Monthly Archives: February 2019

Stop Sucking with Vinny Baggadouchio – Can a Non-Sucker Date a Sucker and Not Suck?

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World Renowned Motivational Speaker/Anti-Suck Expert Vinny Baggadouchio

I’m Vinny Baggadouchio and if the world is a suck pony, then I’m riding it to the nearest non-suck stable.

Perhaps you’ve read one of my many fine self-help books, guaranteed to help you defeat your suckitude:

This Suck Ends Now!

Suck It, Suckers!

The Non-Suck Mindset

#StopSucking

Suck Your Last Suck

The Last Sucki

Suck Street Blues

You Don’t Suck as Much as You Think

Hate the Suck.  Love the Sucker.

I’ve helped kings and queens, paupers and poets alike, drop their sucky habits and now I’m here on BQB’s blog to teach you 3.5 suckers how to mend your sucky ways.

Here’s the latest missive from a reader in need of my anti-suck advice:

Dear Vinny B.,

Thanks to all your books, I stopped sucking.  Believe.  I used to suck real bad.  I used to sleep all day, party all night, freebase cookie dough, and get in fights with department store Santas for being too fat.  After I woke up in Vegas having given my life savings to a hirsute prostitute named Edwina, I decided, no more.  I read all your books, completed your program and now I am a bona fide non-sucker.  I have the certificate from Vinny B’s Online College of Anti-Suck Studies to prove it.

It’s been years since I’ve sucked now.  My life doesn’t suck at all.  I’m rich.  Handsome.  Good looking.  In great shape.  The world is my oyster.

Unfortunately, I fell in love with a woman who sucks.  Like, really bad.  She seemed great at first, but after the initial honeymoon phase wore off, I got to know the real her, warts and all, and boy does she suck.

The sucky highlights:

  1.  Farts regularly.  Keeps a notebook where she ranks her farts on a 1-10 system based on length, depth and bass.
  2. Wears only sweaters featuring bedazzled kitty kats.
  3. Kicks homeless puppies for fun and sport.
  4. Projectile vomits on me three times a day.
  5. Writes Firefly fan fiction.
  6. Has attempted to sell me into the underground world of international sex slavery no less than 17 times.  You’d think after the first time I woke up in the all male harem of a wealthy Arab prince, I would have learned better, but fool me once, fool me a bunch more times.
  7. Eats all my cookies.  I was saving those.

My family says as a non-sucker, I can do so much better, but I love this sucky woman so much.  Can a sucker and a non-sucker ever find true love together?

Sincerely,

Confused in Chicago

Boy, Confused.  Your dilemma sure does suck.

But you know, it’s not uncommon amongst former suckers turned reformed non-suckers.

There’s two answers to your question.  Yes and no.  I know, that answer sucks, but let me explain.

On the one hand:

You used to suck.  Then you did the hard work to not suck.  You walked the long non-suck path.  You climbed the tall non-suck tower.  You sailed through the ocean of suck to the land of non-suck on the other side.

You don’t suck anymore.  And that’s the best.  Non-suckers who earn their non-suck have the sweetest non-suck because they appreciate it more, having conquered the non-suck journey.

After all that work, you deserve someone who does not suck.  And statistics show that the couple who doesn’t suck together, will stay together.

You don’t suck and you need a non-sucker to reinforce your non-sucky habits.

Non-sucker couples spend their days exercising.  Going to yoga classes.  Drinking tasty, nutritious fruit juices.  Shopping for window treatments and entertaining the elderly with their own ukulele covers of popular songs.

Meanwhile, sucky couples sell their butts for cocaine, watch reality television all day, kick the elderly and steal their social security checks and overall, they smell very bad.

Is it possible for a sucker to love a non-sucker?  Sure.  You know why you do?  Empathy.  You used to suck.  You will always remember how it felt to suck.  Ergo, you feel bad for the suckers of the world.

However, no one ever said that not sucking is easy.  Therefore, you have to abandon the sucky before they suck you down into their world of suck and turn you back into the sucker you worked so hard to stop being.

Is it possible for a sucker and a non sucker to sustain a long lasting love?  Sure.  Practical?  No.  When you want to run a marathon, she’ll want to set ants on fire with a magnifying glass.  When you want to write a sonnet, she will want to knock over a liqour store.  When you want to paint a painting, she’ll want to burp stirring renditions of show tunes.

