Tag Archives: writing

BQB’s Twisted Shorts

Hey, 3.5 readers.

Long time, no see. Are there still 3.5 of you?

So, I’m getting into the short story game.

Why, you didn’t ask?

I’m working on an anthology series. Short stories with twisted endings, like an homage to the Twilight Zone, but with BQB’s sense of humor.

In the first one, a superhero quits. That’s right. One day, he just decides he doesn’t want to save the city anymore. It’s a thankless job and there are more productive things he can be doing, so he decides to move to California to work on becoming a pop star.

Here is the Righteous Champion, singing on his Karaoke Machine in the living room of his condo instead of saving Horrendous City from the Precursor, a vile, alien altered being who has constructed a ray gun that can erase anything.

COVER 3

Once they learn that the city’s savior is flying to greener pastures, Mayor Lazarus Latherton and Police Chief Isaac Hammer are faced with a terrible fate.  They will have to do…their jobs!

Dun dun dun…

Ultimately, I’ve been trying to make a go of self-publishing for awhile now and time, money, etc. are all tough factors.  My thought here is this:

Say you want to get into the lemonade business.

Would you a) make one pitcher of lemonade and start a stand in your yard and if that becomes profitable, you might, say, start a couple more stands, eventually working your way up to starting a lemonade store, followed by a lemonade chain or…

b) Start a lemonade chain first?

I was trying to do b all along and now I’m realizing a will, I think be better.

Honestly, it could be better to just say screw it all and eat cookies and watch TV.

But alas, that old writing bug is still biting me, so let’s see how this goes.

Any thoughts on the cover? Let me know.

 

 

 

 

 

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First Draft of Toilet Shocker Complete

I finished my first draft of Toilet Shocker, the sequel to Toilet Gator.

I began writing Toilet Gator in early 2017 and it is currently with my editor, keeping my fingers crossed that it will be out this year.

I began writing Toilet Shocker last July, and just finished the Epilogue today. It comes in at over a whopping 200,000 words, which I understand is a ridiculous length, and perhaps I do need to think in the future about scaling back my plots, the multitude of characters and all the moving pieces.

Anyway, it was nice to get the first draft done. Even so, there’s still a lot of work to do in polishing it up, but you can’t build a house without the foundation.

How to describe the plot?  In Toilet Gator, there were two supporting characters, Moses and Felix, ex-Marines who opened a gun shop in South Florida. The hero, Police Chief Cole Walker, enlists them and their arsenal of weaponry in defeating the toilet gator.

After toilet gator was complete, my mind started to wander to the multitude of other aquatic creatures that could attack people on the toilet, and electric eels seemed pretty funny. Better yet, what if a mad man somehow figured out a way to get his eels to hold its targets hostage, biting their butts and promising to deliver a deadly electric shock if the eels’ operator does not get his way?

I know. I probably could have put this time and effort into writing a serious work. Actually, I couldn’t. Give me the most serious World War II story to work on and I swear, it will be full of fart jokes by page 10.

Anyway, Moses and Felix become the heroes of this story, for, as it turns out, someone in their old special ops unit wants revenge, and has unleashed his eels on the butts of his former marines, now private citizens, threatening to shock them unless he gets want he wants.

I smell Oscar.

toilet shocker demo

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Get My Free Book!

My big book of badass writing prompts is free for the next few days.  Pick up a free copy or better yet, leave a review.  Any help is appreciated.

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Resurrection Inc.

BQB NOTE: Hey 3.5 readers.  I’m thinking about getting into the short story market.  My thought is I could occasionally self-publish a short story, around 10-20,000 words and when I have enough of them, package them as a book.  I’m not sold on the idea because I have found that whether short or long, it takes me at least a year to self publish anything.

But anyway, I rattled this first part out yesterday and I was quite pleased with it so far.  Let me know what you think.  It takes place in a world where a comedy has perfected the art of bringing people back to life so much that they have franchises on every corner like they are fast food joints, teenagers being paid minimum wage to bring back the dead….and of course, all the ethical dilemmas that ensue.

