Tag Archives: horror

Zom Fu = #677 in Wattpad Horror

Hey 3.5 readers.

Your old pal BQB here.

Check it out.  Zom Fu is #677 in Wattpad Horror:

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If you’re a Wattpadder, maybe consider giving it a vote, or a comment, or some feedback on how I can make it better.  I mean, it’s a tale that involves kung fu AND zombies, so it is already pretty awesome, but if you have suggestions I am all ears.

Thank you 3.5.

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Six Weeks of Toilet Gator Sundays!

Truly, the longest meaningful commitment I’ve ever made…

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Part 7 – Siege of the Forbidden City

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Dragonhand and the Clan of the Terrifyingly Unnatural Brain Bite lay siege to the Forbidden City.

General Tsang saves the Emperor in the nick of time.

Junjie, Niu, the Infallible Master and the Clan of the Mediocre Yet Effective Club Bonk arrive to beat back the zombie hordes.

Chapter 41          Chapter 42         Chapter 43

Chapter 44         Chapter 45         Chapter 46

Chapter 47         Chapter 48         Chapter 49

Chapter 50

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The Walking Dead Recap – Season 7, Episode 14 – “The Other Side”

SPOILERS!

You know 3.5 readers, The Walking Dead Makes me sad, not due to the post-apocalyptic landscape, but rather, because there are all these women who have men that have died and they are obsessed with avenging them.

Do you think Video Game Rack Fighter would avenge me if I were to be vanquished by a super villain?  Doubtful.  She’d shrug her shoulders, go, “Meh,” then return to playing another game of Car Thief Mayhem.

In this episode, the two women that the late Abraham was boinking (behind each others’ backs) team up to avenge their man’s death.  This makes me jealous of Abraham, not because he’s dead (that’s nothing to be jealous of) but because the two women loved him so much that they are willing to put the anger they have at each other over banging the man they thought was theirs in order to avenge him.

I don’t have a woman willing to avenge me.  Hell, I don’t even have a woman willing to make me a sandwich.

Sasha and Rosita are a formidable team.  Call them “Abe’s Babes.”  What say you, 3.5 readers?

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Zom Fu – Chapter 50

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All but one of Rage Dog’s underlings had perished, their skulls cracked and brains demolished under the weight of General Tsang’s sword. The last undead creature was on the floor, feasting on Nianzu’s entrails. The general’s cousin, as well as Weiyuan and Tengfei, were no more.

Woosh! The general cut a wide swath through the air as Rage Dog. The undead fighter then countered with a barrage of punches to the general’s midsection.

“Who do you think you are, that you would undermine he who carries the Mandate of Heaven?” General Tsang asked as he brought the hilt of his sword down, clonking Rage Dog on the top of the head.

Rage Dog backed up, then through himself through the air with a somersault before connecting his foot with the general’s face.

“I carry the mandate of Dragonhand,” Rage Dog said upon landing on his feet. “His will is all that matters and he will have the Emperor’s brain.”

General Tsang plunged his sword into Rage Dog’s gut. The undead warrior made an annoyed face at the general, shook his head in a disapproving manner, then stepped back, relieving his stomach of the blade as he did so.

Rage Dog turned his right hand into a tiger claw, a move that caught the general’s attention.

“You are a student of the Infallible Master?” General Tsang asked.

“Ha,” Rage Dog scoffed. “He is far from infallible.”

General Tsang charged at Rage Dog but was sidestepped and was instantly punished with a kick to his back.

“That is true,” General Tsang said. “He apparently failed you.”

The general searched Rage Dog’s blank eyes for a reaction. Seeing none, he continued. “Even so, he is the best man I know.”

“Then your social circle is very limited,” Rage Dog retorted.

The opponents paced back and forth, staring one another down.

“The Infallible Master is gracious and forgiving,” General Tsang. “He is a master of magics I could not begin to comprehend. Perhaps he could be convinced to take pity on you and help you with your condition.”

