Tag Archives: humor

Is Comedy Dying? Reed College Students Protest Steve Martin’s King Tut Sketch as Racist

Hey 3.5 readers.

I’m late to the game on this as apparently it happened last Fall.

In a humanities course at Reed College in Oregon, a professor showed a class the infamous and hilarious “King Tut” sketch performed by Steve Martin in 1978 on Saturday Night Live.

I mean, if I’m a student I might protest that I’m being expected to borrow a shit ton of cash for a loan that I’ll never be able to pay back so I can watch a sketch that I could have just watched on YouTube myself for free, but that’s neither here nor there.

The students called this racist.  How dare Steve Martin appropriate Egyptian culture?  One student said that when a golden-faced King Tut pops out of his coffin to play a saxophone, this is the equivalent of “blackface.”  Read more in the NY Post.

Sigh.  When did kids become such squares?

Seriously.  Has everyone under 35 lost their cognitive functions?


That was what Martin was doing, through humor.  In the late 1970s, a famous King Tut exhibit toured museums throughout America.  Martin starts the sketch saying he thinks its ridiculous that King Tut’s life has been reduced to “toys and trinkets” and that money is being made off the pharaoh’s life.

Then he breaks out into a hilarious, over the top song and dance number.  Girls in Egyptian garb dance in the background.  Martin is using humor to make a point.  It’s as if the life of an ancient king has been turned into little more than a song and dance routine to entertain dopey tourists.

Goldenface?  No one had a gold face.  Tut was buried in a coffin made out of gold with a golden image of his face on it.

There’s just no critical thinking anymore.  How can anyone with a brain watch this sketch and realize anything other than Martin was making fun of the idea of taking an ancient culture and exploiting it for cash?  Ironically, if these kids would think for five minutes, they’d probably realize they and Martin agree on things.

Sad.  Everyone is dumb.

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Daily Discussion with BQB – I Have Lost the Will to Blog

It’s getting harder and harder to keep bringing the 7 eyes of 3.5 readers to this wonderful site.  Also, I’m no spring chicken.

I’m unsure of the future.  Perhaps I will turn over the keys of BQB HQ to my arch-nemesis, the International War Criminal/Incredibly Boring Snow Monster, “The Yeti.”

Perhaps I will dump a bottle of hot sauce on my head, then go swimming in a shark tank.

Maybe I will ask Fergie to serenade me.  No, scratch that.  Fergie is a national treasure.  Screw you all for making fun of that goddess.  She brought us so much joy with her humps, surely we can spot her one error in judgment.

I think I’ll just lie down in my backyard.  Watch the butterflies flap their wings and let caterpillars crawl all over me until the moss and grass just grow over me and consume me.

Perhaps none of that is necessary to not blog anymore.  Or maybe I’ll sub-contract the blog out to some hired help.  Maybe I’ll just watch movies and eat pizza and hire a team of sentient iguana typists to write this blog for me and I’ll pay them in flies.

Surely, they couldn’t do any worse.

What say you, 3.5 readers?

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Top Ten Oscar Wilde Quotes


#10 – “I can resist everything but temptation.”

#9 – “Women are made to be loved, not understood.”

#8 – “Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.”

#7 – “Be yourself.  Everyone else is taken.”

#6 – “Most people are other people.  Their thoughts are someone else’s opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation.”

#5 – “True friends stab you in the front.”

#4 – “The suspense is terrible.  I hope it will last.”

#3 – “The only difference between the saint and the sinner is that every saint has a past, and every sinner has a future.”

#2 – “A gentleman is one who never hurts anyone’s feelings unintentionally.”

#1 – “Memory is the diary that we all carry about with us.”

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Stop Sucking with Vinny Baggadouchio – Taking Your Not Sucking Journey One Suck Free Day at a Time


World Renowned Motivational Speaker/Anti-Suck Expert Vinny Baggadouchio

I’m Vinny Baggadouchio and I’m sucking the suck out of the world so you don’t have to.

