Monthly Archives: May 2018

Great Musings of the Twenty First Century – #301 – 325

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#301 – An item lost in dried cement can eventually be chiseled out, but it’s easier to pull it out before the cement hardens.

#302 – Boll weevils are neither bolls nor weevils.  Discuss.

#303 – I hope there’s not a cougar in my cupboard.

#304 – It saddens me that in all the time I spent trying to make a go of it in Hollywood, not a single executive made a pass at me.  It would have been unwelcomed, but still, it’s common courtesy.

#305 – I can never be sure if there’s a monster hiding under my bed unless I keep looking under my bed at all times.

#306 – The beautiful will never understand the plight of the ugly.

#307 – I’m not saying that Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were gay lovers.  It’s just that I can’t prove they weren’t.

#308 – Always pinch your produce before you buy it.

#309 – I’ve figured out a magnificent way to avoid sleeping outside when I travel: I stay in a hotel.

#310 – Elvis Presley’s greatest invention was the fried peanut butter and banana sandwich.  I prefer chunky peanut butter in mine.

#311 – Gray hair is a sign of experience…and also the loss of follicular pigmentation.

#312 – I’ll support raising the wage of fast food drive-thru workers to $15 on the day they get my order right.

#313 – Hijinx will get you nowhere.

#314 – Bacteria is never something you want present on top of your potatoes au gratin.

#315 – Fart in a can today and smell it tomorrow.

#316 – Deja vu is a freaky experience and by the way, deja vu is a freaky experience.

#317 – Madame, I’ll have you know I’m in the CIA – the Clitoral Investigation Agency.  Our motto: “We’ll find it sooner or later.”

#318 – Sure, you think its adorable when dolphins make all those little squeaky sounds, but keep in mind that the squeaks translate into a trail of obscenities that would make the most boorish longshoreman blush.

#319 – I will go to my grave thinking this thought: anyone who rides a rollercoaster and enjoys it is a total asshole.

#320 – Sugar is the best way I know to sweeten my coffee.

#321 – Eagle sex is  simultaneously the most disgusting yet exceptionally patriotic act you’ll ever witness.

#322 – Glory is the best reason to do something.

#323 – Abraham Lincoln earned his spot on the penny.

#324 – Dish rags can clean a dish, but what cleans the dish rag?

#325 – Adventure: it’s what’s for breakfast.

 

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Want to Help Me Promote the Last Driver?

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Hey 3.5 readers.

Your old pal, BQB here.

The first episode of my ongoing serial, “The Last Driver,” will, if all goes to plan, come out on Amazon in June.

This story is set in a future where human driven cars are obsolete.  Everyone relies on self-driven cars to get where they need to go and naturally, there’s a dystopian government that’s happy to use this technology to keep tabs on its subjects, i.e. where they are going, what time, who they are with, etc.

Enter 63 year-old Frank Wylder.  In 2050, he may look like a doddering old man, but in his youth, he was a getaway driver for a bank heist ring.  As the last man alive who can still drive a regular car, rebels kidnap his granddaughter, forcing him to get behind the wheel again and take on global government dubbed, “The One World Order.”

I like to call it “Fast and Furious” meets “Orwell’s 1984.”  Since self-driving cars are pre-programmed to obey traffic laws, Frank will be able to put the pedal to the metal and outfox the Order every step of the way.

Meanwhile, there’s some relevance to today’s politics.  The Order is an extension of “globalism” or the idea that power should be held by the world brought to fruition, i.e. in the form of a world government.  The rebels, the “Nationalists” don’t like this at all and want to go back to dividing power up among individual countries.

That’s basically the short skinny.  And hey, look, I’m not about to say I’m a fantastic guest, that I’ll bring you all kinds of accolades if you help me out (I’m pretty honest my site only gets 3.5 readers).

But anyway, if you’re interested, I’d love to a) get interviewed by you, maybe send me some questions I can write the answers to or b) write a guest post about my book for your blog or what have you.

If you can help me out, I’d appreciate it.  I’d love to just be featured on a bunch of blogs this summer to get the word out on this, my first peace of fiction.

