World Renowned Motivational Speaker/Anti-Suck Expert Vinny Baggadouchio
I’m Vinny Baggadouchio and if the world is a suck pony, then I’m riding it to the nearest non-suck stable.
Perhaps you’ve read one of my many fine self-help books, guaranteed to help you defeat your suckitude:
This Suck Ends Now!
Suck It, Suckers!
The Non-Suck Mindset
Suck Your Last Suck
The Last Sucki
Suck Street Blues
You Don’t Suck as Much as You Think
Hate the Suck. Love the Sucker.
I’ve helped kings and queens, paupers and poets alike, drop their sucky habits and now I’m here on BQB’s blog to teach you 3.5 suckers how to mend your sucky ways.
Here’s the latest missive from a reader in need of my anti-suck advice:
Dear Vinny B.,
Thanks to all your books, I stopped sucking. Believe. I used to suck real bad. I used to sleep all day, party all night, freebase cookie dough, and get in fights with department store Santas for being too fat. After I woke up in Vegas having given my life savings to a hirsute prostitute named Edwina, I decided, no more. I read all your books, completed your program and now I am a bona fide non-sucker. I have the certificate from Vinny B’s Online College of Anti-Suck Studies to prove it.
It’s been years since I’ve sucked now. My life doesn’t suck at all. I’m rich. Handsome. Good looking. In great shape. The world is my oyster.
Unfortunately, I fell in love with a woman who sucks. Like, really bad. She seemed great at first, but after the initial honeymoon phase wore off, I got to know the real her, warts and all, and boy does she suck.
The sucky highlights:
- Farts regularly. Keeps a notebook where she ranks her farts on a 1-10 system based on length, depth and bass.
- Wears only sweaters featuring bedazzled kitty kats.
- Kicks homeless puppies for fun and sport.
- Projectile vomits on me three times a day.
- Writes Firefly fan fiction.
- Has attempted to sell me into the underground world of international sex slavery no less than 17 times. You’d think after the first time I woke up in the all male harem of a wealthy Arab prince, I would have learned better, but fool me once, fool me a bunch more times.
- Eats all my cookies. I was saving those.
My family says as a non-sucker, I can do so much better, but I love this sucky woman so much. Can a sucker and a non-sucker ever find true love together?
Confused in Chicago
Boy, Confused. Your dilemma sure does suck.
But you know, it’s not uncommon amongst former suckers turned reformed non-suckers.
There’s two answers to your question. Yes and no. I know, that answer sucks, but let me explain.
On the one hand:
You used to suck. Then you did the hard work to not suck. You walked the long non-suck path. You climbed the tall non-suck tower. You sailed through the ocean of suck to the land of non-suck on the other side.
You don’t suck anymore. And that’s the best. Non-suckers who earn their non-suck have the sweetest non-suck because they appreciate it more, having conquered the non-suck journey.
After all that work, you deserve someone who does not suck. And statistics show that the couple who doesn’t suck together, will stay together.
You don’t suck and you need a non-sucker to reinforce your non-sucky habits.
Non-sucker couples spend their days exercising. Going to yoga classes. Drinking tasty, nutritious fruit juices. Shopping for window treatments and entertaining the elderly with their own ukulele covers of popular songs.
Meanwhile, sucky couples sell their butts for cocaine, watch reality television all day, kick the elderly and steal their social security checks and overall, they smell very bad.
Is it possible for a sucker to love a non-sucker? Sure. You know why you do? Empathy. You used to suck. You will always remember how it felt to suck. Ergo, you feel bad for the suckers of the world.
However, no one ever said that not sucking is easy. Therefore, you have to abandon the sucky before they suck you down into their world of suck and turn you back into the sucker you worked so hard to stop being.
Is it possible for a sucker and a non sucker to sustain a long lasting love? Sure. Practical? No. When you want to run a marathon, she’ll want to set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. When you want to write a sonnet, she will want to knock over a liqour store. When you want to paint a painting, she’ll want to burp stirring renditions of show tunes.
If it works, you’d have to be the rare couple who compartamentilizes their relationship. When she wants to suck, she’ll have to go somewhere and suck on her own. When you want to not-suck, you’ll have to not suck on your own. Can she come and sit back and cheer you on while you don’t suck? Maybe. But it would take the rare sucker who wouldn’t be jealous of your non-sucky ways.
I don’t think it’s possible and my advice would be to tell this sucker to go on her own non-suck journey. Maybe buy her all of my anti-suck books, available wherever books that don’t suck are sold. You never know. Losing you might be the catalyst she needs to walk over the coals of suck fire to reach the promised land of non-suck.
Whatever you do, don’t let her drag you back to the world of suck. Suck is something you only escape once and the more you get pulled back into it, the less likely it becomes to escape it again.
Thanks for the letter, Confused. Until next time, this is Vinny B saying good luck, and don’t suck.