Manufactured controversies designed to increase traffic to this fine blog:
#1 – Bunnies eat salad. Ergo, if you eat bunnies, it’s like you are eating salad. A cup of bunny stew a day keeps the doctor away. The logic here is unassailable.
#2 – Everyone who disagrees with me should be loaded into a rocket and shot into outer space.
#3 – Every person in the entire world should be issued one nuclear warhead. No one will ever be mean to anyone out of fear that the person who is treated poorly will detonate his or her warhead. Thus, everyone will be nice and a new day of kindness will envelope the world.
#4 – Everyone who is ugly should be put on one island. Everyone good looking on another. Everyone will then be happy. All the ugly people won’t be hassled by the uggos and all the uggos will accept their ugly status and not burden themselves with crazy thoughts like, “But I could improve myself and get someone hot!” No, you won’t. You’re ugly.
#5 – Children’s lemonade states should be inspected for all required permits. I’m tired of pint sized scofflaws circumventing the system.
#6 – “Ninja Certification” should be offered as a valid career path and/or major at every reputable university.
#7 – The “Star Wars” series should end with the smash revelation that Chewbacca is now the Emperor of the Galaxy and that he was just a reincarnated version of uber flamboyant 1960s piano play Liberace with faux fur glued to him the entire time. After this revelation, no more “Star Wars” movies should be made.
#8 – Military units should be dispatched to track the end of any and all rainbows. Any leprechauns found should be captured and brought in for questioning. All pots of gold should be confiscated and the proceeds put towards bringing down the national deficit.
#9 – Flavor Flav should be named Secretary General of the United Nations. Vanilla Ice should be pope. From now on, all important world leader positions should be filled by 1990s rappers.
#10 – Prior to marriage, all prospective couples should be required to submit one nude photo of the other, preferably in a hilarious yet embarrassing position, possibly involving funny hats, balloons, and clown makeup, to an impartial arbitrator. When the prospect of divorce is raised, both parties will be given 24 hours to submit to a reasonable settlement. Otherwise, the photos will be blasted on social media. If they submit within the time limit, the photos will be destroyed.