Monthly Archives: October 2018

Witch Pickup Lines

It’s that time of year.  You’re attending a Halloween party and you see a fly ass green hunny who you just gots to knock big belt buckled boots with.

Let BQB show you how it’s done with his Top Ten Witch Pickup Lines.

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Get The Last Driver – Episode 1 for Free!

 

Hey 3.5 readers.  BQB here to make a sales pitch…except it’s not really about sales because I’m asking you to get a FREE BOOK.  That’s right.  Totally free.

The Last Driver is set in the world of 2050, where self-driving cars are the norm and no one remembers how to drive anymore…except Frank Wylder, an old man who, in his youth (i.e. today) was a bank heist getaway driver for a criminal organization.

The years went on.  Frank retired from his life of crime and went legit.  In the meantime, oh, I don’t know, a freaking dystopian government that conquered the entire world was formed and know The One World order controls everything, literally everything.  They’ve set up the ultimate nanny state.  They make all your decisions for you.  Who are you going to marry?  What job will you have?  How much money can you make and Frank’s least favorite?  How many beers can you have in your fridge?

Yes, it’s the globalism vs. nationalism debate of today magnified times a thousand.  The globalists have one but the Nationalist Front seeks to overthrow the Order.  To that end, they kidnap Frank’s granddaughter and force him to drive for them on a series of anti-Order missions.

Don’t you just hate it when you’re stuck in the middle of two petty, bickering factions?

Get you FREE copy today!  Did I mention that it’s FREE?

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Get My Big Book of Badass Writing Prompts for Free!

You’ve read the other books for writers.  You’ve never read one like this.

My book has prompts about shark punching, farts that echo through time and space, scary pieces of pumpernickel bread, an intergalactic mission to a butt-less planet, zombies who own a bed and breakfast….it goes on and on.

Best part?  It’s free.  Yes, this and Episode 1 of The Last Driver are free until Oct. 30th, so be a pal and grab a free copy.  Did I mention it is free?  Because it is.

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FREE BQB BOOKS!

I’m Crazy BQB and my prices are insane!

My prices are so low I should be put in a straight jacket and shipped off to the funny farm but I don’t care because I’m passing the savings on to you!!!

For the next 5 days you can get my 2 self-published books for absolutely free!  That’s zero dollars!  That’s no money!  Nada! Zilch!

3.5 READERS: OK, BQB, we’ll get your free books.  It’s the least we can do.

Well, the most you could have done was to have bought my books at full price to thank me for the many years I have been entertaining you with this fine blog for free but that’s ok, I love you, 3.5 readers.

But if you could go on over to Amazon and grab my free books, that would be awesome.  If you could leave a review, that would be great.  If you could share news of my free books on your preferred time wasting social media website, that would be perfect.

FRIENDS OF MY 3.5 READERS: Oh great, the 3.5 readers are going to share yet another boring lunch photo and what?!  They’re posting links to BQB’s awesome free books instead?  Hooray!  The 3.5 readers are the best!

So, what will you find for free from BQB?

First, The Last Driver – Episode 1 just dropped like it’s hot (that’s so 2000’s) on Amazon.  Someone bought a copy within the first hour and thank you to that person.  The rest of you need to get your priorities straight.

Next up, you can also get BQB’s Big Book of Badass Writing Prompts, for FREE as well:

Now, 3.5 readers, I don’t know what time it is in your neck of the woods, but this sale is scheduled to start tomorrow.  What time that actually kicks in I don’t know.  I’m going to assume midnight.  Obviously, if you go on over before October 26, you’ll have to pay full price, and if you want to do that, I’d appreciate it, because damn it, keeping the lights on at BQB HQ is no easy task, let me tell you.  By the way, do you have any idea how much yetis eat?

But if you are cheap-o skinflint, I totally understand as the Baby Boomers have been selling us all down the river for years and don’t even get me started on the post-2000 economy.  I understand.  You can’t go around spending your cash on every book offered to you by a magic bookshelf caretaker.  Ergo, you can wait until the sale starts on the 26th and get both books for FREE!

Thank you for your support, 3.5 readers.

