Tag Archives: writing

I’m the Funniest (Free) Writer on Amazon!

Greetings, 3.5 readers.

Yup. Yup. Yup. It’s official. I have achieved my dream of becoming a great humor writer. With the assistance of a Freebooksy promotion, I gave away 2500 free copies of my new novel, Shop Buddy, and the results are as follows:

Hmm. Alas, someone needed to poop on it with a one-star rating, but that’s ok. You can’t please everyone.

The point is, look at those rankings!

#1 in General Humor (FREE) – I have been a humor blogger since 2014 and finally, I have some recognition for my humor chops.

#2 in Teen/Young Adult e-books (FREE) – I didn’t really set out to write a young adult book. The protagonists are 23, a year out of college, unable to find work in their chosen majors so they sling grocery bags for a shopping app. Meh, I guess it counts. It was up to #1 in this category yesterday.

#10 in Mysteries (FREE) – Agatha Christie, eat your heart out!

And #38 out of all the FREE books offered at the moment on Amazon. I made the top 100 here.

Growing up, I was one of those kids who snuck downstairs to watch Saturday Night Live. I quoted lines from In Living Color, The Simpsons and Married with Children on the playground every Monday. And my Mad Magazine collection? Forget about it.

I have had other books get some decent rankings during free book promos, but humor will always hold a special place near and dear to my heart, so this is great.

BTW, it’s not too late to get your FREE copy.

Now I just need to put more work into becoming one of those writers who make it high onto the PAID charts because if I’m being honest, I like money.

SIDENOTE: What’s it about, you ask? Picture it. You work for an online shopping service. One of your customers orders all kinds of weird, dangerous stuff. Rope. Axes. Knives. Chainsaws. Power tools. Do you assume he’s just remodeling his house or do you fear something more sinister is afoot? Grab your free copy today, then use the money you saved to get some extra cheese on your taco.

Oh, and whatever you do, please don’t buy any of the other books I have on Amazon. Writers should never make money at any time. It dilutes the artistic chemistry.

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FREE BOOK!

Hey 3.5 readers.

BQB here.

You know what’s expensive? Gas.

You know what’s free? My book.

Buy my book. Entertain yourself. Use that money you saved to buy 2.99 worth of gas and take a nice drive to, I don’t know, the end of the street?

Anyway, here it is, my first novel, totally FREE:

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Shop Buddy is Live!

Hey 3.5 readers.

Your old pal, BQB, here.

Well, I finally did it. I finally self-published a full-length novel. Previously, I have put up short stories and a book of writing prompts, but now I can officially call myself a novelist.

What is it about?

During the height of the pandemic, like many of you, I survived on food deliveries. You download the app. You put down what you want but um…well let’s just say pre-pandemic, it worked out better. The shopper would actually bring the bags into the house, lug them into the kitchen, go over with you any errors and settle up.

Post pandemic? They just whip at your door going 90 mph down the road and if you got 10 percent of anything right, you’re lucky.

I was amazed at how orders that seemed very clear turned out so wrong. Order an apple? You might get an apple or you might get an apple pie, an apple turnover, an Apple computer, a CD of Fiona Apple’s greatest hits, a bottle of Snapple, or maybe even something that has no tangential connection to apples at all and you just sit there wondering how the shopper saw “apple” and how they made the series of mental backflips that led to them delivering a pair of hiking boots to your door.

Anyway, fun thing about being an aspiring writer. You see a potential for a story in everything. The idea formed. What if you were an employee for an online shopping service? What if you had a customer who was ordering weird, suspicious stuff?

A year post college graduation, Steve Anderson can’t find a job even with a BS in Philosophy from a college of ill repute. Desperate for dough, he slings grocery bags for the online shopping service Shop Buddy. When a strange old man begins ordering the bizarre – knives, power tools, axes, chains, rope, etc. Steve’s ex-girlfriend turned current boss is very suspicious while Steve remains blissfully oblivious.

Anyway, it was fun to write and all in all, it took about a year. I hope you fine 3.5 readers will lend all 7 of your eyes to it.

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FREE BOOK!

I’m Crazy BQB and my book prices are INSANE!!!

Get this free book and don’t forget, it’s FREE!

“But BQB,” you say. “I’m trying to save money because gas prices are higher than a clone made from a mix of the DNA of Willie Nelson, Snoop Dogg and Woody Harrelson.”

Good for you! Then you shouldn’t be spending money on books. You should be getting this free book instead:

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I’m Number 1! I’m Number 1!

My short story, “The Phone Did It” about one man’s cell phone that commits crimes in his name while he sleeps, is the number 1 free technothriller on Amazon today.

Ha! Eat your heart out, Dan Brown!

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Eight Years of this Exceptional Blog

Memories, like the corners of my mind…I can’t finish that song. I don’t want to infuriate Babs Streisand copyright lawyer.

Eight years ago in March I started this exceptional blog and eight years later, I have acquired upwards of 3.5 readers. How do I do it? Beats me.

2021 and as it turns out, 2022 thus far have been sad in the life of BQB. However, I am confronting a lot of my mistakes and problems and ultimately, hoping for five minutes of peace and contentment before I reach the end of my life’s journey, hopefully longer yet.

Anyway, here are some thoughts as I look back at eight years of bloggery:

#1 – The coolest thing I did on this blog was #31zombieauthors. Feel free to search this site for that hashtag if you like. Each day in Halloween of 2015 I posted a different interview of an author of zombie fiction and was surprised to actually score a few decent sized names in zombie lore and/or self publishing.