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In the span of a mere five years, the process of resurrecting a deceased human being went from a very complicated procedure that could only be performed by the renowned Nobel prize winning physicist, Dr. Elijah Benjamin to a rather simple set of tasks that could be performed during an after school shift by a high school senior earning minimum wage.  Resurrection Inc. franchises had popped up on virtually every street corner in America and while Benjamin enjoyed the fruits of his labor on a beach in Malibu, the Wall Street jackals he appointed to control his life’s work were aggressively pushing into Europe and Asia, yearning to dominate the global back from the dead market before the numerous upstart rivals seeking to patent their own life restoration techniques could get off the ground.

At one such franchise location, seventeen-year-old Liam Tate gnawed on the end of a lengthy licorice rope, playing a game on his cell phone as the office television blared in the background.  In truth, the lad had the attention span of a fruit fly, and as such, he had been fired from part-time gigs as a fast food joint cook, big box store stock boy and movie theater usher.  Ironically, the position of junior resurrection associate was a lot easier.  Just listen to the AI voice emanating from the B.A.D.S. or “Benjamin Automatic Death Stopper,” the large, boxy machine in the center of the lab and do as it said.

Ding! “Insert DNA sample now.”

Liam ignored the request, too engrossed in beating his high score to earn his meager paycheck.  No worries.  The B.A.D.S provided a prompt reminder.

Ding! “Insert DNA sample now.”

Liam unleashed an uproarious sigh, as though taking a moment to do his job was going to literally kill him, not that such an event even mattered anymore.  In fact, homicides had reached an all time high in the free world, largely due to murder parties in which unruly young folk would schedule their resurrections in advance, and then have a wild, carefree time chasing each other around their dormitories with knives, hatchets, military grade weaponry and the occasional chainsaw.

Ding! “Insert DNA sample now.”

              “Alright, alright,” Liam mumbled.  The kid stepped over to a filing cabinet and pawed through a series of manilla envelopes.  “Who’s up next?”

Ding! “Harper, Mary Ann.  Age 18.  Passed March, 10, 2085.  Cause of death – collision caused by distracted driving.”

Liam located an envelope with Harper’s details scrawled across the front.  He reached in, fished out a pink toothbrush, then pushed a green button on the side of the B.A.D.S.  A metal tray popped out of the contraption.  The toothbrush was inserted, the tray was retracted, and various lights flashed as the machine made a humming sound.

Ding! “Printing body now.”

Liam looked at an invoice, then gazed at one of many screens attached to the B.A.D.S. This one displayed the schematics for a young human female.

“B.A.D.S.?”  Liam said.

“Yes?”

“Looks like the family paid for the upgraded package.”

Ding!  “All upgraded packages are to be entered prior to…”

The kid flipped one page of the invoice, then another, studying it intently.  “Another botch job at the call routing center.  Mr. Harper’s credit card didn’t go through but he called back and put it on his debit and…yeah, right here.  Those dummies forgot to log the upgrade.”

Ding! “Implementing upgrade package now.”

Liam tried not to stare as the female form on screen grew in breast size and declined in waist size, but stare he did.  Various blemishes and flaws were erased as Mary Ann’s new body went from ho hum to hot-cha-cha.

Ding! “Isolating consciousness from the beyond realm now.”

“Soul” was a word that Dr. Benjamin never liked using.  How he cracked the code that allowed B.A.D.S. to extract the set of beliefs, memories, attitudes and quirks that comprised one’s state of being from a metaphysical dimension that could not be seen or touched was proprietary information that he heavily guarded, refusing to share it with religious leaders despite their numerous pleas and lawsuits.

Liam sat down and grabbed a remote control.  He flipped through the channels on the office television.  First up was a news channel where a debate between two pundits was underway.

“Look, I’m not knocking the guy, but the Constitution is very clear on this.  Two terms and that’s it.”

