Tag Archives: writing

Does this blog suck?

Hey 3.5 readers.

BQB here, channeling my inner Vinny Baggadouchio and asking if my blog sucks.  Does it suck?

If it does suck, what are some ways in which I can make it not suck?

If it does not suck, why do you think it does not suck?

Personally, I feel it needs more organization because my posts get buried in the blogroll whereas there might be some gems from the past that people might like to check out.

Also, in retrospect, I’m not sure that “Bookshelf Q. Battler” was the catchiest of pen names to choose, but after investing three years into it, I’m not sure it is wise to start over from scratch with something else.

Also, this blog is supposed to be, in part, a chronicle of my BQB adventures yet I feel like I never have the time to tell you all about the amazing nerd adventures I have been on.  Would you read them if I did?  People don’t seem to read stories on blogs, I have been noticing.  So in that regard, perhaps this idea for a blog was dumb but again after three years, I feel like I just can’t cut bait and run.  Who knows if another blog idea would do any better?

Thoughts?  Thank you 3.5.  Also, why haven’t you 3.5 readers become 3,500.5 readers yet?  What are you waiting for?  What can I do to make this happen?

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Zom Fu = #677 in Wattpad Horror

Hey 3.5 readers.

Your old pal BQB here.

Check it out.  Zom Fu is #677 in Wattpad Horror:

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If you’re a Wattpadder, maybe consider giving it a vote, or a comment, or some feedback on how I can make it better.  I mean, it’s a tale that involves kung fu AND zombies, so it is already pretty awesome, but if you have suggestions I am all ears.

Thank you 3.5.

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Six Weeks of Toilet Gator Sundays!

Truly, the longest meaningful commitment I’ve ever made…

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Random Things to Blog About #101-125

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#101 – Key lime pie.  Do you always check to make sure the limes used to make it were from the actual Florida Keys before you eat it?

#102 – Favorite card game

#103 – Most embarrassing moment

#104 – Pugs – adorable or ugly?

#105 – Why isn’t ninja an occupation that you can go to college for?

#106 – Shakespeare: overrated or underrated?

#107 – Write a haiku

#108 – Favorite flower

#109 – When it rains, is it God crying or peeing?

#110 – Are the people on television just tiny people that were squeezed into your TV set?

#111 – Your creepiest deja vu experience

#112 – Is it better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all?

#113 – Name one way you would change the world if you could.

#114 – Is money the most important thing in life or is it the root of all evil?

#115 – What’s your favorite smell?

#116 – What’s your least favorite smell?

#117 – If you were standing in a room where your most and least favorite smells were combined, would you be sad, happy, or conflicted?  (For example, someone puts a warm apple pie and a rotten fish in the same room with you.)

#118 – When was the last time you played with a frisbee?  Why don’t you play frisbee more?

#119 – What’s the most expired food item you have in your kitchen at this very moment?  Take a photo, post it, and write about it.  Once I found a bottle of vinegar from a food store that had been closed in my area for twenty years.  It was hard to tell whether or not it had gone bad because it was vinegar (it always smells bad) but I threw it out to be safe.  I’m not sure why I had vinegar in the first place.  Who the hell uses vinegar anyway?

#120 – If you formed a band, what would it be called?

#121 – Your best memory

#122 – Michael Jackson: Musical genius, incredibly odd weirdo, or both?

#123 – Favorite travel destination

#124 – Isn’t it weird that planes can fly?  I mean, yeah, there are scientists that can explain how planes fly but still, it is hard to wrap your head around it when you really think about it.

#125 – Ketchup – should it go on everything or just some things?  What are those things?  Perhaps you are one of those people who believe it should go on nothing?  What are you, a Communist?

 

 

 

 

 

 

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101 Random Things to Blog About

Hey 3.5 readers.  I heard a rumor that you are also 3.5 writers.

Thus, pulled out of my butt completely at random, here are 101 things that you could write about on your 3.5 blogs:

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#1 – Cats.  Always adorable.  Meow meow.

#2 – Bunnies.  You know if they had smaller ears, they’d just be fat rats.  People only like them for their enormous ears.

#3 – Chocolate.  Mmm mmm, gotta love me some chocolate, girlfriend.

#4 – All your personal problems.  Go ahead.  Share them on the Internet.  What could possibly go wrong?  (My lawyer advises that no one should do this as a lot could go wrong).