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The Last Driver – Episode 1 is Live

Hey 3.5 readers.

BQB here.  Episode 1 of The Last Driver is live and available now on Amazon.

Dystopian future of 2050 where the forces of Globalism and Nationalism clash and the last old man who remembers how to put his foot on the gas in a world where self-driving cars are the norm is caught in the middle.

Think this is far fetched?  Um, have you watched the news lately?

Get your copy today:

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Movie Review – Bad Times at the El Royale

This movie may be about bad times but if you see it you’ll have a good time.  Zing! I’m so witty.

BQB here with a review of Bad Times at the El Royale.

3.5 readers, I’m just going to say it.  This is the best movie I’ve seen all year and frankly, one of the best new films I’ve seen in a long time.  I went into it thinking it would be decent but was blown away by its style and originality and I love it when I can give a glowing recommendation right off the bat.  Go see it.  Go see it now.

The El Royale is a hotel that straddles the California and Nevada state lines.  In the 1960s it was a hot spot for the rich and famous, though by the 1970s when this film takes place, it has been long forgotten.

A series of guests check in at the same time.  There’s the obnoxious traveling salesman (Jon Hamm doing his best Foghorn Leghorn impression); the lounge singer (Jennifer Hudson in the role she’s been waiting for); the Catholic priest (Jeff Bridges); and the rude hippy (Dakota Johnson).

If I were to tell you much more, I’d ruin it all for you.  Suffice to say, in each room, there’s a mystery underway.  Every guest has a troubled past and each mystery will come together in a big way.

There are times when it takes awhile for the story to build up, but the promises of big plot paydays are made and paid with interest if you hang on.

The Oscars have been under fire the past few years as being a stodgy institution that just pays attention to obscure art house flicks that no one watches.  This film would be the Academy’s chance to buck that trend.

While each character has their moment to shine, Bridges and J-Hud shine particularly bright.  Jeff Bridges turns in his best performance in over 20 years since the Big Lebowski.  What range.  Two decades ago he played a mellow dude who never let anything bother him and today he’s playing an aging holy man whose violent past has caught up with him.

Meanwhile, I’ve always admired J-Hud.  While most singers rely on skimpy outfits, gimmicks and scandals, Hudson has always let her pipes speak for themselves.  She turns in her performances in public and then her private life is her own and she doesn’t try to blend the two.  She’s had a number of parts in films over the years but this the most memorable since her turn as Effie in Dreamgirls launched her career.

I know it’s still early and most Oscar films don’t come out until the end of the year, but I hope the Academy will consider this film.  It is not a traditional Oscar flick by any means but the story grips you, the performances are great and Bridges and Hudson deserve gold statues.

Is J-Hud seeing anybody?  Feel free to move into BQB HQ anytime Miss Hudson.

STATUS:  Totes shelf-worthy.

EDIT: Hey, I don’t feel like rewriting this review but it was just brought to my attention by Twitter that J-Hud wasn’t even in this movie.  Cynthia Erivo plays the singer in this movie but hell, give her an Oscar because she’s also great. There are a lot of actors/actresses that look alike.  I know fairly recently there was an actress I kept mistaking for Jennifer Lawrence, for example.  Maybe I’m losing my mind or I’m not keeping up with pop culture.  Oh well.

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Movie Review – A Star is Born (2018)

Fame can’t fix all your problems.

BQB here with a review of A Star is Born.

Every man dreams of having a trick to win a woman’s heart.  Maybe it’s a card trick or a magic trick or that special pickup line.  For troubled alcoholic rock star Jackson Mane (Bradley Cooper), a chance meeting leads to him dating aspiring singer Ally (Lady Gaga).  When he calls Ally on stage to achieve her dream of singing before a large audience, a star (wait for it) is born.

You’d think this would all lead to a great, happy life but alas, a lifetime of addiction has its claws sunk into Jackson.  While his help leads Ally to find super stardom in the pop world, he sees his own star start to dim.  Years of abusing his body with drugs and alcohol lead to hearing loss which spells trouble for his career.  Unable to think straight or even hold himself up, he becomes the joke of Tinsel Town, while Ally becomes the toast.

