The Best Gift You Can Give BQB This Year

Hey 3.5 readers.

Did I mention I’m still a yeti hostage?

I’ve been forgetting to mention that.

The Yeti is still in control of BQB HQ, but that’s not important at the moment.

What’s important is that fact that this exemplary blog is at 1,988 followers.

That means if twelve more people follow me, I’ll be in the big leagues of having 2000 followers.

Even then, I only have 3.5 readers.  A lot of people follow but for some reason, only 3.5 people ever read.

So follow me nerds, as I would love to have 2,000 followers by Christmas.

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Top Ten Gifts You Shouldn’t Buy Your Girlfriend for Christmas

Oh joyous Yuletide.  This is the time of year for couples to take a moment to let each other know how they truly feel about one another.

But men, no matter how loudly your girlfriend may shout her lack of interest in material possessions, if you leave a junky gift under her tree on Christmas Eve, then your tree will be incredibly lonely in the new year.

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From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, it’s the Top Ten Gifts You Shouldn’t Buy Your Girlfriend for Christmas:

#10 – Blender, Mixer, Iron, Washing Machine, Other Household Appliances

Hmm.  A dilly of a pickle here.  If she’s actually expressed an interest in a particular appliance, then go for it but only, ONLY if you also get her something else awesome in addition to said appliance.

EXAMPLE:

YES:

WOMAN:  I love to bake!  Baking is my life!  I wish I had an electric mixer so I could make more cookies!

MAN:  Here’s a mixer…

WOMAN: I hate you!

MAN: And a pair of ridiculously expensive earrings!

WOMAN:  I don’t hate you as much now!

NO:

WOMAN:  I never bake.  What the hell is this mixer for?  Are you trying to imply I should be a subservient kitchen slave, that my only purpose in life is to bake cookies to shove into your hideous, misogynistic caveman suckhole?!

MAN:  Um, it was shiny and on sale?

WOMAN:  Sleep on the floor forever!

Remember, in either case, and especially in the latter case, the household appliance should not be THE ONLY gift.

Come to think of it, even in the case where she REALLY wants that mixer (i.e. cooking/baking is her life and she keeps Rachel Ray on her DVR), you might want to wait until January just in case.  Make it look like you were just being thoughtful and it had nothing to do with Christmas.

Actually, you know what, just get her a bag of diamonds and a pony and a tiara and then if she really wants you to get her a household appliance of any kind, tell her that she’s going to have to submit that request in the form of a signed, notarized in triplicate letter.  Two impartial witnesses of upstanding moral character will also be required to confirm in a video that she asked for a household appliance.

#9 – That Damn Tub of Three Flavored Popcorn

It’s the ultimate gift you get when you get invited to a party held by someone you sort of like, but don’t really.

You know, I’m talking about that guy who you’re like, “Eh I’ve known him a long time so I don’t want to skip his Christmas party but if he gets hit by a bus tomorrow I’m not taking a day off for his funeral.”

Stores put these addictive snack canisters right out front over the holidays because they’re cheap and allow you to say that you cared enough to bring something to the party.

And yes, you did bring something to the party…THE GODDAMN HARBINGER OF THE EBOLA VIRUS!

People love popcorn.  Especially the cheese corn.  Or the caramel corn.  Or maybe you’re a buttery traditionalist.  Either way, by the end of that party, a minimum of five hundred and ninety seven hands are going to be shoved deep inside the bowels of that tub.

Statistically speaking, it will be highly unlikely that any of those hands will be washed, thus that three flavored tub of popcorn with Santa’s face on it will turn into a petri dish filled to the brim with bacteria, germs and contagion.

Bottomline – you don’t want to bring this tub to your worst enemy’s home, let alone your girlfriend’s humble abode.  Also, since those tubs usually don’t cost more than five bucks if that, your babe is going to think you are a big time cheapskate (as soon as she’s done being treated for popcorn induced Ebola virus).