Rage Dog cocked his head to one side in the manner of an actual dog who is having difficulty understanding a statement. “No thank you. I no longer serve those who do not recognize my talent.”

“Ah,” General Tsang said. “And Dragonhand does I suppose?”

“He is very wise,” Rage Dog said.

“He is a fool,” General Tsang said. “And he has played you for a fool.”

The pair paced some more.

“It doesn’t seem as though we will settle this score with words,” General Tsang said.

“Apparently not,” Rage Dog said.

A few moments passed before Rage Dog made the next move. He launched himself toward the general with his tiger clawed hand pointed straight out. The general lopped it off with a quick slice, then rammed his sword through Rage Dog’s gut once more. This time, General Tsang rushed towards the wall and pinned his opponent against it.

Rage Dog looked down at the sword that was buried inside of him, holding him against the wall. He grabbed the hilt and attempted to extricate himself, but the general had plunged the blade in too hard and deep.

General Tsang took a moment to catch his breath. He pulled back a few strands of hair that had fallen into his eyes, then removed the dagger from his belt. He stuck it into the brain of the beast that had been feeding on his cousin. The creature fell to the side, making way for the general to close his cousin’s eyelids with his hand.

“It pains me to do this to one of the Infallible Master’s disciples,” General Tsang said as he stepped over to Rage Dog with dagger in hand. “But I’m afraid you leave me no choice.”

The general reached back and was about to pierce Rage Dog’s brain when he noticed his adversary’s eyes were locked on something. It appeared as though Rage Dog was almost in a trance. Confused, the general followed the undead warrior’s gaze until he too saw what his opponent had been staring at – the Emperor. The little boy had emerged from his hiding place. He stood amidst the carnage, trembling.

General Tsang sighed. He returned his dagger to his belt, then put his hand on the hilt of his sword, making sure it was buried as far into the wall as it would go.

“Come now, Your Majesty,” the general said as he scooped the boy up in his arms. “Close your eyes, for you are much to little too witness such sights.”

The general exited the room with his charge in hand. Rage Dog looked down at the sword in his gut. He put both hands on it and gritted his teeth as he pulled with all of his might. The blade would not budge.

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Toilet Gator – Chapter 5

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Like some kind of odd, six legged monster, the trio hobbled their way down a side street and onto the main campus of Sitwell Community College. It was a cool Spring night and students were bustling about, posting trivial nonsense on their Lifebox pages and getting offended over anything and everything.

“Brit,” Paul said as he huffed and puffed. “Where the hell are we going?”

“Beta Zeta Theta,” Britney replied.

“The sorority house?” Paul asked.

“All the other buildings are locked down for the night,” Britney said. “It’s our only shot.”

“They’ll never let him shit there,” Paul lamented.

“Why?” Britney asked.

Chad perked up and burped. “Because I totally nailed seventy-five percent of them and never called any of them back! Woot woot! Party in Chaddy’s pants, y’all!”

“Oh God,” Britney said as she caught a whiff of Chad’s silent but deadly blast. “That smells like a party no one’s going to anytime soon, trust me.”

“Don’t hate the player, babe,” Chad said. His stomach gurgled, he heaved, and the trio stopped. Chad shook his head. “False alarm.” The trio moved on.

“Only seventy-five percent?” Britney asked. “You’re showing restraint as you enter decade two of your quest for an associate’s degree.”

“Nah baby,” Chad said. “It’s cuz the other twenty-five percent were straight up uggos! Chad don’t do no dogs, baby! Woof, woof, arr arr arrrrrwoooooo!”

The trio passed all sorts of student groups. The peaceniks were strumming banjos under a tree. The cool kids were smoking joints. The nerds were playing an elaborate, card based roleplaying game involving dragons, swords, and ill-tempered elves.

“Britney!” Chad yelled.

“I’m here,” Britney said.

“Britney,” Chad said as he farted loudly. “I want you to know I have learned the error of my ways.”

“Whatever, Chad,” Britney said.

