Monthly Archives: October 2017

My Book is Scarily Awesome!

Hey 3.5 Hallo-weiners.

BQB here.  Boo!  And so forth.  Sorry, I’ m out of candy because I ate it and told the kids to get jobs and buy their own because this isn’t Russia and we aren’t filthy commies.

But that’s ok because I have the best treat ever.  My book of Badass Writing Prompts is only 99 cents and well, if you’ve been reading this blog, and I know 3.5 of you have, then, you know, I don’t mean to be a dick, but come on, open up your wallet and make a tiny contribution towards keeping the lights on in BQB HQ.

There’s nothing scarier than a writer who has not read my badass book of writing prompts, that’s for sure:

Advertisements
Tagged , , , , , , , , , , ,

REBLOG: Top Ten Witch Pickup Lines

Happy Halloween, 3.5 readers.

Is there a witch in your midst this All Hallow’s Eve?  Cool, you’re in luck because…behold…the Top Ten Witch Pickup Lines!

shutterstock_113114743

Tagged , , , ,

Happy Halloween

Have a good day, 3.5 Halloweeners.shutterstock_113293567

Tagged

Movie Review – Only the Brave (2017)

Hey 3.5 readers.

Quick review.  I don’t want to do my usual shenanigans for this movie as it feels like it would be disrespectful given the subject matter.

So basically this film is about the Granite Mountain Hotshots, a true story about an elite group of firefighters who fight the good fight for official certification and ultimately risk it all in a fire in Yarnell, AZ.  I won’t go into detail though since the movie is based on real events, you can Google it for more info or just go see the movie and find out what happens on your own.

Josh Brolin plays Eric Marsh, the superintendent of the crew.  He has a long battle ahead of him as the town he works for, well, the locals just don’t believe a hotshot crew, i.e., firefighters who actually run, jump, dash into forest fighters, dump water on them with helicopters and planes and so on, and put their lives in jeopardy, are necessary.  It’s up to convince the locals different and he and his hotshots work hard to prove their worth.

Miles Teller plays Brendan McDonough, a drug addicted screw-up who has ruined his life.  Jobless, kicked out of the house by his mother, dumped by his pregnant girlfriend who doesn’t want him to be a part of the baby’s life, he is unemployable anywhere else but for the dangerous, life risking hotshot crew.  The intense training turns his life around and gives him something to be proud of and as the story progresses, his loved ones see he has redeemed himself.

Marsh and Brendan are kindred spirits as Marsh had long ago fought a battle against drugs by becoming a hotshot firefighter.  The overall message seems to be that if you are facing demons in your life, the best way to rid yourself of them is to find something positive and productive to do.  You’ll never completely be free of them, but you might become so busy and tired that you won’t have the time or energy to indulge them.

There are some spectacular scenes of forest firefighting, including a cool one where a dude walks out to his pool one morning to find a helicopter house sucking up his pool water so it can be dumped on a forest fire.

Good film.  Gives us a glimpse into the ongoing problem of forest fires in the Southwest and a look into the lives of those who fight those fires.

STATUS: Shelf-worthy.

BQB’s Classic Movie Reviews – Tremors (1990)

Man-eating, prehistoric snakes!

BQB here with a review of “Tremors.”

You know 3.5 readers, even in the early 1990s, people were complaining that movies stink, lack of originality and so on.  The sequel, reboot phase had yet to begin but as always in the horror genre, it seemed like it had all been done before.

abustany-movie-reel-800px

Then Tremors came along.  First, it was funny because the heroes weren’t experts at all.  They were two broke-ass dummy handymen who just happened to stumble across a situation where killer pre-historic worms of immense size were terrorizing a small, southwestern town.  That’d be Kevin Bacon and Fred Ward.

A little bit of knowledge comes to us from college student Rhonda (Finn Carter), there to study seismic abnormalities.  She has some basic theories about the monsters but the dimwitted townsfolk expert her to know everything and view her smarts as worthless since she can’t fully diagnose what the hell these things are, seeing as how no one has ever seen them before.

Like any good horror movie, there are rules.  Kill the zombies with a blow to the head.  Kill the vampire with a stake to the heart.