“But the Twenty Second Amendment wasn’t in effect while…”

              “That doesn’t matter.  It’s in effect now.”

              “He never finished his second term.”

              “But he was elected twice and that’s all you get.”

              “Are we sure about that?  I don’t think the Supreme Court has definitively weighed in on…”

              “Sarah, don’t you think we’re putting the cart before the horse?  I love Abe as much as the next guy but he hasn’t even expressed in running againDid you read his new book?”

              I Preserved the Union for This?  Yes, it’s topping the bestseller lists and making the third coming of Jeff Bezos a ton of scratch.  I, for one, was fascinated to learn that Abe and Mary Todd have decided to see other people, but even so, you can’t discount the possibility that…”

Flip! Liam was now watching a game show.  The host held a blue card in hand as he addressed the camera from behind a podium.

“Welcome back to Canoodling for Cash, the only game show where celebrities are subjected to all sorts of madcap, wacky shenanigans, all in the name of raising money for charity.  Boy, oh boy, if you’re just tuning in, you missed a heck of a spectacle as Marilyn Monroe dominated all challengers in the raspberry gelatin wrestling competition.  Norman Mailer, Sir Winston Churchill and Shaka Zulu are backstage, picking little bits of that super slippery low-calorie desert treat out of their nether regions as we speak.  Coming up in the next hour, Biggie and Tupac are going to settle their differences in a best two out of three rock, paper scissors competition but first, who is the best piano player to ever tickle the ivories?  Liberace and Beethoven are about to square off, so don’t touch that…”

Flip! Liam watched an infomercial featuring a man with a stern face and slicked back hair.

“Hello.  I’m Jimmy Hoffa and it turns out I was in the last place everyone thought to look.  You might know me from days as an infamous labor leader or my alleged and totally unproven ties to organized crime, but today I’m here to promote a new venture.  Operators are standing by to help you order your very own Jimmy Hoffa Brand Convection Oven, the last kitchen appliance you’ll ever need to cook a plump, juicy, moist…”

Flip!  Another news channel.  Two more pundits.

“I’m sorry, but there are certain people who should just never be allowed to come back.”

              “That’s not your decision to make.  Two years ago, the Constitution was amended to declare resurrection an inalienable human right.”

              “Monica, you insufferable cow, are you really going to sit there and tell me that Hitler’s existence is a benefit to society?”

              “Of course not, Steve, but he’s not hurting anyone, is he?”

Liam watched as footage rolled of Adolf Hitler in an orange vest, holding up a stop sign in front of busy intersection as he blew a whistle and waved a gaggle of schoolchildren through a crosswalk.  An irate mother sipping from a coffee cup blared on her horn.

“Come on, Hitler!  You’re slower than molasses!”

Hitler’s face went red and spittle sprayed from his lips as he wagged his finger through the air.  His hair flopped about as he screamed at the driver.  “Nein, Fraulein Hotchkiss!  You vill vait patiently in your Subaru Outback for as long as it takes for das kinder to crosszen zie streetzen!  You vill shutzen your mouthzen and drinken zie delicious frappucino beverage while I do mein job for the glory of the father land and forge a new reich of crosswalk safety that vill last a thousand years!”

The pundits returned to the screen.

“It looks like he’s learned the error of his ways and is trying to become a productive member of society.”

“Monica, I’ll never be able to get used to…”

              “Well, get used to it, Steve, because once Congress passes the Affordable Resurrection Act…”

              “You mean my tax dollars will go to bringing history’s greatest assholes back to life?”

              “Everyone has a right to live again, Steve, even those whose descendants have either forgotten or don’t care about them, or who can’t foot the bill for…”

Flip!  Another news channel.