If it works, you’d have to be the rare couple who compartamentilizes their relationship.  When she wants to suck, she’ll have to go somewhere and suck on her own.  When you want to not-suck, you’ll have to not suck on your own.  Can she come and sit back and cheer you on while you don’t suck?  Maybe.  But it would take the rare sucker who wouldn’t be jealous of your non-sucky ways.

I don’t think it’s possible and my advice would be to tell this sucker to go on her own non-suck journey.  Maybe buy her all of my anti-suck books, available wherever books that don’t suck are sold.  You never know.  Losing you might be the catalyst she needs to walk over the coals of suck fire to reach the promised land of non-suck.

Whatever you do, don’t let her drag you back to the world of suck.  Suck is something you only escape once and the more you get pulled back into it, the less likely it becomes to escape it again.

Thanks for the letter, Confused.  Until next time, this is Vinny B saying good luck, and don’t suck.

 

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A Goodbye Letter to My 3.5 Readers

Dear 3.5 Readers,

I have decided this is all bullcrap and therefore I will quit my efforts at bloggery.

All those years ago when I started this fine blog, I did so because I thought I was a good writer.  However, as it turns out, I was just expending existential gas and now I’m empty.

I have decided to watch the City Girls/Cardi B Twerk video for the rest of my life on a continuous loop.  Yes, the one where they fill the yacht with twerking butts.

To fund this lifestyle, I have sold this blog to a South Korean media conglomerate.  Does that mean this blog will change?  Yes.  A lot?  Yes.

How will it be different?  Well, before I used to opine quite a bit.  But now, this blog will mostly be advertisements for squid candy.  Mmm delicious squid candy.

Also, people in funny costumes dancing like Psy.  While they sell squid candy.

By the way, when they bought this blog, they paid me in squid candy.  Also, they bought all of you, paying me 3.5 boxes of squid candy per reader.

Enjoy the blog, 3.5.  I’m off now to watch that twerk video for the rest of my life.

For more information on the impending South Korean takeover of this fine blog, click here.

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Movie Review – A Star is Born (2018)

A Star is Born review reblog.

Bookshelf Battle

Fame can’t fix all your problems.

BQB here with a review of A Star is Born.

Every man dreams of having a trick to win a woman’s heart.  Maybe it’s a card trick or a magic trick or that special pickup line.  For troubled alcoholic rock star Jackson Mane (Bradley Cooper), a chance meeting leads to him dating aspiring singer Ally (Lady Gaga).  When he calls Ally on stage to achieve her dream of singing before a large audience, a star (wait for it) is born.

You’d think this would all lead to a great, happy life but alas, a lifetime of addiction has its claws sunk into Jackson.  While his help leads Ally to find super stardom in the pop world, he sees his own star start to dim.  Years of abusing his body with drugs and alcohol lead to hearing loss which spells trouble for his career.  Unable…

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Movie Review – Black Panther (2018)

Black Panther review reblog.

Bookshelf Battle

Mother of God, 3.5 readers.  Look what some rapscallion posted on Twitter:

Shameless plug: if you follow @bookshelfbattle you can read snarky commentary like that all the time.

And now, on to Wakanda!

Short version – Malcolm X and Martin Luther King (or at least their dueling philosophies on black empowerment) were put into superhero form and left to duke it out.

Longer version – Wakanda has long existed as a hidden utopia of technological greatness, all made possible to large reserves of vibranium, the magic, do-everything metal that makes Captain America’s shield so awesome.

At the core of Wakandan politics is a central question – should Wakanda remain hidden from the world, hoarding its technological secrets to ensure the country’s continued survival, or…

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Movie Review – BlacKkKlansman (2018)

Black Klansman review reblog.

Bookshelf Battle

Put on your bell bottoms, 3.5 jive turkeys.  It’s time for a review of Spike Lee’s latest joint.

It’s the 1970s and a young Ron Stallworth (John David Washington) has become the first black police officer on the Colorado Springs force.  Alas, his dreams of defeating villains with kung-fu moves gleamed from his favorite flicks come to a grinding halt when he’s assigned to the epically boring records room.

One day, whilst fending off boredom by reading a newspaper, he spots a recruitment ad for the Ku Klux Klan.  On a lark, he calls it, requests information on how to join and down the rabbit hole he goes.

Naturally, Ron can’t show up to a KKK meeting and expect to get out alive, so he teams up with fellow officer Flip Zimmerman (Adam Driver), a man whose Jewish heritage is also not looked at fondly by the Klan.

Together, Ron…

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Movie Review – Bohemian Rhapsody (2018)

Hey 3.5 readers. I’m going to reblog my reviews of the Oscar nominees. First up, Bohemian Rhapsody.

