Monthly Archives: July 2017

The Alleged Man’s Dating Woes

Hey 3.5 readers.

BQB here.

You may have noticed there wasn’t much in the way of good writing on this website in July.

First of all, there has never been any good writing on this website so why you would expect any now is beyond me.

Second, my alter ego, the Alleged Man, supposedly the man pretending to be me, BQB, has been suffering in the dating scene and for some reason, when AM suffers, my writing suffers.  Are the two related?  Probably not.

Anyway, AM is, God help us, 38 years old.  Yes, his first car was a brontosaurus and Abe Lincoln was his next door neighbor.

AM scored a couple of dates with a nice woman his age, also 38.  She was nice, but she dropped during conversation in date 1 that she didn’t want kids and on date 2 she repeated it.

AM pressed a little on how serious she was about this.  Perhaps she’d just encountered a terrible kid that day and it was fresh on her mind.  Perhaps she never met a man that would be a good father.

She doubled down.  Nope.  I don’t want kids.

So then it was like AM woke up from a coma.  He’d been depressed since turning 35, his lifelong dream of knocking up a woman with his super potent man seed seemed like it was becoming less likely with each passing year.

It began to concern AM that he might have missed his kid having window.  AM is pretty ugly.  That’s not a joke.  He’s a very ugly man and his ugliness causes most vaginas in his general vicinity to dry up like the Great Mojave Desert.  One time AM walked by a woman and a damn tumbleweed popped out of her vagina.  That’s how ugly AM is.

Seriously.  Don’t assume AM is just being down on himself.  The dude is ugly.  And fat.  He has a hardcore pizza addiction.  Also, he’s bald and gray.  He went gray so early.  His pubes look like he’s got Gandalf in a leg lock.

So, anyway, AM began worrying – well, what if my window has past?  Sure, a 100 year old man can father a child but that 100 year old man still needs to find a willing younger female.  Only men as rich and famous as our 45th POTUS can pull off getting a younger babe.

So AM’s worry was that if he had missed his baby making window, he’d be very sad, but he must turn his attention to finding a nice female companion to hold his hand into death which, holy shit, is getting closer and closer because that dickwad is 38.

Miraculously, shortly thereafter, AM scored some dates with a 32 year old.  “Huzzah,” AM said.  “I had a problem where I was worried I can’t find a woman to impregnate with my ultra manly super seed and then low and behold, a younger woman falls from the sky.  Surely she will want my ultra manly seed.  Problem solved.  Literally, the fastest a problem has ever been solved in AM’s life.”

Sigh.  On date 3, the 32 year old informs AM she doesn’t want kids either.

Thus, AM is in a bind.  Two women like him.  Neither wants kids.  He wonders if he were to end up with one of them would he be able to charm them into having kids.

He feels like maybe both women were silly to mention such a thing so early…unless they really meant it in which case they did the right thing by being up front as a more devious woman might have waited a year to say she doesn’t want kids and by then the man is hooked.

So maybe he could try to talk one into having kids but…i mean, there’s the rub.  If a woman is up front about not wanting kids, then a year from now if she doesn’t want kids, that’s the AM’s fault for not listening up front.

AM is torn.  He has been alone for a very long time.  Many years of solitude.  He has no luck with babes and suddenly has luck.  He doesn’t want to be alone but he doesn’t want to give up on kids either.

On one hand he feels it is a lot to ask- i.e. you just meet a woman and she basically says, “Hi I’m a stranger.  Abandon all hope of fatherhood now to proceed.”

He fears he’ll grow bitter if he doesn’t have kids.  However, he also fears that if just goes back to the drawing board, (i.e. says thank you for the dates, ladies, but i’d like to see if there are any uteruses out there that are still open for business) he will end up alone.  He’ll end up 45, hopeless and alone, wishing he’d accepted defeat on the kid issue and just taken on of these ladies as a life companion.

Both women have their reasons.  38 year old is concerned of the health risks of having a baby as an older woman.  32 year old is a wacky feminist who believes that having a baby will keep her from “doing something important with her life.”  BQB didn’t have the heart to tell her that she didn’t appear to be splitting the atom or curing cancer or doing anything really groundbreaking that a baby would interrupt.  He knew that would go over like a lead balloon.

In short, AM’s choices are a) pick one of two women who don’t want kids and assume he will not change their minds b) go back to the drawing board.  Maybe that means a woman who can’t wait to pop a kid out of her cooter will come soon, though more likely, AM will end up a very sad, lonely old man.

