Monthly Archives: June 2018

I Am Working Diligently on Toilet Gator

Hey 3.5 readers.

Your old pal BQB here.  Just an FYI, I haven’t been posting much lately because I am hard at working finishing up Toilet Gator, which is the best novel ever written about toilets, gators, or toilet gators.

 

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Daily Discussion with BQB – Why is this blog so great?

Because it just is.

Daily Discussion with BQB – Should There Be a Space Force?

As a nerd, I give a resounding yes.  The name is awesome and sounds like it comes from a sci-fi movie.  However, I think I can read Trump’s mind.  I think his idea is that thousands of years from now, contact will be made between humans and aliens.  If a U.S. Space Force is started, that will likely be the organization that contacts the aliens. Ergo, Trump wants to reserve a spot in the history books as the creator of the Space Force that eventually made contact with aliens.

My two cents on what he is up to anyway.  Either that, or he’ll push for a Mars expedition with the hope of building a structure that might get the name “Trump” slapped on it, which you might laugh at, but JFK’s support for the space program led to the creation of the Kennedy Space Center in Florida.

I don’t know.  Love or hate Trump, but I like this idea.  Sign me up for the Space Force.

Come to think of it, our POTUS does like pussy.  (What’s not to like?)  Maybe he is hoping the Space Force might be able to find and bring back some green space bitches with multiple pussies to grab.  Ugh, nice in theory but in reality, way too much work to please all that pussy.

I wouldn’t mind finding some space bitches with three titties though.  That’s just three times the fun.

In all seriousness, life surely exists in the vast reaches of space.  It would be amazing to make contact, though whether or not that contact would yield good or bad results for humanity remains to be seen.  Due to our curious natures, we’ll always keep trying to make that contact, even though the safe bet is to stick to our own corner of the galaxy, so we might as well keep on trying and see what happens.  Hopefully, whatever happens is a good thing.

DISCUSS.

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Movie Review – The Incredibles 2 (2018)

It was incredible.

BQB here with a review of the long awaited sequel to “The Incredibles.”

Wow.  How quickly fourteen years go by.  When I saw the original film in 2004, I was young, full of hopes and dreams and now, all these years later I realize that being the humble proprietor of a blog that’s only read by 3.5 people is the best my life will ever get.

SPOILER ALERT – before the film, the cast, i.e. Craig T. Nelson (Mr. Incredible), Holly Hunter (Elastigirl) and Samuel L. Jackson (Frozone) come out to apologize for taking so long to make a sequel, and then in a fun way, explain how long it takes to make an animated movie, from coming up with a story idea, refining it, drawing it out on paper, getting it into computerized animation, etc.  It’s all so complicated you are amazed animated movies, or really, any movies, get made at all.

As it turns out, 14 years was worth the wait.  This is a rare sequel that is good as the original, and perhaps even surpasses it in some ways.

The story picks up right after the end of the last film.  Superheroes continue to be hated by the public and the government, thought of as jerks who just get in the way and cause more damage to the city while fighting villains that the world would be better off just letting the villains take whatever they want.

However, Winston and Evelyn Deavor (Bob Odenkirk and Catherine Keener) don’t share this view.  Wealthy telecom company owners, this brother-sister duo believe that superheroes are the future and are willing to put up their money and public communication skills on the line to rehabilitate public perception of superheroes, all in the hope of changing anti-super hero laws.

SIDENOTE: I’ve always felt that the anti-hero laws of this world reflect the real world.  All too often, we bitch at people who are trying to solve problems because it’s easier than, say, actually rolling up our sleeves and trying to solve the problems ourselves.

Back to the review. The Deavors become the Incredible family’s benefactor, putting them up in swanky digs and funding missions for Elastigirl.  That’s right.  It’s Mr. Incredible’s turn to stay home and play Mr. Mom, helping super fast son Dash with his homework, invisible girl Violet with her teenage angst, and, to hilarious effect, corralling baby Jack-Jack, whose budding super powers have no bounds as the little guy is all emotion with no ability to control himself.

