Tag Archives: horror

Zom Fu – Chapter 61

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Crunch, crunch, crunch. Junjie’s teeth chewed through veins and gray matter, then swallowed. The taste was abhorrent, yet the anticipation of the knowledge to come took his mind off it. Something had drawn him to this brain and he had to know what.

Junjie closed his eyes. When he opened them, he felt big, bold, strong…and angry…oh, so very angry. He was in the sanctuary of the Clan of the Sacred Yet Inscrutable Tiger Claw, walking hurriedly toward the courtyard. Honghui stood up ahead, next to the Infallible Master, who was holding a baby.

“Junjie?” the master said as he looked down at the infant. “That means ‘handsome hero,’ you know. An awful lot of pressure to put on one so small.”

“Yes,” Honghui said. “But I have no doubt he will live up to the name, master. Ling felt the same way.”

“And where is Ling?” the master asked.

Honghui looked down, sullenly. “Gone.”

The master frowned. “How?”

“Longwei,” Honghui said. “When he learned that Ling and I were leaving the clan so that we could be married, he went mad. He somehow saw it as offense to him, that he was your greatest student and that we could not leave until he’d bested us in a fight.”

The master sighed. “That sounds like Longwei.”

“I declined,” Honghui said. “As did Ling. But Longwei’s words were so cruel that I lost control and called him a fool. That enraged him so much that he laid in wait and as soon as I left, he…he…”

Honghui’s eyes teared up. “…took the brain of the woman I loved.”

The master gasped. “Took her brain?”

Longwei finally reached the courtyard. “Yes! And it was delicious!”

The master pointed the Staff of Ages at Longwei. “Longwei! What has come over you?”

Longwei chuckled. “Destiny,” Longwei said. “That is what has come over me.”

“Away with you,” the master said. “You’ve gone insane.”

“No, master,” Longwei said. “I assure you, I’ve never had a better understanding of the world.”

“I will hear no more of your drivel,” the master said. “You’ve already taken one member of our clan today. You will not take another. Look at what you have become!”

“You have always resented the fact that I was better than you, old man,” Longwei said. “My feet were faster than cheetahs. My muscles were stronger than those of an ox and my hands?”

“Enough,” the master said.

“My hands are swift and dance through my opponents like a graceful dragon twirling through the air,” Longwei said.

The master pulled the baby close to his chest and held the staff high in the air. Clouds formed in the sky. “Enough.”

“You always favored Hongui and Ling over me,” Longwei said.

“A lie you told yourself over and over until you believed it to be true,” the master replied. “I love all my students equally, even you Longwei…even after the evil you have done.”

Longwei drew closer. He gazed upon the baby.

“Give me that child, so that I might snuff it out and spare it a life of knowing what a pathetic weakling its father was.”

Honghui lost control. He charged at Longwei…only to have his brain ripped out by Longwei’s tiger claw.

The master’s heart sunk, but he wasn’t just a master of kung fu. He was a master of his own emotions and buried them down, refusing to cry as Honghui’s lifeless corpse hit the ground.

Longwei bit into Honghui’s brain as if it were an apple. He swallowed, then tossed the rest over his shoulder. He returned his attention to the master.

“Give that child here.”

A lightning bolt shot out of the sky and into the staff. Thunder rolled as the staff glowed bright.

“Do not make me do this, my son,” the master said.

“No one is making you do anything, old man,” Longwei said. “You do what you wish. I know from hereon out, I will do as I wish. I will never be held back by you ever again.”

“I was never holding you back,” the master said. “I was trying to contain your boundless ego, to get it under control before you did…something like what you have just done.”

Longwei reached for the baby. “And I’m just getting started.”

Thok! The master kicked Longwei with such force that he was launched into the air. The old man then took aim with the staff and sent the lightning bolt into Longwei’s body, killing him instantly, even before he hit the ground.

Darkness. Longwei saw nothing but darkness. Seconds later, he opened his eyes. He looked up at the master, who was standing over him, still holding the baby.

“Longwei?” the master asked.

Longwei looked into the master’s eyes, and caught the reflection of his face in them. In that reflection, Longwei was able to see that his own eyes had gone blank – pure white, devoid of anything else.

“There…there is no Longwei….there is only…Dragonhand.”

The master pointed the staff at Dragonhand’s face. “Leave here at once, creature. Do not darken this sanctuary’s doorstep again, or that will be the end of you.”