#8 – Gift Cards

Yeah, I get it.  You realized this is all just one big giant mind game, so you flipped over the board, scattered the pieces all over the room and decided not to play anymore.

“Here babe.  I pay just enough attention to know what your favorite stores are but not enough to know what you’d want.”

Essentially, this is borderline treating your gal like a prostitute.  “Here’s a down payment on another year’s worth of nookie.”

I’ll just throw it out there though.  If you are confident that the gift you actually put time and effort into selecting will pass muster, than tossing in a gift card might sweeten the pot enough that she might (I stress might) forgive you if the actual gift you got turns out to be all wrong.

(SPOILER ALERT: Your gift will no doubt be wrong no matter what).

At any rate, like that mixer you got your baker girlfriend, a gift card can’t be the only gift.

#7 – Perfume

This is a real roll of the dice.  If she’s always raving about a fancy perfume, you might get her a bottle…but know how your girlfriend’s mind works (I know, that’s like asking a man to know how the atom is split or how the universe came into being, but give it your best guess).

Imagine yourself giving your girlfriend the perfume.  If you honestly can’t imagine her taking this gift as a sign that you think she stinks like a back alley dumpster, then go ahead and get her that trendy bottle of Eau du Ooo la la.

Otherwise, you might want to just skip out on this one.

#6 – Fitness Equipment

Exercise bikes.  Treadmills.  Weights.  Elliptical machines.  Even if she is a fitness nut and a professional athlete, she’ll beat you within an inch of your life if she comes downstairs to find a gift shaped like a paper wrapped stationary bike under the tree.

Seriously dude.  You might as well just hand her a card that reads, “I think you are a big fatty fat fatty so lose some weight or my magnificent junk and I are taking our business elsewhere, fatty.”

MEN: But BQB, she actually asked me for an exercise bike.  She feels this would help her with her regular fitness routine.  She’s even made a point of printing out information about her top bike choices for my perusal.

And I’ve got a bridge in Brooklyn I’d like to sell you for a song, you big league sucker!

Do not buy your girlfriend fitness equipment, even with a signed, notarized in triplicate request letter, and even if she holds a gun to your head unless you want to be dumped like yesterday’s trash.

MEN: But BQB, if I don’t get her the exercise bike she asked for, she complain about it on Christmas.

“Honey, this diamond encrusted necklace is lovely but you forgot my exercise bike.”

Yes, she might hit you with that, but in that case, just tell her that you are an idiotic dumb ass man and all the various bells and whistles on the bikes were much too confusing so you got her a diamond encrusted necklace instead but you plan to take her to the bike store at her convenience so she can select her favorite one.

Why will you take this approach?  Because you’ll never win with fitness equipment, even with specifically asked for fitness equipment, but you also won’t win by pointing out that she’d be mad about getting fitness equipment because (follow me here) in the moment when she does not get fitness equipment, she doesn’t realize she’d be mad if she got it.  She would only actually get mad if she got it.  Since she didn’t get it, she just assumes you are a buffoon that didn’t listen to her.

You’re not getting out of this without some kind of black mark on your boyfriend record, but trust me, “buffoon” is better than the beating you’ll take after all her girlfriends work her up when they have a cry-in session and burn effigies of you while they take turns cursing your name and your decision to buy her fitness equipment for Christmas.

But if she doesn’t bring it up, you don’t bring it up.  (Just throwing it out there. That’s good advice on literally everything that will ever happen throughout your entire relationship).

#5 – Framed Photos of the Two of You

Adorable and says you really love the idea of the two of you together, but it can’t be the only gift.  If you decide to get this as one of many gifts in order to show you’re a romantic or something, be sure to pick a photo of her that she likes.  She must have said no less than three times that she likes the photo in question before having it printed and framed.

#4 – Electronic Equipment of Any Kind

Women don’t give a shit about giant TVs and HD TVs and HDMI cables and Xboxes and so on.  (Well, my Video Game Rack Fighter does but she’s a rarity).

