I don’t want to write this dumb blog anymore. I’m going on strike.
I don’t want to write this dumb blog anymore. I’m going on strike.
Hey 3.5 readers. BQB here.
An oldie but a goodie. Kind of a cult classic.
Before he found American fame as Borat, Sasha Baron Cohen was Ali G. You know how sometimes white kids in the US pretend to be black in the hopes of looking cool? Apparently that happens in England too, except the white kids pretend to be Jamaican.
At any rate, the guy who plays Tywin Lannister on Game of Thrones plays the Deputy Prime Minister. In a conspiracy to undermine the prime minister, he recruits total buffoon/white kid trying to be Jamaican Ali G run for parliament in the hopes he will embarrass the prime minister out of office, leaving him to take over.
As expected, Ali G douches his way to the top, teaches us all kinds of hilarious British swears (minga and batty the top two I remember) and despite his total incompetence, manages to save the day, as well as his favorite leisure center in the epically ghetto neighborhood of Staines.
Main thing that makes me sad is how time fast as gone. That dude that plays the Hobbit plays Ali’s best friend and he looks so young.
Anyway, check it out.
“It’s time for a female Bond,” according to Chris Hemsworth.
Sure, Thor. As soon as you step aside from your cash cow and let give your hammer to a lady, we’ll talk. Go lick a kangaroo butt, dummy.
I’m sorry, 3.5 readers but I feel strongly about this. There should never be a female James Bond.
#1 – It’s So Easy for Women to Get the D that a Jane Bond Movie Would Be Over in Five Minutes
Ladies, be honest. It’s not that hard for you to catch a D. I mean, we can talk about the quality of the D’s all day but ultimately, even the ugliest, grossest, most snaggletoothed beast of a woman can go out this morning and catch five Ds before sundown, and that’s a conservative estimate.
Don’t believe me? Start walking up to random men and ask them for the D. Yes, some of the wiser members of our manly organization will utilize a brain cell or two. They’ll assume this is too good to be true, that it is some sort of trap, that maybe a random woman asking for D has an unsavory venereal disease…hell, there might even be some good guys who think sex with a stranger is wrong or that they don’t want to cheat on a wife or girlfriend.
Aside from those chumps, many men will be all like, “Sure, I got the D right here.” And it literally will not matter if you are hot…or if you look like refried poop in the form of Rosie O’Donnell. There will be men who will be willing to give you the D.
(FYI this is just a rhetorical argument. You know it’s right. Please don’t actually go out and ask men for D. If you do, you assume the risk and we here at the Bookshelf Battle Blog will not be held responsible. Don’t do it.)
Meanwhile, men, do you know what will happen if you go around asking random women for V? Tazing. Lots of tazing. Your balls will light up like Christmas ornaments. Oh and also lots of arrests. You’ll probably ask one woman and then spend the next 48 hours in lockup awaiting your bail hearing. (So, yeah, don’t actually do it, this is just rhetoric and we won’t be held responsible if you do because…don’t do it, dummy.)
Literally, only a select few of lucky men are able to walk up to any woman they want and snag the V without putting any work into it. James Bond is one of those men. In fact, his ability to score any poon in the world is his superpower. Superman can leap tall buildings in a single bound, Wonder Woman has the lasso of truth and James Bond can convince any woman at all to give up the V.
This works to his advantage. Every Bond film circles around Bond seducing the villain’s woman into giving up information on how to defeat the villain. Only a man as suave, sophisticated, handsome and wealthy as Bond can fool a woman to give up the V…as well as the villain.
Do you know who can convince a man to give up information? Literally any woman. Your ugly stepsister, the fat lady at the DMV, your Aunt Doris, the cashier at Price Town with the hairy puss on her lip, literally any of these women could convince a Russian agent to give up the nuke codes because men will do anything for free pussy, and the pussy doesn’t even have to be high quality.
So, if it is high quality, say a hot actress playing Jane Bond, yeah, that movie is over in 5 minutes. The hour long scene where James convinces the villain babe to give up the goods on the bad guy is replaced with a henchmen blasting his pants and handing over the codes to Jane before he cries himself to sleep over what a loser he is.
#2 – James Bond is the Ultimate Male Fantasy
He really is. It isn’t easy being a man. You have to work hard, pay the bills, help with the kids, take care of the house, do all the heavy lifting…if you’re lucky, your wife might tickle your pickle for five minutes a month if you beg her in a pathetic manner.
We live vicariously through Bond. When Bond bangs any chick he wants with little effort, just because he’s awesome, and you know, the super hot woman usually feels really enriched from the banging and bangs him even though it means her betrayal means the villain will cause her to meet her certain doom…it’s like we get to live through Bond’s penis.
Seriously. We can’t get our women to make us a sandwich without being read the collected works of Gloria Steinem. Bond can convince women to die for his penis. Please, please, please don’t take our Bond away. Once every four years we get to experience via cinema what it is like to be a real man. Don’t take that away from us. It’s cruel.