“No, really baby,” Chad said. “When I told you that I’d love you forever and then walked right on over to Jenny Sinclair’s room to get a handy that was totally uncool of me. Way, way uncool.”

“It’s all in the past,” Britney said.

“It wasn’t even a good one!” Chad said. “Her hand was all dry and calloused! And she had a bottle of lotion sitting there right there on the nightstand and I nudged my head toward it but she didn’t take the hint so the whole time I was like, ‘This must be like what it feels like to stick your junk inside a tube of sandpaper.’”

Britney sighed. “Just try not to speak.”

Chad ignored the advice. “Babe, if I live through this, I want you to take me back and I swear I’ll be a better man.”

“Not happening,” Britney said.

“Please?” Chad asked.

“Never,” Britney answered.

“Pretty please?” Chad asked.

“No,” Britney replied.

The scene became way more crowded as the trio reached the center of the campus. There, a massive rally was underway. On a prefabricated stage, a young woman wearing thick glasses, a butch haircut, combat boots and a Che Guevara t-shirt was shouting furiously to the crowd.

Britney spotted the banner hanging above the speaker’s head. It read: “The Everything is Super Offensive and Racist and Sexist So Don’t Invade My Safe Space Without a Trigger Warning or Else You Are Literally Hitler Rally.”

“Oh my God,” Britney said. “I forgot that was tonight.”

“It’s the seventh one this month,” Paul said. “After awhile, you lose track.”

“Everything is super offensive and racist and sexist!” the speaker shouted into a bullhorn.

“What about flowers?” a random member of the crowd asked.

“Sexist!” the speaker shouted. “Men try to give them to us to distract us from the fact that they are all scumbag perverts trying to rule our lives because they think their penises give them a God given right to do so!”

“Don’t say, ‘God’ please!” a second crowd member said. “As an atheist, any reference to a deity offends me.”

“I’m sorry!” the speaker shouted into her bullhorn.

“It’s cool,” the atheist said. “Just stay woke.”

“But does everyone see how we are all discriminatory piles of garbage without even realizing it?” the speaker asked. “Like I said, ‘everything is super offensive and racist and sexist!”

“What about pizza?” a third member of the crowd asked.

Without even taking a second to think about the question, the speaker launched into an angry tirade. “Pizza is one of the most ethnically discriminatory foods imaginable. Think about all the hard working Italians who came to this country and put so much hard work and labor to build our cities and infrastructure and how do we repay them? By culturally appropriating their cuisine. It should be a hate crime punished by death if you eat a piece of pizza without showing proof that you are a person of Italian ancestry. If you are not Italian and you eat pizza anyway, then you are literally worse than Hitler!”

“That’s true,” a fourth member of the crowd said. “My Dad eats burritos all the time and he isn’t even Mexican and I’ve always felt he’s literally worse than Hitler.”

Britney, Paul and Chad worked their way through the crowd, bumping into protestors left and right as they tried to pass through.

“What about staplers?” a fifth member of the crowd asked.

“What?” the speaker asked through her bullhorn.

“Staplers,” the protestor asked as she pantomimed using a stapler with her hand. “You know, the thing you keep on your desk to attach pieces of paper together.

“Oh!” the speaker said. “Staplers are by far the most offensive of all office products. I mean, why are we trying to bind pieces of paper down when pieces of paper, just like people, shouldn’t be tied down. If you use a stapler then you better start goose-stepping yourself out of here because you are literally worse than Hitler!”

The crowd cheered and clapped.

“And who decided that pieces of paper have to be white, anyway?” the speaker asked. “We’re all so used to writing on white pieces of paper with black pens, but why can’t pieces of paper be black and pens be white? Everyone in the office supply industry should drop whatever they are doing and address this injustice of epic proportions but they won’t because they’re all literally worse than Hitler!”

More applause. The trio had almost reached the edge of the crowd and were about to break free when Paul had to go and open his mouth.
“The ink,” Paul said.