She will instantly see this for what it is…a gift for you.

Speaking of…

#3 – Gifts That Are Really For You

Yes, it would be awesome to be the proud owner of an ATV or a jet ski or one of those frigging jet packs that you can take to a lake and user water to fly, but if you see yourself using it more than she will, then it is a gift for you and she will see through this.

Lingerie will also be considered a gift for you.  Unless she’s a Cinemax actress (that joke worked better in the 1990s) she probably doesn’t walk around in lingerie all day or think that putting on a skimpy outfit that involves 900 straps and snaps is particularly comfortable and/or a benefit to her wardrobe.

#2 – Animals

Personally, I’ve noticed a lot of women like animals.  Cats.  Dogs.  I’ve met a lot of women who are really into enormous, two-hundred pound dogs and whenever I meet such women I want to dress up like Dr. Freud and sit them down on my couch and get them to admit that they are really into enormous dogs because they see gigantic dogs as obedient men they can love and punish at will and on their own timetable.

Hmm.  That theory actually deserves a post on its own.  At any rate, don’t get your woman a pet.

First, maybe she doesn’t like pets.  If you give a person who doesn’t like pets a pet, they’re going to think, “Well, why don’t you just take a giant dump on every square inch of my home and save me the trouble.”

I mean, if she really, really, really wants a pet then you could get her a pet but again, you’re going to need the notarized request letter.  Otherwise, when the pet inevitably turns out to be a crazed, psychopathic furniture humping rug pooping nightmare beast, she will go on and on about “your brilliant idea” to buy a pet and all those times when she made googly eyes at that proverbial puppy in the window will be long forgotten.

In either case, whether she’s a pet lover or a pet hater, whether the pet was her idea or yours, you will be the asshole walking that furry little pooping machine at 3 a.m. in the middle of a rain storm so…just keep that shit in mind before you get that pet.

#1 – Jewelry, Flowers, or Anything, Really

You’d think jewelry or anything traditionally girly would be a safe bet but even this will most likely be frowned upon.  It might be your safest bet, but she’ll just view you as lacking imagination.

Come to think of it, that brings me to…

BONUS SECTION: THERE IS NO WAY YOU CAN WIN

Yup.  There’s no way to win here.

Men are simple, logical creatures.  Want to make us happy?  Bake us a cookie and touch our disgusting nether regions once in a blue moon and we’ll be happy.

Sure, some of us like to rant and rave about how if only our current girlfriends weren’t holding us back, we could be with women who would bake us cookies and touch our disgusting nether regions 24/7 but literally only ten men in the entire world are handsome and/or wealthy and/or intelligent enough to actually make that shit happen in real life.

The rest of us have just given in to the grim reality that if we take enough abuse for long enough, our women might let us get a pity boob honk in once per presidential administration.

THE AVERAGE MALE EXPERIENCE:

1996: Bill Clinton – “I feel your pain.”

HUSBAND: Can we uh…

WIFE: (ROLLS EYES): Ugh, I guess so.

2000 – George W. Bush – “Strategery!”

HUSBAND: Think it might be time to uh…

WIFE: Ugh, just get it over with.

2004: George W. Bush – “Mission Accomplished!”

HUSBAND: Babe, isn’t it time to…

WIFE: Yeah, yeah just keep the light on so I can read my book.

2008: Barack Obama – “Hope and Change.”

HUSBAND: I hope to change that uh…

WIFE: Yeah, whatever.

2012: Barack Obama – “Look, here’s the deal.”

HUSBAND:  Look, here’s my…

WIFE: Ugh!

2016: Donald J. Trump – “Grab her by the…”

HUSBAND: What say I grab that…

WIFE: You’ve grabbed enough for twenty years, pervert!

At any rate, women are mysterious.  They have no idea what they want but they feel you should.  You can’t get them nothing.  You have to get them something.

But just keep in mind that whatever you get will be wrong.