Bookshelf Battle

Scaramouche, 3.5 readers. Scaramouche indeed.

BQB here with a review of “Bohemian Rhapsody.”

As a young man, Farrokh Bulsara had a ridiculous, almost supernatural and unwavering level of confidence in himself.  Where most of us reach our late teens and early twenties and decide selling out our dreams in exchange for financial stability is the safest way to go, Farrokh, who later changes and embraces his new name, Freddie Mercury, has talent and believes in himself intensely.

All he needs is an opportunity and he finds it in the form of a struggling band.  College students Brian May, Roger Taylor and John Deacon are on the rocks and about to call it quits when Freddie confidently sings a few notes in front of them and the rest is history.

Freddie is a showman’s showman and the front man to end all front men.  As Queen’s star rises, he engages the audience…

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Movie Review – Green Book (Oscars 2019 Best Picture Winner!)

Hey 3.5 readers.

Funny.  I actually went out tonight.  I usually stay in on Oscar night and watch the show but I went out and saw Green Book instead.  To my surprise, it won.  It wasn’t surprising, as it was a good movie.  It’s just that I thought BlackKklansman had it locked up

So, that’s a first for me, seeing an Oscar movie in the theater the night it wins.  Someone give me an award for good timing.

Anyway, BQB here with a review.

 

You know, 3.5, as it turns out, there’s more that unites us than what divides us.  We’re all different.  Different races, sexes, classes and yet we’re all just looking for one thing – dignity.

Dr. Don Shirley (Mashershala Ali) is an educated man with multiple doctorates, but in the 1960s, he is most famous for being a talented classical pianist.  So great are his skills that he fills concert halls and moves everyone in attendance with his ivory tickling skills.

He prides himself on dignity and self-respect.  He’s well read and doesn’t care for rudeness, bad manners, bad grammar and so on.

An odd couple road trip is set into motion when nightclub bouncer Tony Lip is recruited to be Doc’s driver and protector on a concert tour through the deep south.

Hard to say it out loud, but Tony hates black people.  In an early scene, a pair of black repairman come to his house to work on an appliance.  When his wife gives them lemonade, he throws the glasses into the trash can, not wanting to drink out of the same glass as a black man.

When his club shuts down, Tony’s out of money and options, so he takes the job driving the Doc and watching his back.

At first, the duo can’t stand each other.  Tony is an uncouth bore, telling inappropriate jokes and constantly shoving fast food in his face.  Tony isn’t a fan of the Doc either, thinking his client is a holier than thou book worm.

Together, they learn and grow.  Doc teaches Tony some much needed gentlemanly skills – how to improve his speaking skills, how to write better, etc.  Tony teaches Doc how to grease the wheels and get out of jams.  In other words, Tony comes across as a dumb brute until his cop bribing skills and willingness to knock punks out comes in handy in the Jim Crow south.

Eventually, Tony drops his racist ways and he and the Doc become the best of friends.

I understand there’s some controversy brewing in that the movie isn’t all that woke in comparison to the other nominees.  Today, we definitely hold people to a higher standard.  You should never be racist and it doesn’t matter how much time has passed since a racist incident.  If you did something racist, then you’re gone.  Tony doesn’t fit that bill because he begins the film as a racist then by the end of the film he has an awakening that makes him a better man.

I don’t know.  On one hand, I get the need for people to be not racist from the start.  On the other hand, we should be encouraging people to be better and improve themselves so…I don’t know.  Somehow those two standpoints need to be reconciled.

There are a few powerful scenes in the film.  Spoiler Alert – the most moving is when Doc and Tony stop along the road to change a tire.  The black workers in the field, one assumes descendants of slaves who worked in the field look on in amazement as it becomes clear to them that Doc is the boss in the back of the car and Tony is his employee.

It’s a good film that tugs at the heart strings.  On top of racial clashes, all types of conflicts are discussed.  Class struggles.  Education struggles.  At times, Tony and Doc class less about race and more about their different education and class levels.  Ironically, Tony is less accomplished than Doc, yet Tony can walk into any establishment while Doc has to wait outside.  Sad to think that this was once the way the country was.

Admittedly, Viggo basically plays a cartoon character version of a mob connected Italian, but to his credit, he does transform into an entirely different person.  He’s lively and humorous, whereas Viggo is usually known for playing quiet, brooding characters.

