Network News One – Transcript #6
KURT MANLEY: Witnesses on the scene report that Congressman Rosenschluntz flipped the House Chamber the bird, then stormed off in a huff, mumbling, and this is a direct quote, “If you won’t send any pork to my state then you can all smooch my butt and call it ice cream. In other news, civil war continues to rage in No-One-Can-Pronounce-This-Shitty-Country’s-Name-istan. Here in the studio to discuss this conflict are two pundits, Network News One’s very own Insane Talking Head Number One and Insane Talking Head Number Two. Lady and gentleman, it’s good to have you with us this morning.
(The screen splits three ways. Kurt’s head appears in the middle. Talking Head Number One, a man, appears on the left hand side of the screen while Talking Head Number Two, a woman, appears on the right.)
TALKING HEAD NUMBER ONE: Hello, Kurt.
TALKING HEAD NUMBER TWO: Pleasure to be here.
KURT MANLEY: Talking Heads, I have to say, this whole mess in that country the name of which no one can pronounce is really heating up. Do you think cooler heads will ever prevail?
TALKING HEAD NUMBER ONE: I do not, Kurt. In fact, even though I literally know nothing about the topic whatsoever, I’m going to start speak louder and louder until finally I begin screaming at the top of my lungs while I flail my arms to and fro in the breeze like a madman because I have nothing useful to offer on this matter Kurt, but it is still very important that the people at home believe that I have a very strong opinion on this subject!
KURT MANLEY: I believe you do. What about you, Talking Head Number Two? Do you have a strong opinion on the war?
(Talking Head Number Two bangs her fist down on her desk.)
TALKING HEAD NUMBER TWO: Yes I do, Kurt! I have a very strong opinion on the war. In fact, my opinion is stronger and better than Talking Head Number Two’s opinion!
TALKING HEAD NUMBER ONE: You take that back you incompetent hag!
TALKING HEAD NUMBER TWO: Never, you limp wristed sissy boy!”
KURT MANLEY: Oh, is this the part where you both get in a big fight and everyone at home gets mad because they can’t understand what either of you are saying while you’re talking over one another?
TALKING HEAD NUMBER ONE: It sure is, Kurt. Even a brainless bimbo like Talking Head Number Two would realize that.
TALKING HEAD NUMBER TWO: You are a sad, pathetic little man, Talking Head Number One. I’d say I pity you, but I pity your wife more, as I have no doubt she hasn’t received a proper lay in years.
TALKING HEAD NUMBER ONE: Floozy!
TALKING HEAD NUMBER TWO: Butt face!
KURT MANLEY: Whoa, nelly! Break it up, you two. Now seriously, Talking Head Number One, what is your opinion on the war?”
TALKING HEAD NUMBER ONE: I’m glad you asked, Kurt. I think America is the greatest nation in the world, a beacon of freedom that all people who yearn to be free can look to in times of crisis. President Stugotz must assemble a broad, international peacekeeping force to separate the rival factions until this situation simmers down.
TALKING HEAD NUMBER TWO: Oh please, Talking Head Number One! Your proctologist just called and he said to pull your head out of your ass because that’s his job.
TALKING HEAD NUMBER ONE: Bite me, wench.
TALKING HEAD NUMBER TWO: I doubt there’s much to bite, loser.
KURT MANLEY: OK, you two. Talking Head Number Two, your opinion, please.
TALKING HEAD NUMBER TWO: Thank you, Kurt. President Stugotz should steer way, way clear from this one. Like as far away from he can as possible. I mean, sure, it’s sad that way over on the far side of the world, in some shitty country whose name no one can pronounce, people are getting rocket propelled grenades up their butts and machetes slashing up against their taints but really, who are we to get involved in this? You really want to put the President in the position where he has to go up to some poor family and say, “I’m sorry, but your son just got shot because I sent him to fight a war in some Godforsaken hellhole? I think not.
KURT MANLEY: A fair point. Rebuttal, Talking Head Number One?
TALKING HEAD NUMBER ONE: Wow. That was actually a great point. I mean, I hate to compliment Talking Head Number One, largely because she’s a dried up old cow with more spiderwebs in her vagina than a mummy’s tomb but I have to hand it to her on this one. She has convinced me. I no longer believe that President Stugotz should get American forces involved in this conflict.
TALKING HEAD NUMBER TWO: Oh and what, Talking Head Number Two? You’d be happy to just sit back and let all of those little kids in that shitty country die? “Oh look at me! I’m Talking Head Number One and I’m just sitting around, pulling my puny little pud, while a bunch of kids are dying!”
