Monthly Archives: February 2017

RIP Bill Paxton

Hey 3.5 readers.

Sad news as actor Bill Paxton has died at 61 due to complications from surgery.  Off the top of my head, his most memorable credits include playing the dick older brother in Weird Science, that dick who pretends to be a spy in order to seduce Jamie Lee Curtis in True Lies and that dick in Aliens who shouts, “Game over, man.”

Yes, he build a career on playing dicks but he wasn’t a dick in real life.

 

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Toilet Gator – Chapter 1

LAST WEEK ON TOILET GATOR…

Network News One reporter Natalie Brock happens upon the scene after Countess Cucamonga dies a mysterious death…on the toilet.

Bookshelf Battle

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After the show, a tired, sweaty, worn-out Countess Cucamonga walked through a backstage hallway. She was flanked on each side by her burly, bald-headed, sunglass sporting security goons. Meanwhile, her dutiful manager Irving, a spindly little twerp stuffed in a designer suit, heaped praise on his client.

“Outstanding performance, Countess,” Irving said. “Positively outstanding. Butt Peace is climbing the charts even faster than Buttstravaganza ever did.”

“What fabulous news, darling,” the Countess replied.

“I think we’re going to see a dramatic decline in violent outbreaks across the world thanks to your song,” Irving said.

“Yes, well, I do what I can darling,” the Countess said. “I really do.”

Irving craned his neck to see that his client was being followed down the hall by Natalie Brock. Struggling to keep up behind the affiliate reporter was Walter, her hefty, huffing and puffing cameraman.

“Goddamn it, Walter,” Natalie said. “Hurry up. We’re…

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Toilet Gator – Network News One Transcript #1

LAST WEEK ON TOILET GATOR…

Network News One affiliate reporter Natalie Brock was assigned to cover the highly anticipated return tour of pop star Countess Cucamonga.

Bookshelf Battle

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Network News One Transcript #1

(Open on Kurt Manley, stereotypically perfect looking news anchor, complete with square jaw, perfect hair and teeth).

KURT MANLEY: Witnesses on the scene reported that the Pope was heard to say, “That’s the last time I’ll go to Tijuana without a passport and a reach around. Coming up in the next hour, the ayatollah has released a series of photos of himself mooning a paper mache version of the president. Also, there’s a new report out in which seventeen out of twenty scientists claim that one of the breakfast cereals in your pantry might cause you to literally vomit out your entire spleen. We’ll tell you which cereal that is after sports and weather. But first, controversial pop star Countess Cucamonga is kicking off her highly anticipated comeback tour tonight. We take you live to Miami, where our local affiliate…Jesus…local affiliate…is that the best we…

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Toilet Gator Sundays Continue…

Just when you thought it was safe to drop a deuce…

toilet-gator-book-1

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BQB’s Annual #OscarsSoPretty Speech

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Noted Ugly Rights Advocate Bookshelf Q. Battler

Beauty.  They say it’s in the eye of the beholder but the eyes of the world will never behold the sight of an ugly man up on the big screen.  Buck tooth, speak the truth, bad skin, let them in, warts, schmorts, boils, schmoils, you’ve got a zit, who gives a shit?

Oh, I’m tired 3.5 readers.  I’m tired, tired, tired I say I am tired of the chains of oppression that have been cast upon my aesthetically challenged brothers and sisters.  Go tell it on the mountain for Jesus Christ is born and Jesus said unto all of us that he loves the little children, all the little children of the world, black and yellow, red or white, all are beautiful in his sight and he also thinks you’re beautiful if you’re ugly.

We didn’t choose to look like Plymouth Rock landed on our faces.  We were born looking like it landed on us!  We were just born that way.  Consult with Lady Gaga and she’ll tell you that we were born this way-ay, we were born this way-ay, we are on the right track baby and we were born this way-ay.

In a perfect world, the ugly man and the handsome man should be friends, neighbors, brothers.  But alas, this world is far, so very far from perfect and therefore, that vile demon known as anti-ugly prejudice rears its ugly head from time to time, looking to take a bite out of the hides of anyone looking to walk down the righteous path to a glorious future where the ugly and the pretty walk hand in hand on the road to tomorrow.

