Tag Archives: book bloggers

Top Ten Reasons Why You Should Visit BookshelfBattle.com

Ahh, bookshelfbattle.com – it’s my virtual space, my online hangout, my digital stomping grounds.

If you’re reading this, you’ve already visited.  Congratulations.  You’ve shown excellent judgment and are no doubt a person of great wisdom and fantastic, upstanding moral character.

If you’re not reading this then…well, that’s messed up because if you’re not reading this then how could you be reading this?  #MindBlown

From BQB HQ in East Randomtown, USA, where all the BQB blog magic happens, its the Top Ten Reasons Why You Should Visit BookshelfBattle.com

#10 – You’re already here, so if you leave, it’s kind of rude.

Stick around awhile.  Take off your coat.  Have a drink.  Eat a cookie.  Click on a hundred links on this blog while you’re at it.

#9 – It Will Keep You Off Crack

Do I have any medical or scientific studies to prove the claim that visiting this fine website prevents people from taking crack?  No.

Are you taking crack while you’re reading this?  (Consults my Magic 8 ball.)  “All signs point to ‘No.'”

Therefore, whenever you read this website and don’t take crack while you are reading it…you’re welcome.

#8 – You Can Laugh

Or, learn what doesn’t make people laugh.  I mean, I think it’s all funny but I admit, I could just be stuck in my own personal bubble, oblivious to the opinions, thoughts and feelings of others.

It’s a good way to be, come to think of it.  Who has time to deal with the opinions, thoughts and feelings of others, especially when mine are the best and really, all that matters?

#7 – You Might Learn Something

Occasionally, this blog gets quasi-educational.  You might learn something but note the key word – “might.”

#6 – You’ll Be One of the First Few Humans to Make Contact with an Outer Space Alien

Alien Jones his no joke.  He’s from space.  Want to make all those losers who made fun of you in high school jealous?  Being one of the first few people to comment on an alien’s column is a good way to start.

#5 – Fart jokes.

So many fart jokes.

#4 – Nerds Welcome

No one can give you a wet willy, a wedgie, or a purple nurple here…because, you know, it’s a blog in an intangible written form.

#3 – BQB Will Think You’re Awesome

I really will.

#2 – You’ll Help BQB Save the World from the Mighty Potentate

The more clicks I get, the more likely the Potent One will get off of Earth’s back.

#1 – You Can Be One of BQB’s 3.5 Readers!

Truly, the most exclusive club out there.  Do you know of any other clubs with only 3.5 participants?

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Toilet Gator Feedback

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Hey 3.5 readers.

Stats indicate a lot of you have been checking out the most recent Toilet Gator chapters lately.  Cool.  If you have five minutes, I hope you’ll drop me a comment and tell me what you like and don’t like about it.  I’d love to hear the criticism, positive or negative.

Also, if you’d like to read it from the beginning, you can check it out over on Wattpad.  

If you’re not a Wattpadder, no worries.  You can still read it on this fine site.  You’ll just have to click where it says “Toilet Gator” in the left hand corner of this post (by the title) and then do a lot of scrolling to the beginning.

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BQB’s Big Book of Badass Writing Prompts Coming Soon!

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Hey 3.5 readers.

Your old pal, BQB here.

I don’t have an exact date yet but the finishing touches are being put on the epic book, Bookshelf Q. Battler’s Big Book of Badass Writing Prompts.

Can you feel the excitement in the air?  I can.  And I think it’s actual excitement and not just bad gas.

I’m thinking early June.  I’m not in a rush but assuming all goes well, I don’t see why it would have to be later than June.

So…it’s going to happen.  Huzzah!

It’ll be out on Amazon and you know, 3.5 readers, I don’t ask you for much but I’d love it if you could buy a copy and help fund my lifelong dream of buying a mansion in Malibu and filling the giant attached pool with beautiful women with loose morals.