Perhaps you recognize me from one of my many fine books which describe in detail how you no longer have to suck:

How Now, Brown Suck Cow

John Livingston Suckgall

De-suck You, De-suck Me, De-suck it Together, Naturally

Stop the Suck World, I Want to Get Off!

When a Problem Comes Along, You Must Un-Suck It

How to Win Friends and Avoid Sucky People

I’m Mad as Hell and I Don’t Have to Suck Anymore!

Today’s question comes from a big ole suckface in Pismo Beach, Florida.  Wow, it’s so nice and sunny, you’d have to be a big super sized sucker to suck in a place like that.

Dear Vinny B,

I’ve sucked so hard and for so long that I don’t even remember where all the suck began and I’m not sure how to even find a way for the suck end.  Sometimes, when I think about all the things I have to do to not suck, I feel so overwhelmed that I begin to engage in sucky behaviors, like smoking crack, banging discount prostitutes with STD laden, gangrenous vaginas and eating Tide pods.  So many Tide pods.  Sometimes I just sit down in front of the TV and eat a whole bucket of those things.  I’ve died seven times already and the doctors tell me they doubt they can bring me back again and I should stop eating Tide pods but I can’t help it because I suck so much.

How can I stop sucking today so I will not suck tomorrow?


Pismo Sucker

My word, Pismo Sucker.  Your life sure does suck.  Don’t worry though.  I’m here to help you un-suck it.

Here’s the deal.  Your life didn’t suck itself up overnight.  I’m sure it took many, many years worth of steadily, increasingly suckier activities until you became the great big sucker that you are today.

Maybe at one point you were great – young, vibrant, healthy, good job, you were going somewhere.  Then, you started to suck a little.  Maybe you stopped shaving everyday.  Maybe you stopped caring about your appearance.  Maybe you didn’t keep your desk, office, car, or home or anywhere else clean.

Maybe you started with an extra drink.  Then two.  Then five.  Then twelve.  Then came the crack, the smack, the horse tranquilizer and then the Tide pods.  Boy, people have really been sucking themselves up with Tide pods lately.  Don’t eat them, people.  They suck and they’ll kill you and that would suck.

Slowly but surely you took a new, sucky step down the ladder of suck into the great sewer hole of suck-dom.  Now you’re down there in the suck sewer, covered in so much suck muck you don’t know how you’ll ever get to the suck free top again.

Simple.  Just as you plunged into suckitude one step at a time, so too will you step up into a suck free life, one step at a time.

Today you’ll start shaving.  Tomorrow, you’ll start dressing better.  The day after date, you’ll cut down on the booze.  As time goes on you’ll cut out all the substances (though the Tide pods must be cut instantly.)

Seek counseling and a support group and therapy and treatment for your various addictions.  There are many professionals who are quite adept at curing sucky problems like yours.

Rome wasn’t built in a day and your sucky life won’t be unsucked in a day, or a week, a month or even a year.  Take each day is it comes.  Find as much suck-free enjoyment as you can whilst still trapped in your suckitude.  Slowly but surely, make incremental and positive changes that build up your suck free life and build up your immunity to suckyness.

Think of all the years you wasted wallowing your suck.  Think how quickly those years went by, how happy you’d be if you’d stepped onto the slow but sure path onto a suck free journey years ago.

If you try to de-suck all of your suck instantly, it’ll be too much – a Herculean task for even the most advanced non-sucker.  De-suck little by little, taking baby steps towards an overall end game of a suck free life.

You’ll get there, my friend, but you didn’t dick this suck hole overnight, and you aren’t going to fill it up with suck-free dirt overnight either.

I know it can be hard to sit there and think how far away a suck free life is, how much needs to be done before your life won’t suck anymore that it seems so surreal that your life could do anything but suck, but trust me, a suck free life is not a fairy tale.  If you believe you won’t suck, then you will achieve a life that doesn’t suck.

