Tag Archives: books

Toilet Gator Sundays Continue…

Just when you thought it was safe to drop a deuce…

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Toilet Gator Sundays (Or, BQB’s Production Schedule)

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Hello.  My name is Bookshelf Q. Battler and I am a Book Cover Design Contest addict.

So here’s the deal.  I have finally reached the point where I can’t afford to buy any more book covers without publishing a book and getting some kind of return on investment, even if it is just enough to pay for the cost of the book cover.

So this will be my last book cover design contest for awhile.  Also, I hereby pledge to all 3.5 of you readers that I will not, not, not, start a new idea until all my previously started ideas are published.  I have to have some discipline or else nothing will ever make it to market.

Bookshelf Q. Battler’s Big Book of Badass Writing Prompts is almost there.  A pro is actually going over it and everything so there is light at the end of that tunnel.

I hereby declare my production schedule as follows:

  • BQB’s Writing Prompts – should be out well, I don’t know when, but I feel like April at the latest.  Could be sooner.  Doubt it will be later.
  • Zom Fu – Novel I am currently working on.
  • Toilet Gator – The idea popped in my head and I laughed and laughed and laughed.  Then I started a design cover contest and laughed and laughed and laughed.  Then I wrote the first chapter and laughed and laughed and laughed.  I’m going to have fun with this, but I don’t want it getting in the way of Zom Fu.  So, from now on, look forward to Toilet Gator Sundays.  Every Sunday, a new installment of Toilet Gator.  If I limit Toilet Gator to Sundays, then I still can find time to work on Zom Fu during the week.
  • Zomcation is half-written.  I just need to find the time to finish it.
  • Zombie Westerns – those will come next.

So there you have it.  Writing Prompts.  Zom Fu.  Toilet Gator.  Zomcation.  Zombie Westerns.  And then if I’m still kicking, my other ideas will see the light of day.

I’d love it if Prompts, Fu, Gator, and Zomcation could be done this year, and then next year is solely a Zombie Western year, and then 2019 I bring forth new ideas, but I realize things don’t always go to schedule.

At any rate, I must complete the books I have bought covers for before moving on.  I won’t buy covers for unfinished books in the future, but I had to do it this time around as I was losing faith and the seeing book covers made this all seem real.

Anyway, thanks for being my 3.5 readers.

 

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4 Books in 1 Year

It’s adventurous and unlikely but I hope to self publish 4 books this year.

Part of the trick is I’m trying to convince myself to be less of a stickler for perfection and churn those books out.

I’ve got covers for BQB’s Writing Prompts, Zom Fu and Zomcation.  I have one more in mind though I’ll hold back at this time.

I probably should have finished the books before ordering the covers but oh well, it makes me happy.

Do you think it is possible 3.5 readers?

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My Side of the Story – Bookshelf Q. Battler

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Hey 3.5 readers.

A sad day in East Randomtown.  As my attorney, Ms. Donnelly, has notified you, VGRF and I are done, over, kaputsville.  Even worse, I have lost the Bookshelf Battle Blog, BQB HQ, Bookshelf Q. Battledog, and my action figure collection in the divorce, which, by the way came as a big surprise to me because I didn’t even know that VGRF and I were married.  Thanks Obama.

So this will be my last post.  This was a site for manly nerds and no, that’s not an oxymoron.  Now I can only assume that Video Game Rack Fighter will turn this fine website that I have spent three years of my life building into an online repository of daisy photos and vagina poems.  I mean, I don’t know that for sure, but I can only assume that most women spend 99.99% of their time looking at photos of daisies and writing poems about their vaginas.

It all started when I left one errant pee sprinkle on the toilet seat.  Totally wasn’t intentional.  It’s not like I meant to.  When VGRF brought it to my attention, I immediately dispatched the Yeti to clean it up.  I don’t know why, but the Yeti is into cleaning up weird messes.  I don’t know why.  I don’t ask.

But Video Game Rack Fighter was all like, “Well, you made the mess so you should clean it up and not make the Yeti do your dirty work” and I was all like, “Who cares?  He’s just a stupid yeti” and then she was all like, “It doesn’t matter.  You should take responsibility.”

So then I was all like, “You know, I don’t give you this much shit over the giant toe nails that you clip and just leave strewn all over BQB HQ.  This is a place of online blog business yet everywhere I go I’m stepping on toenails the size of Fritos!”

At that moment, I was reminded that it is impossible to win an argument with a woman because VGRF gave up on having any kind of rational discussion and proceeded to round house kick me in the face repeatedly until I passed out.

When I woke up, I found myself in the Random Motel with my freaking archenemy Leo McKoy of all people as a room mate.

By then, Attorney Donnelly had worked out the details of the divorce I had to a woman I didn’t even know I was married to and I don’t know how but I’m still blaming this on Obama.

Part of me is mad that Ms. Donnelly didn’t get me a better settlement, one that would have allowed me to retain BQB HQ and the Bookshelf Battle Blog.  Then again, part of me thanks her for keeping me from suffering VGRF’s first bid, namely, that I end up with my genitals slammed in a steel door repeatedly for the rest of my life.