Here the rules are simple yet they make the movie.  The worms are underground.  They can sense when someone moves above ground.  If you walk on the bare sand they’ll pop out and eat you.  Ergo, the movie becomes quite clever as Kevin and Fred and Co. figure out new and inventive ways to move around without walking on the ground – i.e. pole vaulting across boulders, hiding out on rooftops, riding bulldozers etc.

Michael Gross and Reba McIntyre round out the film as a couple of crazy doomsday preppers.  They’re made fun of for their survivalist ways until an awesome, somewhat hilarious scene in which one of the snake monsters break into their house and the couple pulls off one gun after another off of their walls (more guns than anyone would normally have) and unloads into the beast until they finally destroy him.  Thus, they become the unlikely heroes of the movie as their prepper ways have finally paid off.

“You broke into the wrong rec room didn’t you ya bastard?!”

Gross really shines because up until this movie, he was best known as the mild-mannered, liberal/former Woodstock flower child turned father Steven Keaton on “Family Ties.”  That Gross was able to go from that laidback role to this one (i.e. gun toting survivalist) proved his acting skills.

Funny, I remember seeing this movie in the theater as a kid and I remember having a good time.  It seemed new and different and you know, I was like 11 at the time so to me it probably was.

They’ve made like 4 or more sequels, though the second one is the only one I’ve bothered to watch and I don’t remember much about it.  The rest I believe went straight to video.

It just goes to show that if you are a writer and you are tired of zombies and vampires, you can create your own monsters, just decide a) how they attack b) how the heroes are boxed in and c) how the heroes can fight back.

Fun fact – the girl who is terrorized by dinos in the original Jurassic Park plays a kid terrorized by giant worms here.  Someone decided this kid was only able to be in roles where she is terrorized by giant monsters.

STATUS: Shelf-worthy.

 

Tagged , ,

BQB’s Classic Movie Reviews – Shaun of the Dead (2004)

Zombies and humor.

BQB here with a review of “Shaun of the Dead.”

It’s ironic that this film is a comedy as it has stood the test of time to become one of the must see flicks of the zompoc genre.  It’s probably lasted as long as it has due to the fact that is pairs great writing with humor and heart and overall, the characters are relatable and you really worry that they might become zombie lunch.

Simon Pegg, in the first role I remember seeing him in, plays Shaun, a 29-year-old loser who wants to turn his life around but can’t figure out how.  He’s stuck in a lousy electronics store job that’s meant for teenagers.  His girlfriend Liz (Kate Ashfield) is tired of being disappointed by Shaun’s loser-ness.  His flat-mate is fed up that Shaun keeps coddling Ed (Nick Frost) his buddy who came over for a party once several years ago and then just stayed without offering to pay any rent or even lifting a finger to help around the house.  His Mom loves him unconditionally but his step-dad thinks he’s an epic loser.

Enter the zombie apocalypse.  England has become overrun with the undead.  Finally, here is Shaun’s big chance to save the day and prove to Liz that he is responsible, to prove to his parents and the world that he is worth something.  He takes charge, leading Liz, Ed and friends to safety, but, you know, because he’s an average guy of average strength and abilities, he screws up often and in hilarious ways.

That’s kind of the whole point of the film.  Throughout the movie, various people in the party shit on Shaun, telling him he’s a loser and his plans stink and he’s so dumb that he’s going to get everyone killed.  The situation is an allegory for life.  Some people at least get up and try and yes, they fail when they try.  People who never even try will happily point out when someone who tried failed.  That’s why it sucks to be Shaun.  He’s trying, really hard, and no one around him will try and yet they never pull a punch when it comes to telling him what a loser he is.

Also, awesome scene when Shaun goes up against zombies with an old Winchester rifle (and when the gang beats a particular tough zombie with pool cues to the tune of an old song.)

STATUS: Shelf-worthy.

abustany-movie-reel-800px

 

 

 

Tagged , , , ,

The Return of Count Krakovich, Incompetent Vampire

shutterstock_115934440

Bleh!  I vant to suck your blood, 3.5 readers…bleh, but I don’t want to do a lot of work so bleh, bleh please just lay your necks down and make some holes in them with your necks so I can just slurp out the blood and then…

Bleh! Where are you going?  It sure is hard being a lazy, incompetent, asshat vampire.  In fact, you might have noticed that this year my name has been changed from Asshat Vampire to Incompetent Vampire.

