I can’t believe it’s been one year since David S. Pumpkins. I’m David Pumpkins, man! I’m my own thang…
I can’t believe it’s been one year since David S. Pumpkins. I’m David Pumpkins, man! I’m my own thang…
By: Video Game Rack Fighter, Official Bookshelf Battle Blog Video Game Correspondent
Hey 3.5 readers.
Halloween may be long over, but I have yet to stop playing the Google Doodle game featuring that adorable wizard cat.
Did you miss it?
So it’s Halloween. A wizard cat is studying with his wizard friends. Ghosts break in and steal all the friends and then the wizard cat must save the day.
Each ghost has a symbol over its head. To defeat the ghost, you must draw the symbol.
As the game progresses, the symbols get harder and you get less time to draw them.
I love it.
(If you’re doing a web search instead, the official name is “Halloween 2016 Google Doodle.”)
Sorry is has been awhile since I have posted a video game review. What games are you 3.5 readers playing and which ones are you looking forward to?
Currently, I have my eye on Gears of War 4 and Battlefield 1.
What a load of crap.
Who wants Halloween on a Monday when you’re just getting the work week started?
As the Count would say, “Bleh.”
It has been a fun month here on the Bookshelf Battle Blog with Count Krakovich, Asshat Vampire and Schecky Blargfeld, Zombie Comedian.
Hope you had a good time, 3.5 readers.
By: Count Krakovich, Asshat Vampire
It’s time for me, your favorite asshat vampire, to channel that one hit wonder 1990s band Semisonic, 3.5 readers.
Here we go:
Closing time, bleh! One more call for alcohol so finish your whiskey or beer, bleh!
Closing time, bleh! You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here, bleh!
Just kidding. Stay here all you want. Click on lots of posts. It makes BQB feel like his life has meaning.
Bleh, I hate vampires because vampires have treated me badly just because my incompetence got seven or eight hundred of them killed and unlike Elsa, they do not let it go.
Vampires and your mother-in-law, both good at holding grudges, am I right, bleh?
To wrap this up – blogging. If you make a vampire blog for thirty-one days about thirty-one ways to defeat a vampire, he will end up exhausted, 3.5 readers. He really will, bleh.
I am defeated, bleh.
Thanks a lot, asshats. Hope you enjoyed it. Or do? I don’t care because I’m a douche-pire, bleh.
Happy Halloween. Eat lots of candy. Avoid the fun size candy bar scam, bleh.
In case you missed it, 3.5 readers, or in case you are worried that your girlfriend might be a zombie.
Oh, who am I kidding?
If you’re reading this blog you don’t have a girlfriend (Womp womp womp womp waaa).
One month later, Santa Anna strolled with Isadora across his luxurious, sweeping hacienda in Veracruz.
Correction: Isadora strolled. Santa Anna clunked.
“Mierda,” the general said. “What good is eternal life without a leg?”
The lady vampire scoffed. “Off the top of my head, I can think of a thousand dead men who would gladly trade a leg to be in your position.”
Santa Anna hobbled his way to a flower garden, where he sat down on a bench and adjusted the straps on his wooden prosthetic leg.
“Crafted by imbeciles!” the general shouted.
Isadora found a spot on the bench and sat quietly as her protege raged.
“How many times have I saved this country from ruin?!” the general barked. “And all I ask for is a fake leg that fits me properly!”
Santa Anna looked out at the green field that sprawled ahead of him, stretching all the way to the horizon. Peasant workers in rags toiled away under the hot sun, picking ripe vegetables and placing them into burlap sacks.
The general pulled out his pistol, closed his left eye and took aim at a random worker who happened to be standing roughly eighty yards away. The trigger was pulled, the shot fired. The worker fell. His body disappeared into the greenery.
The remaining workers in the dead man’s vicinity stopped momentarily. They looked around and then upon realizing who had fired, went immediately back to work, praying that their brief pause had gone unnoticed.
