I’m late in wishing you a Happy Halloween but I hope you had a good one.
I’m late in wishing you a Happy Halloween but I hope you had a good one.
Hey 3.5 Hallo-weiners.
BQB here. Boo! And so forth. Sorry, I’ m out of candy because I ate it and told the kids to get jobs and buy their own because this isn’t Russia and we aren’t filthy commies.
But that’s ok because I have the best treat ever. My book of Badass Writing Prompts is only 99 cents and well, if you’ve been reading this blog, and I know 3.5 of you have, then, you know, I don’t mean to be a dick, but come on, open up your wallet and make a tiny contribution towards keeping the lights on in BQB HQ.
There’s nothing scarier than a writer who has not read my badass book of writing prompts, that’s for sure:
Have a good day, 3.5 Halloweeners.
Bleh! I vant to suck your blood, 3.5 readers…bleh, but I don’t want to do a lot of work so bleh, bleh please just lay your necks down and make some holes in them with your necks so I can just slurp out the blood and then…
Bleh! Where are you going? It sure is hard being a lazy, incompetent, asshat vampire. In fact, you might have noticed that this year my name has been changed from Asshat Vampire to Incompetent Vampire.
Anyway 3.5 readers, I do like to check in with you all once a Halloween. How have you all been? I hope you have all been murdering many vampires because I hate those guys ever since they kicked me out of the League of Vampires.
I wish I had more to say but I have been a very depressed vampire as of late. In fact I think I might just quit being a vampire. Is that even possible? Someone contact a vampire lawyer and let me know.
That’s it. I am even incompetent at writing columns. Happy Halloween 3.5 losers. Bleh!
By: Uncle Hardass, Official Bookshelf Battle Blog Grumpy Old Man Correspondent
Hello 3.5 degenerate readers.
Your Old Uncle Hardass here. Still trying to be writers I see. Oh well, I guess it’s good it’s Halloween then. Your parents can just gorge on some Halloween candy to distract themselves about how disappointed they are in you. Can’t say as I blame them. Get jobs, losers!
Anyway, I suppose I’ll wish you a Happy Halloween though I don’t know why. All this holiday is, is an excuse for dummies to put on fake costumes so they can pretend to be something they aren’t but wish they were while putting their hand out, demanding I give them free shit. In other words, Halloween is basically what the world will look like everyday if the blasted Democrats take over. Mark my words. Seriously people. Don’t I pay enough taxes? You all need my candy too? Shiftless clowns.
I mean, maybe it’s ok for five year olds to participate in this waste of time, although really, by four, I had a job and a mortgage and my first case of the gout but whatever, I guess we just spoil young people until the end of time now. Whatever.
So I want to talk to you 3.5 turkeys about “fun sized candy bars.” What a big time hoax this bull shit is. The candy companies sell these bags of little candy bars, call them fun sized and then they basically have figured out a way to charge you more for less candy.
Honestly. What do you dum-dums do every year? You buy one bag but then you worry that your house will be overrun by little turds so you buy five bags. Then, at best, five kids show up, so you then you just eat the rest of it like the fat fuck you are and then you resolve…never again! You’ll only buy one bag next year. Then you’ll do the same thing next year.
Look, just take the same amount of money, buy five regular sized candy bars, the first five kids who got to your door first get the big candy bars and the rest of the little monkeys get Jack Squat. Teach ’em an important life lesson. People who get there early get a reward. People who take their time and fuck around get a big heaping handful of nothing. Really, you’re not doing them any favors by delaying this important lesson.
Are small candy bars fun? No. That’s because nothing in the history of time that is fun has ever been small. Disagree? I knew you would, you contentious freak of nature. Consult my handy list of things that are only fun if they are large:
Titties – Small titties are not fun. Females with small titties, I’m sorry, but your boyfriend is just lying about liking your tiny knockers and is simply waiting for a broad with jumbo jugs to come along.
Santa Clause – No one wants a small, skinny Santa. Christmas is only happy if that fat fuck laughs and shakes his belly like a bowlful of jelly. Fun sized Santa’s belly is flat as a board. Get Santa off Jenny Craig immediately.