Will true love prevail or will jealousy and bitterness take control?  I won’t answer that and spoil the movie for you.

Overall, the film is boring and drones on.  There’s a lot of talking.  A lot.  It’s almost like a scripted documentary.  Cameos from comedians Andrew Dice Clay, Dave Chappelle and Eddie Griffin break up the monotony but ultimately you end up wanting to yell at the screen for this couple to either fix it or break up because holy crap, it’s getting late and the theater isn’t going to stay open all night.

Bradley Cooper does an impression of the surly voiced Sam Shepard, ironic since Sam plays Jackson’s brother/manager.  Gaga shines in her singing abilities but other than the part where a man builds her career, her character is basically a copy of herself.

Bonus points for a brief, very brief (don’t blink or you’ll miss it) gratuitous shot of Gaga’s boobs and vag.

STATUS: Shelf-worthy.  Boring.  Depressing.  It is emotional and does have some heart.  It wins as a warning about how one should never submit to addiction as it is nearly impossible to escape.  It also has a good message about how there are many people who can sing, dance, act or have some kind of talent but only the most talented performers find fame because they have something to say through their art that people want to hear.  Also, a message about how fame is fickle and how stars suffer when the public loses interest.

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It’s Nicolas Cage Day at BQB HQ!

Hey 3.5 readers.

Did you know that Nic Cage, despite coming off as kind of a loon today, was perhaps one of the most bankable action film stars of the 1990s?

Yes.  And as I do some house cleaning here at BQB HQ, I’m letting his hits run in the background.  First, The Rock, which is really a great movie and next Con Air which isn’t as good but is still pretty good.  Face/Off is also great but I actually watched that recently so I probably won’t watch it again anytime soon.

Those are his big three.  He did National Treasure in the 2000s but that’s more of like a family friendly Disney action film whereas his 1990s work is grittier.

You know what movie of his I never saw?  Leaving Las Vegas.  Not an action film but I might check it out sometime.

Anyway, I felt it important to advise you all of my Nic Cage watching activities.

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What If This is As Good As it Gets?

 

When I was in my late teens, “As Good as it Gets” with Jack Nicholson was a gangbuster comedy and a rare funny movie that got Oscar love.

The story follows a cranky old novelist Melvin who gets irate if every little thing in his life isn’t exactly perfect.  When his usual waitress (Helen Hunt) takes sick leave to care for her ill son, Melvin goes bonkers because no other waitress is able to handle all of his unusual little requests and quirks and demands.

He finds the waitress and hires a great doctor to cure the boy.  Waitress and Melvin become unlikely friends and they take Melvin’s neighbor (Greg Kinnear) on a road trip.  Greg is an artist who is attacked and robbed and he has to suck it up and ask his estranged parents who don’t approve of his gay lifestyle for a loan to keep him afloat as he has lost so much money due to the attack and medical bills etc.

At some point in the film, Melvin realizes he will never not be pissed off all the time.  Helen Hunt will always be an unappreciated single mom.  Greg will probably keep letting the wrong people into his life who do bad things to him (the robbery and attack were from a former boyfriend).

Melvin says, “What if this is as good as it gets?”

In other words, a point comes where we realize we have peaked and it is unlikely that life will ever get any better.  If anything, it’s just a steep decline until death from hereon out.

As I reach 40, I realize the time to get things done is when you are young.  Unfortunately, I spent my best years making a lot of dumb decisions and I thought my youth made me Superman, “Eh, I’ll fix my life tomorrow for I have plenty of time.  Today, I will eat cookies and play video games.”

It would have been nice to have gotten a sequel.  Maybe Jack and Helen get married and Jack becomes less dickish since he has love and Helen can breathe a little easier if Jack is helping with the kid.

Maybe Greg will find a love that won’t break into his house and beat him up and steal his stuff.

I don’t know.  But I’ll tell you I didn’t get that line when I was younger but now that I’m older, I understand it.  What if this is as good as it gets?

Sigh.

P.S. – One of my favorite quotes.  A female fan asks novelist Jack “How do you write women so well?” He responds, “I think of a man and then I take away reason and accountability.”

