Monthly Archives: November 2016

Top Ten Christmas Movies

Ho ho ho 3.5 readers.

Jingle bells, the Yeti smells, BQB is still in captivity.

But that’s ok because I have my ways of getting around the Yeti.

Did you know you can help rid BQB HQ of Yeti rule by following me on Twitter – @bookshelfbattle ?

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In the meantime, from BQB HQ, here are the Top Ten Christmas Movies, in no particular order:

10.  Scrooged (1988) – A Christmas Carol has been remade, rebooted, and parodied a ridiculous amount of times.  It makes sense because it follows a classic formula for teaching a main character the error of his ways.  For me, the best and funniest retelling was this Bill Murray comedy from the late 1980s.  Entertainment executive Cross follows in Scrooge’s footsteps by chasing money and working his way to the top of a TV network, only to realize he missed out on the love of his life Claire (Karen Allen) and not taking care of the people who have helped him along the way like Bobcat Goldthwait’s take on Bob Cratchit in the form of Eliot Loudermilk.

9.  Home Alone (1990) – Truly the most heartwarming film about child neglect, Kevin McCallister (Macaulay Culkin) left behind by his large family on Christmas and must defend the family homestead from robbers Daniel Stern and Joe Pesci.  Ironically, the sequel stars the 45th President of the United States.

8.  A Christmas Story (1983) – Author Jean Shepherd’s recollections of his youth come to life as Ralphie (Peter Billingsley) hounds his family into buying him a Red Ryder BB gun, despite their fears that he’ll shoot his eye out.  Hollywood embarrassed itself terribly by making a sequel you shouldn’t bother with.

7.  Bad Santa (2003) – Ever wonder if that person in the department store mall Santa outfit is a reputable character?  Billy Bob Thornton answers a resounding “no.”  RIP John Ritter and Bernie Mac.

6.  The Muppet Christmas Carol (1992) – If Scrooged is the best version of the Dickens classic, then this is the second best.  Michael Caine as Scrooge.  Kermit as Cratchit.  It’s all good.

5.  Gremlins (1984) – You forgot this takes place at Christmas, didn’t you?  Zach Galligan and Phoebe Cates end up battling little green men over the holidays when a wise Chinese shopkeepers mugwai care instructions are ignored.  Never feed a gremlin after midnight.  (Isn’t it always after midnight somewhere?  Like what is the feeding window?  Isn’t 1 p.m. still after the previous day’s midnight?)  Check it out for Phoebe’s monologue about her Dad dressing up as Santa Claus and then getting trapped in the chimney and dying, thus ruining her yuletide spirit forever.  I have yet to figure out if this speech is supposed to be straight up serious or darkly comedic.  Maybe a little of both.  Gizmo…caca!

4.  The Polar Express (2004) – Breathtaking animation.  Tom Hanks animated as multiple characters.

3.  Prancer (1989) – A girl takes in a reindeer as her pet, only to discover…dun dun dun…that it belongs to Santa!  #mindblown

#2 – Die Hard (1988) – I don’t care what anyone says, this is a Christmas movie.  Truly the best underdog action hero story about a man who tries to make amends with his estranged wife by attending her office Christmas party only to end up having to save the day from German terrorists.  Yippy ki yay.

#1 – Christmas Vacation (1989) – This one is number one for a reason.  It really is the best Christmas movie ever made.  Others come and go.  I might watch them or I might not but every year I watch Die Hard and Christmas Vacation.  Shitter was full!

Did I miss your favorite Christmas movie, 3.5 readers?  Tell me about it in the comments.

 

 

 

 

 

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Five More Boring Things to Do from the Yeti

By: The Yeti, International War Criminal/Super Boring Fuzzy Snow Monster

Hello overstimulated 3.5 readers.

The Yeti here, back with some more boring things for you to do.

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#1 – Eat a Bag of Rice Cakes

Literally, like consuming styrofoam.  What is the point? You can eat a bag of them and it is like 10 calories or something.  Rice cakes are like methadone for a recovering fat person.  Very boring.

#2 – Wait in a Line

Doesn’t matter what it is for.  Just pick a line and wait.

#3 – Do a Crossword Puzzle

“Oh look at me!  I’m Mr. Genius Newspaper Crossword Puzzle Creator!  Blah, blah, blah I’m so smart because I lined up a word going across with another word going down based on a single letter that both words have in common.  Someone give me a trophy, blah, blah, blah.”

Boring!

#4- Share a Dumbass Face Book Meme

“Oh, look at me again!  Here is my stupid post with a copyright infringing yellow minion and it says some bullshit like, ‘I wonder if I share a hug how many people would hug me back?  I bet I don’t get one hug!'”

Good!  Call a bookie and place that bet because that is some winning action, you incredibly boring assface!