Wait!  Did I say I wanted to buy a mansion and fill a pool with women with loose morals?  That was clearly a typo.  Silly me.  I meant to say I want to achieve my lifelong dream of being a writer and spread my love of the written word with the masses.

OK.  It’s a little bit about filling a mansion pool with loose women.

Fine.  I’ll be honest.  It’s 5% spreading my love of the written word and 95% filling a Malibu mansion pool with women with loose morals.

At any rate, that pool isn’t going to be filled with women overnight.  The way I figure it, there’s 3.5 of you, so the way I figure it, if I charge $2.99 per book, and if all 3.5 of you buy one, then I have a cool $10.47 coming my way.

Huzzah!  Sunday night special at the Sizzler here I come!  Or maybe just an order of mozzarella sticks and a diet coke with free refills at Applebee’s.

Wait.  Jeff Bezos gets a cut to fund his army of delivery drones that will eventually be used to conquer the world?

Fine.  Cut out the cheese sticks.  It’s just a diet coke for me but hey, free refills!  Nice.  Gotta have dreams, 3.5.  Gotta dream big.  It’s important.

3.5 READERS: But BQB, we’re broke!  We can’t afford $2.99 for your fabulous book!  We just think you should entertain us forever for nothing!

I understand, 3.5.  The economy has sucked boku butt since 2008 and is only now just starting to show signs of coming back around.  But you’ve been forced to scrimp and save and pinch your pennies.  Maybe you lost your dough in the stock market.  Maybe you lost the job.  Maybe you lost your dream and now you’re cleaning bus station toilets.

I get it.  $2.99 doesn’t grow on trees, even if it is for an awesome book by one of the greatest and most humble writers of all time.

That’s fine.  Here’s some shit that you, my 3.5 readers, can do to help me, BQB, achieve my dream of spending 5% of my time spreading my love of the written word to the masses and 95% of my time in a Malibu pool filled with women of ill repute.

You know what?  Let’s make it a top five list:

#1 – Tweet a link to my book.  Or, share a link to my book on Facebook or your preferred time wasting social media site.

#2 – Write a blog post about my book.  Want to write a review?  I could spare a free copy.  I’ll just have to fill my pool with less morally challenged women.  Or better yet, it is a book full of writing prompts.  Take the challenge and write a little something based on one of my prompts and post it, making sure you tell everyone where you got this fabulous prompt.

#3 –  Tell a friend about my book.

#4 – I shouldn’t assume you have a friend.  Lord knows I don’t have any.  Make a friend, then tell that friend about my book.  It will be a good excuse for you to make a friend.

#5 – Pray for high book sales.  I hate to bother God because he’s got a back log of prayers, many of which are more important than my book sales, but you know, if you don’t get in the cue somewhere then you never get served.   Drop a prayer, mark it low priority and the man upstairs will get to it eventually.

In conclusion, 3.5 readers, I know you all have lives but you know, we all have to prioritize.  Are your jobs and livelihoods and family commitments and so forth more important than helping me promote my love of the written word but more importantly, helping me sell books so I can raise the funds necessary to fill a Malibu pool with morally bankrupt women?

I think not.

In seriousness, thank you for all you do, 3.5.  I’ll let you know when the book is up.

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Vote For BQB’s Book Cover

Come on 3.5 readers, your favorite nerd needs you.

Check out the designs proposed for my upcoming book on 99Designs.

You don’t need to vote over there if you don’t want to. I just need you to let me know what you think about the covers and which one you choose and why in the comments on my fine blog here.

I’m facing a real Sophie’s Choice here, 3.5 readers. I literally feel like how Sophie must have felt when the Nazis demanded that she choose between her children.

I mean, OK, maybe it isn’t that bad, but still.

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Hitler Freaks Out After Hearing BQB Only Has 3.5 Readers

Hey 3.5 Readers.

A highly classified  video has made its way to BQB HQ.