#5 – Farts.  Do you know everyone farts?  The Queen of England farts.  Beauty queens fart.  Debutantes fart.  Santa Claus farts.  No one in the history of the world had not ever farted at least once.  Forgive me for the sacrilege, but even Jesus farted.  I can only assume that he turned his farts into bread to feed poor lepers.

#6 – Golf.  Whack a ball.  Walk.  Whack it again.

#7 – The fact that old people have sex.  How old do you think the oldest people to have sex were?  Do you think a hundred year old ever had sex?  Do you think two, one hundred year olds are bumping genitals as we speak?  Come on.  It’s a big world and history is long.  Two one hundred year olds must have gotten together and pounded one out at least one time between caveman times and today.  It’s not only possible it’s virtually impossible that it hasn’t happened at least once.

#8 – Dogs.  Messier than cats.  Nicer than cats.

#9 – Your kids.  Only don’t be dishonest.  Be honest and tell us they are ugly and they will never go anywhere.  (My lawyer says don’t listen to me and don’t talk about your kids on the Internet, even if it is to be honest and tell everyone how smart they are unlike all those parents who put 10,000 photos and stories on Facebook every time one of their spawns burp).

#10 – Art.  Who is your favorite painter?  Do you think Jackson Pollack laughed his way to the bank every time some dummy bought one of his canvases that he just flicked his paint brush all over?

#11 – Cows.  Moo.

#12 – Ducks.  Quack quack.

#14 – What’s your favorite sandwich?

#15 – Favorite pizza topping?

#16 – Favorite movie

#17 – Favorite taco filling?

#18 – Favorite comic book?

#19 – Have you ever farted so loud that it scared you?

#20 – Karate.  Do you know it?  If you don’t, why not?  Do you think someone is going to karate chop muggers for you?

#21 – Root beer tastes better than real beer.  Discuss.

#22 – What is an alternative version of you doing in an alternate universe right now?

#23 – Your favorite type of pie.

#24 – Favorite song.

#25 – Why are zombies so stupid?

#26 – Do chimpanzees really like bananas or is that a vicious chimp stereotype?

#27 – Favorite car.

#28 – Worst movie you have ever seen.

#29 – Worst pickup line you ever heard.

#30 – Worst pickup line used on you.

#31 – A pickup line that worked on you.

#32 – Do aliens exist? (Spoiler alert: Yes!)

#33 – Do you ever wonder what the world will be like in three hundred years?

#34 – The Three Stooges: Complete idiots or misunderstood geniuses.  Discuss.

#35 – Does decaf coffee even make sense?

#36 – Why don’t people walk backwards?

#37 – Do you think the inside of a kangaroo’s pouch looks like a swanky Manhattan bachelor pad?

#38 – Why haven’t fish figured out not to bite hooked worms after thousands of years of human fishing history?  Why are fish such dumbasses?

#39 – Did French people call French Fries just plain old fries?

#40 – Favorite TV show

#41 – Worst TV Show

#42 – Favorite cookie

#43 – Favorite cake

#44 – Favorite number

#45 – Favorite letter

#46 – What would people say about you if they knew for sure that  you’d never hear that they said it?

#47 – Favorite fruit

#48 – Favorite vegetable

#49 – Biting all the chocolates in a box of chocolates until you find the one you want.  Acceptable or not?

#50 – What business would you start if a rich benefactor was willing to give you the startup money?

#51 – Does your butt hurt right now?  Why or why not?

#52 – Mudslide.  Scary weather condition or excellent drink?  Discuss.

#53 – Is every boxing movie just trying to copy Rocky?

#54 – Puffer fish: hilarious or not?

#55 – Why is poop brown even when you didn’t eat anything brown?

#56 – Why don’t people wear capes anymore?

#57 – Why don’t people wear fedoras anymore?

#58 – Why don’t people wear spats anymore?

#59 – Why don’t people wear smoking jackets anymore?

#60 – Your favorite Jean Claude Van Damme movie.

#61 – Favorite crayon

#62 – Favorite dinner recipe

#63 – How long can you hop on one leg without putting your other foot down?

#64 – What’s the most hilarious thing that you are seriously worried about?

#65 – Bugs.  Smush ’em and not blink an eye or try to coax them out the front door so they can live to “Bzz” another day?

#66 – Favorite ice cream flavor

#67 – Favorite place to take a date

#68 – Favorite superhero

#69 – Favorite Bond film

#70 – Favorite Bond villain

#71 – If everyone in the world farted at the exact same time, would the world explode?

