Monthly Archives: December 2018

Daily Discussion with BQB – What Are Your New Year Resolutions?

Hey 3.5 readers.  Your old pal, BQB here.

It’s sad that we don’t always pick a random time of year to start doing better.  Hell, if you realize on October 7th that you’re a blind, stinking drunk alcoholic then you should really stop drinking on October 7th, rather than wait and say, “I’ll just keep drinking and stop on January 1.”

But at any rate, the New Year is often a time to reflect on the past year and to think hopeful thoughts for the incoming year.

In other words, you had such high hopes for change in the past year.  You were going to eat better, exercise more, finally get that project done, save more money, work harder, etc.  Then by March 1 you were freebasing Big Macs while spending your money on losing lotto tickets and using your treadmill as a coat rack.

Think about what you wish you had done in the past year.  Now realize that although it seems so far away, January 1, 2020 will be here in the blink of an eye.  What do you hope will have done by then?  Then, go do it, or do as best as you can to get close to it.

Think about your future self for once.  Your past self, that lousy mooching fuck, didn’t think about your current self, did he? (or she because in the current year, women can be lousy mooching fucks too).

So think about what will make the you that will exist on Jan 1, 2020 and work towards that happiness.  Come on.  Don’t be a lousy mooching fuck, screwing up your present life so future you will have to pay the bill.

Eh, this is all well and good.  I give myself pep talks like this all the time and then in reality, little ever changes.  But maybe you can change.

What are resolutions, 3.5 readers?  Post them in the comments and you never know, maybe on Jan 1, 2020 I’ll revisit this post and congratulate you if you achieved them or subject you to ridicule if you didn’t.

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Daily Discussion with BQB – I Will Try to Discuss More

Hey 3.5 readers.  BQB here.

I blogged less in 2018.  I still blogged a lot, but not as much.  I was making an effort to get Toilet Gator, the best book ever written about toilets, gators, or toilet gators, done.

2019 I will have to blog even less.  I feel 2019 needs to be the year that I turn a profit, otherwise this little enterprise can’t go on forever.

So I will have to focus on books and less on the blog.  That means less writing funny columns and so forth.

At any rate, I will do my best to check in once a day with a daily discussion.  At some point, this blog may just become all about movie reviews and daily discussions.

In the meantime, if you could all start to multiply, I would appreciate it.  Stop being 3.5 readers and start becoming 350,000 readers.

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Movie Review – Outlaw King (2018)

Hey 3.5 readers.

Gotta break it to you, I’m getting old.  Also, it’s the holidays, so I’m eating too much.  The combo means I watch a movie and then boom, I fall asleep and miss twenty minutes here and there and am too lazy to roll it back.

That’s what I did with this film and lost large chunks of time.  Overall, I think it was good.  Sadly, because of my slumber this will be a lousy review.

Remember Mel Gibson’s “Braveheart?”  This is more or less the sequel.  In the aftermath of William Wallace’s defeat during a Scottish vs. English war, the Lords of Scotland surrender and pledge loyalty to King Edward of England.

The truce doesn’t last long as the lords are merely placating their elder lord.  I don’t know his name but he was in Game of Thrones, as is King Edward and no I’m not looking up their names because remember I said this would be a bad review.

When the elder lord dies, his son, Robert the Bruce (Chris Pine) is all like, “Deal’s off, fuck face” and then he runs around Scotland for the rest of the movie either getting his ass kicked or recruiting Scots to fight the English.

Meanwhile, King Edward has a son who is a doofus and it’s one of those toxic father/son relationships where the father always dumps on the son and no matter what the son does, it is never enough, so the son wants to prove himself worthy so he goes apeshit and runs all over Scotland, killing Scots and hanging them and burning up their castles and houses and shit to punish them for siding with Robert.

Ultimately, I don’t know how Robert wins because like I said, every so often I’d fall asleep, lose twenty minutes, then when I’d wake up, more people would be dead.

Note this film has some nice scenes of the Scottish country side but also intense battle scenes.  In fact, I think we take modern warfare for granted.  Yes, I know modern warfare is tough and can be brutal, but just a reminder that roughly 600 years ago, dudes were hacking each other with axes and murdering swans as sacrifices to God so that he would great them the strength to hack their enemies to pieces.  Entrails.  Loss of limbs.  I mean, holy shit.

