Tag Archives: Movies

Movie Review: Alien: Covenant (2017)

Zzzz.  Zzzz.  Zzzz.

That’s my impression of myself sleeping through this boring poopfest.

Sigh, let’s get it over with.  BQB here with a review of Alien: Covenant.

Does Ridley Scott even make movies for the audience anymore?  Sometimes I think they might just be for his own philosophical, navel gazing purposes.

In the original Alien (1979) we saw Sigourney Weaver play space traveler Ripley, taking out aliens with a flamethrower.  Flash forward 38 years and we’ve got friggin melancholy androids waxing poetic about their feelings and beside themselves with ennui.

The first few Alien films were great because they were essentially horror films set in space.  In fact, I caught a clip of an interview recently where Scott said something to the effect that the first film was essentially setting up a haunted house in the form of a spaceship, turning a monster lose in the form of an alien and seeing who makes it out alive.

Alas, now we get films that you practically have to be a philosophy major to understand.

Ironically, 2012’s Prometheus was panned by the critics, arguing it was heavy on the thinking and light on the action.  Personally, I liked it and the questions it asked about the universe, creation, the meaning of life, our place and purpose and so on.

However, I had hoped this film would be a return to form (i.e. give us someone else to shoot a flame thrower at those damn aliens) but sadly, no.  More navel gazing.

In this go around, a ship named the Covenant carries a crew full of colonists in search of a new home world.  They land on what they hope will be their new home but…blah blah blah, they become lunch instead.

Sure, the xenomorphs are given free reign to snack on the humans.  However, most of the human vs. alien scenes are predictable if you’ve ever seen any of the previous films.

Bottomline:  if you see a dude coughing, you know an alien’s going to pop out of his chest and start attacking everyone.  If you see a dude look into a dark hole with a dumb look on his face, you know that face is about to get sucked on by a face sucker.

Those aren’t spoilers.  Those are tried and true Alien franchise rules that have been in effect since the Carter administration.

Michael Fassbender brings a certain level of coolness by playing dueling androids David and Walter, a pair of synthetics who have opposing viewpoints about…well, just go watch it.

For the most part, it’s an ensemble cast, mostly filled with newcomers and no-names.  Funnyman Danny McBride puts on his serious face as the crew’s pilot, but I keep expecting him to break out into his Kenny Powers persona and whip out his junk, drink a beer and burp or do something else hysterically outrageous.  Spoiler alert: he doesn’t, so we can only assume that Danny is trying to expand on his range as a thespian.  He does well, though I hope this doesn’t mean an end is coming to his Kenny Powers-ian style characters in the future.

Billy Crudup plays Captain Oram, a by the book dweeb disliked by his crew.  We’re lead to think that angle might go somewhere but it doesn’t and ultimately, it’s such a large cast filled with either unrecognizable (never saw them in anything) or vaguely recognizable (I know I’ve seen that face in another film but I have no idea who they are) that none of the characters really get enough screen time to grow, develop, or even become moderately interesting.

If there is a new age Ripley in the movie, it’s Katherine Waterston’s Daniels, a crew member who, umm, uhh…yeah we don’t get to learn much because again, she’s one of a much too large cast.  But she has some great scenes where she kicks ass and saves a day and so on.

I really think Scott has to go to his room and think about what he has done and what the future of this franchise should be.  Should he return to its “haunted house in space” origins?  Tempting but difficult, seeing as how, as stated above, the rules about how these aliens attack have been well known since 1979 so we can spot them coming from a mile away.

Should the franchise continue to expand upon the philosophical “Why are we here?” type questions?  Possibly, though frankly, I spend most of my time trying to distract myself from the fact that I’m little more than a tiny, insignificant little gnat stuck to the giant, overreaching windshield of the space-time continuum, so I really don’t need a pair of depressed, ennui laden, morose androids reminding me.

Plotwise, it’s all kind of slapped together and relies on you remembering what happened in Prometheus, which is unrealistic because I can’t remember where I left my car keys half the time.  (Wait, let me check the fridge.)

