Monthly Archives: September 2015

Sep 30 2015
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Ask the Alien

Ask the Alien: The Esteemed Brainy One Checks BQB’s Pre-Zombie Stats

By:  Alien Jones, Intergalactic Correspondentshutterstock_122655487 copy

Greetings Earth losers.

It’s been awhile since I’ve communicated with with my “Ask the Alien” column.

That’s the column where you, the 3.5 readers, can submit a question to me, a representative of a higher species, and obtain not only the knowledge that will flow forth from my genius brain, but a plug for your book and/or blog as well.

And if you’re one of the few humans on the Internet without a book or a blog to hock, don’t worry, I’ll take your inquiry too.

As you may have heard, my Supreme Overlord, the Mighty Potentate, He Who Makes the Seas Rise, the Stars Shine, and the Breeze Blow and I’m Not Just Saying That Because He’ll Vaporize Me, has assigned me the mission of helping Bookshelf Q. Battler build his fledgling writer career.

Why he didn’t just ask me to teach a chipmunk how to build a nuclear reactor I don’t know.  That would have been easier.

Don’t tell the Mighty Potentate I said that.

Anyway, you 3.5 readers would be doing this alien a solid if you’d help in anyway you can/want to in promoting this blog.

Here’s the State of BQB’s Bookshelf as of Sept. 30, 2015:

WORDPRESS FOLLOWERS: 1,394

TWITTER FOLLOWERS: 6,148 – Follow @bookshelfbattle

GOOGLE + FOLLOWERS:  757 – Follow BQB on Google +

WATTPAD FOLLOWERS – 115 Followers – Follow BQB on Wattpad – His handle is also @bookshelfbattle

FACEBOOK – Likes for BQB’s “Bookshelf Battle” Facebook page are virtually nonexistent, and I personally blame Zuckerberg.  In addition to the Winklevoss twins and that Brazilian kid, you can add a pantsless alien to the list of beings you’ve screwed over, Zuck.

Anyway, let’s push BQB’s Facebook.  Like his page.  If you forget to like it  now, you can always like it later by visiting http://www.facebook.com/bookshelfqbattler

If I make it out of the zombie apocalypse alive, I’ll return with a report on how BQB’s stats have improved as a result of this zombie author interview-a-palooza.

Personally, I’d like to see BQB at 10,000 Twitter Followers, 1,000 Google Plus Followers, and 2,000 WordPress followers by the end of the year.

Mention BQB on your blog, share his links on your favorite time wasting social media site, or tell your friends, if you have any.  Increasing BQB’s stats would certainly get the Mighty Potentate off non-existent butt for awhile.

Don’t tell him I said that either.

Don’t forget authors, I’ll return (if I’m alive) to my regularly scheduled Ask the Alien column in November, so ask away and if it’s an inquiry worthy of my brain, I’ll answer it and promo your book and/or blog.

Esteemed Brainy One out.

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Sep 30 2015
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A Guide to the Bookshelf Battleverse

A Guide to the Bookshelf Battleverse – Part 7 – Pop Culture Mysteries

Just as Cheers begat Frasier and Friends begat Joey, so too did the Bookshelf Battle Blog begat Pop Culture Mysteries.

You wish your blog had a spinoff.

DELILAH K. DONNELLY

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Attorney Delilah K. Donnelly of the Los Angeles based law firm of Donnelly and Associates is considered one of the finest lawyers in Hollywood, known for her ability to make impossible deals happen and free even the most guilty looking suspects.  Needless to say, her services cost a pretty penny.

Thus, it’s a mystery as to why she voluntarily serves as Lead Counsel for the Bookshelf Battle Blog, holding BQB’s hand in all murky matters and acting as the rock he needs to lean on when times get tough.

A woman of perfect poise and posture, elegance, class, and refinement, she carries herself in an old fashioned manner, though she gets along just fine in modern times, eating most men who cross her for breakfast with a cunning quip.

Intensely guarded when it comes to her personal life, BQB is fully aware of how lucky he is to have such high caliber representation for a website with only 3.5 readers.