#2 – I self published my first book on Amazon in 2017. I self published a second one in 2018 but took it off because it didn’t really go anywhere (it was intended as a series I never got around to continuing.

#3 – Terrible as the pandemic was, especially at its height, I managed to use the time for a lot of writing. I self published 7 short stories and a collection of those stories, bringing my overall Amazon catalog to 9 books.

#4 – I’m due to self publish Shop Buddy this year and I think I might be able to self publish one book every third of the year i.e. by May 1, Sept 1 and Jan 1 2023.

#5 – I used to get a lot more comments and readers chiming in but that stopped. It might have been because my blog was new in the early years but I used to put my work into it whereas I eventually realized I don’t have enough time for everything, so I turned my attention to self publishing and less on blogging. I did blog once a day in 2015 which helped build the blog up, even though it only has 3.5 readers.

Anyway, thank you for being my 3.5 readers. Travel down the road and back a-geeters? Your hearts are true, you’re my pals and my confidants.

SIDENOTE: My main regret for this fine blog? In the beginning, I just wanted to get into blogging so I came up with a random idea to snap a pic of some action figures on my bookshelf. My idea was that I was going to post book reviews and post the books I reviewed in the midst of action figures doing funny things on said bookshelf.

But that was too much work. For a long time I did character posts, writing columns as silly characters.

Now it is pretty just me and my movie reviews. Things evolve I suppose.

Oh, my regret. Yeah, I’d pick a name other than Bookshelf Q. Battler. I knew nothing of self publishing when I first started blogging, but once I blogged about writing, I dove down the rabbit hole, learning all about people who have successfully built their own book publishing businesses and I wanted in. So if I’d known that from the start, I’d pick a cool name like Lance Hardrock or something. I’ve noticed writers with even ridiculous nom de plumes get more respect if their fake names are at least names. Meanwhile half my Amazon reviews are like, “Fuck you! You’re an inanimate object!” I mean they obviously arent that bad but it feels like there’s a weird psychological thing where people are cool posting smack about a dude named after an inanimate object whereas people are like “I cant hurt Dirk Rippedpecs’ feelings!”

In short I wish I’d known up front that this would eventually morph into a blog about my self publishing endeavors and movie reviews. I would have picked a cooler name up front.

I suppose it’s not too late to become Lance Hardrock. I only have 3.5 readers but then again, that’s better than the 0 readers I began with.

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Shop Buddy – First Draft Done!

Hey 3.5 readers.

I have an announcement. Today, I finished the first draft of Shop Buddy, a mystery/comedy that took me, eh I’d say about a year to write, though I took long breaks here and there.

The plot? Steve is a recent philosophy major and graduate of a notoriously bad college. Unemployed and unemployable, he takes a job with Shop Buddy, a website/app where people shop for goods and deliver them straight to the customer’s door. When he screws up an order big time (the customer wanted a birthday cake but the app told him to bring her a box set of Oingo Boingo’s greatest hits) he is demoted, and forced to work with his ex-girlfriend Kendra, another recent college grad who is finding it difficult to find a real job, which isn’t fair, because she did all the right things you’re supposed to do.

Amidst this backdrop, Steve gets a bizarre order from a strange old man. Knives. Chainsaws. Rubber gloves. Ropes. Chains. What is the old timer up to? Could he be The Fairmont Falls Lady Snatcher, a vile abducter of women that the media won’t stop talking about? Kendra says yes. Steve says no. Will these two unravel the mystery? Will they rekindle their lost love and most important…will they ever find real jobs?

It’s very satisfying to finish a first draft. And while it has my naughty brand of humor, I kept all eff bombs out of it so I’d say, it’s rated PG 13 at best. I think this will be my first full length self published novel (I have published short stories but never a novel) so stay tuned.

Still a lot of work ahead but nice to have the first draft in the bag.

Sidenote – I was inspired to write this at the height of the pandemic, when I relied on grocery delivery and I would be shocked at how I could put down something like apple and get back all manner of ridiculous things where you’d have to stand on your head side ways and wonder how they thought that had anything to do with apples.

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FREE BOOK!

This book is FREE the next couple days, so grab your FREE copy:

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Merry Christmas, 3.5 Readers

Hey 3.5 readers.

Your old pal, BQB here.

Tis the season for looking back and reflecting and with my overall goal of becoming a super awesome big time fancy writer, I have to take stock of how far I advanced toward that goal.

This year, I published three books:

In January, I put out “The Second Death” about a fame seeking weirdo who seeks long lasting infamy, the kind that survives long after his demise.

In February, I published a collection of six short stories – “BQB’s Twisted Shorts: The Complete First Volume.” Werewolves, superheroes, sabotaged skydivers, wacky conspiracy theorists and more.

And finally, in March I published “The Phone Did It.” This one popped into my head at random and I felt it was inspired. It’s about a salesman with an unusual product, an automated cell phone that knows you so well, it just does whatever you would have done anyway. Ahh, but what if said salesman has demented thoughts that he would have never acted on without a soul-less mobile device willing to do the dirty deeds for him?

Funny, I published three books in the first three months of the year. I hoped I would keep it up and publish one book a month but unfortunately I stalled out by April. The key seems to be to publish very short books, approximately 100 pages or so. The longer the book, the longer it takes to publish. Even so, 3 books in a year is pretty good and here’s hoping I can add to my BQB Amazon catalog in 2022.

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How Many Free Books This Year So Far?

15967

I just wanted to make a note of that so I wouldn’t have to add up the monthly totals again. Pretty cool, but I’m not sure how I only have 3.5 readers after giving away so many free books.

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