Good luck, don’t suck, and FYI, my new book, “Good Luck, Don’t Suck” is now available at a book store near you that doesn’t suck.

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A Rap About the 12 Cents I Made Off My Book in January

Hey 3.5 readers.

I made a whole 12 cents off this fine book in January:

I was so excited about the 12 cents I wrote this rap:

BQB: Yo.  Sometimes a man dreams for so long,

That it he don’t know where his spirit went.

But then his whole world changes.

He wakes up to find he’s got an extra 12 cents.

CHORUS: 12 cents!

Two nickels or a dime!

Isn’t it so fine?

BQB: Oh, 12 cents!  Let me hear you all over the world, tell me you want my 12 cents!

CHORUS: 12 cents!

BQB:  2 pennies too!  Or a dime and two pennies, what you gonna do?

The light goes off inside my head socket.

All these jingly coins, deep inside my pocket.

CHORUS: Here come the hoes!

BQB:  Oh lord, the hoes!  No one wanted BQB when he didn’t have a 12th of a dolla.

Now the bitches line up at my door, lookin’ to make me holla.

Hoes to the east and hoes to the west.

It’s my writing prompt money that they want best!

Will I travel the nation?

Will I cave in to temptation?

Will I be with a woman who is true?

Or be with the hoes who just want my penny boku?

CHORUS: Oh, the bitches love 12 cents!

BQB:  I used to get so little pussy, it was a mutha-humpin’ crime.

Now all the hoes want to knock boots for my pennies and my dime.

“Look at me, BQB,” say all the hoes from every hood.

Aint no one want me when my cent game was no good.

CHORUS: They all thought you was a loser!

BQB: Now they all a bunch of users.

Chickenheads who want my copper Abe Lincolns.

They don’t want me for me,

And this whole mess is stinkin.’

CHORUS: It stinks real bad!

BQB:  Hoes just want my tiny portrait of Franky D. Roosevelt.

Oh baby, baby you treat me so bad, if only you knew how my ass felt.

CHORUS:  His ass feels bad!

BQB: Mo money, mo problems.

Aint that the truth.

Wish I’d never been like Shakespeare,

And wrote my ass a book, forsooth.

Shit.  2018 was the year I got all this coin instead of the green.

The self-publishin’ game sure is mean.

Think I’ll tell these hoes to get they asses on a bus.

Cuz a fifth of vodka’s the only friend I trust.

I’ll keep my 12 cents close to my heart,

So I never forget, the man I was.

How no one gave a fart.

Damn, son.  Pour out two drinks.

One for me.  And one for all my homies who were never lucky enough to make 12 cents.

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Inappropriate Musicals

Hi 3.5 readers.  I’ve decided I’m going to write inappropriate musicals for awhile.  If anyone from Broadway is interested, let me know.  If you have an inappropriate topic for a musical, please share.

First up – Bobbitt!

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Curb Your Enthusiasm Binge Watching Marathon

“Curb Your Enthusiasm” put out a new season recently after a six year hiatus.  It made me so happy to see Larry David back in action that I ended up watching the whole series, a few episodes a day, for the past month.  I’ve seen them all before and remembered the gist of the best ones but it’s been so long it was like watching them all for the first time.

If you’ve never seen it, the quick rundown of the show is that Larry David was the co-creator and producer behind the popular 1990s sitcom Seinfeld.  While he only appeared on that show in the occasional bit part, he was largely a behind the scenes man.  Fun fact: the character of George Costanza is based on Larry.

On “Curb,” Larry plays a fictional version of himself though I can only assume there is a grain of truth in any form of comedy.  As you might recall, George Costanza was a bald loser, fully aware of his unattractiveness and shortcomings, yet often angry over the fact that he couldn’t form a decent relationship with a woman because he’d always freak out over the most trivial of flaws (even though they usually pale in comparison to George’s problems.)

