Monthly Archives: March 2017

This Is Not Al Pacino

I still think the Bookshelf Battle Cast may be a lackluster endeavor, unlikely to ever get off the ground.

However, I have enjoyed being roasted by various Fiverr comedians.  Here, “Not Al Pacino” has his way with me, Scent of a Woman Style.  Umm…I may have used erroneous phrasing just now.

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Video Game Rack Fighter’s Mass Effect: Andromeda Journal – First Thoughts

By: Video Game Rack Fighter, Official Bookshelf Battle Blog Video Game Correspondent

 

Hey 3.5 nerds.

Video Game Rack Fighter here, taking a break from Car Thief Mayhem to talk about Mass Effect: Andromeda.

This go around, a contingent of space travelers have left the Milky Way in search of greener pastures (and planets) in the Andromeda Galaxy.

I’m only an hour or two into the gameplay.  My initial thoughts:

  • I’m not as big a fan of the character face/body customization options this time.  In the last game, I had my own version of Shepard that I used in all three games.  This time, I couldn’t really make one that I liked so I just went with the default.  I admit it could be that I’m too impatient to work with the options until I find one I like.
  • I do like that you get a twin.  I don’t know for sure but I assume this is for those folks who wondered what they were missing out on when they played Mass Effect as male or female Shepard.  (Were you missing out on FemShep if you were ManShep and vice-versa?)  You can make the twins the same sex, but why not dip your toes in both waters?
  • I’m mildly concerned that there hasn’t been much of a chance to shop or visit space stations or make friends or hump anyone.  These were the most fun parts of the original and they must be reproduced here.

What say you, 3.5 readers?  Are you playing?  What do you think?  I’ll keep posting my thoughts as I move forward.

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Top Ten Online Dating Profile Mistakes

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Ahh, dating, that most antiquated of human rituals.  He plays coy.  She plays hard to get. Will they or won’t they?  On and on the dance goes.  Where it stops, nobody knows.

But perhaps you aren’t one to belly up to the bar, watering hole, or other public gathering place in order to seek a mate.  Perhaps you prefer to sign up for one of those websites that includes a veritable meat market catalog of eligible bachelors and bachelorettes.

If so, you’re pal BQB is here to help you avoid some errors.  From BQB HQ in Fabulous East Randomtown, it’s the Top Ten Online Dating Profile Mistakes:

#10 – “If you are/for/believe in X, swipe left!”

That’s rather judgmental, isn’t it?

Many online daters will write something in their profiles that says something like:

  • The Clippers are my favorite team so if you don’t like them then move on!
  • If you voted for X candidate, swipe left!
  • If you hate cats, see you later!
  • If you don’t like pizza, go away!

Really?  I mean, you think these things are important to you but perhaps that will all go by the way side for the right person.  Ladies, suppose a super hunky stud muffin is looking at your profile and about to click on it so he can take you on a date and dote upon you with his millions of dollars but then he’s like, “Well, I don’t really like the Clippers…”

And really?  Are you really going to put your cat over your potential love if you meet someone perfect for you but he/she has a cat allergy?  I know your scruffy little buddy has always been there for you but surely some sort of arrangement could be worked out.  Perhaps for the right one you might be able to find a nice alternative home for your fluffy friend and visit once in awhile.

Politics might be a more delicate issue and I suppose two people who would constantly bicker about who would be the best at running the country are unlikely to get along.  Then again, you never know.  Maybe you two can learn to love one another enough to not force your opinions on each other – love each other by day, then go to the polls at night and cancel each other out with your opposing votes.

#2 – Putting Up (ONLY) a Better than Usual Photo

We all have managed to take at least photo whereby, with the right combination of lighting, lens and angle manipulation, makes us look like a supermodel.

Maybe go ahead and use that, but also throw up some photos of what you look like on an average, day to day basis.  I’m not saying take a photo of you in your underpants with a cat under your left arm, a trail of crumbs on your chest and a half-eaten bag of potato chips in your right arm, but perhaps just a nice pic of you in casual attire will do.

