Hmm…dating a celebrity seems like it would be fun…until the cameras start rolling.
Is your girlfriend’s life being documented for the drama factor?
Hmm…dating a celebrity seems like it would be fun…until the cameras start rolling.
Is your girlfriend’s life being documented for the drama factor?
Poor JT. He goes to the Super Bowl and whips out Janet Jackson’s titty and everyone flips out, so this time he plays it straight and everyone gets pissed out.
Look, make up your minds, people. Either you want Justin to whip out titties or you don’t.
I’ll admit though I’m not sure what the point of this whole “Man of the Woods” thing is. Like, you think it means he’s trying to become a Country music star but instead he’s just making pop songs about the country? WTF.
Hey 3.5 readers. Won’t you be my 3.5 readers?
Millennials, sit down a minute, because you’re not going to believe this shit.
For roughly 35 years, the most popular children’s television program, really, the show that essentially started the concept of educational TV for kids, featured a single (though married in real life) grown ass man, who, from middle age well into his elder years, just randomly invited neighborhood children into his home, unattended, unsupervised, just him and the kids, and they played games and learned life and educational lessons and ate cookies and snacks and shit and then he’d just send the kids home completely unscathed.
Oh and also, the man had constructed a working toy trolley that rolled on an elaborate track that moved from his house to another room where the man had constructed an entire fantasy puppet kingdom. The puppets had been given names, intricate backstories and everything.
All kidding aside, I’m glad Mr. Rogers is getting some recognition but is there enough backstory for there to be a movie? Was there a big drama that unfolded as that we can watch and eat popcorn to? Was there a big bad villain who was all like, “You will never build your fantasy puppet kingdom, Mr. Rogers! Never!!!!”
I don’t know. I’ll give it the benefit of the doubt. If you’ve never seen Mr. Rogers, go check him out on YouTube. You dipshits could benefit from learning how to be nice from the man who invented niceness.
By: Leo McCoy: The Man Who Allegedly Once Met James Van Der Beek
Howdy doo, 3.5 readers.
Leo McCoy here, still resting on my laurels because I accomplished my life’s work in the 1990s when I delivered a sandwich to that blonde God-man, James Van Der Beek. To flip the script of that sexy man’s theme song, I don’t have to wait for my life to be over, because I found out what the purpose of my life will be – to sit around and be happy that I met James until the end of my days.
FYI I used the word “sexy” in a manly way. I appreciate JVDB’s physique and want to make mine look like his but you know, that’s not gay or nothing.
Look, 3.5 yahoos, the topic du jour of this column is this – I just tried seven layer Mexican dip for the very first time and it was a bittersweet experience. Sweet because it tasted so good. Bitter because my ass exploded like the cannons in the “1812 Overture.”
I like sour cream. I like shredded cheese. I like salsa. I do not like guacamole or jalapenos so I never tried this dip before because I didn’t want to eat something I didn’t like but as it just so happened, there was some in my fridge. I don’t know how it got there. I think my old frenemy BQB left it there because he felt sorry for my supposed unemployment issues. All I can say is I don’t need your charity, nerd boy.
So I tried it. And I enjoyed it. First you get the sour cream and cheese and its like a nice texture, kinda chewy. Then you get the salsa and its hot. And honestly, I find guacamole to usually suck but when you mix it with the other stuff it’s pretty good.
Anyhow, an hour goes by. I’m content. I’m glad I tried something new, not nearly as glad as I was on that fateful day when I met the Beek from the Creek, but still, pretty happy nonetheless because I was dreaming of all the dip I’d eat.
Long story short, my ass started blowing up like a 2 dollar whore’s phone on check cashing day. Whoa nelly. Such sounds. Such smells. Was it worth it? I don’t know. It was pretty tasty and I do live alone so I suppose so.
Still, I can’t help but think that Bookshelf Q. Battler put that delicious dish into my fridge just to assault my colon. The nerve. Besides that time I tried to feed him to zombies, what did I ever do to him?
What’s your favorite James Van Der Beek memory, 3.5 readers? Discuss in a purely aesthetical, non-gay way in the comments.
Guns, guns, and more guns.
BQB here with a review of Netflix’s “The Punisher.”
When I was a kid, it was common for nerds to gravitate towards more realistic super heroes. Batman was popular because he was a human without any supernatural powers.