Get her a house?  The shutters are the wrong color.

Get her a car?  She wanted a different one.

Get her an island?  She wanted an archipelago.

Damn women and their love of archipelagoes.

The point is that if you at least avoid the obvious pitfalls like fitness equipment, kitchen equipment and tubs of popcorn, then you have a small (very small) chance of preventing Christmas from turning into World War III.

Just do what I do every year.  I just lie down under the tree and curl myself up into the fetal position and when Video Game Rack Fighter comes downstairs, I throw my wallet at her and shout, “Please! Please! Just get yourself something and free my mind from this virtual hell!”

It totally works…to an extent.  Like I said, perfection is impossible and therefore should not be your goal.  Just try to do as little damage to your ability to get your disgusting nether regions touched once every four years.

Four more years!  Four more years!  Four more years!

3.5 readers, do you have any ideas on what to get a woman for Christmas?  Discuss in the comments.

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Movie Review – Casablanca (1942)

Here’s looking at you, 3.5 readers.

I watched Casablanca a year ago with the intention of reviewing it for this glorious blog.  I’d seen it before but my mind needed a refresher.  Alas, as Rick and Ilsa’s song reminds us, “time goes by” and writing a review of this masterpiece slipped my mind.

Luckily, seeing Allied gave me a refresher.

So without further ado, BQB here with a review of Casablanca.

Do I need to give a spoiler warning?  You’ve had over seventy years to watch this flick.

And if you haven’t watched it yet, you should, because it holds up.

(In all seriousness, this is a review for people who have seen and loved the film.  If you haven’t seen it yet, stop reading, go watch it, then come back here.  Otherwise, you’ll be disappointed).

The set-up?  At one time, Morocco had been (owned, occupied, colonized, swiped, insert the word here) by France.  When Nazi forces swept into France in World War II, Frenchmen had to choose between surrender and fighting through underground guerrilla warfare (the French resistance).

Those who chose the former became known as the Vichy government.  Nazis officials flooded into France and backseat drove the French officials who opted not to fight.

To make matters more complicated, the situation extended into Morocco, where Nazis backseat drove the Vichy French officials there, sort of a double-occupation where French occupiers were being bossed around by their own German occupiers.

What a revolting development.

As explained in the film early on, Morocco was a den of thieves, villains, cut throats and spies.  Moreover, Europeans made a pilgrimage to the African city in the hopes of escaping the war by securing passage to Portugal (and then to other less dangerous places in the world like America).

Against this backdrop of sin and inequity, the hard drinking, clinically cynical American expatriate Rick Blaine (Humphrey Bogart) runs a nightclub filled with all manner of depravity.  Rick’s got a seedy past that isn’t fully explained but you’re left with the impression that he isn’t exactly welcome in the States anymore.

When Ilsa (Ingrid Bergman) left him waiting at a train station in France years earlier, Rick’s heart turned to stone and he swore from then on he’d live a life where he’d only look out for number one – i.e. himself.

But that resolution is tested when Ilsa enter’s Rick’s club.  “Of all the gin joints in all the world, why did she have to walk into mine?”

Without giving away too much of the story, Ilsa is now with Victor Laszlo (Paul Henried), a famed leader of the anti-Nazi movement.  Whereas Rick has long given up on idealism for quick bucks, Laszlo leaves and breathes French patriotism and is willing to die for it.

Blah, blah, blah, stuff happens and ultimately Rick must choose between seizing a love he thought was lost to him forever or sacrificing himself for the greater good of defeating the Nazis.

SPOILER ALERT – he chooses defeating the Nazis.  Surely, you knew this by now unless you have been living under a rock for years.

Even though you already know it, it is very emotional to watch.

In the end, the greater good wins out over love and it is up to the audience to decide whether or not that was the right outcome.

If you are an idealist, then you cheer Rick on as he allows Victor to take his seat on a Portugal bound plane.

If you are a cynic, then you think Rick is a schmuck for not grabbing his woman and not letting go, as a woman you love who loves you back is a rarity in this life.

