Monthly Archives: March 2017

Best Pickup Lines #101-150

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#101 – Oh, I guess you’ll do.

#102 – Pardon me ma’am, but do you have a taser?  If so, is it charged?  Also, what’s your pepper spray situation?  I ask because the ER says my health insurance won’t cover any more zap or eye treatments this fiscal year.

#103 – If you were peanut butter, I’d spread you on my bread.

#104 – The ladies say I’m a dog.  Wanna pet me?

#105 – Let’s go back to your place.  My place is filled with silverfish.

#106 – I’ve been told I have a silver tongue.  Got any varnish?

#107 – Want to play Monopoly?  I’ll put my finger in your thimble.

#108 – Would you like to split an ice cream soda at the malt shoppe?

#109 – Why yes, these are Hammer pants.  Thank you for noticing.

#110 – Look into my eyes.  You are getting sleepy…very sleepy…

#111 – Does anyone else know you are here?  Would anyone miss you?  Just curious is all.  No biggie.

#112 – Do you come here often?  Would you like to?

#113 – Would you be willing to take a compatibility test?  You only have to fill in the bubbles on a scantron sheet for seven hours.

#114 – Want to see me crush a beer can on my head?

#115 – I sure would love to bounce a quarter off that tucas.

#116 – I feel like I could get lost in your eyes.  Would you like to get lost in my chest hair?

#117 – I’d like to sketch you sometime, but I’m not a very good artist.  It would probably just look like a stick figure with two giant chest circles.

#118 – We’re not getting any younger.

#119 – I just sold my three years sober chip for a keg.  I’m officially off the wagon, baby! Woo!

#120 – I’ll mow your lawn and trim your hedge.  Also, I will do your lawn work.

#121 – You shaved down there or do you look like you’ve got bigfoot in a leg lock?

#122 – I’d love to take you to Europe, but the International Showcase at Epcot is the best I can do.

#123 – Who’s up for a little bit of the slap and tickle?

#124 – You are an amazing woman and I value your mind and spirit over your body.  Was that sufficiently deep to get me into your pants or do I have to spout off more nonsense?

#125 – It totally works.  I just got it checked.

#126 – Wanna come back to my place?  We can take turns lying down in the chalk silhouette on the floor.

#127 – Allow me to serenade you with my accordion.

#128 – Wanna do your good deed for the year?

#129 – Hey lady.  Stop staring at my crotch.  My eyes are up here.

#130 – You look exactly like a movie star.  Has anyone else ever mistaken you for Rosie O’Donnell?

#131 – We’re like two ships passing in the night, except now it’s time to dock in your harbor…

#132 – Let us crash our bodies against each other like two portly wildebeests rampaging their way across the Savannah.

#133 – Eh, like you could do better.

#134 – What wedding ring?  Oh, THAT wedding ring!  I’m just holding it for a friend…

#135 – You’re pretty hot.  Seriously, you could be a prostitute in the greater Manhattan area if you wanted to.

#136 – If looks could kill you’d be an Apache attack helicopter outfitted with heat seeking nuclear missiles and twin gatling guns.

#137 – Can I touch it?

#138 – Can I text you sometime…and also, many times after that?

#139 – I know we just met but I can already imagine a life where I pass out in front of the TV with a beer in my hand and a cigar in my mouth while you wash the skid marks out of my undies.

#140 – I’ve been told I look like a young Abe Vigoda.

#141 – Would you mind terribly if I were to take a life insurance policy and then hang out with you for awhile at the top of a very high flight of stares for absolutely no reason in particular?

#142 -Yeah, I’m a health nut. My diet consists mostly of Slim Jims and Red Bull.

#143 – I have a map to the G-spot.  A legendary explorer gave it to me in exchange for three gold doubloons and a goat.

#144 – Can I sniff the air in your general vicinity?

#145 – Are you one of those lame-os who freaks out when a man takes between thirty and forty thousand photos her while she’s sleeping?

#146 – I’m into feet.  Can you take off those shoes so I can meet yours?