No biggie.  Just a cool idea for a post if you have writer’s block.

We can get into the nitty gritty – the future, self-driving cars, tech, nationalism vs. globalism politics…or we can skip all that and talk about self publishing and the process of getting a book finished and up for sale.

Thanks,

BQB

P.S. Isn’t that cover awesome?

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Daily Discussion with BQB – Increase School Security Today

Hey 3.5 readers.

Your old pal, BQB here.

I usually don’t get political on this fine blog.  I want it to be enjoyed by all…of my 3.5 readers.

But this is an issue I wrote about after the Parkland school shooting and sadly, I’m writing about it again after the shooting in Santa Fe, Texas.

Look, I get it.  Gun control is a tough issue.  There are so many strong feelings on either side.

But let’s be honest…while we hope the gun-less utopia, a world where everyone voluntarily throws down their arms because everyone has become so kind, caring and trustable, is coming, it clearly isn’t coming anytime soon.

Listen, in the 1800s, did the world wait when desperados stuck up Old West banks?  Did we say, “Oh, we won’t secure these banks, we’ll just wait for a day when everyone becomes nice enough to not rob banks anymore.” No, they pinned tin stars on the chests of surly, bearded, tobacco chawing U.S. Marshalls to hunt down the bank robbers.  Today, go into a big bank and you’ll see all kinds of guards and security measures.

When terrorists struck on 9/11, did we wait and say, “Oh, we’ll wait until the day comes when no one wants to do anything evil with a plane.”  No.  The department of Homeland Security was started, the whole governmental intelligence gathering/law enforcement apparatus was overhauled and airport security was increased.  We haven’t had a plane hijacking since, knock on wood.

Does it suck that we live in an age where schools require armed guards?  Yes.  Will their presence at schools intimidate the kids?  I mean, if you think about it, you see so many police and security guards all day long, wherever you go – banks, major attractions, airports, subways, etc.  Do you ever feel oppressed when you see them?  Probably not.

Every school should have a security assessment and doors should be secured.  They should be made such that there’s only one way to enter and that entrance comes with having to go through a metal detector staffed by armed guards.  You go through security at so many other locations, so this shouldn’t be a problem.

Yeah, I know.  You might say, “Well, that sucks that kids have to be shaken down by security every day” but we have to realize there is an ongoing pattern that has emerged the past twenty years.

Basically, the shooter is almost always a troubled young boy who gets his hands on a gun and after years of being picked on, or teased, made fun of, etc. he decides he’s going to get even.  Young people often have no comprehension of how long life is and how some of the things that seem awful when they are teenagers will one day become things they will barely remember when they are adults.

Video games are more violent than ever.  So are movies.  And with the Internet, kids have exposure to all sorts of naughty stuff you couldn’t have dreamed of seeing as a kid many years ago.

Worse, you’ve got the “me” culture and even worse, “the fame culture” where everyone seems to think the best thing you can do in life is to become famous and it doesn’t matter if you become famous for doing something bad.

We have to be honest here.  Yes, guns are a problem but also, keep in mind that up until twenty years ago, people had guns and yet, school shootings were not a regular occurrence.  Not saying everyone in those days were perfect, but there’s been a breakdown somewhere that so many kids end up deciding to do a school shooting.

Maybe we’ll get to the gunless, peaceful utopia someday. Until then, tighten up school security.

Thank you.  This is BQB, signing off. I’d run for president and solve the world’s problems myself, but I wouldn’t have time to write on this exceptional blog.

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Movie Review – Deadpool 2

Is the second verse as good as the first?

Time to make the chimichangas, 3.5 readers. BQB here with a review of “Deadpool 2.”

It’s hard for me to say anything disparaging about this movie, 3.5 readers.  The first film was witty, clever, funny and all in all and left me with that feeling of, “Wow, I’ve just seen something new and different.”

Thus, when you go to watch a sequel, there’s often a feeling that maybe the guild is off the lilly and in a way, that’s true.  You’ve met Ryan Reynolds’ Deadpool now and you know what he’s capable of, both in terms of action and hilarity.  So while that “new car smell” isn’t there anymore, you still expect a quality ride and that is delivered.