The crowd gasped. The speaker looked toward Paul and raised her bullhorn to her mouth. “Excuse me?”

Paul coughed into his hand to clear his throat. “Umm…the ink?”

Britney closed her eyes and winced. “Damn it Paul, now is not the time!”

Chad burped and farted in unison.

“What about it?” the speaker asked.

“In order to make paper black, you’d have to dip it in a black dye,” Paul said. “That would not be cost effective and also a waste of precious resources. Further, white paper is one of the most easily recycled materials, but if the paper is covered with ink then that makes it more difficult to recycle, thus generating unnecessarily damage to the environment.”

A quiet hush consumed the crowd. Everyone stared at the trio.

“What have you done, Paul?” Britney asked. “What have you done?”

Paul swallowed hard. “I’m so sorry.”

The speaker’s nostrils flared. She gritted her teethed and seethed with rage. “He exercised independent thought! Get him!”

Chad hurled his guts all over the grass, but before he could wipe off his mouth, he was being dragged across campus but his friend and ex. Over a hundred irate protestors were in hot pursuit, shaking their fists and hurling expletive laden threats sprinkled with the words “tolerance” and “understanding.”

“You and your big mouth,” Britney said.

“I said I was sorry!” Paul cried.

“My feelings were hurt beyond repair!” a sixth random protester shouted. “I’ll suffer from post-traumatic stress syndrome for the rest of my life now!”

“I’m sorry!” Paul shouted back to the random protester with alleged PTSD. “Your feelings are valid and I was inconsiderate!”

“What about me?” a seventh random protester yelled. “I’ll need to pet a therapy dog and stay within the lines of my therapy coloring books for the next six months before I begin the healing process over this!”

“I’m sorry!” Paul shouted back. “I’ll buy you some crayons, I swear!”

“Come back here!” the speaker shouted into her bullhorn. “Making me run is offensive to me because I don’t identify as a runner and that makes you literally worse than Hitler!”

The trio reached the entrance to the Beta Theta Zeta sorority house. The front door was locked, but through the glass they could see a blonde sitting at the front desk, bebopping her head back and forth as she listened to music through a pair of earbuds in her ears.

“Oh thank God, it’s Lilly!” Britney said as she banged on the door. “I have English Lit with her. Lilly! Lilly, let us in!”

Lilly was too far into her jams to pay attention to the door. She mouthed the words to Stank Daddy’s latest single and swayed her head back and forth. “Stank Daddy in the house, gonna smack a bitch…”

Paul turned his head and died a little inside as the crowd of unruly protestors drew near. Somehow, they’d managed to get ahold of flaming torches and pitchforks.

“Incoming social justice warriors!” Paul shouted as he joined Britney in banging on the door. “For the love of God, Lilly, let us in!”

Chad farted, then pulled out his cellphone. “I got this.”

The drunk thumbed through his contacts, then handed the phone to Britney.

“Her too?” Britney asked as she pushed a button on the phone marked, “Hot Blonde, Decent Face, OK Ass.”

“Yup,” Chad replied.

“You’re a pig,” Britney said as she waited for Lilly’s phone to ring.

“I know,” Chad said.

Lilly’s voice came through on Chad’s phone. “Squee! O-M-G Chad, you finally called me back!”

Britney mustered up all of her lung capacity and shouted into the phone, “Let us in, bitch!”

Lilly looked at the front door. She spotted the trio and the incoming unruly mob. She hit a button under her desk.

The door buzzed open. Paul, Britney and Chad ducked into the sorority and shut the door just in time to watch one protestor after another slam themselves up against the glass.

“I am offended by this!” a seventh random protestor said.

“Glass is offensive!” an eighth random protestor said. “It allows me to see who victimized me and ruined my life with inappropriate speech but doesn’t allow me to kick their ass. Whoever invented glass is literally worse than Hitler.”