#147 – I wipe regularly.

#148 – I’m cash poor but love rich.

#149 – Check out the size of my hands.  Extra big gloves for me if you catch my drift.

#150 – Let’s boogie.

Daily Discussion with BQB – That Scene in Michael Jackson’s “Beat It…”

…where the two dudes get their hands tied together, thus allowing them to have a knife fight to the death because neither is able to run away is by far the most awesome, totally gangster scene in music video history.

Discuss.

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The Walking Dead Recap – Season 7, Episode 15

Hey 3.5 readers.

BQB with a Walking Dead recap, so if you haven’t seen it…SPOILER ALERT!

So, I inadvertently broke the Internet with this tweet:

70 retweets and 266 likes as of this writing.  Holy crap, that’s a record for me.  (Still counting too as of last refresh).

That was in response to the trap Sasha laid out for Eugene, by the way.

By the way, does anyone else think that it was a dick move for Rick to hijack all those nice Oceanside ladies?

Was it a dick move for that girl to punch her granny in the face?

Anyway, if you want more gems like this one in your Twitter feed, be sure to follow me @bookshelfbattle

 

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Daily Discussion with BQB – Has Anyone Ever Used Patreon Before?

Hey 3.5 readers.

BQB here.  Who else would it be?

Have any of you ever used Patreon before?  Any results you care to discuss, good bad or indifferent?

I always thought of it as a way for people to be online panhandlers.  “Hey, drop a few bucks into my online change cup, will ya?”

Sure, I’m working on books I hope to sell, but that will be up to all 3.5 of you if you want to buy them.  Other than that, I don’t want to be begging for money and stuff.  Seems cheap and tawdry.

But I noticed that some people have like incentives.  For example, some writers will write stories that only their “patrons” can see by donating.  In theory, I suppose that’s an actual transaction.  The writer gave his work and got money.  The reader gave his money and got something to read.  Quid pro quo.  It’s not as bad as, “Hey, I’m sitting alongside the virtual subway, harassing you till you give me some dough.”

I mean, who are these people who donate to Patreon anyway?  I have literally gone without things I need just because I’m too lazy to pull out my credit card and enter the numbers in order to order it.  That’s why Amazon gets so much business.  They know people are lazy so they store your credit info and then you can order shit and still be lazy.

So a) I’m cheap and b) I’m lazy so I just can’t imagine finding myself to donate to someone’s Patreon.  On the other hand, apparently some artists do well with it, but for whatever reason, it just seems weird to me.

In general, I want to give and get and return and not be a sponge.

What say you, 3.5?

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Movie Review – Life (2017)

Ryan Reynolds.  Jake Gyllenaal.  A murderous space amoeba.

BQB here with a review of Life.

Our tale begins on a happy note.  The crew of the International Space Station has received a sample of soil taken from Mars and returned via a probe.  It contains what seems to be a great scientific discovery, namely living bacteria – proof that life exists beyond Earth.

The crew seeks to study this life form but alas, said bacteria has other ideas in mind.  It’s essentially a high paced monster movie in space, as the crew try to save themselves while also trying to keep the life form from reaching Earth.

One observation is that this is really an ensemble cast.  Reynolds and Gyllenhaal are the two most recognizable stars, but they don’t drive the focus or action of the film.  Crew members Sho, Miranda, Kat, and Hugh (Hiroyuki Sanada, Rebecca Ferguson, Olga Dihovichnaya and Ariyon Bakare, respectively) all get their chance to shine.

Reynolds of Deadpool fame is snarky as always.  One day I’d like to hear the story of why a good looking dude (I’m not gay it’s just an observation) still tries so hard.  Handsome/beautiful people tend to coast on their looks – in my opinion.  Yes, I am discriminatory against the beautiful.

STATUS: Shelf-worthy.  Worth a trip to the theater.

 

 

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Toilet Gator – Chapter 6

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In the first floor lavatory of the Beta Theta Zeta sorority house, Gretchen primped herself in front of the mirror, being careful to make sure her makeup was just right.