“The last funeral home went out of business today.  I took a moment to speak to ex-Funeral Director Martin Sinclair of this now defunct Sheboygan, Wisconsin establishment, and he informed me that people just aren’t willing to splurge for send-offs for their loved ones anymore, not when those loved ones are expected to return within seven to ten business days.  Like many of his colleagues, Sinclair intends to roll with the punches and convert his building into a Resurrection, Inc. franchise.  Yes, the days when you’d call the undertaker to cart off your dearly departed are long gone, folks.  All you need do now when your loved one kicks the bucket is collect a few hair snips, fingernail clippings, and any used toiletries left behind, pack them up in a handy DNA collection kit and mail it to your nearest Resurrection Inc. facility.  Police departments across the country are reminding older generations that it is perfectly legal to leave dead bodies at the end of their driveways for curbside pickup.  Meanwhile, 50 state legislatures have passed a controversial law that absolves alleged murderers of any and all homicide charges provided that they pay for their victim’s resurrection procedure within 48 hours.  Coming up next, I’ll be talking to Ray Goodman, Chairman of the Grave to Save project, a new non-profit initiative that seeks to dig up and bring back the long buried, so that cemeteries can be turned into affordable housing projects.”

Flip!  Liam switched off the television and dumped the contents of a brown paper bag on his desk.  He decided to save the cheesy chips for later, opting to nosh on his baloney on rye first as he scrolled through the latest headlines on his phone.  One caught his eye: “Skydiving Excursions Become the New National Past Time; Smoking, Substance Abuse, Overeating and Reckless, Indiscriminate, Unprotected Sex with Multiple Partners on the Rise.”

Ding! “Consciousness extracted.  Melding body and consciousness now.”

              Liam sipped from a juice box as he perused another headline. “Stalin Projected to Win 2086 Democratic Primary.  Rival Trotsky Disappears Under Suspicious Circumstances.”

              The lad checked his social media profile, laughed at a joke posted by a friend, then clicked on a video that had been shared by several of his contacts.  A group of unshaven, unkempt doctors in stained lab coats warmed themselves by a dumpster fire on Skid Row.  One doctor blew into a harmonica as he song a sad little ditty:

“I used to fix your headaches,

              Your heart and your liver too.

              I wrote indecipherable prescriptions,

              And hit the golf course before 2.

              Oh, I got the out of work doctor!

              Out of work doctor blues!

              Lord have mercy!

              Yes, I got the out of work doctor,

              The out of work doctor blues!

              Hey, I went to Harvard, people!  Yeah!

              Oh, from my head down to my shoes,

              I got the out of work doctor blues!”

Liam looked up from his phone and took a bite out of his sandwich.

Ding! “Resurrection complete.”

Liam set his lunch and phone down, stood up, and approached the machine.  He turned a crank and steam poured out of a nearby valve.  Once it dissipated, Liam grabbed two handles, one and in each hand and pulled out an elongated slab about which laid the newly returned customer…naked as the day God, or well, in this case, as an eighteen year old who was getting a C- in Civics had made her.

The boy tried not to stare, but stare he did.

The resurrected’s eyes popped open.  She took a deep breath, then exhaled.  She then sat up and screamed wildly.  “Arrrrrrrggggghhhhh!”

Liam held his hand out in front of Mary Ann’s eyes and snapped his fingers.  He then moved his fingers to the right.  Mary Ann’s eyes followed.  He snapped and moved his fingers back to the left.  Her eyes followed.

The boy scribbled some notes on a clipboard as he mumbled to himself.  “Motor skills test passed.”

Liam recited a tongue twister.  “Rubby baby buggy bumpers.”

Mary Ann remained silent and confused.

“Repeat after me,” Liam said.

“Pootie tay,” Mary Ann replied.  “Pootie tay tay regaldo malan fraz, mimbo bibby?”

“Rubber baby buggy bumpers.”

“Pootie tay tay tay zeebo zeebo zeebo glarf.”

“Rubber baby buggy bumpers.”

“Rubber pootie tay tay…”

Liam shook his head.  “No pootie tay.  Rubber baby…”

“Rubber baby…”

“Yes, that’s it.  Rubber baby buggy…”

“Rubber baby buggy…”

“Rubber baby buggy bumpers.”