Larry is essentially the same way.  For most of the series, he is married to hot, younger wife Cheryl (Cheryl Hines) who suffers Larry’s douchebaggery with grace and dignity.  In later seasons, Larry and Cheryl divorce, though she remains a returning character.  Larry dates a variety of hot babes, women so attractive who have so much going for them that you want to shout out that clearly Larry would never be getting them if not for his vast “Seinfeld” fortune and Hollywood connections…and yet he usually screws things up over a trivial flaw.  (In one episode, he dates a ridiculously hot restaurant hostess only to ruin it all when she borrows $40 only to forget to pay it back.  Before you take Larry’s side, keep in mind that a quick Google search of Larry’s net worth puts it at $900 million so yeah, let the hottie keep the $40 Larry.)

Frankly, I’m impressed by how much money Larry made. The number of people who became near billionaires off of being funny must be few and far between.

My other random observations, in no particular order:

#1 – The first three seasons take place in the early 2000s, the first season in 2000.  The experience is surreal.  Flip phones.  Tube TVs and computer monitors.  No GPS.  In a first season episode, Larry and Cheryl get lost on the way to a dinner party, with nothing but a friend’s handwritten directions to guide them.  Anyone else remember trying to find a place with nothing but a friend’s shitty directions and no GPS, having to drive around, hope to find a landmark, stop for directions and hope to find someone who can help you?  If you’ve never done that, you have no idea how lucky we all are to have cell phones that can tell us how to get where we want to go today.

#2 – Larry self-deprecates the crap out of himself.  It’s a big man who is willing to make himself look like a schmuck.  It would be one thing if Larry called himself a different name, i.e. Gary Schmavid but here, he’s saying this is me, playing myself and I hate to get into his head but I can only assume that somehow he feels comfortable portraying himself as a goofball, a man who constantly bucks societal norms, schemes to get out of social conventions only to make things so much worse.

# 3 – It’s “Seinfeld” with swearing.  If you liked “Seinfeld,” and don’t care about swearing, you’ll like this.  The characters rarely grow or improve or better themselves.  No special episodes where a character gets sick.  No morals or lessons.  Just humor for humor’s sake.  The goal is to make you laugh and nothing more.

#4 – It made me feel bad to see how time screws us all in the looks department.  Not to knock Larry but he more or less looks like he does at the beginning as he does 17 years later.  Larry is bald with gray side hair for as long as I can remember.  He does appear a bit younger looking and more spry in the beginning episodes.  He’s early 50s when it starts and 70 now.

Richard Lewis, veteran neurotic comedian of the 1980s, plays himself and appears handsome at the start of the series.  Black hair, strong features, looks like he belongs in movies.  In later seasons, he looks old, gray, balding and decrepit.  Still has his wit but makes me sad what time does to us.

Not dumping on anyone but you can see it in all the recurring characters, how youthful they all long in the earliest seasons.

#5 – So much political incorrectness.  Many of the jokes from past seasons would not fly today.  The irony is that Larry does and says many shitty things, but if you get offended too early and walk away, you’ll miss the part where Larry gets his comeuppance for saying and doing such shitty things.  Never assume Larry gets away with anything.  He never does.  Cue ending scene where the theme music plays with closeup of his eyes as he realizes how much shittier he just made a shitty situation.

#6 – On the other hand, it’s not always Larry.  Sometimes it’s Larry as a victim of circumstance.  People are so tied to social norms that a minor deviation makes them go ballistic.  He’ll accidentally do or not do something, through no fault of his own, and despite apologies, people will go ape shit on him.  Perhaps we can give people a break if they don’t always act 100 percent of the way we want them to.

#7 – Jeff Garland (Larry’s manager Jeff Greene) and Susie Essman (Jeff’s she-devil wife Susie Greene) are great.  Susie goes ballistic over the littlest things, though often she sniffs out when Larry and Jeff have joined forces in a joint scheme and exposes them.  “Fat fuck” and “bald fuck” or “four eye fuck” are her names of choice for the duo.