But ultimately, if you are an idealist, you realize the people who need to be together, end up together.

Laszlo and Ilsa, we can only assume, go on to continue their anti-Nazi fight once Victor is away from the clutches of the villainous Major Strasser (Conrad Veidt).

As for Rick, his “beautiful friendship” with Captain Louis Renault (Claude Raines) begins.

Raines steals the show as Renault as he puts on full display the difficult situation many Frenchmen found themselves in during this time.  Louis is no fan of the Nazis, but he is a fan of breathing and having a job so like a henpecked husband he caters to his German masters, but does so in a comic manner.

Rick and Louis are foils that feed off one another.  Rick’s cynicism is dark and brooding whereas Louis’ cynicism is, at times, downright funny.  Louis realizes he is stuck in a ridiculous situation but with a deadpan tone that belies an undercurrent of sarcasm, he does what is required of him.

Example – when the Nazis order Louis to shut down Rick’s joint, Louis does so and declares, “I am shocked to find gambling in this establishment!”

Then with perfect comedic timing, a dealer hands Louis a stack of cash and says, “Your winnings, sir” to which Louis replies, “Thank you.”

That scene has served as a criticism of politicians and public officials who act “shocked” by lousy situations when in reality, they have long known of them.

Thus, the greater good wins.  Rick and Ilsa would have been happier together, but the world needed Victor and Ilsa to continue their resistance efforts, just as the world needed Rick and Louis, a couple of jaded, cynical connivers to get together and use their underhanded skills to undermine the Nazis at every turn.

STATUS: Shelf-worthy. Get out of your comfort zone and watch a black and white movie.  You’ll be glad you did.

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Movie Review – Allied (2016)

You must remember this, a yeti I did kiss…but it was against my will!

But I won’t bore you with the behind the scenes hullabaloo of being a Yeti hostage.

France!  Morocco!  Ooo la la!  BQB here with a review of Hollywood’s first Oscar bait movie of the season, Allied.

OBLIGATORY SPOILER WARNING.

In early 1940s French Morocco, Canadian spy Max Vatan (Brad Pitt) meets French lady spy Marianne Beauséjour (Marion Cotillard).  The duo become immersed in a whirlwind romance as they hunt Nazis together and bone in a gratuitous manner.

Alas, when they marry and head off to England, Max’s superiors begin to suspect Marianne of pulling double-duty as a spy for the Nazis.  Thus, Max is charged with the unenviable task of sniffing out the truth.

Fans of the Golden Age of Hollywood will be very impressed with this film.  With the French Morocco scenes, its almost as if we are treated to a visit to the Casablanca of Bogart’s time, except in this go-around we get to see it in full color, high definition and with more special effects, flying bullets and assorted war mayhem.

Yes, there is room for an argument that Casablanca was all the better off for not having all the bells and whistles of a modern film as such trivialities might have spoiled that classic.  And certainly this movie does not surpass the Bogie/Bergman picture that most movie critics agree is one of (if not the best) films ever produced, but it did make me yearn for a time when a man would wear a suit and a fedora just to get a cup of coffee.

Brad Pitt is every bit a classic style movie star in a time when thought provoking films are being more and more replaced with flicks revolving around costumed super heroes (not that I’m complaining as I love those films as well but I wonder why there isn’t room for both.)

Moreover, Pitt is truly one of the best preserved fifty-something year olds I have ever seen.

Meanwhile if Pitt is Bogie, then the Bergman of this film is Cotillard.  After years of being the go-to French actress in films that call for a French character, she has been rewarded handsomely with this role.

Overall, the film is visually pleasing with a plot that keeps you munching popcorn.  It will face some stiff competition come Oscar time, but gold statues (or at least nominations) for Pitt, Cotillard and Director Robert Zemeckis would not surprise me.

