Tag Archives: hollywood

BQB on Hollywood Perverts

Hey 3.5 readers.

As you all know, I am a movie lover.  I have no life, so I spent most of my free time watching films.  I have nothing but great appreciation for them.

Thus, it is with great sadness I have come to realize that Hollywood is full of terrible, nasty, disgusting perverts…so much so that I am no longer able to watch a film without worrying that the actor on screen might a) be a pervert or b) may have been perved on by a pervert.

Action movie?  The woman being saved was probably banged against her will by the action star.

Drama?  The dude crying probably forced himself on the other dude that’s crying.

Comedy – when the laughter stopped, the non-consensual sex began.

Movie with a dog as a lead – I’m sorry, but there’s like a 99 percent chance that someone fucked that dog.  Look at that dog’s dead eyes.  He’s been abused and he did not like it at all, the poor thing.  He’s on screen being all like “Freddy the Wonder Pooch Saves the Day!” but then at night he’s taking cold showers and drinking a fifth of vodka just to forget his woes.

So much perversion, 3.5 readers.  Every day, a new Hollywood star is alleged to have engaged in perverted activity.

I’m so sad, 3.5 readers.  Is there anyone in Hollywood who is not a pervert?

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Daily Discussion with BQB – Hollywood is Full of Perverts

Sigh.  This is getting depressing, 3.5 readers.

It’s like everyday now, I learn some celebrity whose work I enjoy is a pervert.  So then it’s like, I’ve been inadvertently supporting a pervert all these years by watching his stuff (I didn’t know!) and then I can’t watch more of his stuff because then I’d be knowingly supporting a pervert.

Bill Cosby – the funny man every kid wanted to be their father in the 1980s.  Pervert.

Louis CK – This one hit me hard because I was enjoying his stuff now.  Plus, he had this whole unique routine.  If you ever watched his show, it was about the fragile male psyche and some of the things men experience that the world may not realize – i.e. women complain of body issues but men who are bald and overweight and not handsome feel sad about how hard it is for them to find women.  Worse, women assume ugly men are perverts that can’t be trusted….so naturally after years of a show where the gist was don’t assume ugly men are bad, he had to go and turn out to be a bad ugly man.  Pervert.

Kevin Spacey – Wowed me in the Usual Suspects, I movie I watched over and over as a kid.  That whole scene at the end where he turns out to have been Kaiser Soze all along.  Oh sorry.  Spoiler alert.  I loved House of Cards.  Now I guess that’s ruined.  I’d invested a lot of time into finding out what will happen to the murderous fictional president Frank Underwood.  Apparently, Frank will be done in by Kevin’s perversions.  Pervert.

Steven Seagal – Loved his martial arts movies as a kid.  He had a move where he’d break the bad guy’s arm and I’d always watch just for that.  Pervert.

Harvey Weinstein – I mean, he’s the big pervert that unleashed the floodgates of pervert accusations.  He was the man behind the films but still, he made a lot of movies and even now I’m seeing films being released bearing the Weinstein Company logo.  His company was behind Pulp Fiction, the film that cemented my love affair with movies.  Sigh.  Pervert.

I don’t understand the pervyness.  It can be hard to be a man.  We’re vain and ego driven and we have a little buddy in our pants that craves more sex 24/7 than the world could possibly ever provide.  Still, I don’t understand this.  I mean, yeah, if you’re not that good looking and suddenly you’re thrust into a world of fame and fortune, I’m sure it can be difficult to be around all of these hot celebrity babes.

Still, come one, surely there will be women who will VOLUNTARILY want to be with a celebrity.

There had to have been a lot of women who wanted to see Louis yank his weenus.  There had to have been a lot of women who would have wanted Seagal to unzip his pants.  Surely there were grown men (repeat GROWN men) of the gay persuasion who wouldn’t have minded a night with Kevin Spacey.  Surely there were women who would have volunteered to get jiggy with Harvey.

Am I right?  Maybe I’m wrong.  Does fame not always equal free access to voluntary sex? I’ve got to believe that it does and these guys just must be pervs who get off on involuntary perversions, i.e. forcing or coercing someone who isn’t down for it.

As a movie lover, I am sad.  It’s like I can’t watch a movie now without wondering whether the star is a pervert.

