Monthly Archives: October 2018

Movie Review – Bad Times at the El Royale

This movie may be about bad times but if you see it you’ll have a good time.  Zing! I’m so witty.

BQB here with a review of Bad Times at the El Royale.

3.5 readers, I’m just going to say it.  This is the best movie I’ve seen all year and frankly, one of the best new films I’ve seen in a long time.  I went into it thinking it would be decent but was blown away by its style and originality and I love it when I can give a glowing recommendation right off the bat.  Go see it.  Go see it now.

The El Royale is a hotel that straddles the California and Nevada state lines.  In the 1960s it was a hot spot for the rich and famous, though by the 1970s when this film takes place, it has been long forgotten.

A series of guests check in at the same time.  There’s the obnoxious traveling salesman (Jon Hamm doing his best Foghorn Leghorn impression); the lounge singer (Jennifer Hudson in the role she’s been waiting for); the Catholic priest (Jeff Bridges); and the rude hippy (Dakota Johnson).

If I were to tell you much more, I’d ruin it all for you.  Suffice to say, in each room, there’s a mystery underway.  Every guest has a troubled past and each mystery will come together in a big way.

There are times when it takes awhile for the story to build up, but the promises of big plot paydays are made and paid with interest if you hang on.

The Oscars have been under fire the past few years as being a stodgy institution that just pays attention to obscure art house flicks that no one watches.  This film would be the Academy’s chance to buck that trend.

While each character has their moment to shine, Bridges and J-Hud shine particularly bright.  Jeff Bridges turns in his best performance in over 20 years since the Big Lebowski.  What range.  Two decades ago he played a mellow dude who never let anything bother him and today he’s playing an aging holy man whose violent past has caught up with him.

Meanwhile, I’ve always admired J-Hud.  While most singers rely on skimpy outfits, gimmicks and scandals, Hudson has always let her pipes speak for themselves.  She turns in her performances in public and then her private life is her own and she doesn’t try to blend the two.  She’s had a number of parts in films over the years but this the most memorable since her turn as Effie in Dreamgirls launched her career.

I know it’s still early and most Oscar films don’t come out until the end of the year, but I hope the Academy will consider this film.  It is not a traditional Oscar flick by any means but the story grips you, the performances are great and Bridges and Hudson deserve gold statues.

Is J-Hud seeing anybody?  Feel free to move into BQB HQ anytime Miss Hudson.

STATUS:  Totes shelf-worthy.

EDIT: Hey, I don’t feel like rewriting this review but it was just brought to my attention by Twitter that J-Hud wasn’t even in this movie.  Cynthia Erivo plays the singer in this movie but hell, give her an Oscar because she’s also great. There are a lot of actors/actresses that look alike.  I know fairly recently there was an actress I kept mistaking for Jennifer Lawrence, for example.  Maybe I’m losing my mind or I’m not keeping up with pop culture.  Oh well.

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Movie Review – A Star is Born (2018)

Fame can’t fix all your problems.

BQB here with a review of A Star is Born.

Every man dreams of having a trick to win a woman’s heart.  Maybe it’s a card trick or a magic trick or that special pickup line.  For troubled alcoholic rock star Jackson Mane (Bradley Cooper), a chance meeting leads to him dating aspiring singer Ally (Lady Gaga).  When he calls Ally on stage to achieve her dream of singing before a large audience, a star (wait for it) is born.

You’d think this would all lead to a great, happy life but alas, a lifetime of addiction has its claws sunk into Jackson.  While his help leads Ally to find super stardom in the pop world, he sees his own star start to dim.  Years of abusing his body with drugs and alcohol lead to hearing loss which spells trouble for his career.  Unable to think straight or even hold himself up, he becomes the joke of Tinsel Town, while Ally becomes the toast.

Will true love prevail or will jealousy and bitterness take control?  I won’t answer that and spoil the movie for you.

Overall, the film is boring and drones on.  There’s a lot of talking.  A lot.  It’s almost like a scripted documentary.  Cameos from comedians Andrew Dice Clay, Dave Chappelle and Eddie Griffin break up the monotony but ultimately you end up wanting to yell at the screen for this couple to either fix it or break up because holy crap, it’s getting late and the theater isn’t going to stay open all night.