JAKE DASHING

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One of the most infamous lawmen of the twentieth century, Jacob R. Dashing left his hometown of Bayonne, NJ at age 18 with his then girlfriend, Hettie May Blodgett.  The young couple made their way to Tinseltown with stars in their eyes and dreams of fame in their hearts.

Dashing wanted to be an actor, Hettie a singer.  Since Dashing became a drunk and Hettie went on to become legendary Jazz singer Peaches LeMay, the deal worked out a bit better for his better half.

A budding career as a boxer was cut short when Mugsy McGillicuddy’s gang forced him to take a dive lest Peaches sleep with the fishes.

“The Jersey Jabber” sought redemption and found it during World War II, when he was recruited for a top secret mission to punch Adolf Hitler in the face.

Through Attorney Donnelly, BQB and Dashing are currently in negotiations regarding the production of a novel based on Operation Fuhrerpunschen.

Such a move may be risky, as there are forces who would prefer to see the details of this mission stay buried.

Following WWII, Jake found employment with the LAPD, rising to the level of detective, and later became a private investigator.

His three ex-wives include:

  • Trixie, who slept with Jake’s partner, Mickey, but insisted she was fooled.  Since she wasn’t the brightest bulb, her claim wasn’t that far fetched.
  • Muffy, who shot Jake six times, but loved him enough to miss every vital organ.
  • Connie, who was the most loyal woman Jake ever knew, but alas he drove her away with his booze addiction.

POP CULTURE MYSTERIES

In 1954, Jake fell asleep at his desk.  When he woke up, it was 2014.  The Tsang family, who considered him an honorary member, took care of him for close to sixty years while he was dozing.

Cell phones.  Computers.  Color TV.  Women wearing pants and acting like they own the joint.  2014 was not a world that Jake recognized, and he began searching for answers.  Why did he sleep for nearly sixty years and was it possible to return to his own time?

A year later, in the summer of 2015, Delilah K. Donnelly walked into Jake’s office, offering answers…for a price.

Her client, Bookshelf Q. Battler, claimed to have the answers Jake was looking for, and would reveal him in exchange for Jake’s agreement to solve one hundred pop culture mysteries.

The notorious lawman felt a bit silly taking on questions as foolish as “What happened to the original Brady Bunch spouses?” but decided it was worth it if it would get him back to the 1950s.

Like most hardboiled noir style private detectives, Jake is prone to speaking in long, exaggerated monologues.

To date, BQB and Jake have never met.  Attorney Donnelly delivers BQB’s pop culture questions to Jake out of an entirely astute fear that Jake will just strangle the shit out of him until he makes with the answers.

Remember, 3.5 readers.  Many bloggers claim to be great, but only Bookshelf Q. Battler has pissed off a trained Nazi killer/boxer/detective for your personal amusement.

Keep that shit in mind when you’re doling out the leibsters, nerds.

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Sep 30 2015
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The Bookshelf Battleverse

A Guide to the Bookshelf Battleverse – Part 6 – The Funky Hunks

In the late 1990s/early 2000’s, BQB and his childhood friend, Bernie Plotznick, rose to a mediocre level of fame as a wholesome rap duo known as “The Funky Hunks.”

BQB argued the duo should rap about standard rap fare, i.e guns, drugs, and beatches.   Bernie would have none of it, insisting that the group should only rap about wholesome subjects like looking both ways before crossing the street and not talking to strangers.

Bernie won, and while the duo’s debut album, Nonthreatening White Boys, found moderate success amongst a niche audience of forty something ladies in blue denim stretch pants, it was universally panned and ignored by youths of the day around the turn of the millennium.

BQB, back in his Funky Hunk days, when he rapped under the moniker,

BQB, back in his Funky Hunk days, when he rapped under the moniker, “Read N. Plenty.”  BQB hanged up his yellow coat long ago.

When the group failed, BQB and Bernie went their separate ways.  BQB found success as the host of a blog with 3.5 readers.  Bernie, on the other hand, bitterly clinged to the idea of a Funky Hunk Resurgence.

Bernie

Bernie “MC Plotz” Plotznick, who dresses like this even today.

Bernie can be found by the East Randomtown freeway offramp, selling oranges to support himself and writing new rhymes in a notebook.