So much of this movie probably wouldn’t fly today even though the movie was fairly “woke” for its time.  Jack was a cranky prick who made fun of Greg for being gay but when the chips were down, he cared enough about his neighbor to lend a hand.  Jack’s obviously been jilted in the past so that he doesn’t have a lot of respect for women but Helen’s kindness helps him find it.  Actually, that’s another great line.  “You make me want to be a better man.”

Today, in a reboot everyone would have to be nice and get a long but maybe the point is we’ll all never see eye to eye since our experiences have been different but can we count on each other when the chips are down is the question.

OH, I SHOULD MAKE A POINT: The point is, I wish I had understood when I saw this movie in my late teens that life eventually does peak, so when I was young, I should have climbed a much higher mountain so I could have a much better view for a while in my 40s and possibly 50s before I start tumbling down the hill in my 60s (if I get that far, hopefully, knock on wood.)  So, if you’re a younger member of the 3.5 reader club, start climbing now, bitch.

 

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Why Didn’t Sears Become Amazon First? (Lack of Foresight and Applying This to You or How Sears Got Its Milkshake Drank)

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Sears got its milkshake drank.  Will yours be next?

Ahh, Sears.  Back in the day, no trip to the mall was complete without a trip to this anchor store and let me tell you, my Aunt Gertie used to get Sears catalogs in the mail all the time.

They were big ass tomes the size of 10 bibles that weighed at least 10 pounds and oh, as a kid I’d turn through the pages and dream.  I want that toy, I want that toy, and oh my, why do these bra models give me a tingly feeling?

Jeez.  I think I might have a few of those catalogs lying around.  I wonder if they’re worth anything.  I’d go fap to the bra models but I won’t out of respect, given that all those models are probably either dead or super old and in nursing homes now.  Sigh.  Oh time, you cruel bitch, you.

For the uninitiated, Mr. Sears, way back in the 1800s was the first businessman to realize that since there were parts of America that didn’t have any stores, he could make bank by sending out catalogs and taking orders for goods by mail.  As the years went on, Sears stores became the pinnacle of every mall and as credit cards came into style, they dominated the catalog sales market.  Shit, Aunt Gertie ordered all my clothes as a kid from Sears.  You think that was why I was so unpopular?  Oh well.  Water under the bridge.

So, I guess I don’t get it.  The Internet came into great popularity in the 1990s and Jeff Bezos, blessed be his most revered name (and I’m not just saying that because he has the power to snuff out my self-publishing dreams) saw the potential of the Internet to sell stuff.

Wal-Mart saw the potential too and though I don’t believe it has reached Amazon lengths, it does a brisk online sales business.

JC Penney, Sears’ longtime rival in the box store/catalog game has kept afloat by doing online sales as well.

So, to repeat, I don’t get it.  Sears basically invented the whole concept of taking pictures of products, organizing them into catalogs and giving them descriptions, product numbers, listing the prices, making it easy for people to call on the phone, read off the products they wanted to an operator who took their order, credit card number and address and they even mastered how to complete orders through the mail.

Why didn’t anyone at Sears have the vision, the foresight to say, “Hey, I think this Internet thing is here to stay and we should take our catalog…and hold on…think about it here…put it online!”

Now, I don’t know.  I believe they did.  To what extent I couldn’t tell you.  Perhaps it wasn’t so much the lack of putting it online so much as getting you anything you want the way Amazon can.  I mean, there are so many times when I think something like, “I would like a can of farts excreted by an East Peruvian Water Buffalo in July” and then go to Amazon and do a search and get, “Here are twenty choices for farts excreted by East Peruvian Water Buffalos in July.”

I don’t know.  I’m not sure what Sears’ downfall was.  Either they didn’t get into online sales early enough, or maybe they didn’t make online shopping as cool as Amazon did.  Maybe they didn’t think of nifty little ways to grab your cash the way Amazon does.  Shit, Amazon thinks of new ways to get your money all the time.  You can get a little button to stick in your kitchen and push it when you’re out of toilet paper, chips, insert household staple here and they will put it on your tab and send it to you.  You can get Alexa and say, “Hey Alexa order me a can of East Peruvian Water Buffalo Farts” and she’ll order it for you.  Maybe it was that.  Maybe Sears just didn’t think of enough ways to be cool.