In this go-around, Deadpool, the merc with the mouth, finds himself in the unenviable position of being an X-Man trainee, short shirt and all.  While working with his old pals Colossus (Stefan Kapicic) and Negasonic Teenage Warhead (Briana Hildebrand), he comes across the chubby and angry, wayward adolescent Russell/Fire Fist (Julian Dennison), who has been making mischief with his fire shooting hands and can’t seem to be controlled by anyone.

Enter Cable (Josh Brolin), a grizzled soldier from a future where Russell has wreaked havoc on earth with his power.  He wants the kid dead, but Deadpool believes the boy can be redeemed.

Thus, our favorite trash talker in red creates “a super duper fucking group” featuring a wide ranging cast of characters I won’t get into other than to say that Zazie Beetz is a delight as Domino, the somewhat naive super hero whose one and only power is luck…marvel as trucks seem to crash just in time to avoid hitting her, there’s always a soft surface for her to land on when she falls and so on.  In a way, she’s a parody of every hero who manages to always narrowly miss a bullet, a collision or what have you.

It’s a great film – lots of action, lots of laughs.  Lots of inside jokes that you need to be a comic book nerd to get – i.e. Deadpool spends considerable amounts of time screwing with Professor X’s helmet and wheel chair, and continues to make Hugh Jackman and Ryan Reynolds as Green Lantern jokes galore.

The test of a good comedy for me is if I laugh uncontrollably and here, I did several times.  So, I do feel bad for pointing out that we’ll probably never get that crisp, fresh out of the wrapper feeling with Deadpool again, but the film doesn’t disappoint.

STATUS:  Shelf-worthy.

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Great Musings of the Twentieth Century – #276 – 300

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#276 – Never cross a ninja on an empty stomach.

#277 – I’m not highly opinionated, it’s just that what I think is accurate and what others think is idiotic.

#278 – Speedos are all the rage on the beaches of Monte Carlo.

#279 – My business associates at the important meeting were surprised to see my underwear in my briefcase, but if it’s called a “briefcase” then I can’t think of a better place to put my soiled undies.

#280 – Chalk can be used to make a lot of marks on a chalk board, but no matter how hard you try to erase your words, a little bit of them will always remain.

#281 – I’ve always wanted to try jerk chicken but I’ve never had a desire to get that intimate with poultry.

#282 – Nobody knows the trouble I’ve seen, except for other people who can be categorized according to my socioeconomic profile.

#283 – Clouds of dust make me wheeze.

#284 –  Ugly people are the best lovers.  They appreciate it more.

#285 – Cacti and porcupines are fun to have around until they become big pricks.

#286 – Crabs will never make good guests, whether on the beach or in the pants.

#287 – “Die Hard” will always be my favorite Christmas movie.

#288 – Geniuses are often maligned in life, only to be pined for in death.

#289 – Never get involved in a caper.

#290 – Has anyone ever actually cried a river?  What do you think made that person so sad in the first place?

#291 – Do caught fish feel like they’re being abducted by aliens when they are pulled out of water?  “I was eating a worm for lunch and next thing I know, I’m being pulled towards the light…”

#292 – My next car is going to be one of those bridge layer trucks used by the army to create bridges whenever they need one.  That way, whenever I drive to a canyon, I can just create my own bridge.

#293 – If you throw the object of your affection into the trash can by mistake, it’s not truly gone until it’s carted off to the dump.

#294 – Explosions in buildings = bad.  Explosions in my pants = a good time.

#295 – Tuesday is one day after Monday but also one day before Wednesday.

#296 – One time I ate a sandwich on the B-train.  That’s right.  I ate Subway on the subway.

#297 – You’ve heard of hard drives?  I’ve invented the world’s first soft drive.  It starts out the same as a hard drive, but then it is forced to watch Bea Arthur’s long lost sex tape on a continuous loop for three hours.

#298 – I could go for a good can of Diet Shasta Orange right about now.

#299 – If I had a nickel for every time someone gave me a nickel, I’d have very few nickels, because it’s not like there are many people running around, handing out free nickels these days.