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Nine Weeks of Toilet Gator Sundays!

Happy Easter, 3.5 readers.  Do yourself a favor.  Cancel all your plans with family and friends.

Instead of that whole mess, kick back with a beer and a chocolate bunny and read the greatest novel ever written about an alligator who pops out of toilets and bites people on the butt.

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Toilet Gator – Chapter 11

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12:00 A.M.

The late Countess Cucamonga’s dressing room had become a full fledged crime scene. FBI Agent Sharon Walker supervised as an army of forensic technicians worked the scene, placing every blood soaked item into individual evidence bags. She was a tall woman in her late thirties. Her long black hair was pulled back behind her head in a ponytail and a pair of sunglasses sat on top of her forehead. Much like her black pantsuit, her demeanor was all business.

“Bag and tag everything, people,” Sharon said. “And God help you if I see those butt implants being sold on the Internet.”

Sharon’s partner, Gordon Bishop, was a snappy dresser. He wore a dark suit with white pinstripes, suspenders, and a wide white tie. A red pocket square poked ever so slightly out of his breast pocket.

“What do you suppose could have done this?” Gordon asked.

“I don’t know,” Sharon said. “Chainsaw? Wood chipper?”

“I suppose,” Gordon said.

“What else could liquify a human body within seconds and leave it sprayed all over the walls?” Sharon asked.

“So I’m a world famous pop star with a fat ass,” Gordon said.

“The fat ass part is the only believable portion of that statement,” Sharon replied.

“Shut up, bitch,” Gordon said. “You know I work out more than you do. So anyway, I’m a world famous pop star with a fat ass. I just did a big show. I say good night to my manager and my security guards. I come inside my dressing room. I enter my bathroom to take a shit and what, some psycho with a chainsaw is waiting for me?”

“Or a wood chipper,” Sharon said.

“OK,” Gordon said. “Assume for the sake of argument that some whacko was able to sneak a chainsaw or a wood chipper or some other kind of large cutting device into the building and get past all of the security and end up lying in wait in Countess Cucamonga’s dressing room and he slices and dices her, what happens next?”

“Both guards made it clear in their statements that the second they heard the Countess scream, they ran into the room and found the bathroom in the horrendous state it is in now,” Sharon said.

“Right,” Gordon said. “Which begs the question, ‘How did the perp get away?’”

“It’s like he vanished into thin air,” Sharon said.

“With his giant cutting device as well?” Gordon said. “Something doesn’t add up.”

Sharon poked her head into the bathroom, where a technician was taking photographs of all the blood and guts stuck to the walls. “A lot of things don’t add up.”

“Why would the suspect bust up the toilet?” Gordon asked. “Why would he break the water pipe?”

Sharon sighed. “It’s like every question generates a new question…and the answers never come.”

Gordon’s ringtone blared. “Stank Daddy in the house, gonna smack a bitch…”

“Hello?” Gordon asked as he raised the phone to his ear. “Uh huh…”

Gordon looked to his partner and raised his pointer finger up in the air as if to say, “one minute.” He then stepped out into the hallway.

Irving, Countess Cucamonga’s manager, sat on a couch, crying with his head in his hands. Sharon took a seat next to him.

“I’ve answered all your questions!” Irving snapped.

“I know,” Sharon said.

Irving wiped the tears from his cheeks. “I’ve got nothing to hide.”

“I didn’t say you did,” Sharon said.

“Good,” Irving said.

Sharon ran her left hand along the soft, velvety couch arm. “Although in my experience, people with something to hide usually don’t blurt out, ‘I’ve got nothing to hide.’”

“I didn’t do it,” Irving said. “Why would I? The woman was making me a fortune. She was my cash cow, my meal ticket, my, my…”

“Relax,” Sharon said. “I don’t think you did it.”

“Thank God,” Irving said. “I wouldn’t last a day in prison.”

“What I would like to know…”

Irving interrupted his inquisitor. “Seriously, they’d pass me around the yard like a doobie and do all manner of unspeakable things to my butt hole.”

“Your butt hole is safe,” Sharon said. “Now, what I would like to know, is who do you think did it?”

Irving sat back and stared at the ceiling. “Who do I think did it?”

“Any suspects come to mind?” Sharon asked. “A jealous ex-boyfriend? An ex-employee with a grudge? A psycho fan, a…”

Irving snapped his fingers. “A psycho fan.”