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Daily Discussion with BQB – How Hard is it For a Movie Mogul to Get Chicks?

Hey 3.5 readers.

So, ever since Harvey Weinstein was exposed as a pervert, it’s got me thinking about how hard it must be to get chicks, even as a super rich and powerful movie tycoon.

Harvey’s fat.  Not good looking at all.  But he was rich and powerful and had the ability to make the dreams of aspiring actors and actresses come true.

I guess my question is this – why did he find it necessary to sexually harass women?

Call me crazy, but I feel like even if you’re fat and ugly and not good looking, if you’re a big time Hollywood honcho, aren’t there still going to be some young, hot babes who would like to be with you voluntarily?  I feel like there would be some hot chicks who would be like, “Yeah he’s fat and ugly but he’s rich and can fly me to Paris whenever I want and buy me stuff and I can live in his nice house and so on.”

I don’t know.  That was the whole point of this blog, to one day become such a rich, well-known writer that hot chicks out of my league would overlook my fatness and ugliness and voluntarily be with me.  If that’s not the case, if you can get super rich and powerful and famous and still need to harass hot chicks then screw it.

Then again, maybe it wasn’t about just harassing hot chicks.  Maybe it was about harassing famous chicks…i.e. scoring the chick the whole world wants to score with.   I have no idea.  I don’t know what was going on in Harvey’s mind.

If you’re a rich and famous person, well you probably aren’t reading this blog but on the off chance you are, tell me, do hot chicks overlook your fatness and ugliness to voluntarily be with you?

By the way before anyone gets bent out of shape, I realize it is wrong to sexually harass anyone ever for any reason.  I’m just wondering why Harvey felt he had to do so when I feel like lots of hot chicks would have liked to have been with him voluntarily just because they like rich, powerful dudes.

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Movie Review – Home Again (2017)

Ugh…why did I waste my time on this stinkburger?

Oh, I know.  Because the East Randomtown Cineplex was all sold out on “It” tickets.

BQB here with a review of the poopfest that is “Home Again.”

If I wanted to write a parody of a romantic comedy, I would start with some vapid, surface level characters – beautiful people with beautiful people problems.  They’re rich and successful but they’re still sad because, I dunno, they’re not getting rich and successful in the exact way they’d like to be.  And they’re hot and attractive and have lots of dating options but can’t quite decide, out of the large pool of people who want to bang them, who to bang.

I’d add some boring, long drawn out conversations – a lot of “tell” instead of “show” and presto – a perfect romcom parody.

“Home Again” has all that and more.  Had they added a laugh track, it would have been the comedic event of the fall, poking fun at all of the romantic comedy tropes but alas, the rub is, this was a serious attempt at a romantic comedy that just fell flat.

Other than about an hour too long, I’m not sure what this movie is about.

The set-up is that Alice Kinney is a newly separated mom who has just moved her two kids to LA to live in the sprawling LA estate left to her by her wealthy Hollywood director father after his passing.  Oh, and her mother is a retired movie star played by Candace Bergen.  But the fact that Alice is rich and the offspring of Hollywood royalty is completely glossed over.  She’s struggling really hard to start her own interior decorator business and her client, played by Lake Bell, is being mean to her, and somehow you’re supposed to feel bad for Alice even though she’s rich enough that she could tell Lake to eat a bag of dicks if she wanted to.

During a 40th birthday celebration, Alice parties and meets three dudes.  They’re aspiring filmmakers including Harry, Teddy, and George (Pico Alexander, Nat Wolf and Jon Rudnitsky.)

The dudes are on the verge of a major movie deal – and you’re supposed to feel sorry for them because Hollywood suits are totally screwing with their artistic vision, even though, you know, we normal people, if offered any kind of Hollywood deal, would gladly suck a bag of dicks for it and let the suits know they can feel free to shit on our vision as much as they want as long as they back up the money truck to our houses.

Feeling sorry for the dudes because they have no place to stay, Alice allows the boys (all twenty somethings) to crash in her guest house.  Over time, a romance blooms between Alice and Harry.

It’s complicated because Alice hasn’t quite resolved things between her ex, Michael Sheen.  And Alice’s daughters start to get attached to the dudes, seeing them as quasi-uncle type figures.

