Monthly Archives: February 2016

How the West Was Zombed – The Point of No Return

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Now comes the tough part.

I don’t want to say I’m “depressed” but maybe just a little.

I’ve written more of this novel than any other novel.  Every novel consists of 1) the beginning 2) the middle and 3) the end.

Usually, I know the beginning and end but it is the middle that is tricky.

But I have finished the beginning.  Don’t get tripped up by “54 Chapters” and “5 Parts.” In total, I’m only at about 35,000 words of what will probably end up as a 100,000 word novel.  100,000 is pretty average length.  People just number their chapters differently.  I start a new chapter with every new scene.  I like to leave a little question or tease or something at the end so you keep reading.

Decisions must be made now.  What will happen to our heroes?  How will our villain respond?

Sometimes there is so much possibility I get bogged down and can’t decide.  And I need to take out a little bit to map out the possibilities.  If one character does this, what happens when another character does that and so on.

Times like these are when I pull an Eminem and ask myself if it is time to stop living up here and start living down here.  Oh sorry.  You didn’t see my hand.  It was up high then down low to signify perhaps I should stop living with my head in the clouds.

I have to get this done now.  There’s a part of me that wants to get it done by April.  There’s 3 four month units to a year.  Four months on Zombed.  Four months this summer on a sequel.  Four months this fall on another.  Three in total by the end of the year.  Maybe that’s too ambitious.

In the meantime life calls.  There are times when it is hard to justify spending time on a zombie novel.  But then I check the stats.  3.5 of you are reading so that’s motivation to keep writing so thank you.

Thanks for listening to me complain, 3.5 readers.

Tune in tomorrow for a special guest columnist.  His presence has been sorely missed this year.

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#31ZombieAuthors – Day 27 Interview – Happy Birthday Jake Bible, Esteemed Inventor of the Drabble Novel

Day 27 of #31ZombieAuthors – I was in a coma after engaging in a zombie battle of my own, but Alien Jones took over interviewing duties, taking lessons from Jake Bible on how to write a Drabble novel.

Also, it was Jake’s birthday. Every author should get an interview on his/her birthday.

Bookshelf Battle

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FIND THIS ZOMBIE AUTHOR ON:

Amazon      Website

Facebook      Twitter

By: Special Guest Interviewer, Alien Jones

Humans, my guest today is none other than JakeBible.  A Bram Stoker Award nominated novelist, short story writer, independent screenwriter, podcaster, and inventor of “the Drabble Novel,” he’s entertained thousands with his horror and science fiction tales, reaching audiences of all ages with his ability to write in a wide range of genres.

Jake is the author of the bestselling Z-Burbia series.  Set in Asheville, NC, the books follows residents of a suburban community as they transition from easygoing living to post-apocalyptic zombie fighting.

SIDENOTE:  Today, October 27, is also Jake’s birthday.

A recent court ruling made the “Happy Birthday Song” free to all, which is great, because knowing that old cheapskate BQB, he’d of never approved of us singing it otherwise.

So let’s all sing Jake “Happy…

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How the West Was Zombed – Parts 1-4

In case you missed Parts 1-4

Zombies + Cowboys = Zombie Western

Also – Vampires and Werewolves for extra credit

Bookshelf Battle

shutterstock_236377546.jpg Bookshelf Q. Battler, Blogger-In-Chief

Bookshelf Q. Battler has locked himself away in BQB HQ, tapping away at the keyboard to write, “How the West Was Zombed” the first in what he hopes to be a lucrative series of “Zombie Western” novels, because he lives to make his 3.5 readers happy, and also because he wants to be paid.

But mostly, he’s doing this to satisfy the Mighty Potentate, the evil alien overlord who has charged BQB with writing novels awesome enough to convince the masses to abandon reality television, which the Mighty Potentate despises greatly.

shutterstock_135453842.jpg All Hail the Mighty Potentate.

If you like it or hate it, either way, give BQB your feedback.  Your comments help BQB improve his writing and we need BQB to become a better writer so that he can write a book that will save the world from a takeover by the Mighty Potentate.

PART 1…

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Oscars 2016 Recap

Chris Rock defused the Oscars So White controversy with humor.