Nerds in the know knew that as cool as the Caped Crusader was, Frank Castle aka “The Punisher” was the more (perhaps the most) realistic superhero. Arguably, advanced wealth, and the ability to train all day, travel the world to learn new techniques, fund new technologies and figure out how to subdue criminals with non-lethal bat kicks only to hang them forty stories up in the air by a bat rope hooked to one end of a gargoyle with the other end to their underpants is pretty damn spectacular.
In short, it’s unlikely you’ll ever obtain Bruce Wayne’s wealth and if you did, it’s unlikely you’d be able to develop the science defying goodies he wields.
The Punisher, on the other hand, has one super power (of sorts.) He’s extremely pissed off over the death of his family, leading to an eternal “I don’t give a f%%k” attitude.
Batman might knock out a crook with a batarang. The Punisher will just buy an epic shit ton of guns off the black market and blow the crooks away.
I remember as a kid wondering why super heroes always go to elaborate lengths to save villains and bring them in safe and sound only for the criminal to escape and wreak havoc again. Whoever invented “The Punisher” realized that clearly, the only way to stop a criminal from being evil again is to dispense with some hot lead justice.
I mean, for all the blowback Batman got for being a vigilante acting outside the law, the Dark Knight at least left the crooks tied up for the cops to arrest and the justice system to put on trial. If you were an alleged criminal, you at least had a chance to go before the judge and argue that Batman got the wrong guy. The Punisher has no checks and balances system. If it turns out he ganked the wrong dude, the wrong dude remains dead.
Anyway, enough of that nerdery. After three film versions, Netflix seems to have captured the essence of this fan favorite. Jon Bernthal (fans of “The Walking Dead” know him as Shane) plays the ultimate sullen, sad-sack tough guy. We are spared a detailed origin story, though newbs are spoon fed just enough of what they need to know about what drove Frank to become a gun toting one-man crime stopper.
In this version, it’s been six months since Frank took out the crew who killed his wife and daughter. Somehow he thought that would be enough for him to move on be he can’t. There’s a hole inside him and it can only be filled with dead bad guys.
Batman sends his baddies to Arkham. Superman gives his baddies a stern talking to. Spider-Man gums up evildoers in a web but Frank…Frank just shoots them. That’s it.
After “Agents of Shield” I lost hope for a good Marvel TV show, but this series has renewed it. Good show, Netflix. Good show.
STATUS: Shelf-worthy. Does Frank even count as a superhero? Discuss in the comments.
“Curb Your Enthusiasm” put out a new season recently after a six year hiatus. It made me so happy to see Larry David back in action that I ended up watching the whole series, a few episodes a day, for the past month. I’ve seen them all before and remembered the gist of the best ones but it’s been so long it was like watching them all for the first time.
If you’ve never seen it, the quick rundown of the show is that Larry David was the co-creator and producer behind the popular 1990s sitcom Seinfeld. While he only appeared on that show in the occasional bit part, he was largely a behind the scenes man. Fun fact: the character of George Costanza is based on Larry.
On “Curb,” Larry plays a fictional version of himself though I can only assume there is a grain of truth in any form of comedy. As you might recall, George Costanza was a bald loser, fully aware of his unattractiveness and shortcomings, yet often angry over the fact that he couldn’t form a decent relationship with a woman because he’d always freak out over the most trivial of flaws (even though they usually pale in comparison to George’s problems.)
Larry is essentially the same way. For most of the series, he is married to hot, younger wife Cheryl (Cheryl Hines) who suffers Larry’s douchebaggery with grace and dignity. In later seasons, Larry and Cheryl divorce, though she remains a returning character. Larry dates a variety of hot babes, women so attractive who have so much going for them that you want to shout out that clearly Larry would never be getting them if not for his vast “Seinfeld” fortune and Hollywood connections…and yet he usually screws things up over a trivial flaw. (In one episode, he dates a ridiculously hot restaurant hostess only to ruin it all when she borrows $40 only to forget to pay it back. Before you take Larry’s side, keep in mind that a quick Google search of Larry’s net worth puts it at $900 million so yeah, let the hottie keep the $40 Larry.)
Frankly, I’m impressed by how much money Larry made. The number of people who became near billionaires off of being funny must be few and far between.
My other random observations, in no particular order:
#1 – The first three seasons take place in the early 2000s, the first season in 2000. The experience is surreal. Flip phones. Tube TVs and computer monitors. No GPS. In a first season episode, Larry and Cheryl get lost on the way to a dinner party, with nothing but a friend’s handwritten directions to guide them. Anyone else remember trying to find a place with nothing but a friend’s shitty directions and no GPS, having to drive around, hope to find a landmark, stop for directions and hope to find someone who can help you? If you’ve never done that, you have no idea how lucky we all are to have cell phones that can tell us how to get where we want to go today.