STATUS: Shelf-worthy.  Maybe some day I’ll watch it with a Diet Coke so I will stay awake.

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Movie Review – Bird Box (2018)

Birds!  In Boxes!

BQB here with a review of the Netflix film, “Bird Box.”

Is it a zombie movie?  No.  It’s somewhat reminiscent of that genre, but also different entirely.

The delightful Sandra Bullock plays Malorie, an expecting pregnant mother (your guess is good as mine because I love Sandy but I assumed her vag had gone sandy years ago but maybe not.  You never know.)

On her way home from a doctor visit, there’s an outbreak of some kind of mysterious force that causes people to commit suicide.  The film establishes all sorts of rules, the most pertinent being that people can’t be outside without a blindfold on.  If they stay indoors, they’re fine, but outside, if their eyes are open then they’ll see something that will make them kill themselves in the most violent, terrifying ways possible, often taking out others with them along the way.

Meanwhile, birds serve as the proverbial canary in the coal mine as they serve as early warning systems, freaking out in their cages and letting humans know that evil is afoot.

Sandy ends up in a house full of survivors, so there’s a bit of a “Walking Dead” feel for a bit.  Sarah Paulson, John Malkovich, B.D. Wong, Trevante Rhodes and others round out the cast.  They go on typical supply runs, somehow managing to navigate the outside world with their eyes closed.

Eventually, Sandy has to make a blind river run in a rowboat with two kids in tow, an unlikely task if there ever was one.

Overall, it’s a good flick.  Scary.  Has a less is more vibe.  It’s less about CGI monsters and gore and more about seeing people’s reactions to the evil playing out before them.  The first few minutes where chaos breaks out really set the scene and get the film moving.

STATUS: Shelf-worthy.  Check it out on Netflix.

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Merry Christmas, 3.5 Readers

Hey 3.5 readers.

Merry Christmas.

I’ve been writing this blog since 2014.  Next March, it will be 5 years.  My Christmas wish is that next year this little enterprise will actually start turning a profit.  Toilet Gator will hopefully come out in 2019 and if a book about an alligator who eats people while they are pooping can’t make me a millionaire then I don’t know what will.

In the meantime, check out one of my books below and if you have a spare 99 cents, feel free to buy one.

What is your Christmas wish?  Discuss in the comments.

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Movie Review – Crazy Rich Asians (2018)

Hey 3.5 readers.  I’m busy getting to my Christmas stuff but just wanted to throw out some love for this movie.  It’s funny and better than your average, run of the mill romantic comedy.

Girl meets boy then finds out he’s rich and she has to struggle to fit in is as old as Cinderella.  But this takes it to a new level.  Rachel has been dating Nick for a year when he takes her to Singapore for a family meeting only to reveal that he’s the heir apparent of a wealthy hotel/real estate mogul family.  They’re rich.  Super rich.  Crazy rich, even.  They spend all their dough on fancy cars and wacky parties, full of vibrant colors and fireworks.  But Nick is also Asia’s most eligible bachelor and that makes Rachel unpopular among the babes who want to be in her position.

Awkwafina is the icing on the cake as Rachel’s wacky friend who teaches her how to make it in the crazy rich Asian scene.

Great movie.  Worth a rental.  Makes me wish I was a crazy rich Asian.

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Movie Review – Aquaman (2018)

So many fish, so little time.

BQB here with a review of “Aquaman.”

I’m just going to say it.  This movie is solid.  I think “Wonder Woman” was better.  There were some parts of this movie that were silly and it’s a half hour too long (two and a half in total) but it’s a feast for the eyes, very beautiful with a lot of colors and great action.

In other words, DC/Warner Brothers screwed the pooch by getting the super friends together first in “Batman vs. Superman” and “Justice League.”  Rather, they should have intro’d all the heroes in their own films with an ongoing subplot that ties them all together i.e. the Marvel model.

