And Now a Word From My Spokesperson…

Hey 3.5 readers.  Your old pal BQB here.

You know, this March will mark the third year anniversary of this fine blog, and though I love you all,  I must admit that in all of this time I have been sitting back and wondering when one of you readers would get off your shiftless, lazy hides and record a video testimonial of my greatness.

Seeing no such incoming video testimonials, I turned to Fiverr and found this delightful spokesperson, who was happy to educate the masses of my astounding brilliance.

In conclusion, this was the best five dollars I have ever spent and had I known it was possible to get women to say nice things about me by paying them I would have started doing it a long time ago.

Thank you, spokesperson.  That was an awesome testimonial.  In all humility, I truly deserved all of those wonderful compliments.

Meanwhile, this was my first time using Fiverr and I recommend it.  There are all sorts of talented folks waiting there to help you do awesome things with your website, blog, business, etc. so check out Fiverr.com

And finally, my spokesperson did such a fantastic job that I’ll give her a plug.  If you have a gig you’d like to throw her way, you can check out Stayingvintage on Fiverr.com

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , ,

BQB’s Classic Movie Roundup – Coming to America (1988)

abustany-movie-reel-800px

Holy shit I’m so old.  I actually saw this movie as a little kid in the theater, 3.5 readers.

And now that I think of it, I probably should not have heard the phrase, “the royal penis is clean, your highness” as a kid, but oh well, I turned out fine.  I run a successful blog with 3.5 readers, after all.

If you haven’t seen this yet, you have to.  I was running through the channels tonight and it came on and I was glued.  It’s got to be Eddie Murphy’s most memorable movie and even though it’s a comedy, I think the late 1980s Academy was in remiss for not giving it some Oscar love because it is as funny as it is touching.

Eddie Murphy plays Akeem, Prince of the fictional African nation, Zamunda.  His father, King Jaffe Joffer (James Earl Jones) has arranged a marriage between Akeem and a fine ass babe that will do anything that Akeem wants, but Akeem is, you know, a deep thinker.  He wants a woman who will love him for his mind, not his money and better yet, a woman who he will actually be able to connect with and talk to, an intellectual type.

So, Akeem and his trusty manservant, Semmi (Arsenio Hall) shuffle off to Queens, New York, where those pose as a pair of fast food joint workers.  Akeem falls for the owner’s daughter, Lisa (Shari Headley), but he must juggle his dopey poor man act while fending off Lisa’s douchey rich boyfriend/Jheri curl empire heir (a young Eriq La Salle before he became a doctor on ER), dealing with Lisa’s disapproving father (John Amos) and taking down a stick-up man (a young Samuel L. Jackson, long before he got tired of these mother effing snakes on this mother effing plane).

I spent so much of my youth quoting lines from this movie.  Check it out, 3.5.  You won’t be sorry.

 

Tagged , , , ,

TV Review – Homeland – Season 6 (Thus Far)

Hey 3.5 readers.

Jazz music.  Ominous beginning photo montage.  Crazy Carrie likes pills and wine.  (Not a recommended combo).

BQB here with a review of Homeland.

In case you haven’t been watching, the first few seasons of Homeland were essentially a modern reboot of The Manchurian Candidate.  Mentally disturbed CIA agent Carrie Mathison (Claire Danes) chases and falls in love with brainwashed returned soldier Brody (Damian Lewis).

Without getting into specifics, this is the first post Brody season.  Critics wondered if the show could last past Brody and still be interesting and thus far it has.

This season, Carrie has taken a job with a legal defense organization.  She engages in questionable tactics into getting her client Sekou off the hook on terrorism related charges  only for him to later…well. I’ve said too much.  Just watch.

The big surprise for me is that Quinn (Rupert Friend) is still alive.  I thought the show runners had made it clear last season that he died but apparently not.  It seemed lame to me that they didn’t follow through on this story line but as it turns out, he’s been interesting thus far this season and I wonder if perhaps the show might ultimately be leading to a happy ending where Carrie and Quinn run off into the sunset together.

Have you been watching the show?  What say you, 3.5 readers?