STATUS: Play it again, Sam.  Shelf-worthy and worth a trip to the theater.  Good date film. Dudes, take your lady because it is so emotional that you might get a little smooch-a-roo-ski out of this.

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Would a Zombie Apocalypse Really Be That Bad?

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Hey 3.5 readers.

Blasphemy for a zombie nerd to say this, but sometimes I wonder if a zombie apocalypse would be as bad as they are portrayed on television.

Don’t get me wrong.  A zompoc would be awful.  However, I feel like the government has all kinds of contingency plans on what to do if America is invaded and what with police and army and everything I feel like the zombies could be fended off.

Sure, it would be a disaster.  Many would die, have their brains eaten and end up undead.  I’m just not convinced that people would instantly drop everything when the first zombie wave hits.

Yes, our public officials, politicians and so on make us worry sometimes but I think they would stick around to coordinate things and I don’t think the army, police, first responders etc would give up without a fight.

Then again. I could be wrong.  Everyone might see a zombie and crap themselves.

Even if the world were to descend into an apocalyptic state, I feel like there is a lot of knowledge in people’s brains, such that rebuilding might not be as difficult as imagined.  Surely there would be more to life than just wandering from town to town to see which abandoned stores still have old boxes of candy and twinkles to feast on.

Hell, the Ancient Romans built some impressive buildings and did great things with very little compared to what we have today.  You, the average reader, could take the knowledge in your modern brain and go back to ancient times and live like a King.

Or could you?  I suppose you’d have to have the skills needed to take the knowledge in your brain and make it happen in real life.

I don’t know.  I could be wrong.  Maybe without the whole system in place now we’d all just end up acting like a bunch of dummies and be screwed.

Maybe I have too much faith in people.  Then again.  Maybe I don’t.  I hope we never find out what a zombie apocalypse would be like in real life as there would be way too many zombies.

FYI the Yeti just reminded me that I did live through a zombie apocalypse that was better known at the time as the East Randomtown Zombie Apocalypse, the terrible ordeal in which #31ZombieAuthors assisted me and gave me the advice I needed to pull myself out of a jam.

I’m sorry.  I’m very forgetful when I’m under Yeti control.  So yes, to answer my question, people are stupid and a zombie apocalypse would be awful as the zombies would eat everyone and then everyone not eaten would do stupid things.

Ergo, this post was pointless.  My bad.

But tell me what you think anyway, 3.5

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Is it Better to Have Loved and Lost?

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Hey 3.5 readers.

A real noodle scratcher for you.

Do you think that it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all?

Allow me to submit the rare counterargument to this tired old cliche:

No.

I know.  You’re all like, “But BQB you can remember the good times!”

Yeah, but our human minds and spirits are weak and we inevitably question ourselves over and over again on what we could have done differently in order to have not lost our love.

That’s torture the psyche just doesn’t need.  Thus, all those late nights spent wondering what you could have done to have made your ex happy aren’t worth all of those memories of holding hands and going on long walks on the beach with your ex.  If anything, those memories make you feel worse.

Ergo, I posit to you 3.5 readers that…

it is better to have never loved than to have loved and lost.

Argh!  Oh no!  BQB went against the grain!

Yup.  That’s me.  Fight the power, baby.

What say you, 3.5?

(Special thanks to the Yeti for letting me out of my cage long enough to write this).

 

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Top Ten Christmas Movies

Ho ho ho 3.5 readers.

Jingle bells, the Yeti smells, BQB is still in captivity.

But that’s ok because I have my ways of getting around the Yeti.

Did you know you can help rid BQB HQ of Yeti rule by following me on Twitter – @bookshelfbattle ?

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In the meantime, from BQB HQ, here are the Top Ten Christmas Movies, in no particular order:

10.  Scrooged (1988) – A Christmas Carol has been remade, rebooted, and parodied a ridiculous amount of times.  It makes sense because it follows a classic formula for teaching a main character the error of his ways.  For me, the best and funniest retelling was this Bill Murray comedy from the late 1980s.  Entertainment executive Cross follows in Scrooge’s footsteps by chasing money and working his way to the top of a TV network, only to realize he missed out on the love of his life Claire (Karen Allen) and not taking care of the people who have helped him along the way like Bobcat Goldthwait’s take on Bob Cratchit in the form of Eliot Loudermilk.