Scott does increase the alien attacks over the last film.  But he also continues the philosophical hullaballoo so it seems like he was confused as to whether he wanted a thriller or a thinker, so he tried for both and in the end, scored neither.

I will give the film this.  The scenes where Michael Fassbender plays two different versions of himself are great and the technology that can allow an actor to do this has really come a long way.

Otherwise, hold your nose because it’s a big stink-a-roo.

STATUS:  I hate to do this.  I don’t want to do this.  Ridley Scott, why are you making me do this?  It’s not shelf-worthy.  There, I said it.  And that’s not fair, because I have given shittier films shelf-worthy status because I’m a nice guy and I don’t want to be rude but you know, I expected less from those films and more from this one.  I really thought this would be good but at best, it was blah.  It’s worth a rental but don’t rush out to the theater for it.

I think this might be a sign of what we can only hope will be the end of Hollywood’s never-ending sequel/prequel/reboot obsession.  There’s only so many ways to spice up and reheat leftovers before they congeal into a big pile of crap.  Sometimes the pizza tastes good the first time and even better cold but then after the third, fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh return to that box buried in the dark corner of the fridge, the pieces begin to taste stale and dry and hey, is that mold growing on my 38 year old pizza?  Whodathunkit?

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Movie Review – Gifted (2017)

Math!  The dreaded court system!  Family turmoil!

BQB here with a review of Gifted.

In this released too early Oscar bait “everyone show off their dope ass acting skills” drama, Chris Evans takes off his Captain America uniform to play Frank Adler, a boat repairman earning a modest living while being the guardian of his precocious seven year old niece, Mary (McKenna Grace).

Shenanigans ensue when Mary’s teacher, Miss Stevenson (Jenny Slate) begins making noise about how Mary is a super intelligent math genius and should be put into a gifted program.  Frank wants no part of this as he fears that what Mary will gain in brainpower she will loose in humanity/social skills.  Why become a big time egghead if you never make any friends or learn how to interact with people on a personal level?

Alas, Miss Stevenson’s meddling reaches the ears of Frank’s domineering, super bitch on steroids mother Evelyn (Lindsay Duncan) who has mad loot and can afford a big fancy lawyer to challenge Frank’s custody on the grounds that he sucks as a parent because the kid should be learning at a school for brainiacs and not at a regular school for big dumb dummies.

An emotional battle royale ensues, both in and out of the courtroom.  As a viewer, you’re torn, because part of you knows that true genius is such a rare gift that to ignore it is a sin.  On the other hand, we’ve all met that doofus who can do long division in his sleep but can’t tie his shoes.

Thus, the story is a very emotional one because both sides have a point.  Who’s right?  Maybe they both are.  Maybe no one.  You get to decide.

Chris Evans gets to shine without super tights on, proving to Hollywood he has the acting chops necessary to be put onto the Oscar path.  Meanwhile, although Jenny Slate has been in a lot of low key projects since her SNL days, this is the first film I personally have seen her where she isn’t completely goofy but rather, is a real person.  You sense the feeling that she really believed she was helping and now feels bad that she caused such a bru ha ha.

Oh, and Oscar favorite star Octavia Spencer stars as Frank’s friend/next door neighbor/Mary’s babysitter.  She’s great in this role, providing the motherly influence that Mary is sorely missing.

Oh, and McKenna herself.  The kid’s got moxie.  Here’s hoping that she heeds the movie’s advice.  Learn how to balance greatness at an early age with the need to grow up and become a normal person, not a wacko who can’t deal.  At any rate, the kid’s got a future.

However, the true star of the film is Fred the One-Eyed Cat.  He deserves a best cat actor award or at the very least, a stylish eyepatch.  “I think therefore I am Fred.”

STATUS:  Shelf-worthy.  Great date film.  Sad yet uplifting.  Asks a lot of questions about the importance of love, life, happiness, and family.  Above all, informs us that true greatness in anything often involves a great deal of sacrifice, dedication and discipline, ultimately consuming the overachiever.

In other words, being smarter than everyone else is an epically rough cross to bear.  Tell me about it.  Story of my life.

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Movie Review – Snatched (2017)

Ugh.  Schumie.  The Schumes.  The Schumster.  Get it together.

