Monthly Archives: January 2018

Tom Hanks to Play Mr. Rogers in a Movie

Hey 3.5 readers.  Won’t you be my 3.5 readers?

Millennials, sit down a minute, because you’re not going to believe this shit.

For roughly 35 years, the most popular children’s television program, really, the show that essentially started the concept of educational TV for kids, featured a single (though married in real life) grown ass man, who, from middle age well into his elder years, just randomly invited neighborhood children into his home, unattended, unsupervised, just him and the kids, and they played games and learned life and educational lessons and ate cookies and snacks and shit and then he’d just send the kids home completely unscathed.

Oh and also, the man had constructed a working toy trolley that rolled on an elaborate track that moved from his house to another room where the man had constructed an entire fantasy puppet kingdom.  The puppets had been given names, intricate backstories and everything.

All kidding aside, I’m glad Mr. Rogers is getting some recognition but is there enough backstory for there to be a movie?  Was there a big drama that unfolded as that we can watch and eat popcorn to?  Was there a big bad villain who was all like, “You will never build your fantasy puppet kingdom, Mr. Rogers!  Never!!!!”

I don’t know.  I’ll give it the benefit of the doubt.  If you’ve never seen Mr. Rogers, go check him out on YouTube.  You dipshits could benefit from learning how to be nice from the man who invented niceness.

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Literary Poop with Professor Nannerpants – The True Meaning of “Do Not Go Gentle Into That Goodnight” by Dylan Thomas

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Professor Horatio J. Nannerpants, Professional Literary Expert/Semi-Professional Poop Flinger

Oh, hello 3.5 students.  I didn’t see you there.  I was too busy strolling down a snow filled path on my way to spend a cozy night or two in a fine Swiss chalet.  I shall be drinking a number of fine, aromatic wines, discussing the important issues of the day with my many intelligent university colleagues and of course, I shall be flinging my poops at the wall to see what sticks.

Have you ever thrown a poop, 3.5 students?  For legal reasons, I can’t advise you to do it (though for cathartic reasons I can’t argue against it.)

As I enjoy a morning banana daiquiri (which I can drink at this time for I am on vacation and you shouldn’t assume I am drinking a banana drink just because I am a primate, you closed-minded ne’er-do-wells), I am pondering death.  Yes, death, the most terrifying of all inevitabilities.

“Do not go gentle into that good night, rage, rage against the dying of the light.”  Have you heard that oldie but goodie by Dylan Thomas?

Of course you haven’t.  You’re a product of the public education system.  Rent “Interstellar” and get back to me.

At first glance, you might think this poem includes encouragement to the dying, urging them to fight against their illness to stay in the light (life) for another day, and avoid the dying of the light (death.)

While I generally find that to be good advice, i.e., if you are sick, don’t give up because you never know, you might get better.  I know I once was very constipated and thought I’d die from an intense backup of poop but then after a laxative laced banana (only eaten for the potassium and not due to a simian stereotype) I pooped out several months’ worth of poop and had enough poop to fling for days and days.  I never felt more alive with all that poop to fling.

Note this passage:

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

I think there are a number of interpretations.  I don’t wish to put words into Thomas’ mouth and overall, the “don’t give up and fight to keep living, even if the fight just leads a little bit of extra time because that little bit is worth it” is valid.

However, an alternative meaning is that while you are young and alive, you should embrace life.  Work on your goals.  Do good deeds.  Do things that make you proud.

Live a life such that when you are old, you might say, “Well, I couldn’t have done it better.”

Alas, few, if any, live a regret free life but still, while a regret free life is impossible, it may be possible to feel like your life wasn’t wasted, that you didn’t just take up space on Earth while you were here.

Doesn’t matter how old you are, 3.5 students.  Your death bed is coming, hopefully at no time soon, and I hope that because a) I care about you and b) I want BQB to have more readers and make more money off this insipid blog so he can continue to pay me in banana bushels for these columns, again not because of your preconceived notions about simians and delicious nanners but because bananas are good for you.

