Tag Archives: zombies

The Walking Dead Recap – Season 7, Episode 15

Hey 3.5 readers.

BQB with a Walking Dead recap, so if you haven’t seen it…SPOILER ALERT!

So, I inadvertently broke the Internet with this tweet:

70 retweets and 266 likes as of this writing.  Holy crap, that’s a record for me.  (Still counting too as of last refresh).

That was in response to the trap Sasha laid out for Eugene, by the way.

By the way, does anyone else think that it was a dick move for Rick to hijack all those nice Oceanside ladies?

Was it a dick move for that girl to punch her granny in the face?

Anyway, if you want more gems like this one in your Twitter feed, be sure to follow me @bookshelfbattle

 

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Zom Fu = #677 in Wattpad Horror

Hey 3.5 readers.

Your old pal BQB here.

Check it out.  Zom Fu is #677 in Wattpad Horror:

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If you’re a Wattpadder, maybe consider giving it a vote, or a comment, or some feedback on how I can make it better.  I mean, it’s a tale that involves kung fu AND zombies, so it is already pretty awesome, but if you have suggestions I am all ears.

Thank you 3.5.

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Zom Fu – Chapter 51

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Bingwen, the Palace Guards, Lickspittle, and a contingent of brain bite clan members stood in the Emperor’s bedroom, staring at Rage Dog, who was still pinned to the wall.

“Free me, dullards,” Rage Dog said.

Lickspittle walked up to the captive. “The master will surely punish you when he sees how you have failed him. Dragonhand is not one to…”

Dragonhand’s voice bellowed through the room. “What is the meaning of this?”

“Rage Dog has failed you, master!” the toady said. “He is incompetent and unworthy and…”

“Bahhh!” Dragonhand punched his fist into the wall, leaving a deep hole. He then drew General Tsang’s sword out of Rage Dog’s gut and lopped off Lickspittle’s head with it.

“No, master!” Lickspittle’s head cried as it bounced across the floor. “Don’t forsake me! Rage Dog was the one who…”

Crunch! Lickspittle’s cranium collapsed under the wait of Dragonhand’s foot.

“I can’t stand whiners,” Dragonhand said.

Rage Dog looked up, only to find himself staring at General Tsang’s sword.

“Will you fail me again?” Dragonhand asked.

Rage Dog trembled. “No…no, master.”

Dragonhand handed General Tsang’s sword to Rage Dog. “See that you don’t. If you do, kill yourself and save me the trouble.”

The fiend looked to Bingwen. “Go with him.”

“Yes, sir,” Bingwen said.

Rage Dog and his new minions dispersed. Dragonhand made his way back to the throne room. There, he found the Staff of Ages, which he had left propped up against the Dragon Throne.

The fiend took the seat he’d so longed for, then raised the staff high in the air. The ruby glowed bright purple.

“If no one will bring the Emperor to me, then I will kill every last man, woman and child in China and sort through the bodies myself until his brain is mine.”

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Part 7 – Siege of the Forbidden City

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Dragonhand and the Clan of the Terrifyingly Unnatural Brain Bite lay siege to the Forbidden City.

General Tsang saves the Emperor in the nick of time.

Junjie, Niu, the Infallible Master and the Clan of the Mediocre Yet Effective Club Bonk arrive to beat back the zombie hordes.

Chapter 41          Chapter 42         Chapter 43

Chapter 44         Chapter 45         Chapter 46

Chapter 47         Chapter 48         Chapter 49

Chapter 50

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The Walking Dead Recap – Season 7, Episode 14 – “The Other Side”

SPOILERS!

You know 3.5 readers, The Walking Dead Makes me sad, not due to the post-apocalyptic landscape, but rather, because there are all these women who have men that have died and they are obsessed with avenging them.

Do you think Video Game Rack Fighter would avenge me if I were to be vanquished by a super villain?  Doubtful.  She’d shrug her shoulders, go, “Meh,” then return to playing another game of Car Thief Mayhem.