“Rubber baby buggy pootie tay tay tay…”

Liam slapped his forehead.  Mary Ann followed suit and slapped her forehead.

“Rubber baby buggy bumpers.”

Mary Ann nodded.  “Rubber baby buggy bumpers.”

“Good,” Liam said as he jotted more notes.  “Subject was slow to pass speech test but eventually got there.”

“I got there pootie tay blimmel rabba mmmmmm’wippo!”

Liam read from a prepared statement.  “Your name is Mary Ann Harper.  You were born in the year 2067.  Your parents are Dave and Karen Harper.  Your father is a prominent tax attorney and your mother recently quit her position as a public relationship specialist to start her own online designer soap business, which your father griped about at first but is now onboard ever since it started making money.  You have a younger sister, Molly, and a dog, Mr. Scruffles.  Your favorite color is purple and you enjoy the musical stylings of the Melancholy Trio.  Your best friend is Susan Kinitsky.  Last year, you and Susan were suspended from school for three days when you were caught buttering up a ham with…”

Mary Ann shook her head to the left, then the right.  Left, then right.  She sat up.  “Liam?”

“Mary Ann?”

“Uh…yeah.  Who else would it be?”

“No more pootie tays?”

“No.  What’s a pootie tay?”

***

Mary Ann was dressed in a surgical gown and standing upright now, looking at her gorgeous new body in a full-length mirror.

“Damn,” the girl said as she made a pouty fish face and threw up a peace sign.  “If Tommy Miller doesn’t full on jump my bones now then it’s never going to happen.”

Liam hung back.  He cleared his throat with a cough in his hand.  “So, you’re uh…satisfied with the work?”

“Yes,” Mary Ann said.  “It’s amazing…it’s…it’s…like you kept the best parts of me and replaced the worst parts with better parts.”

Mary Ann looked down at her newly ample bosom.  “Way better parts.”

Liam jotted more notes down.

“I didn’t know you worked here, Lee-Dubs.”

“Yeah,” Liam said.  “About a month now.  You know, Mary, you really shouldn’t…”

“What?”

“Text while you’re driving.”

Mary Ann turned around and faced her classmate.  She broke out into laughter.  “What?  Is that what the cops said?”

“Distracted driving.”

“As if,” Mary Ann said as she turned her gaze back to the mirror, running her hands through her long, full blonde hair.  Previously, her locks had been a drab shade of brown and quite stringy.  “You know how many times I asked my dad if he’d hook me up with the upgrade package if I killed myself?  You know how many times he said no, that there was too much risk involved?”

“So, it wasn’t an accident?”

“Duh.  I straight up rammed that wall.”

“Morbid,” Liam said.  “But I’ve seen too much here to judge.  Can you answer some feedback questions for me?”

“Sure.”

“On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being least happy and 10 being most happy, what number would you assign to your new vessel?”

“My vessel?”

“Your body.”

“Ah,” Mary Ann said.  She pulled her upper lip out and checked her teeth.  Perfectly straight for the first time in her life.  “Nine…maybe nine and a…well…hmm…”

Liam looked up from his notes.  “Hmm?”

“The nose.”

Liam stepped closer and stood over the subject’s shoulder.  “What about it?”

“It’s a little big, isn’t it?”

“Is it?”

“I don’t know.”

“I’m not saying it looks terrible.  I just…aw, crap.  I shouldn’t have said anything.”

“It’s fine,” Liam said.  “Resurrection Inc. encourages feedback.  That’s what the survey questions are for.”

“Yeah,” Mary Ann said as she tapped the tip of her pointer finger against her nose.  “All I’m saying is that if it were, say, the teeniest, tiniest millimeter smaller, I’d give this thing a 10.”

“OK.”

“But…ugh.”

“What?”

“It would be gross to go again, wouldn’t it?”

“It’s up to you.”

Mary Ann clicked her tongue.  “I mean, nothing’s perfect.”

“Perfect is in the eye of the beholder.”