“Why did I do that?” Santa Anna asked as he blew the smoke off the barrel of his gun.
“Because you wanted to,” Isadora replied.
“All my life, I have wanted to do many things,” Santa Anna said. “Terrible things.”
Isadora plucked a red rose from a nearby bush and admired it.
“Take what I want,” Santa Anna said. “Torture whoever mocks me. Murder whoever stands in my way. Fuck…”
Santa Anna looked at his companion and calmed down as he realized she was hanging on his every word.
“You stopped at the best part,” Isadora said as she pulled a petal off the rose.
The general finished his sentence. “…whoever I want.”
“What has been holding you back?” Isadora asked.
“I don’t know,” Santa Anna said. “Morality. Decency. Religion. Right and wrong.”
“All good guesses,” Isadora said as she rubbed the petal between her thumb and forefinger. “But all wrong.”
“You look at me as a cat does a mouse, woman,” Santa Anna said. “Tell me already.”
“It was your soul,” Santa Anna said.
The general holstered his weapon then leaned back. He looked up at the sky and attempted to lose himself while staring at all the fluffy white clouds.
“The greatest drawback of life, mi amor, is a soul,” Isadora explained. “A priest will tell you that it is the very essence of your being but if we’re being honest, it is little more than a nagging pest, a pathetic little worm that holds you back…”
Isadora leaned in close and nibbled on Santa Anna’s earlobe. “…it whispers in your ear, ordering you to be good when you know deep down that being bad is much more fun.”
The lady flicked the petal into the air. It danced about in the wind for a moment before it fell to the ground.
“But now your soul is gone,” Isadora said. “You no longer have to worry about it standing between you and what you desire ever again, morality be damned.”
“I do not understand how I can still be here without my soul,” Santa Anna said.
“It may not seem like it but trust me,” Isadora said as she brushed her cold hand up against Santa Anna’s colder cheek. “You are most certainly dead and upon death, the soul and the body separate. Your soul travels to heaven or hell, depending on whether you were a good boy or a bad boy. Where do you think it went?”
“I’d rather not think about it,” Santa Anna replied.
Isadora laughed. “Perhaps that is best.”
“I’m dead,” Santa Anna said. “Yet here I am.”
“Your body carries on,” Isadora said. “Your mind continues to function. But when I drained you of blood, I killed you. When you fed on my blood, you were reanimated. A body drained off blood that is offered blood cannot resist and even death cannot prevent it from feeding.”
Santa Anna sat up and looked around the field.
“You will need to feed forever to remain as you are,” Isadora said.
“Speaking of,” Santa Anna said. “I’m feeling peckish.”
The general stood up and limped into the field. Isadora followed.
“Who will you choose?” the lady vampire asked.
The general stopped and stared at a gray haired old man who was digging in the earth with a shovel. “Too old.”
“Not necessarily a problem,” Isadora said as she followed her love. “Like wine, blood ages well.”
“Yes,” Santa Anna said. “But he’s lived about as much life as he can and wouldn’t fear death, would he?”
“You are a natural when it comes to being a vampire, novio,” Isadora said.
The general stopped in front of a hideous man with a hunchback and a goiter on his noise.
“Ugh,” Santa Anna said as he walked away. “Wretched.”
“The package doesn’t always match the taste,” Isadora said.
“Yes,” Santa Anna said. “But I’d have to look at him while I’m eating…hello.”
A buxom senorita took a break from picking corn to dab her sweaty brow with a handkerchief. Her hair was dark and pulled back from her face with a red ribbon.
The general’s fangs popped out.
“Practice what I showed you,” Isadora said.
“But it would be so much better if she screams,” Santa Anna replied.
“You must learn how to glamour,” Isadora said.
“Oh, alright,” Santa Anna said as he if were a naughty school boy caving in to his scolding mother’s command. “Senorita.”
“Si?” the señorita replied as she turned around. As soon as she noticed the general’s fangs she shrieked. “Un monstruo!”