#72 – Hobos: hilarious or tragic?

#73 – If you could go on a space voyage to a distant planet but it would take so long that you’d never be able to return to Earth in your lifetime, would you go on it?

#74 – Funniest “Yo Mama” joke.

#75 – Does everything taste better dipped in chocolate?

#76 – Favorite board game

#77 – Biggest bubble you ever blew with a bubble wand

#78 – Favorite singer

#79 – Favorite band

#80 – Why aren’t there anymore rock bands?

#81 – Favorite baked potato topping

#82 – Chili – should it be for breakfast?

#83 – Favorite baseball team

#84 – Favorite football team

#85 – Do you prefer to write with pencils or pens?

#86 – What’s in your pocket right now?

#87 – Favorite TV channel

#88 – Favorite Tyler Perry movie.  Someone out there has one.

#89 – If oranges are orange, why aren’t strawberries called reds?

#90 – Watermelons are neither water nor melon.  Discuss.

#91 – Pancakes are neither pans nor cakes.  Discuss.

#92 – Which rapper would you must like to share a plate of cheesy fries with?

#93 – Worst hairstyle you’ve ever worn

#94 – What are three changes you must make in order to be happy?

#95 – Why do squirrels love nuts?

#96 – Favorite version of Law and Order

#97 – Your favorite joke

#98 – Favorite color

#99 – Favorite amusement park ride

#100 – Your favorite episode of Murder She Wrote.

#101 – Your own list of 101 things to blog about.

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Five Weeks of Toilet Gator Sundays

Can you believe it has been five whole weeks of Toilet Gator Sundays, 3.5 readers?  Now that’s commitment!

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Third Year Anniversary for Bookshelf Battle

Hey 3.5 readers.

Bookshelf Q. Battler here.

Yup.  Three years ago this month, while I was stuffing a burrito into my face hole in a Taco Bell parking lot, the idea to create this amazing blog was born.

In its first year, there was an attempt to be semi-serious and focus on literary discussions.

In year two, it went off the wall with revelations about my magic bookshelf, my hatred of yetis, my best friend Alien Jones, my better half Video Game Rack Fighter, and all the other assorted weirdoes that traipse through BQB HQ on a regular basis.

In year three, I focused on novel production.  I did get a rough draft of a novel finished but I made it so epic in scale that I feel like it will be a lot of work to get it ready and perhaps two more novels could be added that would come before it.

Alas, they’re on the shelf right now (I swear I’ll return to them) and as we enter year four, I have developed a book cover purchasing addiction.  Don’t worry, it is under control, but I feel like it just makes good fiscal sense to write and publish BQB’s Writing Prompts, Zom Fu, Toilet Gator and Zomcation first.

Believe it or not, there’s actually light at the end of the tunnel for BQB’s Writing Prompts. It’s definite that will get published this year.  As for the rest, I’ll work as hard as I can, but alas, I’m not in my twenty year old days where I could just drink a Red Bull and go 24 hours on a project and wake up the next day fresh as a daisy.

In conclusion, I’d like to share a little song I wrote for you:

Thank you for being a friend, 3.5 readers.  You’ve traveled down the road and back again.  Your hearts are true.  You are my pals and my confidants.  And if you threw a party and invited everyone you knew, you would see the biggest gift would be from me and the card attached would say, “Thank you for being a friend.”

Oh wait.  My attorney informs me I did not write that.  That is, in fact, the theme to the Golden Girls.

Oh well.  Thank you for being my 3.5 friends anyway.

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Toilet Gator – Chapter 3

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Sitwell Community College

Sitwell, Florida

10 p.m.

Sitwell Community College wasn’t known for academic accomplishment, or successful alumni, or even for getting basic knowledge into the heads of its students. It was, however, known for raging keggers, provided courtesy of Lambda Pi Delta, the fraternity that owned the rowdiest off-campus party house.

For the past decade, those soirees had been carried out by perpetual student Chad Becker, a long, flaxen haired hunk who never bothered to wear anything other than a loosely tied bathrobe and worn, leather sandals.

While Chad addressed the crowd of drunken degenerates, his frat brother Paul, a young, gangly looking dweeb, inserted a plastic tube into a funnel.

“Fellow Deltas,” Chad said. “I dedicate this next chug to the good people of Syria. May those vile Dakotans stop trying to build a pipeline through their lands once and for all so that Bernie Sanders can focus on his bid to become the president of Afghanistan.”