#8 – Larry has Peter Pan syndrome.  It’s surreal to see a man with gray hair acting like a youngster, but he has so many young-ish habits.  Throughout the series, he’ll meet old, gray haired people and talk to them as one would a grandparent and it leaves me wondering if he’s aware that he’s old himself.  Then again, he’s got mad cash, so that keeps you young.

Conclusions – It’s an awesome show.  If you need something to binge watch, I highly recommend it.




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Is Comedy Dying? Dave Chapelle’s Angry Fan in His New Netflix Special

Hey 3.5 readers.

Dave Chapelle’s latest Netflix special just dropped and as usual, it’s funny as hell.  This man is one of my longtime favorites, and he’s actually getting better with age, bringing a lot of experience and wisdom to his comedy.

I’ve been keeping track of the death of comedy for awhile now.  It’s unfortunate, but the masses are losing their sense of humor, opting to adopt the outrage culture instead.

In his special, Dave talks about his own concerns that people are just getting too sensitive and that’s having a negative impact on comedy.  He talks about one show he did where an Asian woman and her Mexican husband attended.  The woman was pregnant, he said “the baby will be the hardest working baby ever” – ironically, a complimentary joke saying Asians and Mexicans work hard, yet the woman stormed off and later wrote stern letter to his promoter asking that he stop promoting Chapelle.

Sigh.  Even the great Dave Chapelle is worried about the future of comedy.  The next generation of comedians is going to have it tough.

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Matthew McConaughey Impersonation

Alright, alright, alright.

3.5 readers, all I can say is I love being alive in a time when you can get a dude to impersonate Matthew McConaughey for you for a reasonable price.  Would that this technology had existed when I was 20.  I would have taken over the world.

This is so funny, and the impressionist sounds just like him:

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Bookshelf Battle Log #4 – Masterbating Goblins Are the Worst


3.5 readers, I have to let you in on a piece of information that’s well known to the monster fighting community but is a virtual secret to the general public.

Goblins are chronic masterbaters.  Seriously, they are never NOT tossing the monkey, slapping the salami, bopping the baloney or what have you.

You know what’s worse?  They have these bright yellow, beady little eyes and while you’re trying to sleep, they just stare at you and fap, fap, fap away, tugging at their tiny, syphillis ridden goblin dongers.  Their faces are usually like, one to two inches away from yours.

You ask them to move, they just sort of go, “Ungh” and then fap faster.  And there’s never a release.  Like, what’s the point?

I know.  Disgusting.  I’m telling you this because I’m currently babysitting and/or protecting one such masterbating goblin.  Why would I want to do that?  I really don’t want to, but he’s a witness in a case being brought in an underground world.  He saw one masterbating goblin murder another masterbating goblin.  The masterbating goblin mafia was involved.

You know what?  I’ve said too much.  Long story short, the Council of Masterbating Goblin Justice asked me to protect the little guy until he can give his testimony…while masterbating.

Oddly enough, I’m honored to have been asked…though I really wish the little guy would stop masterbating…and also to stop staring at me with his face an inch away from mine.

Did I mention that if you do eventually succumb to exhaustion and fall asleep, the little asshole will start licking your toes?  Last night I feel asleep and when I woke up, my toes were like prunes…covered in spit.

God, I hope that was only spit.  I might have to double check and make sure they don’t release.  Stupid masterbating goblins.

Hey reader, this is the worst segway ever, but while I’m busy keeping an eye on this masterbating goblin, keep yourself entertained by checking out my movie reviews.  I watch more movies than I read books.  Ironically, I should have named myself “Moviescreen Q. Watcher” but I don’t have the energy to change my name now.

Down, masterbating goblin!  Down!  You’re bad masterbating goblin!  Bad, bad!

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