It’s so top secret I was going to share it, but then I remembered only 3.5 people read this blog.

Apparently I have a critic in Germany:

NOTE: Hitler needs to redo this video. Joseph Heller wrote Catch-22. Not James Heller. Stupid Hitler.

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Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be a Young Adult Novel Heroine

 

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Tessa Fireswarm – YA Novel Protagonist/Attempts to Destroy BQB’s Magic Bookshelf Often

If you’ve been one of BQB’s 3.5 readers from the very beginning (my condolences to you for that is precious time out of your life that you will never get back) then you’re aware one of the characters living on BQB’s magic bookshelf is none other than a tiny version of Tessa Fireswarm, protagonist of the Arrowblast series.

What?  Up your nose with a rubber hose, Suzanne Collins.  Tessa is a true original.

Wait.  This just in.  Attorney Donnelly informs me that Tessa is a parody.  Whatever.  Just no one sue me please.

Anyway, when Tessa isn’t busy attempting to blow up the other characters living on BQB’s magic bookshelf in an ongoing war for shelf space, she occasionally advises BQB on the Young Adult genre.

Here now, with Tessa’s help, are the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be a Young Adult Novel Heroine:

10.  She can never decide between you and some other dude because you’re both so perfect and dreamy.  Fear not because eventually one of you will do something douchey to make her decision a cinch.

9.  Always wears black but oddly is not a goth.

8.  Has never served in the military, engaged in combat, or even fired a gun before.  Miraculously, still capable of overthrowing a cruel dictatorial regime set against the backdrop of a futuristic dystopia.

7.  Politicians, generals and other heads of state are always interrupting your dates to consult her about every little thing.  Talk about rude.

6.  Her family has bought the farm courtesy of the evil dictator, thus motivating her hatred of whatever oppressive regime you happen to be living under.  But hey, look at the bright side.  No in-laws to drive you nuts on the holidays.  Am I right? (What?  Too soon?)

5.  Her life’s story sounds like a Schwarzenegger movie except the adults are replaced with kids.  Creepy!

4.  Whenever she tells you her life’s story, she drones on and on.  You don’t have the heart to tell her that she could cut it down into one book.  In fact, you have a sneaking suspicion that she’s going for the trilogy.

3.  Has a special power.  Expert marksmanship.  Telekinesis.  Magic.  Whatever her power is, it’s not “making sandwiches for boyfriends 101.”  (Psst, women don’t have that power in the real world either so get used to it, kids!)

2.  Zombies or zombie-like creatures seem to get crowbarred into her adventures for no other reason than hey, people like zombies!

  1.  Whatever war she’s fighting, she didn’t want to start it, but she’ll end it.  Try not to let her warrior skills make you feel like a girly man.  (Even though, yeah, they kinda do.
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Batman vs. Superman vs. My Bookshelf

Holy Crap 3.5 Readers.

I walk away from my magic bookshelf for 3.5 seconds and this happens:

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Enough you two!  Settle your differences and get down to the important business of punching Lex Luthor in the face.

Is there a battle on your bookshelf?  Tweet the photographic evidence to @bookshelfbattle #bookshelfbattle and I might just share it with my 3.5 readers.

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Top Ten Signs You Are One of BQB’s 3.5 Readers

And now from BQB HQ in East Randomtown…the Top Ten Signs You Are One of BQB’s 3.5 Readers

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10. You continue to keep the faith that one day BQB will actually review a book.

9.  You even keep the faith that one day BQB will finish writing a book he has started.

8.  You wish you could have Scandal nights with Alien Jones and the Yeti.

7.  Uncle Hardass is starting to sound more and more reasonable.

6.  You check BQB’s movie reviews before you decide to see a movie.

5.  You’ve done the math to determine whether or not it is statistically possible to have .5th of a reader.

4.  You look at toaster pastries and toilets differently…especially on stormy nights.

3.  It concerns you that BQB doesn’t write more in order to appease the Mighty Potentate.

2.  A two-player game of Car Thief Mayhem with Video Game Rack Fighter sounds like a fun evening as long as you don’t try to beat her high score

And the number 1 reason why you might be one of BQB’s 3.5 readers…

  1.  Someone has to be…so why not you?
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Take the Ultimate BQB Superfan Quiz!