“She had one?” Sharon asked.

“Tons of them,” Irving said. “Literally every man in the world was in love with her enormous behind.”

“I’m aware,” Sharon said. “I have a TV.”

“Thousands of letters pour in everyday, weirdo perverts ranting and raving about all the terrible things they want to do to her butt,” Irving said.

“The price of fame,” Sharon said.

“Yeah,” Irving said. “But there’s this one guy. Freddie Milton.”

“What about him?” Sharon asked.

“Insane stalker,” Irving said. “Sent her videos of himself naked, cutting himself, saying he wanted to crawl up inside her giant ass and live inside it forever.”

“Ugh,” Sharon said.

“She had a restraining order against him,” Irving said. “Last year, she came home and found him lying on her bed, wearing her clothes, two giant soccer balls stuffed down the back of his underpants. Told her he wanted to be with her while he was dressed like her.”

“What happened?” Sharon asked.

“Security goons beat the shit out of him,” Irving said. “Drove him out to the desert and threw him out of the car. Judge ordered him to stay a thousand yards away at all times. She never heard from him again.”

Sharon pulled a small notebook out of her pocket and jotted Freddie Milton’s name, as well as some of the details Irving had shared.

“I’ll definitely be passing this along to Miami PD,” Sharon said.

“Miami PD?” Irving asked. “But the Countess deserves the best!”

“Honestly, sir,” Sharon said. “We came at the request of Miami PD to back them up as this is a high profile celebrity case but ultimately, this is Miami’s jurisdiction here.”

Irving pointed towards the bathroom. “I know a lot of people wrote her off as just another flighty diva, but she was an angel, I tell you.”

“I’m sure she was quite special,” Sharon said.

“She was literally on the verge of saving the world with her exquisite ass!” Irving said.

“I’m sure she was,” Sharon said.

Gordon appeared in the doorway and motioned for Sharon to join him. As soon as Sharon entered the hallway, Gordon started walking. Sharon followed.

“Where are we going?” Sharon asked.

“You’re never going to believe this,” Gordon said.

“Try me,” Sharon said.

“Two more murders,” Gordon said. “One at a nursing home in Boca Raton. One at a community college.”

“Holy shit,” Sharon said.

“Same circumstances,” Gordon added.

“Same circumstances?” Sharon asked.

“Victims killed on the toilet,” Gordon said. “Their bodies eviscerated, nothing but blood and guts on the walls remaining. Toilets and water pipes broken.”

“A serial killer?” Sharon asked.

“Or a serial killing cult,” Gordon answered.

“Holy shit,” Sharon said. “The FBI has jurisdiction then.”

“Damn right we do,” Gordon said. “Special Agent in Charge Baker says we’re on this mess for the duration.”

Sharon pulled a pack of cigarettes out of her pocket and popped a smoke into her mouth. She then pulled out her lighter and lit the cigarette.

“Guess I’ll be putting off my plan to quit smoking until next month,” Sharon said.

The duo reached an elevator. Gordon pushed the call button.

“Do what you want,” Gordon said. “But can I give you some free advice?”

“Would it matter if I said no?” Sharon asked.

“No,” Gordon said.

Ding! The elevator doors opened. The duo entered. Gordon pushed the button for the lobby.

“If you wait for your life to get easy before you fix it, then your life will never get any easier,” Gordon said.

“That was exceptionally profound, Gordo,” Sharon said. “You pull that out of a fortune cookie or something?”

Gordon shook his head. “Read a book, bitch. Read a book.”

Ding! The elevator doors opened. Sharon and Gordon made their way into the lobby, through a sea of unruly fans and out of control paparazzi. Their camera flashes were blinding. Sharon dropped her sunglasses over her eyes.

“Where’s the community college?”

“Sitwell,” Gordon replied.

Sharon’s face turned red. “Son of a bitch.”

“Something wrong?”  Gordon asked.

Sharon went into a trance for a few moments, then snapped out of it.  She pulled her phone out of her pocket and started dialing.  “No.  I just need to get a pervert arrested.”

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Zom Fu is in the Home Stretch

Hey 3.5 readers.

Dragonhand is dead!  Again!  Huzzah!

So now its just a matter of wrapping it all up.  That will still take awhile, but there’s light at the end of the tunnel.  I may be on my way to finishing another novel draft.

