Yeesh, what a stinkburger.
Let’s get this review over with.
I have no idea why I keep falling for this drek, 3.5 readers. Once upon a time, there were franchises I could always count on for a good time. Fast and Furious was one of them until they let me down in May with their latest monstrosity that they owe the fans an apology and a refund for.
But the Expendables? Nah. No way Stallone would ever do us dirty, right? RIGHT?
Wrong.
But let’s back up.
Schwarzenegger and Stallone were the top action stars of the 80s, even into the early 90s. Alas, Arnie made the mistake of running for govanator of Cal-ee-forn-ya in the oughts, which I say was a mistake because he wasn’t that much of a governor and he missed out on his chance to rebrand himself as an actor and take on roles where he plays older, wiser, mentor types. Maybe even bring some of his old properties back for one last ride.
Stallone has managed to do that with style. In the past 20 years he’s given us a couple of fairly decent Rambo sequels, as well as some great Rocky sequels. But arguably his best contribution was the Expendables, a trio of action films that served as love letters to the 1980s action flicks that made him famous, the ones that former 80s kids like this writer loves.
And while many moves lamely patch themselves together with pathetic, tired cameos, the Expendables excelled at cameo fan service, giving action stars of yesteryear huge roles with plenty of room to strut their stuff for the fans who have missed them oh so long. Past outings have seen Chuck Norris, Jean Claude Van Damme, Bruce Willis, AH-nold, Stone Cold Steve Austin, Harrison Ford, well, basically anyone who has ever fired a gun in a movie before has been in one of these films and given plenty of time to shine. Not just a silly walk on but time to shine.
Were these flicks low on plot? Sure, but they still had a fun, rudimentary plot. Despite a huge ensemble cavalcade of characters, everyone had something important to do for at least a few minutes. It was a rockin good time.
Now comes this mess. My first complaint is a big one. Stallone is barely in it and he’s really the main reason you’d see it in the first place. Talk about a bait and switch. It’s like being sold a ferrari only to drive it home and find out it was a bunch of cardboard prosthetics propped up and painted around a 1977 Gremlin. I really am getting sick and tired of these movies that look good in the promos only to disappoint on screen but I wonder how many times I’ll fall for it before I stop bothering to buy a ticket altogether.
Stallone’s number 2 man, Lloyd Chrismas (Jason Statham) takes the lead, avenging the death of Stallone’s character Barney Ross against a pretty insignificant villain. Past flicks gave us action film stars like Van Damme and Mel Gibson chewing up the scenery while the baddie is rudimentary. Someting bad happened years ago and there’s a secret bad guy and you know what its all so stupid it’s not worth your time.
Megan Fox gets a big part and her hotness defies logic as well as my pants but even she can’t save this stink fest. 50 Cent stops by but even if he were an entire dollar he couldn’t do much.
Missing in action are Expendable standards Terry Crews (Hail Caesar) and Jet Li. No explanation given. I assume they just read the script and there wasn’t enough money to convince them to debase themselves. I wish Stallone and Statham felt the same way. Especially Stallone. I mean, come on man. You slap your name and face on this, your fans come out thinking it’s going to be a winner only for it to be a loser cash grab? That sucks.
I don’t really understand the fizzle. Surely there are plenty of action stars who want five minutes to ride again. Or maybe this franchise already gave them that. And if they’re all too costly, then don’t ruin the franchise with a lousy flick.
STATUS: Not Shelfworthy. At some point, doesn’t Hollywood owe us a duty to not make shitty movies? Shouldn’t all these people look at this script and say this really blows and we aren’t going to hoodwink fans who loved the past three into thinking 4 is going to be equally great? So tired of this.
Bookshelf Battle 