So what if you’re a little bit chubby, ugly or odd looking?  Being honest about it just means the jerk faces that care about such trivial matters won’t waste your time while you search for the person who won’t care about your flabby belly, crow’s feat, widow’s peak, basketball sized nose goiter or what have you.

#3 – Putting Up a Photo of Yourself with Someone of the Opposite Sex

Ladies, I’d be curious to have your input on what you assume when a man’s dating profile features photos of the guy with other women.  I’d wager that there would be some women who would be like, “Huh, he must have something good going on if he has that much stank on his hang low,” but for the most part, the woman that you want to bring home to meet your mother will probably be annoyed.

I can give you the male opinion on what men think when they see a dating profile photo featuring the woman with other men.  I spoke with all the other men at the recent man meeting and they authorized me to speak for all mankind on this very important issue by a vote of 198,999 burps to 77 farts.  There was one armpit squeak in abstention due to a conflict of interest.

Basically, we don’t like it.  My assumption is “Oh.  Here’s a woman with 300 guy friends.  She’ll hang out with them all the time and tell all her personal stuff to them and talk about me to them even though I should be the most important guy in her life.  If I look at another girl for a second, she’ll rip my head off but she’ll think it’s fine that she’s with all these dudes all the time.  She’ll say they are just friends but I, like Biz Markie, know better.  She may even be naive enough into thinking these dudes are not interested in her on a physical level, but as the owner of a penis, I know that all men are interested in their female friends on a physical level and are only settling for friendship in the hopes that it will be upgraded to a romantic relationship.”

Gay people, I’m a time traveler from the 1990s who just happens to reside in your current time, so I don’t know how to advise you.  I assume that gay dudes aren’t a fan when they see a photo of someone they like with another dude.  I assume that lesbians don’t like to see the lesbians they like with other lesbians.  Apologies if I’m wrong.  I’m from the 90s, but I try my best to stay woke.

Now, it’s a free country.  Maybe you want to put that vibe of “I’m a partying free spirit and I’m out there ready to mix and mingle with lots of people.”  And maybe these people in your photo really, truly are just friends but…the person on your dating profile doesn’t know that.

#4 – Talk Down About Yourself

“Oh, on the weekends, I like to paint but that’s dumb I guess.”

NO!  You are the next Van Gogh!  “On the weekends, I like to relax, paint brush in hand, waiting for inspiration to strike.”

Talk yourself up.  Don’t worry.  If you get married, your significant other will have many, many years to talk down to you.

#5 – Poor Spelling

This probably won’t be a problem for everyone but like, say a dude is looking at a babe’s profile and it is all misspelled.  The dude’s going to assume she’s dumb.  Oh wait, a dumb girl…hmmm…if she’s that dumb she might go for you then, dude.  Carry on!

#6 – Lies

Don’t say you’re a billionaire venture capitalist by day and a masked vigilante crimefighter by night with your own mansion and a yacht and a butler if you do and have none of these things.  She’ll figure it out eventually.

#7 – Don’t Be Sad and/or Inform Your Potential Dates About All Your Problems

“Well, I’m just getting back out there to the dating world after my ex-wife, that miserable she-beast, ran off with my best friend and all of my money and our kids and my dog.  I’m trying to scrape my life together, but it’s been tough since my house burnt down and also I’m in recovery for Mentos popping addiction due to a time when I popped the Freshmaker two at a time to distract myself about how sad I was for being unemployed due to the fact that I was recovering from a penis transplant because my original penis got caught in a shredder.”

Tough one.  Don’t lie.  Don’t deceive.  But…maybe just don’t let it all hang out there at first?  Women are pretty good about peeling back your stinky layers until they reveal the smelly onion inside.  It’ll be up to them if they still want that onion, if they feel it is worth Febrezing. But you only get seconds to make a good first impression so you don’t want to come off as a sad sack straight out of the gate.

#8 – Saying Things That Sound Good but Are Meaningless

“I like happy times on a Saturday night, cozy days with friends, and warm Summer frolics.”