What will you do so that you are feeling content when the light fades, 3.5 readers?  Start planning how to not waste your lives, today.

Don’t forget to fling your poop in the comments.  Class dismissed.

 

Douche Shark 3 – The Passion of the Douche Shark – Douchey Things to Say to Shark Babes

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By: Douche Shark, the World’s Douchiest Shark

Yo…yo, hey bro.  Bro…hey!  Hey yo, bro!  Don’t swim away from me, bro.  I’m talkin’ to you, bro.  Don’t be rude bro.  Don’t be rude.  Come on, swim on back.  No, I’m not talkin’ to you 3.5 readers.  I’m talkin’ to my douche shark buddy behind you.  Don’t worry, he aint gonna eat you 3.5 bros.  He don’t snack on stank meat.  What?  What’d I say?  Aw come back 3.5 human bros.  Fine, I’ll talk to you too.

Bros…check it out, bros.  The ocean is filled with fine ass lady sharks ripe to be caught, and here are some things that a sexy douche shark like me will say to bag those sweet lady fins because as much as they say they don’t, lady sharks totally like douche sharks bro.  They do.

Nice sharks finish last bro.  You ever see a nerd shark bang a lady shark bro?  Cool, I rest my case, bro.

OK bro, study up because here’s what you got to say to a lady shark to make her wet…I mean beyond the ocean she’s already living in:

#1 – Yo baby, come back to my shark crib and we’ll listen to some Pitbull.

Dale, bro.  Dale.  Lady sharks love Pitbull, bro.  Dale, dale, dale.  Sip cristal, bro.  Mr. Worldwide, bro.

#2 – Come back to me when you aren’t fat, baby.

Oh what, bro?  What?  This isn’t hurtin’ bro.  It’s helpin.’  How a lady shark gonna know she needs to stop eatin’ extra swimmers bro?  She needs you to tell her to cut back on eatin’ humans bro.  You’re not tellin’ her you won’t bang her, just that you’ll bang her once she’s not fat anymore.  Now she got like a reason to lose weight.  All the sweet shark sex you’re offering is gonna motivate her, bro.

#3 – Baby, you were hotter when you didn’t talk.

Lady sharks are meant to be seen and not heard, brosef.  Sometimes you got to remind the lady sharks of this, bromax.

#4 – Are you the hottest of all your lady shark friends?

You can’t be bangin’ the least good lookin member of the lady shark, bro.  You’re limitin’ yourself if you do, bromandu.

#5 – Where’s my dinner, baby?

Bro…no bro.  Stop rollin’ your eyes, bro.  Look, lady sharks are forgetful.  When they forget to make your dinner you got to remind them bro.  Again, any attempt to help a lady shark be the best possible lady shark she can be will be appreciated, bro.  She’ll be glad you reminded her and whip up some dinner right away, preferably with extra human swimmer meat.

LEAVE YOUR COMMENTS, BROMARAMS!

Aight, bros.  I’m outtie 5000.  You’re so welcome I dropped by, bros.  You really are.  I’mma gonna go work on my shark delts and my shark quads and then go eat seven or eight people then pick up some lady shark hotties.  You got any comments, bro?  Let me know but put on some shark Axe body spray first because you all stink, 3.5 bros.

 

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I am almost at 3000 WordPress followers

Hey 3.5 readers.  I need 6 more WordPress followers to get up to 3000 so, if you have a homie you haven’t told about this fine, semi-respectable blog yet, please do.

The Real McCoy – My First Time Eating Seven Layer Mexican Dip

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By: Leo McCoy: The Man Who Allegedly Once Met James Van Der Beek

Howdy doo, 3.5 readers.

Leo McCoy here, still resting on my laurels because I accomplished my life’s work in the 1990s when I delivered a sandwich to that blonde God-man, James Van Der Beek.  To flip the script of that sexy man’s theme song, I don’t have to wait for my life to be over, because I found out what the purpose of my life will be – to sit around and be happy that I met James until the end of my days.

FYI I used the word “sexy” in a manly way.  I appreciate JVDB’s physique and want to make mine look like his but you know, that’s not gay or nothing.