Oh well.  Perhaps now that the super heroes are doing the solo act, DC/Warner will be able to figure out their piece of the comic book movie pie.

Suffice to say, Aquaman aka Arthur Curry (Jason Momoa) is half Atlantian and half human, the product of a lighthouse keeper (Don’t know the actor’s name) getting his fuck on with a runaway Atlantian queen (Nicole Kidman).

Note that this is the second movie in recent years where a human fucks a fish person so Hollywood might be into some pervery behind the scenes but I digress.

The hard task here was to make a likable Aquaman, one who is cool and awesome that you want to root for.  The problem is that Aquaman has always been the joke of the superhero universe.  You scoff but think about it.  Given your choice of superpowers, you’d surely choose flight or indestructibility or invisibility or any host of awesome skills before you’d say, “I want to be able to boss dolphins around.”

But the filmmakers lived up to the challenge here.  Arthur lives among humans, an outcast not welcome in Atlantis, using his abilities to save people and is fresh off of helping the JL save the world from Steppenwolf.

Alas, Arthur’s half-brother, King Orm (Patrick Wilson) (the product of a fish person fucking another fish person and call me old fashioned but that’s the way it should be) is solidifying his power with the other fish kingdoms with the help of another fish person king (Dolph Lundgren doing the most acting he’s ever done in his entire career) and seeks to lead a vast army to the surface world to destroy and conquer.

Ergo, it’s up to members of the Atlantian royalty to commit treason and help Arthur overthrow the king.  Those traitors include Vulko (Willem Dafoe who looks out of place in this movie and literally at any minute you end up wondering if he’s just going to look at the screen and break the fourth wall and say, “How the fuck did I end up playing a fish man in this schlock?  I was in Platoon, for Christ’s sake!”

And of course, there’s love interest, Mera, played by Johnny Depp’s one who got away Amber Heard.  Mmm boy, now there’s some sushi I wouldn’t mind in my take-out box.

Hmm.  That comment was probably inappropriate.  Oh well.  Good thing only 3.5 people read this blog.

Did I mention there’s a kickass fight scene in Italy with Black Manta (Yahya Abdul Mateen II?) I enjoyed the visuals but also the entire time as Aquaman and Manta pummeled each other I wanted to call my travel agent and book a trip to this exotic locale.

There are a few moments where it is absurd but the absurdity comes with a bit of self-awareness.  For example, SPOILER ALERT, Willem Dafoe makes a more skeptical than usual face when the long lost, thought to have been executed queen (Kidman) returns.  Heard shrugs it off and tells him, “It’s a long story.  I’ll tell you later.”

I took that as a wink as if the writers were telling me, a member of the audience, “Yeah, we’re sorry we couldn’t think of a reason why she’s back but aren’t you glad she is?  By the way, keep plunking down your ticket money and we’ll tell you why she’s back when we figure it out.”

Overall, the flick is a good time and a sign that if DC/Warner take their time and worry more about putting out good movies rather than rushing to put their characters together, it will pay off.

STATUS: Shelf-worthy.

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Top Ten Observations After Watching A Christmas Story (1983)

Hey 3.5 readers. BQB here. Going over my past Christmas posts. Here’s one about what you can take away from “A Christmas Story.”

Bookshelf Battle

Hey 3.5 readers.

I’ve seen this movie a million times since childhood and happened to watch it again recently.  It’s funny how the older your get, the more things you notice.

Thus, without further ado, and I have to do this quick before the Yeti finds out, it’s my Top Ten Observations About A Christmas Story (1983).

#10 – Life is Hard

Yeah, obvious, but still, I notice this more as an adult than I did as a kid.  As a kid I just thought Ralphie’s father was an old grumpy bastard.  Now I know why he’s old and grumpy.  You work all day and then come home to a house where shit breaks every five minutes and you have to spend all your free time fixing it because if you can’t then you have to shell out some of that money you worked so hard for.  No wonder the old…

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Top Ten Christmas Movies

Hey 3.5 readers. BQB here. Reblogging my list of my favorite Christmas movies. What’s your favorite? Did it make the list?

Bookshelf Battle

Ho ho ho 3.5 readers.