#5 – Get Into a Political Argument with a Facebook Friend

“Blah, blah, blah.  I work at the gas station and I think Trump is the best.  Oh yeah? Well, blah, blah, blah, I work at a drive-thru burger joint and I think Hillary was outta sight.  Oh yeah?  Well, I live on a commune and I’m all about Bernie.  Yes, let us all blah, blah, blah our unwavering political opinions at each other all night despite our lack of qualifications and credentials, blah, blah, blah.”

Boredom forever!

Tired of a Yeti controlled Bookshelf Battle Blog?  Kick the Yeti’s furry butt out of BQB HQ by following BQB on Twitter – @bookshelfbattle

 

 

 

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Have a Happy Day, 3.5 Readers

I got nothing for you today, 3.5.  Alas, I’m still a captive of the Yeti.  Follow me on Twitter @bookshelfbattle to rid this blog of tyrannical Yeti rule.

Yetis are the worst and they are so ridiculously boring.

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Movie Review – Bad Santa 2 (2016)

Ho ho holy moly.  I can’t believe they made another one.

BQB here with a review of Bad Santa 2.

OBLIGATORY SPOILER WARNING.

The year was 2003.  George W. Bush was in the White House, the clubs were playing Fifty Cent’s In Da Club on a continuous loop (which frankly, they should still be doing even today) and a little Christmas comedy movie called Bad Santa turned out to be unexpectedly hysterical.

So naturally, in this age where Hollywood hasn’t had a new idea in awhile, they had to take another dip in the Bad Santa well.

Billy Bob Thornton reprises his role as Willie Stokes aka the worst Santa ever.  His diminutive friend/elf Marcus (Tony Cox) is out on parole after double crossing Willie in the original film, but now he’s back and recruits Willie to go on a new Christmas heist.

Even worse, Willie’s foul mouthed degenerate mother Sunny/Mrs. Claus (Kathy Bates) joins in on the action.

On top of all that, Thurman Merman (Brett Kelly) aka the dumb little kid who befriends Willie in the first film is back and dumber than ever.  He’s all grown up and totally an adult now.

Seeing as how I remember seeing this movie like it was yesterday,  I’m not sure which makes me sadder, that Thurman is an adult or that John Ritter and Bernie Mac, who both had big parts in the original, have since, and to my great dismay, shuffled off this mortal coil.

Time, you son of a bitch.

Back to the review, Christina Hendricks and her enormous boobs replace Lauren Graham of Gilmore Girls fame as Willie’s love interest this go around.

I have to be honest, while Christina’s enormous boobs are truly a spectacle to behold as well as a pair of national treasures, I really do believe she deserves a feature film role that isn’t about her enormous boobs.  Sadly, this isn’t it, though she does make the film worth watching.

The movie has its funny parts as well as a lot of scenes where it is clear the actors are just being called upon to be as gross and disgusting as possible.  As often happens in comedy sequels, the jokes that floored us the first time are repeated and though we’ve come to expect that, they just don’t have the same luster that they did before.

Where the crap did thirteen years go?  Holy shit.  Someone get in a damn time machine and pull me out of the Bad Santa 1 movie theater and explain the series of mistakes I need to avoid in order to not end up as the proprietor of a blog with 3.5 readers in 2016.

Just kidding 3.5 readers.  You know I love you and your seven eyes.

STATUS: Shelf-worthy, but partly because it makes me nostalgic for the original and partly because of Christina Hendricks (I should be clear and say that her boobs do not appear on screen.  Sorry. I know. Spoiler.)  Otherwise, I could take or leave this movie.  If you’re looking for adult themed holiday laughs, this is your movie.  If not, you can wait and rent it next year.

FYI I karate chopped the Yeti in the face just to go see this movie and review it for you, 3.5. You’re welcome.

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TV Review – Portlandia

Who knew Portland was so funny?

BQB here with a review of IFC’s Portlandia.

Hipsterism.  Pop culture.  Trends and the never-ending attempt to keep up with them.  These are just some of the issues that are lampooned in this IFC sketch comedy show.

SNL alum Fred Armisen and Carrie Brownstein, both musicians, become all sorts of crazy characters as they poke fun at Portland’s excessively laid back lifestyle.

There’s the Women First Bookstore where the ultra-feminist owners put on a car wash to pay their rent and lecture a male customer that he better not be checking them out, even though their ankle length bed sheet like dresses clearly prevent that from happening.

Meanwhile, a ridiculously long line for a popular new brunch restaurant descends into Mad Maxian chaos as people waiting in line start their own villages and societies, wondering if their name will ever be called.

