Tag Archives: books

BQB’s Twisted Shorts

Hey, 3.5 readers.

Long time, no see. Are there still 3.5 of you?

So, I’m getting into the short story game.

Why, you didn’t ask?

I’m working on an anthology series. Short stories with twisted endings, like an homage to the Twilight Zone, but with BQB’s sense of humor.

In the first one, a superhero quits. That’s right. One day, he just decides he doesn’t want to save the city anymore. It’s a thankless job and there are more productive things he can be doing, so he decides to move to California to work on becoming a pop star.

Here is the Righteous Champion, singing on his Karaoke Machine in the living room of his condo instead of saving Horrendous City from the Precursor, a vile, alien altered being who has constructed a ray gun that can erase anything.

COVER 3

Once they learn that the city’s savior is flying to greener pastures, Mayor Lazarus Latherton and Police Chief Isaac Hammer are faced with a terrible fate.  They will have to do…their jobs!

Dun dun dun…

Ultimately, I’ve been trying to make a go of self-publishing for awhile now and time, money, etc. are all tough factors.  My thought here is this:

Say you want to get into the lemonade business.

Would you a) make one pitcher of lemonade and start a stand in your yard and if that becomes profitable, you might, say, start a couple more stands, eventually working your way up to starting a lemonade store, followed by a lemonade chain or…

b) Start a lemonade chain first?

I was trying to do b all along and now I’m realizing a will, I think be better.

Honestly, it could be better to just say screw it all and eat cookies and watch TV.

But alas, that old writing bug is still biting me, so let’s see how this goes.

Any thoughts on the cover? Let me know.

 

 

 

 

 

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GET MY BOOK FOR FREE!

Hey 3.5 readers.

BQB here.

My book, the first part of The Last Driver, is FREE on Amazon all this week. If you could grab a free copy, I’d appreciate it. Leave a review? Even better.

Thank you.

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First Draft of Toilet Shocker Complete

I finished my first draft of Toilet Shocker, the sequel to Toilet Gator.

I began writing Toilet Gator in early 2017 and it is currently with my editor, keeping my fingers crossed that it will be out this year.

I began writing Toilet Shocker last July, and just finished the Epilogue today. It comes in at over a whopping 200,000 words, which I understand is a ridiculous length, and perhaps I do need to think in the future about scaling back my plots, the multitude of characters and all the moving pieces.

Anyway, it was nice to get the first draft done. Even so, there’s still a lot of work to do in polishing it up, but you can’t build a house without the foundation.

How to describe the plot?  In Toilet Gator, there were two supporting characters, Moses and Felix, ex-Marines who opened a gun shop in South Florida. The hero, Police Chief Cole Walker, enlists them and their arsenal of weaponry in defeating the toilet gator.

After toilet gator was complete, my mind started to wander to the multitude of other aquatic creatures that could attack people on the toilet, and electric eels seemed pretty funny. Better yet, what if a mad man somehow figured out a way to get his eels to hold its targets hostage, biting their butts and promising to deliver a deadly electric shock if the eels’ operator does not get his way?

I know. I probably could have put this time and effort into writing a serious work. Actually, I couldn’t. Give me the most serious World War II story to work on and I swear, it will be full of fart jokes by page 10.

Anyway, Moses and Felix become the heroes of this story, for, as it turns out, someone in their old special ops unit wants revenge, and has unleashed his eels on the butts of his former marines, now private citizens, threatening to shock them unless he gets want he wants.

I smell Oscar.

toilet shocker demo

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Everything You Need to Know About Life Can Be Found in Call of the Wild (And Why Harrison Ford Should Get An Oscar)

Hey 3.5 readers.

This won’t be so much of a review as an opinion piece.

Having seen the ads for Call of the Wild earlier this year, I read Jack London’s classic novel of the same name.  If you haven’t, you should.  It’s only like 60 pages, but he covers a lot of ground in a short amount of time.

For the uninitiated, it’s the story of Buck, a pampered dog who lives a life of luxury as a pet on a rich judge’s California estate.  His carefree life is uprooted when a dirtbag swipes the pooch and sells him into doggy servitude, sending him up north where he ends up on the dog sled team of a pair of French Canadian mail carriers.

From there, he’s passed from one owner to the next, beaten and abused, forced to fight for his life and so on.

Essentially, it’s a story about learning to adapt and persevere when life throws a monkey wrench into the machinery of your plans.

The movie is good, though it’s a Disney product full of schmaltz.  It has to be to cater to its primary audience of kids. While in the book, Buck goes from being weak and timid to becoming a murderous, killer alpha dog, whereas in the film Buck grows in spirit and strength by doing good deeds and saving others along the way.  Further, I’ll admit the book has plenty of politically incorrect moments (it was written in early 1900s after all) that understandably had to be cut out in the movie version.