Thank you to the 3.5 of you who have been reading.

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Zom Fu – Chapter 60

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Two jagged, golden swords adorned the walls of the Emperor’s throne room.  Dragonhand and Junjie had each managed to get there hands on one and sparks were flying as metal clanged on metal.

“Why does the name ‘Longwei’ offend you so?” the Infallible Master asked.

Dragonhand swiped his sword just over Junjie’s head.  “There is no Longwei!  There is only Dragonhand!”

“I see,” the master said.  “And it agonizes you to be called Longwei?”

Dragonhand stepped back, barely missing a strike from Junjie.  “How many times must I tell you, you dense, obtuse old idiot?  There is no Longwei!  There is only Dragonhand!”

Clang, clang, clang!  The swordplay continued.

“Then why is it that it offends you when I tell you that you were not my best student?”  the master asked.

Junjie sailed through the air at his opponent, his foot straight out in a kick position.  Dragonhand caught his adversary’s foot, twisted it, then flipped him to the ground.  Junjie stood right up, sword at the ready.

“Because I was your best student!”  Dragonhand shouted.  “I was the pride of the Clan of the Sacred Yet Inscrutable Tiger Claw!  I fought harder and better than everyone combined and yet you held me back at every turn.”

The master chuckled.  “You mean I held Longwei back at every turn.”

Dragonhand turned his attention to the master.  It was a fool movie, as Junjie was able to land an uppercut against the zombified warrior’s jaw.  Dragonhand retaliated with a brutal kick that knocked Junjie into a nearby wall.

“What?”  Dragonhand asked.

“I never trained a creature named Dragonhand,” the master said.  “I trained a young man named Longwei.  He was bright and bold.  Skilled and knowledgeable to be certain, but more concerned with glory and applause than working with his clan as one part of a larger whole.”

Dragonhand appeared confused.  He pointed at the master.  “Enough of your tricks!”

Junjie pulled himself out of the rut his body had formed when he slammed into the wall. He ran at Dragonhand and the swords connected again.

“You are wrong that there is no Longwei,” the master said.  “Longwei’s soul suffers torment in Diyu, the same torment we all will be forced to suffer when our time comes and we cross over.  One day, sooner or later, the Yama Kings will judge that Longwei’s sins have been sufficiently punished and atoned for, and he will be free to live in Heaven for eternity.”

Clang, clang, clang!  Junjie and Dragonhand locked eyes and stared at one another as they pressed hard against one another’s swords.  They hoped in vain to budge the other, but neither fighter would be moved.

“Silence!” Dragonhand cried.

“You, on the other hand, are merely a creature of flesh and bone,” the master said.  “There is no soul in you.  There is nothing of import in you.   Your mind operates based on a brain that doesn’t belong to you.  You share Longwei’s thoughts.  Clearly, you sometimes get confused and think you are him, but you aren’t.  You are just a pile of sentient meat and when you are gone, there will be nothing left of you.”

Dragonhand dropped his sword.  Junjie assumed this was the perfect moment to attack.  He raised his blade and was about to bring it down on his opponent’s head when Dragonhand bashed his skull into Junjie’s, dropping the hero with a vicious head butt.

“I don’t recall that move ever being recorded in the annals of kung fu,” the master said.

“I do what it takes to win,” Dragonhand said.

“A trait you share with the former inhabitant of that body I’m afraid,” the master said.  “But no, no.  No need to remind me.  You’re not Longwei.  You are the mighty Dragonhand.”

Dragonhand’s face was bloody.  His nose was broken.  He picked up his sword and ran towards the old man.  He rammed his sword into the apparition, slicing and dicing through the ghost but it was no use.  He was, in essence, chopping up thin air.

“Does this make you feel better?” the master asked.

Dragonhand was enraged.  “Raaaaaarrrgh!”

The fiend spotted Junjie.  The hero was kneeling on the floor, with his face down, blood trickling out of it.  Dragonhand went to the Dragon Throne and picked up the Staff of Ages.

“It’s time to finish this.”

Dragonhand walked toward Junjie.  He raised the staff over his head.  Lighting cracked through the ceiling and into the staff.  Thunder clapped.

“You will watch your student die now, old man!”

“It will be a pity to lose my best student,” the master said nonchalantly.

Another bolt of lightning struck the staff.  More thunder.

“I was your best student,” Dragonhand said.