I enjoy Ali’s performance as well.  At times, I could feel the crushing loneliness Doc felt.  He held multiple doctorates, was rich and talented, but the same rich people who would hire him to play would then turn around and tell him not to use their bathroom after the performance, and generally, had no interest in befriending him or treating him as an equal.  Sadly, at the time, black people didn’t have much access to higher education at the time, so they don’t know what to make of this fancy man in his fancy suits with his fancy way of speaking.  He is utterly alone and no one understands him.

Not sure it was the best film out of those nominated but still a lot of good messages just the same.

STATUS: Shelf-worthy.

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Melissa McCarthy Snubbed! #OscarsSoPretty

Melissa McCarthy isn’t ugly but she is chubby and unfortunately, the Oscars will never allow a person who isn’t skinny to win.  It’s sad such discrimination against people of size.

How long must my people suffer before we are finally recognized by the Academy?

For shame, Academy.  For shame.

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Willem Dafoe Snubbed Again! #OscarsSoPretty

The Oscars are too damn pretty, 3.5 readers.

I rooted for Willem Dafoe to win Best Supporting Actor last year and for Best Actor this year.  He’s lost two years in a row.  The Oscars just won’t let an ugly man take home a little gold statue.

An outrage!  Outrage, I say!  On behalf of all Ugly-Americans, I am offended.

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Movie Review – Mary Queen of Scots (2018)

Who knew a movie about crap that happened hundreds of years ago could be so controversial?

BQB here with a review of “Mary Queen of Scots.”

I’m going to say it at the outset.  For me, as one of a handful of fans of historical films left, this movie was a stinkburger with extra turd fries.  The problem is, I think that might have been the point?

I’m loathe to cry SPOILER ALERT because you’ve had 500 years to learn the tale, and there have been a number of other shows and movies about it but the short story is Mary returns to Scotland after the death of her French husband and takes her place as Queen of Scots.  This causes turmoil for Elizabeth, the infamous red haired Queen of England as two queens on one island is a recipe for disaster.

I’ll say a nice thing about this movie.  I will admit it taught me a lot about this period that I never knew before.  Namely, it takes the stance that the women, Mary and Elizabeth, were the calmest heads in the proverbial room, and it was their butthole male advisers refusing to take council from women that screwed everything up.  More specifically, Elizabeth is Protestant and her Protestant advisers subvert her efforts to make peace with Mary.  Elizabeth is like (she doesn’t say this but I’m paraphrasing), “Hey, I’m old and there doesn’t seem to be anyone else with a brain ready to take over when I croak so England might as well go to Mary’s offspring.”

But her male advisers are like, “No fuck that!  We hate Catholics!” and in secret they’re like “This is bullshit we have to take orders from a broad!”  Again, paraphrasing.

Meanwhile, Mary is like, “I’m a Catholic but if I take over England I won’t kill the Protestants!  Everyone can worship as they choose!” but her male advisers are all like, “Fuck this!  You have a vagina!  My dick is superior!  I must rule!”

And so, that’s the gist of the story.  It claims Elizabeth and Mary wanted peace, but the hot headed males under their command wouldn’t listen to them.  The injustice seems to be that if Liz and Mary had been male kings, male advisers wouldn’t have dared betray them but lost on the cutting room floor is that male kings probably would have had a few heads chopped off of people who looked at them funny just to keep conspiracies against the crown at bay.

So maybe the lesson is men have to keep their testosterone in check and obey the chain of command when a woman is in charge and women have to rough up a few muthafuckas to show everyone who’s boss.

Ultimately, that would have been a modern twist on an old tale.  Men, keep your balls in check if you want to work for a female leader and women, grow a pair of hypothetical balls if you want to lead because there will be times that call for aggression.

But it doesn’t stop there.  This is a very woke, very PC retelling of a classic tale, so much so that it looks like a bunch of SJWs got together and crafted it in a lab.

OK.  What I’m about to say may sound racist but I’m going to make the argument why it is not racist.

Mary has an Asian lady-in-waiting an African adviser and a Puerto Rican secretary.  There are also people of color throughout, as extras and in smaller roles.  Thus, the diverse casting in period dramas debate is raised.

Is it the end of the world to provide to a movie about 1500s England with a diverse cast?  No.  Is it historically accurate?  Also, no.  And I guess this is where the film goes out of whack for me.

And I know, this is where you say, “Oh BQB, you are a racist douche face because you hate seeing a diverse cast in a movie.”  No, that’s not it.  I just think that whenever Hollywood makes any kind of history piece, they’re taking a gamble because audiences don’t flock to historical movies.  On the other hand, Hollywood should be encouraged to keep making these flicks because they preserve and teach history for future generations.