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Sep 30 2015
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The Bookshelf Battleverse

A Guide to the Bookshelf Battleverse – Part 5 – Villains

THE YETI

Stupid Yeti

                           Stupid Yeti

An international fuzzy war criminal, the beast known simply as “The Yeti” believes the entire world should be as boring and brutal as his home, the frozen wasteland of Siberia.  Earlier this year, the Yeti traveled to East Randomtown, subdued Bookshelf Q. Battledog, infiltrated BQB HQ, and held Bookshelf Q. Battler hostage for over a month.

Eventually gaining the upper hand, BQB was able to subdue the Yeti by landing a roundhouse kick to the monster’s furry face.

The Yeti is currently housed in a frozen prison deep beneath BQB HQ, allowed out only on Thursday evenings for Scandal night because to not allow him to participate would be mean.

DR. HUGO VON SCIENCE

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Dr. Hugo Von Science is a distinguished Professor of Science at the Advanced Science Institute of Science University, not to mention BQB’s former mentor while our resident nerd was a student at this fine institution.

Considered “the most trusted name in science,” Dr. Hugo has patented over a bazillion inventions, including teflon pants, the incredible exploding chinchilla, and the two-jump pogo stick, capable of delivering the user anywhere in the world through only two jumps.

He comes across as kind and brilliant, an ambassador for the scientific community to the world of laymen.  However, as seen is his column, “You Can’t Argue With Science,” he occasionally drops hints that he might be mulling over various plots to conquer the world.

BLANDIE SETTLER

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She doesn’t really qualify as a villain, but it’s hard to know where else to put her in a guide to the Bookshelf Battleverse.  Ms. Settler yelled at BQB morning, noon, and night, belittling his writing career and the size of his…ego.   She literally had this expression on her face at all times during the relationship.

In fact, this is a copy of a photo BQB kept hanging on his wall to reminisce about his ex until he met VGRF.

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Sep 30 2015
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The Bookshelf Battleverse

A Guide to the Bookshelf Battleverse – Part 4 – The Aliens

THE MIGHTY POTENTATE

ALL HAIL THE MIGHTY POTENTATE!

ALL HAIL THE MIGHTY POTENTATE!

Approximately a year after the Bookshelf Battle Blog went online, it was noticed by the Mighty Potentate, the Supreme Overlord of a Planet the Name of Which is None of Your Business.

A maniacal dictator who solves every problem (from intergalactic war to his chicken wings not being delivered on time) with threats of vaporization, the Potent One is a big fan of scripted media, so much so that he despises all forms of reality television, writing it off as “just a bunch of cameras mindlessly following vapid, talentless quasi-celebrities around as they do nothing of any importance whatsoever.”

Prone to having visions of the future which so far have all proven accurate, His Potentositude prognosticated that Bookshelf Q. Battler will one day write a novel so elegantly crafted that it will cause humanity to abandon reality TV altogether, thus preventing it from spreading throughout the cosmos once humans inevitably invent space travel.

ALIEN JONES

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Alien Jones, aka “The Esteemed Brainy One” has been dispatched by the Mighty Potentate on a mission to help BQB’s blog get off the ground by authoring an “Ask the Alien” column.  Humans are invited to ask Alien Jones a question and if those humans are writers, he’ll plug their books/blogs in his answer.  He’s helped numerous authors promote their work thus far.

The Mighty Potenate sees the purpose of Alien Jones’ column as threefold – 1) Help promote BQB’s blog 2) Help promote other authors so that humans have more entertainment choices besides reality TV and 3) educate humans, who are currently considered one of the dumbest species in the universe, second only to the dreaded Moloklaxons, the so-called a-holes of the universe who die off in large numbers every year due to open mouth rain related drownings.

Mr. Jones, who, as you can see above, is sexless, is not a male or a female, but allows himself to be referred to as a male as our primitive Earth languages don’t have the ability to properly refer to a sentient being that is asexual.

Also, his name is not Jones, however, he uses this alias as you wouldn’t be able to pronounce his actual moniker without great strain on your tongue and vocal chords.