“Ahem,” Eleanor said as she pulled a crinkled up piece of paper out of her pocket and flattened it out on the sink counter. “I wrote you a little something.”

“You did?” Gretchen asked. “You shouldn’t have.”

“Please,” Eleanor said. “You know spoken word poetry is my bag. Ahem.”

Eleanor coughed at least six or seven more times into her hand until her vocal chords were primed and ready. She then read from the paper. “‘My love for you is like a river – deep, winding, mysterious…and oh so wet.’”

“That’s nice,” Gretchen said. “Short and sweet – just like you.”

“It’s not over,” Eleanor said.

Gretchen ran a tube of bubblegum colored lipstick over her lips. “Oh sorry.”

“Come,” Eleanor read from her masterpiece. “Join me! Become one with my spiritual canoe and together we will float down a river filled with our love forever and ever and ever and ever and…”

“Thanks, Elle,” Gretchen said.

It wasn’t over. “…and ever and ever and ever…”

Gretchen rolled her eyes. “You’ve got a way with words.”

“There was like twenty more ‘and evers’ but I think you get the gist,” Eleanor said.

Gretchen smiled and pecked Eleanor on the cheek. The hipster girl’s cheek flushed.

“That was wonderful,” Gretchen said. “Thank you.”

“So,” Eleanor said. “Will you?”

“Will I what?” Gretchen asked.

Eleanor through up her arms in exasperation. “Float down the river of love with me for ever and ever and ever…”

Gretchen’s stomach turned. “Oh…you were serious?”

Eleanor was quiet for a moment, then blew Gretchen a raspberry. “Pbbbht! As if!”

Gretchen giggled. “Oh my God! You got me!”

“I totally got you!” Eleanor said.

“I mean, I’m only twenty-one,” Gretchen said. “‘Forever is a long time and I don’t know if I’m done with penis yet.’”

Eleanor fumed, then took a deep breath and calmed herself down. “How do you not know if you are done with the very instrument of oppression that men the patriarchy has been unleashing upon the sisterhood since the dawn of time?”

“The penis?” Gretchen asked.

“Yes!” Eleanor shouted. “Of course, the penis! How do you think the patriarchy…”

Wham! The bathroom door flew open and a quartet hurried in just in time to avoid Eleanor’s latest antri-patriarchy rant.

“Get me to the shitter!” Chad cried. “For the love of God, get me to the shitter!”

“Move!” Britney shouted. “Everyone out of the way!”

“Chad,” Lilly said. “I know this is a bad time but do you want to go out next weekend?”

“Can’t…talk,” Chad said as Britney and Paul led the big man on campus into a stall. “Must…poop…out…everything…I have ever eaten before…in my entire…life.”

“That’s cool,” Lilly said. “You can hit me up later on Lifebox or something.”

Paul closed the stall door and he and Britney stepped back as Chad did his dirty business.

“Ohhh!” Chad cried as the bathroom became engulfed in an orchestra of terrible sounds and even worse smells. “Sweet relief!”

“Just let it all out, man,” Paul said. “You’ll be fine.”

Gretchen stepped away the mirror and looked at Paul and Britney. “Oh my God. Is that Chad Becker?”

A series of toots erupted from the stall before Chad answered. “In the flesh, babe…”

“Oh my God,” Gretchen said. “Chad! Why didn’t you call me back?”

“Oh,” Britney said. “For the love of…seriously?”

“Which one are you again?” Chad asked as the toilet bowl ramped up the echoes of his butt blasts.

“Gretchen Dieterman,” Gretchen said.

“Short girl,” Chad said. “A little pudgy?”

“God no,” Gretchen replied.

“I don’t know,” Chad said as he stood up off on the toilet. He got down on his knees on the dirty bathroom floor and puked into the already brown toilet water. “I’ll check my records and get back to you.”

“That’s cool,” Gretchen said as she twirled a strand of her hair around her finger. “Whatevs.”