“You really need to pay more attention to the news, Chad,” Paul said as he cracked open a forty ounce tall boy.

Chad burped, then with slurred speech, stammered out a weak reply. “You really need to pay attention to your face. Because it’s ugly.”

Britney, a fake blond with one inch black roots, stumbled through the crowd on high heels that she was not comfortable walking on in any way whatsoever. Her press on nails may have been fake, but her concern was genuine.

“Chad,” Britney said. “You need to stop.”

“No,” Chad said. “You are the one who needs to stop.”

“Babe,” Britney said. “How much have you had to drink tonight?”

“College is for drinking, sugar tits,” Chad said before releasing a loud belch.

“This is just his sixth one,” Paul said as he picked up a tall boy.

Britney snatched the giant can out of the geek’s hand. “Spazenbrau? Are you shitting me, Paul? You let him drink six of these?”

Somewhere in the back of the frat house, a DJ got on his mic. “Lambda Pi Delta! Are you having a good time?”

The DJ’s question was met with a deafening chorus of “yeaah!” and “yoo!”

“I can’t hear you!” the DJ said.

The hoots and hollers grew louder.

“My main man Chad Becker is in the back chugging brews in the name of various social causes so you’re going to want to check that out. When the hell are you going to graduate, Chad? You’ve been going to a two-year community college since the Bush administration!”

“Never!” Chad shouted. “Party time for Chad forever! Woo!”

“Now it’s time to get down with a little Stank Daddy,” the DJ said. “Y’all need to get your dance on for Stank’s new single, Smack a Bitch.”

Britney persisted in shouting questions to Paul, who just shrugged his shoulders because he couldn’t hear anything over the blaring rap music lyrics:

Stank Daddy in Da House Gonna Smack a Bitch,
Bust Her Head with a Tire Iron, Leave her ass in a ditch.
Stank Daddy on the scene gonna make some greens.
Gonna smack a bitch until her ass starts to scream.

Gretchen and Eleanor, the two most notorious feminists on campus, sauntered past Chad, Paul and Britney and found a spot on the dance floor to boogie down.

“Should we be dancing to this?” Martha shouted. “It seems awfully chauvinistic.”

“No!” Gretchen shouted back. “Stank Daddy isn’t using the word ‘bitch’ to describe a woman, but rather as an insult to all of the various societal forces that are trying to keep him down.”

The rap continued…

Talkin ‘bout them phat ass bitches with them big ass titties.
Stank Daddy gonna chop ‘em up and bury ‘em under seven different cities.
Smack a bitch yo, smack a bitch yo, if you is a bitch you don’t pass go.

Britney got right up in Paul’s ear and screamed. “Why did you let him drink six of those?”

“He only drank five!” Paul shouted back.

“It doesn’t matter!” Britney cried. “Each can is a forty ounce! A regular beer is like twelve ounces so you basically let him drink sixteen beers!”

“Oh Jesus Christ, Britney,” Paul cried. “You take one math class and you think you know everything!”

Britney carried on. “And it’s a beer slash energy drink. So now you’ve got him drunk out of his mind and all cranked up at the same time!”

“Chaddy wants his drinky poo!” Chad shouted. “Paul, you son of a bitch, you beer me right now!”

Paul stuck the other end of the plastic tube in Chad’s mouth.

“Don’t you do it,” Britney hollered as she wagged a finger in Paul’s face.

“I’m powerless, here!” Paul yelled. “I’m the frat’s Beer Meister. If a brother asks for beer, he gets beer.”

“Cut him off!” Britney shouted.

“I’m sorry,” Paul cried as he cracked open the tall boy. “But I can’t allow anything to interfere with my sacred duty! I took an oath!”

Elsewhere on the dance floor, Gretchen and Eleanor were getting their groove on.

“I’m still not so sure about this song,” Gretchen shouted.

“Will you relax?” Eleanor shouted back. “This song has nothing to do with misogyny. Try to stay woke, babe.”

Stank Daddy’s lyrics filled the room:

Aw yeah I’m talkin’ ‘bout smackin’ up a bitch with a big ass vagina.
Knock her out with a baseball bat, nothin’ could be fine-ah.

Eleanor put her arms around Gretchen’s waist and the pair began to sway back and forth together.

“You know what we should do?!” Eleanor shouted.

“What?!” Gretchen yelled.

