a dumber movie than Battleship?
If there is, I can’t think of one. Maybe Pootie Tang.
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Bookshelf Battle
The only site where new bestsellers are forced to do battle for space on a nerd's bookshelf.
Monthly Archives: February 2015
To Book or Not to Book?
To Book, or not to Book?
That is the question.
Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer posts that are mere extraneous filler just to meet the requirements of an ill-advised challenge…
…or to keep up with said challenge now that you’ve made it.
Ask the Alien
Alien Jones, so named because his true moniker is virtually unpronounceable by the average human, is taking
Alien Jones, Special Guest Contributor
your questions and telling all in an effort to raise Earth above it’s current status as “the armpit of the universe.” (His words, not mine.)
What’s the deal with probing? Crop circles? Area 51? Space travel? Other planets? What’s his favorite
book? TV show? Movie? Ask him about the great mysteries of the universe, or hell, ask him why McDonald’s discontinued the McRibwich. There is no question his genius alien brain cannot answer.
So ask away and you never know, he may even be gracious enough to plug your blog in his answer.
Ask him in the comment section of this blog, tweet your questions to @bookshelfbattle or ask him on the Bookshelf Battle Google + page.
Together, we can help this alien in his message to raise our home world’s collective intelligence level. And let’s face it, that’s a pretty tall order.
Alien Image Courtesy of “Marauder” on openclipart.org
The Dress
Top Ten Explanations for “The Dress”
1) It’s a CIA Mind Control Conspiracy. The longer we stare at it, the more hypnotized we become…
2) Same thing but aliens did it instead of the CIA. I will have to consult Alien Jones on this.
3) It’s an ancient Queen’s dress come back to haunt us.
4) It is an intelligence test.
5) It is an illuminati conspiracy to turn us against each other. Where were you on the day the people who saw white and gold separated from the people who saw black and blue?
6) Charlie Sheen found it crumpled up on his floor last night, hanged it up, and posted a pic. Had no idea it would go viral. Winning!
7) It’s a psychology study to see how long we, as a society, are willing to talk about mundane things. Answer – a long time!
8) It is a wearable Rorschach test.
9) If you see white and gold, you are awesome. Thus, proof I am awesome.
10) It is just a dress.
Seriously (or maybe not so seriously), I have long held a theory that perhaps people see things differently. I have wondered – “What if, what I see as blue, other people see as red?” and “What if, when I am talking about something I think is blue, people hear me say, ‘blue’ but they think of what I see as ‘red?'”
To blow your mind more, what if, what I see as people, you see what I believe to be lizards? What if, when you look at a lizard, you see what I would see as a tiny little person walking around on all fours?
MIND BLOWN!
Long Before Being Nerdy Was Cool…
Statement by the President on the Passing of Leonard Nimoy
Long before being nerdy was cool, there was Leonard Nimoy. Leonard was a lifelong lover of the arts and humanities, a supporter of the sciences, generous with his talent and his time. And of course, Leonard was Spock. Cool, logical, big-eared and level-headed, the center of Star Trek’s optimistic, inclusive vision of humanity’s future.
I loved Spock.
In 2007, I had the chance to meet Leonard in person. It was only logical to greet him with the Vulcan salute, the universal sign for “Live long and prosper.” And after 83 years on this planet – and on his visits to many others – it’s clear Leonard Nimoy did just that. Michelle and I join his family, friends, and countless fans who miss him so dearly today.
I just want to point out one part:
“Long before being nerdy was cool…”
We are now in a time when being nerdy is cool. Do you remember a time when it wasn’t? I do. It wasn’t fun. Kind of bittersweet, isn’t it?
The White House has official stated nerdy=cool and recognized Nimoy as a pioneer of nerdyness. We live in good times.
Well, ok, aside from all of the other atrocities you hear about on TV everyday…but beside those, we live in good times when it comes to being a nerd.
A Sad Day for Nerd Kind
RIP Leonard Nimoy/Spock. I have set my phaser on sad.
What was your favorite Spock moment?