“Again,” the master said.  “Longwei was my student.  I don’t know you, strange creature.”

Dragonhand pointed the staff at the ghost.  The ruby glowed bright purple.  “Not another word.”

The master nodded.  “As you wish, stranger.”

But the master wasn’t done talking.  As far as Dragonhand knew, the old man was silent.  However, his words flowed through Junjie’s mind.  “I doubt your parents spent long in Diyu.  They are in Heaven now, looking down upon you.  Will you make them proud?”

Junjie’s head remained down.  In the turmoil, he’d dropped his sword.  It rested on the ground, several feet away.  His right hand trembled.

A third bolt of lightning hit the staff.  Thunder clapped again.  Dragonhand turned the staff at Junjie.  With all his might, Junjie struggled to turn his right hand into a tiger claw.

“Now you will know the power of zom fu!”  Dragonhand shouted.  “Now all of China will cower before…”

Before Dragonhand could say his own name, Junjie crammed his tiger claw into the creature’s skull and pulled out a goopy, gloppy, still-pulsating brain.

Like a chicken with its head cut off, Dragonhand’s body stumbled.  His feet took him a few steps forward, then a few steps backward.  The entire top half of his head was gone.  Only the part from his mouth on down remained.

“All,” Dragonhand said with a strained voice.  “All of China will…will…they will all cower before…”

The fiend’s body hit the floor.  His mouth had one last word to say.  “…Dragonhand.”

Junjie looked at the brain in his hand.  It glistened and glowed in the moonlight that poured in through the thunderbolt made holes in the ceiling.

The Infallible Master stepped over to his protege.  “I never doubted you.”

“You didn’t?”  Junjie asked.

The master shook his head.  “Perhaps there was a modicum of doubt.  A slight, insignificant amount of doubt.  Overall, I was fairly certain that this ordeal would end with Dragonhand’s carcass on the floor and his brain in your hand.”

“You were only fairly certain?”  Junjie asked.

“Let’s not ruin the moment, my son,” the master replied.

Junjie stared at the gray matter in his hand.  “Every brain I have ever seen has repulsed me.  They normally make me sick to my stomach but this one…this one…”

“Intrigues you?”  the master asked.

“Yes,”  Junjie said.  “I crave it.  I’m hungry for it.  It’s all I can do to keep myself from biting it.”

The master nodded.  “Perhaps it different from other brains.”

“How so?”  Junjie asked.

“Perhaps it contains knowledge that you have yearned for your entire life,” the master said.

Junjie licked his lips, then looked away from the brain.  “No.  I could never.  I don’t want to end up like him.”

“You will never end up like Dragonhand,”  the master said.  “You are too pure of heart to become a brain addict.  Of that, I am certain.”

“You keep saying that brain eating will never turn me into one of the undead,” Junjie said.  “But honestly, how certain of that are you really?”

The master shook his head.  “Fairly certain.”

Junjie rolled his eyes.

“I’ve been alive for a thousand years, my son,” the master said.  “Trust me.  ‘Fairly certain’ is the best anyone ever gets.”

Junjie continued to stare at the brain.

“Make a choice,” the master said.  “Bite it or destroy it, but either way, let’s get on with it.”

“Well,” Junjie said as he brought the brain up to his lips.  “Here goes nothing.”

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Toilet Gator – Chapter 8

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Natalie sat in the passenger seat as Walt drove down the highway. The bravado laden voice of America’s favorite anchorman blustered through her ear.

“Natalie Brock. A helluva job you did on the Countess Cucamonga murder story. Helluva job.”

Natalie’s heart fluttered. She’d always dreamed of talking to the man behind the most coveted desk in cable news and now she was. “Thank you. I’m so glad you called, Mr. Manley.”

“Oh, please,” Kurt said. “Mr. Manley was my father. Call me Kurt.”

“OK Kurt,” Natalie replied.

“To be the first on the scene when the world’s most beloved pop star is snuffed out like a spent candle,” Kurt said. “You must have drunk a second glass of lucky juice today, my friend.”

“I was just in the right place at the right time,” Natalie said. “Not that I’m happy the Countess is gone, of course.”

“Of course,” Kurt said. “Blah, blah, blah, we all have to be human and say we’re sorry that we were around when bad shit went down but you know as well as I do that bad shit is always going to go down and its better for our careers if we’re there when it does.”

“I can’t deny that,” Natalie said.

