By: Dr. Hugo Von Science, Esteemed Professor of Science at the Advance Science Institute of Science University
Guten Tag, Herr 3.5 Readers!
Dr. Hugo Von Science here mit mein column, “You Can’t Argue With Science.”
It really is futile, mein leipshin. Go on. Argue with a petri dish and see where it gets you. Nowhere, that’s where.
Perhaps you remember me from one of mein amazing inventions:
- The Duck Cannon – The most powerful firearm available for the purpose of launching water foul into orbit (or at your opponents). Not to be confused with:
- The “Duck! Cannon!” – A special monitor you can wear that will shout a warning for you to take cover whenever a cannon of any kind is fired at you. Also not to be confused with:
- The “Duck! Duck Cannon!” – Similar to the second invention, but it only warns you when the first invention is fired at you. Really mein leipshin, if you want a money saving tip, just buy the second one as it warns of all types of cannon fire, water foul or otherwise.
Undt last but not least:
- Das Zombiefier – Provide me with all the gold bullion in the world or I shall unleash an army of the undead on the masses and…woopsie! Mein bad, this one is classified.
Anyhoo, perhaps you’ve heard there is an extra second this year.
“Why is there an extra second, Dr. Hugo?”
Oh thank you, mein herrs undt frauleins, I thought you’d never ask.
I’ll try to dumb it down for you because I understand that not everyone is lucky enough to have the brain power necessary to be a distinguished professor at the Advanced Science Institute of Science University.
Let me break it down for you:
- The Earth. Perhaps you’ve heard of it? It is the big marble you live on. Please try to keep up.
- There are approximately 86,400 seconds in a day.
- One day = the time it takes the Earth to complete a rotation.
- The Earth’s rotation is what allows day and night to occur. Generally speaking, for part of the day, wherever you are is being exposed to the sun, and for the other part, your corner of the world is away from the sun and in the dark. (There are certain areas where more dark or more light occurs than usual.)
- Sometimes the Earth gets a little sluggish and takes a little longer to rotate, thus requiring an extra second.
- Sluggishness occurs for a variety of reasons, but mostly because some of your, not naming any names, need to cut back on the extra helpings of strudel (I’m looking at you 1.5th reader).
More importantly, you might be asking:
Dr. Hugo, what can I do with my extra leap second?
Frankly, mein leipshin, there’s literally only one meaningful thing you can do in a second, and that’s reblog, retweet, or otherwise share a link to one of your favorite posts on the blog of mein former student, the illustrious Bookshelf Q. Battler.
Why waste that extra second on foolish things like waxing your toenail clipping collection when you can help BQB achieve worldwide fame and fortune?
America, your extra leap second will come tonight (Tuesday) at 8 p.m. so go on, use that teensy weensy insignificant morsel of time to help make a nerd’s dream come true.
Be honest. You were just going to use it to post a picture of what you ate for dinner on Das Fazenbookzen anyway.
Nobody cares what you ate, Herr 3.5. Nobody cares.
Dr. Hugo Von Science is a Distinguished Professor of Science at the Advanced Science Institute of Science University. He has patented over a bazillion inventions and may or may not be attempting to conquer the world in his spare time. His column, “You Can’t Argue with Science” is a recurring feature on the Bookshelf Battle Blog.
Mad scientist photo courtesy of shutterstock.com