Anyway 3.5 readers, I do like to check in with you all once a Halloween.  How have you all been?  I hope you have all been murdering many vampires because I hate those guys ever since they kicked me out of the League of Vampires.

I wish I had more to say but I have been a very depressed vampire as of late.  In fact I think I might just quit being a vampire.  Is that even possible?  Someone contact a vampire lawyer and let me know.

That’s it.  I am even incompetent at writing columns.  Happy Halloween 3.5 losers.  Bleh!

Tagged , ,

Kickstarter and Patreon

Hey 3.5 readers.  I hate to turn into that guy who begs for money like a common hobo panhandler but I’ve seen others do it successfully and have been wondering if I have been leaving money on the table that could help the Bookshelf Battle Enterprise.

What say you?  Has anyone out there been able to use Kickstarter or Patreon successfully?

Tagged , , , ,

Things That Really Frost My Ass – Fun Sized Candy Bars Are Not Fun at All

By: Uncle Hardass, Official Bookshelf Battle Blog Grumpy Old Man Correspondent

cropped-shutterstock_159396938-copy

Hello 3.5 degenerate readers.

Your Old Uncle Hardass here.  Still trying to be writers I see.  Oh well, I guess it’s good it’s Halloween then.  Your parents can just gorge on some Halloween candy to distract themselves about how disappointed they are in you.  Can’t say as I blame them.  Get jobs, losers!

Anyway, I suppose I’ll wish you a Happy Halloween though I don’t know why.  All this holiday is, is an excuse for dummies to put on fake costumes so they can pretend to be something they aren’t but wish they were while putting their hand out, demanding I give them free shit. In other words, Halloween is basically what the world will look like everyday if the blasted Democrats take over.  Mark my words.  Seriously people.  Don’t I pay enough taxes?  You all need my candy too?  Shiftless clowns.

I mean, maybe it’s ok for five year olds to participate in this waste of time, although really, by four, I had a job and a mortgage and my first case of the gout but whatever, I guess we just spoil young people until the end of time now.  Whatever.

So I want to talk to you 3.5 turkeys about “fun sized candy bars.”  What a big time hoax this bull shit is.  The candy companies sell these bags of little candy bars, call them fun sized and then they basically have figured out a way to charge you more for less candy.

Honestly.  What do you dum-dums do every year?  You buy one bag but then you worry that your house will be overrun by little turds so you buy five bags.  Then, at best, five kids show up, so you then you just eat the rest of it like the fat fuck you are and then you resolve…never again!  You’ll only buy one bag next year.  Then you’ll do the same thing next year.

Look, just take the same amount of money, buy five regular sized candy bars, the first five kids who got to your door first get the big candy bars and the rest of the little monkeys get Jack Squat.  Teach ’em an important life lesson.  People who get there early get a reward.  People who take their time and fuck around get a big heaping handful of nothing.  Really, you’re not doing them any favors by delaying this important lesson.

Are small candy bars fun?  No.  That’s because nothing in the history of time that is fun has ever been small.  Disagree?  I knew you would, you contentious freak of nature.  Consult my handy list of things that are only fun if they are large:

Titties – Small titties are not fun.  Females with small titties, I’m sorry, but your boyfriend is just lying about liking your tiny knockers and is simply waiting for a broad with jumbo jugs to come along.

Santa Clause – No one wants a small, skinny Santa.  Christmas is only happy if that fat fuck laughs and shakes his belly like a bowlful of jelly.  Fun sized Santa’s belly is flat as a board.  Get Santa off Jenny Craig immediately.

SUVS – I see these tiny bitch SUVS all the time.  You know how that shit got started?  Big men used to buy big trucks.  Then they put covers on the back.  Then they started putting seats in the back.  Then women started driving them and they wanted them smaller and smaller and smaller until you’ve got a little shitbox that’s high off the ground.  No fun at all!

Texas – Everything is bigger in the Lone Star State.  Try asking for small sizes there.  See how fast you get laughed outta town.

Movies – You know what they call a fun sized movie?  A TV show.  And if you ask me, most TV shows suck.  They haven’t made good television since 1959.

