Tag Archives: television

Auntie Fucking 101

When Jon Snow bangs his Auntie, he gets…

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Meanwhile at BQB HQ…(don’t even think about it, Aunt Gertie.)

aunt gertie

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Game of Thrones Recap – Episode 7, Season 7 – The Dragon and the Wolf

I’m so sad, 3.5 readers.

One of my favorite shows will soon come to an end…next summer…because they’re making us all wait.

I have to say I have been long waiting for the big, final battle over King’s Landing between the Lannisters and the Khaleesi.  I always assumed that would come first and then the winner would face the White Walkers.

Not so fast as there was a truce.  The Dragon Queen and the Bitchy Queen will hold onto their menstruations for now in order to face the greater white walker threat.

Not exactly the outcome I was hoping for, but perhaps it will pay off in the next season.

I feel a little cheated that these seasons are shorter, but I’ll wait and see.  Perhaps the showrunners know what they are doing.

For a moment, it was looking like there would be a sad showdown between Sansa and Arya, only to see them turn on Littlefinger.  Unlike the Internet, I was sad to see Littlefinger go.  All of the other characters were born into their wealth and prestige.  Littlefinger actually had to work for it.  Sure, he was a douche, but when you only have yourself to rely on, you have to be that much douchier.

During the truce scene, I kept waiting for Cersei to spring a trap.  Maybe all her guests would be killed ala the Red Wedding but nope, no cigar.

The big secret of the show is revealed.  Jon Snow is not a bastard.  He is the son of Rhaegar Targaryen and Lyana Stark.  That means as the oldest male Targaryen he is the rightful ruler of Westeros and oh yeah, since he didn’t know and boned the Khaleesi, he is now an Auntie fucker.

Oh well.  The Targaryens keep it in the family.

Wasn’t it sad to see the Wall go?  It’s been a menacing presence for years only for a damn fire breathing zombie dragon to make short work of it.

What’s next, 3.5 readers?

 

 

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How Game of Thrones is Like Life

What a long, strange trip it’s been, 3.5 readers.

I was in my early 30s when this show began.  I didn’t feel happy about my life at the time but looking back on it, I realize I should have.  I guess that’s the thing about getting older – we only realize how good we used to have it when time goes by and things get worse and believe me, they can always get worse.

Still, there was a difference in my early 30s.  I was unhappy that I’d gotten older, yet there seemed like there was enough time left to pull a happy life off – find a good job, lose weight conquer some of my health issues, meet a girl and start a family.

 

In the back of my mind I knew that age 40 was coming for me, slowly trudging my way like a white walker and just like a snow zombie, age 40 could not be bargained or reasoned with, could not be destroyed, it was coming and so I’d better deal with it.  (I’m about a year and a few months from it eating my brains now.)

In other words, I suppose I would fit in as one of the characters on Game of Thrones.  For seven years, the main characters have been aware that the Khaleesi, Queen of Dragons, was on her way to cross the Narrow Sea and toast everyone to a crispy, golden brown.  As it turns out, she’s too nice to do that but they didn’t know that…and we aren’t entirely sure she won’t yet.  The Khaleesi is trying to be kind and loving but she definitely has a switch that can be flipped that can make her want to cook you with the help of her big ass reptiles.

By the way, aren’t all the dragon action scenes great?  We’ve been waiting a long time for them.

Anyway, like me ignoring the coming of age 40 and failing to get my life in order, the characters all fought over the Iron Throne.  King Robert’s brother Stannis and Renley fought each other for it.  Robb Stark didn’t want it but just wanted to bring his army to King’s Landing to make the Lannisters pay for killing his father, Ned.  Those damn Greyjoys took advantage of the chaos to do some looting and pillaging.  The Boltons got in on the mix.  Honestly, I lose track of how many people wanted that throne.  It was a lot.

But that was the point of the show.  All the characters have known that a Khaleesi was coming but…she was so far away…and there were more pressing matters in front of them.

A smaller handful of characters also knew the white walkers were coming.  They tried harder to warn people but no one would listen.  There’s the rub, I suppose.  If you actually see or experience a threat, you’re more likely to try to do something about it.

I’ve always seen the show as an allegory for America.  We Americans spend so much time fighting each other over our differences – party lines, racial lines, class lines – we don’t stop to think about what we have in common, or to realize that the only thing we have to stop the outside forces who’d like to see this country burn from getting their way is each other.

The warring families could have set aside their differences and been in a better position to stop the Khaleesi from bringing her dragons to cook everyone up.  Alas, they killed each other, decimated the country’s resources and now it’s easy pickens for the Mother of Dragons.

Had they not fought each other, they could have been in a better position to stop the white walkers.  Now it may be too late.