Jingle bells, the Yeti smells, BQB is still in captivity.

But that’s ok because I have my ways of getting around the Yeti.

Did you know you can help rid BQB HQ of Yeti rule by following me on Twitter – @bookshelfbattle ?

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In the meantime, from BQB HQ, here are the Top Ten Christmas Movies, in no particular order:

10.  Scrooged (1988) – A Christmas Carol has been remade, rebooted, and parodied a ridiculous amount of times.  It makes sense because it follows a classic formula for teaching a main character the error of his ways.  For me, the best and funniest retelling was this Bill Murray comedy from the late 1980s.  Entertainment executive Cross follows in Scrooge’s footsteps by chasing money and working his way to the top of a TV network, only to realize he missed out on the love of…

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Movie Review – Mortal Engines (2018)

It’s the future and cities move…into my wallet and take my money…and give me a poopy movie in return.

BQB here with a review of the apparent flop, “Mortal Engines.”

I’m torn, 3.5 readers.  If you read the reviews, the critics are calling this flick an epic fail.  I must admit, my test of a bad movie is if, at any time, I reach for my cell phone to check the time just to find out how much longer I have to sit through this stinker.

But that’s me and the problem is, this movie wasn’t made for me.  It’s a YA tale geared towards teenagers and it checks off all the young adult boxes and then some.

Teenagers who are in, for some reason, highly important positions of authority? Check. Adults are villains? Check. Reluctant romance between the hero and heroine where they dislike one another at first but then as the drama unfolds they fall for one another? Check.  Possible developing love triangle? Check. Teenagers save the day despite having little, if any, combat experience? Check.

Ergo, I am reluctant to call this a stinkburger because again, it wasn’t made for a crusty old fuck like me.  It was made for the kids and I’d imagine if I had been born around the turn of the century I would have found this to be a good time.

The plot? It’s a thousand years into the future and people now suffer life in a world ruined by the ancient ones (SPOILER ALERT: we, all of us, right now, are the ancient ones).  Humorous allusions to our stupid and slothful ways and our pop culture worship provide comic relief.

Cities are now mobile.  Some, like London, have become enormous tank-like monstrosities, moving across the planet on giant treads, looking to conquer other mobile cities because, well, all the world’s resources have gone to shit, so now, stealing another mobile city’s shit is the only way to survive.

Other cities move in the air.  Sorry.  I forgot the name of the city that flies in the air.  I’m an adult and I’m too busy worrying about making my next mortgage payment.

Against this dystopian backdrop, young Hester Shaw (played by someone too new for me to remember her name) seeks revenge for her deceased mother and in doing so, attempts to murder the chief muckety muck of Mobile London, Hugo Weaving.  Him I know because I saw “The Matrix” in the theater and I have the gray pubes to prove it.

Blah, blah, blah, the plot fails, Hester ends up escaping with some teenage historian who has studied up on the ancient ones’ ways (reading all about how we got fat while writing posts about our lunch on Facebook I assume) and they go on an adventure, they run around the wasteland, they fly around in sky and shit an so on.

The beginning has some good action.  I was borderline asleep for the middle.  A sub-plot where Hester is pursued by Shrike (Stephen Lang, him I know from “Avatar”), some type of hybrid human-zombie-robot who wants to turn Hester into a human-zombie-robot and she calls bullshit on that and doesn’t want to become one.

This is a Peter Jackson flick and the visuals are hella tight.  The special effects are awesome.  And honestly, it’s hard to knock the plot because unlike many other movies, there is one.

Where it lags is, in true YA fashion, you have to learn a lot of shit fast.  Personally, as an adult, when I read YA, I feel like I’m suddenly being hit with all these definitions, and rules, and new words, and “Those people are the Hoopy Doops and they believe this” but “Those people are the Weeble Worps and they believe that” and so on.

Like I said.  I’m old.  I have a tube of Preparation H in my medicine cabinet.  This movie wasn’t for me.  I did enjoy the effects and pretty colors and admit if I were younger, it would have captivated me.

STATUS: Shelf-worthy, though I don’t have any interest in watching it again.  However, if you’re a steampunk, this movie will be your Super Bowl.

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