“I hope you broke your foot off in that incompetent cameraman’s ass though,” Kurt said.

Natalie looked at her driver. His attention was on the road. “He was, um, severely reprimanded.”

“Excellent,” Kurt said. “Well anyway, I just wanted to congratulate you on the bang up job you did and let you know that you can take it easy because a Hot Ass Blonde Chick with Big Titties is being dispatched to Florida as we speak.”

Natalie closed her eyes. She covered her phone’s receiver with her hand, then blurted out multiple obscenities.

“Natalie?” Kurt asked as the reporter raised the phone back to her ear. “You there?”

“Sorry,” Natalie said. “Bad connection. You were saying?”

“You’re off the story,” Kurt said. “The bigwigs and I were impressed by your bravery. I mean, appearing on TV with your looks? That takes huevos, chica. Huevos grandes.”

Natalie took a deep breathe. “Kurt, with all due respect, I believe I’m the most qualified to report on this story. I’ve already broken it. I’ve already spoken to witnesses and authorities on the scene. I’ve even interviewed Countess Cucamonga’s manager on a number of occasions and he will no doubt prove to be a vital contact as the case progresses.”

“Let me stop you right there,” Kurt said. “You’re talking about qualifications and I’m talking about something else.”

“What are you talking about?” Natalie asked.

“Blonde hair and big titties,” Kurt said. “You don’t have ‘em and we need ‘em.”

“That’s disgusting,” Natalie said.

“Maybe it is,” Kurt said. “But we’re Network News One and you know our motto: The Hottest Blonde Chicks. The Biggest Titties and…”

“Oh yeah, and occasionally we report the news and shit,” Natalie said. “I know it well.”

“Then you understand the bind we’re in,” Kurt said.

“I understand you’re a bunch of sexist pigs,” Natalie said.

Kurt sighed. “Natalie, it’s easy to write the type of reporter that we here at NN1 prefer as a product of sexism, but if you do that, I think you’re missing the bigger picture.”

“Which is?” Natalie asked.

“The world is a terrible place,” Kurt said. “Umpteen zillion years ago, God granted us the gift of life and we’ve been repaying him for the favor by killing ourselves and each other at a rapid clip ever since. We’ve yet to put our minds to curing that which ails us, like cancer and heart disease, but everyday a new fangled method of killing the masses is invented. It’s sickening when you really think about it.”

“What does that have to do with…”

“Hot ass blonde chicks with big titties?” Kurt asked.

“Right,” Natalie asked.

“The people must be educated about what’s going on in the world,” Kurt said. “But with all the death and depravity going on, would anyone really bother turning on the news unless a hot ass blond chick with big titties was there to report on it?”

“I like to think that people don’t care about what the reporter looks like so much as the quality of the news report,” Natalie said.

Kurt chuckled. “And I think a leprechaun ought to swoop down on a magic unicorn and give me a pot of gold and a Vietnamese hooker loaded up with enough ping pong balls to choke a horse but we’re talking about reality here, kiddo, not fantasy.”

“This isn’t fair,” Natalie said.

“Oh boo hoo,” Kurt said. “Guess what? Life is unfair. Do you think some janitor making minimum wage to snake out shitty toilets only to come home and write out an alimony check for three-quarters of his pathetic salary to his no-good, two-timing ex-wife even though she hasn’t allowed him to see his kids for six months would ever, EVER want to turn on the news and learn about how many people were blown to smithereens today unless that information was pouring out of the supple red lips of a hot ass blonde chick with big titties?”

Natalie struggled for a response but couldn’t find one.

“Do you know how much joy our hot ass blonde chicks with big kitties bring to the average male news viewer?” Kurt asked. “Do you know that the average porn website costs over fifty dollars for a three month subscription? Do you know that in our recent viewer survey, a whopping eighty-nine percent of respondents said that they watch our channel for ‘fapping material?’ We’ve got people masterbating to our reporters and learning about war, destruction, chaos and the latest monkey produced virus to be found in their microwave TV dinners. It’s a beautiful thing.”

“I guess I never thought about it that way,” Natalie said.

“Most women don’t,” Kurt said. “Most women don’t understand what it’s like to have a penis. That little guy demands action 24/7, the type of action that our overburdened, overpopulated world is ill-equipped to offer anyone. The closes the average man will ever come to a hot ass blonde chick with big titties is to watch our channel.”