TALKING HEAD NUMBER ONE: But, you just said…
TALKING HEAD NUMBER TWO: I know what I just said, you dumb horse’s ass! If I told you to jump off a bridge, would you do that too?
TALKING HEAD NUMBER ONE: Why you no good, dirty rotten cu…
KURT MANLEY: Whoa! Alright, let’s cut these two off before we get fined. I mean, we don’t have many standards here at Network News One, but we do have some, and throwing out a “See You Next Tuesday” is not one of them.
(Kurt shuffles some papers.)
KURT MANLEY: Good morning, USA. If you’re just joining us, America’s Shitting Nightmare continues. People across the country and around the world are holding in their shits, or pooping into trash bags, or fertilizing their lawns. As for your favorite anchorman, aka yours truly, he prefers to drop his waste into neat, tidy little packages that he then mails to the anchormen of rival, lesser networks. Sadly, that’s the closest to greatness those dweebs will ever get.
(Kurt changes camera angles.)
KURT MANLEY: Meanwhile, the good people of Sitwell, Florida are not sitting well on the bowl, which means they aren’t shitting well either. We take you to one of our very own Hot Ass Blonde Chicks with Big Titties with a breaking development in the Toilet Killer saga. Hot Ass Chick with Blonde Titties, are you there?
(Natalie Brock appears on screen wearing her blonde wig and stuffed bra. She stands in front of the Network News One van.)
NATALIE BROCK: I’m here, Kurt. A shocking development in the case. Yesterday, there was a shake up in the investigative power structure. Mayor Beaumont Dufresne, the head honcho down here in Sitwell, took the steps necessary to put the Sitwell Police Department under the domain of Grover County Sheriff Buck Hammond. That leaves Police Chief Cole Walker out of a job and off of this investigation.
KURT MANLEY: I’m told that’s not all?
NATALIE BROCK: Far from it. President Stugotz has even gotten involved.
KURT MANLEY: Yes. In fact, the President was in Miami this morning, where he was giving a joint press conference with Florida Governor Brian Graysmith. This is, of course, the first time the Governor has addressed the press corps since his recent incident involving a ridiculous amount of hookers.
(Cut to a podium. GOVERNOR GRAYSMITH addresses the crowd of reporters while PRESIDENT STUGOTZ looks on.)
GOVERNOR GRAYSMITH: Thank you everyone. Thank you. I realize that everyone is very upset that the Toilet Killer remains on the loose, especially because that means that everyone is scared, well, shitless, no pun intended. I would like to thank President Stugotz for coming here to make sure that the investigation is running smoothly. We will now take your questions. However, I’d like to remind you all that we are here to talk about the Toilet Killer investigation and not about the ridiculous amount of hookers found in my hotel suite. OK. Who has a question? Yes, you Gary.
GARY NELSON, SUNSHINE STATE TRIBUNE: Yes, Governor, can you give us a ball park figure on how many hookers were in your hotel room?
GOVERNOR GRAYSMITH: What did I just say? Ix-nay on the pokers-hay, Ary-gay!
(Cut to KURT MANLEY in studio.)
KURT MANLEY: Later, President Stugotz gave a stirring address. Some are already likening it to Roosevelt’s “Day of Infamy” speech.
(Cut to PRESIDENT STUGOTZ at podium.)
PRESIDENT STUGOTZ: My fellow Americans, there was once a period in our nation’s great history when a man’s private time on the commode was sacred. It belonged to him and him alone. I can tell you, when I was a boy, everyone knew that when dear old Dad picked up a newspaper and walked into the bathroom, he was not to be disturbed, for he was a hard-working man and he had earned the right to evacuate his bowels in peace and comfort.
The sanctity of the bathroom extended to everyone. Mom, Grandma, Grandpa, sons, daughters. If you needed to shit, then that was your time to shit, and no one would bother. It did not matter if you were needed right away. The world was willing to wait until the very last pinch, the much needed wipe, and the ever so satisfying flush were complete.
Bathroom rights even carried over to the workplace. Whether you were just another fella on the assembly line, or the CEO of a major corporation, you could enter a bathroom and people knew well enough to leave you alone. There was never a problem that was so important that it couldn’t wait until you were off the pot.
Sadly, at some point, America lost its way. Cell phones, computers, tablets and technology began cutting into our bathroom time. People want to talk to you now…right now…and they don’t care if you’ve got a brown log trying to make its way out of your heiney hole. People watch movies and do work on their computers while they are shitting. The sanctity of the shit is no longer honored. It’s disgraceful, people. It really is. It’s disgraceful.
And I’m not just the one who is saying this, by the way. Believe me. A lot of people are saying this. Why, just the other a friend of mine came up to me and said, “President Vinny Stugotz, do you know what is a shame?” and I said, “No, what?” and my friend said, “That people can’t shit in peace and quiet anymore.” It’s a shame, folks. It really is. It’s a shame. A big time shame.