“This is great as it is now,” Mary Ann says.  “I go again and it could get worse.”

“You have unlimited do-overs,” Liam said.

“I do?”

“All part of the upgraded package.”

Mary Ann flashed a wicked grin.  “That dad of mine.  What a guy.”

“You called his bluff.”

The subject shrugged her shoulders.  “What the hell?  In for a penny and so on.  How do we do it?”

Liam cleared his throat.  His cheeks flushed.  “I…you know, this is the first time I’ve resurrected someone I know.”

“Really?”

“Yeah,” Liam said.  “There’s a company policy against employees resurrecting their own family members but it doesn’t say anything about friends.  I’m wondering if maybe I should have assigned your case to another…”

“You did fine, Lee-Dubs.”

“Anyway,” Liam said.  “There’s a problem with the sleep cocktail.”

“The what?”

“The mixture of drugs we usually use to inject the resurrected with when they aren’t happy with their vessels and want to start the process over again.”

Mary Ann raised a quizzical eyebrow.  “Sleep’s a euphemism, isn’t it?”

“Yes,” Liam said.  “The board of directors of the company that makes it believes it is immoral for Resurrection Inc. to use it over slight defects in a new body.  They won’t sell it to us anymore.  There’s a big lawsuit going on.  No one tells me anything though because I’m just an underling.  All I know is what I heard on the news.”

“So, without the drugs, how do we…”

Liam opened a nearby desk drawer and pulled out a lock box.  He punched in a code and pulled out a large, shiny .45 Magnum revolver.

Mary Ann’s newly blue, formerly hazel eyes widened.  “Holy shit.”

“Yeah,” Liam said.  “Listen, I hate to ask this…”

“What?”

“I mean, I’m supposed to…be professional but…”

A single tear rolled down Liam’s cheek as he sniffed snots of sadness up his nose.  “Don’t make me do it, Mary Ann.  We had play dates and made pillow forts while our moms baked cookies and…”

Mary Ann looked at the weapon.  “You want me to…”

“If you wouldn’t mind.”

The classmates were quiet for a moment.

“I mean, your dad paid for the upgrade package,” Liam said.  “So, if you want me to do it, I’ll do it.  I do this like a dozen times a week, no problem.  It’s just a lot easier when it’s people I don’t know.”

Mary Ann winced, then smiled.  “I’ll be right back?”

“Yes.”

“Like nothing ever happened, right?”

“Exactly.”

The young woman took a deep breath, then exhaled.  “Fine.  Hand it over.”

 

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Happy Halloween, 3.5 Readers

Treat yourself to one of my FREE books.  Yes, they will be free now throughout the weekend:

 

 

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Get My Book for FREE!

Hey 3.5 readers.

BQB here.

All this weekend, my book, The Last Driver – Episode 1 is free, totally free!

It’s set in a dystopian future where the government controls all, and in a world where all cars are self-driving, the last man who remembers what to do behind a wheel will be called on to save the day…or will he destroy it all?

Get it today, 3.5 readers.  Did I mention it is free?  I would appreciate it if you’d get a free copy and if it isn’t too much trouble, leave a review.

Thank you.

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Get My Big Book of Badass Writing Prompts FREE Through Sunday

It’s free, 3.5 readers.

That means all you have to do is go and get it…FOR FREE!

Click.  Download.  Get a free book.  Leave a review if you like though I know that’s asking a lot.  But anyway, it’s free, 3.5 readers.  You can’t go wrong.

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A Rap About the $1.42 I Made Selling My Books on Amazon

rappa

BQB:

Aw yeah.  What you gonna do?

Aw yeah.  What you gonna do?

What you gonna do with your dolla forty-two?

Woke up in the morning, pulled my laptop out da sleeve.

Logged on to my bank account. Whoa! Do my eyes deceive?

Out of my throat, my heart did try to leave,

At the sight of some figures, so shiny and new

And wouldn’t you know it?  They added up to a dolla forty two.

CHORUS:

A dolla forty two.  A dolla forty two.