“Wait,” Lilly said. “Chad, you said you were going to call ME back three months ago. Now you’re going to call this skank back before me?”

“Them’s the breaks, girl…BLEAH!!!”

Gretchen got into Lilly’s face. “Who are you calling a skank, bitch?”

Lilly refused to back down. “Who are you calling a bitch, bitch?”

Britney positioned herself in-between the bickering females. “Are you two really going to fight over this loser?”

Chad was back, sitting on the bowl again. More farts. More smells. “Babe, I’m not a loser. What do you call a man who dedicated ten years of his life to getting a two-year community college degree?”

“A loser,” Britney said.

“Well,” Chad said. “You say tomato, I say ‘tomahto.’ You call me a loser, but I just say that means I’m committed.”

“Like you know anything about commitment, Chad,” Britney said. “Your parents just keep paying for you to go here because they don’t want you living with them, destroying their house and you keep failing classes because you know you’ll never make it in the real world.”

“Wait,” Lilly said.

“You dated him too?” Gretchen asked.

“Worst mistake of my life,” Britney said.

“Paul!” Chad shouted. “Paul, you out there bro?”

“Yeah,” Paul replied.

“Gonna need some major TP, bro!”
“Right,” Paul said. The nerd opened up an empty stall, pulled the toilet paper roll out of the dispenser, then hurled it over the side of Chad’s stall.

“Much obliged, kemo sabe,” Chad said.

“Don’t mention it,” Paul said.

“Whoa,” Lilly said. “How do we know you’re not over Chad?”

“Yeah,” Gretchen said. “Maybe you’re just trying to scare us off so you can have him all to yourself.”

Chad’s backside ripped a sound akin to the motor of a struggling leaf blower. “Putt, putt, putt, putt, putt…”

“If that doesn’t scare you off, nothing will,” Britney said.

Eleanor had had enough of this unsavory display. She stopped her foot and started screaming. “Enough! Gretchen, you dated that…that…thing in there?”

“I told you I didn’t know if I was done with penis yet,” Gretchen said.

“Why is he here?” Gretchen said as he pointed at Chad’s stall. She then pointed at Paul. “And why is he here? This is a female restroom only!”

“It was an emergency,” Britney said. “The idiot soused himself on Spazenbrau and it was literally coming out of both ends.”

Chad farted. “Still is.”

“This is unacceptable,” Eleanor said as she pulled out her cell phone. “I’m calling campus police.”

“Oh come on,” Britney said. “Is that really necessary?”

“It is absolutely necessary,” Eleanor said.

“But Elle,” Gretchen whined. “You’re going to get him in trouble!”

“He got himself in trouble by coming in here,” Eleanor said.

Chad let a few stinkers rip, then interrupted the conversation. “I identify as a chick!”

Eleanor’s face scrunched up. “What?”

“I self-identify as a female!” Chad shouted between butt blasts. “I just now started thinking, ‘Damn, I really wish I was born with a vagina instead of a penis. What a drag.’”

Paul laughed. Britney lowered her head into hear hands out of sheer embarrassment.
Eleanor swiped the hang up button on her phone. “What are you saying?”

“I’m saying I’m a chick on the inside and I have a spiritual vagina,” Chad said. “And Sitwell Community College has a very strict policy when it comes to people being allowed to use the bathroom that corresponds to their gender identity.”

“Oh no,” Eleanor said as she put her phone back in her pocket. “I’m very sorry I disturbed you, ma’am.”

“You should be!” Chad shouted as he strained on the toilet. “Oh Jesus, my ass is on fire!”

“I didn’t mean to,” Eleanor said. “I consider myself to be one of the most woke students on this campus but I guess we all make mistakes.”

“It’s cool,” Chad said. “Not your fault you’re a dumbass.”

“I can relate because sometimes I wish I was born with a penis instead of a vagina,” Eleanor said.

“Well,” Chad said. “Would that I could rip my penis off and trade you your vagina for it but I’m no medical scientist so I don’t know how to do that.”