The statistics don’t lie, folks.  Praise be to the statisticians for they do not lie.  According to the Fake Institute for Bogus Research, 99.999% of all ugly people will experience some type of anti-ugly discrimination within their lifetime.  The other .001% were too ugly to be given the reporting form.  They tried to get one and the person handing out the form was all like, “Go away!  You’re too damn ugly!”

An ugly man can’t hail a cab because the cab drivers think the ugly man is some kind of hideous mutant.  An ugly man can’t get a job because the boss only wants to stare at pretty people all day.  An ugly man can’t rent an apartment because the landlord doesn’t want an ugly man living in his building, uglying up the place.  An ugly man can’t get served at a restaurant because none of the waitresses want to look at his ugly ass.  An ugly man can’t get a date because he’s just too damn ugly.

Did you know that the top one percent of the most handsome men in the world are pulling down 100% of the most beautiful babes?  That’s babe distributive inequality.  We need to convert to a communistic system whereby we redistribute the babes so that the ugly man gets a chance.

By the way, ugly sisters, know that by “ugly man” I incorporate you into this speech and besides, it’s technically accurate because you all look like men anyway.

But enough about the daily struggles of the ugly man.  Let’s talk about that bastion of anti-ugly discrimination known as the Academy Awards.

Say it loud.  Say it proud.  The Oscars are too damn pretty.  Let me hear you say it.  Oh Lord, have mercy on all those pretty people for they know not what they do to the ugly.  The Oscars are too damn pretty.  Can you hear me Lord?  Can you hear this ugly man all the way down here hiding in his ugly cave?  Can you hear me all the way up there in heaven on your white, fluffy cloud?  Lord, I say it now and I’ll say it again.  The Oscars are too damn pretty.  #OscarsSoPretty

Praise be to Jesus.  Now there was a swarthy, handsome ass man but he never turned his nose up to an ugly member of his flock.  No sir.  You think Jesus looked the other way when the lepers came a-calling?  Was Jesus like, “No, I can’t help you ugly ass lepers?”  No.  Jesus washed the ugly ass feet of those ugly ass lepers.  That’s what he did.

And my friends, if Jesus, the sexiest savior ever, was able to turn the other cheek and wash the greasy, grimy, fungus encrusted feet of those ugly lepers, then surely, I say surely, those beautiful people in Hollywood should be able to throw some Oscar love the way of our ugly brother, Mr. Michael Shannon, for his turn as a crazy cop in Nocturnal Animals.

Yes, my hideous brothers and sisters, I dream of a day when an ugly actor is hired to play a pillar of the community but for now an ugly actor playing a crazy person will have to do.  That is our lot in life.  People see how ugly we are and they don’t assume that we just dipped our toe into the bad side of the gene pool.  No, they see our ugliness and they assume we are bad people due to how ugly we are, never taking a look as to how pretty we are on the inside.

Can I get an Amen?  Can I get a Hallelujah?  Can I get a garden salad, hold the dressing because Lord knows that fat is considered ugly and I wouldn’t want to offend the pretty people who have, for far too long run the world.

Pretty privilege is real, folks.  Pretty privilege is real.  If you are pretty, you have talent managers tripping over each other to give you a multi-million dollar movie deal.  If you are ugly, the best you can hope for is that a fast food joint will hire you to sit in the back and put together the happy meals but only if you put a bag over your face and promise not to scare the children like the bridge troll you are.

Hear us, Academy!  Hear us, and hear us well.  There are so many ugly people in the world. People who look like they got beaten with every inch of the ugly stick.  People who look like God took them out of the oven early, when there was still five minutes of baking left, and now they’re all gross and dumpy and lumpy and yet you know they still taste just as good as a fresh batch.

These ugly people are tired of going to the movies by themselves because no one will go with them on a date and seeing no one as ugly as they are on the screen.  Sure, maybe once in a blue moon, an ugly person will be given a part, but that part is usually based on a stereotypical view of an ugly person.