A man has got to hustle to grip that dollar forty-two.

BQB:

If you got a dollar and a half, some buster’s gonna want it.

So keep it in your pocket and you’d better well not flaunt it.

And sure you could feed the homeless and bring some happiness to the poor.

But I think I’d rather drive a new Bugatti through my garage door.

Cuz we all know some bitches love a man with a buck and some change.

So I’m gonna cruise the strip, on the hunt for some strange.

Ladies get excited, don’t know what they gonna do.

When they see a man got a wallet and inside there’s a dolla forty two.

CHORUS:

Dolla forty-two y’all.  Dolla forty-two.

BQB:

2019.  The year I clocked some green.  Peace.  I’m out.

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Writing Regrets

I’m old.

This will probably be hard to explain due to a lack of exact dates and keeping things anonymous but I’ll try.

When I was young I really wanted to be a writer.  I got internships in that both summers and then in my last semester I had a really big internship where I spent a semester in a big city working as an intern for a big organization.  Honestly, I was basically a coffee fetcher, but it was fun and I fetched coffee for some big names.

After college, I returend to Podunk and got a small writing job locally.  There was a part of me that wanted to go back to the back city and pursue a life there as a writer.  It didn’t seem far fetched.  As a young person in my early 20s, I’d already gotten a lot of experience.  The rents wanted me to pursue something more practical and while I don’t want to throw them under the bus for doing what parents do and I realize it was up to me follow through with what I wanted, I ultimately chose the practical.

Do I blame them?  A bit.  Do I blame myself the most?  Of course.  There comes a time in adult life where you have to realize your parents don’t know everything and you will have to defy and disappoint them.  Don’t worry though because either way it will work out great for them.  If you defy them and do what you want and it fails, they can say I told you so forever.  If you defy them and do what you want and it succeeds, they’ll say they were behind you all along and it was their idea.  Also, fun fact, if you obey them and do what they want and it fails, they’ll say well you should have been your own man and what do they know.

Anyway, I blame myself entirely.  It is a week man who blames others for their failings.

I told myself I’d do the practical for a while and then after I’ve made some money I’ll do what I actually want.  (Kids, FYI this doesn’t happen.  Don’t buy that shit if someone tells you it does.)

Long story short, the practical thing didn’t work out.  At that point I thought maybe I should go back to my true love of writing.

But I was a wuss.  So I did another practical thing.  This practical thing actually worked out.

I do feel like I cheated myself though.  The writing world had accepted me early and I ended up worrying that I’d end up 30 and failed because I wasn’t being paid much at 20.  Now I realize that yeah, that just happens.  You have to pay your dues but good for you, your foot is in the door.  Your feet are on the first rung of the ladder, so keep climbing.

At this point now, I’m 40.  I’m self sufficient.  I suffered a lot though and to be honest, a lack of stability made relationships difficult.  I had to come to grips this year with the fact that it’s too late to have children.  Technically, I can have them forever but all the women in my age bracket are closed down for baby business.

Could I adopt a little Chinese kid?  Sure.  Do I fear they’ll send me a faulty one on purpose and refuse to take it back?  All the big ticket purchases I’ve made in recent years where I open the box only to find that the item is missing a part such that someone at the factory was asleep at the switch tells me yes.  (Was this meant as a joke?  Partially.)

There’s nothing I can do about it now, but the regret is palpable.  I had my foot in the door in what I wanted at an early age.  Then I talked myself out of it.  Then when that failed I was free to go back to what I wanted but I chickened out again.  Ergo, had I just stuck like ten straight years in what I wanted, I probably would have gotten to be where I wanted.

Although sometimes now I think maybe it worked out because I guess I’ll never know for sure writing would have worked out.

I guess we never know how things work until we do them.  When they don’t work, we are certain the opposite course would have been a success.

Question – How do I cope with this regret?

My answer – Keep writing self published books and hope  one of them hits.

Feel free to offer your answers in the comments.

 

 

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