The speaker pushed her way through the crowd and tried the door handle. The door was locked once more. She lifted up her bullhorn. “Sorry everyone. It looks like we won’t be able to rip those three limb from limb and bathe in their blood tonight. Everyone go home, get some sleep, and meet back here tomorrow morning for the anti-violence rally.”

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Zom Fu – Chapter 49

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The remaining members of the Clan of the Sacred Yet Inscrutable Tiger Claw, accompanied by their new friends in the Clan of the Mediocre Yet Effective Club Bonk, approached outer wall of the forbidden city. Motionless bodies, both human and zombie, littered the ground.

“We are too late,” a dejected Junjie said.

“I just hope all the good stuff hasn’t been pinched yet,” the Whirlwind said. When Niu threw his student icy glare, the Whirlwind added, “Oh and the Emperor. I am powerfully worried about his safety and well-being, that’s for sure.”

“We should have come sooner,” Junjie said.

“Then you would have died sooner,” the Master replied.

The gate had been smashed into rubble. Niu stepped over the pieces and into the city, where he saw countless throngs of undead warriors feasting on human remains.

“Brothers,” Niu said. “It seems that fate has not spared us a fight.”

A member of the Clan of the Terrifyingly Unnatural Brain Bite looked up from a femur bone he was chewing on and snarled at Niu. “Ergh!”

The Whirlwind pulled out his club and joined Niu. “Perhaps you’ll change your mind about club fu when you see it in action.”

“That will never happen,” Niu replied. “Let it go.”

Junjie set his hands ablaze. One by one, the beasts stood up. They marched slowly towards the intruders.

“At least a hundred,” Junjie said.

“There’s more than that,” Niu said.

“No,” Junjie said with a grin. “I’m going to take out at least a hundred all by myself. How many will you get, brother?”

The master shook his head. “It is good to see your confidence is growing, my son, but don’t get cocky.”

Junjie tossed a barrage of fireballs at his incoming foes.

“Showoff,” the master said.

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Zom Fu – Chapter 48

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The gates gave way and the Tsang’s soldiers were overrun. The Forbidden City became a whirlwind of bloodlust. The Clan of the Terrifyingly Unnatural Brain Bite reveled in ripping off the soldiers’ limbs and heads and of course, they gorged themselves on brains. Nourishment coursed through their veins as knowledge entered their brains.

Dragonhand entered the city, thrilled at what he’d accomplished after decades of preparation. The kung fu clans were destroyed. Now the Imperial Army was in ruin. The Imperial Guard would soon be next.

A desperate soldier flailed at the fiend with a battle axe. Dragonhand backhanded the soldier and sent him flying. More tried to take the brain bite clan master down. Arrows pierced Dragonhand’s flesh. Knives and swords were plunged into his body. None of it mattered. Dragonhand kept marching toward the Imperial Palace with great ease. Nothing was going to get in his way now.

Lickspittle caught up with his master. “Your victory is magnificent, oh great conquering one!”

“Here, toady,” Dragonhand said as he tossed his sidekick a brain he’d ripped out of a soldier’s head. “Don’t say I never gave you anything.”

“Oh!” Lickspittle proudly declared as he munched on the brain. “Thank you, oh generous one! I shall eat this in celebration of your triumph.”

Chaos ensued as Dragonhand’s minions and the few remaining soldiers clashed. Around a hundred zombified warriors joined their master. When they reached the palace, they were met by Bingwen, second-in-command of the Imperial Guard. He raised his hand and his guards pointed their spears at the undead rabble.

“Move or be moved,” Dragonhand said. “Be useful or be eaten. Join me or feed me. Make a choice and choose wisely but most importantly, choose wisely, for I am impatient and peckish.”

“Dragonhand,” Bingwen said. “I have received word from my superior, the honorable Captain Yuen, that he will agree to meet with you and you alone to negotiate terms of surrender.”

“Bring me the Emperor so I can eat his brain and maybe I’ll think about letting all of you keep yours,” Dragonhand said.

Bingwen gulped. “I am sorry, sir, but those are the terms set out by my commanding officer.”