Privately, Alien Jones has doubts about the Mighty Potentate’s decision to designate BQB as “the Chosen One.”  He’ll never admit that publicly because he doesn’t want to be vaporized.

Constantly busy, assisting BQB is one of AJ’s many duties.  He is also a diplomat, warrior, scientist, space explorer, and chief advisor to the Mighty Potentate (which more or less requires him to say “yes” or be vaporized.)

Alien Jones’ government mandated life mate is Alien Rosencrantz.  There’s not really much romance there, rather, the Mighty Potentate has created one giant buddy system, as all of his alien subjects are the product of a laboratory based cloning process.

Thus, replacing an alien is incredibly expensive, so aliens are required to look out for their life mates.  Failure to do so results in vaporization, which ironically, leads to the need of a replacement alien clone.

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Sep 30 2015
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The Bookshelf Battleverse

A Guide to the Bookshelf Battleverse – Part 3 – BQB’s Family and BQB HQ

VIDEO GAME RACK FIGHTER

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For the longest time, BQB believed he was too nerdy to find love.  Who’d ever want to be in a relationship with the owner of a blog that only has 3.5 readers?

That all changed when he went on an epic quest to discover the meaning of life and met Victoria Gloria Somersby Stratenhaus, aka Video Game Rack Fighter.

It was love at first sight and they’ve been together ever since.  They have so much in common that it is uncanny.

Similarities include:

  • BQB owns a magic bookshelf that brings literary characters to life.  VGRF once claimed to own a magic video game rack that brings video game characters to life, though SPOILER ALERT later admitted she made it all up as an escape from the hum drum doings of everyday life.  Try not to judge her though.  BQB didn’t.
  • BQB is the assistant to the assistant of the vice president of corporate assistance for Beige Corp, the world’s premiere producer of beige products and accessories.  VGRF is the assistant to the assistant of the vice president for corporate assistance for Drying Paint Media, the number one streaming media site for films of paint drying on walls.  By day, they both go to their appointed boring jobs.  By night, BQB pursues his dream of becoming a published author while VGRF designs video games of her own.
  • Their pets include Bookshelf Q. Battledog and Video Game Rack Fighter Cat
  • BQB’s arch nemesis is the Yeti.  VGRF’s enemy is the Sasquatch.

Among her many achievements, Ms. Fighter is the current world reigning champion of the uber violent video game, Car Thief Mayhem.

Uncle Hardassimo “Hardass” K. Scrambler

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While alive, Uncle Hardass’ favorite past times included 1) working at the salt mines (as in he actually dug salt out of the Earth for Salt Mines, Inc.) and 2) complaining about anything and everything.

Mr. Scrambler despises writers, decrying them with chants of, “Oooo! La dee da!  Look at me!  I’m a writer!  I have thoughts and opinions the world needs to hear!  SHUT UP AND GET A JOB AT THE SALT MINES, HIPPY!”

Invariably, Uncle Hardass’ advice for anyone’s problems is to get a job at the salt mines.

Sadly, Mr. Scrambler died of a massive heart attack several years back, which he claimed with his last dying breath was the result of his intense disappointment with his nephew’s decision to pursue a writing career.

BQB disputes that and argues it was the result of a life long love affair with baloney sandwiches.

Either way, BQB was not freed of his uncle’s constant tirades.  Uncle Hardass’ ghost haunts the halls of BQB HQ today.

Oddly, despite Mr. Scrambler’s hatred of writing, he regularly writes a column entitled “Things That Really Frost My Ass” which is more or less a laundry list of crap that is bothering the old timer at any given moment.

AUNT GERTIE

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Aunt Gertie had been one of BQB’s 3.5 readers for awhile, though she recently quit, calling her nephew’s blog too pedestrian.  After Uncle Hardass’ death, she moved to the Decrepit Oaks Elderly Living Center, on the auspices that she needed help with the daily chores of life, but in actuality, to meet old dudes to get jiggy with.

BOOKSHELF BATTLE HEADQUARTERS

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Uncle Hardass left explicit instructions in his will that his modest colonial style house was to be blown up rather than be left to his incompetent good for nothing wannabe writer nephew, Bookshelf Q. Battler.