#300 – I want to get one of those strings that people tie to the back of their glasses.  That way, I would never lose my glasses.

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Great Musings of the Twenty-First Century – #251-275

And now, Bookshelf Q. Battler, one of the greatest minds of the Twenty-First Century (but hey, the century is still young) will share his great musings…

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#251 – Sundays are for sleeping in.

#252 – He who stands out in the rain without an umbrella is likely to end up all wet.

#253 – Col. Mustard is guilty of all “Clue” related crimes.

#254 – I’ve never seen a geyser.

#255 – All the hot older female celebrities I used to jerk off to in the 1990s have AARP cards now.  Eat a dick, time.

#256 – “Rutabaga” is fun to say.

#257 – Chivalry may not be dead, but it’s on life support.

#258 – It’s been awhile since I’ve taken part in tomfoolery.

#259 – Sigh.  Whenever I fly, I’m inevitably stuck between a fat man and a crying baby.  Just once, I’d like to be stuck between a fat baby and a crying man.

#260 – I wonder if Zeus is still around.  Wait, what’s that thundering sound?

#261 – I put my pants on the same way as anybody else:  two legs at a time after I jump off a trampoline and land a perfect dismount into them.

#262 – There goes the neighborhood.

#263 – End the drug war today and let big box stores sell crack already.

#264 – Thanksgiving must be an interesting time at the Fett household.

#265 – Show me a man who writes “Firefly” fan fiction and I’ll show you a man who can make a vagina drier than the Mojave.

#266 – I wonder what my old baseball cards are worth today.

#267 – I’ve never made love in an elevator.

#268 – Most foods are improved with a little sprinkle of parmesan cheese.

#269 – No one wears spurs anymore.

#270 – If asked by the local sheriff, I feel like it would be hard to turn down a request to join a posse.

#271 – I don’t need to be told how to get to Sesame Street.  I have a navigation app on my phone, thank you.

#272 – Skydiving will never be my bag.

#273 – I could go for a good episode of “NCIS” and a bowl full of cherries doused in a heaping helping of whipped cream right about now.

#274 – The first draft of the Declaration of Independence begins, “Yo, King, slurp on our big, fat, hairy colonial…”  Well, it stops there.  Assumably, Jefferson started over after that.

#275 – If “oranges” are orange, why aren’t grapes, “purples?”

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The Tim Horton’s Poop Thrower

Mother of God, 3.5 readers.  Mother of God, indeed.

Have you seen this video yet?  Thank God if you haven’t.  If you haven’t, maybe don’t watch it and retain your faith in humanity for another day.  If you have, holy crap, right?

If you are a brave person, watch this video that has been making the rounds and then reconvene below to discuss.  Do keep in mind though that it features: a) a lady pooping on the floor of a coffee shop b) the woman picking up the poop and throwing it at the employee and c) the women wiping her butt and throwing the poopy napkins at the employee.

And even though the poop part is blurry, you can still make out what’s happening sooo…OK my attorney says I have given you all fair warning and if you are traumatized by this then don’t say I didn’t warn you:

 

So, let’s discuss my salient observations:

#1 – Note this takes place in Canada.  Tim Horton’s is their version of Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts.  Canadians like to act all high and mighty, acting like they’re so much better than Americans but clearly there is one Canadian exhibiting some very shitty behavior.  Pun intended.

#2 – So, she grabs a napkin, then poops on the floor….and I can’t tell but I assume she uses the napkin to pick up the poop…so she doesn’t want to touch her own poop but she thinks its ok to throw the poop at the employee.

#3 – Apparently, based on news reports I’ve read, this was a dispute gone very, very wrong after the employee refused to let the woman use the bathroom and apparently, according to reports, the woman has had a history of causing trouble in this store.  I mean, holy crap, at this point, between Starbucks being accused of racism and now a lady throwing her poop…I mean, if I’m working at a coffee shop I’m just going to be like, screw it.  Sure, use the bathroom.  I’d rather clean up dookie off the floor with cleaning supplies than have one thrown at me or be accused of being a klansman or something.

#4 – Is Jane Goodall available for an interview?  I think her theory on how man evolved from monkeys has been proven given that this lady has monkey like poop throwing skills.