Bradley Cooper does an impression of the surly voiced Sam Shepard, ironic since Sam plays Jackson’s brother/manager.  Gaga shines in her singing abilities but other than the part where a man builds her career, her character is basically a copy of herself.

Bonus points for a brief, very brief (don’t blink or you’ll miss it) gratuitous shot of Gaga’s boobs and vag.

STATUS: Shelf-worthy.  Boring.  Depressing.  It is emotional and does have some heart.  It wins as a warning about how one should never submit to addiction as it is nearly impossible to escape.  It also has a good message about how there are many people who can sing, dance, act or have some kind of talent but only the most talented performers find fame because they have something to say through their art that people want to hear.  Also, a message about how fame is fickle and how stars suffer when the public loses interest.

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It’s Nicolas Cage Day at BQB HQ!

Hey 3.5 readers.

Did you know that Nic Cage, despite coming off as kind of a loon today, was perhaps one of the most bankable action film stars of the 1990s?

Yes.  And as I do some house cleaning here at BQB HQ, I’m letting his hits run in the background.  First, The Rock, which is really a great movie and next Con Air which isn’t as good but is still pretty good.  Face/Off is also great but I actually watched that recently so I probably won’t watch it again anytime soon.

Those are his big three.  He did National Treasure in the 2000s but that’s more of like a family friendly Disney action film whereas his 1990s work is grittier.

You know what movie of his I never saw?  Leaving Las Vegas.  Not an action film but I might check it out sometime.

Anyway, I felt it important to advise you all of my Nic Cage watching activities.

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What If This is As Good As it Gets?

 

When I was in my late teens, “As Good as it Gets” with Jack Nicholson was a gangbuster comedy and a rare funny movie that got Oscar love.

The story follows a cranky old novelist Melvin who gets irate if every little thing in his life isn’t exactly perfect.  When his usual waitress (Helen Hunt) takes sick leave to care for her ill son, Melvin goes bonkers because no other waitress is able to handle all of his unusual little requests and quirks and demands.

He finds the waitress and hires a great doctor to cure the boy.  Waitress and Melvin become unlikely friends and they take Melvin’s neighbor (Greg Kinnear) on a road trip.  Greg is an artist who is attacked and robbed and he has to suck it up and ask his estranged parents who don’t approve of his gay lifestyle for a loan to keep him afloat as he has lost so much money due to the attack and medical bills etc.

At some point in the film, Melvin realizes he will never not be pissed off all the time.  Helen Hunt will always be an unappreciated single mom.  Greg will probably keep letting the wrong people into his life who do bad things to him (the robbery and attack were from a former boyfriend).

Melvin says, “What if this is as good as it gets?”

In other words, a point comes where we realize we have peaked and it is unlikely that life will ever get any better.  If anything, it’s just a steep decline until death from hereon out.

As I reach 40, I realize the time to get things done is when you are young.  Unfortunately, I spent my best years making a lot of dumb decisions and I thought my youth made me Superman, “Eh, I’ll fix my life tomorrow for I have plenty of time.  Today, I will eat cookies and play video games.”

It would have been nice to have gotten a sequel.  Maybe Jack and Helen get married and Jack becomes less dickish since he has love and Helen can breathe a little easier if Jack is helping with the kid.

Maybe Greg will find a love that won’t break into his house and beat him up and steal his stuff.

I don’t know.  But I’ll tell you I didn’t get that line when I was younger but now that I’m older, I understand it.  What if this is as good as it gets?

Sigh.

P.S. – One of my favorite quotes.  A female fan asks novelist Jack “How do you write women so well?” He responds, “I think of a man and then I take away reason and accountability.”

So much of this movie probably wouldn’t fly today even though the movie was fairly “woke” for its time.  Jack was a cranky prick who made fun of Greg for being gay but when the chips were down, he cared enough about his neighbor to lend a hand.  Jack’s obviously been jilted in the past so that he doesn’t have a lot of respect for women but Helen’s kindness helps him find it.  Actually, that’s another great line.  “You make me want to be a better man.”

Today, in a reboot everyone would have to be nice and get a long but maybe the point is we’ll all never see eye to eye since our experiences have been different but can we count on each other when the chips are down is the question.