Also, before you get after AM about going out with 2 women – a) he hasn’t talked to the first in awhile and b) it’s just been like dinners and movies and shit.  No horizontal mambo action.

Discuss.  Help solve the Alleged Man’s problems as he is apparently so distraught this illustrious blog and the publication of Toilet Gator are on hold until he figures out what to do.

 

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I Like Cats

I felt you all should know.

The Emoji Movie

I refuse to dignify it with a review.  You suck, Hollywood.  Be ashamed of yourselves.  Very ashamed.

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I’m Going On Strike

I don’t want to write this dumb blog anymore.  I’m going on strike.

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BQB’s Classic Movie Reviews – Ali G Indahouse (2002)

Hey 3.5 readers.  BQB here.

An oldie but a goodie.  Kind of a cult classic.

Before he found American fame as Borat, Sasha Baron Cohen was Ali G.  You know how sometimes white kids in the US pretend to be black in the hopes of looking cool?  Apparently that happens in England too, except the white kids pretend to be Jamaican.

At any rate, the guy who plays Tywin Lannister on Game of  Thrones plays the Deputy Prime Minister.  In a conspiracy to undermine the prime minister, he recruits total buffoon/white kid trying to be Jamaican Ali G run for parliament in the hopes he will embarrass the prime minister out of office, leaving him to take over.

As expected, Ali G douches his way to the top, teaches us all kinds of hilarious British swears (minga and batty the top two I remember) and despite his total incompetence, manages to save the day, as well as his favorite leisure center in the epically ghetto neighborhood of Staines.

Main thing that makes me sad is how time fast as gone.  That dude that plays the Hobbit plays Ali’s best friend and he looks so young.

Anyway, check it out.

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Daily Discussion with BQB – Why James Bond Should Never Be Female

“It’s time for a female Bond,” according to Chris Hemsworth.

Sure, Thor.  As soon as you step aside from your cash cow and let give your hammer to a lady, we’ll talk.  Go lick a kangaroo butt, dummy.

I’m sorry, 3.5 readers but I feel strongly about this.  There should never be a female James Bond.

Why?

#1 – It’s So Easy for Women to Get the D that a Jane Bond Movie Would Be Over in Five Minutes

Ladies, be honest.  It’s not that hard for you to catch a D.  I mean, we can talk about the quality of the D’s all day but ultimately, even the ugliest, grossest, most snaggletoothed beast of a woman can go out this morning and catch five Ds before sundown, and that’s a conservative estimate.

Don’t believe me?  Start walking up to random men and ask them for the D.  Yes, some of the wiser members of our manly organization will utilize a brain cell or two.  They’ll assume this is too good to be true, that it is some sort of trap, that maybe a random woman asking for D has an unsavory venereal disease…hell, there might even be some good guys who think sex with a stranger is wrong or that they don’t want to cheat on a wife or girlfriend.

Aside from those chumps, many men will be all like, “Sure, I got the D right here.”  And it literally will not matter if you are hot…or if you look like refried poop in the form of Rosie O’Donnell.  There will be men who will be willing to give you the D.

(FYI this is just a rhetorical argument.  You know it’s right.  Please don’t actually go out and ask men for D.  If you do, you assume the risk and we here at the Bookshelf Battle Blog will not be held responsible.  Don’t do it.)

Meanwhile, men, do you know what will happen if you go around asking random women for V?  Tazing.  Lots of tazing.  Your balls will light up like Christmas ornaments.  Oh and also lots of arrests.  You’ll probably ask one woman and then spend the next 48 hours in lockup awaiting your bail hearing.  (So, yeah, don’t actually do it, this is just rhetoric and we won’t be held responsible if you do because…don’t do it, dummy.)

Literally, only a select few of lucky men are able to walk up to any woman they want and snag the V without putting any work into it.  James Bond is one of those men.  In fact, his ability to score any poon in the world is his superpower.  Superman can leap tall buildings in a single bound, Wonder Woman has the lasso of truth and James Bond can convince any woman at all to give up the V.

This works to his advantage.  Every Bond film circles around Bond seducing the villain’s woman into giving up information on how to defeat the villain.  Only a man as suave, sophisticated, handsome and wealthy as Bond can fool a woman to give up the V…as well as the villain.