Women always have to go right for the junk, let me tell you.

So I guess that’s it.  I’m stuck as Leo McKoy’s roommate indefinitely.  Probably forever because, did you hear this?  I have to also pay VGRF 99.99% of the paycheck I earn from Beige Corp.  I don’t know why.  It’s not like VGRF is getting up every day and assisting people who assist people who assist the people who sell beige products and accessories.

I don’t know if I’ll ever get to post again, 3.5 readers.  VGRF’s settlement calls for me to be shot out of a high velocity cannon and directly into the sun if I post on this blog again.  Yeah, part of me was surprised that the court system approved that part and then again, part of me wasn’t surprised at all.

I haven’t decided yet but I might ditch Leo and explore the universe with Alien Jones for awhile.  I asked him over the space phone if he would like to be intergalactic roommates but all he did was make a few staticky noises with his mouth then say, “Um…sorry…the space phone is breaking up…bzzt bzzzt….talk to you later…”

Poor guy really needs a new space phone.

Thanks for the memories, 3.5.

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Bookshelf Battle Blog Under New Management

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Good Day, 3.5 readers.

Lead Counsel for Mr. Battler, Delilah K. Donnelly here.

It is my unfortunate duty to inform all 3.5 of you that Mr. Battler and his longtime girlfriend, one Miss Video Game Rack Fighter, have split up over irreconcilable differences.

Although terrible news, this normally would not be a matter of legal concern.  However, as it turns out, Ms. Fighter was an incredible legal researcher and was able to convince a court of law that by virtue of East Randomtownian Law, she and Mr. Battler had established a common law marriage by living together in sin for so long.

After an intense, seventy-eight hour negotiation session, a divorce agreement was reached and the property of the Bookshelf Battle Blog shall be divided as follows:

  • BQB HQ – Goes entirely to Ms. Fighter in recognition of the two years she lived there, even though Mr. Battler lived his entire life there and it was gifted to him by his beloved Aunt Gertie.
  • The Magic Bookshelf – Goes to Mr. Battler as Ms. Fighter views it and the characters who live it as little more than a nuisance.
  • Ms. Fighter’s Video Game Rack – Entirely to Ms. Fighter, though Mr. Battler may borrow her copy of Car Thief Mayhem once a month but only if she is not playing it.
  • Mr. Battler’s Action Figure Collection – Entirely to Ms. Fighter, not because it has any monetary value but because Mr. Battler believes that he will not be able to attract anyone with a vagina if he retains it.
  • Mr. Battler’s Collection of Used Whoopie Cushions and Rubber Chickens – To Mr. Battler in an effort by Ms. Fighter to show that she is not a total monster.
  • Mr. Battler’s Vintage 1990s Pornographic Magazine Collection – Sold at public auction and distributed evenly between the parties.  Now the property of ex-mayoral candidate Leo McKoy, who has been known to enjoy photos of half-naked women wearing nothing but flannel lumberjack shirts and hair-dos reminiscent of Rachel from Friends.  Mr. McKoy’s only public comment on the matter was, “I’ll be there for you…ugh.”
  • Alimony – Ms. Fighter retains the right to garnish 99.99% of Mr. Battler’s earnings as an assistant to the assistant of the vice-president for corporate assistance at Beige Corp., the world’s premiere producer of beige products and accessories.
  • Bookshelf Q. Battledog – Full legal custody with Ms. Fighter.  Court supervised visits for Mr. Battler every third leap year.
  • The Yeti – Full legal and physical custody to Mr. Battler.  Ms. Fighter will be within her rights to sue for mental pain and suffering if Yeti visitations are attempted.
  • Alien Jones – Retains his position as Mr. Battler’s intergalactic advisor.  Will continue to nag Mr. Battler until he writes a novel that inspires the masses to abandon reality television so that the Mighty Potentate will not conquer the planet.
  • Dr. Hugo Von Science, Uncle Hardass, Vinny Baggadouchio, Search Engine Optimized Poet, Nerdstradamus and Other Assorted Bookshelf Battle Blog Columnists – Will now be employees of Ms. Fighter.
  • The Bookshelf Battle Blog – Full ownership goes to Ms. Fighter.  Mr. Battler will no longer be allowed to post on penalty of being shot into the sun via a high velocity cannon.  Ms. Fighter will be able to post whatever she wants.
  • Mr. Battler’s 3.5 Readers – Now the property of Ms. Fighter.  They are not allowed to read anything written by Mr. Battler under court order.

LEGAL CONCLUSIONS

This is indeed a horrendous development, 3.5 readers.  Mr. Battler did so enjoy posting for your enjoyment, and even when you did not enjoy it, which by my understanding was most of the time.