OH, I SHOULD MAKE A POINT: The point is, I wish I had understood when I saw this movie in my late teens that life eventually does peak, so when I was young, I should have climbed a much higher mountain so I could have a much better view for a while in my 40s and possibly 50s before I start tumbling down the hill in my 60s (if I get that far, hopefully, knock on wood.)  So, if you’re a younger member of the 3.5 reader club, start climbing now, bitch.

 

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Why Didn’t Sears Become Amazon First? (Lack of Foresight and Applying This to You or How Sears Got Its Milkshake Drank)

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Sears got its milkshake drank.  Will yours be next?

Ahh, Sears.  Back in the day, no trip to the mall was complete without a trip to this anchor store and let me tell you, my Aunt Gertie used to get Sears catalogs in the mail all the time.

They were big ass tomes the size of 10 bibles that weighed at least 10 pounds and oh, as a kid I’d turn through the pages and dream.  I want that toy, I want that toy, and oh my, why do these bra models give me a tingly feeling?

Jeez.  I think I might have a few of those catalogs lying around.  I wonder if they’re worth anything.  I’d go fap to the bra models but I won’t out of respect, given that all those models are probably either dead or super old and in nursing homes now.  Sigh.  Oh time, you cruel bitch, you.

For the uninitiated, Mr. Sears, way back in the 1800s was the first businessman to realize that since there were parts of America that didn’t have any stores, he could make bank by sending out catalogs and taking orders for goods by mail.  As the years went on, Sears stores became the pinnacle of every mall and as credit cards came into style, they dominated the catalog sales market.  Shit, Aunt Gertie ordered all my clothes as a kid from Sears.  You think that was why I was so unpopular?  Oh well.  Water under the bridge.

So, I guess I don’t get it.  The Internet came into great popularity in the 1990s and Jeff Bezos, blessed be his most revered name (and I’m not just saying that because he has the power to snuff out my self-publishing dreams) saw the potential of the Internet to sell stuff.

Wal-Mart saw the potential too and though I don’t believe it has reached Amazon lengths, it does a brisk online sales business.

JC Penney, Sears’ longtime rival in the box store/catalog game has kept afloat by doing online sales as well.

So, to repeat, I don’t get it.  Sears basically invented the whole concept of taking pictures of products, organizing them into catalogs and giving them descriptions, product numbers, listing the prices, making it easy for people to call on the phone, read off the products they wanted to an operator who took their order, credit card number and address and they even mastered how to complete orders through the mail.

Why didn’t anyone at Sears have the vision, the foresight to say, “Hey, I think this Internet thing is here to stay and we should take our catalog…and hold on…think about it here…put it online!”

Now, I don’t know.  I believe they did.  To what extent I couldn’t tell you.  Perhaps it wasn’t so much the lack of putting it online so much as getting you anything you want the way Amazon can.  I mean, there are so many times when I think something like, “I would like a can of farts excreted by an East Peruvian Water Buffalo in July” and then go to Amazon and do a search and get, “Here are twenty choices for farts excreted by East Peruvian Water Buffalos in July.”

I don’t know.  I’m not sure what Sears’ downfall was.  Either they didn’t get into online sales early enough, or maybe they didn’t make online shopping as cool as Amazon did.  Maybe they didn’t think of nifty little ways to grab your cash the way Amazon does.  Shit, Amazon thinks of new ways to get your money all the time.  You can get a little button to stick in your kitchen and push it when you’re out of toilet paper, chips, insert household staple here and they will put it on your tab and send it to you.  You can get Alexa and say, “Hey Alexa order me a can of East Peruvian Water Buffalo Farts” and she’ll order it for you.  Maybe it was that.  Maybe Sears just didn’t think of enough ways to be cool.

I know Blockbuster could have gotten into the streaming game earlier and could still be around in an online form today.  Borders could have embraced e-books earlier and still be in the fight today.

So, let’s apply this to you (because I never apply good lessons to me, I just continue to do the same dumb things and let them blow up in my face over and over again and never learn anything like Wile E. Coyote.)

What is something that you could begin doing today that will be hard, will require hard work and sacrifice, will unlikely yield results in the short term, but in 5 years, you’ll be glad you did it?