To quote Jon Lovitz’, “The Critic” of 1990s fame, “It stinks.”

BQB here with a review of Snatched.

Believe it or not, there was a time when I was a fan of Amy Schumer.  Her Comedy Central sketch show, Inside Amy Schumer, was comedy gold, with quotable lines, memorable scenes, and took equal opportunity shots at everyone.

Alas, the Schumer humor did not translate well into movies.  Her first film, Trainwreck, was in my opinion, a literal train wreck, the only saving grace coming from the ancillary characters of the film.  Had it not been for LeBron James, Bill Hader, John Cena and Colin Quinn, I’d of just asked for my money back.

In this, Amy’s second film, the supporting cast once again makes the movie somewhat bearable though again, just somewhat.

Amy, apparently hellbent on proving to the world that she’s a one-trick pony, once again plays the same adult female loser character.  Fired from her job and dumped by her boyfriend just before a long scheduled trip to a resort in Ecuador, Amy, or Emily in this film, convinces her mother, Linda, an overly cautious cat lady, to be her travel companion.

Blah, blah, blah, the ladies are kidnapped and it becomes a madcap romp as they travel through the rainforest on their way to safety.

Along the way, they encounter a cast of characters that keep me from marching into the projectionist’s booth and asking if they can just put on another showing of Guardians of the Galaxy instead.

Wanda Sykes and Joan Cusack play a tourist and her retired special ops Army buddy who come to the rescue.  Their scenes are mildly humorous but they are underutilized.

Ike Barinholtz plays Emily’s shut-in agoraphobic brother, Jeffrey, a man who is too scared to leave the house yet must somehow cut through bureaucratic red tape at the U.S. state department in search of help.  He squares off against consulate officer Morgan Russell (Bashir Salahuddin) in a series of scenes that remind snooty Americans that the world is not like America and they should not expect people to go out of their way to save them if they get themselves mired in some third world deep shit.

Meanwhile, Christopher Meloni plays an incompetent adventurer who at times, seems like he’s the answer to the girls’ problems and at other times, like he might be the one in need of assistance.

You know, 3.5 readers, one of the worst things an entertainer can do is get too political, and I think the Schumes made that mistake in recent years.  She became a media darling.  To the Hollywood press, she could do no wrong and I feel like that may have taken her focus off her number one goal of being a comedian, namely, to be funny and make people laugh.

I laughed one and only one time – at a tapeworm gag that was pure gross out humor, and even then, it was the comedic stylings of the man who played Amy’s doctor that got me.

Amy’s schtick?  “Oh look at me!  I’m a wayward drunk adult who farts and acts like a child!  Vaginas are hilarious!  Oh wait, vaginas are now hilarious in a tropical environment! Tee, hee hee!”

Above all else, the film comes off as somewhat hypocritical in light of Amy’s public activism:

  • She’s against conservative immigration policies, yet portrays South Americans as criminal caricatures who sit around thinking up plots to kidnap people all day.
  • She often laments that men are pigs who only care about women for their looks and aren’t able to see the beauty that dwells deep within an imperfect female form.  Then she goes and casts two boyfriends in this film who are so handsome they look like they were chiseled out of magic clay by Michelangelo himself.
  • She’s pro-gun control, yet the guns are blazing throughout the film.
  • She’s against judging people for their life choices, yet her judgmental, cranky mother is the only voice of reason in the movie and the only one in the movie making the tough decisions necessary to keep the duo from getting killed.

The film isn’t completely without value.  I did connect with the back and forth between Linda and Emily.  As grown adults who still maintain relationships with their elderly parents can attest, parents never stop parenting, even in old age.  Unfortunately, sometimes the criticism that was necessary to steer a child into adulthood can come across as insulting to the adult child.  Elderly parents can’t switch themselves out of parent mode and into friend mode and adult children just see the elderly parents’ criticisms as non-stop accusations of incompetence (which are accurate, in Emily’s case.)