Always the pushover, Gertie ignored her late husband’s wishes and gave the home to BQB anyway.

Upon taking ownership, BQB used the power of his magic bookshelf to construct large fortress like walls around his aunt and uncle’s formerly modest home.

His neighbors consider BQB HQ to be a real eyesore, petitioning frequently to have it torn down.  The Mayor of BQB’s hometown (East Randomtown) ignores them, as he believes BQB’s blog is the only claim to fame his town will ever have.

BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLEDOG

BQBD

He may not look like much on the outside, but BQBD is a killer attack papillon, who to date, has eaten over twenty intruders alive.  He serves as the Chief of Security of Bookshelf Battle Headquarters.

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Sep 30 2015
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The Bookshelf Battleverse

A Guide to the Bookshelf Battleverse – Part 2 – The Magic Bookshelf Characters

THE MAGIC BOOKSHELF CHARACTERS

The tiny literary characters who call BQB’s bookshelf home come and go.  They’re free to hang out on the shelf as they please, or to open up their books and return to the pages of their stories as they see fit.

Regulars, or those characters who prefer hanging out on BQB’s shelf (often spreading out to the rest of his house to eat all his food and break all his stuff) include:

THE INCORRIGIBLE MUNROE

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The protagonist of Alexander T. Buttercross’ novel of 1920’s angst and ennui amongst the upper class, Sidney Munroe spent most of his waking hours developing a larger than life persona, chasing money and spending lavishly on parties at his luxurious estate outside of Chicago, all as a pretense toward becoming a great man that could win the heart of his lady love, the cold and aloof Jenny.

SPOILER ALERT:  Since Munroe croaks at the end of The Incorrigible Munroe (and doesn’t even get to score with Jenny), he much prefers hanging out at BQB HQ all day, watching BQB’s cable and running up BQB’s cable bill with pay per view movies.

As a habit, Munroe often refers to BQB as “Young Duffer” (as he usually does to everyone else).

On the outside, BQB and Munroe couldn’t be more different.  Monroe is cool and handsome.  BQB is a nerd.

However, they have long been fast friends, bonding over how much time they spent feeling sad about women who couldn’t give a crap about them (i.e. Monroe over Jenny and BQB over Blandie.)

They spent many a night crying to one another over their woes until they both found chicks over the summer of 2015.  (More on BQB’s chick later.)

Monroe’s currently canoodling with:

ANARA “ANNIE” MISTWAKE

Queen Anara "Annie" Mistwake and her horse before it was transformed into a damn pegasus.

Queen Anara “Annie” Mistwake and her horse before it was transformed into a damn pegasus.

Annie is one of 10,985 main characters in Joel L.L. Torrow’s epic fantasy series, A Dirge of Murder and Betrayal.  BQB has long been an admirer of Mr. Torrow’s work, especially his ability to polish off a dozen characters every day before breakfast.

Though he’s known her for years, Annie insists on introducing herself to BQB with each and every one of her titles, and she does this every time she sees him, even if she leaves the room to get a snack only to come back five minutes later.

This introduction goes:

“I am Anara Mistwake of the Family Zoovarin, Keeper of the Legacy, Shimbala of the Lowlands, Destroyer of Demons, Aunt of the Pegasus, Queen of the Kingdom of Wentzlendale, the Mountain Clifftops, and the Impenetrable Isles, Protector of the Enchanted Gem, and the Oligarch of the Forbidden Fields.”

Imagine hearing that twenty times a day.

Depressed over losing her husband to a pack of fearsome ogres, Annie sought comfort by throwing herself at Munroe, who did not complain one bit, Young Duffer.

TESSA FIRESWARM

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Tessa is by far the most unruly of all the magic bookshelf characters, shooting explosive arrows all over BQB’s home with reckless abandon or concern for the consequences.  She’s the main character of Arrowblast, a series of Young Adult novels in which a band of plucky teenagers with little to no battlefield experience or training manage to take down the cruel and unjust ruler of an unjust dystopian future regime.

She’s like the angsty teenage daughter BQB never had (or at times, wanted), except when she gets mad, she blows shit up.