I bet the people in charge of Sears wish that 5 years ago, they might have made their website cooler.  Maybe they might have gotten more exclusive product deals available only on their site.  Maybe they could have come up with a little robot that sits on your desk and speaks in a British accent, like your robot butler who says, “Pip, pip, cheerio, you want me to order you some more raisin bran, fuck face?”  I don’t know.  All I know is they didn’t do it, and now much like in that film, There Will Be Blood, Bezos is drinking Sears’ milkshake.  “I drink your milkshake!  I drink it up!!”

Back to the point.  Maybe you’re a fat fuck.  Maybe in five years you’d like to be a skinny fuck so you can run, jump, hop, skip, do fun activities and if you’re looking good you might just score yourself some bomb ass pussy (or ladies, you might acquire some bomb ass peen.)

Maybe you’re having financial woes.  Maybe if you start a plan of cutting spending and perhaps get a little side gig or a part time job, you’ll get those debts tackled in five years.

Shit.  Take some piano lessons today and maybe you’ll be tickling the ivories in a concert hall in five years.

Hell, I spent the last two years writing a book about an alligator that eats people on the toilet.   I hope to have it self-published next year.  When I’m swimming in mad cash and bomb ass pussy thanks to all the fame and fortune I get when this book about a toilet gator goes gangbusters, I’ll be glad I put the time in on this fine book.  I’ll be laughing at the other me in the alternate time line who will be a fucking loser because instead of writing a book about a toilet gator he did some weak ass shit like working extra hard on his cardio or volunteering to read to impoverished blind children or building hospitals in Ecuador or some shit.

Anyway, 3.5 readers.  The takeaway?  Right now, I know there is something you have wanted to happen for a long time.  You never did it, but you know in your heart if you put the work in, you’ll have it in five years.  Do you want to be like Sears?  Do you want to be the hollow shell, the desolate remains of a once thriving business that was the brain child of a wise 1800’s business tycoon?  Or, do you want to be like Supreme Overlord Bezos, violating the spent carcass of yet another fallen, wasted competitor over and over again?

If you don’t identify what you want and start acting on it today, then I guarantee you in five years, someone else will be getting it.  You’ll still be fat and some other skinny person will be partying with the bomb ass pussy or peen, whatever your preference.  Someone else will be playing the piano you were going to play.  Someone else will be enjoying a debt free life while you’ll be giving handjobs in bus station bathrooms just to pay off the minimum payment on your credit cards.  (You’ll be giving handjobs forever at that rate!)

The next five years will go by fast…in the blink of an eye.  You can drink some other schmuck’s milkshake, or you can get yours drunk up.  What’s it going to be?

(Note.  Let’s all return to this post in five years and trade notes on how this all worked out.)

ADDITIONAL NOTE: It dawns on me that not all 3.5 of you have seen There Will Be Blood and I don’t advise it, because once you see a man get beaten to death with a bowling pin by a man enjoying a brownie, you can’t unsee that shit.  Long story short, “I drink your milkshake!” comes from this scene where Daniel Day Lewis plays an oil baron who is bragging to a preacher about how he screwed him over in an oil deal.

So, to really motivate yourself, you need to a) picture what you want and then b) work on getting it for fear that in five years, if you don’t get what you want, Daniel Day Lewis will get what you wanted because he worked for it harder and he will ridicule you by laughing at you, telling you he got what you wanted because you’re a weak, pathetic loser and he was really strong and cunning and then he will beat the shit out of you with a bowling pin and eat a brownie.

If that doesn’t make you work hard on your goals then I don’t know what will.

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TV Review – The Conners (2018)

 

Roseanne epically shot herself in the foot.  There’s no doubt about it.  She had a major comeback only to throw it all away by making a stupid racist comment.

So I get why they cancelled her show…but I think it was stupid to bring it back without her.

Roseanne was that show and even without her, she’s still there.  All the characters do now is talk about her.  Who needs to watch a sad show that’s supposed to be a comedy even though the family is grieving about their dead mother?

I think they could have come up with something funnier.  Roseanne loses her mind and goes on a wild, cross-country crime spree.  Maybe Roseanne gets kicked out of Lanford for being a racist.  Maybe she posts a racist tweet.  Maybe offends the entire town for being racist and her family has to put up with her hiding in the basement from everyone who wants to rip her a new one.  Once in awhile, the family tosses some food down the basement and someone doing a Roseanne impression cackles.