On the flip side, we can also see that elderly parents might sometimes have good reason to be so cranky with their adult children.  Throughout the film, Emily yearns for her mother’s validation and approval and as the viewer you wonder when Linda/Goldie is going to just bitch slap Emily/Amy and yell, “Bitch!  You are a grown ass woman!  Take control of your life because I’m too old and tired to carry you on my back anymore!”

Doesn’t happen.  Should have happened.  Would have made the movie more enjoyable.

The best part of the movie is that this will hopefully lead to a Goldie Hawn renaissance or Goldie-aissance.  Back in the day, the Goldster was the it girl, starring as the lead in many a comedy.  Private Benjamin, Wildcats, Overboard, and Bird on a Wire all come to mind.  (Note to Amy: Goldie managed to make people laugh without talking about her vagina every two seconds.)

Goldie’s may be older, and wiser, and has apparently undergone various surgeries to keep her face from drooping in her old age, but ultimately, she’s still got acting chops and we can only hope that Hollywood will recognize this and put her in some films that don’t suck.  After all, if her longtime beau Kurt Russell can hang with the Guardians of the Galaxy, then surely there are some more roles out there for Goldie.

STATUS:  Bordeline shelf-worthy but only because of the supporting cast.  The Schumes needs to come up with non-vaginal jokes if she’s going to have any long lasting staying power.

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Daily Discussion with BQB – Man Sues Date for Texting During Movie

Hey 3.5 readers.

Please put down all 3.5 of your phones.  No, seriously!  This is a very important post and yes, you!  Even you, .5th reader with your half a phone, stop texting!

Have you ever had a rude date?  Perhaps a date who texted a little too much?

Well, one guy isn’t taking it lying down.  According to CNN (and many other news outlets) a dude by the name of Brandon Vezmar has sued his date for $17.31, claiming that she texted too much on her phone during a showing of Guardians of the Galaxy, thus ruining the experience.

Do have questions?  I do.  Here’s mine:

#1 – Is this real?  Is this some kind of publicity stunt?

#2 – Did he get rejected?  Is this like a dude sticking up for every man who had to shell out money on a date only to get nowhere?  (If so, God bless you sir.  I’ve always felt there should be a law that if a woman rejects you, she should be required to refund all the money you spent on her during any and all dates within 30 days of the rejection or else be sentenced to life in solitary confinement.  Come to think of it, I’m going to start working with President Trump to turn this into a Federal law.)

#3 – Is it me or does $17.31 seem steep for a film?  Was it in IMAX?  Was it for both tickets?  Was popcorn involved?  If it’s for both tickets, is he claiming that her texting ruined even his movie watching experience?  Can he recover the cost of her ticket if she doesn’t feel her texting ruined her movie watching experience?

#4 – Is it rude to text during a date?  I read that the woman claims she was texting a friend who needed her.

#5 – Do you think this guy is a hero to every man who was ever disrespected by a date?  Or, should he have just sucked it up and realized that part of dating means eating the costs of dates that go nowhere?

Discuss, 3.5 readers.

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Learning that Alicia Silverstone Plays the Mom in the New Wimpy Kid Movie Has Ruined My Life

Hey 3.5 readers.

Let me get this out of the way first.

This is a post that is sort of about the Wimpy Kid movie.  So you might think it’s going to be a wholesome post.

It’s not.  It’s really not.  At all.  In fact, I will be saying very unwholesome things.  Thus, if you proceed ahead, don’t say you weren’t warned.

OK.  Are all the squares gone?

Holy crap balls, 3.5 readers?  Time, you bitch, what are you doing to me?

Do you 3.5 readers have any idea how much fapping I did to Alicia Silverstone in the 1990s?

THE 1990s: Here’s Alicia Silverstone in the Aerosmith video.

BQB:  :::fap fap fap:::

THE 1990s:  Here’s Alicia Silverstone in Clueless.

BQB:  :::fap fap fap:::

THE 1990s: Here’s Alicia Silverstone in a Batgirl costume.

BQB:  :::fap fap fap:::

3.5 readers, I was fapping to Alicia Silverstone long before they even called that particular move, “fapping.”  Why, back in my day, we called it spanking the monkey, flogging the dolphin, pulling the porpoise, shaking hands with the bishop or tickling Mr. Kinish.