#2 – Larry self-deprecates the crap out of himself. It’s a big man who is willing to make himself look like a schmuck. It would be one thing if Larry called himself a different name, i.e. Gary Schmavid but here, he’s saying this is me, playing myself and I hate to get into his head but I can only assume that somehow he feels comfortable portraying himself as a goofball, a man who constantly bucks societal norms, schemes to get out of social conventions only to make things so much worse.
# 3 – It’s “Seinfeld” with swearing. If you liked “Seinfeld,” and don’t care about swearing, you’ll like this. The characters rarely grow or improve or better themselves. No special episodes where a character gets sick. No morals or lessons. Just humor for humor’s sake. The goal is to make you laugh and nothing more.
#4 – It made me feel bad to see how time screws us all in the looks department. Not to knock Larry but he more or less looks like he does at the beginning as he does 17 years later. Larry is bald with gray side hair for as long as I can remember. He does appear a bit younger looking and more spry in the beginning episodes. He’s early 50s when it starts and 70 now.
Richard Lewis, veteran neurotic comedian of the 1980s, plays himself and appears handsome at the start of the series. Black hair, strong features, looks like he belongs in movies. In later seasons, he looks old, gray, balding and decrepit. Still has his wit but makes me sad what time does to us.
Not dumping on anyone but you can see it in all the recurring characters, how youthful they all long in the earliest seasons.
#5 – So much political incorrectness. Many of the jokes from past seasons would not fly today. The irony is that Larry does and says many shitty things, but if you get offended too early and walk away, you’ll miss the part where Larry gets his comeuppance for saying and doing such shitty things. Never assume Larry gets away with anything. He never does. Cue ending scene where the theme music plays with closeup of his eyes as he realizes how much shittier he just made a shitty situation.
#6 – On the other hand, it’s not always Larry. Sometimes it’s Larry as a victim of circumstance. People are so tied to social norms that a minor deviation makes them go ballistic. He’ll accidentally do or not do something, through no fault of his own, and despite apologies, people will go ape shit on him. Perhaps we can give people a break if they don’t always act 100 percent of the way we want them to.
#7 – Jeff Garland (Larry’s manager Jeff Greene) and Susie Essman (Jeff’s she-devil wife Susie Greene) are great. Susie goes ballistic over the littlest things, though often she sniffs out when Larry and Jeff have joined forces in a joint scheme and exposes them. “Fat fuck” and “bald fuck” or “four eye fuck” are her names of choice for the duo.
#8 – Larry has Peter Pan syndrome. It’s surreal to see a man with gray hair acting like a youngster, but he has so many young-ish habits. Throughout the series, he’ll meet old, gray haired people and talk to them as one would a grandparent and it leaves me wondering if he’s aware that he’s old himself. Then again, he’s got mad cash, so that keeps you young.
Conclusions – It’s an awesome show. If you need something to binge watch, I highly recommend it.
Larry David is my spirit animal.
Bomp bomp bomp….bah bah bah…bah bah bah bah…
BQB here with a review of the latest season of “Curb Your Enthusiasm.”
When we last saw Larry in his HBO sitcom, it was season 8, in 2011, and wow, has time flown. Since then, Larry has found even bigger stardom playing Bernie Sanders on SNL, but he’s returned for another round of Curb.
If you’ve never seen the show, picture Seinfeld, plus jokes and/or words and/or things that can happen on cable that can’t happen on NBC. Like the show he created with pal Jerry Seinfeld in the 1990s, “Curb Your Enthusiasm” is also much ado about nothing. No one ever grows or achieves or accomplishes, it’s just Larry, playing a parody version of himself, wasting his time on nonsensical worries.
I have to assume that bald and unattractive Larry was the inspiration of Seinfeld’s George Costanza. You might remember George, a pudgy bald man who ironically, would get hooked up on dates with the most attractive women only to reject them over trivial matters. Similarly, Larry is 70, fully aware of his ugliness and yet also aware of his various mental dilemmas. He’d rather be alone than be with a woman who annoys him in the slightest way.
Larry must be a lot of himself into this role. Recently, when he guest host SNL, he did a bit where he said he could related to Quasimodo from, “The Hunchback of Notre Dame.” Surely, Quasi could have found “a” woman but no, the woman had to be the most beautiful woman in all of Paris. Below average women who were “OK with the hump” would never do.