Generation X is the butt of many jokes as Portland seems stuck in the 1990s.  At one point, Fred and Carrie locate former MTV VJs Kurt Loder, Tabitha Soren and Matt Pinfield in order to launch a takeover of MTV and return it to a past where music videos were actually played and discussed instead of the tween based reality TV show nightmare the channel has become.

A veteran journalist’s newspaper is taken over by bloggers who want him to stop writing hard hitting exposes in favor of celebrity NSFW photos.  Carrie declares social bankruptcy when the social media requests for her to like and comment on posts outweighs the time and bandwidth she has to respond to them.

It’s all very funny and yet it is one of those shows you just have to watch in order to really get.  Plus, guest stars make cameos aplenty.

STATUS: Shelf-worthy and each show is about twenty minutes long so I’ve found they’re perfect when I need to chill out and relax for a bit.  Available on Netflix.

Don’t tell the Yeti that I’m still posting with Alien Jones’ space phone.

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Top Ten Boring Things to Do

By: The Yeti, International War Criminal, Incredibly Boring Fuzzy Snow Monster

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Hello stupid 3.5 readers.

The Yeti here, still enjoying my control over the Bookshelf Battle Blog.  BQB will be my prisoner forever!

And as long as I am in charge, everything around here will be super boring, including this incredibly boring top ten list.

From BQB HQ, which is now Yeti HQ, in East Randomtown, which will soon be East Yeti Town, here are the Top Ten Boring Things to Do, which I, the Yeti, order you to do immediately:

#10 – Collect and Organize Your Toenail Clippings

No, do not throw them away.  Collect them and organize them in a series of jars based on size, color, and consistency.  Proudly display them on your mantle and/or coffee table.

#9 – Call Information to Ask What Time It Is 

Yes! Be the last asshole in the entire world who doesn’t own a watch, or a cellphone or a clock or a television and is not ingenious enough to find a clock to look at.

#8 – Go to a Strip Club Blindfolded

Muah ha ha!  Without your sense of sight, it will just be a smorgasbord of body odor, cheap perfume, Axe body spray and desperation – a yeti’s perfect Saturday night, let me tell you.

#7 – Watch Paint Dry

Just dab some paint on a spot in your house that needs a fresh coat, then pull up a chair and watch it dry. Breathtaking.

#6 – Read Bookshelf Q. Battler’s Back Catalog of Posts

The man thinks he is the next comedic genius but trust me, he is very boring. Snoozeville.

#5 – Stare at a Cat

Literally, all they do is lick themselves and sleep.  Once in a blue moon they might see something interesting and attack it, but that is rare.  Their lives are mostly licking and sleeping.  I theorize that cats might be part-yeti.

#4 – Listen to NPR

All those low talking, whispering ladies will put you right to sleep.  Yetis love to sleep.  So boring.  Zzzzzzz.

#3 – Read an Actual Print Newspaper

I heard a rumor they still make them.  I bet they are so boring!

#2 – Listen to Country Music 

Here, I’ll spoil every country music song for you. “Oh I’m a jilted woman but I’m strong because I get up out of bed anyway and my ex is a dickface for jilting me but I’ll survive!”

There.  Now listen to a country music station for forty hours and try to stay awake.

#1 – Write Firefly fan fiction

I do not know what this means but I heard Bookshelf Q. Battler say that people who do this are incredibly boring.

Tired by Yeti control of the Bookshelf Battle Blog? Follow BQB @bookshelfbattle on Twitter to free BQB from the Yeti’s furry clutches.

 

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RIP Florence Henderson

Oh my God, 3.5 readers.

It is a very sad day here for the pop culture fest that is Bookshelf Battle due to the news that Florence Henderson has passed away at the age of 82.

I mean, she lived a full life and got to do great things and lived to an old age but still, she was truly America’s mom.

She played Carol Brady, the mom on the Brady Bunch, then in her post-Brady years, made a career off of cameos where she’d either do something hilariously un-Mrs. Brady-like or would appear as a funny motherly figure or something.

I never heard of some of her other pre-Brady gigs before but the news outlets are reporting she did have a pretty noteworthy Broadway career and spent some time on The Today Show before becoming Alice’s boss.

Oh God, I’m so shaken by this tragic news that I’m going to refrain from asking why did Mrs. Brady need a house keeper if she didn’t have a job.  We all know why. Six kids are a handful and the woman needed assistance. Stop judging, haters.

2016, you dick! How dare you take America’s mom?

Anyway, I’m sure you’ve seen plenty of Brady Bunch clips on the news today, so I’m going to share the Weird Al Yankovic clip where she starred opposite Weird Al in his Amish Paradise video.

What are your favorite Florence Henderson memories, 3.5 readers?

PS thank you the Yeti for letting me out of the cage to write this Florence Henderson report.  It is nice to know that we can put our rivalry aside in dark times like these.