As an ugly person rights activist, I’m still waiting for an apology for the Oscars being So Pretty.

Big upset in the Best Supporting Actor category.  Thought Sly was going to win that for sure.

Best Picture – Spotlight.  Have not seen it yet.

Thoughts, 3.5 readers?

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Tonight’s Walking Dead

SPOILER ALERT!

What did everyone think?

The world was expanded a bit.  Another survivor community.  A surprise twist.  A new villain.

Should Rick and the gang fight Neegan?

What say you, 3.5 readers?

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Movie Review – Eddie the Eagle (2016)

Sniff sniff.

Oh God.  They finally made a movie about my life.

I mean, I’m not British and I wouldn’t set foot near a ski jump if you paid me but still…I am a nerd who knows the harsh oppression that nerds face when they seek to make their dreams come true.

SPOILERS!

BQB here with a review of Eddie the Eagle.

Michael “Eddie” Edwards had one dream growing up – to become an Olympian.

That’s a lofty goal for anyone but especially for him.  He was in a leg brace for most of his early childhood and even had to stay at a hospital for a year.

As a youngster, he tries his hand at every sport only to fail miserably and end up with a box full of broken glasses.

Miraculously, he does make it onto the British downhill ski team only to be cut.  Eddie is poor, unsophisticated and ultimately, the British Olympic Committee just doesn’t like him.

Speaking of poverty, he’s at odds with his Dad who wants him to quit skiing and get a job, preferably as a plasterer, as that’s what his father does for a living.

Eddie is about to pack it all in until he concocts an idea to become a ski jumper.  Britain hasn’t had one since the 1920’s so all he has to do is land a good jump to qualify.

Easier said than done.  After running off to a ski training facility in Germany, Eddie befriends former American ski jumper Bronson Peary.  Perry is a down and out drunk, torn between a desire to find greatness again by becoming Eddie’s coach and not wanting to see Eddie die.

For, Bronson explains, even the most skilled and qualified jumpers wipe out and end up gruesomely mangled all the time.

In case you’re not convinced, you’ll see Eddie get knocked all over the slopes all throughout the film.  It almost makes you wonder who thought ski jumping would be a good sport to begin with.

I don’t want to give too much more away.  Like Rocky, Eddie competes.  He tries.  He gets in the game and his victory doesn’t come from gold (he comes nowhere close) but that he did so much better than expected, especially when no one expected anything from him.

If you’re not a ski jumper, that’s ok.  This movie can be applied to any dream.  On this blog, we talk about our writing aspirations, hopes, and dreams.

I can tell you I can relate to Eddie.  Maybe not with the hurling myself into the air, but I know what it’s like to be told by family and friends to quit writing, to be told by experts it can’t be done, to wonder myself what other productive things I could be doing instead of gluing myself to my keyboard.

But we do what we do because we can’t stop ourselves.

Taron Egerton is a great Eddie just as Hugh Jackman is an excellent Bronson.

It is too bad this movie came out so early in the year.  I see Oscar potential.  I know it made me shed a tear or too.

Then again, the Oscars are So Pretty, and they probably wouldn’t want to promote a movie that gives nerds a crazy idea like they can be somebody.

STATUS: Shelf worthy.

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Boo

The Oscars are too pretty!

#OscarsSoPretty – Why Are No Ugly People Nominated?

The Oscars. They are too pretty. There so many people in the world who have a face where you can’t tell if it is a face or a butt. Like you could be staring at their face, or they could be standing on their hands and showing you their butt. That’s how ugly they are.

And it is through no choice of their own. God has decided that some will be pretty and some will be ugly.

Every day, ugly people go about their business. They do their best to contribute to society despite their wretched ugliness.

But will they be represented at the Academy Awards? No. Why?

Because they are too ugly.

We demand more ugly representation at the Oscars!

Bookshelf Battle

Hello 3.5 readers.

cropped-shutterstock_128241008 BQB’s High School Yearbook Photo.  Ten takes and this was the best one.

Bookshelf Q. Battler, here to talk to you about a very sensitive subject.