I might opine Larry’s women troubles probably come in part to his money and success. If you look like Larry and say, in the real world, are a bus driver, then no, there will not be a bevy of beauties lined up for you to pick through and reject.
At any rate, this long overdue season centers around “Fatwa: The Musical!” a broadway show Larry has written about Salman Rushdie, a writer who was marked for death by the leader of Iran for his writings. As the season progresses, Larry teams up with none other than Lin Manuel Miranda to direct the show. The two butt heads, and how and that’s not when Larry is arguing with star of the show, F. Murray Abraham.
Fan favorites return. Larry’s best friend/manager Jeff Garlin as Jeff Greene, Susie Essman as Susie Greene, Jeff’s wife whose witchy tirades might send chills up the spine of any many thinking about getting married if they weren’t so funny. 1980s comic Richard Lewis is still himself. Bob Einstein of “Super Dave” fame remains Marty Funkhauser and Larry just can’t get rid of longtime house guest Leon Black aka JB Smoov.
I give props to Larry. His main comedic power is self-deprecation. The whole show just dumps on him. Everyone thinks he’s terrible. He thinks he’s terrible. There’s no drama or crying or tender moments its jut dump on Larry and dump on Larry some more. Celebrity guests stop by in cameos as themselves to dump on Larry. There are few celebrities, I think, who would allow themselves to be lampooned so vigorously, but Larry, on the other hand, is the ultimate good sport.
Have you ever had a moment where you felt you were wronged someway, so you took some action to change things, only to wince when you realize that you’ve made things so much worse, and things were so much better before you changed anything? That’s Larry’s life in a nutshell, and when that tuba plays, he knows he’s effed up.
If you hear that tuba playing in your head, you know you’re becoming like Larry David.
Hey 3.5 readers.
BQB here. I don’t have time for an in-depth review, but wanted to know what you all think about this season of “The Walking Dead” thus far.
I think it is one of the better seasons, I especially love the recent tension with Eugene. I will say though the show has a tough decision. The goal seems to be to kill Negan, the worst, most dastardly villain the show has ever seen and yet, he’s also the most interesting character the show has seen in a long time.
What say you, 3.5?
“Who y’all talkin’ ’bout? Batman? Somebody needs to do something’ about him.”
As a comic book nerd, I really enjoyed this sketch. Participants in the Wayne Manor Thanksgiving food drive complain about how Batman is profiling them, constantly coming into their neighborhoods, breaking their jaws, zip lining them up 30 stories into the air by their underpants and leaving them hanging by gargoyles.
Excessive force, Batman. Excessive force. Gotta chill out, buddy.
Complaint – I love Leslie Jones but I wish she’d work a little more on her timing and delivery. I see this over and over with her sketches. She flubs lines and then it takes me out of the sketch and takes me a minute to get back in. She’s very funny, has a lot of talent and pretty much carried that Ghostbusters movie on her back, but I hope she’ll work on her live delivery a little more.
Observation – I think Beck Bennett might be a better Wayne than Affleck.
Oh my God, Morty! We have to review a show about Rick and Morty, Morty! BURP! The review has to be good, Morty! The BQB Blog only has 3.5 readers, Morty! What are we going to do, Morty?
Hey 3.5. So after years of hearing about Rick and Morty, I finally checked it out and I am hooked. I haven’t laughed so hard in so long. That’s a good thing because I thought comedy had more or less died.
The first thing is this is a TV show on Adult Swim and is NOT for kids at all. Surprising, for some reason I did think it was a kids’ show but I was wrong. Lots of gratuitous sex talk, innuendo, situations and swears galore.
The gist is that Rick Sanchez is a Grandpa who, after disappearing for 20 years, returns to his family. He is a mad scientist and in this show, the most intelligent being of all time, yet it’s hard to wrap your head around it because he is always burping and swearing and engaging in boorish behavior. Confusing things is that Rick often uses his scientific know-how to travel a) through space b) through time and c) through time lines…meaning more than one version of himself pops up often.
Rick drags his nerdy grandson Morty along on his adventures and it really tears Morty up. Morty just wants to be a regular kid and can’t deal with the stress of being his grandpa’s intergalactic time traveling helper. Is this a metaphor about sometimes kids have to grow up too early and help their elders? Maybe.
Anyway, it has given me a lot of laughs. I recommend it, Morty.
Burp. Time to end the review, Morty. Because we have to, Morty.