Dragonhand sighed. “Thoughts, Lickspittle?”

The lackey’s eyes grew wide. “You seek my counsel, oh wondrous one?”

“Don’t let it go to your head, insect,” Dragonhand said. “You’re the closest thing I have to a second. Say something intelligent and surprise me.”

Lickspittle looked the guards over. “The Captain may be a coward willing to sell out the Emperor.”

The toady studied Bingwen’s face. “Then again, this could be a ploy to get you alone and overpower you.”

Dragonhand sneered at his subordinate. Lickspittle instinctively covered his face, then upon realizing he was not about to be struck, removed his arms and added, “As if anyone could overpower you, master. These pitiful humans would be fools to try.”

Bingwen coughed into his fist, then whispered something unintelligible. “Erza fistun.”

“What?” Dragonhand asked.

“Ahem,” Bingwen said before lowering his voice to a whisper and leaning into Dragonhand’s rotten ear. “It’s the first one. The Captain is womanly in his cowardice. I just can’t say this out loud in front of the men. Please come with me.”

Dragonhand grunted in disapproval. “Ergh.”

The fiend pushed Bingwen aside, then motioned for his horde to follow.

“But sir!” Bingwen said. “The captain specifically requested to speak to you alone.”

“You are all my dogs now,” Dragonhand said as he stepped into the palace. “I give the orders. You obey and do as you are told.”

Zombies and guards marched into the throne room as though they were equals.

“This is utterly disappointing, Lickspittle,” Dragonhand said.

“Why is that, oh frowny faced one?” Lickspittle asked. “This is a victory without a fight.”

“Yes,” Dragonhand said. “But I have dreamed so long about tearing apart the palace guard on my way to clawing out the Emperor’s brain that for them to just lay down and…what is this?”

Dragonhand stared at the dead body sitting on the dragon throne.

“Captain!” Bingwen said.

“Is this a trick?” Dragonhand asked.

“No,” Bingwen said as he shook his head back and forth.

“Search the palace!” Dragonhand shouted. “Bring me the Emperor! I want him alive.”

Zombies and guards obeyed and hurried off in all different directions. Lickspittle remained.

Dragonhand grabbed Yuen’s carcass and tossed it to the floor like so much trash.

“My throne has been soiled, Lickspittle,” Dragonhand said as he took a seat.

“And yet you look so regal sitting there,” Lickspittle said.

“Don’t ruin the moment,” Dragonhand said.

“But master,” Lickspittle said. “Surely, you…”

Dragonhand raised a pointer finger. “Shh. Stifle your mouth and allow me to enjoy this moment in peace.”

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Zom Fu – Chapter 47

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Nianzu was weary. The negotiations tired him. He leaned against the door to the little boy’s room.

“Your Majesty,” Nianzu said. “Please. I beg of you. Open the door for your most humble servant.”

A few moments passed before the boy threw his ball at the door, making a tiny thud. “Ball!”

“This is of no use,” Nianzu said.

Nianzu slumped down on the floor next to Weiyuan and Tengfei.

“Do you two have any bright ideas?” Nianzu asked.

“Nope,” Weiyuan replied.

“Not a one,” Tengfei said.

Nianzu sighed. “Bested by a toddler.”

“Don’t feel bad,” Weiyuan said. “He’s not just any toddler.”

“He’s a toddler with the mandate of heaven,” Tengfei added.

“He doesn’t know the mandate of heaven from his elbow,” Nianzu said.

“Don’t be ridiculous,” Weiyuan said. “Of course he does.”

Tengfei tapped the door with his foot. “Your majesty. You know you’ve been selected by forces above to rule us all don’t you?”

A brief pause. A quick thud. “Ball! Hee hee hee.”

The trio turned their heads as they heard General Tsang’s boots scuffle down the hall.

“You three were bested by a toddler?” General Tsang asked.

“A very obstinate toddler,” Nianzu said as he and his compatriots stood up.

