Monthly Archives: August 2020

My Shorts Are Cheap!

Hey 3.5 readers.

BQB here.

Totally important announcement, so drop everything you are doing and pay me your rapt attention.

No, that’s not rapt enough. More…more…more…alright, your attention is now sufficiently rapt.

My three short stories, now on Amazon, part of BQB’s Twisted Shorts series, have been priced down to 99 cents.

Is that a reflection of what they are worth? No. I’d charge a million bucks a piece if I could but I don’t think anyone would pay a million bucks for any book.

I’m just testing the waters to see if going cheaper works. We’ll see how it goes. If it doesn’t work, I’ll eventually go back to a higher price.

Here you go. When Superheroes Quit. 99 cents.

Check this out. The One That Got Away:

And finally:

I can’t believe how cheap my shorts are, 3.5 readers. Do you want cheap shorts? Then buy my cheap shorts today!

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William Sherlock Scott Holmes? (QUESTION)

Hey 3.5 readers.

BQB here with a question for my 3.5.

I’m writing a Sherlock Holmes book, but with my sense of humor. Briefly, Holmes and Watson time travel to modern times and their take on everything modern is funny.

There is a scene where Sherlock’s brother Mycroft, who has been posing as a modern day American for quite some time, saves Sherlock by helping fit in with a bunch of unruly yanks, slapping him on the back and calling him “Billy Boy” – from there on when they are in private, Mycroft calls Sherlock, William.

I thought this was his full name but after doing more research, apparently Sir Arthur Conan Doyle never called Sherlock this. The best I’ve found is that it comes from a 1962 book from another author about Holmes and apparently it has been passed down throughout fans over the years.

And it has been popularized by the famous BBC show with Benedict Cumberbatch setting Sherlock in modern times.

I guess the question is should I 86 the William Sherlock Scott Holmes and just leave him as Sherlock? In my version, he introduces himself as Sherlock Holmes. Watson always calls him Holmes. Mycroft is a double agent, sometimes posing as an American and thus refers to his brother as “Billy Boy” but when they are alone and Mycroft becomes British again he calls him William.

Writers have free reign to write about Holmes now given the 2014 copyright ruling. But I’m nervous about the William Sherlock Scott Holmes thing. If it is something passed about by fans over the years, perhaps its fine to use it. If it is more modern and created by new sources then maybe I shouldn’t touch it.

Maybe I can give him my own name like his name is Fred Phillip Sherlock Holmes or something.

It’s hard to explain. It’s just there’s a sibling rivalry in my book where Mycroft and Sherlock are constantly at odds and Mycroft calls him William to piss him off.

Overall, in my research it has been difficult to sort out what was invented by Doyle and is this fair game (Sorry Doyle) and what has been invented by more modern adaptations and thus isnt.

Thoughts?

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YOU CAN STILL GET MY FREE BOOK!

Hey 3.5 readers.

Your old pal BQB here.

Do you want a FREE BOOK?

No, you don’t. OK. Don’t worry then.

Oh, wait. You do? Cool. Because this FREE BOOK is FREE so go get it.

Are you intrigued by conspiracy theories? So is Harry Blanding. This wacky, crazy old vagrant shows up at a subway stop every day, shouting out absurd claims about aliens, UFOs, Bigfoot, Russian spies and more.

Most write him off as a performance artist with a twisted sense of humor…but one particular government agency that may or may not exist is not laughing.

In conclusion, this book is FREE and really, noble reader, how often do you get something for FREE? You should get this FREE book for FREE right now.

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GET MY FREE BOOK!

Hey 3.5 readers.

I have a new FREE short on Amazon. Totally FREE. Did I mention it is FREE? Now and for the next few days you can get a FREE copy.

Harry Blanding is a crazy old conspiracy theorist…or is he?

Every day he arrives at a subway stop in New York City, ringing a bell as he shouts out wacky claims, each one sillier than the next. Pudding cup labels that contain subliminal messages. A nuclear warhead stockpile inside Teddy Roosevelt’s head on Mt. Rushmore. Bigfoot is a hitman in the employ of Russian spies.

Absurd, right? When cell phone videos of Harry’s antics go viral, most assume the old man is a performance artist with a twisted sense of humor.