Do you know who can convince a man to give up information?  Literally any woman.  Your ugly stepsister, the fat lady at the DMV, your Aunt Doris, the cashier at Price Town with the hairy puss on her lip, literally any of these women could convince a Russian agent to give up the nuke codes because men will do anything for free pussy, and the pussy doesn’t even have to be high quality.

So, if it is high quality, say a hot actress playing Jane Bond, yeah, that movie is over in 5 minutes.  The hour long scene where James convinces the villain babe to give up the goods on the bad guy is replaced with a henchmen blasting his pants and handing over the codes to Jane before he cries himself to sleep over what a loser he is.

#2 – James Bond is the Ultimate Male Fantasy

He really is.  It isn’t easy being a man.  You have to work hard, pay the bills, help with the kids, take care of the house, do all the heavy lifting…if you’re lucky, your wife might tickle your pickle for five minutes a month if you beg her in a pathetic manner.

We live vicariously through Bond.  When Bond bangs any chick he wants with little effort, just because he’s awesome, and you know, the super hot woman usually feels really enriched from the banging and bangs him even though it means her betrayal means the villain will cause her to meet her certain doom…it’s like we get to live through Bond’s penis.

Seriously.  We can’t get our women to make us a sandwich without being read the collected works of Gloria Steinem.  Bond can convince women to die for his penis.  Please, please, please don’t take our Bond away.  Once every four years we get to experience via cinema what it is like to be a real man.  Don’t take that away from us.  It’s cruel.

#3 – You’re Basically Saying Women Aren’t Good Until They Become Men

The Bond concept is unique but can be copied to an extent.  There’s no reason another film couldn’t be made in which a female British intelligence agent seduces men with her vagina of doom.

However, by turning Bond into a woman, you’re saying women are no good unless they become men.  Bond must die and a woman must take his place.  I don’t agree.  There’s a good story about a female British spy out there.  It doesn’t require ruining Bond.

#4 – Would the Bond formula work with a black Bond?

As long as he’s a handsome black man, yes.  Idris Elba is rich and British.  Idris Elba is handsome.  I would trade places with Idris Elba in a second.  He probably gets more poon in a day then my 3.5 readers and I could get in a thousand lifetimes.  The fantasy works.  I can yearn to be Daniel Craig, pulling in all that sweet, mysterious international tale just as easily as I can yearn to be Idris Elba banging all that dangerous, alluring booty.

However, it doesn’t work with a woman.

You think it does?  I mean, even James Bond has to work at it a little.  You know what Jane Bond has to do?

JANE BOND:  Hello.  I will give you vagina if you give me the codes.

MAN:  OK here are the codes.

That’s it.  I mean, even Bond usually has to like, pretend to be a mysterious businessman and win a round of poker and maybe kill a guy or something before he gets the right introduction to meet the woman he will seduce.

Jane Bond just needs to flash the titties.

#5 – But Women Like Bond and Want to Be Included!

Yes, you poor, poor cuckold of a man.  Your wife told you she likes Bond movies and you took that to mean if the next Bond is a lady that would make her feel special.

Idiot.  While you are fantasizing about being Bond, she is fantasizing about being drilled by Bond.  Your wife will make you do ten hours of chores before you even think about grabbing her by the pussy ala our esteemed POTUS.  Meanwhile, your wife would totally give up the launch codes (and her goodies) to Bond.

Thus, stupid, stupid man, if you pull a Hemsworth and try to be some kind of menstruating male feminist, she’ll hate you for ruining her getting nailed by Bond fantasies.

Conclusion

Stop.  Just stop.  The average man is lucky if he can get a woman to begrudgingly touch his sad little phallus once a month without a big long speech about how much his wife gave up to marry him.

Do not take away the one fantasy we get every four years where we can pretend to be a man who can save the world by getting hot ass spy bitches to go to town on his top secret spy junk.

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Is Comedy Dying? – Part 2

Hey 3.5 readers.

BQB here.  Is comedy dying?  Maybe not, but I fear it might be on life support.

Let’s keep pondering the question, shall we?

In my last post on this topic, I mentioned “Airplane” as an example of a hilarious movie that wouldn’t get past the PC police today.

Here’s an example of a funny scene from that film:

So, in the 1970s (this film was made in 1980 when the 1970s were still fresh), there was a “jive” culture.  Hip, happening black dudes would dress up in fancy, stylish outfits, hang out at discos and talk in a cool style.