Anyway, see the movie, but also read the book and just try to ignore the non-PCness and learn the various lessons.  Don’t crumble when life throws you a curve ball.  When you learn something new, you’ll fail and it will hurt but stick with it and you’ll get better (how Buck sucks at first as a sled dog but keeps at it and becomes a great sled dog, for example.)

Also, lessons about leadership, from Buck’s early masters who get his obedience through club beatings, to John Thornton, who is just such a good man that he inspires Buck to blind loyalty.

Is this movie an award winner?  Not really.  It will probably come and go without a lot of fanfare.

However, I think Harrison Ford should be considered for a Best Actor award for this one.  He was in some great films in the 70s and 80s, not just nerd faves like Star Wars and Indiana Jones, but thrillers and dramas as well.

Then in the late 90s, early 2000s he, no offense because it happens to all of us, but he got old and seemed in many of his roles like he’d rather not be there, like he was phoning it in.  Ironically, I know that’s part of his personality and charm, that he comes across as though he could take or leave fame.

Long story short, he shines in this role and is full of emotion.  As a depressed old man who moves to the Yukon to get away from humanity only to find his humanity again with the help of Buck.

Overall, Ford looks like he enjoys what he’s doing in this movie and that he had a good time making it.

At 77, I doubt he will get a chance at many more plump, juicy roles, so I think a case could be mean that he deserves it for this one, if not for the performance but to recognize his body of work.

Hopefully someone in the Academy is one of my 3.5 readers and will make this happen.

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Quote About Iron or Gold, Thorns or Flowers from Great Expectations

“Pause you who read this, and think for a moment of the long chain of iron or gold, of thorns or flowers, that would never have bound you, but for the formation of the first link on one memorable day.”

Hey, 3.5 readers.

I’ve found that generally speaking, a lousy life isn’t the result of one mistake but a series of mistakes, a pattern of doing dumb things repeated over and over, time and time again.

Then again, when I look back, there have been some crucial blunders, some things where I think, “Wow, it was a no brainer to have done or not done something.”

Charles Dickens, who periodically stopped his books to talk to his readers right in the middle of his prose, once asked his readers to think about the one day where something happened that put them on a path to greatness or sorrow.

Have you ever had a day like that?

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Happy Halloween, 3.5 Readers

Treat yourself to one of my FREE books.  Yes, they will be free now throughout the weekend:

 

 

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A Rap About the Seventeen Cents I Made Selling My Books on Amazon

rappa

Uh.  Yeah.  Uh.  Yeah.

Crank up the bass.

Bookshelf Q. Battler.

Comin’ straight at ya face.

Seventeen!

Three less than twenty,

It sure is plenty.

Seventeen!

Eighty-seven less than a buck,

You know I don’t give a…

Seventeen!  Seventeen!

You know a man can only dream of

Seventeen!

A dime and a nickel, two portraits of Lincoln.

Go to the club and my breath is stinkin…

of Cristal!  Because I’m a baller.

Because I’m rolling up to my crib, still chasin the green.

But until I get some foldin’ cash, I’ll have my seventeen!

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A Rap I Wrote About the 77 Cents I Made Selling My Books on Amazon

rappa

Uh..yeah…mic check, here we go.

Cents!  It’s my dream to get to heaven, but to get there I’m gonna need some cents.

My bills piled high and I need to pay my rents, so gimmie the…cents!

File a bill of replevin and stop by the 7-11 just so I can get a number of pennies, the total of which is seventy-seven…cents!

One day I was just a normal guy, didn’t fly high and I never thought that I would ever touch the sky.

Then I looked into my bank account and thought perhaps I was dreaming or perhaps that I had died.

And then I thought I flew to the surly bonds up above.

Cuz when I saw all those cents in my possession, I surely fell in love with…cents!

Yeah, fly me to heaven on a Boeing 747, and pay for the ride with my seven and seven…cents!

My mama told me I lack common sense and my dad told me I was ever so dense but now I can buy sensitivity and density and just chill in the city and pay for it all with…my seventy seven cents!

What you got something that costs seventy cents, muthafucka?  Here, take ten dimes and keep the change, G.  Peace, I’m out.

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Get My Book for FREE!

Hey 3.5 readers.

BQB here.

All this weekend, my book, The Last Driver – Episode 1 is free, totally free!

It’s set in a dystopian future where the government controls all, and in a world where all cars are self-driving, the last man who remembers what to do behind a wheel will be called on to save the day…or will he destroy it all?

Get it today, 3.5 readers.  Did I mention it is free?  I would appreciate it if you’d get a free copy and if it isn’t too much trouble, leave a review.

Thank you.

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Last Day to Get a Free Book

Hey 3.5 readers.

All I do is give and give.

In keeping with that spirit, here’s a free book.  Today is the last day it is for FREE.

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