I know Blockbuster could have gotten into the streaming game earlier and could still be around in an online form today.  Borders could have embraced e-books earlier and still be in the fight today.

So, let’s apply this to you (because I never apply good lessons to me, I just continue to do the same dumb things and let them blow up in my face over and over again and never learn anything like Wile E. Coyote.)

What is something that you could begin doing today that will be hard, will require hard work and sacrifice, will unlikely yield results in the short term, but in 5 years, you’ll be glad you did it?

I bet the people in charge of Sears wish that 5 years ago, they might have made their website cooler.  Maybe they might have gotten more exclusive product deals available only on their site.  Maybe they could have come up with a little robot that sits on your desk and speaks in a British accent, like your robot butler who says, “Pip, pip, cheerio, you want me to order you some more raisin bran, fuck face?”  I don’t know.  All I know is they didn’t do it, and now much like in that film, There Will Be Blood, Bezos is drinking Sears’ milkshake.  “I drink your milkshake!  I drink it up!!”

Back to the point.  Maybe you’re a fat fuck.  Maybe in five years you’d like to be a skinny fuck so you can run, jump, hop, skip, do fun activities and if you’re looking good you might just score yourself some bomb ass pussy (or ladies, you might acquire some bomb ass peen.)

Maybe you’re having financial woes.  Maybe if you start a plan of cutting spending and perhaps get a little side gig or a part time job, you’ll get those debts tackled in five years.

Shit.  Take some piano lessons today and maybe you’ll be tickling the ivories in a concert hall in five years.

Hell, I spent the last two years writing a book about an alligator that eats people on the toilet.   I hope to have it self-published next year.  When I’m swimming in mad cash and bomb ass pussy thanks to all the fame and fortune I get when this book about a toilet gator goes gangbusters, I’ll be glad I put the time in on this fine book.  I’ll be laughing at the other me in the alternate time line who will be a fucking loser because instead of writing a book about a toilet gator he did some weak ass shit like working extra hard on his cardio or volunteering to read to impoverished blind children or building hospitals in Ecuador or some shit.

Anyway, 3.5 readers.  The takeaway?  Right now, I know there is something you have wanted to happen for a long time.  You never did it, but you know in your heart if you put the work in, you’ll have it in five years.  Do you want to be like Sears?  Do you want to be the hollow shell, the desolate remains of a once thriving business that was the brain child of a wise 1800’s business tycoon?  Or, do you want to be like Supreme Overlord Bezos, violating the spent carcass of yet another fallen, wasted competitor over and over again?

If you don’t identify what you want and start acting on it today, then I guarantee you in five years, someone else will be getting it.  You’ll still be fat and some other skinny person will be partying with the bomb ass pussy or peen, whatever your preference.  Someone else will be playing the piano you were going to play.  Someone else will be enjoying a debt free life while you’ll be giving handjobs in bus station bathrooms just to pay off the minimum payment on your credit cards.  (You’ll be giving handjobs forever at that rate!)

The next five years will go by fast…in the blink of an eye.  You can drink some other schmuck’s milkshake, or you can get yours drunk up.  What’s it going to be?

(Note.  Let’s all return to this post in five years and trade notes on how this all worked out.)

ADDITIONAL NOTE: It dawns on me that not all 3.5 of you have seen There Will Be Blood and I don’t advise it, because once you see a man get beaten to death with a bowling pin by a man enjoying a brownie, you can’t unsee that shit.  Long story short, “I drink your milkshake!” comes from this scene where Daniel Day Lewis plays an oil baron who is bragging to a preacher about how he screwed him over in an oil deal.

So, to really motivate yourself, you need to a) picture what you want and then b) work on getting it for fear that in five years, if you don’t get what you want, Daniel Day Lewis will get what you wanted because he worked for it harder and he will ridicule you by laughing at you, telling you he got what you wanted because you’re a weak, pathetic loser and he was really strong and cunning and then he will beat the shit out of you with a bowling pin and eat a brownie.

If that doesn’t make you work hard on your goals then I don’t know what will.

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