THE CROSSANTIER CHILDREN

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Stars of the fantasy book series in which a group of French siblings wander down a mysterious hatch they find underneath their laundry hamper, only to find themselves in a magical world where they must battle a hideous crone with the help of Jesus in the form of an Aardvark.  Who among you didn’t spend a portion of your youth with your nose buried in a copy of The Aardvark, the Crone, and the Hamper Hatch?

Tessa is not a fan, thus BQB finds himself having to save the Crossantier children from being blown up on a regular basis.

ATTORNEY’S NOTE

At this point, BQB’s attorney, Delilah K. Donnelly, finds it necessary to inform you that any similarities you may have found between actual books is either unintended, some nonsense you made up in your dumb head, or more likely, just for parody purposes only.

However, the following characters hail from books whose authors have been stone cold dead for ages, thus leaving them free to let it all hang out on the magic shelf:

SHERLOCK HOLMES AND DR. WATSON 

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Much to Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s dismay, Sherlock and Watson run around BQB HQ all day long, solving mysteries and taking copious notes on all of BQB’s activities, right down to his bowel movements, as Holmes is nothing but thorough and believes that even the most seemingly inconsequential detail could one day become a case cracking clue.

THE THREE MUSKEETERS PLUS D’ARTAGNAN

D'artagnan not pictured.

                   D’artagnan not pictured.

The Three Musketeers Plus D’Artagnan wander around BQB HQ, claiming all of BQB’s shit (from his remote control to his bathmat) in the name of the King of France and looking for agents of the Cardinal to pick fights with.

For years, BQB has been asking them why they’re “The Three Musketeers” when there’s four of them for years.  They’ve yet to provide a satisfactory answer.

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Sep 30 2015
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The Bookshelf Battleverse

A Guide to the Bookshelf Battleverse – Part 1 – BQB, the 3.5 readers and the Magic Bookshelf

For those just tuning in, here’s the rundown on the who’s who and what’s what vis a vis this blog:

Bookshelf Q. Battler

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Eduardo Ricardo Papageorgio Von Finklestein, better known by his codename, “Bookshelf Q. Battler,” is the illustrious host of a modest book blog that caters to a resounding 3.5 readers.  He estimates that his web stats could grow as high as 4.5 by the end of the year, as he is aggressively lobbying for the support an inhabitant of Racine, Wisconsin, who once said, and this is direct quote, “this blog is OK, I guess.”

It was the Bookshelf Battle Blog’s most notable review to date.

A graduate of the Advanced Science Institute of Science University (under the tutelage of Dr. Hugo Von Science), BQB pursued a career in writing after graduation.  After being dumped by his then girlfriend, the exceptionally awful in every way Bland Life Settler aka “Blandie” over how little money he made from this endeavor, BQB decided to dump writing altogether and pursue a career in business instead, even going so far as to obtain a business degree from the Advanced Business Institute of Business University.

In an ironic twist of fate, the economy tanked and the best employment BQB was able to find was as a lowly assistant to the assistant of the vice president of Beige Corp, the world’s premiere producer of beige products and accessories.  (Our Motto: Dare to blend in!)

One day while drawing his sorrows in a grande stuffed burrito, Taco Bell’s finest offering, the following notion popped into the mind of our favorite nerd:

You’re not old.  You’re not dead.  The technology is available.  If you want to be a writer, then be a writer.

P.S. Yum I love this burrito.

And with that, the Bookshelf Battle Blog was born and the 3.5 readers have been entertained ever since.

THE 3.5 READERS

One of BQB's satisfied readers.

One of BQB’s satisfied 3.5 readers.

Ever the optimistic pessimist, BQB believes fame and fortune await him as a writer one day, but he realizes that day is far, far away, and given his luck, will probably come long after he’s dead, if it’s ever coming at all.

Overnight success stories are rare in the blogging world, and thus BQB, much like a turtle, has adopted a “slow and steady wins the race” approach.

While many aspiring writers call it a day if they don’t have a million readers within 3.5 seconds, BQB is prepared to blog away for a million years for the benefit of only 3.5 readers.