At this point, the whole thing meanders and farts around, leaving the audience unsure as to what the hell is going on, what the point is, or if there even is one.

Perhaps the point is that older women shouldn’t feel ashamed if they fall for younger men.  Younger men shouldn’t necessarily even feel ashamed if they fall for older women.  Maybe age is just a number and as long as everyone is an adult of consenting age, then who cares?

The problem is at no time is that issue ever really explored.  A friend of Alice’s points out that older men go for younger women all the time so why shouldn’t Alice do the reverse?  True, but keep in mind that men are led by their boners while women are led by a desire for security.  Thus, an older man can hook a young babe as long as he’s willing to be treated like a human cash machine.  An older woman can snag a young guy as long as she’s still hot.

Reese is still hot, so it’s not like Harry’s really putting his ass on the line.  Further, at one point in the film, Alice goes on a date with a “man her age” and the 40 year old man is presented as a bald, bearded, unemployed, bumbling oaf.  The rub seems to be that women like to complain a lot about how men see them as objects and kick them to the curb when they get older even though its not their fault that time robs them of their beauty. The date with the “man her age” is presented as though Alice is really going to be fucked if she can’t make it work with Harry, otherwise she’ll have to settle for a bald old piece of shit even though, I mean, yeah it’s not like that fucker could have a brain or a heart or a soul because fuck him hair stopped growing on his head.

Men should stop pretending like older women can just will their knockers to not be saggy anymore.  It would just be great if women could stop pretending like older men could will hair back on top of their bald heads.  Let’s just all agree that time fucks us all over real good and agree to be nice to one another in spite of it, OK?

At any rate, the whole issue of May/December love between a young man and an older woman could be explored.  It raises a lot of questions.  What if Harry wants kids?  Alice already has two and she might not have much time left to have another.  Will Alice’s health decline before Harry’s?  Will Harry spend his prime years taking care of a sick old lady?  Harry may be a pretty boy but he has some depth.  He wants to succeed on his own.  Will it be too easy for him to just let Alice take care of him?  Oh wait, she’s a struggling decorator and you’re supposed to ignore her massive house.

What about Alice?  Will Harry understand her point of view when he didn’t live during the time period she grew up in?  Will he be able to understand her in any meaningful way?  Will a woman who has been through it all ever be able to see a babe in the woods just starting out as her true equal?

Getting some answers might have made the movie great, but all of that is glossed over.  Instead, we are offered a rather lazy excuse of a breakup.  A Hollywood hotshot keeps Harry in a meeting to make his movie for a long time, causing him to miss some shindig Alice invites him too.  She’s pissed and feels unloved so she dumps the lad, even though, you know, the average guy watching the movie is like, “Um but he’s in a meeting to make a movie and that like never happens so give the guy a break.” Thus, all of the older woman, younger man issues are left on the floor, unexplored.

So then I thought the point of the movie might be that it is possible to cultivate happiness out of a non-traditional family.  SPOILER ALERT – the film ends with Alice happy to be around the three dudes who are just going to be her friends and he ex-husband who is just going to be her friend.  In true Hollywood style understanding of a relationship, Alice will just be everyone’s friend forever, content to have nothing more out of her young suitor or her ex-husband, and I dunno, I guess she’ll just spend the rest of her life looking for that special romance where the guy shoots fireworks out of his ass and everyday is Mardi Gras.

That’s always been the problem with rom coms.  They just don’t play well in Peoria.  It’s love as understood by Hollywood people who have it all and can afford to navel gaze about their love lives well into eternity.

As for the rest of us, some tired old trailer park broad isn’t going to relate to a rich bitch who dumps a guy because he came home late from his once in a lifetime movie meeting deal.  Maybe if Harry had coldcocked Alice in the face because she drank the last beer and ragged on him for being unemployed, then you know, the average trailer park movie viewer might understand.

The rest of us in the real world gave up on perfect love long ago.  Just give us someone who we’re 95% percent sure isn’t going to stab us in our sleep and they can attend as many late movie deal meetings as they please.

STATUS:  Not-shelf worthy.  I took one for the team and saw it so you don’t have to.  Seriously, don’t take your date to this.  If I were a woman and a man were to take me to this movie I would give him no pussy.