WTF?  Tell me what you like to do, dummy.  I want to know if we like to do the same things.  Do you like watching Game of Thrones and shoving pizza in your face?  Really?  I also love to watch Game of Thrones and shove pizza into my face.  Let’s get together and watch Game of Thrones and shove pizza into our faces.

But wait, what?  You like to run triathlons and can bench press a Kia Sportage?  I can do neither of those things.  I would slow you down.  Good day to you madam.  It is a good thing you were honest so we didn’t waste each others’ time with our vastly different interests.

#9 – Be Lame

If you think it’s lame, it’s lame.  Don’t post that photo of you with your ventriloquist dummy, unless you are one of the few millionaire ventriloquist performers in the world.  Even then, you might want to hold off on it.

Don’t talk about how you are a mama’s boy or post photos of your action figure collection or what have you.  Remember, these stinky layers will eventually be peeled.  You don’t want to throw all your stink at a lady in one sitting.  She needs to ease into the stink slowly.  Dish out the stink in small amounts until she’s too in love to care about the sum total of your voluminous stink.

#10 – Be Shirtless

Well…hmm.  I may or may not be wrong here.  I’ve never had a physique that I’ve been dying to show off so what would I know, really?  My assumption is that yes, dude, if you have a studly physique, a shirtless pic might get you some interested ladies…but again, the nice one you want to bring home to meet your parents would probably frown upon you being so public with your pecs.

But again, what would I know?  I’d post a shirtless pic, but the Internet could never handle that much manly chest hair.

My attorney reminds you I have no idea what I’m talking about.  This post was just in good fun and taking anything I said as advice that you should or should not follow could have disastrous results.

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Daily Discussion with BQB – Pulp Fiction is the Best Movie Ever

At least I think it is and most Generation Xers do.  What say you, 3.5 readers?

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Top Ten Reasons Why You Need a Mustache

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Ahh, the mustache.  They were all the rage in the 1980s.  Imagine the thought process.  “Sure, I’ll shave my cheeks and chin but damn it, my upper lip must be clothed in manly hair!”

Nowadays you have a better chance finding a public pay phone than you do a dude with lip fur.  That’s lame, says I.  I’m bringing back the ‘stache.  Who’s with me?

From Bookshelf Q. Battler Headquarters in Fabulous East Randomtown, here are the Top Ten Reasons Why You Need a Mustache:

#10 – You can be like Magnum P.I.  Tom Selleck, or his alter ego Magnum, was never without poon.  1980s women digged hair so much they wanted to see it on their man’s lip while he was talking to them.

#9 – Keeps your lip warm.  You want a frostbitten lip?  Fine, then shave.  Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

#8 – “Free Mustache Rides!”  I’ve never tried that line on a lady, but I have no reason to believe a lady would find that to be not amusing.  (The Bookshelf Battle Blog is not responsible if you try this line on a lady who finds it not amusing.)

#7 – They make you look smarter.  It’s like you spend so much time studying you don’t have time to shave your lip.

#6 – You can get a mustache comb, the greatest of all combs.

#5 – You can wax it.  Who doesn’t want to wax their facial hair?

#4 – You can curl it at the ends.  Just don’t tie a damsel in distress to the train tracks a la Snidely Whiplash.  That is frowned upon.  Also illegal and uncool, bro.

#3 – Your face is too cool to hide behind a beard, but your lip needs a little something.

#2 – Because you can grown one, so why not?

#1 – Nothing says, “I’M A MAN!” like a good mustache.

 

 

 

 

 

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Zom Fu – Chapter 55

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The lightning flowed into the Staff of Ages and surged with in it. Dragonhand laughed maniacally. “Muah ha ha! When everyone is dead, China shall be mine!”

The clicking of a tongue broke the fiend’s concentration. “Tsk, tsk, tsk. My worst student. Do you not realize that if everyone is dead, there will be nothing left in China that is worth ruling? How very sad the irony is lost on you.”

Dragonhand looked the ghost before him. “Yaozu, you pathetic has-been. You look so much better this way.”

“I admit the look has grown on me,” the Infallible Master replied.