In this episode, the two women that the late Abraham was boinking (behind each others’ backs) team up to avenge their man’s death.  This makes me jealous of Abraham, not because he’s dead (that’s nothing to be jealous of) but because the two women loved him so much that they are willing to put the anger they have at each other over banging the man they thought was theirs in order to avenge him.

I don’t have a woman willing to avenge me.  Hell, I don’t even have a woman willing to make me a sandwich.

Sasha and Rosita are a formidable team.  Call them “Abe’s Babes.”  What say you, 3.5 readers?

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Zom Fu – Chapter 50

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All but one of Rage Dog’s underlings had perished, their skulls cracked and brains demolished under the weight of General Tsang’s sword. The last undead creature was on the floor, feasting on Nianzu’s entrails. The general’s cousin, as well as Weiyuan and Tengfei, were no more.

Woosh! The general cut a wide swath through the air as Rage Dog. The undead fighter then countered with a barrage of punches to the general’s midsection.

“Who do you think you are, that you would undermine he who carries the Mandate of Heaven?” General Tsang asked as he brought the hilt of his sword down, clonking Rage Dog on the top of the head.

Rage Dog backed up, then through himself through the air with a somersault before connecting his foot with the general’s face.

“I carry the mandate of Dragonhand,” Rage Dog said upon landing on his feet. “His will is all that matters and he will have the Emperor’s brain.”

General Tsang plunged his sword into Rage Dog’s gut. The undead warrior made an annoyed face at the general, shook his head in a disapproving manner, then stepped back, relieving his stomach of the blade as he did so.

Rage Dog turned his right hand into a tiger claw, a move that caught the general’s attention.

“You are a student of the Infallible Master?” General Tsang asked.

“Ha,” Rage Dog scoffed. “He is far from infallible.”

General Tsang charged at Rage Dog but was sidestepped and was instantly punished with a kick to his back.

“That is true,” General Tsang said. “He apparently failed you.”

The general searched Rage Dog’s blank eyes for a reaction. Seeing none, he continued. “Even so, he is the best man I know.”

“Then your social circle is very limited,” Rage Dog retorted.

The opponents paced back and forth, staring one another down.

“The Infallible Master is gracious and forgiving,” General Tsang. “He is a master of magics I could not begin to comprehend. Perhaps he could be convinced to take pity on you and help you with your condition.”

Rage Dog cocked his head to one side in the manner of an actual dog who is having difficulty understanding a statement. “No thank you. I no longer serve those who do not recognize my talent.”

“Ah,” General Tsang said. “And Dragonhand does I suppose?”

“He is very wise,” Rage Dog said.

“He is a fool,” General Tsang said. “And he has played you for a fool.”

The pair paced some more.

“It doesn’t seem as though we will settle this score with words,” General Tsang said.

“Apparently not,” Rage Dog said.

A few moments passed before Rage Dog made the next move. He launched himself toward the general with his tiger clawed hand pointed straight out. The general lopped it off with a quick slice, then rammed his sword through Rage Dog’s gut once more. This time, General Tsang rushed towards the wall and pinned his opponent against it.

Rage Dog looked down at the sword that was buried inside of him, holding him against the wall. He grabbed the hilt and attempted to extricate himself, but the general had plunged the blade in too hard and deep.

General Tsang took a moment to catch his breath. He pulled back a few strands of hair that had fallen into his eyes, then removed the dagger from his belt. He stuck it into the brain of the beast that had been feeding on his cousin. The creature fell to the side, making way for the general to close his cousin’s eyelids with his hand.

“It pains me to do this to one of the Infallible Master’s disciples,” General Tsang said as he stepped over to Rage Dog with dagger in hand. “But I’m afraid you leave me no choice.”

The general reached back and was about to pierce Rage Dog’s brain when he noticed his adversary’s eyes were locked on something. It appeared as though Rage Dog was almost in a trance. Confused, the general followed the undead warrior’s gaze until he too saw what his opponent had been staring at – the Emperor. The little boy had emerged from his hiding place. He stood amidst the carnage, trembling.