General Tsang knocked on the door. “Your majesty?”

“I’m afraid that won’t work,” Nianzu said. “We’ve already tried that and…”

“Your majesty,” General Tsang said. “I have candy.”

Click. The little boy unlocked the doors and General Tsang swung them open.

“Tsang!” the boy said as he smiled and clapped his hands together.

“Yes,” General Tsang said as he scooped the boy up in his arms. “My goodness, little Emperor, you’re getting so big I can hardly lift you.”

“Candy?” the boy asked.

“Oh, I’m sorry, Your Majesty,” the general said. “Tsang has gone and told a fib. I don’t have any.”

The boy frowned.

“But I know where we can find some,” General Tsang said as he tapped the boy on the nose. “We must hurry quickly though as there are some bad men who want to take it away.”

The boy shook his head. “Not my candy!”

“Fear not, Emperor,” General Tsang said as he poked his head out the door. “My men and I will never allow your candy to be stolen.”

General Tsang’s heart sank as he saw Rage Dog coming down the hall with a contingent of undead warriors behind him. The general closed the door and locked it.

Nianzu knew his cousin well. He knew what was going on by the look on the general’s face.

“That bad?” Nianzu asked as he drew his sword. Weiyuan and Tengfei followed suit.

“Indeed,” General Tsang said.

The general put the boy down and knelt down in front of him. “Let’s play a game.”

“I like games,” the boy said.

General Tsang took the Emperor by the hand and led him to the bed. “Now, Tsang wants you to hide under here and close your eyes and put your fingers in your ears.”

“Why?” the boy asked.

The general took a second to ponder the question. “Because it will be fun?”

The boy shrugged his shoulders, then crawled underneath the bed.

General Tsang leaned down to take a look at the boy. “Now whatever you do, don’t come out until Tsang tells you to, OK?”

“OK,” the boy replied.

The general returned to his men. Fists furiously pounded on the door.

“I’ve come to claim the Emperor in the name of Dragonhand!” Rage Dog shouted.

General Tsang drew his sword.

“Cousin,” Nianzu said. “If I die…”

Rage Dog interrupted with a maniacal scream. “You will obey the orders of the Master of the Clan of the Terrifyingly Unnatural Brain Bite!”

“Strike that,” Nianzu said. “When I die, do find my wife and tell her I love her, will you?”

General Tsang patted Nianzu on the shoulder. “You’ll tell her yourself.”

“Hopefully,” Nianzu said. “But unlikely. Either way, I’ll fight better knowing you’ll tell her. We had an awful fight last night.”

“Her cooking?” Weiyuan asked.

“Your slow libido?” Tengfei added.

Nianzu cleared his throat. “Both issues were involved. Shut up, nitwits, I’m trying to have a moment with my kinsman, here.”

Rage Dog’s fist punched a hole through the wooden door. “I will feast on the brain of any man who opposes me!”

The quartet took up fighting positions and pointed their swords at the door.

“It was a lovely moment, Nianzu,” General Tsang said.

“Was it?” Nianzu asked. “Maybe you’re softer than I thought.”

Another undead fist punched through the door. Then another.

“Don’t tell anyone,” General Tsang said. “I have a reputation to uphold.”

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Zom Fu – Chapter 47

tabletdemo

The gates gave way and the Tsang’s soldiers were overrun. The Forbidden City became a whirlwind of bloodlust. The Clan of the Terrifyingly Unnatural Brain Bite reveled in ripping off the soldiers’ limbs and heads and of course, they gorged themselves on brains. Nourishment coursed through their veins as knowledge entered their brains.

Dragonhand entered the city, thrilled at what he’d accomplished after decades of preparation. The kung fu clans were destroyed. Now the Imperial Army was in ruin. The Imperial Guard would soon be next.

A desperate soldier flailed at the fiend with a battle axe. Dragonhand backhanded the soldier and sent him flying. More tried to take the brain bite clan master down. Arrows pierced Dragonhand’s flesh. Knives and swords were plunged into his body. None of it mattered. Dragonhand kept marching toward the Imperial Palace with great ease. Nothing was going to get in his way now.