“Even so,” Natalie said. “I still…”

“Plus,” Kurt said. “Did you know that we are the nation’s number one employer of hot ass blonde chicks with big titties? Without our network, hot ass blonde chicks would be forced to resort to one of the other despicable professions they’re known to work in. We’re talking stripping, pornography, or even worse, appearing in network dramas for scale. Scale, Natalie! Are you trying to starve our hot ass blonde chicks with big titties?”

“No,” Natalie said. “I would never want to hurt the hot ass blonde chicks with big titties.”

“Good,” Kurt said.

Natalie searched within herself for strength. After mustering some up, she gave it one last try.

“Kurt,” Natalie said. “I’ve been trapped at the same local station for ten years. I don’t want to be here for my entire career. If I lose this story, I doubt I’ll ever find another one like it. Please. Don’t take me off it.”

There was dead silence on Kurt’s end of the phone for a moment. Finally, the anchorman sighed and started talking again. “You got guts, lady. You know, you remind me of a young me. Hard to believe, I know, but I wasn’t born the stud muffin I am today, the same stud muffin that gets women to tune in by the millions. We here at NN1 aren’t just about brining the news to men while they get off. Every night, the nation’s supply of females tune in just to flick the old bean around to yours truly.”

Natalie made a face of pure disgust. She was glad Kurt wasn’t able to see it. “OK then.”

“With a little hair dye a whole lot of plastic surgery, you too can be a hot ass blonde chick with big titties,” Kurt said.

“But I don’t want to be a hot ass blonde chick with big titties,” Natalie said.

“Yeah, well,” Kurt said. “Maybe I didn’t want to have ten trillion hairs ripped out of my anus and surgically implanted on my head in order to fight my male pattern baldness. Maybe I didn’t want my teeth replaced with shiny porcelain chiclets. Maybe I didn’t want silicone gel implanted in my pecs or off brand, illegally imported, discount Guatemalan botox shot into my face by a nursing school drop out every morning but damn it, I wanted to be the best damn anchorman around so I did what I had to do. Was I wrong when I said you had huevos grandes?”

“No,” Natalie said.

“Then get out there and get yourself some blonde hair and big titties!” Kurt said.

“But,” Natalie said. “There’s not enough time for me to get blonde hair and big titties.”

“Well,” Kurt said. “You better think of something because your boldness just bought you another round of airtime, kid.”

“Thank God,” Natalie said.

“No,” Kurt said. “Thank me.”

“Thank you, Kurt,” Natalie said.

“And the next time I see you on air, you better look like you just walked off the set of Jumbo Jigglers Part Seventeen.”

Click. Kurt hanged up. Natalie did as well.

“Network News One?” Walt asked.

“Kurt Manley himself,” Natalie answered.

“Wow,” Walt said. “Someone’s moving up in the world.”

Natalie rested her head against the cool glass of the passenger’s side window and watched the bright lights of Miami pass her by. “Where the hell am I going to get blonde hair and big titties at this hour?”

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Zom Fu – Chapter 59

tabletdemo

Bonk! Bonk! Bonk!

Multiple skulls cracked under the weight of the Whirlwind’s club, but the creatures kept coming.

“Baldy!” the Whirlwind shouted. “Anytime you want to get off your fat ass and help me murder some of these brain biting bastards, let me know.”

Niu remained silent and motionless. His breathing was shallow. His chest moved slowly up and down.

“Fine,” the Whirlwind said as he conked a zombie upside the head, dropping it to the ground. “Let me do all the work.”

“Blargh!” a zombie cried as it chomped its teeth in the Whirlwind’s direction. The Whirlwind knocked them out in one fell swoop.

“Hmm,” the Whirlwind said as he looked at the blood on his club. “Effective.”

The thief looked around. Over a dozen zombies were standing around him in a circle, kept at bay only by the Whirlwind’s fancy club work. However, he knew he wouldn’t be able to fend off the monsters on his own forever.

“Well,” the Whirlwind said as he closed his eyes. “Here goes nothing.”

Like a cyclone, or rather, like his namesake, the Whirlwind spun around and around and around, bonking one zombie skull after another with his club. Bonk, bonk, bonk, bonk, bonk…the zombies’ skulls grew weaker and weaker until…kaboom! All twelve undead heads exploded, showering the thief with a hefty rain of blood, guts, and brain pieces.