Meanwhile, Elastigirl dazzles in a particularly awesome scene with a special motorcycle that can separate apart as she needs it to.  Remember, she’s like a big rubber band, so as the action happens, her butt can be twenty feet away and the back half of the bike will detach and stick with her butt as needed.  Sounds silly, yet awesome on the big screen and kudos to the writer who thought of that.

There are many great action scenes like this, showing that Disney knows super heroes, Pixar knows animation, so more animated super hero flicks might definitely pan out.  As I recall, Disney’s other animated super hero flick, “Big Hero 6,” was further proof of this phenomenon.

It all culminates in taking on “The Screenslaver,” the villain who is able to control the minds of anyone who watches one of his hacked screens, with an underlying message that perhaps we could all use a little less screen time.

STATUS:  Shelf-worthy.  Lesson?  Take your time with sequels, Hollywood.  Resist the cash grab urge.  I know you’re in a money making business but put sequels on the back burner while you work other projects, and then when those sequels have simmered enough, move them to the front burner where they can satisfy our appetites with gourmet precision rather than fast-food speed.  The extra time taken here paid off big time.

Not to keep knocking “Star Wars” but keep in mind that absence makes the heart grow fonder and maybe even makes the movie maker’s mind sharper.  Maybe 14 years is a long time but a sequel, say, once every 5 years is like getting together with an old, long lost friend, whereas a sequel once a year is like that house guest who sets up shop in your living room and refuses to leave.  Sure, it was fun for a week but now you’d like to be able to watch your TV and sit on your couch in peace.

Other lesson – more animated super hero movies or, barring that, more animated any kind of adventure movies.  Live action hero movies are great, but animated films can really stretch boundaries and give adults something to actually enjoy while captivating the kids.

 

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Daily Discussion with BQB – Should Farts Be Taxed?

PRO: Making people pay for their farts might motivate them to fart less and this may lead to less air pollution.  Maybe people will at least try to eat less fart inducing foods and this will be beneficial to their health.

CON:  If people fart less, the gas will be trapped in their bodies for longer periods, causing gaseous internal damage.  People are so strapped for cash already that if they have to pay a fart tax, they will just hold the farts in until they spontaneously combust.  You’ll be sitting at your cubicle and the guy next to you will just, all of a sudden, be consumed in a fire and then people will be like, “Well, I guess Stanley had a chili cheese corn dog and an extra-large Coke for lunch and couldn’t afford the fart tax due to his child support payments.”

Discuss.

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Movie Review – Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom (2018)

Oh God.  What a poopfest.

Let’s just get this review over with.  SPOILERS ABOUND.

The biggest spoiler is that it sucks, though maybe we should have realized this ahead of time as this is the fifth movie in a franchise based on an early 1990s film the success of which was good writing and acting paired with the first example of how CGI, if done well, can enhance a film.

Alas, the lesson was not learned that films cannot live by CGI dinosaurs alone.  While the actors do their best, the plot is like a 500 pound T-Rex turd – mildly interesting from afar, but big, smelly and useless up close.

At first, it feels like a bait and switch.  Our heroes, Claire and Owen (Bryce Howard and Chris Pratt) are recruited to save the dinosaurs left on the island from the previous film, from an impending volcano eruption.  I expected 2 hours of our adventurers running around with dinos in a race against time whilst avoiding incoming hot lava and am willing to ignore how our heroes did not learn from the previous film that Mother Nature decided long ago that man and dinos don’t mix and that the dinos should be left to be cooked because they can never be controlled.

Indeed, the first 20 minutes where this happens make up the most interesting part of the film, but from there it struggles.  I don’t want to accuse the film of a bait and switch because on a second glance of the plot, the trailer is honest about what the film is about and I suppose it’s my fault that I only watched the first part of the trailer.

At any rate, the hot lava island chase idea is cut short early and we are transported to the mansion of Benjamin Lockwood (James Cromwell), the never yet mentioned former business partner of Hammond from the original film.  Lockwood, Clare and Owen have been double crossed by Lockwood’s business associate Eli (Rafe Spall) and a merc (Ted Levine, who, as we all know, once famously asked a lady to put the lotion in the basket in “Silence of the Lambs.”)  His presence in the film is cool and creepy but doesn’t save it.