Lickspittle caught up with his master. “Your victory is magnificent, oh great conquering one!”

“Here, toady,” Dragonhand said as he tossed his sidekick a brain he’d ripped out of a soldier’s head. “Don’t say I never gave you anything.”

“Oh!” Lickspittle proudly declared as he munched on the brain. “Thank you, oh generous one! I shall eat this in celebration of your triumph.”

Chaos ensued as Dragonhand’s minions and the few remaining soldiers clashed. Around a hundred zombified warriors joined their master. When they reached the palace, they were met by Bingwen, second-in-command of the Imperial Guard. He raised his hand and his guards pointed their spears at the undead rabble.

“Move or be moved,” Dragonhand said. “Be useful or be eaten. Join me or feed me. Make a choice and choose wisely but most importantly, choose wisely, for I am impatient and peckish.”

“Dragonhand,” Bingwen said. “I have received word from my superior, the honorable Captain Yuen, that he will agree to meet with you and you alone to negotiate terms of surrender.”

“Bring me the Emperor so I can eat his brain and maybe I’ll think about letting all of you keep yours,” Dragonhand said.

Bingwen gulped. “I am sorry, sir, but those are the terms set out by my commanding officer.”

Dragonhand sighed. “Thoughts, Lickspittle?”

The lackey’s eyes grew wide. “You seek my counsel, oh wondrous one?”

“Don’t let it go to your head, insect,” Dragonhand said. “You’re the closest thing I have to a second. Say something intelligent and surprise me.”

Lickspittle looked the guards over. “The Captain may be a coward willing to sell out the Emperor.”

The toady studied Bingwen’s face. “Then again, this could be a ploy to get you alone and overpower you.”

Dragonhand sneered at his subordinate. Lickspittle instinctively covered his face, then upon realizing he was not about to be struck, removed his arms and added, “As if anyone could overpower you, master. These pitiful humans would be fools to try.”

Bingwen coughed into his fist, then whispered something unintelligible. “Erza fistun.”

“What?” Dragonhand asked.

“Ahem,” Bingwen said before lowering his voice to a whisper and leaning into Dragonhand’s rotten ear. “It’s the first one. The Captain is womanly in his cowardice. I just can’t say this out loud in front of the men. Please come with me.”

Dragonhand grunted in disapproval. “Ergh.”

The fiend pushed Bingwen aside, then motioned for his horde to follow.

“But sir!” Bingwen said. “The captain specifically requested to speak to you alone.”

“You are all my dogs now,” Dragonhand said as he stepped into the palace. “I give the orders. You obey and do as you are told.”

Zombies and guards marched into the throne room as though they were equals.

“This is utterly disappointing, Lickspittle,” Dragonhand said.

“Why is that, oh frowny faced one?” Lickspittle asked. “This is a victory without a fight.”

“Yes,” Dragonhand said. “But I have dreamed so long about tearing apart the palace guard on my way to clawing out the Emperor’s brain that for them to just lay down and…what is this?”

Dragonhand stared at the dead body sitting on the dragon throne.

“Captain!” Bingwen said.

“Is this a trick?” Dragonhand asked.

“No,” Bingwen said as he shook his head back and forth.

“Search the palace!” Dragonhand shouted. “Bring me the Emperor! I want him alive.”

Zombies and guards obeyed and hurried off in all different directions. Lickspittle remained.

Dragonhand grabbed Yuen’s carcass and tossed it to the floor like so much trash.

“My throne has been soiled, Lickspittle,” Dragonhand said as he took a seat.

“And yet you look so regal sitting there,” Lickspittle said.

“Don’t ruin the moment,” Dragonhand said.

“But master,” Lickspittle said. “Surely, you…”

Dragonhand raised a pointer finger. “Shh. Stifle your mouth and allow me to enjoy this moment in peace.”

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