Look, 3.5 yahoos, the topic du jour of this column is this – I just tried seven layer Mexican dip for the very first time and it was a bittersweet experience.  Sweet because it tasted so good.  Bitter because my ass exploded like the cannons in the “1812 Overture.”

I like sour cream.  I like shredded cheese.  I like salsa.  I do not like guacamole or jalapenos so I never tried this dip before because I didn’t want to eat something I didn’t like but as it just so happened, there was some in my fridge.  I don’t know how it got there.  I think my old frenemy BQB left it there because he felt sorry for my supposed unemployment issues.  All I can say is I don’t need your charity, nerd boy.

So I tried it.  And I enjoyed it. First you get the sour cream and cheese and its like a nice texture, kinda chewy.  Then you get the salsa and its hot.  And honestly, I find guacamole to usually suck but when you mix it with the other stuff it’s pretty good.

Anyhow, an hour goes by.  I’m content.  I’m glad I tried something new, not nearly as glad as I was on that fateful day when I met the Beek from the Creek, but still, pretty happy nonetheless because I was dreaming of all the dip I’d eat.

Long story short, my ass started blowing up like a 2 dollar whore’s phone on check cashing day.  Whoa nelly.  Such sounds.  Such smells.  Was it worth it?  I don’t know.  It was pretty tasty and I do live alone so I suppose so.

Still, I can’t help but think that Bookshelf Q. Battler put that delicious dish into my fridge just to assault my colon.  The nerve.  Besides that time I tried to feed him to zombies, what did I ever do to him?

What’s your favorite James Van Der Beek memory, 3.5 readers?  Discuss in a purely aesthetical, non-gay way in the comments.

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The Great Prognostications of the Astounding Nerdstradamus – Hobo Sex Symbols and Fart Money

And now, from Bookshelf Q. Battler Headquarters in Fabulous East Randomtown, the Astounding Nerdstradamus shares his confounding prognostications of the future of nerd kind…

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Come forth, 3.5 readers and bask in my all seeing glory for I, the Astounding Nerdstradamus, shall open your eyes so that you might peer deep into the future of nerd-dom:

  • Acclaimed film director Quentin Tarantino, who gained critical acclaim with his 1990s gangster flicks (“Pulp Fiction” and “Reservoir Dogs”) which featured snappy, witty, back and forth dialogue, shall wow sci-fi nerds with a foray into a “Star Trek” film.  It will be three hours long, two hours of which will be spent on Capt. Kirk asking Mr. Spock how many dicks Madonna might have been referring to when she sang the 1980s pop hit, “Like a Version.”  Then, some klingons will break in, spew multiple 1970s references and then the Enterprise will travel through time and crash into a meeting of Nazis and 1800s slave masters, both groups having also come together to plot dastardly deeds via space travel.  The final fifteen minutes will be an obscenity laden blood bath.  You’ll wish Quentin had done better, but you’ll hand it to him that he made two awesome movies in the 1990s (three if you count “Jackie Brown” though many don’t although they really should) and now he just gets to have a lot of fun.

 

  • Internet sensation Grumpy Cat will be accused of sexually molesting a hamster and will be pilloried by the #metoo movement.  The hamster will appear on multiple talk shows to discuss the harrowing ordeal that grumpy feline put him through.

 

  • China will continue to clone adorable monkeys.  This is how “The Planet of the Apes” begins.  Stockpile bananas now, for they will prove to be valuable currency later.  Also, they’re a good source of potassium, so really, it’s just common sense.

 

  • Bill and Hillary Clinton will appear on a special edition of the Maury Povich show.  They will drop their pants and reveal that Bill had the vagina all along, while Hillary was packing the penis. Further, Maury will reveal lab tests indicating that Hillary is Chelsea’s father.

 

  • Hobos will become the next sex symbols.  Dousing yourself with trash and inviting your date to dine on a can of beans that you light up by rubbing the business end of a 99-cent cigarette lighter of the bottom of the can will be the one and only way to get laid.