Therein lies the problem.  You might argue, “Oh it’s so horribly racist to look at a period piece and see no diversity in the all white cast!” but my counter would be that more and more, people turn to movies and TV as their main source of learning about history.  As that trend continues, what if some nitwit, hundreds of years ago watches a movie like this and thinks, “Aww, look.  Mary Queen of Scots had a black advisor, an Asian lady-in-waiting and a Puerto Rican secretary.  1500s Britain must have been a wonderful place for people of color!”

No, it wasn’t.  There weren’t any there and of the few who may have been, they were no doubt treated poorly and definitely not appointed to high positions.

Director Josie Rourke explains her diverse casting choice in this article. from Refinery29.

I hope I won’t botch my take-away from the article, but it seems like she is saying that theater companies today are very diverse and when actors are honing their acting chops, it is common for them to turn to the classics.  Thus, you’ll have Shakesperean and old English era plays put on with diverse casts.

Fair enough.  I just…I don’t know.  To me, there just seems to be something off about it.  The message, I thought anyway, was, “Hey.  Here were two strong women who could have made peace and kept their island from imploding if all the male underlings would have just shut their holes and done as they were told.”

In other words, the island erupted in Protestant vs. Catholic warfare because it was an unwoke time where men couldn’t drop their egos long enough to take direction from a woman.

Good message, but to me, it’s lost in the diverse casting.  You can’t simultaneously claim this was an unwoke time where a lack of wokeness led to war but also, look, it was so woke that there were people of color in very high, prominent positions.

Maybe I’m a caveman.  I don’t know.  Any other type of movie, I’m all for diverse casting.  I actually don’t even care if there’s diverse casting in a historical fantasy.  For example, Netflix has a show called The Frankenstein Chronicles about 1800s London where a pair of detectives, a black and white cop buddy duo, investigate a series of murders that seem to imitate the murders in Mary Shelley’s tale.  Is it accurate that a black cop would have been treated with respect and seen as an equal in 1800s London?  No.  But then again, they didn’t have Frankensteins either.  It’s all pure fantasy and there are nerds  of all different colors who love fantasy so sure, why not have a diverse cast that appeals to all the different colors of the nerd rainbow?

Further, I think sometimes Hollywood does stuff like this to excuse their failures when it comes to casting larger roles in bigger movies.  For example, giving Mary Queen of Scots a black adviser in a film few will see doesn’t excuse the lack of diverse casting in big budget blockbusters.  Where’s the black Batman?  Where’s the Asian Ironman?  Etcetera.

Back to the movie.  Saorise Ronan and Margot Robbie each play their parts well.  Ronan is the hotter young babe, while Elizabeth is older.  There’s an underlying subtext of youth and beauty vs. age and wisdom.  The older you get the wiser you are but alas, you lose your looks and the uglier you get, the worse people treat you even though you’ve lived longer and know more than the younger folk don’t.  We are shown scenes where Elizabeth appears in full regal clown makeup (apparently people thought it looked great at the time though I think it made her look like Bozo.)  Then, behind the scenes, we see Elizabeth with her hair falling out.  She’s getting older.  Wrinklier.  She contracts chicken pox and spends a good portion of the movie with blisters all over her face.

Indeed, this lets Margot Robbie flex her acting muscles.  “Look! I’m more than a pretty face!”  However, as an ugly rights advocate, I object.  See, Hollywood is so committed to racial diversity that they’ll throw diverse actors into a period piece, but Hollywood is still so discriminatory against the ugly and the old that they won’t let an ugly old woman play Elizabeth.  There were probably many fifty year old women losing their hair who would have loved to play Liz but Hollywood was like, “Nope!  Slap some ugly makeup on the hot chick!  We need the audience to know that it’s all ok.  There’s still a hot young babe under all this ugly makeup!”

Black adviser?  Sure!  Puerto Rican secretary?  Why not?  50 year old woman playing a 50 year old woman?  GOD, NO!  GET HER OUT OF HERE AND SLAP SOME UGLY MAKEUP ON MID 20S HOT MARGOT ROBBIE AT ONCE!!!

STATUS: Borderline shelf-worthy, only because it taught me a few things about that time period I never knew before.  Problem is, you have to wade through all the wokeness and turn to the Internet to look up what was fact and what was fiction.  I think the film’s best messages get lost amidst a sea of wokeness and the problem is, the messages are woke if you sift through the PC-ness long enough to find them.  Ironically, this could have been a great movie.

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