Ugly actors, those brave souls who ventured off to Hollywood in pursuit of an acting career, ignoring the advice of friends and family who told them they were too ugly to act, deserve better parts than, “mugger number five” or “homicidal madman pervert number four” or “bridge troll that kidnaps the princess and tries to eat her before he is saved by the prince.”

We want more ugly actors and actresses on the big screen and we want to see them playing big, beautiful, respectable parts.  We want to know that we are loved by Hollywood despite our wretched ugliness.  Most importantly, we want all the little ugly children of the world to be able to turn on the Oscars, see an ugly actor/actress take home a statue and say, “If that ugly person can make it, then an ugly little kid like me can make it too.”

Ugly brothers and sisters, cast off the paper bags that society has put over our ugly heads for far too long.  Shout it loud and proud, “We’re here.  We’re ugly.  Get used to it.”

In conclusion, #OscarsSoPretty.  Thank you for listening, my fellow ugly Americans, and now, please, put your paper bags back on because you’re all too ugly for me and I’m super duper double triple quadruple strength ugly.

Godspeed, Brother Shannon.  Oh how I will weep tears of everlasting joy upon seeing your ugly face on the screen with an Oscar in your hand.  Only then will I know that the cause of the put upon ugly man has been taken seriously by the pretty masses in our ugly lifetime.

 

 

 

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If I Get 3,500 WordPress Followers…

Hey 3.5 readers.

So it has come to my attention that it is possible to hire a dude on Fiverr who will literally record a video of himself juggling a chainsaw with the name of your website written on the saw.

God bless you, Internet.

At the time of this post, I have 2,068 WordPress followers.  When I get to 3,500 I will hire chainsaw man to make a video and post it here.

So…hit that follow button.  Tell your friends.  3,500 WordPress followers = super awesome chainsaw juggling video.

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BQB’s Oscar Predictions – Best Picture

Hey 3.5 readers.

OK.  The coveted best picture award.  Who will win?

Let’s talk about Hollywood’s many problems this year.

First of all, if you love Donald Trump or if you hate Donald Trump, I feel like the whole “let’s make the awards shows super political” trend has been backfiring on Hollywood.  The average person goes to movies for entertainment purposes.  The average person turns on the Oscars for entertainment purposes.  The average person will make up their mind on politics based on their own beliefs, values, research, what have you.  There really won’t be any people saying, “Huh, that celebrity thinks this so I should think this.”

It also comes off as a bit disingenuous.  I mean, these people live lives the average person can’t possibly fathom.  They wear suits and gowns to an event that cost more than the average salaries of like 50 people combined and then they probably just throw those clothes away and never wear them again.

They live in fancy mansions, can buy whatever they want and get paid piles of money to play pretend all day.  Some do a better job of reaching out to those in need than others but all in all, I just don’t see any of these celebrities opening up one of the several homes they own to shelter poor people in need.  Hell, if they took like a one percent pay cut the people who fetch their coffee on set could probably earn a living wage.

All I’m saying is that it’s better to do than to say.  Celebrities say a lot.  They don’t do a lot and it’s ironic because they’re in a better position to do than anyone.

3.5 READERS: Do you have a point, BQB?

Yes.  Thank you, 3.5.

This year, the Best Picture Nominees are:

Arrival

Fences

Hacksaw Ridge

Hell or High Water

Hidden Figures

La La Land

Lion

Manchester by the Sea

Moonlight

WHO SHOULD WIN:  Though I haven’t seen it, my gut tells me any film but La La Land.  The plight of the forgotten, struggling people who keep working but never get ahead has been forefront on the public’s mind this past year.

Reflecting that mindset, you’ve got Fences, about a father who is poor and has been knocked around and yells at his son to stop dreaming about becoming a football player and get a regular, boring job and it becomes hard to tell whether the father is trying to give the kid tough love by telling him to stop chasing pie in the sky dreams and focus on reality or if the old man is so pissed off that he never made it that he feels inner jealousy at the idea of his son doing better than him.