Special Guest Book Reviewer Frank Underwood
Bookshelf Battlers, I’m pleased to announce that Frank Underwood, Fictional President of the United States in the House of Cards world, has agreed to be a guest book reviewer today. I interviewed him earlier this week to get his thoughts on the timeless children’s classic, Green Eggs and Ham, by the incomparable Dr. Seus. Here is the transcript of that interview:
FRANK UNDERWOOD (LOOKS DIRECTLY INTO THE CAMERA): As they say in my hometown of Gaffney,
Planning to read and review the House of Cards novel by Michael Dobbs soon. Until then, enjoy Frank’s review of Green Eggs and Ham.
South Carolina, if you’re going to do something, do it big. So why on earth would I ever allow myself to be featured on a book blog that only has 3.5 people reading it?
BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER: Mr. President, thank you for agreeing to this interview.
FRANK UNDERWOOD: (TO ME) No problem, sir. Why frankly, book blogs such as yours contribute to this great nation’s literacy and educational efforts. (TO CAMERA) They have another saying in Gaffney. Time is money and my time? It’s very valuable. For allowing my precious moments to circle round and round the drain of eternity only to be swallowed by the sewer of oblivion, I’ll have this wannabe writer dispatched posthaste. It will look like an accident and the world will be none the wiser.
BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER: Mr. President, who are you talking to?
FRANK UNDERWOOD: What? Oh, no one in particular. I just like to break the fourth wall from time to time.
BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER: So – Green Eggs and Ham. What did you think?
FRANK UNDERWOOD: To try new things or to stay with the same old same old is the raisone d’etre of this childish farce from a man who, between you and me, had very questionable doctor’s credentials. I don’t believe I ever saw him perform a single surgery. However, his credentials as a bona fide scribe are without question. I enjoyed it thoroughly.
BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER: Did you learn any lessons you’d like to share with my 3.5 readers?
FRANK UNDERWOOD: Why, I’m glad you asked. People should open their minds. To remain steadfast to old, worn out traditions is to become irrelevant. I’m all about trying new things. My wife Claire and I try new things all the time… (TO CAMERA) – …usually with Meechum.
(UNDERWOOD’S PHONE RINGS. BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER was able to obtain a transcript of the following exchange between the President and the First Lady. A sawbuck to Doug Stamper may or may not have been involved)
CLAIRE: Frank, how is the interview going? Are you informing bookshelfbattle.com’s 3.5 readers about why they need to read The Lorax?
FRANK: I’m sorry, dear. I changed it to Green Eggs and Ham at the last minute.
CLAIRE: But we talked about this! We agreed that a review of The Lorax would be more conducive to my non-profit environmental efforts!
FRANK: The Lorax is an unwashed hippie, Claire. Running around, talking gibberish, trying to shut down corporations that keep the working man employed. I’m sorry Claire, but association with the Lorax is a no go. Joey the Dog’s reluctant yet eventually compliant spirit of can do enthusiasm is exactly what my presidency needs.
CLAIRE: Reluctant yet eventually compliant…
FRANK: I know. Sounds like the night we spent with Meechum.
(FRANK hangs up the phone)
FRANK: Where were we?
BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER: Discussing Green Eggs and Ham.
FRANK: Ahh yes. Now sir, philosophers may disagree about the socioeconomic strategies vis a vis green food products but I for one…
(My phone rings)
BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER: I’m sorry, Mr. President. Hold that thought. Hello?
CLAIRE: Bookshelf Q. Battler, this is the first lady. You need to tank Frank’s review of Green Eggs and Ham, but never let it be known I had anything to do with it. You need to put up a review of The Lorax in its place.
BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER: Um. OK then.
(I hang up my phone).
FRANK: (TO THE CAMERA) Kept waiting by a wordpress wonder. The indignity. (TO ME) Now then, if we could discuss Sam I Am’s place in the literary world, I think we’ll find that…
(My phone rings again)
BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER: Mr. President, I’m so sorry. One moment. Hello?
REMY DANTON: Mr. Battler. Remy Danton, big time Washington lobbyist here. We need to talk. Listen, cancel Underwood’s review of Green Eggs and Ham. What the American people really want is a review of The Cat in the Hat.
BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER: You think so?
REMY DANTON: I know so. A magical cat whisks a pair of children into a fantasy filled with wonder and make-believe. Your 3.5 regular readers will find that much more enjoyable. For Christ Sake’s, you might even get yourself on Reddit. That’s the big time for book bloggers.
BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER: I’ll think about it.
(I hang up. My phone rings again)
FRANK: Oh, don’t mind me, I’m just looking through some files while I wait. (TO CAMERA) And also plotting as to which dumpster your bloated corpse will find itself in.
BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER: Hello?
RAYMOND TUSK: Hello, Mr. Battler. This is Raymond Tusk, a highly influential rich man who bears a striking resemblance to Major Dad. Listen, Frank Underwood is trying to shove Green Eggs and Ham down your throat and Remy Danton is trying to stick the Cat in the Hat up your you know what. Ignore both those losers and offer your readers a review of Horton Hears a Who.
BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER: Why?
RAYMOND TUSK: Son, trying new things is overrated. Do you know why eggs turn green? Mold. Eggs turn green when they are moldy. Let me ask you a question. Have you ever eaten a moldy egg?
BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER: No.
RAYMOND TUSK: Of course not. And do you know why?
BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER: No.
RAYMOND TUSK: Because you don’t need to shove a pile of mold in your mouth in order to realize it would taste awful. Some things that are new to you should never be experienced because you already have a built-in sense that certain things are better left untried.
BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER: Makes sense.
(I hang up)
FRANK: (TO CAMERA) As they say in Gaffney, sometimes you need to stick your hand up a book blogger’s posterior and work him like a puppet. (TO ME) Level with me son. You’ve got my wife demanding that you review The Lorax. I know you’d never do that because you’re smart enough to realize that no one cares what that walrus mustached clown has to say.
BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER: OK.
FRANK: That two-bit hack Remy Danton wants you to review The Cat in the Hat. Imagine. A six foot tall anthropomorphic feline waltzes right into a home uninvited and proceeds to encourage the unattended children to engage in all sorts of tomfoolery. Why, the fish is the only voice of reason in the entire publication. Where on earth were the children’s parents amidst all of this foolishness? I’ve a good mind to call social services.
BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER: I have always sided with the fish. Except for one book I wrote and tried to turn into a movie.
FRANK: And Horton Hears a Who? An elephant who believes he talks to tiny people. That book is absolute madness and has no business offending your 3.5 readers’ eyes.
BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER: Agreed. Green Eggs and Ham it is.
FRANK: Delightful. Now, how are you getting home? Do you need a car? Scratch that. You should just take the train…
BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER: Ummm….I’m fine. I think I’ll just walk.
EDITOR’S NOTE: Joey the Dog is the actual name of the guy that Sam I Am tries to feed green eggs and ham to. I had to look it up.
Intergalactic Awesomeness
By: Alien Jones (Special Guest Contributor)
Greetings pathetic 3.5 human readers.
Do not attempt to adjust your computer. I have taken control of bookshelfbattle.com
Alien Jones, Special Guest Contributor to bookshelfbattle.com
To pronounce my name would require you to rub sandpaper on your tongue for three hours and then stretch it out while a musician strums it like a ukulele string. Neither of us have time for that, so you may simply refer to me as “Alien Jones.”
This name was carefully selected after I asked the computer on my spaceship to determine a name that the insignificant human mind could wrap itself around. It came down to either “Alien Jones” or “Goofy Space Man.” I selected the most dignified option of the two.
Do not embarrass yourself by asking what planet I hail from. By edict of my emperor, I am forbidden to tell you. My home world has passed legislation known as the “Keep the Humans from Finding Us So Our Airwaves Are Not Filled with Reality Television Act.” Violation will result in me being slapped unconscious with my own ganderflazer.
First and foremost, I’d like to take this opportunity to share a public service announcement. My home world banned the practice of human probing over a thousand years ago, in the year you would refer to as 1015 A.D. At that time, our revered team of scientists and medical doctors announced they had discovered all there is to be learned through endoscopic exploration of human nether regions.