Britney shook her head. “I just…I can’t believe this is my life.”

Paul just laughed and laughed and laughed.

“Wait,” Eleanor said as she looked at Paul. “What about you?”

“What about me?” Paul asked.

“Do you also self-identify as a female?”

Paul scratched his head and stalled for awhile.

“Tell her the truth, Beermeister,” Chad said.

“I…I…”

Chad made a courtesy flush, then turned the new water brown instantly. “Tell her about your spiritual cooter, dummy!”

“I’m uh…just going to be outside.” Paul walked out of the bathroom and closed the door behind him.

“That’s too bad that you’re a woman now, Chad,” Gretchen said. “I was really hoping to do something with you.”

“Me too,” Lilly said.
“Skank,” Gretchen said.

“Bitch,” Lilly replied.

“Oh, don’t worry ladies,” Chad said. “I can still stick it to the two of you.”

Eleanor pulled the phone out of her pocket. “I knew it! You love your penis and you are ruled by it! I’m calling the cops!”

“No, no!” Chad said. “Gender is fluid!”

“Oh,” Eleanor said as she returned the phone to her pocket. “I forgot about it.”

“Today I hate my penis, thus allowing me to use the ladies’ room,” Chad said. “But for all I know, I might start loving the little guy again and may even feel manly enough to give it to Lucy and Gretel over there.”

“Lilly,” Lilly said.

“Gretchen,” Gretchen added.

“I’m a monster,” Eleanor said. “Please forgive me.”

Chad unleashed a torrent of plops right into the toilet. “It’s a tall order but I’ll try.”

“Thank you,” Eleanor said. “You’re very brave.”

“I know,” Chad replied.

“Damn it,” Britney muttered under her breath. “He can even charm lesbians.”

“What?” Eleanor asked.

“Oh nothing,” Britney said as she leaned up against the wall.

All of a sudden, the pipe connecting to Chad’s toilet rumbled.

“Jesus, Chad,” Britney said. “Is that you?”

“I don’t think so,” Chad replied.

“RAAARRRRRGHHHH!” A loud, beastly roar filled the bathroom. The wall of the stall flew off. It sailed through the air before landing on top of the four girls, pinning them to the ground.

Chad had no idea what was consuming him. All he knew was that something sharp, actually many sharp somethings, were shredding his torso, tearing him and grinding him apart, mashing his body into mush and spraying his body and bits everywhere.

“Oh God!” were Chad’s last words. “I haven’t banged enough chicks yet! Oh God!”

Britney’s vision was blurry, a condition caused by her head smacking into the bathroom floor. She pulled herself out from underneath the stall wall and crawled along the watery floor. The broken pipe sent gallons everywhere.

“Hissssssss….”

Britney turned her head toward the scary sound. Her eyes started to focus. For a brief moment, she caught site of what her brain registered as an enormous, menacing, toothy lizard. It stared at Britney. Britney stared back, then she passed out.

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Zom Fu = #677 in Wattpad Horror

Hey 3.5 readers.

Your old pal BQB here.

Check it out.  Zom Fu is #677 in Wattpad Horror:

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If you’re a Wattpadder, maybe consider giving it a vote, or a comment, or some feedback on how I can make it better.  I mean, it’s a tale that involves kung fu AND zombies, so it is already pretty awesome, but if you have suggestions I am all ears.

Thank you 3.5.

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Six Weeks of Toilet Gator Sundays!

Truly, the longest meaningful commitment I’ve ever made…

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Random Things to Blog About #101-125

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#101 – Key lime pie.  Do you always check to make sure the limes used to make it were from the actual Florida Keys before you eat it?

#102 – Favorite card game

#103 – Most embarrassing moment

#104 – Pugs – adorable or ugly?

#105 – Why isn’t ninja an occupation that you can go to college for?

#106 – Shakespeare: overrated or underrated?

#107 – Write a haiku

#108 – Favorite flower

#109 – When it rains, is it God crying or peeing?

