Have you read my book yet?

Hey 3.5 readers.  Your old pal BQB here.

Do you want to write like me?  Well, you can’t.  The only way you could conceivably ever be able to write like me would be to invent a time machine and arrange for Ernest Hemingway to bang Jane Austen and somehow become the resulting love child.

No time machine?  Well, sorry, you’re screwed, but that’s ok, I’ll still give you some of my best ideas for the low, low, incredibly low price of 99 cents.  My prices are insane and I’m practically giving my writing prompts away.

You know, 3.5 readers, I’m not trying to guilt you but I do have expenses here at BQB HQ.  I have to keep the moat stocked with toilet gators to keep zombies and solicitors at bay.  I have to keep my yeti cage electrified.  I need to scrape the barnacles off my feet.  Seriously.  This place is hemorrhaging money.

So help me by putting your finger in my financial dyke and buy your copy today.  If you can’t afford 99 cents then take stock of your life choices and stop drinking and get a job so that you can afford a copy of my fine book.

Thank you, 3.5 readers.

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One Year Anniversary of David S. Pumpkins

I can’t believe it’s been one year since David S. Pumpkins.  I’m David Pumpkins, man!  I’m my own thang…

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Happy Friday the 13th (or BQB’s Top Ten List of Mistakes Made by Horror Movie Victims)

Happy Friday the Thirteenth 3.5 readers…

Bookshelf Battle

Hello 3.5 readers!  Are you stuck in a horror movie and being chased by a fictional psychopath?  (Then why are you reading this blog?  RUN!)

But, if you have a minute while said psycho is taking a breather, then Bookshelf Q. Battler is here with the top ten helpful tips to get you through this Friday the 13th, based on all of the horror movies I’ve seen:

10)  Don’t go upstairs.  Only go upstairs if there is no other direction to go in.  If you can go out of the house, then go out of the house.  Really, what do you think will happen when you get upstairs?  The killer just corners you because the only way out of the house when you are upstairs is via a fatal drop to the ground.

9)  Don’t be rude.  In horror movies, rude people tend to buy the farm in epic ways that make…

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Toilet Gator 

I am sorry 3.5 readers. I have failed in my life’s work, the greatest novel ever written about toilets, gators and/or toilet gators.

I shall return to this sacred duty soon:

The First Marvel Day at Sea Disney Cruise 

Hey 3.5 readers. BQB here.

This week I’m having the honor of sailing on the first Disney cruise featuring a Marvel Day at Sea. That means the Avengers walking around the ship, Marvel themed shows, movies, a talk by a Marvel artist etc.

Here’s a photo I snapped as I walked past a dance party with music off of Starlord’s mix tape. Groot and Peter approve, Gomorrah does not.

An Open Letter to Harvey Weinstein

Dear Harvey,

Check it, bro. I know times look tough right now what with the exposure of your perversions and all but I’d still be willing to work with you.

In fact, if you green light a Toilet Gator movie, I will totally come up to your hotel room and watch you take a shower and masterbate.

I’m totes serious dude. Just watch though. No participation. I have my dignity.

Poll – Toilet Gator or Average Life?

Should I give up on the dream of becoming a rich self publishing millionaire capable of bagging super hot chicks or should I just accept I’m a normal schlub and be with a female schlub until I croak?

Give up writing and be a loser like everyone or bet it all on Toilet Gator?


The cool thing…

…is that even though my mid life crisis has halted all posts you 3.5 readers are still doing a lot of reading on this fine blog. Thank you.

The Future of this Fine Blog is in Doubt 

Hey 3.5 readers. Your old pal BQB here, fresh from defeating the Yakuza. Never get on the wrong side of a Japanese gangster, let me tell you.

For those of you who have been reading this blog intently, you know I’ve always said there was a time limit to all of this.  The older a person gets, the more problems they have until they are eventually crushed by the weight of them.

The Alleged Man i.e. the man who allegedly pretends to be me is no different.

You see the poor guy starting dating. What a dumbass. He met someone but there are some issues. He isn’t sure yet whether those issues are surmountable. 

He’s a bit broken up about it so much so that running a blog about a magic yeti fighting bookshelf caretaker just seems childish to him now.  I know, right?

The Alleged Man is a big dreamer, a man of big ideas and appetites who lives in his head because the real world rarely cooperates with what he wants.

In short it was easy for old AM to slip into a coma for a few years where he believed this illustrious blog and a subsequent self publishing enterprise would lead to him being rich enough to score super hot chicks.

That’s right. You’re all in this for the art. AM is in this for the chicks. 

This AM faces some choices. He could stay single and alone in the hopes that Toilet Gator, the best novel ever written, will be a smash hit and score him lots of chicks…or he can give up and, no offense, be one of you normals, waking up next to a normal chick every day and shopping at Bed Bath and Beyond till he dies.

You might say AM should continue to self publish but there’s the rub. What if Toilet Gator is a success? All the chicks would want him but he’d have already committed to someone. It’d be very frustrating. He’d have to abandon Toilet Gator altogether.

So yes I am asking if it is wise for my friend to stay alone in the hopes that a novel about an alligator who eats people while they poop will be a success.


I have been kidnapped by the Yakuza

Dear 3.5 Readers,

I’d like to apologize for not blogging much lately.  I was kidnapped by the Yakuza and am currently fighting them. When I am free of the Yakuza I will blog more.