The Whirlwind looked around in sheer amazement. “Very effective.”

The thief flicked a piece of brain off of his robe. “Oh right,” he said as he pulled a chrysanthemum out of his pocket and devoured it. “Better take my medicine before I end up like one of these pricks.”

The Whirlwind holstered his club, then picked up Niu’s hands. The giant’s arms were as heavy as tree trunks.

“Would you believe it, baldy?” the Whirlwind asked as he strained to pull his fallen comrade. “Club fu is real!”

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Zom Fu – Chapter 58

tabletdemo
General Tsang’s knees were old and weak. The pain was getting to him as he ran through the streets of the Forbidden City, slip sliding through rain soaked cobble stone paths.

“We’ll reach the escape passage soon, Your Majesty,” the general said to his wee charge. The Emperor’s little arms were wrapped so tightly around the general’s neck that the old man struggled for air.

The general came to a crossroads. None of the options looked promising. Zombified warriors approached from the side streets to the left and the right, as well as from the road straight ahead.

“We’ll have to double back,” the general said as he turned around only to find Rage Dog standing in front of him, his hair slick and wet. A flash of lightning illuminated the night sky. A thunderclap followed.

“Come back for more, have you?” General Tsang asked.

Rage Dog laughed. He drew closer, as did the zombified warriors. Evil closed in from all sides as the general produced his dagger.

“Don’t worry,” General Tsang said. “You’ll get it.”

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Zom Fu – Chapter 57

tabletdemo

Dragonhand wasted no time. He delivered ten slaps to Junjie’s stomach and another nine slaps to Junjie’s chest. Junjie grabbed Dragonhand’s hand before the tenth slap was landed, saving himself from explosion via the mystifying monkey slap.

“Knowledge is power,” Dragonhand said as he seized Junjie and flipped him into the air. “But experience is essential. So many have died due to the knowledge I have stolen from the brains of China’s greatest kung fu masters. How many have died at your hand?”

Junjie launched himself into the air and brought his arm down in a furious fox paw arc. The fiend stepped out of the way, leaving Junjie to crack marble floor with his fist.

The Infallible Master watched from a vantage point next to the Dragon Throne. “You were always so boastful, Longwei.”

Dragonhand ignored the old man and charged at Junjie. Junjie attempted to jump over Dragonhand, but his foot was caught by his adversary. He was flung ten feet across the throne room, but managed to right himself and land on his feet.

“Impressive,” Dragonhand said as he looked into Junjie’s eyes. “I see such hatred in your eyes.”

“Pay him no mind, disciple,” the master said.

“Why do you despise me so?” Dragonhand asked as he pointed at the ghost. “Because I killed that doddering old fool?”

Punch and deflect. Punch and deflect. The opponents became locked in a frustrating struggle, catching one another’s fists over and over. Dragonhand swept his foot underneath Junjie’s leg, knocking the young man on his back. Junjie sprang to his feet instantly.

“Gratitude is in order,” Dragonhand said. “He would have eventually found a way to hold you back, just as he did me.”

“I never held you back, Longwei,” the master said.

Dragonhand looked at the ghost. “Shut up.”

“The truth disturbs you, Longwei?” the master asked.

Taking advance of a distracted foe, Junjie bicycle kicked his way across the room, connecting his feet to Dragonhand’s face seven times. Once he regained his footing, Dragonhand hurled himself at the hero and brought both hands down against the side’s of Junjie’s throat.

The Devastating Crane Smash. Junjie felt its effects instantly. He fell to the ground. His face turned blue as he gasped for air. Dragonhand smiled as he walked in a circle around his opponent.
“And now you’ll know who your best student was, old man,” Dragonhand said as he raised his fist up high, preparing to bring it down on Junjie’s head.

“His name is Junjie, Longwei,” the master said.

Dragonhand turned to the master again. “Never say that name to me again!”

“What name?” the master asked. “Longwei?”

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The Walking Dead Recap – Season 7, Episode 16 – Season 7 Finale – “The First Day of the Rest of Your Life”

Wowie zowie, 3.5 readers.  All I can say is:

mknight

What a twist!  So many twists in this episode and they were all very unexpected.

I won’t spoil it with the details, but it was the best episode of the entire series.  My only worry is I don’t know if they will ever be able to top it.  I hope it’s not all downhill from here.

What say you, 3.5 readers?

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