SUVS – I see these tiny bitch SUVS all the time. You know how that shit got started? Big men used to buy big trucks. Then they put covers on the back. Then they started putting seats in the back. Then women started driving them and they wanted them smaller and smaller and smaller until you’ve got a little shitbox that’s high off the ground. No fun at all!
Texas – Everything is bigger in the Lone Star State. Try asking for small sizes there. See how fast you get laughed outta town.
Movies – You know what they call a fun sized movie? A TV show. And if you ask me, most TV shows suck. They haven’t made good television since 1959.
Nothing is fun when it is small. Just ask a midget. Midgets are not happy. Their size is not fun. Sure, they’re still people and should be treated as such, but their size is not fun when no matter where they look, they’re staring at a full sized person’s crotch. That’s not fun at all, unless you’re a midget pervert, then I guess, yeah, you’re having a blast. So OK, that’s the only case where being small is fun, i.e. if you are an over-sexed little person.
Any other time, small is not a fun size. So, just buy five full sized candy bars, reward the early bird children who did not rest on their laurels, then tell the other kids to head down to the food stamp line where apparently they will be for the rest of their miserable lives because they can’t get their costumes on time and report for trick or treating at a reasonable time.
Happy Halloween, 3.5 jackasses, though what’s so happy about it I’ll never know.
They stink. See, the Millenials aren’t aware of this. If you tell them a C.H.U.D. stinks, they’ll just be all like, whatever, you should just be nicer to the C.H.U.D. or hug him more or try to understand where the C.H.U.D. is coming from.
But if you’re a Gen Xer like me then you know C.H.U.D.s are no joke, and you certainly don’t want to be dating one. Ergo, from BQB HQ in Fabulous East Randomtown, it’s the Top Ten Warning Signs You Might Be Dating a C.H.U.D.
#10 – Lives in the sewer.
Dead giveaway. There is no reason for anyone to live in a sewer. Sounds like your boyfrined might an “underground dweller” who puts the “UD” in CHUD. Yeah, I’m lazy. I will no longer put the period after each letter.
#9 – He is cannibalistic.
You saw him frying up a nice hand sandwich? No, that wasn’t a typo. I didn’t mean ham sandwich. I meant hand sandwich. Look, the dude’s eating a damn hand and you’re trying to make excuses for him. “Aww, the poor guy, he just had a bad childhood. If I love him more, he’ll stop eating people.”
No, bitch! You in love with a damn CHUD! Run bitch, run!
Also, he puts the C in CHUD.
#8 – He is a humanoid.
Always date an actual human. A human is a human. A humanoid is a creature that has a head and arms and legs and many of the same features as a human but is not a human. Just because it moves like a human doesn’t mean it is a human. Get some self-confidence. Don’t settle for humanoid. You deserve a full blown human.
He puts the H in CHUD. That’s right. He is a Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dweller.
#7 – He is super ugly.
Well, let’s be practical. A lot of people are ugly. Sure, we all wish we could date supermodels but after the sex, would we have anything in common to talk about? Probably not. So ladies, perhaps you might want to give a guy a break if he’s bald or pudgy or not so handsome but….yeesh…holy shit girl, that dude not just ugly, he a damn CHUD!
Only you can tell the difference between ugliness and CHUDness.
#6 – Smells bad.
Most men do. We take pride in our farts. But is the stench natural or CHUD-like? You be the judge. If you have to ask, you know the answer. Run bitch, run.
#5 – Has bright yellow eyes.
Eyes aren’t supposed to glow. Get out of there before you’re a snack.
#4 – Has pointy teeth.
We’re not talking just a lack of quality dental care. We’re talking pointy, human biting teeth.
#3 – The best soldiers and police officers of the 1980s don’t seem like they’d be able to stop him.
But then again, they never could in any 1980s movie.
#2 – It’s like you’ve heard of him, but don’t really know him per se.
Yeah, I’ve heard ugly people be called CHUDS hundreds of times and have even been on the receiving end. I understand the reference but to this day I have not bothered to watch the actual movie. It’s one of those movies where you must be a real weirdo if you’ve bothered to seek it out and watch it.
#1 – He tried to eat you.
You’re better than that. Don’t beat yourself up about it. Just run and also know that you’re worthy of love that doesn’t lead to you ending up in a CHUD’s colon. I know, that’s the most beautiful thing that’s ever been said to you. What can I say? I have a way with words.