#110 – Are the people on television just tiny people that were squeezed into your TV set?

#111 – Your creepiest deja vu experience

#112 – Is it better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all?

#113 – Name one way you would change the world if you could.

#114 – Is money the most important thing in life or is it the root of all evil?

#115 – What’s your favorite smell?

#116 – What’s your least favorite smell?

#117 – If you were standing in a room where your most and least favorite smells were combined, would you be sad, happy, or conflicted?  (For example, someone puts a warm apple pie and a rotten fish in the same room with you.)

#118 – When was the last time you played with a frisbee?  Why don’t you play frisbee more?

#119 – What’s the most expired food item you have in your kitchen at this very moment?  Take a photo, post it, and write about it.  Once I found a bottle of vinegar from a food store that had been closed in my area for twenty years.  It was hard to tell whether or not it had gone bad because it was vinegar (it always smells bad) but I threw it out to be safe.  I’m not sure why I had vinegar in the first place.  Who the hell uses vinegar anyway?

#120 – If you formed a band, what would it be called?

#121 – Your best memory

#122 – Michael Jackson: Musical genius, incredibly odd weirdo, or both?

#123 – Favorite travel destination

#124 – Isn’t it weird that planes can fly?  I mean, yeah, there are scientists that can explain how planes fly but still, it is hard to wrap your head around it when you really think about it.

#125 – Ketchup – should it go on everything or just some things?  What are those things?  Perhaps you are one of those people who believe it should go on nothing?  What are you, a Communist?

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Best Pickup Lines #76-100

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#76 – Hey baby.  I have some lotion and I would love it if you would put it in my basket.  Remember, if you don’t put it in the basket, you’ll get the hose again.

#77 – Pardon me, I know this sounds rude and offensive, but I just have to say you have an amazing body.  It would look fabulous in my crawlspace.

#78 – Does this rag I just pulled out of my pocket smell like chloroform to you?

#79 – You look so beautiful I just want to kiss you.  But first, can you sign these forms in triplicate stating your assent to me kissing you?  Also, we’ll need to find a late night drive-through notary office before we can get down to business.

#80 – You’ll probably never do any better than me.  I’ll probably never do any better than you.  Let’s just give up and be together already.  It’s not like anyone else is kicking down the door for us.

#81 – Oh, you like my outfit?  Good because the 1970s called and they said they will never take it back.

#82 – Let’s make some bad decisions.  Put me at the top of the list.

#83 – I look way better in the dark.  In fact, there are no lightbulbs in my place.

#84 – Can I just take a quick selfie with you so all my social media followers will assume I have something going on even though I clearly don’t?

#85 – Maybe’s there’s a python in my pants.  Maybe it’s just a lowly worm.  Pants roulette, baby.  Pants roulette.

#86 – I’m the best man I know but I admit I don’t know many people.

#87 – Let’s make this quick.  I have to get back to Gotham City and fight the Joker.  Shh, don’t tell anyone I told you that.

#88 – Am I ugly or are you just very judgmental?

#89 – I love to workout.  Every day I curl two pints of Ben and Jerry’s right into my pie hole.

#90 – Our children would no doubt look like hideous mutants.

#91 – Get out of my dreams…and into my pants.  No, wait!  My car!  Sorry, I always screw up that song.

#92 – Do you have a photo of your mother?  I’d like to know up front whether or not you’ll still be bone-able in twenty years.

#93 – Are you a member of PETA?  Good, because I’m one dirty animal that needs to be saved.

#94 – I look much better in my gimp mask.  Trust me.

#95 – Baby, you should stop smoking.  You’re hot enough already.

#96 – Where are your friends?  Before I date you I need to know you are the hottest one in the batch.

#97 – I can haz vagina?

#98 – McDonald’s on me baby.  Your choice of one item on the value menu, or you can have a Happy Meal but I get to keep the toy.

#99 – Maybe I’m a frog.  Maybe I’m a prince.  You’ll never know until you kiss me, girl.

#100 – I’m the lead singer in my boy band.

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