General Tsang sighed. He returned his dagger to his belt, then put his hand on the hilt of his sword, making sure it was buried as far into the wall as it would go.

“Come now, Your Majesty,” the general said as he scooped the boy up in his arms. “Close your eyes, for you are much to little too witness such sights.”

The general exited the room with his charge in hand. Rage Dog looked down at the sword in his gut. He put both hands on it and gritted his teeth as he pulled with all of his might. The blade would not budge.

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Zom Fu – Chapter 49

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The remaining members of the Clan of the Sacred Yet Inscrutable Tiger Claw, accompanied by their new friends in the Clan of the Mediocre Yet Effective Club Bonk, approached outer wall of the forbidden city. Motionless bodies, both human and zombie, littered the ground.

“We are too late,” a dejected Junjie said.

“I just hope all the good stuff hasn’t been pinched yet,” the Whirlwind said. When Niu threw his student icy glare, the Whirlwind added, “Oh and the Emperor. I am powerfully worried about his safety and well-being, that’s for sure.”

“We should have come sooner,” Junjie said.

“Then you would have died sooner,” the Master replied.

The gate had been smashed into rubble. Niu stepped over the pieces and into the city, where he saw countless throngs of undead warriors feasting on human remains.

“Brothers,” Niu said. “It seems that fate has not spared us a fight.”

A member of the Clan of the Terrifyingly Unnatural Brain Bite looked up from a femur bone he was chewing on and snarled at Niu. “Ergh!”

The Whirlwind pulled out his club and joined Niu. “Perhaps you’ll change your mind about club fu when you see it in action.”

“That will never happen,” Niu replied. “Let it go.”

Junjie set his hands ablaze. One by one, the beasts stood up. They marched slowly towards the intruders.

“At least a hundred,” Junjie said.

“There’s more than that,” Niu said.

“No,” Junjie said with a grin. “I’m going to take out at least a hundred all by myself. How many will you get, brother?”

The master shook his head. “It is good to see your confidence is growing, my son, but don’t get cocky.”

Junjie tossed a barrage of fireballs at his incoming foes.

“Showoff,” the master said.

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Zom Fu – Chapter 48

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The gates gave way and the Tsang’s soldiers were overrun. The Forbidden City became a whirlwind of bloodlust. The Clan of the Terrifyingly Unnatural Brain Bite reveled in ripping off the soldiers’ limbs and heads and of course, they gorged themselves on brains. Nourishment coursed through their veins as knowledge entered their brains.

Dragonhand entered the city, thrilled at what he’d accomplished after decades of preparation. The kung fu clans were destroyed. Now the Imperial Army was in ruin. The Imperial Guard would soon be next.

A desperate soldier flailed at the fiend with a battle axe. Dragonhand backhanded the soldier and sent him flying. More tried to take the brain bite clan master down. Arrows pierced Dragonhand’s flesh. Knives and swords were plunged into his body. None of it mattered. Dragonhand kept marching toward the Imperial Palace with great ease. Nothing was going to get in his way now.

Lickspittle caught up with his master. “Your victory is magnificent, oh great conquering one!”

“Here, toady,” Dragonhand said as he tossed his sidekick a brain he’d ripped out of a soldier’s head. “Don’t say I never gave you anything.”

“Oh!” Lickspittle proudly declared as he munched on the brain. “Thank you, oh generous one! I shall eat this in celebration of your triumph.”

Chaos ensued as Dragonhand’s minions and the few remaining soldiers clashed. Around a hundred zombified warriors joined their master. When they reached the palace, they were met by Bingwen, second-in-command of the Imperial Guard. He raised his hand and his guards pointed their spears at the undead rabble.

“Move or be moved,” Dragonhand said. “Be useful or be eaten. Join me or feed me. Make a choice and choose wisely but most importantly, choose wisely, for I am impatient and peckish.”

“Dragonhand,” Bingwen said. “I have received word from my superior, the honorable Captain Yuen, that he will agree to meet with you and you alone to negotiate terms of surrender.”

“Bring me the Emperor so I can eat his brain and maybe I’ll think about letting all of you keep yours,” Dragonhand said.