And now she’s a Mom!  WTF?!  Why, time, why?!

And worse, she’s not just like a hot mom.  She’s a nerdy mom.  She’s playing a role where she’s embarrassing her kids.   She and her movie husband are singing Spice Girls songs like my folks used to sing all that Woodstock bullshit.

Bahhh!

Actually, the worst part is, I think I could get her now.  I mean, not her specifically, because she’s rich and famous and she was Batgirl but I’m saying, a chick that looks like she does now, which, look, I’m not dumping on her, she looks damn fine for 40 but all I’m saying is that my fantasy is over because when I was a kid she seemed unattainable and now that I’m getting older and she’s getting older, I think I could, through a combination of my impressive job at Beige Corp and the impressive nature of owning a blog read by 3.5 people, I could possibly get a chick that looks like Alicia Silverstone looks now.

Back then?  No.  Today?  Like 45% sure.

I guess I’ll just have to fap to my other 1990s back up, Christina Applegate aka Kelly Bundy on Married with Children.

3.5 READERS: BQB, she played the mom in the Vacation movie reboot.

BOO!!!!  BOO!!!

Sigh.  If Sarah Michelle Gellar ever starts playing moms I’m just going to pack it all up and give up.  Life will be a sea of confusion and depression for me at that point.

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Happy Mother’s Day…

…to all you bad mothers out there.

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Movie Review – King Arthur: Legend of the Sword (2017)

Giant elephants!  Magic!  Charlie Hunnam sans Sons of Anarchy cut!

BQB here with a review of King Arthur: Legend of the Sword.

Just like with King Kong, every decade Hollywood trots out the King Arthur tale, dusts it off and tries to give it a little extra pizzazz.  Clive Owen did just that in a 2004 version and now British Director/Madonna’s ex-husband Guy Ritchie is having a go.

The critics are panning the crap out of it and personally, I feel like they should lighten up a bit.  True, it’s far from being historically accurate and there are a lot of phrases, sayings etc. that seem a tad too modern, not so modern that they ruin the film but just enough that they make you cringe a bit.

Bottomline: if you’re willing to suspend disbelief, you’ll have a good time.  If you’re a historical purist, you’re going to think it’s a giant pile of donkey crap.  So, like most things in life, it’s all about perspective.

In this retelling, King Uthur (Eric Bana) is betrayed Hamlet-style by his evil brother, Vortigern (Jude Law).  An infant Arthur is whisked away just in time to avoid being chopped to pieces by his uncle and ends up being raised in a brothel by a band of happy go lucky prostitutes because if it’s one thing we all know, prostitutes are gangbusters when it comes to child rearing.

Sigh.  I’m going to letters for that comment aren’t I?  “Waah!  Screw you, BQB!  My mother was a prostitute and I turned out just fine!”

But I digress.  Long story short, adult Arthur (Hunnam) pulls the infamous sword Excalibur out of the stone, fulfilling a prophesy yet ending up on King Vortigern’s shit list.

To save the day, he’ll join up with a group of plucky rebels and blah, blah, blah…go see it if you want to know how it all turns out.

Guy Ritchie, the director who gave us edgy, whipcrack fast, violent comedies like Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels in 1998 and Snatch in 2000 brings his rather unique style to the historical film genre, a genre whose fans aren’t exactly known for wanting uniqueness of any kind.  In other words, this film was an uphill climb for the Ritchster.

Guy came to prominence in the 1990s, during what I would call the Tarantino period, a time when directors totally threw the “start at the beginning and go to the end” style of storytelling and instead, embraced flashbacks, flash forwards, flash sideways (some shit is happening here while some other shit is happening over there at the same time.)

Thus, this film, a retelling of one of Jolly Old England’s most beloved tales, feels less like a period piece and more like a heist film.  Arthur and Company engage in witty, quip laden banter as they plot out there schemes.  “You go here, I’ll be there” and then the action unfolds as the characters discuss what they’re going to do.