CONCLUSIONS:

Nothing is fun when it is small.  Just ask a midget.  Midgets are not happy. Their size is not fun.  Sure, they’re still people and should be treated as such, but their size is not fun when no matter where they look, they’re staring at a full sized person’s crotch.  That’s not fun at all, unless you’re a midget pervert, then I guess, yeah, you’re having a blast.  So OK, that’s the only case where being small is fun, i.e. if you are an over-sexed little person.

Any other time, small is not a fun size.  So, just buy five full sized candy bars, reward the early bird children who did not rest on their laurels, then tell the other kids to head down to the food stamp line where apparently they will be for the rest of their miserable lives because they can’t get their costumes on time and report for trick or treating at a reasonable time.

Happy Halloween, 3.5 jackasses, though what’s so happy about it I’ll never know.

Tagged , , , , , ,

Top Ten Warning Signs Your Boyfriend Might Be a C.H.U.D.

c-h-u-d-someocrighthere_804eae_4373393

C.H.U.D.s

They stink.  See, the Millenials aren’t aware of this.  If you tell them a C.H.U.D. stinks, they’ll just be all like, whatever, you should just be nicer to the C.H.U.D. or hug him more or try to understand where the C.H.U.D. is coming from.

But if you’re a Gen Xer like me then you know C.H.U.D.s are no joke, and you certainly don’t want to be dating one.  Ergo, from BQB HQ in Fabulous East Randomtown, it’s the Top Ten Warning Signs You Might Be Dating a C.H.U.D.

#10 – Lives in the sewer.

Dead giveaway.  There is no reason for anyone to live in a sewer.  Sounds like your boyfrined might an “underground dweller” who puts the “UD” in CHUD.  Yeah, I’m lazy.  I will no longer put the period after each letter.

#9 – He is cannibalistic.

You saw him frying up a nice hand sandwich?  No, that wasn’t a typo.  I didn’t mean ham sandwich.  I meant hand sandwich.  Look, the dude’s eating a damn hand and you’re trying to make excuses for him.  “Aww, the poor guy, he just had a bad childhood.  If I love him more, he’ll stop eating people.”

No, bitch!  You in love with a damn CHUD!  Run bitch, run!

Also, he puts the C in CHUD.

#8 – He is a humanoid.

Always date an actual human.  A human is a human.  A humanoid is a creature that has a head and arms and legs and many of the same features as a human but is not a human.  Just because it moves like a human doesn’t mean it is a human.  Get some self-confidence.  Don’t settle for humanoid.  You deserve a full blown human.

He puts the H in CHUD.  That’s right.  He is a Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dweller.

#7 – He is super ugly.

Well, let’s be practical.  A lot of people are ugly.  Sure, we all wish we could date supermodels but after the sex, would we have anything in common to talk about?  Probably not.  So ladies, perhaps you might want to give a guy a break if he’s bald or pudgy or not so handsome but….yeesh…holy shit girl, that dude not just ugly, he a damn CHUD!

Only you can tell the difference between ugliness and CHUDness.

#6 – Smells bad.

Most men do.  We take pride in our farts.  But is the stench natural or CHUD-like?  You be the judge.  If you have to ask, you know the answer.  Run bitch, run.

#5 – Has bright yellow eyes.

Eyes aren’t supposed to glow.  Get out of there before you’re a snack.

#4 – Has pointy teeth.

We’re not talking just a lack of quality dental care.  We’re talking pointy, human biting teeth.

#3 – The best soldiers and police officers of the 1980s don’t seem like they’d be able to stop him.

But then again, they never could in any 1980s movie.

#2 – It’s like you’ve heard of him, but don’t really know him per se.

Yeah, I’ve heard ugly people be called CHUDS hundreds of times and have even been on the receiving end.  I understand the reference but to this day I have not bothered to watch the actual movie.  It’s one of those movies where you must be a real weirdo if you’ve bothered to seek it out and watch it.

#1 – He tried to eat you.

You’re better than that.  Don’t beat yourself up about it.  Just run and also know that you’re worthy of love that doesn’t lead to you ending up in a CHUD’s colon.  I know, that’s the most beautiful thing that’s ever been said to you.  What can I say?  I have a way with words.

Tagged , , , , , , , ,