I understand that you know me as one of the finest attorneys in the land and therefore you may wonder how Ms. Fighter was able to reach such a one-sided settlement.  All I can say is, she started high and sold low.  The alternative to this agreement was that Mr. Battler would have been required to slam his genitalia in a steel loading dock door from now until the end of his life and record every slam and post the footage on YouTube.

All things considered, I’d say Mr. Battler got off easy.

As for Detective Dashing and myself, Ms. Battler has issued no decrees as to whether or not she will utilize our services at this time.  As far as I am concerned, I shall remain Mr. Battler’s attorney until further notice and will continue to advise him as he begins his new life in the roach infested Random Motel, East Randomtown’s premiere pay-by-the-hour lodging resort.

Mr. Battler thanks you for being his 3.5 readers and asks that you do not weep for him, for, as he bravely put it, “It was better to have had 3.5 readers and lost them than to never have had 3.5 readers at all.  Also, Video Game Rack Fighter Sucks Yeti Butt.”

His words, not mine.  I do not say such vulgarities.

Enjoy the rest of your day, 3.5 readers.

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Do You Want to Write a BQB Writing Prompt?

Hey 3.5 readers.

BQB here.

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I’m in the home stretch of BQB’s 101 Writing Prompts book.

In the book, I invite readers to write stories based on the prompts and publish them on their blogs and Tweet me the links.

If anyone is interested, I’d love it if anyone wants to choose a prompt and blog their response.  Maybe the first week the book is out I could put your prompt based writings right here on this fine blog.

Anyone who wants to partake of my prompts, let me know.

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Zomcation Cover

Another cover for another book I have yet to finish writing.

“Oh hey, did you hear about BQB?  He ended up in the poorhouse, spent all his dough on book covers for books he never finished writing.  What an asshole.”

Oh well, what say you 3.5 readers?

 

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Zomcation – My Favorite Chapters So Far

Hey 3.5.

I was just going over Zomcation and there are three chapters that really tickled my funny bone.  Hope you will check them out.

While you’re at it, don’t forget to vote in my Zomcation book cover contest.

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Chapter 11 – In this book, a Republican and a Democrat have teamed up as President and Vice-President.  President Stugotz is a Trump clone while Vice-President Pierce is a Hillary wannabe.  They fight and bicker constantly.  General Merrick tries his best to remain calm as Stugotz goes to one extreme and demands that all the zombies be nuked while Pierce goes to the other extreme and demands that everyone should coddle the zombies and give them free, government subsidized brains.  In the end, they agree on one thing – they’ll deny all culpability and pin it all on Merrick.

Chapter 15 – Mister Reynaldo, an eccentric male diva/ex-off, off, off incredibly off Broadway star informs Jess that she can no longer play Princess Paulina because she turned 30.  For Jess, it’s now the Willy Wombat mascot costume or bust.

Chapter 23 – Wombat World Security Guard Doug has a classic, cop TV show fight with the Chief of Wombat World security.  It ends with the Chief relieving Doug of his wombat shaped badge and security whistle.  Doug must now decide whether to give up or go rogue and search for his partner, who really isn’t his partner, but just an old man he stood next to and annoyed regularly.

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Vote for My Zomcation Book Cover Contest

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Zomcation is the best book ever written about an ex-soldier guilted by his depressed, divorced sister, social media addicted niece and hipster nephew into taking a vacation to an amusement park dedicated to a cartoon wombat only to end up fighting hordes of zombies when a Doomsday cult infects the park’s soda supply with a zombifying virus.

I can smell the literary awards now.  Mmm.  Smells like chicken.

Please vote for your cover here.

And please, really vote.  I’m having a hard time making up my mind.

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State of the Bookshelf – BQB’s Production Schedule

Hey 3.5 readers.

So, I’ve developed a bad habit.  Whenever I feel down, I commission a book cover.

It’s ok.  I’m gone to be done at three for awhile.

The other day I went back, looked at Zomcation, and realized that yeah, it’s pretty funny.  It’s also 50,000 words I rattled off in a month, leaving me to realize if the plot takes place in the present, there isn’t much to research, and it’s just a goofy project, the words come faster.

So I turned the 99 Design artists loose again.  Here’s my latest poll, please vote.

Here’s where my mind is:

THIS YEAR – Finish and publish BQB’s Writing Prompts, Zom Fu and Zomcation.

NEXT YEAR – Finish and publish three of my Zombie Western Books.

YEAR THREE – Depends how the books are doing but I would like to work on some of my mysteries.  We’ll see if anyone is clamoring for sequels.

At any rate, I’m not going to start anything that hasn’t already been started.  Whatever has started so far will be finished before a new idea is worked on and this is difficult because, believe me, I have so many ideas.

It’s time I’m getting short on.  It’s do or die time and I need to start churning out books if I’m ever going to have some time to enjoy being a self-publisher.

Plus, I need to throw my NWA style pool party.  Also, I have to save the world with my writing in order to stave off the Mighty Potentate’s invasion.

Thank you for listening, 3.5 readers.  Let me know if you have any advice or if you think any of my half written works deserves to be moved up in the production schedule.

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