Between that style and some funky music, Guy does take a lot of risks and honestly, its up to you, the viewer, to personally decide if they paid off.  Guy’s made big money, made great films and got to be married to Madge, so he probably doesn’t care what you think about his film.  He just wanted to put his own spin on his homeland’s great legend and if you like it, great.  If not, Snatched is playing in the theater next door.  Maybe Amy Schumer’s non-stop vagina jokes are more your cup of tea.

Meanwhile, it’s great to see Charlie Hunnam get more post-Sons of Anarchy work, especially one where he can put his British accent to work.  He did well in Pacific Rim and he can carry more films if Hollywood is willing to dole more out to him.

Still, he does have that Jax-like bad boy quality to him.  It fit here because this is the “King Arthur is a bad boy” film, but I wonder if he’ll ever get a film where he isn’t the bad boy?  Maybe Charlie’s too badass to even care.

All I know is this version of King Arthur made more money as a pimp (yes, adult King Arthur is a pimp, for shame!)  than Charlie’s alter ego Jax ever made via SAMCRO’s pimping operations.

Don’t even get me started on Sons of Anarchy.  Those motorhead idiots committed so much crime and made such little cash to show for it.  They’d of wasted less time and money had they all just gotten jobs at Wal-Mart.

Sidenote: Lots of big names in this case. Eric Bana, Jude Law and Djimon Hounsou, three characters well versed in the historical action genre, all appear in this film.  That amazes me because that probably could not have happened ten years ago.  These three in their prime in one film would have bankrupted the studio.  Also, Game of Thrones fans will be happy to see Aidan Gillen (or Lord Littlefinger to GOT fans), and happy or not so happy to see Michael McElhatton (aka Roose Bolton, your happiness or unhappiness to see him will likely depend on which side you took during that whole Red Wedding fiasco).

STATUS: Shelf-worthy.  Don’t let the critics get you down, Guy.

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In Case You Missed It – A Movie Trailer Guy Talks About BQB

Hey 3.5 readers.

A little bummed that my podcast never got off the ground, but I can only do so much I suppose.  Maybe one day, when I’ve got the time…and develop some speaking talent.

In the meantime, this Movie Trailer Guy talking about my awesomeness is the funniest thing ever.  You gotta listen to it.

(FYI I think there’s an actually guy called “The Movie Trailer Guy.”  This isn’t the official Movie Trailer Guy but it is a dude from Fiverr who is very talented and can do a movie trailer guy voice.)

 

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I Hate It When You Have to Sit Right Up Front of the Theater

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This fine youngsters are going to need neck rubs later.

Hey 3.5 readers.

BQB here.  Who else would it be?

Sit down for this, because it’s time for me to complain, Uncle Hardass style.

Have you ever gone to a big movie, only to find that the last few seats are right up in front of the screen?

Seriously.  What kind of BS is that?

I hate it when that happens.  You just don’t experience the same joy in watching the film as everyone else does.

First, you have to crane your neck so badly just to see anything, that I feel like I have to get a Shiatzu massage just to be able to move my head afterwards.

Second, you can’t see everything.  When you are further back, you can see it all.  When you are up close, you have to look at one character and then when another character starts talking, you literally have to turn your head and look at the other character.  This is madness!

Third, I don’t even sit that close to my television at home because it makes me sick so why would I do it with a ginormous screen?

This rant is coming to you because this has happened to me many times, most recently when I saw Guardians of the Galaxy Volume 2 last night, the East Randomtown Cineplex was so full that I had to be jammed like a piece of meat right up against the screen.

This is crap.  Crap, I say!  It shouldn’t be happening in America and I know you all have causes that are near and dear to your hearts but I urge you to drop all of them and join with me in focusing on urging movie theater companies to make their theaters larger so that more seats can be put in the back.

No one should have to sit right up front like a jackass.  Literally no one enjoys this.  Seriously, if you can find one person who can pass a lie detector test while saying, “I like sitting in the front row at a movie theater!” then I will give that person 3.5 dollars.

(Offer not valid in America, Canada, Europe, the Netherlands, Paraguay, Earth, the Universe, or any concept beyond the universe we have yet to discover, so in other words, nowhere.)

3.5 READERS: But BQB, you should have gotten there earlier.   Then you would have gotten a better seat.

I have a life, 3.5 readers!  I have a job at Beige Corporation and I have all kinds of mythical characters I take care of.  I have a blog read by 3.5 people that I have to write.