I just think that she’s dead is so dark for a comedy.  I get that ABC and all the actors were riding on this comeback and Roseanne screwed it up so they should at least get another season but man, I don’t know…I just think they could have thought of a funnier explanation as to why Roseanne isn’t around anymore.

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Please Don’t Buy Assemble Yourself Furniture Ever Again

Hey 3.5 readers.

BQB here.

Please don’t buy furniture you have to assemble yourself.  Don’t do it.  Ever.  Never, ever, ever.  Just don’t do it.

Earlier this year I regaled you with how I ate $100 because I bought a desk that was missing parts and so infuriated was I that I just needed to get the thing into a dumpster and curl up in the fetal position and take deep breathes for 17 hours.

Maybe it wasn’t that bad, but still.

I told myself then I would never buy assemble yourself furniture ever again.

Then I did it again.  I bought a cabinet.  I liked the style and color and felt it would be a good fit for the space I wanted to put it in.

About an hour and a half into putting this thing together, I realize the entire back of the cabinet was not included.

Think that matters? Nope.  Because the pre-drilled holes the instructions say should be drilled already so I can screw the back (that isn’t there) also isn’t there.

So I throw a temper tantrum.  I curse like a sailor.  Worse than a sailor. I was very creative.

I examine this thing like the Zapruder film.  Maybe I’m missing something?  Am I looking at it wrong?  Maybe if I look at it in different ways, maybe I put it together upside down and I’ll find out I really should have done X, Y, Z and nope.  Nothing.  I was screwed.

I call customer service.  The lady says I can bring it back to the store for a refund or if I’d rather, they’d send me the replacement parts.

I think about it.  Well, I really do like the photos of the cabinet.  I really think it would look nice.  But then I ask myself, “Do I have faith that they won’t screw me again?”

Suddenly, I imagine the next 4 weeks of my life:

ME ON THE PHONE: Hey, you sent me a cabinet without the right parts.  I need a back and I need the sides with screw holes already screwed in.  I should drill them myself?  Fuck you, I’m not a carpenter.  Do I look like Bob Villa?  If I knew how to drill holes and shit I’d just buy some wood and make a cabinet myself.  Maybe that’s why Jesus was the savior because he was a carpenter and carpentry requires patience.  Anyway, send the right parts please.

ME ON THE PHONE A WEEK LATER:  Hi, I asked you to send me a back and  the side with screw holes but there must have been a mix-up because you sent me a basket of stale croutons and a framed photo of 1980s teen heart throb Corey Haim.  Can you send me a back and sides with drilled screw holes?

ME ON THE PHONE TWO WEEKS LATER:  Hi, me again.  Yeah, I asked for a back and sides with holes and you sent me a Corey Haim photo and a basket of croutons so I called you and asked you to send the right parts but instead you sent me a SpongeBob SquarePants DVD and a butter sculpture of Mike Tyson.  Why are we not understanding each other?  OK, you’ll send the right parts?  Good.

ME ON THE PHONE THREE WEEKS LATER:  Hi.  So, I got the Corey Haim photo, the croutons, the SpongeBob DVD, and the butter boxer but what I need is a back and sides with pre-drilled screw holes.  Yes.  Please.  This half put together cabinet has been in my living room forever now.  A family of raccoons just built a home in it.  OK, so this time you swear you’ll send me the correct and accurate parts.

ME ON THE PHONE FOUR WEEKS LATER: Hi.  I was just wondering why is it when I said “Send me a back and sides with screw holes” you apparently heard “a rubber clown nose” and two cancelled ticket stubs to a Menudo concert.  No.  No, I don’t want you to try again.  I give up.  I will enjoy lighting this half-put together cabinet on fire and what?  No, I will not pay for the expense of shipping you back the Corey Haim photo, the croutons, the…

So I told her I’d just bring it in and return it.  And, from this day forward, I will never buy anything that requires self-assembly.

First, I’m not a cobbler.  Doctors don’t send me do it yourself surgery kits so why the eff are furniture companies sending me do it yourself cabinet kits?

Second, there is apparently no pride in workmanship.  There’s no one in the factory who gives a shit if I get a cabinet that works. The pieces are complicated that the workers can just throw a bunch of shit in the box and no one finds out until dumbass me opens it up.