In this scene, Barbara Billingsley, the actress who played literally the first TV sitcom mother ever, June Cleaver on “Leave it to Beaver” overhears one of the jive dudes talking to the stewardess.  The stewardess can’t understand all of the hip lingo.

Babs, for some unexplained reason, does.  She starts speaking this super cool jive talk.  The jive dudes talk back and pretty soon they and the old gal are having a jive argument.

Why is this funny?  First, it pokes fun at that jive culture, but only tangentially.  If anything, it satirizes white people and old white women in particular.  This old white woman, essentially America’s first sitcom Mom, goes out of her element and speaks in this hip language typically reserved for the cool, happening black club scene.

The joke is basically an old white lady could never be that cool but here she is, being cool, out jiving the jive talkers.  Laughs often come when we are shown the absurd, the unlikely, the thing we’ve never seen before.

It’s a funny scene.  Would it fly today?  No.  Why?  Some Hollywood suit would see two black guys, assume they are being made fun of, assume that people are too stupid to get the joke as anything other than ridicule of black people (and sadly, many people are that stupid) and cut the joke.

Let me ask you this.  When you see these dudes talking jive, is your reaction to dislike them?  To think that something is wrong with them?  No.  Me, personally?  I kind of envy them.  They look like they led interesting lives, hanging out in busy city nightclubs, absorbing the music, the culture, learning a hip way to talk.

I regret that I’m more like the stewardess, too lame to understand what they are saying because I’ve never lived it up like they did.  Or worse, I’m like Babs, so old and uncool that people would laugh if I ever showed a hip bone in my body because it would be so surprising to people.

But there’s just no nuance anymore. No attempt to understand intent.  It’s just, “Oh no.  A black person is involved in this joke.  We must cut it.  If literally one person can infer that black people are being made fun of, it’s one too many.”

I dunno.  Am I right?  Am I wrong?  Hit me up on the flip side, 3.5 bloods.

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I Don’t Know What to Blog About

I am uber bummed and have no idea what to say, 3.5 home slices.

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Daily Discussion with BQB – Is Comedy Dying?

I caught a bit of “Airplane” (1980) this morning.  Such a funny movie.  Humor for the sake of humor.  Non-stop silly gags.  Things that obviously wouldn’t happen in real life but are there to make you laugh. That’s the whole.

Also, a lot of politically incorrect stuff..

I worry about the fate of comedy.  I feel like everywhere I go, people aren’t laughing anymore.  They are afraid of offending someone and yet there’s the rub.  Every person, every group, every occupation, every individual, every type – there’s humor to be mined out of everyone and everything.

True comedy lovers may get mad when a comedian makes a joke that makes fun of who they are – their particular group, type, etc.  But true comedy lovers will also let that go in order to laugh at the other jokes, jokes that don’t hit as close to home because they make fun of other individuals, groups they aren’t a part of.

America is the melting pot.  We are all simmering in the same stew.  Can we find some humor while we’re in there?  I think it all comes down to motive.  Is your joke meant to make people laugh and have a good time, or is it meant to belittle and make people unhappy?

I see it in what passes for comedy movies these day.  Safe, moderately silly premises that don’t probe, don’t challenge, don’t do anything.

What say you, 3.5 readers?

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Game of Thrones Recap – Season 7, Episode 2 – Stormborn

So, the Khaleesi is planning her invasion.  Her cohorts all want a full assault on King’s Landing.  The Khaleesi has other thoughts in mind.  She doesn’t want to be Queen of the Ashes, i.e. to destroy the city.  She wants to surround it and starve the Queen out.  Meanwhile, Grey Worm and the Unsullied will take Casterly Rock.

Sam is working to cure Mormont despite advice against it, namely, he could catch the disease in the process.

We finally see what eunuch sex looks like.  Ladies, keep an open mind about eunuchs.  They may not have much downstairs, but they make up for it with a little mouth to the south.

Cersei looks like she might have a surface to air anti-dragon weapon.  She also scores the first victory as ally Euron Greyjoy defeats his niece and nephew at sea.  Reek really wusses out.

Khaleesi confronts Varys.  He has a history of conspiring against those he has served to save the realm and also his hide.

Jon Snow decides to meet with Khaleesi despite advice against it.

What say you, 3.5 readers?  Will the Khaleesi pull this off?

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