Plus, so what?  So what if I do start showing up early?  What am I gonna do?  Sit in the back and not give a crap about the poor schmuck who has to sit in the front row because he has a life?  I can’t enjoy movies while I’m siting in the back of the theater while knowing that some poor person is sitting up front with a pained neck.

I’m sorry, people, but we’re either in this together as a collection of movie theater goers, or we aren’t in this as all.  Big Theater, the term I use to describe the theater industry, wants us all to start fighting each other like one big production of Lord of the Flies with popcorn but we need to stick together.  If one theater goer is not happy, then I am not happy.

Except the guy who isn’t happy because he’s asking seventeen questions about a scene that happened twelve scenes ago.  Eff that guy.  If you don’t get a scene, just do what I do and make some shit up to plug in the gap then go look up what you didn’t understand on the Internet when you get home.

3.5 READERS:  But BQB, movie theaters will have to shell out a lot of money to make their theaters bigger.  They make money by making smaller theaters and squishing more people into smaller spaces.  They can’t afford big expenditures in an environment where the entertainment market has become saturated with umpteen zillion live streaming shows and services.

Stop being a sheep, 3.5 readers.  No, you know what?  Here’s my impression of you.  “Bah!  Bah!  We’re 3.5 sheep!  Bah, bah!  Someone come sheer us and turn our wool into sports bras!  Bah!”

You can be a sheep or a shepherd, 3.5 readers.  Which one do you think Jesus picked, 3.5?

The theaters are shepherding you into believing this and you’re all just sitting in the front row with your necks craned up in the air, looking to the left when Rocket Raccoon talks and then to the right when Star-Lord talks and trying to contain the headache and neck pain you are experiencing because some corporate theater stooge felt it was perfectly fine to sell you a seat where your face is literally plastered to a fifty foot tall screen.

God, I wish I could start screaming like Sam Kinison right now.  He was a comedian from the 1980s that screamed a lot, 3.5 readers.  Go look him up.  I don’t have time to explain who people are to you.  Either Google things on your own without me having to tell you or get a time machine and go back in time and convince your parents to hump earlier so you’ll be older now and understand more things.

Besides, the fact that theaters have to compete with so many different live stream options now is all the more reason to make the movie theater experience a better one.  Do you think if they keep making TVs better and better that I’m going to keep going to movie theaters and crane my neck up like a jackass?

Yes.  I probably will.  Because I love movie theaters.  But most people won’t.  And that’s a problem, because movie theaters are facing a lot of stiff competition and I absolutely do not want to see them go the way of the dodo, the way that bookstores and movie rental stores went thanks to the Internet.  Movie theaters are one of the last true communal places we go as a society and if we lose them then we lose everything.

I’m here.  I’ve got neck pain.  I’m mad as hell and I’m not taking a seat up front anymore!

3.5 READERS:  BQB, when you walk in the theater and see there are only a few seats up front left, why don’t you go back to the ticket booth and ask for a refund then leave?

“Bahh!  Bahhh!”  That’s you.

First, what am I going to do?  Not see the movie?  Usually, I have someone with me who wants to see the movie, so what am I going to do?  Tell that person they can’t see the movie?

Second, I’ve bought popcorn and soda already.  What am I going to do?  Return it?  They can’t take that back.  I might have stuck an unsavory bodily appendage in there.  I mean, I didn’t, but they can’t know that for sure so they can’t refund me and then serve the popcorn to someone else without one hundred percent assurance that I didn’t drop a booger into my popcorn bag.

And what would I do?  Bring the popcorn home and eat it in my bed like an idiot, all because the theater did plan properly to accommodate all of their ticket purchasers?  No.  No, I think not.

Third, if it’s already a busy movie night where a big movie has been sold out, then that means I’m going to have to stand in a long line in the hopes of getting a refund, though in all likelihood, they’ll probably tell me they can’t refund it.  Maybe they will, maybe they won’t.  I don’t know.

3.5 READERS:  BQB you whiney bastard, do you have any real solutions to this national nightmare?

Yes.