 

  • Bit coin will be popular until it is replace with X-coin.  X-coin will be replaced with Giga coin.  Giga coin will collapse, taking the dollar and even gold with it.  For the first time ever, gold will be worth zero.  Farts will become the only acceptable form of currency.  To pay for anything, one will be required to fart in a merchant’s specially designed fart storage receptacle.  Fat, gassy people will finally have their chance to be millionaires.  Alas, 99 percent of the world’s fart wealth shall reside in the colons of the wealthiest 1 percent of refried bean can owners.

 

  • Bookshelf Q. Battler’s blog will be studied in a 2175 writing seminar entitled, “How to Not Blog.”

YOUR PREDICTIONS:

Share your predictions of the nerdy future in the comments below.  Alas, if you do, I prognosticate that you will be alone with nothing but a rubber woman and extreme sadness every Saturday night for the next three years.  You will then buy a house plant and your abode won’t feel so lonely.

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Things I Worry About – Should You Tip Counter Staff for a Take-Out Order?

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Breakout Social Media Celebrity Lloyd Bunson, Host of “Lloyd Bunson’s Happy Fun Time Ejector Seat Channel.”

By: Lloyd Bunson, Professional Worrier

It’s been awhile since I’ve stopped by to say hello to you, 3.5 readers and do you know why?

Because I’ve been worried.  I’ve been worrying so much that I curled up into the fetal position and locked myself in my homemade, underground bunker, subsisting on a steady diet of oreo cookie filling and rain water.

Worrying about what?  I was worried you’d ask.

Have you noticed lately that tipping just isn’t for waiters now?  Say you go to a restaurant and stop at the bar to pick up a take-out order you’ve phoned in.  You’re basically doing the establishment a favor.  You aren’t taking up one of their tables.  You aren’t eating up the wait staff’s time, making them fetch you drinks and food and such.

You run your credit card and the counter person gives you a receipt to sign…where there’s a line for a tip!  This worries me.  What should I do?  I mean, better question, what did the counter person do?  He just handed me a box of food.  Really, I’m the one doing all the work here.  I’m picking up the food.  I’m going to take it home and serve myself.  I’m going to pour my own drink like a caveman.  Am I really expected to tip a counter person just for handing me a box?

I’m so worried.  Do I tip just to be courteous?  I like the food at this place so if I don’t tip I worry they might spit in my food.  But if I tip the counter staff, will the waiters be mad?  The waiters are doing more than the guy at the counter so maybe the next time I decide to go in and sit down for a meal, the waiter might rub his junk all over my potatoes au gratin.  Talk about extra cheese.

I’m very worried, 3.5 readers.  Very worried indeed.  I’m also worried about Bookshelf Q. Battler.  Why does he keep this dumb blog going?  No one reads it.  I don’t think even the 3.5 readers read it.  Do you 3.5 readers really read it?  I’m so worried you don’t and when BQB finds out he actually has 0 readers he will be very sad.

Do you tip counter staff for a take out order?  Besides that, what else are you worried about?

Help Me With This Cover

Behold, Disco Werewolf, the baddest, most happenin’ 1970s cat who just so happened to be a dog.

Is his fur too dark?  Does it blend in and get lost in the dark background?

I’m thinking about asking the artist change to gray or brown fur, but there’s a part of me that likes how the dark brings out his glowing eyes.

Also, 1970s disco babes love Disco Werewolf

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I’ve lowered my international prices

Hey 3.5 readers.

Further experimentation with pricing, I have no idea about foreign money value but I went through and lowered the price of my book to either Amazon’s minimum for that country or close to it.  So, if you’re one of my 3.5 readers who is somewhere far, far away, you can get this book for a pretty low amount of Euros, or lira, or rupees or um, you know, no offense,  but if there’s a country out there where y’all just barter with goats, you probably only need to shove the goat’s hoof into the computer, not the whole goat.

It’s ok that joke was politically incorrect.  I was alive in the 90s so I’m grandfathered in.