Now as I get older, I see the show as an allegory for life.  This past decade has moved so quickly and at the time, I felt out of control, powerless to fix things.  I knew in the back of my mind that a myriad of health problems would be coming if I didn’t lose weight, that financial problems would come if I didn’t find a better job, that sadness would come if I didn’t find a girl.

Sad to say that by the end of season 7, I’ve only accomplished 1 out of 3.  The good job was found and the financial problems are over, so I don’t have to worry about a looming white walker in the form of financial ruin…but…I still have to worry about a white walker in the form of a heart attack if I don’t lose weight…or a fat ass fire breathing dragon in the form of permanent bachelorhood/inability to father children due to old age.

And I guess that’s the moral of the story.  We focus on the problems right in front of our faces.  It’s too easy to delay the long term problems.  “We’ll worry about the fat ass dragon or the evil white walkers when and/or if they get here” we say, rather than take the daily steps that, when done with regularity, build up over time and help us stave off the impending doom.

In short, I could have lost weight low these past seven years.  That would have made me a healthier man today and would have made it easier to find a girl (wait I have VGRF but maybe this is the Alleged Man’s brain bleeding through), but I didn’t.  Now I fear I may be too late and I might get bitten by the white walker of poor health or be eaten by the dragon of loneliness.

I worry it may be too late for me, 3.5 readers.  However, if you are young, take the warning that this show provides and run with it.

In your life, you have your own personal white walker or perhaps, your own personal dragon.  Maybe it’s money, or romance, or employment or health or addiction or what have you.

Whatever it is, know in the back of your mind that your white walker of a problem is slowly trudging its way down from the North, ready to eat your brains.  Will you assemble an army within yourself to fight it and keep it at bay, or will you wake up one day and find a big chomp has been taken out of your brain and now it is too late?

You know that your Khaleesi of a problem is heading East.  Slowly but surely, she’s kicking ass and taking names, growing her numbers and feeding her dragons so they get big and strong, the bigger and stronger to fricassee your oily hide.  You’re placating yourself, telling yourself that you are young and have plenty of time before that problem becomes a reality.  You’re also fooling yourself.  Will you, again, assemble a personal army inside yourself to fight the dragons, or will you wake up one day and find yourself a charcoal briquette?

I can tell you seven years ago, when this show first began, I knew that if I didn’t get a better job, that if I didn’t lose weight and didn’t find a woman, I’d essentially end up approaching forty, feeling like a white walker had eaten my brain or a dragon had burnt me up.

Now I feel that way.  Sure, I conquered the financial dragon.  I kicked the financial white walker in the gonads.  But I ignored the health dragon/white walker and the romance dragon/white walker and now I’m about to be fried and eaten.

Then again, I suppose it’s never really over until a white walker is actually chowing down on your brains or until a dragon has toasted you, so…I guess I’ll pick myself up, dust myself off and give it another try.

You should too, 3.5 readers.  Feel free to tell me in the comments what you are going to do to keep your personal white walkers from eating your brains or your personal dragon from roasting you and chomping you up like a chicken nugget.

Remember, “Winter is coming.”  That’s been the slogan of the show for seven years.  Our own personal winters are coming – be they in the form of a heart attack because we didn’t eat better, or cancer because we didn’t take care of ourselves, or yuck, being that fifty year old in “da club” still trying to score a date because he didn’t pick someone and try to make the best of it when he was younger.  Sure, Winter seems a long way away but it will be here soon enough and it will bring zombies…and dragons and apparently, a freaking zombie ass dragon.

What will you do to stave off your personal winter, 3.5 readers?

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Daily Discussion with BQB – Always Man the Anti-Dragon Crossbow

Hey 3.5 readers.

BQB here.

I’ve watched the final scene of the latest Game of Thrones episode a bunch of times now, the one where Khaleesi burns the shit out of the Lannister army with her dragon’s red hot fire breath.

Truly, some bad ass shit we fans have been waiting seven years to see.

Question – why was the anti-dragon crossbow just sitting in a covered wagon, all wrapped up and not ready to fire?  Why did Sir Bronn have to fight his way across a battlefield to get to it?

I mean, seriously?  WTF, people?  If you know there’s a crazy ass blonde bitch with a fat ass fire breathing dragon at her command, you would think that it would be common sense for the big ass anti-dragon crossbow to be manned at all times.

Day.  Night.  Weekday.  Weekend.  Holiday.  There should always be some dude behind that crossbow waiting to shoot a damn dragon.

What say you, 3.5 readers?

 

 

 

 

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Game of Thrones Review – Season 7, Episode 4 – The Spoils of War

Hey 3.5 readers.  BQB here.

This episode is one that fans have been waiting to see for years.

First, there was the long awaited reunion of the Stark children.  They were babies when the show started, young adults now.  Any one of the actors/actresses could have gotten too big for their britches and abandoned the show.  Sophie Turner in particular has landed some big roles like Jean Gray in the X Men films.  But they all stuck with their first gig and remained loyal to the fans so this day could come.