The practice was banned but, alas, even a highly intelligent species such as mine is not without its weirdoes. Rogue aliens have been conducting their own unsanctioned probing missions to your planet for an entire millennium. Many of you simple folk have been duped into being willing participants.
Therefore, please be aware that if an alien demands to probe you in the name of intergalactic science, he is acting alone and not under the authority of the emperor of my home world. You may comply if you so choose, or you may beat him with his own ganderflazer. The decision is entirely yours.
Now that I have dispensed with the pleasantries, I shall explain why I have briefly taken control of this blog.
I am not going to sugar coat it, Earth. You dudes are really screwing the pooch. You have a planet capable of sustaining life. Many species, including my own, recognize this miracle and act accordingly. You people?
Compare the accomplishments of my world vs. yours:
MEDICINE
MY WORLD: Our scientists have eradicated all diseases and remedied all bodily maladies. We live happy, pain free lives. Hospitals are non-existent as they are no longer necessary.
EARTH: Has yet to cure cancer or heart disease, yet erectile dysfunction pills are in abundant supply. Prioritize much, losers?
TECHNOLOGY
MY WORLD: All media is downloaded directly to our brains.
EARTH: The device you call an iPad was used by our prehistoric cave aliens to wipe their expectorant holes. We felt sorry for you nimrods, watching you tether yourselves to your televisions and computers that we decided to throw you a bone and beam the idea into the brain of renowned computer scientist, Mr. Steven Jobs.
TRANSPORTATION
MY WORLD: We have mastered intergalactic space travel.
EARTH: You people have barely mastered the Pontiac Aztec.
ENTERTAINMENT
MY WORLD: We have developed 4D television which allows you to enter and live as a character in your favorite program.
EARTH: Breaking Bad. OK. We will give you that one.
Aside from Breaking Bad, an idea we totally beamed into the mind of Mr. Vincent Gilligan, your planet is really stinking up the universe, Earthlings.
And to help you unstink yourselves, we beamed the idea to create this blog straight into the mind of Bookshelf Q. Battler. Yes, this site is an ongoing chronicle of one man’s love of books, movies, media, writing, and tales from his magic bookshelf.
But we zapped the idea to create this blog into Mr. Bookshelf’s mind. We even implanted him with the idea to blog once a day for a year.
Why?
Because we have identified Bookshelf Q. Battler as the most awesome dude on your planet, and frankly, given the pool of talent you’ve got down there, that isn’t saying much. Even so, this guy is pretty awesome, so you should all listen to him….and follow his blog…and follow his twitter…and follow him on Google Plus…and sing songs of his awesomeness from the rooftops. Also, bake him chocolate chip cookies.
Are you still unconvinced? Here is a smattering of what the most awesome individual on your pitiful planet has been up to lately:
When the F$%k Should Your Characters Swear? – Yes. Delightful. The worst swear in my language would require you to pull out your tongue and jump rope with it. You could never pronounce it and I certainly hope you never encounter a situation in which you deem it necessary to utter it.
A Review of Birdman – Even we aliens agree Michael Keaton was robbed. 1989 Batman forever!
A Response from the Yeti – Do you know any other bloggers willing to fight a snow beast just to blog for you? I thought not.
Those are just three of the best posts written by Bookshelf Q. Battler this month. I could go on and on all day about the awesomeness he has put into the universe over the past year.
And to help him garner the attention of more than a paltry 3.5 readers, I will, from time to time, take control of this blog through my space ship’s super computer and remind you of his latest contributions to your planet’s supply of cool stuff.
Your planet is lagging, Earthlings. Bookshelf Q. Battler will help you catch up. Continue to follow his blog, and maybe one day we will allow your species to sit at the intergalactic adults’ table.
Thank you for reading. You may now return to your programs about Kardashians and pizzas with crusts stuffed with cheese, as if you all aren’t portly enough already.
Alien Image Courtesy of “Marauder” on openclipart.org