You’ve got Hell or High Water, about two brothers cheated out of the family farm by a corrupt bank so they go on a bank robbery spree as an act of revenge against the bank that done them wrong.  The idea that people who depended on farms, factories, and other ever dwindling blue collar jobs are being forgotten is prevalent in the film.

In Manchester by the Sea, a troubled man has to raise his nephew when his brother dies.  Stepping up to do more when a relied upon family member dies is something the average people can relate to.

Moonlight – Cuban born drug dealer tries to be a part of his bullied son’s life.  A lot of people can relate to bullying, struggles with drugs and drug related crime, trying to make it as an immigrant and so on.

Hacksaw Ridge – Son tired of seeing his father beat his mother becomes so disgusted by violence that he refuses to carry a gun when he signs up to become a World War II army medic and overcomes threats of court martial and imprisonment due to his refusal to carry a weapon.  His abhorrence of violence drives him to become the best medic ever, single handedly saving tons of wounded men by dragging them down the side of Hacksaw Ridge on a rope while Japanese forces are in hot pursuit.

Hidden Figures – In the 1960s, black women overcome stereotypical views held by society about black people and women to become mathematicians, helping America win the space race.

Lion – An Indian kid gets so hopelessly lost that he is unable to find his family again.  He is adopted by an Australian couple, then years later, uses Google to locate his original family, thus highlighting how new forms of technology have helped people who in the past were not able to be helped.

La La Land – Gosling and Stone fall and love and sing and dance and shit.

WHAT WILL WIN: La La Land.  And, OK, I haven’t seen it.  Maybe it’s good.  But this is the problem.  Hollywood already gave the Oscar to a shitty love letter film to Hollywood’s greatness called Birdman in 2014, and that movie was truly a pile of crap.  It really was.

So I just think Hollywood is going to end up with a lot of egg on its face this year.  All the stars are going to rant and rave about how the government doesn’t do enough about poverty and how no one worries about poor struggling people and then all of the films about poor struggling people are going to get screwed over in honor of the film about two pretty people who have nothing better to do than fall in love and sing and dance and shit.

 

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BQB’s Oscar Predictions – Best Actor/Actress – Supporting Actor/Actress

Hey 3.5 readers.  A reminder, the Oscars are too pretty.  We ugly people are tired of not seeing anyone as ugly as we are on the silver screen.  We’re here.  We’re ugly.  Get used to our wretched ugliness.  #OscarsSoPretty

However, if you want to check out the anti-ugly Oscars between Walking Dead commercial breaks, it’s a free country.

Here are my Oscar predictions:

BEST ACTOR

THE NOMINEES:

Casey Affleck – Manchester by the Sea

Ryan Gosling – La La Land

Andrew Garfield – Hacksaw Ridge

Viggo Mortensen – Captain Fantastic

Denzel Washington – Fences

WHO SHOULD WIN:  Denzel is getting up there in years, though he’s still hanging in there.  He’s won before, but this might be one of the last few chances for him to take home Oscar gold before he moves into that stage where he starts playing Grampa.  Viggo Mortensen has also been a staple of Hollywood for a long time but has yet to take home a statue.

WHO WILL WIN:  Either Casey Affleck, because Hollywood loves the Afflecks, or Ryan Gosling because it appears that La La Land is going to sweep the awards.  If I have to choose, I’ll go with Gosling.

BEST ACTRESS

Isabelle Huppert – Elle

Ruth Negga – Loving

Natalie Portman – Jackie

Emma Stone – La La Land

Meryl Streep – Florence Foster Jenkins

WHO SHOULD WIN: Emma Stone.  She’s a rare combination of beauty and personality, a hot chick who seems like she’s read a book.  Though she’s young, she’s been in the entertainment game a long time and Hollywood loves her.  Had Natalie Portman not taken home the gold for Black Swan, I’d say give it to her though since she’s been in the game longer.  As for Meryl Streep, she really doesn’t need another one.

