Great Musings of the Twenty-First Century -#426-450

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#426 – I’d bang my head against the wall but I don’t like pain.

#427 – I once defeated a Bandersnatch with nothing but my pinky finger, a jar of cake batter and my brute strength.

#428 – I don’t watch television.  Television watches me.

#429 – Is it possible to hustle and bustle at the same time?

#430 – Why doesn’t anyone ever build a snow woman?  Is it because people are sexist or because tacking on a pair of snow boobs seems inappropriate? OK, but then you could decide your snow woman is flat chested, but do you want to resign your snow woman to that cruel fate?  Always being the last one invited to the snow person dance?  Right, but who are you to say that being a flat chested snow woman is a cruel fate?  Maybe the flat chested snow woman has a keen wit and a charming personality that more than makes up for…and, screw it.  Let’s just make a snow man.

#431 – Everyone likes eggs over easy.  No one likes eggs under hard.

#432 – I may or may not be a shaman.

#433 – Kale is not delicious but it is nutritious.

#434 – It is my life’s goal to date a bimbo.  I don’t know that I want to marry one, but I’d like to take one to a movie and to get a pint of rocky road ice cream with.  Basically, I would like to study bimbos in their natural habitat and report my findings to the masses.  Who am I kidding?  I am a man so I would probably marry one if given the opportunity and then she would take half the profits from my book publishing enterprise.  Joke’s on her because she’ll spend a lot on lawyer’s fees just to get fifty cents.

#435 – When there’s a knock on your door, it could be anyone from the police, to a murderer, to a neighbor looking to borrow a cup of sugar, to a friend bringing you a box of cookies to the love of your life who you are about to meet for the very first time.  Some visitors will make you regret opening the door.  Others will make you elated you opened the door.  Sadly, you’ll never know if opening the door was a good or bad idea until you open it.  Then again, you could always ask who is at the door, though keep in mind the person could always lie.

#436 – There is a skeleton in my closet.  His name is Fred.

#437 – It has been a long time since I went to a party that had a punch bowl.  Then again, it has been a long time since I’ve attended a party.  Come to think of it, have I ever been invited to a party? FML.

#438 –  I find these musings amusing.

#439 – If you always walk backwards, you’ll never move forwards…unless you move backward in the direction you wanted to go in the first place.

#440 – I wonder if there is an exact double of me out there somewhere.  Then again, there’s no way there could be two such sexy motherfuckers in this world.

#441 – I want to get out of town…or do I want the town to get out of me?

#442 – Watermelon is neither water nor a melon.  Discuss.

#443 – Ignorance is bliss.  If I could be 35% dumber, I’d be so much happier.

#444 – Waffles are better than pancakes.

#445 – I’ve never seen that Nutcracker play they are always putting on at Christmastime.  Ten years with my ex-wife was enough.

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Is Hell Other People?

Hey 3.5 readers.  Your old pal, BQB here.

John Paul Sartre’s play, “No Exit” is often summed up as “Hell is other people.”

Forgive me if I get this wrong, but my understanding is the play consists of three deceased people in a waiting room who are waiting to get into the afterlife.  They each try to get the other to do something but the other won’t give in to what is wanted.

Thus, if someone would just do what you want, your life would be so much better, but they won’t, so it sucks.

Have you ever felt that way?  If only that special someone would love you.  If only your spouse would help out more or make more money or do that thing you like in bed or whatever.  If only your boss would give you a raise.  If only that company would hire you.  If only your dumb neighbor would turn his music down while you’re trying to sleep.

The good news is we all have free will.  The bad news is we are unable to bend people to our will, at least not without becoming strong-arming dictators that we don’t want to become and that others don’t want to be around.

A lucky few get the breaks in that they find the perfect combo of family, friends, and business colleagues who open the right doors and offer what is desired.

Alas, the rest of us have to put up with squirrel brained circus folk who will make us feel lucky if they close their mouths and look down when it rains so they don’t drown.

Discuss.

 

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Buy My Book!

Sorry, 3.5 readers.  Gotta keep the lights on.

Are you, like me, a conspiracy theorist who is constantly worried the government is going to descend into a dictatorship that will control ever aspect of your life?

First, get help.  Second, get a copy of the first episode of The Last Driver, now available on Amazon for 99 cents.

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Buy My Book!

Hey 3.5 readers.  BQB here.

I try not to overload you with this but occasionally I have to pitch my stuff, so please, if you are so inclined, stop on over Amazon and get a copy of my big book of badass writing prompts for 99 cents.

Here’s a spoiler.  You can use them as inspiration for your writing if you want, but it’s really just a vehicle for all my jokes that have kept you 3.5 readers captivated for so long now.