Maybe I don’t even blame them.  I can only assume the parts are made by little orphan Chinese kids who are grabbed up and forced into a childhood of slave labor for a nickel a day and the foreman is probably beating a drum and whipping them and telling them he’ll burn down their villages if they don’t pack X amount of boxes per day so I guess if that is the case (probably isn’t) then I guess I don’t blame those little Chinese kids for forgetting to drill my screw holes and for forgetting to add my back.

OK.  Enough ranting.  I have lost faith in the world.  Do you want to lose your faith in humanity too?  Then go on and buy assemble yourself furniture.

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Daily Discussion with BQB – Young Man vs. Old Man (on Pete Davidson and Ariana Grande)

IF I HAD HEARD ABOUT PETE DAVIDSON AND ARIANA GRANDE WHEN I WAS 20:

“Aw, awesome, Pete! Ariana is so hot man, and she’s famous and rich and whoa man that’s so cool, dawg, good for you, bro.  Man, you’re gonna be chillin in the best hotels, riding in the fanciest cars, doing all kinds of stuff, your life is gonna be awesome, bro.

BUT I HEARD ABOUT PETE DAVIDSON AND ARIANA GRANDE AS I APPROACH 40:

“Jesus Christ, Pete.  Are you sure about this?  God, she seems like she’s going to be a lot of work.  Yeah, no, I know she’s hot and rich and famous but holy shit, the amount of work you’re going to have to do to keep her happy and then there’s no telling if even then she’ll be happy.  Dude, she’s rich.  Famous.  Hot.  She has so many options dude and you know there’s going to be like 10,000 other dudes sniffing around that and she’s going to be all like, ‘Don’t be so possessive, they’re just my friends’ even though you know they’re all going to wanting to be hitting that and you totally know if you ever even look at another chick she’s going to be all up in your grill.  I don’t know, dawg.  It just seems like a lot of work to me.  You’ve got to me on your A game forever.  Forever, dawg.  Seriously, have you considered as less hot chick?  You know I saw this chubby girl with a lazy eye at the Burger King who would totally rock your world, bro and her last boyfriend was a meth head so like, SNL cast member is totally a step up for her, bro.  She’d be totes grateful.”

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Top Ten Halloween Candies (Best and Worst)

Hey 3.5 readers. BQB here. Check out my list of top Halloween candies and let me know if I missed your favorite.

Bookshelf Battle

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Hey kids, avoid strangers all year along.

Except on October 31.

Then put on a dumb costume and knock on strangers’ doors and demand free foodstuffs.

Who the hell invented this dumb holiday?

Oh wait. I forgot.

We here at BQB HQ love Halloween.

So without further ado, the Top Ten Halloween Candies

#10 – Candy Corn (Best)

An old staple.  Sweet.  Delicious.

Do you like the chocolate candy corn?  You know the ones where the bottom stripe is chocolate?

Eh, I do like chocolate but I prefer my candy corn to have the white stripes at the bottom.

I don’t know why.  I’ve done a lot of thought on this though and that white stripe tastes better than the chocolate strip.

The white strip basically tastes like the candy corn flavor and I can only get that candy corn flavor at Halloween time, whereas I can get chocolate all…

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Cultural Appropriation and Halloween Costumes – A List of What Costumes Your Kid Should Not Wear

Hey 3.5 readers.

It’s Halloween time and you know what that means.

It’s time to figure out if your costume is culturally appropriate. Consult this list to make sure you won’t be offending anyone on All Hallow’s Eve. (Note, you probably will be.)

Bookshelf Battle

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Yup.  It’s Halloween so we know what that means.  Crazy SJWs are flipping their shit over the fact that someone, somewhere in the world might wear a costume for one night for a few hours that might offend somebody, somewhere.

Redbook published this article, breathlessly warning of the dangers of the epic sadness and woe that could spread across the globe if parents allow white daughters to dress like Polynesian princess Moana this Halloween.

First, the article is an example of what is wrong with journalism i.e. the drumming up of a faux controversy.  I mean, it makes it out as if there are a legion of little girls dressing up like Polynesian princesses and an equally large legion of Polynesian girls who are beside themselves with misery and woe over this.  I mean, maybe, just maybe there’s one Halloween party somewhere where this could happen, but is it…

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