One particular agency that may or may not exist isn’t laughing.

GET YOUR FREE COPY TODAY!

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Regrets, Kierkegaard Had a Few

Do you regret reading this post, 3.5 readers?

That’s OK. I already regret writing it.

And there’s the rub, for the great Danish philosopher Soren Kierkegaard warns us that it is inevitable for us to regret literally everything we do:

“If you marry, you will regret it; if you do not marry, you will also regret it; if you marry or do not marry, you will regret both; Laugh at the world’s follies, you will regret it, weep over them, you will also regret that; laugh at the world’s follies or weep over them, you will regret both; whether you laugh at the world’s follies or weep over them, you will regret both. Believe a woman, you will regret it, believe her not, you will also regret that; believe a woman or believe her not, you will regret both; whether you believe a woman or believe her not, you will regret both. Hang yourself, you will regret it; do not hang yourself, and you will also regret that; hang yourself or do not hang yourself, you will regret both; whether you hang yourself or do not hang yourself, you will regret both. This, gentlemen, is the sum and substance of all philosophy.”

I have come to find that Soren and I are a couple of morose mother-effers who act like someone just pooped in our cereal (classic Jay and Silent Bob reference.)

But it’s true, isn’t it? Middle-aged, people, you know what I’m talking about.

If you get married, you will regret not staying single a year or two or three more and maybe you could have found that sex crazed nympho that was willing to cater to all your whims.

If you don’t get married, you will regret being alone and come to realize that the nice, normal person who wasn’t a sex nympho and was not going to cater to all your whims would have been at least good company who would have given you some nookie once in awhile.

If you are mean you will feel bad about the people you could have helped but didn’t. If you are nice, you will regret letting people walk all over you.

Soren loses me on the suicide part of the quote. That’s too far for me. If anything, my big regret is not doing everything possible to ensure that I’ll live to be over 100. Frankly, my big regret is that I did not become a health crazed, kale chomping, 5K running strong man at an early age…so I do regret that my blood type is rocky road now. I don’t think I would have regretted getting healthy and staying that way from the beginning.

The Sore-meister famously dumped the love of his life out of fear that he’d regret marrying her only to regret doing so. I hate to admit that in my youth I chased after dum dums and pushed away smart smarts (is that the opposite of dum dums?).  I guess you could call me a junior Soren in that regard.

Maybe I am Soren reincarnated.

Anyway, we only get one life and we must make choices. Unfortunately, many of those big choices are made when we are young and have heads full of mush. When we are older and get all the spoilers of how our choices worked out, I suppose it is only natural to regret mistakes made, now that we have more information.

Note though we can’t be sure that we made mistakes even if it feels like we did. We wish we had snagged that special someone but maybe that special someone would have turned out to be a jerkface. We wish we would have snagged that special job but maybe it would not have worked out. Maybe we would have made decisions that got us the perfect life only to be run over by a bus in a freak accident.

Let’s try to recognize that Soren is right in that regret is inevitable, but perhaps we do need to forgive ourselves lest we regret being consumed by our regrets.

Remember, Soren also said, “Don’t forget to love yourself” so he must have realized we need our own personal hugs in the midst of all this regret.

Soren actually invented the term “angst” and noted that “anxiety is the dizziness of freedom.” In other words, we have so many choices in front of us that it is normal to feel sick over the possibility that we might eff those choices up.

Finally, the Sore-a-nator said, “Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.”

Soren didn’t know the term “spoiler alert” but he was right. You don’t figure out what you did wrong until the wrong is already done. As you get older, you can’t help but do an autopsy of your life and analyze what you should and should not have done.

It’s too bad we don’t get to live to 200 so we could screw up the first 100 years then really knock the ball out of the park in the second hundred.

Thanks for the thoughts, Kierkegaard and cheer up, wherever you are.

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Get My Next Short!

Boy, 3.5 readers, my little Amazon catalog sure is growing.

My third short, “The End Is Nigh” is now available. Wacky conspiracy theorist and alleged nutball Harry Blanding shows up at a subway stop every day, ringing his bell while he blurts out his absurd claims.