9.  Home Alone (1990) – Truly the most heartwarming film about child neglect, Kevin McCallister (Macaulay Culkin) left behind by his large family on Christmas and must defend the family homestead from robbers Daniel Stern and Joe Pesci.  Ironically, the sequel stars the 45th President of the United States.

8.  A Christmas Story (1983) – Author Jean Shepherd’s recollections of his youth come to life as Ralphie (Peter Billingsley) hounds his family into buying him a Red Ryder BB gun, despite their fears that he’ll shoot his eye out.  Hollywood embarrassed itself terribly by making a sequel you shouldn’t bother with.

7.  Bad Santa (2003) – Ever wonder if that person in the department store mall Santa outfit is a reputable character?  Billy Bob Thornton answers a resounding “no.”  RIP John Ritter and Bernie Mac.

6.  The Muppet Christmas Carol (1992) – If Scrooged is the best version of the Dickens classic, then this is the second best.  Michael Caine as Scrooge.  Kermit as Cratchit.  It’s all good.

5.  Gremlins (1984) – You forgot this takes place at Christmas, didn’t you?  Zach Galligan and Phoebe Cates end up battling little green men over the holidays when a wise Chinese shopkeepers mugwai care instructions are ignored.  Never feed a gremlin after midnight.  (Isn’t it always after midnight somewhere?  Like what is the feeding window?  Isn’t 1 p.m. still after the previous day’s midnight?)  Check it out for Phoebe’s monologue about her Dad dressing up as Santa Claus and then getting trapped in the chimney and dying, thus ruining her yuletide spirit forever.  I have yet to figure out if this speech is supposed to be straight up serious or darkly comedic.  Maybe a little of both.  Gizmo…caca!

4.  The Polar Express (2004) – Breathtaking animation.  Tom Hanks animated as multiple characters.

3.  Prancer (1989) – A girl takes in a reindeer as her pet, only to discover…dun dun dun…that it belongs to Santa!  #mindblown

#2 – Die Hard (1988) – I don’t care what anyone says, this is a Christmas movie.  Truly the best underdog action hero story about a man who tries to make amends with his estranged wife by attending her office Christmas party only to end up having to save the day from German terrorists.  Yippy ki yay.

#1 – Christmas Vacation (1989) – This one is number one for a reason.  It really is the best Christmas movie ever made.  Others come and go.  I might watch them or I might not but every year I watch Die Hard and Christmas Vacation.  Shitter was full!

Did I miss your favorite Christmas movie, 3.5 readers?  Tell me about it in the comments.

 

 

 

 

 

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Five More Boring Things to Do from the Yeti

By: The Yeti, International War Criminal/Super Boring Fuzzy Snow Monster

Hello overstimulated 3.5 readers.

The Yeti here, back with some more boring things for you to do.

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#1 – Eat a Bag of Rice Cakes

Literally, like consuming styrofoam.  What is the point? You can eat a bag of them and it is like 10 calories or something.  Rice cakes are like methadone for a recovering fat person.  Very boring.

#2 – Wait in a Line

Doesn’t matter what it is for.  Just pick a line and wait.

#3 – Do a Crossword Puzzle

“Oh look at me!  I’m Mr. Genius Newspaper Crossword Puzzle Creator!  Blah, blah, blah I’m so smart because I lined up a word going across with another word going down based on a single letter that both words have in common.  Someone give me a trophy, blah, blah, blah.”

Boring!

#4- Share a Dumbass Face Book Meme

“Oh, look at me again!  Here is my stupid post with a copyright infringing yellow minion and it says some bullshit like, ‘I wonder if I share a hug how many people would hug me back?  I bet I don’t get one hug!'”