Is our blog host mad?  No  As long as 3.5 people show up to the Bookshelf Battle Blog every day, BQB views it as his duty, NAY HIS PRIVILEGE to entertain them.

You don’t need an audience big enough to fill Carnegie Hall to perform.  All you need is 3.5 fans.

Is 3.5 the actual number?  The number fluctuates from time to time, depending on various weather conditions and technological advancements, but mostly if BQB is making fart jokes.  Despite occasional blips, BQB can always count on his baseline of 3.5 readers who show up everyday come rain, hail, snow, sleet, or days when he has nothing to talk about other than his love of waffles.

THE MAGIC BOOKSHELF

Where the magic happens.

Where the magic happens.

A world renowned poindexter, reviewer of books, movies and assorted cultural happenings as well as a champion yeti fighter, Mr. Battler or “BQB” as the 3.5 call him, is also the owner of a magic bookshelf.  Whenever a book is placed on this shelf, its characters come to life in tiny versions of themselves, only to then wage war against one another over limited shelf space.  Sadly, this leads to BQB spending most of his free time mediating bookshelf related territorial disputes.

Only the top shelf of the BQB’s bookcase is magical.  The rest of the shelves are normal.

From whence doth the magic bookshelf draw its power?  Some say it was forged from wood scavenged from the Ark of the Covenant.  Others say King Arthur commissioned Merlin to create in.  Still others note there’s a damn “Office Supply Depot” sticker on the back of the shelf that warrants further investigation.

No one, not even Bookshelf Q. Battler himself, knows for sure.  As an infant, BQB was abandoned by his parents, who left him and the shelf on the doorstep of his Aunt Gertie and Uncle Hardass.  No note.  No explanation.  Mr. and Mrs. Papageorgio Von Finkelstein simply dumped their little nerd and ran off, never to be heard from again.

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Sep 29 2015
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#31ZombieAuthors

#31ZombieAuthors – The Lineup – October 11-20

It’s a cornucopia of zombie fiction all stars here on the Bookshelf Battle Blog in October.

Here’s who will take BQB’s space phone call Oct 11-20.

Links will take you to authors’ Amazon pages.

DAY 11 – Rachel Aukes 

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Rachel has introduced a new generation of literary nerds to a classic by zombie-fying Dante’s Inferno (as well as Alighieri’s other works) in her Deadland Saga.  Coincidentally, I end up feeling like I’m stuck in hell when I’m trapped in a small room with Blandie, my perpetually angry ex-girlfriend amidst the East Randomtown Zombie Apocalypse.  Luckily, this USA Today bestselling author will offer me some words of wisdom.

DAY 12 – Joe McKinney

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The man.  The myth.  The legend.  One of the biggest names in the zombie fiction game will humble this book nerd with an interview October 12.  Joe got in on the ground floor of the mid-2000’s zombie renaissance with Dead City, the first book in his highly popular Dead World series, and has been going on stronger than a zombie who just caught a brain whiff ever since.  (Watch out, Joe, those dudes behind you look a tad peckish.)

Joe’s a longtime Texas police officer, a dad, and yet somehow amidst these important commitments, he managed to win the Horror Writer Association’s Bram Stoker Award.  Meanwhile, one time I tried to write a novel, got distracted, and ended up watching a Steven Seagal action movie marathon instead.

Needless to say, I bet Joe will be able to dispense a pep talk that will inspire me to get my act together.

DAY 13 – Michael Cairns

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This year, Michael’s a man on a mission.  The Thirteen Roses author began 2015 with a challenge to publish 15 books (including works he’s written previously.)  He’s been keeping a daily video log of his progress and will talk to yours truly about how its going.  Also, we’ll trade follicle stimulation tips.  However, note that I’m not asking for me but for a friend.

DAY 14 – Kate L. Mary 

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A busy mother of four and U.S. Air Force wife, Kate will tell my 3.5 readers all about her Broken World books. Her claim that she prefers “nerds over hunks” intrigues me, causing me to grill her over this claim extensively.  Here’s hoping this interview is the victory over hunks that nerds have long waited for.