#5 – So…it wasn’t enough that she threw the poop, she had to also throw the poop wipes for an extra flourish.

#6 – Obviously, she really had to poop.  Like, you can’t fake that or poop on command.  She had a hot turd in the chamber because it was ready to go.

#7 – I have to give this lady some credit because she must be eating her roughage and getting lots of fiber in her diet.  You think I’m joking but I have studied this issue.  What you really want to shoot for is for your poops to just sail right out of your butt with little to no straining, and that’s often accomplished by drinking plenty of water and eating your vegetables.  But, if you’re skipping the vegetables and eating a lot of cheese and dairy and candy and junk food, well, let’s just say if that were me, I’d be like, “Oh yeah? You won’t let me use the bathroom?  Well, I’ll show you!  Ungh!  Ungh!  Unnnnnnnghhh!   Damn it, get me a newspaper!  Ungh…ungh…ungh…fuck!  Maybe if I hum this will go faster….tall and tan and long and lovely, the girl from Ipanema comes walking….UNGH!!!”

And that would leave the employee plenty of time to call the cops and by the time the fuzz arrives I’d still be pushing and the security footage would show like my face turning red and a vein popping out of my head.

So…disgusting as this is and frankly, she should do jail time for this, I have to hand it to this lady, maybe she has saved some lives here, because if your poops aren’t coming out in a clean, quick pinch like above, then you’ve definitely got to work on your diet and eat healthier.

Do you have any poopy observations?  Leave your shitty comments below.

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Daily Discussion with BQB – Are You Going to Watch the Royal Wedding?

Are you going to watch the royal wedding, 3.5 readers?

I hate to be “that guy” but I have a little reservation.  Meghan Markle is lovely and she and Prince Harry seem happy together…but…

35 READERS: How dare you rain on our parade, BQB?

Meghan is a) divorced and b) her parents are divorced and statistically speaking (look it up because I’m not making this up), your chances of divorcing your partner go up with every divorce you experience…if your parents get divorced then that means its more likely you will get divorced and the likelihood rises if you have been divorced yourself.

I assume the issue is that as a society, we are taught divorce is awful – you made a big promise and to get out of it, well, that means the world should stop spinning and life as you know it should cease to be…except…life carries on, doesn’t it?  Maybe life becomes a little harder, a little sadder, but the earth doesn’t fall off its access and life goes on.

So, I assume if you’re a kid and you see your parents split and that’s sad but then life goes on, and then you get divorced and well, once you rip off that band aid, it might be hard and it might hurt but the more band aids you rip off the easier it gets.

I know, that’s awful and people are more than statistics and stats aren’t everything and after all, they make a nice couple and seem very happy.

I also might be biased.  I briefly dated a woman who was divorced and the littlest thing wrong, like on the level of picking a restaurant she didn’t like or a movie she didn’t like or something, that would be enough for her to send her into a tizzy.

I’ve seen it in a friend’s marriage too.  He married a divorcee and sure enough, she threatens to leave at the drop of the hat.  Too many dishes in the sink = I’m leaving.  Toilet seat up?  I’m leaving.  Forgot to walk the dog? I’m leaving.  You bought the wrong brand of ketchup?  I’m leaving.  He’s way too patient.  I’d of told her to leave already.

But ok.  These are my personal biases coming into play.  I’m just saying if I were the Prince of England, I might have tried for a non-divorced woman but then again, you never know, sometimes going against the grain works and maybe if he had done that he would have ended up being mismatched with someone snooty.  Harry seems like he has always been the brother who defies convention (i.e. joining the army and insisting on fighting on the battlefield, etc).

I’m just saying if they get divorced it wouldn’t surprise me but screw it, in today’s age, if two people who had never been married before get divorced, that wouldn’t shock me either so I guess you just gotta go for that babe who revs your engine and hope for the best.

Discuss in the comments, 3.5 readers.

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Great Musings of the Twenty-First Century- #225 – #250

And now, Bookshelf Q. Battler, one of the greatest minds of the Twenty-First Century (but hey, the century is still young) will share his great musings…

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#225 – Politeness should come back in style.