In honor of the two year anniversary of bookshelfbattle.com, test your knowledge vis a vis all things Bookshelf Q. Battler.

Post your answers in the comments.  Answers to come later.  Prize=absolutely nothing.  This blog has no budget.

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QUESTION 1

Uncle Hardass wants you to get a job at:

A. McDonald’s

B. The Manure Factory

C. The Salt Mines

D.  A Nissan Sentra Dealership

QUESTION 2

BQB was once a member of which late 1990’s/early 2000’s rap duo:

A.  The Sweaty Boys

B. The Funky Hunks

C.  West Street Posse

D.  The Hairy Chest Duo

QUESTION 3

BQB’s current girlfriend is:

A.  Blandie Settler

B.  Video Game Rack Fighter

C.  The Hot Ass Blonde Chick from Network News One

D.  Katie Sackhoff-bot

QUESTION 4

BQB’s employer is:

A.  Tan Stuff Unlimited

B.  Grey Wonder Shop

C.  Stucco Shack

D.  Beige Corp.

QUESTION 5

BQB once died on the toilet after eating this:

A.  Taco Bell burritos

B.  A Lighting Infused Toaster Pastry

C.  A peanut butter sandwich

D.  Cold cereal

QUESTION 6

Leo McKoy, one of BQB’s rivals for the position of “Most Famous Man in East Randomtown” gained his local cult hero status after he delivered a sandwich to which 1990’s heartthrob?

A.  James Van Der Beek

B.  Mario Lopez

C.  Mark-Paul Gosselaar

D. Jason Priestley

QUESTION 7

Which of the following companies HAS NOT sponsored the Bookshelf Battle Blog?

A. Hipster Hut

B.  Beige Corp

C.  Drying Paint Media

D.  The Burger Wagon

QUESTION 8

The Yeti’s favorite computer is:

A. Macbook

B.  Dell

C.  Vintage Apple PC

D.  Commodore 64

QUESTION 9

Dr. Hugo Von Science is the esteemed inventor of:

A.  Teflon underpants

B.  The Incredible Exploding Chinchilla

C.  The “Duck, Duck!” Cannon

D. All of the above

QUESTION 10

The Mighty Potentate often orders Alien Jones to stop at intergalactic drive-thus to pick him up which food:

A.  Pizza

B. Onion rings

C.  Chicken fingers

D. Potato skins

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Happy New Year, 3.5 Readers

Hey 3.5 Readers.

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Bookshelf Q. Battler

Well, that was 2015. A whole year’s worth of blogging. As Alien Jones broke it down for us, blogging once a day and being active on social media does make a difference.

I’m at a critical mass point where I have to shift my focus from daily blogging to book production.  One of the hardest lessons I had to learn this year was there just isn’t time to do everything. I have to pick and choose between my story ideas and stick with my decisions, seeing them through to the end before starting something new.

I do love daily blogging, but I think the only way this whole nerdy enterprise remains sustainable is to get some books out there.

And sadly, that means I can’t blog everyday, which after doing it everyday for a year, is going to feel weird.

But don’t worry, I’m not going anywhere. I’ll still check in, just not as often and ultimately, I have to write less in order to write better, if that makes any sense.

In the meantime, I have over a thousand posts on here. Read them. Check them out. Consult with Alien Jones and the other interesting people who stop by.

Thank you for your support, 3.5 Readers.

Sincerely,

Bookshelf Q. Battler

World Renowned Poindexter, Reviewer of Pop Cultural Happenings and Champion Yeti Fighter

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