Bingwen gulped. “I am sorry, sir, but those are the terms set out by my commanding officer.”

Dragonhand sighed. “Thoughts, Lickspittle?”

The lackey’s eyes grew wide. “You seek my counsel, oh wondrous one?”

“Don’t let it go to your head, insect,” Dragonhand said. “You’re the closest thing I have to a second. Say something intelligent and surprise me.”

Lickspittle looked the guards over. “The Captain may be a coward willing to sell out the Emperor.”

The toady studied Bingwen’s face. “Then again, this could be a ploy to get you alone and overpower you.”

Dragonhand sneered at his subordinate. Lickspittle instinctively covered his face, then upon realizing he was not about to be struck, removed his arms and added, “As if anyone could overpower you, master. These pitiful humans would be fools to try.”

Bingwen coughed into his fist, then whispered something unintelligible. “Erza fistun.”

“What?” Dragonhand asked.

“Ahem,” Bingwen said before lowering his voice to a whisper and leaning into Dragonhand’s rotten ear. “It’s the first one. The Captain is womanly in his cowardice. I just can’t say this out loud in front of the men. Please come with me.”

Dragonhand grunted in disapproval. “Ergh.”

The fiend pushed Bingwen aside, then motioned for his horde to follow.

“But sir!” Bingwen said. “The captain specifically requested to speak to you alone.”

“You are all my dogs now,” Dragonhand said as he stepped into the palace. “I give the orders. You obey and do as you are told.”

Zombies and guards marched into the throne room as though they were equals.

“This is utterly disappointing, Lickspittle,” Dragonhand said.

“Why is that, oh frowny faced one?” Lickspittle asked. “This is a victory without a fight.”

“Yes,” Dragonhand said. “But I have dreamed so long about tearing apart the palace guard on my way to clawing out the Emperor’s brain that for them to just lay down and…what is this?”

Dragonhand stared at the dead body sitting on the dragon throne.

“Captain!” Bingwen said.

“Is this a trick?” Dragonhand asked.

“No,” Bingwen said as he shook his head back and forth.

“Search the palace!” Dragonhand shouted. “Bring me the Emperor! I want him alive.”

Zombies and guards obeyed and hurried off in all different directions. Lickspittle remained.

Dragonhand grabbed Yuen’s carcass and tossed it to the floor like so much trash.

“My throne has been soiled, Lickspittle,” Dragonhand said as he took a seat.

“And yet you look so regal sitting there,” Lickspittle said.

“Don’t ruin the moment,” Dragonhand said.

“But master,” Lickspittle said. “Surely, you…”

Dragonhand raised a pointer finger. “Shh. Stifle your mouth and allow me to enjoy this moment in peace.”

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Zom Fu – Chapter 47

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Nianzu was weary. The negotiations tired him. He leaned against the door to the little boy’s room.

“Your Majesty,” Nianzu said. “Please. I beg of you. Open the door for your most humble servant.”

A few moments passed before the boy threw his ball at the door, making a tiny thud. “Ball!”

“This is of no use,” Nianzu said.

Nianzu slumped down on the floor next to Weiyuan and Tengfei.

“Do you two have any bright ideas?” Nianzu asked.

“Nope,” Weiyuan replied.

“Not a one,” Tengfei said.

Nianzu sighed. “Bested by a toddler.”

“Don’t feel bad,” Weiyuan said. “He’s not just any toddler.”

“He’s a toddler with the mandate of heaven,” Tengfei added.

“He doesn’t know the mandate of heaven from his elbow,” Nianzu said.

“Don’t be ridiculous,” Weiyuan said. “Of course he does.”

Tengfei tapped the door with his foot. “Your majesty. You know you’ve been selected by forces above to rule us all don’t you?”

A brief pause. A quick thud. “Ball! Hee hee hee.”

The trio turned their heads as they heard General Tsang’s boots scuffle down the hall.

“You three were bested by a toddler?” General Tsang asked.

“A very obstinate toddler,” Nianzu said as he and his compatriots stood up.