We’ve put up with a lot of interruptions to our shits over the years, but if you ask me, these toilet murders are the last straw. No one, and I mean no one, deserves to be gruesomely murdered to death while they are copping a squat. Life is too short and much too precious to end on the can with the stench of doody stink wafting up your nose. If it’s not in the Constitution that no one should be eviscerated while they’re trying to squeeze the cheese, then it should be. Really, it should be. Believe me. I just told my super hot wife, who by the way, is a lot hotter than all of your wives, that I’m going to write that into the Constitution with a magic marker. “Amendment Nine Hundred and Whatever – No one dies while squeezing the cheese.”
People, it is time for us as Americans to get back to our sacred shitting roots. Since the inception of our glorious union, great men have come and gone and do you know what they all had in common. Seriously, does anyone know? They all took shits. Each and every one of them.
Abraham Lincoln? He shit many times while he was preserving the union, of that fact, you can be assured. And George Washington? He took a shit just before a crossed the Delaware and he was not about to allow himself to remain in intestinal discomfort just to make those dirty British red coats happy.
General George S. Patton took cast iron shits. I don’t even know how he did it. The man was not just as tough as nails. No. He actually ate handfuls of nails and then shat them out into fully formed, cast iron bricks. The Nazis shit their pants when they saw Old Blood and Guts coming, let me tell you.
Yes, for as long as there has been an America, there have been people taking shits but today, the right to shit in a safe and comfortable environment has been threatened by a madman, a psychopath, a complete and total sad-sack loser face who, quite frankly, I would not be surprised to learn, voted for that raging bull dyke that I totally wiped the floor with during the presidential election. Nanny nanny boo boo.
My friends, fear not. To those who are at home, cowering in a cower, too scared to drop a nugget, I say to you that there is no reason to worry. Your President is on the job and I promise you that I will move Heaven and Earth and bring every last resource within the Federal government at my disposal to bear on finding, capturing, and bringing the Toilet Killer to justice. We will make it safe for you to go to the bathroom again, we will make it safe to fart again and yes, as God as my witness, we will make shitting great again!
(Cut to KURT MANLEY in studio, wearing a red “Make Shitting Great Again” hat with gold lettering.)
KURT MANLEY: FYI to our viewers at home, they can purchase a “Make Shitting Great Again” hat at President Stugotz’ campaign website store. It’s the perfect item to show your support for our Commander-in-Chief’s efforts to make shitting great again. I think mine’s quite fetching, don’t you, Hot Ass Blonde Chick with Big Titties?
(Cut to NATALIE BROCK. She faces the camera. Suddenly, one of the melons drops out of her bra.)
KURT MANLEY: Um, I think you just lost one of your titties.
(NATALIE BROCK looks at camera with a “deer in the headlights” expression.)
NATALIE BROCK: Sorry, Kurt. That’s the last time I go to a bodega plastic surgeon for cheap implants, let me tell you.
KURT MANLEY: Oh, I always tell myself that but then I always end up going to a bodega plastic surgeon anyway. No one can beat their prices or sell me better jerky.
NATALIE BROCK: Right. Anyway Kurt, my sources indicate that President Stugotz personally intervened with the case, having Agent Sharon Walker pulled off the case so that Agent Gordon Bishop could be in charge.
KURT MANLEY: That makes perfect sense. The penis is the source of all logic and only someone with a penis could possibly solve this complex caper.
NATALIE BROCK: Well, here’s a major development. Agent Bishop’s command of the investigation did not last long as authorities say he died in some kind of bizarre sewer accident last night.
KURT MANLEY: My stars, this story is like a big bowl of milk and I’m a frisky kitty, just lapping it all up until my belly is full.
NATALIE BROCK: Sheriff Hammond told reporters, and I quote, “We don’t know what happened. He was probably blown up by sewer gas or some shit. We don’t know why he was in the sewer either so go away and stop bothering me.”
KURT MANLEY: Sounds like a real man of action. Keep up the good work, Hot Ass Blonde Chick with Big Titties. Oh and go fix your titty.
NATALIE BROCK: Will do, Kurt.
(KURT looks at a different camera).
KURT MANLEY: That’ll do it for this hour. Coming up next, is there a brand of fabric softener that can make your piss razer blades? And by that, I don’t mean it will give you a burning sensation but rather, actual little sharp pieces of steel will emanate from your urethra during the urination process. Better put a hold on that next load of laundry and we’ll tell you which brand do avoid after sports and weather but first, these commercial messages.
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