 

Tagged , ,

Zom Fu – Chapter 44

tabletdemo
The little boy was four years old and just a bit over two feet tall. His bedroom was filled with vases, statues, paintings and other artistic riches. Golden sheets and pillows sat atop a bed that was large enough for a fully grown adult to get lost in, let alone a child. Further, the boy was dressed in the finest black and gold silks.

Ironically, though his decor was fancy, his personal interests were not.

“Ball!” the little boy said as he rolled a leather ball across the marble floor. When the ball reached the wall, it bounced back. The boy caught it, rolled it up to the wall and repeated the process.

“Hee hee,” the young one giggled. “Ball!”

A fist pounded on the door.

“Ball,” the boy said as he rolled his favorite toy again.

“Oh glorious one?” came the muffled voice of Nianzu from out in the hallway. “I humbly request an audience, please.”

The boy grew tired of rolling and switched his game up to throwing. He tossed the ball against the wall and caught it on the bounce back. “Hee hee! Ball!”

Nianzu tried again. “Unspeakable danger approaches, your majesty. We must get you to safety at once.”

Crash! The boy laughed as his ball smashed a thousand year old vase to smithereens.

“Is everything alright in there,  exalted one?” Nianzu asked.

The boy clapped his hands together, giving a stirring round of applause to the devastation he’d created. “Ball!”

Out in the hallway, the trio consulted one another.

“Should we just smash the door down?” Nianzu asked.

“And be executed for treason?” Tengfei inquired.

Nianzu shrugged. “It’s not like he actually knows what’s going on.”

Weiyuan and Tengfei’s mouthes dropped.

“Blasphemy!” Weiyuan cried.

“Sacrilege!” Tengfei shouted.

The duo dropped to their knees and started kowtowing towards the door.

“He does not speak for us, oh wondrous son of heaven!” Weiyuan cried.

“Kill him, exalted one!” Tengfei shouted. “Please spare us and kill him!”

Nianzu rolled his eyes. “Idiots.”

Tagged , , ,

Twitter Stock Down

Hey 3.5 readers.  Your old pal BQB here.

I’ve been reading stories saying that Twitter stock is down lately.  Apparently the microblogging site isn’t finding as many ways to capitalize and make money as their rival, Facebook.

I tweet more than I Facebook, but I get why Facebook is making more money.  Facebook has more “normals” i.e. people who just sign up and want to keep in touch with friends/ family while Twitter tends to be more losers like me, wannabe writers trying to coax people into checking out my site.

Anyway, I do hope that Twitter bounces back.  I don’t want to see it go the way of Myspace.

Also, shameless plug, I hope you’re follow me on Twitter @bookshelfbattle or click here.

What say you, 3.5?

Tagged , , , , ,

Zom Fu – Chapter 43

tabletdemo

The general and his men ran through the Forbidden City as reinforcements rushed to the gate.

“Cousin,” Nianzu said. “All these years I thought you’d lost your mind with tales of monsters in the form of men. I am sorry.”

“Apology accepted,” Tsang said.

“Can they be killed, General?” Weiyuan asked.

“Only if you bash their brains in,” General Tsang said as he fished around in his pocket. “Which reminds me…”

The general pulled out a hand full of chrysanthemum flowers. He bit into one, then passed out the rest. “Eat these.”

“Why?” Tengfei asked.

“An old remedy the Infallible Master taught me years ago,” General Tsang. “It works. Kept me from becoming a heart eater, and it’ll keep you from becoming brain eaters.”

“Brain eaters?” Nianzu asked.

“You wouldn’t think they’d be so tempting,” the General said. “But I’ve seen good men turn into fiends after just one whiff of brain.”

The conversation was interrupted by a loud, guttural, “Arrrrggghhh!”

The quartet looked up to see a large, fiery object streak through the sky. As if that weren’t odd enough, the object was….screaming. As it began its descent towards the Imperial Palace steps, the general realized what had happened.

“What in the…he’s setting his warriors on fire and launching them over the wall!”