Second, how long have we all been waiting for a big time dragon warfare scene?  Pretty awesome.  Pretty devastating.  It would truly suck to be on the business end of a fiery dragon hole, let me tell you.

Want a sign that the writing on this show is fabulous?  It’s that you simultaneously root for all the characters to win.  As Sir Bronn of the Blackwater goes for that big ass anti-dragon crossbow, you simultaneously root for him to blow that dragon out of the sky and also for the dragon to sit Bronn on fire so Khaleesi can survive.

It’s all in the backstory.  We’ve seen Bronn go from rags to riches so we want him to hang in there.  But we’ve seen Khalessi do the same so we want her to stick around too.

We cheer for Khaleesi’s dragons to burn up the Lannister army yet we also cheer Jamie on as he fends off the Dothraki.  What a show that can make us feel for both sides.

Seriously.  The standard for most fantasy fare is one side is so absurdly evil that you can’t wait for them to die at the hands of the good guys who are unwaveringly good.  Here, you get the backstory.  We understand why the Lannisters have done what they have done, just as we understand Khaleesi’s motivations.

Ultimately, it looks like Khaleesi would do the best as Queen of Westeros, but we feel for Bronn and Jamie.  We know how they ended up on that battlefield.  We know under different circumstances they might have chosen better sides.  We don’t want them to become dragon chow.

Plus, when Tyrion says, “You fucking idiot.”  Who is he talking about?  Khaleesi for landing her dragon right in the middle of the battlefield to tend to his wound or Jamie, for charging in the general direction of a damn dragon?  It’s certainly open ended.

Oh and how long have we waited for the Dothraki invasion?  Khaleesi’s loyal army of foreign, wild card warrior rapists have been cooling their heels for a long ass time now and are ready for action.  Also rape.  Not gonna lie.  They’re probably gonna do a lot of raping.  That’s what Dothraki do.  I mean, I don’t want to engage in harmful stereotypes, but always wear a cast iron chastity belt when you’re around a Dothraki.  It’s just common sense, really.

By the way, is it me or have all the rules about how fast armies can travel in this massive continent suspended?  I feel like in the beginning it would take armies half the season to move anywhere.  Now you’ve got Euron Greyjoy taking down Khaleesi’s fleet right away and Khaleesi and dragons and Dothraki make it from Dragonstone to High Garden within the span of an episode.

Oh well.  The writers on this show are suffering some mild senioritis.  I suppose we can overlook travel time rules for more awesome dragon scenes.

 

 

 

 

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Daily Discussion with BQB – Is Comedy Dying?

I caught a bit of “Airplane” (1980) this morning.  Such a funny movie.  Humor for the sake of humor.  Non-stop silly gags.  Things that obviously wouldn’t happen in real life but are there to make you laugh. That’s the whole.

Also, a lot of politically incorrect stuff..

I worry about the fate of comedy.  I feel like everywhere I go, people aren’t laughing anymore.  They are afraid of offending someone and yet there’s the rub.  Every person, every group, every occupation, every individual, every type – there’s humor to be mined out of everyone and everything.

True comedy lovers may get mad when a comedian makes a joke that makes fun of who they are – their particular group, type, etc.  But true comedy lovers will also let that go in order to laugh at the other jokes, jokes that don’t hit as close to home because they make fun of other individuals, groups they aren’t a part of.

America is the melting pot.  We are all simmering in the same stew.  Can we find some humor while we’re in there?  I think it all comes down to motive.  Is your joke meant to make people laugh and have a good time, or is it meant to belittle and make people unhappy?

I see it in what passes for comedy movies these day.  Safe, moderately silly premises that don’t probe, don’t challenge, don’t do anything.

What say you, 3.5 readers?

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Game of Thrones Recap – Season 7, Episode 2 – Stormborn

So, the Khaleesi is planning her invasion.  Her cohorts all want a full assault on King’s Landing.  The Khaleesi has other thoughts in mind.  She doesn’t want to be Queen of the Ashes, i.e. to destroy the city.  She wants to surround it and starve the Queen out.  Meanwhile, Grey Worm and the Unsullied will take Casterly Rock.

Sam is working to cure Mormont despite advice against it, namely, he could catch the disease in the process.

We finally see what eunuch sex looks like.  Ladies, keep an open mind about eunuchs.  They may not have much downstairs, but they make up for it with a little mouth to the south.

Cersei looks like she might have a surface to air anti-dragon weapon.  She also scores the first victory as ally Euron Greyjoy defeats his niece and nephew at sea.  Reek really wusses out.

Khaleesi confronts Varys.  He has a history of conspiring against those he has served to save the realm and also his hide.

Jon Snow decides to meet with Khaleesi despite advice against it.

What say you, 3.5 readers?  Will the Khaleesi pull this off?