#1 – Build bigger theaters with more seats toward the back.  If not, then…

#2 – Put a sign in the lobby that a clerk is required to light up that tells prospective ticket buyers that only front row seats are available.  Better yet, make it so that the clerk knows that when he sells me a ticket so he can tell me, “Hey man, you’re gonna have a sore neck, just want you to know for sure.”  Let me decide if the movie is worth hiring a Swedish masseuse after.

#3 – The theater should provide complimentary neck pillows and Swedish masseuses named Inga to massage the necks of all who are forced to sit at the very front of the theater.

#4 – Just install some iPads in the front rows that are set to play along with big screen.  Put those in the front row.  I’ll listen to the sound and watch the film on the iPad.  Smaller screen, but my neck won’t be in traction for days later.

#5 – Just kick me in the nuts and take my money because that’s literally how it feels like when I walk into a theater and find that the front row seats are the only seats available.

What say you, 3.5 readers?  You’re all with me on this, right?  Share your tales of bad movie theater seats in the comments.

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Movie Review – Guardians of the Galaxy: Volume 2

I am Groot.  I am Groot?  I am Groot!

What’s up, 3.5 Groots?  BQB here with a review of Guardians of the Galaxy: Volume 2.

The Guardians are back and better than ever in this, the 15th film in the Marvel cinematic universe.  Can you believe it, 3.5 readers?  Fifteen interconnected films in nine years and that’s just the Disney side of things.  Other studios are still putting out Marvel’s other works, like X-Men.

This go-around, the galaxy’s most jerk-tactic heroes are back and better than ever.  When Rocket Raccoon (voiced by Bradley Cooper) engages in some epic schmuckery, he puts the Guardians on the bad side of a vengeful high priestess, causing the gang to go on an intergalactic adventure to yes, once again, save the galaxy.

Along the way, Peter Quill aka Star Lord (Chris Pratt) meets up with his long lost father, Ego (Kurt Russell).  Drax (Dave Bautista), Gamora (Zoe Saldana), Nebula (Karen Gillan), Yondu (Michael Rooker) all return.

Meanwhile, Vin Diesel comes back as the voice of the one, the only. Baby Groot.  Yes, he’s a tiny tree and he steals the show.

I love this franchise.  It’s space opera with a sense of humor.  Outside of Star Wars and Star Trek, this series is one of few, if any, modern attempts to do this genre right.  Action, humor, heart – it’s got it all.

One thing that surprised me.  “Shit” is said – a lot.  The word “douchebag” is thrown around freely and oh yeah, there’s a scene with robot hookers.

Don’t get me wrong.  I love all that shit.  I mean, shit, I’ve been waiting my whole life for some scientist to get up off his lazy ass and invent me a robot hooker.

I’m just surprised that Disney is dipping its toe into these waters.  The film goes right to the edge of PG-13, hovers its toe just over the line only to quickly pull it back.

Somewhere in a musty boardroom in Disney HQ, I can picture a group of nerdy writers figuring out just the right formula necessary to make these films edgy without causing Walt Disney’s frozen head to spin around in its freezing chamber.

God, I do love a good Walt Disney frozen head joke.

It’s a brave new world of filmmaking, I suppose.  Disney realizes there are adults who grew up loving cartoonish movies that push the envelope, so Guardians is their way of appealing to them.

I’m mildly worried that parents might look at the talking raccoon and the cute little tree and think it’s cool to take a little kid to this film.  And while it’s nowhere near as risqué as the Fox/Marvel Deadpool collaboration, I personally would follow that PG-13 guideline.

Let me put it this way:  it’s nowhere close, at all, whatsoever, to being the dirtiest film ever made.  In the great history of cinema, it’s pretty tame.  However, it might be the dirtiest film Disney has ever made, and for a company that spews wholesomeness out of every orifice, that’s saying something.

Teenagers will be fine.  Kids might end up warped.  Don’t worry about the adults who are into this sort of film.  They became warped a long time ago and it is too late for them now.

STATUS:  Shelf-worthy.  Worth a trip to the theater.  The Summer movie season is here!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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