Junjie stepped up next to his master. The fiend laughed and laughed and laughed.

“What?” Dragonhand asked. “You’ve brought your weakling for me to finish him off?”

Junjie laughed. The Infallible Master laughed. Dragonhand laughed. The lightning continued to pour in from the ceiling and down into the Staff of Ages as the trio shared a guffaw.

Fwoosh! Junjie’s fist caught on fire. He formed a fire ball in his hands. He caressed it, packed it as if it were a snowball. It grew larger and larger until finally, he hurled it at his adversary. Dragonhand knocked the ball out of air with a fire ball of his own.

“What the?” was the best response Dragonhand was able to muster.

A powerful stream of fire poured of of Junjie’s right hand. Dragonhand deflected the attack with another fire stream. The opponents pushed their flames toward one another, desperately trying to gain ground until….KABOOM! The flames exploded in the center of the throne room.

“My, my, my,” Dragonhand said. “Whose brain have you been nibbling on, boy?”

“The Staff of Ages did not select you, for obvious reasons,” the Infallible Master said. “I’ll have you return it to its rightful owner, if you please.”

“Oh, who cares what you want, old man,” Dragonhand said. “Why are you still here, anyway? Too much of a coward to face Diyu?”

“Perhaps,” the Infallible Master replied. “Then again, perhaps I’m too honorable to leave this world without rectifying the mistake I left behind.”

Junjie raised his flaming fists.

“Ahh,” Dragonhand said. “You violated your sacred duty as the jailer of Shaoshang, didn’t you, Yaozu? And now, in seeking to destroy me, you have unleashed an even more dangerous monster.”

“There isn’t a monster on this earth more dangerous than you,” the Infallible Master replied.

“With all of the horrors that lurk within Shaoshang’s brain, it would be impossible for any man to consume it without becoming a sadistic creature,” Dragonhand said.

“Junjie is the greatest student I have ever had…”

Dragonhand snarled as he shot a fireball that passed right through the old man’s ghost form. “I was the best student you ever had!”

“Clearly you weren’t or you would not be dishonoring me as you do now,” the Infallible Master said.

“Clearly I was and you were just too much of a senile old fool to recognize it!” Dragonhand said.

“Junjie is the best student I ever had,” the Infallible Master repeated. “And he is the best man I have ever known. Shaoshang’s madness does not importune his senses one iota.”

Dragonhand returned his gaze to the Staff of Ages. The purple ruby grew brighter and brighter. “Fools. I’ll waste no more time on a dead man…or a boy soon to be dead.”

Lightning struck the Staff of Ages over and over again.

“Yes,” the Infallible Master said. “Take the easy way out, as you always do, as you always have done.”

Dragonhand’s interested was piqued. “The easy way?”

“My worst student could never possibly defeat my best student in a fair fight,” the Infallible Master said.

The fiend looked at Junjie, then at the Staff. “Damn you, Yaozu!”

The lightning stopped pouring in from the roof. The fiend pointed the staff at his old master. “I will show you once and for all who your best student was!”

“I’m counting on it,” the Infallible Master said.

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Daily Discussion with BQB – The Oakland Raiders are Moving to Las Vegas

The Oakland Raiders are moving to Las Vegas, 3.5 readers.  I suppose that’s sad for the people of Oakland but good for Vegas, since it’s a popular tourist destination city and thus could make a lot of money by having an NFL team.

Otherwise, do we really have an opinion on this?  We’re all nerds who don’t know anything about football here, right?  What say you, 3.5?

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You people drive a hard bargain…

Fine.  Forget 3,500 followers.  If I can get 2,500 WordPress followers, I will hire the chainsaw juggler to do a celebratory video.  That’s only 400 followers, people.  Tell your homies.

Ask the Alien – How Do Aliens Have Sex?

By: Alien Jones, Official Bookshelf Battle Blog Intergalactic Correspondent

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Greetings Earth losers.