Most believe him to be a performance artist with an absurd sense of humor, but when cell phone footage of Harry’s antics goes viral, one particular government agency that may or may not exist is not laughing.

Get your copy today:

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I Kant Even

The great philosopher Immanuel Kant once said, “Happiness is not an ideal of reason, but of imagination.”

What say you, 3.5 readers?

I’ll admit, I have wasted my life thinking if I only get this or that or the other thing or achieve x y or z I will be happy and now that I am older I realize maybe I should have looked for happiness in the journey rather than wait for the destination that never seems to be reached.

Perhaps it is unreasonable to be happy. It is illogical to be happy. How can we be happy when we know full well that one day we are going to plotz? That we are but a mere tragedy away from losing our homes, our lives and/or everything we hold dear? Honestly, we are probably idiots if we aren’t up all night long, worrying about every conceivable thing that could hurt us.

So perhaps happiness must be imagined. Imagine that your significant other is the best lover on earth with the prowess of a Greek god or goddess. Imagine that your house is a mansion. Imagine that your TV is a 60 foot plasma. Imagine that your whiny little lap dog is a majestic dire wolf.

Find the happiness in your head, 3.5 readers.

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Albert Camus’ Invincible Summer

Hey 3.5 readers.

The French philosopher Albert Camus once said, “In the depth of winter, I finally learned there lay within me an invincible summer.”

What do you think that means, 3.5 readers?

I’m going to guess it means that even during Camus’ worse times, he was able to feel good about himself. And why not? He was a famous writer who was handsome and popular with the ladies.  It was easy for him to find his invincible summer.

Camus was an absurdist and I am no philosophy expert but my understanding is that absurdism is a spinoff of nihilism.  Nihilism = life is meaningless while absurdism = life is absurd.

Is it? Maybe. It is kind of absurd that you are born, you live, you learn all these lessons and savor the joys of life in your youth then eventually you hit a point where with each passing year, these joys are taken away from you more and more.

So maybe it wasn’t easy for someone who thought life was absurd to find an invincible summer inside of himself. Maybe Camus does deserve a pat on the back for finding it.

Sidenote – the poor guy died at 46 in a car crash while a passenger in a sports car his agent was driving. There was a train ticket in his pocket that went unused because he decided to drive with his agent instead. If you get an agent, don’t let them drive, 3.5 readers.

Then again, what do I know? Maybe your agent is a great driver and the train you would have been a passenger on might have exploded due to some sort of unforeseen malfunction.

Don’t listen to me. Don’t take advice from blogs that are only read by 3.5 readers.

To sum up, it is good that a famous writer finds his invincible summer. It makes sense. Where it is harder is the janitor who scrubs toilets all day then comes home to an empty house because his wife left him and so he stares at the walls by himself all night. These are people who need to find their invincible summer, and it is hard.

Come to think of it, it is hard for proprietors of blogs with only 3.5 readers to find their own invincible summers. Excuse me. I need a kleenex to dry some tears that came only due to allergy season.

Find your own invincible summer, 3.5 readers and if you know someone living in winter, maybe see what you can do to bring some summer into their lives.

I got through this whole post without making any French jokes about Camus probably liking baguettes and crepes suzette. I am proud of myself, oui, oui, sacre bleu!

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Does Every Rose Have Its Thorn?

Hey 3.5 readers.

That infamous 1980s hair band Poison once said of life, “Every rose has its thorn and every cowboy sings a sad, sad song.”

The point was to everything good there is also some bad. Roses look and smell good but they have little thorns that might prick you.

Cowboys are cool because they ride horses and rope broncos. (I assume Poison was talking about modern day cowboys who just work on ranches and live under the stars and not yesteryear cowboys who robbed stagecoaches and so forth.)

Anyway, cowboys ride horses and do fancy lasso tricks but they also sing sad songs. What are the sad songs about? Probably women they missed out on because they were too busy roping broncos and riding horses and the women didn’t want to live under the stars.

Poison was trying to warn us that every good has its bad, so be careful but also, don’t avoid good because it has bad. Don’t sit around waiting for the badless good because you won’t find it. If you wait for a good without some bad, you will wait your whole life.

What say you, 3.5 readers?

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Hello 3.5 Readers

How are you? We never talk anymore. What’s new?