Blah, blah, blah the villains have brought the dinos to the mansion to be auctioned off to the world’s wealthiest reprobates.  Owen and Clare are left to escape the dino infested estate, and a dino fight in the bedroom of Lockwood’s granddaughter seems surreal.

It all culminates (BIG SPOILER) in dinos being released into the world and although that’s scary, it seems unlikely, as the number of dinos released is relatively small and surely the Army could have taken them out before they get too far and take over.

It ends (SPOILER) with Jeff Goldblum reprising his role as Dr. Malcolm, testifying before some kind of committee about the dangers of dinos and/or man’s hubris in thinking he can control the uncontrollable.  I felt cheated as I assumed Goldblum was going to be running around on the lava filled island, firing off quips to our plucky band of younger heroes.  Alas, his presence is just a quick cameo.

From “Star Wars” to this film, this “We’re bringing the old timers back!” only to have them move on and off the screen quickly seems lame.  Although Harrison Ford’s part in “The Force Awakens” is big, Luke and Leia were underutilized.  Here, I’m not sure why Goldblum isn’t given a bigger role as he seems to still be physically capable and his mind seems sharp so…beats me.  Money?  Who knows.

Hollywood, take a cue from Dr. Malcolm.  Just because you CAN clone dinos doesn’t mean you should.  Therefore, just because you CAN make a fifth sequel a very original, yet to be surpassed dino film doesn’t mean you should.

Yes, man was blessed with the ability to do a number of things, but he was also blessed with the ability to consider whether he should do these things and when it comes to dino movies…please, unless you come up with an original plot, very doubtful at this point, just take the cash you would have given to a sixth cash grab and green light something else instead.

The wisest among the characters in the series know the dinos should die yet the Hollywood suits, like their corporate dino company counterparts, just don’t get the point.

STATUS:  Not shelf-worthy!!!  Oh, it pains me to say that.

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Daily Discussion with BQB – Should We Spend 87 Percent of Our GDP on Curing Seahorses of Gluten Allergies?

PRO: Yes, it’s terrible those little guys suffer so much.

CON: Fuck seahorses.

Discuss.

Daily Discussion with BQB – Should the Pope Learn How to Dance the Hustle?

PRO: He’d learn how to dance a popular 1970s dance.

CON: None that I can see.

Discuss.

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Daily Discussion with BQB – Hamster Marriage

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3.5 readers, a very important discussion today.

Should hamsters be allowed to marry?

Specifically…should hamsters have the right…

  • to marry other hamsters?
  • to marry people?
  • to marry cats?
  • to marry dogs?
  • to marry frogs?
  • to marry gophers?
  • to marry chimpanzees?
  • to marry platypi?
  • to have straight hamster marriage?
  • to have gay hamster marriage?
  • for three hamsters to get married?

This is truly the great question of our age.  And I don’t ask it lightly.  Frankly, I dont know where all the hamsters in the pet store are coming from, but I can only assume that all those hamsters are the result of some very hardcore hamster fucking and I am tired of these hamsters living in sin, having all kinds of freaky hamster sex without exchanging vows and making it all official in the eyes of God.

Further, and please, stop being a bigot, folks, OK?  It’s 2018, so I really think that if we are going to let straight hamsters get married then we should let gay hamsters get married to.  It’s time, folks.  OK?  It’s time.

If hamsters want to marry outside of their species, I’m fine with it.  If a hamster wants to marry a duck or a mongoose or something, that’s fine.  Who am I to tell a hamster that he or she can’t love a penguin?

And I’m not going to tell a hamster that he or she can’t love an inanimate object either, so if a hamster wants to marry a deck of playing cards or a bag of chips or a tasteful rendering of Wayne Newton, bare chested and riding a unicorn into outer space, who am I to say no?

Now, you might wonder, how could a hamster fuck an elephant or a goat or a donkey or a bucket of extra crispy fried chicken or a roll of wet paper towels.  While I applaud your inquisitive mind, I remind you that this is none of your business.  You don’t need to know.  Hamsters aren’t taking notes about your sexual habits so you don’t need to take notes about theirs, OK?  Sheesh. 2018 people.

Anyway, please let me know your thoughts on the important issue of hamster sex and/or more importantly, hamster marriage and whether or not you support hamster matrimony.

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