“Raargh!” The flaming fighter landed on the steps, then immediately charged at General Tsang. The general didn’t flinch as he lopped off the undead beast’s head with one swift swing of his sword.

Nianzu felt bile gurgle up into his throat as he looked down at the still living head.

“’Join the army,’ you said. ‘It’ll be an adventure,’ you said.”

“Complaints later, cousin,” General Tsang said as he crushed the head under his boot.

The quartet rushed up the steps and into the palace, then made their way to the throne room. There they found Captain Yuen and three of his guards standing at attention.

“Are you daft, man?!” the general shouted. “Do you not hear the commotion outside?”

“The Imperial Guard remains with the Emperor at all times,” the captain replied.

The general lifted a curtain behind the Dragon Throne, then marched down a hallway with his men behind him. Captain Yuen and his men followed.

“Stop!” Captain Yuen said.

“Don’t quibble with me over protocol, Yuen!” General Tsang shouted. “The Emperor’s life is at stake.”

The sound of Captain Yuen drawing his sword brought General Tsang to a halt.

“You joined the pig in his betrayal,” General Tsang said as he turned around.

“No…and yes,” Captain Yuen said.

“It can either be one or the other,” General Tsang replied.

“No, because I took no bribes and I never wanted this to happen,” Captain Yuen said. “Yes, because I knew of Zhen’s treachery and did nothing.  I did not want to oppose the Emperor’s advisor.”

“Redeem yourself now and help me,” the general said. “We’ll talk about the shame your cowardice has brought you later.”

“Don’t you see?” Captain Yuen said. “There’s no stopping Dragonhand. He’s grown too strong. His clan is vast. He’ll have the Emperor’s brain whether we live or die…”

Captain Yuen pointed his sword at Tsang. “…and I choose to live.”

“Damn you, Yuen,” General Tsang said as he pointed his sword at his newfound adversary.

The captain turned to his subordinates. “Join the others. Seal off the palace. If Dragonhand wants in, he will have to negotiate with me.”

The Imperial Guardsmen nodded and dispersed.

Nianzu drew his sword. “We’ll make short work of him, cousin.”

General Tsang kept his eyes locked on the captain. “Four against one isn’t very sporting, cousin. You three find the Emperor.”

“But…”

“If I do not rejoin you, keep him safe.”

“But…”

“That’s an order!” General Tsang barked.

Nianzu nodded, then headed down the hall with Weiyuan and Tengfei.

The general and the captain paced about the hallway as they eyeballed one another.

“Is that your little plan?” General Tsang asked. “Trade the Emperor for your life?”

“I want my life,” Captain Yuen said. “He wants the Emperor. It’s a fair trade.”

“I’ve already seen one fool who thought he could bargain with Dragonhand die today,” General Tsang said. “Reconsider and there won’t have to be another.”

“Sorry, old man,” the captain said. “But it is decided.”

General Tsang sneered at his opponent. “So be it.”

The general and the captain charged at one another, shouting battle cries as their swords clanged.

Tagged ,

Zom Fu – Chapter 42

tabletdemo
Advisor Zhen trembled before Dragonhand. He looked around only to see the snarling faces of the undead gawking at him as though he would make a tasty meal. The fat man bowed.

“Mighty Dragonhand,” Advisor Zhen said. “You have truly complimented your status as an astounding warrior with an army that appears to be as skilled as they are fearsome.”

“Spare me the horse manure and make with the Emperor’s brain, pig man,” Dragonhand replied.

General Tsang’s shout carried down the wall and into the advisor’s ears. “Is everything alright?!”

The advisor looked up at the general and nodded. “Yes! All is well!”

Up above, General Tsang and Nianzu were joined by Tengfei and Weiyuan.

“Is Zhen really that stupid?” Tengfei asked.

“Apparently so,” General Tsang answered.

Down below, Advisor Zhen stretched out his arms and approached Dragonhand.

“Come now, we are both great leaders,” the fat man said as he wrapped his arms around the greatest of all undead warriors. “Let us embrace and find a compromise that avoid hostility.”

“He’s lost his mind,” General Tsang said as he watched the advisor hug Dragonhand.