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An Open Letter to All Big Time Hollywood Directors

Dear Big Time Hollywood Directors,

I know life is hard for you, what with having a job most men dream of and banging supermodels on top of big piles of cash, all while promising them a gig in your next movie (you aren’t going to give it to them are you, you sly dog) but I’d love it if you could take a moment to consider my book, “Toilet Gator” for your next project:

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Toilet Gator.  Yes, toilet gator.

It’s got heart.  It’s got soul.  It’s got people being eaten by a giant lizard while they’re trying to take a dump.

It’s a comedic romp, a heartwarming drama, a baffling mystery, an epic horror story, a romance and a summer blockbuster action tale all wrapped up into one big scaly package.  I have no doubt that the alligator chosen to play the toilet gator will become the next big celebrity unless, of course, you choose to go the CGI route.  It’s up to you.  Who am I to stifle your creative process?

For the hero gator hunter Cole Walker, I see someone like Jon Hamm, a bit up there in years though he has still retained his handsome features.  Maybe his estranged wife Sharon Walker could be played by someone like Kim Dickens, that chick the plays the mom on “Fear the Walking Dead.”  I’m not telling you how to make your casting decisions.  I’m just saying that we need a hot babe after forty who has fought the forces of gravity to still keep it tight, someone who has withstood the ravages of time and come out the other side with the ability to still pop all the boners in her general vicinity.

Is this the best novel ever written about toilets, gators, or toilet gators?  Yes.  But don’t take my word for it.  Check out this quote:

Toilet Gator is the best novel ever written about toilets, gators, or toilet gators.”

– No One Ever

There’s no arguing with that.  Did I mention that Dame Judi Dench would be an excellent choice for elderly spitfire Maude?  As for Rusty, we just need a famous redheaded man.  What about that guy that played Brodi on “Homeland.”  He’s not doing anything important these days is he?

Look directors, I’m telling, this one is a winner.  So let’s make a deal.  Have your people call my people.  We’ll get the crooked lawyers to draw up the paperwork and I’ll tell you where to back up the Brinks truck full of my gold ingot bars as my compensation for allowing you to put the fruits of my genius mind on screen.

J.J. Abrams, you could add a sci-flare with an edge to this.

Tarantino, you could feel free to start the story with a victim getting pooped out by the gator then work your way to the beginning when the victim is eaten.

Scorcese, you could turn this into an Italian gangster flick with the toilet gator as the boss.

Ron Howard, you could hire Tom Hanks to play the toilet gator.  Just put him in some green makeup and then have him steal our hearts for the umpteenth million time.

Wes Anderson, you could turn this into an eccentric comedy, one where people who read the New Yorker and sit around their chic Manhattan apartments and sniff their own farts find it hilarious while the rest of us don’t find it funny at all but feel bad about ourselves for not laughing, like if we’d just paid a little more attention in school we’d get your jokes.

Christopher Nolan, you could make the toilet gator really dark and brooding and leave us completely unsure of what we just saw.

M. Knight Shyamalan, you could end the story with the toilet gator unzipping himself to reveal that he is actually a toilet elephant.  What a twist!

George Lucas, you could present the toilet gator with some fabulous special effects and then sell out twenty years later and add in a bunch of bullshit that no one wants just because CGI gives you the ability to do so.

Steven Spielberg…eh, I’m not messing with you, Spielberg.  You’d make a fantastic toilet gator flick.

Patiently Awaiting Your Answer,

Bookshelf Q. Battler

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BQB’s Oscar Predictions – Best Picture

Hey 3.5 readers.

OK.  The coveted best picture award.  Who will win?

Let’s talk about Hollywood’s many problems this year.

First of all, if you love Donald Trump or if you hate Donald Trump, I feel like the whole “let’s make the awards shows super political” trend has been backfiring on Hollywood.  The average person goes to movies for entertainment purposes.  The average person turns on the Oscars for entertainment purposes.  The average person will make up their mind on politics based on their own beliefs, values, research, what have you.  There really won’t be any people saying, “Huh, that celebrity thinks this so I should think this.”