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Words the Media Should Stop Using

#1 and #2 – Terrifying, Horrifying or Variants

EXAMPLE: “Senator Bumble’s Support for Bill #535 is Terrifying!”

No it isn’t.  You know what’s terrifying? Leatherface coming at you with a revving chainsaw and the car you’re in is out of gas.

If you don’t support that bill, then Senator Bumble’s support for it is disappointing, ill-advised or contrary to your beliefs, but one usually only feels terror when one is in a dangerous situation, one where there is a great likelihood of danger to your physical well-being.

Things that are terrifying: Mike Myers chasing you with a machete.  A dump truck barreling down on you and your foot is stuck in a pothole.  A Bengal tiger spotting you and licking his chops.

Times I Have Been Terrified in My Life: 1) I was getting out of a car on a rainy night when I noticed another car had veered off the road and was about to crash into the car I was getting out of. I had to make a split second decision to keep getting out of the car and try to make a run for it or get back in the car.  I got back in the car and as it turns out, that was the better move as the impact pushed the car quite a bit, right over the spot I would have been in…as you know, a person not inside a car to protect me.  That was terrifying but I am now here to entertain you 3.5 readers so it worked out.

Other Time I Was Terrified:  I was walking alone in a neighborhood at night and an enormous dog started following me.  He kept sniffing at me, nipping at me, put his paws on me (on my shoulders because that’s how big it was) and it was just huge.  I’m not sure the feeling amounted to terror but there was a large concern in my mind at the time that this mutt could have ripped out my larynx if it wanted then defiled my corpse and it was such a quiet country road that it would have been days before the road cleanup crew would have scooped me up with a spatula.  Luckily, the dog didn’t want to.

At any rate, I have felt terror and close to terror but bloviating politicians have yet to strike terror into me.

Things that are not terrifying: Senator Bumble’s support for a bill.

Here’s a handy tip.  When you read about Senator Bumble, did your butthole pucker? Did you break out into a cold sweat?  Did your heart beat rapidly? No?  OK, so then let’s stop using the word terrifying to describe things that don’t cause these things to happen.

#3 – Destroyed

EXAMPLE: Talk Show Host Talky McTalksalot Just Gave a Monologue That Destroyed Trump!

No.  To destroy is to eradicate.  Make it no longer there. Maybe Talky’s monologue gave a strong argument against Trump’s policies.  Maybe you agree with Talky and are happy to see someone is vocalizing a point you agree with.  Maybe Talky has shown where Trump has made a mistake or has engaged in some action you find disagreeable, but Trump was not destroyed.  Trump is still here.  He is still getting up every day, eating his morning Big Mac, then tweeting up a storm.

There are some other words the media uses that drive me crazy but that’s all I can think of for now.

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Daily Discussion with BQB – Don’t Make a Breaking Bad Movie

I liked Breaking Bad but I don’t think they should continue it with a movie.

Oh, if you missed it, Bryan Cranston said in an interview that there would be a movie, or that he’d love to be in a movie or whatever.  Not sure exactly but it was hinted that there would be one.

I just think that series was wrapped up well and it is rare that happens, when all the threads pulled are tied up and viewers are left satisfied.  Let’s not spoil that.

Plus, what has it been, ten years since that show started?  Walter White would have to have the slowest moving cancer ever…on top of being shot in the finale.

Oh shut up you’ve had five years to see it.

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RIP Stan Lee

Hey 3.5 readers.

BQB here.

This is a nerdy blog so you can expect I’d have to say something about Stan Lee.

I guess my first memories of him are when I was a kid, watching Spiderman cartoons on Saturday mornings and hearing him narrate, calling the kids listening “True believer” and using his catchphrase, “Excelsior!”

It’s sad but it is also hard to feel bad because a) 95 is about the best anyone can hope for b) I’m not sure how well he was physically but he was doing well enough that he appeared in cameos in every Marvel movie since 2008 and that’s better than any of my 70 plus relatives were ever able to do c) he was a rare person who not only created something but also did what he wanted his whole life and made a good living at it and d) he lived long enough that he got to see his creations draw big time box office gold.  Sure, they were always possible in comic book form and in cartoons and toys but it wasn’t until just the past couple of decades when Marvel based movies really came into their own.  He got to see it.

Most of all, his heroes were flawed.  While Superman was Mr. Perfect, Lee’s characters struggled with their abilities.  They wanted to do the right thing but they didn’t always know what the right thing was.  They screwed up, made mistakes, felt bad about it, learned how to cope with failure, etc.