“Shh,” Santa Anna said as his eyes turned red. “There is nothing to fear.”
“No hay nada que temer,” the señorita replied.
“You want to come to me,” Santa Anna said.
“Quiero ir a ustedes,” the senorita replied.
She did and as soon as she was close, Santa Anna dove his fangs into her neck and sucked. The señorita was quiet, peaceful. Her eyes closed and as she was drained she slowly, peacefully went to asleep until her body went limp in the general’s arms.
Santa Anna lifted his blood soaked mouth up from his meal and tossed the senorita’s carcass to the ground as if it were a pile of trash.
“I am invincible,” Santa Anna said.
“Close,” Isadora said. “But not quite. You’ll want to stay away from silver and guard your heart at all costs. A silver bullet or a wooden stake driven through your heart will be the end of you.”
The she-vamp reached her delicate fingers into Santa Anna’s shirt and pulled out a shiny golden medallion that was hanging from his neck by a chain.
“Above all else,” Isadora said. “Do not lose this and do not ever go outside in the daylight without this on.”
Santa Anna looked down at the golden circle. The design was simple, a mere pentagram. In the center, there was the face of a fearsome looking ram with long, pointy horns.
“A cheap bauble,” Santa Anna said.
Isadora slapped her man across the face, then pointed her finger at him. “You have no idea how difficult it was to talk father into giving this to you. Most vampires must slave away in his service for centuries before gaining his trust.”
Santa Anna reached out and ran his fingers over a similar medallion that hanged from Isadora’s neck.
“Would it be wrong to assume that this ‘father’ you speak of is actually the dev…”
Another slap. A finger pointed at Santa Anna’s face again.
“Do not ever use father’s real name,” Isadora said.
“Why?” Santa Anna asked.
“Because the greatest trick that father ever played is to convince mankind that he does not exist,” Isadora answered. “Throw his name around often enough and incompetent humans might start to wise up.”
“Incompetent?” Santa Anna asked.
“Humans are fools,” Isadora said. “They live short lives and barely have enough time to learn a thing. Alas, you haven’t lived long either mi amor but follow my counsel and you will rule Mexico.”
Isadora took Santa Anna’s arm and the vampires walked together toward an enormous, pristine white mansion.
“The people already call you the Napoleon of the West,” Isadora said.
“I’m not sure that is a compliment,” Santa Anna said.
“It is,” Isadora said. “He was a masterful warrior and between you and I…he was one of us.”
Santa Anna’s eyes widened. “But he had his waterloo.”
“Obey me and you never will,” Isadora said.
“There is a cost you’ve yet to mention, no doubt,” Santa Anna said.
“Of course,” Isadora said. “You’ll need to wake up father.”
“Wake him?” Santa Anna asked.
“Naturally,” Isadora said. “Mexico will be yours, Antonio, but the world will be father’s.”
By: Count Krakovich, Asshat Vampire
Don’t you hate it when you think you’re going to get a big ass candy bar but instead you get a teeny tiny candy bar instead?
“Oh it’s fun sized! This pathetic little candy bar is so much fun!”
Bleh, let me tell you, that is some Don Draper Madison Avenue Mad Men Peggy Olsen bullshit right there. “Fun Size” was invented so that candy companies could sell shit tons of candy during the Halloween season and while I haven’t done the math in my vampiric brain, I’m willing to bet that when you buy one of those bags of fun sized candy bars, they’re selling you less chocolate for more money.
Bleh! I’m so angry I’m bleh-ing all over the place. I’m too lazy to do the math. One of you nerds, go analyze the square footage of the average amount of chocolate in a bag of fun sized candy bars, compare it to an equal amount of regular, non-fun sized candy bar chocolate, then do a price comparison, carry the four, add the denominator, multiply times PI and then tell me if I’m full of vampire shit or if I’m onto something, bleh.
“Oh look at me, I have a regular big sized candy bar and it is so boring I wish I had a tiny candy bar then it would be fun.”