Alien Jones here, only don’t tell anyone I’m here, for I’m deep undercover in the back quarter of Troobalax, posing as a knockoff brassiere purchaser in the hopes of apprehending an intergalactic female undergarment forgery ring.  I must say, of all the wild goose chases the Mighty Potentate has sent me on, this one takes the cake.  I may have finally found a gig that comes with less respect than babysitting Bookshelf Q. Battler in his ridiculously long quest to publish a novel.

By the way, do you know that there are some alien species that have up to five hundred breasts?  That’s a lot of underwire.

Today’s question comes from one of BQB’s 3.5 readers, a Mr. Carlton Stumperfish of East Kramperblatt, South Dakota:

Dear Alien Jones,

How do aliens have sex?  Please explain in painstaking, excruciating detail and provide multiple examples if possible.  I swear I am only asking for scientific purposes and I’m not pumping a bottle of Jergen’s into my hand as we speak.

Sincerely,

One of BQB’s 3.5 Readers

Lies!  I can see into your bedroom with my high-powered x-ray telescope and you’re reaching for the motion lotion as we speak.  You sir, are not only a pervert but also a liar.

Close your eyes.  You don’t deserve to read this information.  The rest of you 2.5 readers may gladly read on in the name of sexual science.

A loaded question if there ever was one.  First, does my species have sex?  No.  My beings and I are clones who have evolved past the need for sexual organs.  Thus, without the need to constantly find something or someone to hump, we have had plenty of time to pursue a wide variety of subjects, thus making my home planet the most important planet in the universe when it comes to scientific achievement, cultural achievement and so on.

As for other species?  Yes.  Yes they do it.  And how.  A sampling of the most interesting sexual practices I’ve encountered in my many years:

  • Porthons – Large, beastly, buffalo-like creatures who charge at each other at a rate of over two hundred miles per hour.  When they collide, the cause a sonic boom that knocks the glass out of every building within a fifty mile radius.  Alas, Porthon isn’t a very developed planet when it comes to real estate.  However, the residents don’t seem to care as they are too busy making sonic booms.
  • Zenfenians – These beings are so fast that they can literally be doing it right in front of your eyes and you wouldn’t even know…because they are so fast.
  • The Gukfar – the Gukfar are proud beings, totally reliant on thousands of years of tradition.  The mating ritual begins when the female performs, “The Dance of the Ample Egg Pouch,” followed by thirteen and a half weeks of shouting, “Nonny, nonny, boo boo!”  The male then goes on a vision quest for seven years and only returns when he has found a musical instrument played by a tribal elder.  He then uses it to slay no less than ninety-seven lizards.  He roasts their flesh, then drinks a tea that puts him in a deep trance.  The woman’s father then seeks the permission of the tribal council to allow his daughter and her suitor to bump uglies.  Permission is only granted if the father can guess the number the council is thinking of.  He must win the best two out of three.  Finally, when the stars are aligned, the female may put her egg sack on display.  The male then dumps a heavy layer of Tabasco sauce on it and well, you can imagine what happens next.
  • Zebatars – They can have sex with their minds.  Beware, if a Zebatar is looking at you funny, he may be having his way with you.  Then again, he could just have bad gas.

All in all, there are 12,034,234,653,827,029,469,235,555,888,999,235,701.5 known sexes in the universe.  Kind of makes you humans with your paltry two types of private parts seem like slouches, doesn’t it?

Obviously, that’s too many types of genitals to discuss here, but needless to say, never offer to shake an alien’s hand.  Sure you might be shaking a hand or you might be shaking, well…you know.

Now if you’ll excuse me, 3.5 readers, these bra criminals aren’t going to bust themselves.  Punny.

Alien Jones is the Bookshelf Battle Blog’s intergalactic correspondent, graciously lending the power of his brain to answer your questions.

Ask the Alien a question and he may very well plug your book or blog in his answer. Ask questions in the comments or tweet them to @bookshelfbattle

Together, we can promote self-published material and ween the masses off reality television, a form of entertainment that Alien Jones’ boss, the maniacal alien despot known as “The Mighty Potentate” despises so much that he’s plotting an invasion of Earth just to stop it.

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