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Movie Review – The Trust (2016)

Hey 3.5 readers. BQB in captivity here. Just sneaking out of my cage and onto the computer while the Yeti takes a nap.

Money! A heist! Lots of Nicolas Cage yelling!

BQB here with a review of The Trust.

I tend to shy away from films that just end up on streaming services without much theater play (I assume this was as I don’t remember it being in the theater) but this one caught my eye so I checked it out.

Believe it or not, millenials, but there was a time when Nicolas Cage was a big box office draw.  The intense eyes, the flaring nostrils, the ability to be serious and/or charming one second only to fly into an intense, scary rage the next…

…eh but now the world just can’t tolerate a leading man with a receding hair line anymore.

And I suppose he has engaged in some wackiness but oh well. That’s neither here nor there.

All I know is you should see The Rock (1996) if you want to see one of the best action films ever made and understand why the dude was a big hit back in the day.

Moving on…

The Trust stars Cage and Elijah Wood as Officers Stone and Waters, two level Las Vegas cops  who learn of a drug operation’s high security vault.

The buddy cops start out slightly bent if not completely crooked but when they learn of this big score, they put their minds to a plan and work it, only to discover what lies inside the vault is nothing what they expected.

Quickly, the level of “trust” the two amigos have long held with one another is shattered and, well, if I tell you much more than there’s no point in streaming it.

I have a hunch the film was written around Cage and Wood, as if they somehow knew they’d like to work together so someone came up with a script.  Both characters seem to have Cage and Wood-like personality traits.  Stone (Cage) is serious and normal one moment, a bundle of rage the next. Wood is a neurotic nerd too crippled by ennui to get his act together.

I mean I’m not saying Wood is crippled by ennui but he has played that type of character before, most recently in that dumb FX sitcom Wilfred where his dog walked around as a human from time to time.

Veteran comedian Jerry Lewis (yup, he’s still alive) has a cameo as Stone’s father, though he doesn’t matter much to the overall movie other than you as the viewer get to go, “Hey, Jerry Lewis is still alive. Good for him.”

It’s low budget and there are some logical leaps but it is interesting to watch the duo plan and carry out their very complex caper.

STATUS: Shelf-worthy. Find it on Netflix.

Hey, this has been BQB and I’m off to my cage now. Don’t tell the Yeti I was here.  Don’t forget to follow me on Twitter @bookshelfbattle if you want to save me from the Yeti’s vile clutches.

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You Will Watch Nothing But C-Span When The Yeti Controls the World

By: The Yeti, International War Criminal/Fuzzy Snow Monster, Self-Appointed Ruler of the Bookshelf Battle Blog

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Hilarious jokes? Wacky and neurotic observations?  Movie reviews?

Bah ha ha ha!  No, you puny 3.5 readers only get C-SPAN.

Today I control the Bookshelf Battle Blog. Tomorrow, I shall control the world.  And I will make the entire planet incredibly boring.  It will be so boring that C-SPAN will be on every channel.

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Ask the Alien – How to Save Bookshelf Battle from the Yeti’s Furry Clutches

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By: Alien Jones, Intergalactic Correspondent

Greetings Earth losers.

Holy bioluminescent space crap.

I walk away from the Thanksgiving table at BQB HQ for a minute to feed the meter next to my space ship and by the time I get back, the damn Yeti has changed the locks and taken over the joint.

Not gonna lie.  This does not bode well for my career, or frankly, my little green life, because as you know, for some strange reason, Bookshelf Q. Battler is the Mighty Potentate’s Chosen One, the one who will allegedly write and publish a novel that is so breathtaking that it will convince all of humanity to give up on reality television.

Personally, I don’t see it. I’ve seen more work ethic in Nyquil addicted sloths than I have seen in BQB, but hey, what the Potentate wants is what the Potentate gets.

And his going to get my vaporized if he happens to check this blog and find out that BQB has been imprisoned and that a damn fuzzy international war criminal hellbent on turning the entire world into a boring place is in charge.

3.5 READERS: How do we save BQB, Alien Jones?

Oh thank the Potentate, 3.5 readers. I’m so glad you asked.

Twitter.

Yetis only love boring things and if this blog starts getting more follows on its companion Twitter page, then that will be just way too stimulating for the Yeti to handle and he will surely bail.

3.5 READERS: Can’t you just vaporize the Yeti?

Really? That’s how it’s going to be? The alien has to do everything?

Bitches, please. Get your asses to Twitter and follow your favorite nerd and save his ass from the Yeti and my ass from the Mighty Potentate…please. Pretty please…with space sugar on top.

BQB’s handle is @bookshelfbattle or you can just go here.

Don’t delay, 3.5 readers, because when it comes right down to it, my safety, er I mean BQB’s safety, is all that matters.

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