You know what’s worse? One of those assholes who can actually just eat one piece of fun sized candy. Because you know the rest of us whales are inhaling so many pieces of the fun sized candy that we’re probably eating the equivalent of a dozen regular, boring size candy bars.
And that’s how they get you! Because when the candy is small, then you shovel it in your stupid cake hole and then you eat all the candy even though you never would have eaten a dozen regular boring size candy bars in one sitting because if you did then you know you’d have a problem.
So on top of all that, you have to haul your fat chocolate stuffed ass back to the store and buy even more fun size candy because you don’t want to be that one assface in the neighborhood that everyone hates because you don’t have any candy to pass out on Halloween, bleh!
Bleh, just thinking about all this has me feeling defeated. I am a vampire and I have been defeated by candy, bleh.
By: Count Krakovich, Asshat Vampire
3.5 readers, you have spent the past month defeating many vampires with my sage wisdom, so now it is time to treat yourself to a monster movie marathon!
Without further ado, here is a list of the Top Ten Horror Films you should watch this Halloween:
#10 – Night of the Living Dead (1968)
George A. Romero invented the zombie genre with his 1968 classic. It’s low budget but that’s ok. Creepy hands busting through the walls of a house cost little but scare lots.
“They’re coming to get you Barbara.” Scary!
#9 – Nightmare on Elm Street Series (Started in 1984 then Kind of Went On Forever)
Notorious child murderer Freddy Kruger (Robert Englund) beats a murder rap on a technicality but gets burned alive by neighborhood parents in an act of vigilante justice.
Freddy, with his burned up face, fedora, striped turtleneck sweater and razor glove, ends up haunting teenagers’ dreams and somehow, if he kills them in a dream, they die in real life, thus the teens must avoid sleeping.
So…OK…not exactly a feel good family friendly movie. But the first film does give us a young Johnny Depp and ironically, he’s not the one in all the makeup in this picture.
Directed by horror legend Wes Craven.
#8 – Friday the 13th (Long Running Franchise that Began in 1980)
As a young lad, Jason Voorhees drowns at Crystal Lake because the teenage counselors were incompetent as shit and thats what you get for sending your kid to live under the care of dumb hormonal teenage camp counselors who, let’s face it, aren’t that much smarter than your kid to begin with.
Hell, if they were to remake this movie today, Jason would be drowning while all the teenage counselors busy themselves with cell phone selfies.
But like Elsa, Jason is not able to let it go. He comes back again and again, always in a hockey mask, slashing away to the point where you honestly wonder why someone doesn’t shut this damn camp down.
Not that it would matter as Jason takes his show on the road, goes up against Freddy Kruger in Jason vs. Freddy and even ends up in space in the year 2455 in 2001’s shark jumping Jason X.
Don’t send your kids to camp, 3.5 readers.
#7 – Scream (1996)
This 1990s film and its sequels sought to parody the slasher film tropes of the 1970s and 1980s by featuring a killer who is obsessed with horror tropes vs. teens who use their horror trope knowledge to survive for as long as they can.
The opening scene with Drew Barrymore answering a call only to get a creepy question, “Do you like scary movies?” is iconic. Neve Campbell, Courtney Cox and David Arquette (as incompetent law man Dewey) are at their best in this and it makes me sad so much time has past because it feels like this movie was just out in the box office yesterday but alas, as I write this, I realize it has been 20 years.
Boo! I have survived Ghostface but time, that sneakiest of all killers, is slowly getting me.
#6 – Scary Movie (2000)
The Wayans Brothers walked a fine line when they parodied Scream, which was, in and of itself, a parody of slasher movies. But whereas Scream featured enough seriousness to keep the plot moving, Scary Movie was an all out lampooning of the horror genre.
The subsequent sequels have been cringeworthy suggesting that people today just don’t get the Zucker-esque, Airplane style slapstick that the Wayans Brothers loved in the past.