Advisor Zhen leaned up on his tip toes in order to put his mouth next to Dragonhand’s ear. Upon doing so, the advisor dropped the cordial tone and whispered furiously. “What are you doing here?! You swore to me that before coming to the Forbidden City, you would give me advance notice and riches beyond my wildest dreams.”

Dragonhand yawned, then pushed Advisor Zhen away. “You bore me.”

“You owe me!” Advisor Zhen said.

“For what?” Dragonhand asked.

“For what?” Advisor Zhen asked. “How about for keeping Tsang from coming to the kung fu clans’ aid for all of these years? Do you honestly think you would have been able to grow your clan to such an astounding size if it weren’t for my intervention? Do you really think you would be standing here if it weren’t for me? Tsang advocated for crushing you like a bug in your clan’s infancy and now I wish I had let him, you ungrateful maggot infested corpse.”

On the wall, Weiyuan had a question. “What do you think they are saying?”

“I don’t know,” General Tsang replied. “Probably telling each other how great they are.”

On the ground, Dragonhand grinned sheepishly then opened his arms. “You are right, my old friend. Sometimes I can be so prideful that I fail to recognize those who have done so much for me. Come and let’s talk about how I can make it up to you.”

“That’s more like it,” Advisor Zhen said as he went in for a hug. Dragonhand returned the gesture and patted the fat man on the back.

“Remind me,” Dragonhand said. “What did I promise you?”

“A thousand barrels of gold and your protection for the rest of my days,” Advisor Zhen said.

Dragonhand turned his right hand into a tiger claw and hovered it just beside Advisor Zhen’s right ear. The fat man didn’t even notice.

“Yes, we will have to keep you safe, won’t we?” Dragonhand asked.

“Tsang will demand my head one way or another once he figures out what I’ve done,” Advisor Zhen said.  “You’ll need to order your beasts to take care of me.”

Back on the wall, General Tsang was beginning to figure things out. “This embrace is lasting too long. He’s either grown rather fond of the affections of dead men or he’s selling us all out.”

On the ground, Advisor Zhen continued his demands. “Of course, I must insist on a monthly stipend should you decide to keep me on in my advisory position. I believe I could be of good use to you and…”

Thunk! Dragonhand’s tiger claw entered Advisor Zhen’s skull. The pain was excruciating for the fat man as he choked on his own blood. Dragonhand stopped short of the advisor’s brain in order to deliver some final words.

“Did you honestly think I would ever reward a traitor?” Dragonhand asked.

Advisor Zhen sputtered and spit blood as he spoke. “I…did it…for…you.”

“I’ll always respect a man who would lay down his life to stop me more than a rotund little pipsqueak willing to trade the trust bestowed upon him for gold,” Dragonhand said.

Rip! The zom fu master tore our Advisor Zhen’s brain, chomped on it, then spiked it on the ground. “Blech! I already know all there is to know about backstabbing and duplicity.”

Up above, General Tsang cried a single tear for the chubby little man he so despised, then drew his sword.

“Archers! Fire at will!”

General Tsang turned to Nianzu, Weiyuan and Tengfei.  “You three with me.”

Walking Dead Recap -Season 7, Episode 10 – “New Best Friends”

cropped-cropped-img_1753

Mmm.  Brains.  So delicious.  So yummy.

SPOILER ALERT

The Walking Dead continues.  Rick still seeks recruits to join his battle against the Saviors. Ezekiel says no on behalf of the Kingdom.  What’s his face I don’t remember but that douchey guy says no on behalf of the Hilltop.

However, Rick meets the trash people, a group of schmucks living in a junkyard who are totally weird and say and do weird things.

Is Rick right for taking on the Saviors?  What say you, 3.5 readers?

Tagged , , ,

Happy Birthday Kurt Cobain

Kurt Cobain.  He briefly stepped onto the music scene in the early 1990s, gave us grunge aka alternative rock, the most depressing yet beloved sound of the 90s and then, sadly killed himself.  I mean, I don’t want to say it’s not surprising that the King of Depressing Music killed himself but, yeah, I guess that’s what happened.