WHO SHOULD WIN:  Emma Stone.  All reports indicate it is La La Land’s year.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR

NOMINEES:

Masherala Ali – Moonlight

Jeff Bridges – Hell or High Water

Lucas Hedges – Manchester by the Sea

Dev Patel – Lion

Michael Shannon – Nocturnal Animals

WHO SHOULD WIN: Michael Shannon.  The ugly have been denied their due for far too long.  Shannon has made a career off of playing evil villains and weirdoes due to society’s stereotypical, predisposed notions that all ugly people are evil villains and/or weirdos.  I’d rather see him win for playing a respectable person, but the fact that Hollywood allowed an ugly person on screen at all is miraculous, so we have to take baby steps whenever we can.  Normally, when a movie calls for an ugly character, they just use makeup to ugly up a pretty person, so that an actual ugly person was not only allowed to be on screen but also nominated is amazing.

WHO WILL WIN: Masherala Ali.  He is a good actor and you may know him as Remy Danton from House of Cards.  He also stars in Hidden Figures, one of the other nominated films.  Nothing against the guy, I’m just ugly so I feel like I have to root for my fellow uggo Michael Shannon.  Masherala will have many more chances to take home an Oscar, whereas this year Hollywood’s anti-ugly police might realize they fell asleep at the switch by letting Shannon past the gate and then next year they may slam the door on all ugly actors forever.  We uggos have to get while the getting is good.

BEST ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE

Nominees:

Viola Davis – Fences

Naomie Harris – Moonlight

Lion – Nicole Kidman

Octavia Spencer – Hidden Figures

Michelle Williams – Manchester by the Sea

WHO SHOULD WIN:  Tough call.  Out of this group, it’s hard to pick one who will get the short end of the stick because, other than Kidman, they’ve all been getting the aforementioned short end for awhile now.  Viola Davis was nominated for 2009’s Doubt and 2012’s The Help, so she’s due.  Octavia Spencer was nominated for 2012’s The Help so she’s due.  Michelle Williams has been nominated for a slew of films dating back to the mid-2000s Brokeback Mountain so she might even be overdue.  Naomi Harris I haven’t heard much from though better film nerds might tell me what else I’ve seen her in, though as far as I know her performance in Moonlight is deserving.  Hell, even though Nicole Kidman has already won, one might argue even she is getting long in the tooth and while her ex-husband Tom Cruise will be allowed to make Mission Impossible movies until he’s in a wheelchair (and even then), she probably doesn’t have much longer until she starts playing Grandma.  All in all, it’s a deserving group overdue for Oscar love, so it’s hard to pick someone to root for other the others.

WHO WILL WIN:  My frenemy Leo McCoy (the man who once delivered a sandwich to James Van Der Beek) and I will be rooting (even though I just said it was hard) for Michelle Williams, largely because we have fond memories of her playing town slut Jen Lindley on Dawson’s Creek.  However, all reports indicate this is Viola Davis’ year and that works for me as she’s been waiting a long time too.

 

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2017 Oscar Nominated Movies that BQB Has Reviewed

Arrival 

Hacksaw Ridge 

Hell or High Water

Still need to see:

Fences

Hidden Figures

La La Land

Lion

Manchester by the Sea

Moonlight

 

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And Now a Word From My Spokesperson…

Hey 3.5 readers.  Your old pal BQB here.

You know, this March will mark the third year anniversary of this fine blog, and though I love you all,  I must admit that in all of this time I have been sitting back and wondering when one of you readers would get off your shiftless, lazy hides and record a video testimonial of my greatness.

Seeing no such incoming video testimonials, I turned to Fiverr and found this delightful spokesperson, who was happy to educate the masses of my astounding brilliance.

In conclusion, this was the best five dollars I have ever spent and had I known it was possible to get women to say nice things about me by paying them I would have started doing it a long time ago.

Thank you, spokesperson.  That was an awesome testimonial.  In all humility, I truly deserved all of those wonderful compliments.

Meanwhile, this was my first time using Fiverr and I recommend it.  There are all sorts of talented folks waiting there to help you do awesome things with your website, blog, business, etc. so check out Fiverr.com

And finally, my spokesperson did such a fantastic job that I’ll give her a plug.  If you have a gig you’d like to throw her way, you can check out Stayingvintage on Fiverr.com

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