#3 – You’re Basically Saying Women Aren’t Good Until They Become Men
The Bond concept is unique but can be copied to an extent. There’s no reason another film couldn’t be made in which a female British intelligence agent seduces men with her vagina of doom.
However, by turning Bond into a woman, you’re saying women are no good unless they become men. Bond must die and a woman must take his place. I don’t agree. There’s a good story about a female British spy out there. It doesn’t require ruining Bond.
#4 – Would the Bond formula work with a black Bond?
As long as he’s a handsome black man, yes. Idris Elba is rich and British. Idris Elba is handsome. I would trade places with Idris Elba in a second. He probably gets more poon in a day then my 3.5 readers and I could get in a thousand lifetimes. The fantasy works. I can yearn to be Daniel Craig, pulling in all that sweet, mysterious international tale just as easily as I can yearn to be Idris Elba banging all that dangerous, alluring booty.
However, it doesn’t work with a woman.
You think it does? I mean, even James Bond has to work at it a little. You know what Jane Bond has to do?
JANE BOND: Hello. I will give you vagina if you give me the codes.
MAN: OK here are the codes.
That’s it. I mean, even Bond usually has to like, pretend to be a mysterious businessman and win a round of poker and maybe kill a guy or something before he gets the right introduction to meet the woman he will seduce.
Jane Bond just needs to flash the titties.
#5 – But Women Like Bond and Want to Be Included!
Yes, you poor, poor cuckold of a man. Your wife told you she likes Bond movies and you took that to mean if the next Bond is a lady that would make her feel special.
Idiot. While you are fantasizing about being Bond, she is fantasizing about being drilled by Bond. Your wife will make you do ten hours of chores before you even think about grabbing her by the pussy ala our esteemed POTUS. Meanwhile, your wife would totally give up the launch codes (and her goodies) to Bond.
Thus, stupid, stupid man, if you pull a Hemsworth and try to be some kind of menstruating male feminist, she’ll hate you for ruining her getting nailed by Bond fantasies.
Stop. Just stop. The average man is lucky if he can get a woman to begrudgingly touch his sad little phallus once a month without a big long speech about how much his wife gave up to marry him.
Do not take away the one fantasy we get every four years where we can pretend to be a man who can save the world by getting hot ass spy bitches to go to town on his top secret spy junk.
I am uber bummed and have no idea what to say, 3.5 home slices.
I caught a bit of “Airplane” (1980) this morning. Such a funny movie. Humor for the sake of humor. Non-stop silly gags. Things that obviously wouldn’t happen in real life but are there to make you laugh. That’s the whole.
Also, a lot of politically incorrect stuff..
I worry about the fate of comedy. I feel like everywhere I go, people aren’t laughing anymore. They are afraid of offending someone and yet there’s the rub. Every person, every group, every occupation, every individual, every type – there’s humor to be mined out of everyone and everything.
True comedy lovers may get mad when a comedian makes a joke that makes fun of who they are – their particular group, type, etc. But true comedy lovers will also let that go in order to laugh at the other jokes, jokes that don’t hit as close to home because they make fun of other individuals, groups they aren’t a part of.
America is the melting pot. We are all simmering in the same stew. Can we find some humor while we’re in there? I think it all comes down to motive. Is your joke meant to make people laugh and have a good time, or is it meant to belittle and make people unhappy?
I see it in what passes for comedy movies these day. Safe, moderately silly premises that don’t probe, don’t challenge, don’t do anything.
What say you, 3.5 readers?
So, the Khaleesi is planning her invasion. Her cohorts all want a full assault on King’s Landing. The Khaleesi has other thoughts in mind. She doesn’t want to be Queen of the Ashes, i.e. to destroy the city. She wants to surround it and starve the Queen out. Meanwhile, Grey Worm and the Unsullied will take Casterly Rock.
Sam is working to cure Mormont despite advice against it, namely, he could catch the disease in the process.
We finally see what eunuch sex looks like. Ladies, keep an open mind about eunuchs. They may not have much downstairs, but they make up for it with a little mouth to the south.
Cersei looks like she might have a surface to air anti-dragon weapon. She also scores the first victory as ally Euron Greyjoy defeats his niece and nephew at sea. Reek really wusses out.
Khaleesi confronts Varys. He has a history of conspiring against those he has served to save the realm and also his hide.
Jon Snow decides to meet with Khaleesi despite advice against it.
What say you, 3.5 readers? Will the Khaleesi pull this off?
A breakup, heartache, a coma and comedy?
Yes, it’s probably the funniest movie about a coma you’ve ever seen.
BQB here with a review of “The Big Sick.”
You’ve seen comedian Kumail Nanjiani on HBO’s “Silicon Valley” where he delivers jokes with a cunning, deadpan style, often only alerting viewers that a joke has even taken place with a subtly playful eye movement.
Now comes his big screen debut in an autobiographical story about how he and his wife Emily found their own happily ever after.