It also comes off as a bit disingenuous.  I mean, these people live lives the average person can’t possibly fathom.  They wear suits and gowns to an event that cost more than the average salaries of like 50 people combined and then they probably just throw those clothes away and never wear them again.

They live in fancy mansions, can buy whatever they want and get paid piles of money to play pretend all day.  Some do a better job of reaching out to those in need than others but all in all, I just don’t see any of these celebrities opening up one of the several homes they own to shelter poor people in need.  Hell, if they took like a one percent pay cut the people who fetch their coffee on set could probably earn a living wage.

All I’m saying is that it’s better to do than to say.  Celebrities say a lot.  They don’t do a lot and it’s ironic because they’re in a better position to do than anyone.

3.5 READERS: Do you have a point, BQB?

Yes.  Thank you, 3.5.

This year, the Best Picture Nominees are:

Arrival

Fences

Hacksaw Ridge

Hell or High Water

Hidden Figures

La La Land

Lion

Manchester by the Sea

Moonlight

WHO SHOULD WIN:  Though I haven’t seen it, my gut tells me any film but La La Land.  The plight of the forgotten, struggling people who keep working but never get ahead has been forefront on the public’s mind this past year.

Reflecting that mindset, you’ve got Fences, about a father who is poor and has been knocked around and yells at his son to stop dreaming about becoming a football player and get a regular, boring job and it becomes hard to tell whether the father is trying to give the kid tough love by telling him to stop chasing pie in the sky dreams and focus on reality or if the old man is so pissed off that he never made it that he feels inner jealousy at the idea of his son doing better than him.

You’ve got Hell or High Water, about two brothers cheated out of the family farm by a corrupt bank so they go on a bank robbery spree as an act of revenge against the bank that done them wrong.  The idea that people who depended on farms, factories, and other ever dwindling blue collar jobs are being forgotten is prevalent in the film.

In Manchester by the Sea, a troubled man has to raise his nephew when his brother dies.  Stepping up to do more when a relied upon family member dies is something the average people can relate to.

Moonlight – Cuban born drug dealer tries to be a part of his bullied son’s life.  A lot of people can relate to bullying, struggles with drugs and drug related crime, trying to make it as an immigrant and so on.

Hacksaw Ridge – Son tired of seeing his father beat his mother becomes so disgusted by violence that he refuses to carry a gun when he signs up to become a World War II army medic and overcomes threats of court martial and imprisonment due to his refusal to carry a weapon.  His abhorrence of violence drives him to become the best medic ever, single handedly saving tons of wounded men by dragging them down the side of Hacksaw Ridge on a rope while Japanese forces are in hot pursuit.

Hidden Figures – In the 1960s, black women overcome stereotypical views held by society about black people and women to become mathematicians, helping America win the space race.

Lion – An Indian kid gets so hopelessly lost that he is unable to find his family again.  He is adopted by an Australian couple, then years later, uses Google to locate his original family, thus highlighting how new forms of technology have helped people who in the past were not able to be helped.

La La Land – Gosling and Stone fall and love and sing and dance and shit.

WHAT WILL WIN: La La Land.  And, OK, I haven’t seen it.  Maybe it’s good.  But this is the problem.  Hollywood already gave the Oscar to a shitty love letter film to Hollywood’s greatness called Birdman in 2014, and that movie was truly a pile of crap.  It really was.

So I just think Hollywood is going to end up with a lot of egg on its face this year.  All the stars are going to rant and rave about how the government doesn’t do enough about poverty and how no one worries about poor struggling people and then all of the films about poor struggling people are going to get screwed over in honor of the film about two pretty people who have nothing better to do than fall in love and sing and dance and shit.

 

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RIP Florence Henderson

Oh my God, 3.5 readers.

It is a very sad day here for the pop culture fest that is Bookshelf Battle due to the news that Florence Henderson has passed away at the age of 82.

I mean, she lived a full life and got to do great things and lived to an old age but still, she was truly America’s mom.

She played Carol Brady, the mom on the Brady Bunch, then in her post-Brady years, made a career off of cameos where she’d either do something hilariously un-Mrs. Brady-like or would appear as a funny motherly figure or something.

I never heard of some of her other pre-Brady gigs before but the news outlets are reporting she did have a pretty noteworthy Broadway career and spent some time on The Today Show before becoming Alice’s boss.