DAY 15 – Peter Meredith

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As my 3.5 readers are aware, I was once so wrapped up in finding the meaning of life, that I actually went on an epic adventure to find it.  Thus, I can relate to Peter Meredith, who worked in real estate, as an emergency room nurse, and finally as a lighting company CEO before embracing his true passion, writing.  The Apocalypse Crusade author will advise us on finding the calling that brings joy to your life.

DAY 16 – Saul Tanpepper

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Zombies. Video games.  Sure, we all love hits like Resident Evil and Dead Rising, but Saul “upped his game” by combing zombies and video games in his Gameland series, in which players actually control the undead and a group of hackers get trapped in the middle of the mayhem.  Seen above in Peanuts form, Saul will also give me the 411 on how to improve my book blog.

Yeah, I know 3.5 readers, I should probably start by reviewing a book once in awhile.

DAY 17 – Jeremy Laszlo

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Jeremy Lazlo once attempted the traditional publishing approach, but when a publishing industry intern accidentally hit the “reply all” button and Jeremy received a snarky email in which said intern was joking about how he’d just batch rejected 600 authors, the fruitful self-publishing career of the Left Alive author was born.  This marine will give me the lowdown on how to balance writing with everything else that happens in life (motivation that I sorely need) and will answer that age old question – Orcs vs. zombies?  Who wins?

DAY 18 – Deirdre Gould 

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 Most zombie apocalypse stories feature characters in a never ending battle for survival.  Deirdre, on the other hand, asks us to consider what would happen After the Cure.  In her series, a cure for a zombie-fying virus has been found.  The Infected have returned back to humans again, but now have to live with the grim realization of what they’ve done.

Personally, I feel bad when I eat too many peanut M and M’s so I have to assume I’d be pretty down in the dumps if I were to ever eat a human.

DAY 19 – Eric A. Shelman

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We’re all aspiring writers around here, aren’t we, 3.5 readers?  Thus, we can learn a lot from Eric Shelman.

In 1999, after co-authoring and publishing a non-fiction book about Mary Ellen Wilson, the first case of a child rescued from abuse in in 1874, Eric turned his attention toward fiction.  He wrote about a serial killer, then shelved it.  Then he wrote about witches, and shelved that attempt too.

In 2011, he was inspired by seeing a number of zombie fiction writers gain popularity on Facebook, so much so that he gave it another go and has been successfully publishing the Dead Hunger series ever since.

It’s never too late to try again, 3.5 readers.

Also, is it me or does he look like an awesome dude in that cowboy hat?  Kind of has a Raylynn Givens from Justified vibe going.

DAY 20 – Rachel Higginson

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I have a bad habit of being one of those “glass half empty kind of guys,” especially when it comes to love.  It’s hard enough to find that special someone in civilized times that I’m skeptical as to whether or not romance can bloom amidst zombie mayhem.  The author of Love and Decay will set me straight and explain how she’s applied a serialized television style format to her writing that has led to success.

It all starts Oct. 1, right here on bookshelfbattle.com!

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Sep 28 2015
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#31ZombieAuthors

And Now a Message From the East Randomtown Mall

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Come for the…well, we’re not sure what you’d come for, since there are only three stores still open. Thanks Internet.

Stay for the…oh, who we are kidding?

But we’re pleased to announce that this Thursday, Oct. 1, Dr. Hugo Von Science will be demonstrating his latest invention, the Reality TV Star Transmogrifier, which he claims has the ability to change reality TV stars from useless wastes of space into productive members of society.

Test subjects include that hot chick who put out a sex tape with an NFL player, Jenna Simone of Just Jenna, the Streibcheck brothers of Toilet Catastrophes, and the crew of Stereotypical Italian New Jerseyians.

Dr. Hugo asked us to announce that his device has been fully tested and absolutely no one will be turned into zombies.  Hmm.  That’s kind of a weird announcement but what do we know?  He’s the doctor.

So come on down.  This show is totally free, but please, buy something, will you?

#31Zombie Authors begins Oct. 1!  Sarah Lyons Fleming of the Until the World End Series will kick things off by teaching BQB how to pack the perfect bug out bag, perfect to keep by your door in case you need to flee a zombie attack in a jiffy!

Check out the Oct. 1-10 lineup here.

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