General Tsang knocked on the door. “Your majesty?”

“I’m afraid that won’t work,” Nianzu said. “We’ve already tried that and…”

“Your majesty,” General Tsang said. “I have candy.”

Click. The little boy unlocked the doors and General Tsang swung them open.

“Tsang!” the boy said as he smiled and clapped his hands together.

“Yes,” General Tsang said as he scooped the boy up in his arms. “My goodness, little Emperor, you’re getting so big I can hardly lift you.”

“Candy?” the boy asked.

“Oh, I’m sorry, Your Majesty,” the general said. “Tsang has gone and told a fib. I don’t have any.”

The boy frowned.

“But I know where we can find some,” General Tsang said as he tapped the boy on the nose. “We must hurry quickly though as there are some bad men who want to take it away.”

The boy shook his head. “Not my candy!”

“Fear not, Emperor,” General Tsang said as he poked his head out the door. “My men and I will never allow your candy to be stolen.”

General Tsang’s heart sank as he saw Rage Dog coming down the hall with a contingent of undead warriors behind him. The general closed the door and locked it.

Nianzu knew his cousin well. He knew what was going on by the look on the general’s face.

“That bad?” Nianzu asked as he drew his sword. Weiyuan and Tengfei followed suit.

“Indeed,” General Tsang said.

The general put the boy down and knelt down in front of him. “Let’s play a game.”

“I like games,” the boy said.

General Tsang took the Emperor by the hand and led him to the bed. “Now, Tsang wants you to hide under here and close your eyes and put your fingers in your ears.”

“Why?” the boy asked.

The general took a second to ponder the question. “Because it will be fun?”

The boy shrugged his shoulders, then crawled underneath the bed.

General Tsang leaned down to take a look at the boy. “Now whatever you do, don’t come out until Tsang tells you to, OK?”

“OK,” the boy replied.

The general returned to his men. Fists furiously pounded on the door.

“I’ve come to claim the Emperor in the name of Dragonhand!” Rage Dog shouted.

General Tsang drew his sword.

“Cousin,” Nianzu said. “If I die…”

Rage Dog interrupted with a maniacal scream. “You will obey the orders of the Master of the Clan of the Terrifyingly Unnatural Brain Bite!”

“Strike that,” Nianzu said. “When I die, do find my wife and tell her I love her, will you?”

General Tsang patted Nianzu on the shoulder. “You’ll tell her yourself.”

“Hopefully,” Nianzu said. “But unlikely. Either way, I’ll fight better knowing you’ll tell her. We had an awful fight last night.”

“Her cooking?” Weiyuan asked.

“Your slow libido?” Tengfei added.

Nianzu cleared his throat. “Both issues were involved. Shut up, nitwits, I’m trying to have a moment with my kinsman, here.”

Rage Dog’s fist punched a hole through the wooden door. “I will feast on the brain of any man who opposes me!”

The quartet took up fighting positions and pointed their swords at the door.

“It was a lovely moment, Nianzu,” General Tsang said.

“Was it?” Nianzu asked. “Maybe you’re softer than I thought.”

Another undead fist punched through the door. Then another.

“Don’t tell anyone,” General Tsang said. “I have a reputation to uphold.”

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Walking Dead Recap – Season 7, Episode 12 – “Say Yes”

OBLIGATORY SPOILER WARNING

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Hey 3.5 readers.

Love was in the air tonight.  It was like romance in the zombie apocalypse as Rick and Michonne were way too happy than we’re used to seeing any characters be on this shoe.

Meanwhile, it appears Tara is going to spill the beans which makes me sad as I thought her secret keeping ability was her best quality.

I want chili mac and cheese!

By the way, I forgot to recap last week’s episode.  It was a very Eugene episode.  I love Eugene.  He’s a nerd just trying to nerd his way through the apocalypse.  I don’t foresee him betraying Rick and the gang, but I could understand why if he did because he’s treated like an actual important scientist with the Saviors and he has long yearned to be treated as a respectable scientist even though he doesn’t have any advanced science degrees.

What say you, 3.5?

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