Oh God, I’m so shaken by this tragic news that I’m going to refrain from asking why did Mrs. Brady need a house keeper if she didn’t have a job.  We all know why. Six kids are a handful and the woman needed assistance. Stop judging, haters.

2016, you dick! How dare you take America’s mom?

Anyway, I’m sure you’ve seen plenty of Brady Bunch clips on the news today, so I’m going to share the Weird Al Yankovic clip where she starred opposite Weird Al in his Amish Paradise video.

What are your favorite Florence Henderson memories, 3.5 readers?

PS thank you the Yeti for letting me out of the cage to write this Florence Henderson report.  It is nice to know that we can put our rivalry aside in dark times like these.

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Madame Tussaud’s New York City Part Two

So many celebrities so little time.


Johnny Depp – usually needs to be Jack Sparrow, Willy Wonka, or the Mad Hatter to be recognizable.


I’ll be there for you…


Anne Hathaway – hot and smart, a double threat I could never please.

Morgan Freeman narrated as Anne rejected me.

“I don’t believe in all my years I had ever seen such an epic rejection.”


Mummy.


Hitler…oh no, wait, Charlie Chaplin.


John Wayne, pilgrims.


Yippy ki yay.


No Lucy you can’t-a play at the club.


Sit in Don Draper’s chair.


They had a virtual reality Ghostbusters game. VR is here, 3.5.


He slimed me.


Hee hee!


Don’t make me close one more door, I don’t want to hurt anymore.

RIP Whitney.


Crap I forgot to find out if this was Venus or Serena. I will guess Serena.


Float like a butterfly…


Jeter.


She needs a wax meat dress.


Puffy taught me everything I know about being a media mogul.


I wanted there to be a wax Toto.


Madame Tussaud herself.

You know, 3.5 readers, it’s never too late. Madame Tussaud lived in obscurity until age 41, when she started going on tour with her wax creations in 1802. She even survived a shipwreck while sailing with her figures to Ireland.

Chase that dream, 3.5.

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BQB Does Madame Tussaud’s New York City

Celebrities.

We love them. We worship them.

Alas, though we rarely, if ever, get to meet them, Madame Tussaud’s legendary wax figures give us the next best thing.

To my surprise, visitors are encouraged to to touch (I refrained from honking wax celebrity boobs) and to take pictures.

Madame Tussaud’s has definitely embraced the selfie generation as the masses love taking pics with their favorite wax celebs and posting them on social media.

Here are some of BQB’s faves:


“I’m wax Regis and I’m out of control!”


Kim Kardashian – the madam had to use a whole helluvalot of wax to craft that baronka donk.


Scarlett Johansson – I offered to buy this figure, not for perverted reasons, but because sometimes Video Game Rack Fighter goes away on business and I get ever so lonely.

OK so for perverted reasons.


Bleh!


I’m not sure who this man is but he was WAY more into the Scarlett Johansson figure than I was. 


Not gonna lie. Teenage me would have sprayed his shorts. Come to think of it, thirties me needs to change his undies.

Moving on…


Work, work, work, work, work. Sigh, Madam T wouldn’t sell me RiRi either.


 This is how we do dee doo.

I didn’t offer to buy her. I didn’t think I could handle it.


Jenna Marbles – this one warmed my usually otherwise cold heart, 3.5 readers.

No agents, auditions, or lucky breaks. Jenna hit it big with her YouTube videos.

To the best of my knowledge she’s the first Internet celebrity to be so honored.

Maybe Madam T will put a wax self-publisher on display one day?

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#31ZombieAuthors Rewind – Day 9 – Devan Sagliani – Bringing Zombies to the Big Screen

With Your Host: Schecky Blargfeld, Zombie Comedian

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I was in a movie once.

Wait.  Come to think of it, it was more like a news report of a zombie outbreak.

Mmm was that cameraman delicious.

So scratch that. I have no info about the movie industry knowledge to share with you.

You should check out the interview BQB conducted with Devan Sagliani last year instead.

Devan talked about the screenplay he wrote for Humans vs. Zombies as well as his prolific career as a novelist.

Don’t forget to check out Devan’s latest works, including Zombie Attack, on Amazon.

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