women for years, informing them that I’m trans-handsome and if they don’t treat me as handsome then they are hateful bigots but alas, no one has been woke enough to see my side of things.  Maybe someday, my fellow uggos.

Anyway, every year, I direct most of my vitriol against the Oscars.  Why? Because they’re too damn pretty.  You’d think after my years of advocacy, they’d put more ugly actors and actress into the mix.  After all, the vast majority of Americans are hideously ugly and totally unbangable, so it’s high time that we see more ugly representation at these awards shows.

As usual, Hollywood disappoints.  Follow along, will you?

BEST ACTOR

Bradley Cooper – I like Bradley Cooper.  For a handsome man (I can say that without being gay) he has managed to develop a good personality.  Still, fuck that guy.  He looks like a Ken doll.  Life was good enough for him already.  Next!

Viggo Mortensen – Holy shit.  The charmed lives that the attractive live.  The dude dropped the N word in public and he’s still nominated.  I mean, OK, he said it in reference to a broader discussion and there didn’t seem to be any malicious intent but still, had he been ugly…

Christian Bale – A handsome man dressed up as an ugly man, i.e. former Vice-President Dick Cheney.  You know what I call this? Ugly face.  Good looking people get all the parts and on the rare occasion when there’s a part for an old bald gray haired man with a permanent scowl, they don’t actually find such an old man, they just make up a good looking guy so that he looks like.  Ugly face!  This offense to the ugly cannot stand.

Rami Malek – This is a tough one.  He’s not ugly, he’s just nerdy.  If I were a woman, I might call him cute.  Again, I’m not gay or anything.  More confusing is he plays Freddie Mercury, who wasn’t really all that ugly but people at the time made fun of him and made him feel like he was ugly because of his teeth.  So a not ugly guy playing a man falsely accused of being ugly…I’m not sure of the official term but whatever.  Rami is not ugly enough to qualify as ugly representation.

Willem Dafoe – 3.5 readers, do you have any idea how long this dude has been around?  Like, for freaking ever.  He was in Platoon, for Christ’s sake.  He’s been in all kinds of big award winning critically acclaimed flicks.  He was the friggin’ Green Goblin.  He’s done it all.  Do you think any other actor who has been around this long has been snubbed so regularly?  No.  Why does he get the shaft?  Because the dude’s ugly.  I love the guy.  He’s a great thespian, but the dude looks like a damn skeleton man.  I complained about this last year because he was nominated for “The Florida Project” and he did great with that, by the way, but he didn’t win and I think they’ll just keep nominating him forever because the Academy wants to placate Ugly Rights advocates like me but they’ll never let him win.

Anyway, he’s up for playing Vincent Van Gogh in some picture no one saw.  Fuck it.  I didn’t see it. But I want him to win.  He is an ugly man playing a motherfucker who cut his damn ear off.  Sounds good to me.  It actually doesn’t.  The Florida Project was good.  He deserved it for that one, largely because for the first time, Hollywood allowed an ugly actor to play a respectable man, i.e. a hard-working motel manager who runs around behind the backs of all the drugged out losers who stay in his motel, keeping an eye on their kids and keeping them out of trouble but gets zero thank yous for it.

I’ll be rooting for Willem.  In the meantime, if you can think of any ugly actors who are being snubbed, list them in the comments.  I’ll be back later to explain how the Best Actress award is biased against ugly broads.

By the way, before you argue that it is unwoke for me to use the word “ugly,” I remind you that I too am very ugly, so we ugly people can use the ugly word.  That’s our word.

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