Kurt would have been fifty today and no, millennials, he would not have been a baby boomer.  He’d of been on the older side of Generation X.

Sigh.  Generation X.  The forgotten generation.

Put on your flannel shirt and rock out, 3.5 readers.

 

Tagged , , , , ,

Zom Fu – Chapter 41

tabletdemo

General Tsang stood on the wall and observed the vast army of the undead. Their forms were twisted and mangled, in various states of decay. They made way as Dragonhand walked through the crowd, followed by Lickspittle and his zombapault.

“I hate to be the kind of man that says, ‘I told you so,’ Zhen,” the general said.

“Then don’t,” Advisor Zhen replied.

“Pitiful dogs!” General Tsang shouted down to the undead masses. “How dare you approach the walls of the Forbidden City in such a threatening manner?”

Dragonhand looked up at the general. “I am Dragonhand, destroyer of all of the great kung fu clans and lord and master over all that I desire. I have come for the Emperor’s brain.”

The general scoffed. “Begone, vile beast! The Emperor’s brain is his and his alone!”

General Tsang watched as one of Dragonhand’s warriors climbed into the bucket of the zombapault.

“These fools take us for cowards,” General Tsang said. “Cousin Nianzu!”

“Sir?” Nianzu replied.

“Deliver a barrage of arrow fire,” General Tsang commanded. “Show them the penalty for trespassing upon the Emperor’s lands.”

“Right away, sir,” Nianzu said. “Archers, to your stations!”

Over a hundred archers took up positions atop the wall, bows and arrows at the ready.

“Prepare to strike on my command,” General Tsang said. “Aim for their ugly heads for only the piercing of their wretched brains will put these animals out of commission.”

Advisor Zhen stared down at Dragonhand. The brain bite clan’s master looked up at the fat little man and winked.

“Belay that order,” the advisor said.

“Silence, Zhen,” General Tsang said. “I’ll tolerate no more of your stupidity.”

“Belay that order!” the advisor shouted.

The general and the advisor stared each other down.

“On what authority do you belay my order?” General Tsang asked.

“The Emperor’s,” Zhen answered. “I am his right hand.”

“Perhaps you haven’t notice the horde of dead men waiting outside to eat us alive,” General Tsang said.

“Yes,” Advisor Zhen said. “But must you always answer violence with more violence?”

“It’s never failed me yet,” General Tsang said.

“I shall parlay with the man,” Advisor Zhen said.

“That’s no man,” General Tsang said.

“I will talk him out of this,” Advisor Zhen said. “I was gifted with a silver tongue and I can talk anyone into anything.”

General Tsang closed his eyes and thought upon this proposal for a moment, then looked at the fat man.

“Zhen,” General Tsang said. “I have fought villains all of my life. They do not negotiate. They do not feel remorse. They take attempts to bargain with them as a sign of weakness. As much as I have long dreamed of seeing you being ripped apart, I do not want that to happen today, and certainly not by this foe. I beg of you, do not go down there.”

“I’m going down there,” Zhen said

“Damn it,” General Tsang replied.

The general leaned over the wall. “Abomination!”

“Yes?” Dragonhand said.

“The Emperor’s advisor seeks parlay,” the general shouted. “Do I have your word no harm will come to him during the impending negotiations?”

“You have my word,” Dragonhand said.

In a lower tone of voice, General Tsang muttered, “Yeah, that and a gold piece will buy me a night in a whore house.”

The general and the advisor descended a long flight of stone steps until they reached the gate. General Tsang rested his hand on a lever.

“I am completely against this,” General Tsang said.

“I know,” Advisor Zhen said.

“He will kill you and claim your death as a victory, then proceed to lay siege to the city,” General Tsang said.

“It’s a pleasant surprise that you care so much about my wellbeing, Tsang,” the advisor said.

“Funny,” General Tsang said. “It comes a surprise to me too.

The general yanked the lever until the gate rose just enough for Zhen to squeeze under it.

“I will fix this,” Zhen said.

“Yeah,” General Tsang said as he closed the gate. “It’s been nice knowing you, fatty.”

Tagged , ,