Attention English speaking countries.  Brits, you can get this fine book for 1.99…what is it, pounds?  Is that what you’re all using?  Do they have pictures of the Queen on them?  So it sounds like I’ll need one picture of the Queen and then .99th of a picture of the Queen.

Sidenote: is the Queen ever going to step aside and let Charles wear that crown for a day or two?  Holy crap, I never thought being a prince would be a thankless job but it must really suck for that guy to like be waiting to be the king your whole life and you’re in your 60s and you’re like, “Oh, yes, mumsy, so glad you’re still in good health, I guess I shall go twiddle my thumbs another decade, cheerio, ta ta!

Aussies, you can get this book for 3.99…Australian dollars?  Is that it?  What do you people use?  Just send me a friendly koala bear and we’ll call it even.  He must be trained and able to do simple tasks.  Just don’t read my book for too long because you need to be watching out for dingoes who want to eat your babies.

Americans, you still have to pay $2.99 but think of it as an investment in me as a future ambassador of America’s awesomeness and overall badassery.

Oh and don’t forget if you have kindle unlimited, you can read my fine book for FREE!

Did I mention there’s a damn flying shark on the cover?

 

 

 

 

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Daily Discussion with BQB – California to Fine and/or Jail Waiters Who Give Out Straws Without Being Asked

Hey 3.5 readers.

Your old pal BQB here.

California, that dopey state full of dopey people (unless you read this blog then I love you and you’re not included) has passed a law, the basic summary of which is if you’re a waiter and you hand out a straw without being asked for one, you could get a fine up to $1000 or 6 months in jail.

Let’s unpack this.  I assume the concern is a) all other problems in California have been solved and the legislature can now put all of its focus into the great straw catastrophe and b) straws are not really a necessity (at least for most people) and therefore if they are passed out only when asked for, there might be a reduction in straw plastic being thrown away.

First, I mean, holy shit, a fine or jail?  Look people.  Jail sucks.  The government shouldn’t be creating new ways to throw people into jail over piddily shit.  Can you imagine the conversation on the cell block?

PRISONER A: Whaddya in for?

PRISONER B: I was the chainsaw maniac serial killer on the news.  I chainsawed 50 people to death.  How about you?

PRISONER A:  I was a mob hitman.  I whacked over a thousand people.  Hey you, what are you in for?

FORMER WAITER TURNED PRISONER C:  I gave a straw to a customer even though he didn’t ask me for one.

PRISONER A: OH MY GOD!

PRISONER B:  You make me sick!

At any rate, prison time should really be reserved for major crimes so I mean, you know locking people up or fining them or putting anything on their criminal record over a straw is crazy.

You might think this won’t be rabidly enforced but I mean, all it takes is for one uppity person to run to the cops and be all like, “He gave me a straw without asking!”  And then what’s that trial going to be like?  Five days of lawyers and witnesses and a judge re-enacting an alleged straw handoff?

Second, paper straws do exist.  I’ve used them and they aren’t that bad.  If plastic straws are that concerning, they could tell restaurants they have to use paper straws.

Third, there has to be a reason why restaurant drinks always come with straws in the first place.  It’s got to be a sanitation thing.  If you have customers just putting their mouth germs on the straw and then the straw is easily flicked into the trash, maybe that lessens the spread of bacteria for say, a dishwasher who would otherwise be handling hundreds of glasses that were drunk directly from all day.

Plus, you’ve got these cups being drank from by tons of people everyday…and they’re being handled by waiters all day…I’m sure the dishwasher probably kills most germs but the straw just adds an extra little layer.  I mean, if there’s serious germs in that cup, will the straw stop it?  Probably not but still.

In theory, I do wonder about all the excess waste that restaurants and especially fast food joints produce.  Every drink you get a plastic cup, a bag or a box your food goes in, you eat for a few minutes then that all goes in the trash but unfortunately I just don’t see another way.

I just think that jail time for a straw infraction is a bit much.  The threat of jail should be used sparingly.  I have a feeling in the next year there are going to be a lot of waiters and waitresses whose disgruntled exes are going to be shouting, “He/she gave me a straw!  An unasked for straw!”

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