“We should totally go back to the sorority house and scissor the crap out of each other as a big F-U to the patriarchy,” Eleanor hollered.

“But will the patriarchy even now?” Gretchen screamed.

“The patriarchy knows everything,” Eleanor yelled as she took Gretchen’s hand and led her off the dance floor.

“OK,” Gretchen shouted. “But I have to tinkle first!”

Meanwhile, a group of looky lous assembled to watch Chad destroy his body. Stank Daddy’s jam died down and the DJ brought the music to a normal volume.

“Chug, chug, chug!!!” the crowd cried as Paul poured the Spazenbrau down the funnel and into Chad’s hatch.

Thirty seconds later, Paul crushed the beer can in his hand. “Empty!”

“Wooo!” cried the onlookers.

Chad stood up, surveyed his adoring fans, then released a giant burp.

“One more for the Chadinator!” Chad shouted to uproarious applause.

“Holy shit baby,” Britney said. “Are you ok?”

“Of course, foxy mama,” Chad said. “I’ve never felt…”

Slam! Chad collapsed to the ground.

“Oh my God!” Britney screamed as she dropped to her knees and slapped Chad in the face. “Baby! Babe, wake up!”

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And Now a Word From My Spokesperson…

Hey 3.5 readers.  Your old pal BQB here.

You know, this March will mark the third year anniversary of this fine blog, and though I love you all,  I must admit that in all of this time I have been sitting back and wondering when one of you readers would get off your shiftless, lazy hides and record a video testimonial of my greatness.

Seeing no such incoming video testimonials, I turned to Fiverr and found this delightful spokesperson, who was happy to educate the masses of my astounding brilliance.

In conclusion, this was the best five dollars I have ever spent and had I known it was possible to get women to say nice things about me by paying them I would have started doing it a long time ago.

Thank you, spokesperson.  That was an awesome testimonial.  In all humility, I truly deserved all of those wonderful compliments.

Meanwhile, this was my first time using Fiverr and I recommend it.  There are all sorts of talented folks waiting there to help you do awesome things with your website, blog, business, etc. so check out Fiverr.com

And finally, my spokesperson did such a fantastic job that I’ll give her a plug.  If you have a gig you’d like to throw her way, you can check out Stayingvintage on Fiverr.com

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Toilet Gator Sundays (Or, BQB’s Production Schedule)

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Hello.  My name is Bookshelf Q. Battler and I am a Book Cover Design Contest addict.

So here’s the deal.  I have finally reached the point where I can’t afford to buy any more book covers without publishing a book and getting some kind of return on investment, even if it is just enough to pay for the cost of the book cover.

So this will be my last book cover design contest for awhile.  Also, I hereby pledge to all 3.5 of you readers that I will not, not, not, start a new idea until all my previously started ideas are published.  I have to have some discipline or else nothing will ever make it to market.

Bookshelf Q. Battler’s Big Book of Badass Writing Prompts is almost there.  A pro is actually going over it and everything so there is light at the end of that tunnel.

I hereby declare my production schedule as follows:

  • BQB’s Writing Prompts – should be out well, I don’t know when, but I feel like April at the latest.  Could be sooner.  Doubt it will be later.
  • Zom Fu – Novel I am currently working on.
  • Toilet Gator – The idea popped in my head and I laughed and laughed and laughed.  Then I started a design cover contest and laughed and laughed and laughed.  Then I wrote the first chapter and laughed and laughed and laughed.  I’m going to have fun with this, but I don’t want it getting in the way of Zom Fu.  So, from now on, look forward to Toilet Gator Sundays.  Every Sunday, a new installment of Toilet Gator.  If I limit Toilet Gator to Sundays, then I still can find time to work on Zom Fu during the week.
  • Zomcation is half-written.  I just need to find the time to finish it.
  • Zombie Westerns – those will come next.

So there you have it.  Writing Prompts.  Zom Fu.  Toilet Gator.  Zomcation.  Zombie Westerns.  And then if I’m still kicking, my other ideas will see the light of day.

I’d love it if Prompts, Fu, Gator, and Zomcation could be done this year, and then next year is solely a Zombie Western year, and then 2019 I bring forth new ideas, but I realize things don’t always go to schedule.

At any rate, I must complete the books I have bought covers for before moving on.  I won’t buy covers for unfinished books in the future, but I had to do it this time around as I was losing faith and the seeing book covers made this all seem real.

Anyway, thanks for being my 3.5 readers.

 

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