But the original gave us the adorable Anna Farris and to this day, whenever I see a woman on the big screen running away from a killer, I find myself echoing the advice of Shorty Meeks (Marlon Wayons) – “Run, bitch! Run!”
Don’t trip and fall. Don’t go upstairs. Don’t stand around. Just run, bitch. Run bitch, indeed.
#5 – The Shining (1980)
Jack Nicholson stars as Jack Torrance, a writer who takes a gig as the caretaker of a hotel. The winters in the hotel’s area are so bad that he’s told up front that he’ll be snowed in and stir crazy for months.
Get paid to sit around and write? Sounds like a gig my 3.5 readers/aspiring writers and I would be into.
Alas, the hotel is creepy as hell, Jack loses his mind, grabs an axe, and terrorizes his wife (Shelley Duvall) and young son, Danny (Danny Lloyd.)
#4 – The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974)
It’s on the list because it does have a cult following amongst horror fans but I particularly don’t care for it because this film, its sequels, and other films like it i.e. The Hills Have Eyes give us more of a look into the gore than necessary.
When we’re talking horror movies, all that is necessary for the audience to see is a knife slash, a blood spurt, a dead body on the fall. No need to go all out and show people being hacked up in gruesome detail.
I mean, seriously, I’m a vampire and even I get grossed out by this, bleh!
#3 – The Silence of the Lambs (1991)
To the best of my knowledge, this is the only horror film that has received the Oscar for best picture.
Now, there are people who will argue that this film is really a mystery with horror undertones but come on, when you have a dude that eats liver with fava beans and a nice chianti, that’s some scary shit.
Forget the werewolves and the zombies that you’ll never see. Forget the vampires that you’ll only see when you read my columns on this pitiful blog.
This film took the audience into scary minds of two twisted serial killers, Hannibal Lecter and Buffalo Bill, two men who managed to fool society into thinking they were harmless for years until their addiction to murder was exposed.
Bleh! Now that’s some scary shit.
Jodie Foster as Clarice Starling, stumbling about in the dark while Bill gets up close with his night vision goggles and she doesn’t know that he’s right next to her?
Bleh! Scary shit.
I’m a vampire and even I don’t want to put the lotion in the basket.
2002’s Red Dragon is also a worthwhile prequel, telling the story of how FBI agent Will Graham (Ed Norton) caught Lecter and then used his advice to track down “the Tooth Fairy” killer.
2001’s Hannibal and 2007’s Hannibal Rising I say, at the risk of becoming Hannibal’s dinner, not worth your time. They are very bleh, bleh.
#2 – Saw (2004)
2004’s Saw and its sequels upped the ante as serial killer Jigsaw, introduced to his victims as a puppet who appears on video with a sinister voice, puts people into elaborate traps in which they must do terrible, horrible things to themselves and others in order to survive.
The violence is disgusting and over the top but as mindless as it all seems, the film does have a message – stop complaining about how hard life is and how you wish it was over because if you were actually stuck in a life threatening situation, your survival instinct would kick in and you would do something horrible to survive.
Appreciate life, 3.5 readers. It is better than the alternative, bleh.
#1 – Halloween (1978)
The slasher film to end all slasher films. Some might say this film is where all those slasher film tropes began.
As a boy, a young troubled Michael Myers slashes his sister to death on Halloween night. Years later, in 1978, an adult Michael Myers escapes a sanitarium, returns to his old neighborhood and starts slashing away at Laurie Strode (a young Jamie Lee Curtis before she resigned herself to the boy haircut) and her friends.
Multiple sequels and reboots. They made an H20 (Halloween Twenty Years Later) in 1998 and it saddens me to no end that they could be making an H40 soon.
Bleh, if a slasher doesn’t get you, time will. Wait, why am I worried? I’m a vampire, bleh.
Bleh! Did I miss your favorite scary movie, 3.5 readers?
Share in the comments, bleh.