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Should Ed Sheeran Have Had a Cameo on Game of Thrones?

Pro – he’s probably a fan who had a good time doing it.

Con – This show is bigger than the actors.  It has never had to rest on large personalities or gimmicks, so this seemed cheesy.

Discuss.

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Game of Thrones Wrap-Up – Season 7, Episode 1 – Dragonstone

It’s a Game of Spoilers, 3.5 readers.  Look away, I say.

Basically, Cersei and Jaime are screwed, and more so than the usual screwing they do to each other.

To the South, the Dornish Amazons are pissed.  To the North, Jon Snow is King.  The Whitewalkers are headed for the Wall.

Oh, and the Khaleesi has landed.  Repeat, the Khaleesi has landed.

Arya has taken out all the Freys with her ninja skills.  Oh and all the kids have officially grown up.  Arya, Bran and Sansa are all super tall and look like they ate their Wheaties over the past year.  Sigh, this decade really has moved fast, hasn’t it?

Yes, things suck big time for Cersei.  And with her children and family gone, Jaime asks the inevitable question of what are they even fighting for?

Her only potential ally at this point seems to be Euron Greyjoy, who promises a fleet and a special mysterious gift if he can get all up in Cersei’s lady business.

Don’t do it, Euron.  You know she’s packing a steel bear trap in that thing.

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TV Review – House of Cards – Season 5

As they say in Gaffney, this review is for people who have been watching the show from the beginning and are all caught up.  Otherwise, the SPOILERS will ruin it for you.

BQB here with a review of “House of Cards-Season 5.”

I thought this show had jumped the shark a couple seasons back where Frank and the fictional Russian President had a personal showdown in the desert but I was wrong.  The shark not only jumped this season, it did backflips.

Here are my observations:

#1 – Surprise Murders/Attacks

The show got a lot of bang for its buck when Frank tossed Zoe in front of that moving subway car with literally no warning.  It made for great, disturbing viewing and heightened the stakes, letting you know the show could turn on the drop of a time.

Sadly, now they always seem to be trying to recreate that moment.  Frank pushes Kathy down a flight of stairs at random in the midst of a conversation with her.  Claire kills Yates with her vagina.  Speaking of…

#2 – Claire Did Not Kill a Man with Her Vagina

I thought maybe she had as Yates died mid coitus.  Maybe she had some sort of top secret CIA device inside her cooter but nope, it was poison (in his drink, not in the vagina.)  Still, another surprise murder.  I mean, not really because Yates had threatened the Underwoods and that’s never a good move for your health but I think the sex part was to trick you into thinking Claire was going to let him off the hook but nope, she just wanted one more turn on that penis before Yates bit the big one.

#3 – Elysium Fields

I had mixed thoughts on that.  First, it was funny.  Second, I think we all assume the rich and powerful get together to divide up and rule the country/world but still, to see it unfold brought the show to a different place.  It was creative and fun though.

#4 – Claire Becomes Vice-President/President

I never really bought that.  It could happen but usually if the First Lady is an asset, they just keep her and put her out there more and then try to add a VP who is also an asset.  In other words, if someone is on your team and scoring points for you, then you’ve got them, so you just add another person to score points.

#5 – Frank Frames Himself

That was way out of left field and total bullshit.  The whole premise of the show is that Frank does evil shit and then does more evil shit to get himself off the hook, that if you are willing to do the most evil shit then you will always win in politics.  He loves power and his own ego so that he’d somehow be willing to hand his wife the presidency and take a powder while she rules seems highly unlikely.

#6 – Claire Acknowledges the Audience

Frank has always had his little asides, breaking the fourth wall to let us in on what he’s up to.  Now Claire is doing it, so to me, that seems like the show is moving towards a final showdown between Frank and Claire.  I kind of yearn for the early days when Frank was the boss and Claire his evil consigliere.  That dynamic just seemed to make more sense.

#7 “I’m Fucking You Because I Hate You”

That lady whose husband died so Frank could have his liver knew Doug did it all along and had sex with him because she hated him?  Please.  I’ve had women completely dump me and abandon all contact because I left the toilet seat up or forgot to wash a dish so I can’t imagine the vengeance a woman would have if a liver was involved.

8 – Real TV Reporters

Does it ever bother you when real TV reporters make cameos in which they “report” on Frank?  If they’re able to act that well, makes you wonder how much of the real news involves acting.

9 – It’s getting boring.

I try not to get too deep into the weeds on some of the more complex conspiracy theories.  At this point if they say it happened then it happened.  I can’t keep track of it all.

10 – It should wrap up soon.

I feel like they’ve gone as far as they can go.  It should probably end with Claire besting Frank or maybe they both take each other out in one last Mr and Mrs Smith style battle royale to the finish.

Your thoughts, 3.5 readers?

 

 

 

 

 

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