In this film, Kumail plays himself. He’s a Pakistani immigrant, his parents having moved to the US when he was a boy. He’s struggling as a stand-up comic in Chicago when he meets Emily (Zoe Kazan playing a fictional version of Kumail’s real life wife Emily.)
The duo hits it off, finding that brilliant romance most of us can only dream about. Alas, there’s a problem. Kumail’s family are very traditional, devout Muslims. In particular, his mother will accept nothing less than his marriage to a Pakistani Muslim woman. Whenever Kumail visits for family dinner, his mother arranges for a different prospective Muslim girl to “drop in” in to meet her son.
Ultimately, Kumail is pressured, forced to choose between disappointing his family or disappointing a woman he sees as the great love of his life. A fight ensues, a breakup occurs and shortly thereafter, Emily is hospitalized and put into a forced coma as doctors wrack their brains trying to figure out how to cure a freak, rare infection.
None of this sounds like it should be good fodder for comedy. Honestly, there are many tender, touching moments that highlight the gut wrenching pain that comes with love – the choices we must make, the comprises we must make, the decisions we must make, all in the name of figuring out how to stay true to ourselves while making another person happy.
Kumail loves this woman, so much so that he parks himself in the hospital, waiting for his love to wake up. This is to the great chagrin of Beth and Terry (Holly Hunter and Ray Romano), Emily’s parents who fly in to care for their daughter in her time of need.
Beth and Terry only know that their daughter’s last pre-coma thoughts of Kumail was that he was a dick who’d screwed the whole relationship up – not a great first impression to make on your prospective future in-laws.
Meanwhile, Emily’s illness is so rare that someone needs to do the legwork necessary to research it and check up on the doctors to see if they are making the right decisions.
It’s up to Kumail to try to save the day, to save his love, to win over her parents….all in all, a very tall order that most people are ill equipped to handle.
It’s an ambitious scenario to be certain. In another comedian’s hands, it could have fallen flat. However, as Kumail reaches his boiling point outside a fast food drive-thru, beating the crap out of a trash can when a cashier refuses to put extra cheese on his burger as he tries to satisfy a stress eating binge, we laugh…and we can relate. We all have had those moments where life freaks us out to our tipping point.
Holly Hunter and Ray Romano are great as the parents. Ray’s character is epically lonely, in search of a friend that he finds in Kumail. This is actually the most acting I’ve ever seen Ray Romano do. Holly dumps on Kumail with reckless abandon until other people start dumping on Kumail and her mama grizzly bear claws come out.
STATUS: Shelf-worthy. Good date film. Time will tell if Kumail will be able to repeat this success, but he and Emily had such a unique, touching story that it really pays off on film.
Bombs! Explosions! The fate of the free world!
BQB here with a review of Christopher Nolan’s World War II flick, “Dunkirk.”
It’s May of 1940. The Nazis have swept into France and pushed allied British and French troops to the sea. 400,000 troops await evacuation while being pinned down by Nazi fighter/bomber warplanes.
The stakes are high. The loss of 400,000 troops would be a terrible loss for the allies, hindering their chances of victory. However, Churchill has surmised that to send in Navy warships to pick up the men would be a suicide mission, essentially sinking the much needed ships.
Thus, it’s a death defying escape mission. The film switches back and forth between various parties. British Fighter Pilot Farrier (Tom Hardy) patrols the scene, shooting down German fighters and watching the backs of those on the ground below. Meanwhile, Mark Rylance plays Mr. Dawson, one of the many private citizens who volunteered to take their commercial/fishing boats into the war zone to help rescue the troops. He dukes it out with Cillian Murphy, a battle weary soldier he’s picked up who, for obvious reasons, is scared to return to Dunkirk.
Soldiers trapped in the hold of a ship hunker down to avoid the constant gunfire piercing the ship’s hull. Kenneth Branagh, the highest ranking officer on the scene, makes a lot of sullen facial expressions every time one of his subordinates delivers bad news, essentially capturing the fear that death might be certain and imminent.
If you’re looking for a plot driven film, you might be disappointed. There isn’t much intrigue. There aren’t any twists. There isn’t much in the way of getting to know the characters or their backstory. It’s basically a battle reenactment caught on film.
It’s a pretty intense ride. Nolan makes ample use of ominous music, making you feel as though a Nazi fighter pilot might drop a bomb on your head at any minute. He also works wonders with sound, the explosions are so loud and jarring you can feel them rattle you, probably the closest experience to war that can be provided through a film.
History flicks are always a risk. The general public does not want to be educated. They want to be entertained. However, Nolan earned his bones through Batman, giving him the ability to preserve this heroic tale on film, one where the military and private citizens came together in a swift, massive effort to avoid a defeat that could have been staggering.
STATUS: Shelf-worthy. Worth a trip to the theater.
Yeah, 3.5. Lots on my mind lately, so I’ve been neglecting this fine blog. Do you have anything interesting to say?