Good!  Call a bookie and place that bet because that is some winning action, you incredibly boring assface!

#5 – Get Into a Political Argument with a Facebook Friend

“Blah, blah, blah.  I work at the gas station and I think Trump is the best.  Oh yeah? Well, blah, blah, blah, I work at a drive-thru burger joint and I think Hillary was outta sight.  Oh yeah?  Well, I live on a commune and I’m all about Bernie.  Yes, let us all blah, blah, blah our unwavering political opinions at each other all night despite our lack of qualifications and credentials, blah, blah, blah.”

Boredom forever!

Tired of a Yeti controlled Bookshelf Battle Blog?  Kick the Yeti’s furry butt out of BQB HQ by following BQB on Twitter – @bookshelfbattle

 

 

 

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Have a Happy Day, 3.5 Readers

I got nothing for you today, 3.5.  Alas, I’m still a captive of the Yeti.  Follow me on Twitter @bookshelfbattle to rid this blog of tyrannical Yeti rule.

Yetis are the worst and they are so ridiculously boring.

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Movie Review – Bad Santa 2 (2016)

Ho ho holy moly.  I can’t believe they made another one.

BQB here with a review of Bad Santa 2.

OBLIGATORY SPOILER WARNING.

The year was 2003.  George W. Bush was in the White House, the clubs were playing Fifty Cent’s In Da Club on a continuous loop (which frankly, they should still be doing even today) and a little Christmas comedy movie called Bad Santa turned out to be unexpectedly hysterical.

So naturally, in this age where Hollywood hasn’t had a new idea in awhile, they had to take another dip in the Bad Santa well.

Billy Bob Thornton reprises his role as Willie Stokes aka the worst Santa ever.  His diminutive friend/elf Marcus (Tony Cox) is out on parole after double crossing Willie in the original film, but now he’s back and recruits Willie to go on a new Christmas heist.

Even worse, Willie’s foul mouthed degenerate mother Sunny/Mrs. Claus (Kathy Bates) joins in on the action.

On top of all that, Thurman Merman (Brett Kelly) aka the dumb little kid who befriends Willie in the first film is back and dumber than ever.  He’s all grown up and totally an adult now.

Seeing as how I remember seeing this movie like it was yesterday,  I’m not sure which makes me sadder, that Thurman is an adult or that John Ritter and Bernie Mac, who both had big parts in the original, have since, and to my great dismay, shuffled off this mortal coil.

Time, you son of a bitch.

Back to the review, Christina Hendricks and her enormous boobs replace Lauren Graham of Gilmore Girls fame as Willie’s love interest this go around.

I have to be honest, while Christina’s enormous boobs are truly a spectacle to behold as well as a pair of national treasures, I really do believe she deserves a feature film role that isn’t about her enormous boobs.  Sadly, this isn’t it, though she does make the film worth watching.

The movie has its funny parts as well as a lot of scenes where it is clear the actors are just being called upon to be as gross and disgusting as possible.  As often happens in comedy sequels, the jokes that floored us the first time are repeated and though we’ve come to expect that, they just don’t have the same luster that they did before.

Where the crap did thirteen years go?  Holy shit.  Someone get in a damn time machine and pull me out of the Bad Santa 1 movie theater and explain the series of mistakes I need to avoid in order to not end up as the proprietor of a blog with 3.5 readers in 2016.

Just kidding 3.5 readers.  You know I love you and your seven eyes.

STATUS: Shelf-worthy, but partly because it makes me nostalgic for the original and partly because of Christina Hendricks (I should be clear and say that her boobs do not appear on screen.  Sorry. I know. Spoiler.)  Otherwise, I could take or leave this movie.  If you’re looking for adult themed holiday laughs, this is your movie.  If not, you can wait and rent it next year.

FYI I karate chopped the Yeti in the face just to go see this movie and review it for you, 3.5. You’re welcome.

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