#226 – Kung-fu should be a mandatory high school class.

#227 – Is this all just an elaborate attempt to make fun of Larry King?

#228 – Once you have squeezed a pair of DD’s, it’s hard to go smaller.

#229 – Napkins are fancy paper towels.

#230 – I’m going to change for the better…tomorrow.

#231 – Pumpkins are delicious all year long, not just October.

#232 – I should be nicer and count my blessings.

#233 – I bet you $100 I can quit gambling anytime I want.

#235 – I like the smell of my own farts.  I would spend all day in my own personal fart cloud if I could.

#236 – Firecrackers are just explosive devices on a smaller scale.

#237 – Does God ever pray to himself?

#238 – Squash is the only vegetable with a name that tells you how to prepare it.

#239 – Despite what the song says, it is impossible to walk on sunshine.  Anyone who tries to walk on the sun would burn up.  No one could ever get close enough to even try.

#240 – The word “moist” turns vaginas dry.

#241 – Memories are like the mind’s reruns.

#242 – Never befriend a shark.

#243 – I wonder if anyone has ever glued their nads to their leg before.  In the entire history of glue, surely it has happened once.  Why the alleged nad gluer put glue on his nads is anyone’s guess.

#244 – I miss rotary phones.  Old fashioned?  Yes, but no one was ever butt dialed with a rotary phone.

#245 – I’ve never seen the inside of my own butt so I can’t confirm its existence.

#246 – Leprosy is not a good time.

#247 – Oh boy.  Another superhero movie.

#248 – Change the subject and change your mind.

#249 – Any reality TV show camera crew that follows me around all day would be very bored.

#250 – No one carries handkerchiefs anymore and they should.  It’s sad.  People of the past cared a lot more about booger control than people of today do.

 

 

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Great Musings of the Twenty-First Century – #201-225

And now, Bookshelf Q. Battler, one of the greatest minds of the Twenty-First Century (but hey, the century is still young) will share his great musings…

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#201 – I wrote a whole slate of musings to put into this post and then I clicked the screen off by accident and they are gone forever…or are they?  They probably are.  I don’t think they are coming back.

#202 – Carrier pigeon is an efficient way to send a letter.

#203 – Yogurt looks like semen but tastes better, I assume.  Please note that I said, “I assume.”

#204 – I could go for a nice bowl of soup.

#205 – An unrowed boat will never go ashore.

#206 – Fish are nice pets, but it’s not a good idea to pet them.

#207 – Cheese can be grilled but it doesn’t boil well.

#208 – If it were possible to run around the world fast enough, you might, for a split second, catch a glimpse of your own ass as it runs away, visible to you as you round the bend and finish your global circumnavigation.

#209 – Beers sure can get you drunk if you guzzle enough of them.

#210 – Whenever you see a labradoodle, assume it’s the product of Labrador retriever on poodle fucking.

#211 – Wombats are neither bats nor woms.  Discuss.

#212 – Weeds are the douchebags of the garden.

#213 – It saddens me that saying, “Hey baby, nice dumper!” has gone from being considered a pleasant compliment to a rude, inappropriate statement.  What has the world come to?

#214 – When you need to chew something, you can’t go wrong with gum.

#215 – Coins are outdated.

#216 – I’m thinking about becoming a Navy Seal.  I can slap my fins together, but catching an uncooked fish in my mouth will take some doing.  That’s the kind of seal the Navy is looking for, right?

#217 – Ties are weird.  Who decided a long piece of cloth hanging down from a man’s neck is necessary?

#218 – Heists would be fun if they weren’t illegal or dangerous.

#219 – Whenever I’m at the end of my rope, I find more slack.

#220 – Barbecue sauce is the best of all sauces.

#221 – It’s a shame that bears look so huggable, and yet hugging them is such a bad idea.  What a waste.

#222 – What is foo and why do the Foo Fighters fight it?

#223 – How old do cowboys have to get before they become cowmen?

#224 – Between bacon and sausage, bacon is the superior breakfast meat.

#225 – A straw is the best way to get liquid into your mouth without having to touch your lips to the container holding the liquid in question.

 

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