By now you’ve heard of the “#OscarsSoWhite” controversy. For the second consecutive year, no non-white actors or actresses have been nominated for the entertainment industry’s most coveted prize.

As you’re all aware, I am a paragon of fairness, and while I’m loathe to throw stones, I’m pretty sure it is safe to assume, based on the criticism levied at this completely useless awards ceremony in which the mega rich and ultra glamorous pat one another on the back, that everyone in Hollywood has a klan robe hanging in their closet.

But I’m not here to talk about that issue.  This matter has already been widely reported and will be a part of the public dialogue for weeks to come leading up…

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BQB Reviews Dollar Shave Club

So it’s official.  I’m a member of the Dollar Shave Club.

The Freemasons wouldn’t have me.  The Illuminati said “Illumi-nopey!”  Even the Friar’s Club and the Shriners told me I didn’t meet their high standards.

But the Dollar Shave Club took me in.  So here’s my review.  But first, here’s my shave box:

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I know.  You were hoping to get an inside look at my toiletries, you weirdoes.

I’ve been interested in this for awhile, mostly because of the company’s funny, in-your-face commercials, like this one:

I have to admit, I’m not a daily shaver.  That’s mostly due to laziness.  There’s a little bit of protest thrown in.  Long ago men were able to let their facial hair fly.  We were able to have all kinds of elaborate beards, mustaches and so on.  But now women don’t like that so we have to bow to our XX chromosome overlords.   Now we have to rely solely on our personalities to be interesting. Thanks ladies.  Thanks a lot.

The premise is a) store bought blades are expensive and b) you’ll forget to buy them (I usually don’t get a new set of cartridges until my razor starts growing a foot.

That’s true with most things in life.  You need X product.  You never remember it when you’re at the store so you make due with it until it’s falling apart or gross or whatever and then you remember to get a new one.

Internet entrepreneurs will probably help us out with that one day.  And it’ll be great.  Until Skynet takes over.

On the site, dollarshaveclub.com, there are a varieties of options.  They’ll give you a free handle.  You can get a twin razor blade sent to you once a month for a buck, hence the name of the club.

Or you get go fancier and a little pricier.  I went with “the Executive” – six blades, a little more expensive.  I’m not sure if I just wanted to treat myself or maybe I just wanted to feel like a Fortune 500 CEO.  (Sigh, I didn’t, but that’s besides the point.

It gave a pretty decent shave.  I didn’t detect much difference between that and the Gillette razors I usually use.  So now the razors will come once a month, 4 to a pack, change it every week.

Mostly, it’s just a fun little thing to look forward to.

They also have some bathroom products.  I tried “Dr. Carver’s Shave Butter.”  It’s basically a shave gel.  It lubes up your face and gets the job done, but its mostly clear so it confused the hell out of me.  I realize that means I have a low attention span but still, I prefer the foam because then I know where I have shaved and what still needs to be shaved.

I’m a busy, important man with a blog that caters to 3.5 readers.  I don’t have time to remember what parts of my face I need to shave.

Would I recommend it?  Yes.  There are all kinds of Internet gift box companies.  Give yourself a little monthly present to look forward to.

Will I keep up with it?  Not sure.  As I said, I’m not a daily shaver and often I wait until I’m as furry as the Yeti.  When Video Game Rack Fighter starts beating the snot out of me with a broom because she thinks I’m the Yeti, then I know its time to shave.

At least she said she thought I was the Yeti.  Hmmm…suspicious.

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#OscarsSoPretty

Just a reminder that I will not be watching the Oscars this year as once again the Academy has made it clear that the hideous are not welcome in Hollywood.

Notable snubs:

  • Steve Buscemi
  • Ron Perlman
  • John C. Reilly
  • Sandra Bernhard
  • Seth Rogen
  • Luis Guzman
  • Gary Busey

And the list goes on.

Ugly actors and actresses are tired of being typecast as hobgoblins, villains, trolls living under bridges, and the quirky friend that the leads in rom coms stand next to so they can look hotter.

We’re here.  We’re hideous.  Get used to it.  No longer will we shield our faces with the oppressive paper bags of society.  We will let our ugliness fly.

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