When I was a kid I started an autograph collection, writing to celebrities to ask for an autograph to see if they’d write back.  Most didn’t but sure enough, I got an autographed photo of Stan in the mail sent in a Marvel Comics envelope.  I wish I’d saved the envelope.  I’ll have to dig the photo out and post a pic of it.  I’ve always wondered if the signature is real or if it is a pre-printed signature but either way it was cool. I’m sure it was just some assistant who sent it but still, cool.

Finally, here’s a cameo that a lot of people probably forgot but Gen Xers like me remember, Stan in Mallrats, trying to talk Brodie into being a better boyfriend to his girlfriend.

Man, my friends and I watched this movie so many times when we were kids.  Where does the time go?

 

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Playing Red Dead Redemption 2

Haven’t gotten too far into it but enjoying it so far.  The main character is a real cowboy’s cowboy, so that’s cool.

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Movie Review – The Girl in the Spider’s Web (2018)

Thrills!  Chills!  Vacuum bags!

BQB here with a review of “The Girl in the Spider’s Web.”

Off the bat, I’m going to address some of the criticism I’ve been reading about this movie.  The reviewers have been saying this is a cheap reboot, a makeover in the age of superhero movies, turning the great Lisbeth Salander from a deep character to a cookie cutter heroine that can be mass produced for endless sequels.

Balderdash, I say.  In the late 2000s and early 2010s, Stieg Larrson’s “Girl with the Dragon Tattoo” series about a young goth punk chick hacker and bitter middle aged journalist Mikael Blomkvist who team up together to fight crime in Sweden was all the rage.

Alas, for whatever reason, no American sequels were made immediately after 2011’s “The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo” (featuring Daniel Craig and Rooney Mara).  The original Swedish films starring Noomi Rapace live on, chronicling the entire three book series and I found them enjoyable and in some ways, better than the American version as they were more authentically Swedish (obviously) though they lacked the big budget explosions and effects that Hollywood can provide.

Back to the critics, I think they misunderstood the film.  Salander’s character isn’t dumbed down into a superhero.  Far from it.  Unlike every time there’s a new Batman movie and some Hollywood suit insists that half the film be spent on watching young Bruce Wayne’s parents get gunned down on the way home from the theater for the 1,000th time, this movie is an immediate continuation of the 2011 film, just with new actors.

In other words, the audience isn’t treated as a bunch of dummies.  Salander’s whole history isn’t rehashed, her relationship with Blomvquist isn’t explained, you, the viewer are expected to already know the past before you walked in, either from seeing the first film or reading the books or at least having heard something about the series before.  At any rate, Superman flicks might need to keep showing that space pod crash down on the Kents’ Iowa farm for the millionth time and Spiderman movies will always show young Peter sad that he didn’t stop Uncle Ben’s killer, but here, you are trusted to not be a dummy who already forgot the first film.

Claire Foy is great in the role.  Blomvquist, on the other hand, is given a total makeover and turned into a young studmuffin (Sverrir Gudnason), thus proving my point that Hollywood has reached a point where it will never again portray anyone over 40 as being either useful or good or productive or admirable in any way, shape or form.

Salander has hit her stride in this film.  After the buildup in the original, Lisbeth has perfected her ability to use her hacking skills to be the avenging angel of battered and abused women all across the Nordic lands.  Meanwhile, Blomvquist must decide whether to put his career above or below his friendship with the hacker.

Critics have complained that Salander is supposed to be a feminist hero but alas she’s been turned into some kind of male tough guy action star and I think they miss the point here.  Salander isn’t just a feminist hero but also, a realist hero.  Sure, she makes doors open, cars crash and causes all sorts of mayhem with the push of a cell phone button, and that is a super power as unlikely as the Flash’s speed, but whenever her hacking skills won’t save the day, she improvises by doing what mere mortals in her situation might do, i.e. stick a gun in a bad guy’s face or zipping away on her motorcycle and side swiping a cop car in the process because, no human, man or woman, is perfect.

Perhaps the gild is off the lilly for this series in some respects.  Something can only be new and fresh for so long before it becomes old and comfortable and familiar.  In its heyday, this series was considered quite original.  But at any rate, I think fans will be pleased that the film stays true (for the most part except Mikael isn’t a bitter, washed up old man anymore) to the source material.

Plot?  Salander is hired to steal a program that would give its user complete control over all nuclear missiles in the world.  She’s hired by the program’s inventor, who regrets ever making it and feels it should be in the hands of no one.  Alas, “the spiders” i.e. a criminal organization run by the family she escaped from steal it from her and she’ll have to enter a world she thought she left behind in order to get it back.

STATUS: Shelf-worthy.  Critics are dumb.

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Happy Veterans Day

Have a good Veterans’ Day, 3.5 readers.  If any of you 3.5 readers served, thank you for your service.

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