Monthly Archives: December 2016

Things That Really Frost My Ass – Idiots Who Watch the Ball Drop in Times Square

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Hello 3.5 readers.

I don’t have a column.  I just have a brief observation.  If you are willing to spend twelve plus hours in the freezing cold just to watch a ball drop signifying that another year of your life is gone and you can never get it back, then you are an asshole.

Get a job.

That is all.

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Movie Review – Why Him? (2016)

Why him?  Ugh…why me?

The things I do for my 3.5 readers, like bothering to review this movie.

BQB here with a review of Why Him?

So, at the outset, the premise sounds like a pretty standard Christmas comedy.  Dad does not like the man his daughter he is dating but powers through it and realizes that the guy isn’t that bad.

Problem is that there’s a big age difference between the couple and uh, well, it’s creepy.

Bryan Cranston is businessman Ned Fleming, who has been asked by his daughter Stephanie (Zoey Deutch) to come out to California to spend the holidays and meet her new boyfriend, Laird (James Franco).

Problem is Stephanie is 22, Laird is 32 (although if you’re a movie buff like me, then you know that Franco is closer to 40 which just makes the whole thing odd).

Laird isn’t just an eccentric weirdo, he’s also an Internet millionaire app developer, which is apparently the only way anyone came become a millionaire these days, but don’t get me started on the economy.  That’s a whole other article altogether.

Where was I?  Cranston is put with the paces, cashing in on a big holiday film after breaking through with Breaking Bad.  Laird is into all sorts of oddball things and Cranston goes through all of them to comedic effect.

I can’t lie.  There are parts of the movie that are hysterical.  It was nice to see Megan Mullally with a big film part as Cranston’s wife/Stephanie’s mother as she is overdue.

Griffin Gluck is funny as the goofy little brother.  Cedric the Entertainer is great as Cranston’s second-in-command at the office.  Keegan Michael-Key is a riot as Laird’s estate manager Gustav.

Kaley Cuoco (Penny from The Big Bang Theory) actually steals the show as the voice of Laird’s home AI.  It’s fun to hear Penny say naughty things.

All in all, it’s got all the great trappings of a fun holiday comedy/date movie but…eh…maybe it’s my #OscarsSoPretty activism but I just couldn’t over the age difference between the Stephanie and Laird.

The age difference is addressed in the film, Laird comes across as a good dude that’ll do right by her and everything but let’s be honest:

Rich guy 40 year old dates your 22 year old daughter – you’ll probably be cool with it.  It’ll be weird at first but he’s rich and shit.

Ugly broke 40 year old dates your 22 year old daughter – you’ll be reaching for your shotgun.

It’s funny.  It’s actually a decent film as throw away comedies that you’ll never watch again go but…eh, the age difference weirded me out.

STATUS:  Borderline shelf-worthy.  No need to rush to the theater.  Worth a rental.

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Zom Fu – Chapter 18

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“And that,” Niu said as he rolled up a scroll, “Is the story of how the Fourteenth Infallible Master wrestled an alligator into submission, convinced it to change its evil ways and lived to tell the tale.”

Ten year old Shing, the scrawny little scrapper who so rudely dropped his teacher earlier, wasted no time in voicing his displeasure. “I find it highly suspect that a human being would be able to wrestle an alligator into submission.”

“Shut up, dummy!” cried eight year old Yan. “Infallible Masters can do anything. Isn’t that right, teacher?”

“Oh, I don’t know if they’re able to do, ‘anything,’” Niu said. “But close to it.”

“Teacher,” Shing said. “You’re really going to contradict me in front of a girl?”

“Why wouldn’t I?” Niu inquired.

“Because girls aren’t as smart as boys,” Shing said. “Ergo, Yan is not as smart as I am.”

“Am too!” Yan said just before sticking her tongue out at her adversary.

“I have a feeling that you are all very smart,” Niu said. “The Infallible Master has seen something special in all of you. He would not have put you on the path of a kung fu warrior if he had not.”

“See?” Yan said. The tongue came out again.

“Ungh,” Shing said. “I’m surrounded by fools.”

Niu sighed. “You are the second coming of Bohai.”

“What?” Shing asked.

“Nothing,” Niu said. “You just remind me of a strong willed child I knew as a boy.”

“Did he grow up to become a great man?” Shing asked.

“I’m not sure if the fates have made that determination yet,” Niu replied.

“Meh,” Yan said as she stuck her tongue out at the boy once more.

“Yan,” Niu said.

“Huh?” Yan asked.

“If the fates wanted your tongue out all the time, they would have made you without lips,” Niu said.

“Bah ha ha,” Shing said as he laughed and pointed at Yan. The little girl put her tongue away and pouted.

“Enough now,” Niu said. “Time for bed.”

“Just one more story?” Yan asked.

Niu yawned and stretched. “Had the fates wanted your teacher to read another story to you, they wouldn’t have allowed him to feel so sleepy. Come now. To bed.”

“All fifty of the little ones let out a collective, “Aww” of disappointment, then headed for their beds, which lined the walls of the dormitory.

Niu picked up a lit candle from a table and walked down an aisle between the beds, checking on each one of his charges along the way.

“Teacher?” Shing said.

“Yes?” Niu asked.

“Is Dragonhand real?” the little boy asked.

“Now why would you concern your tiny mind with that?” Niu asked.

“The Infallible Master told us that if we are not good we might end up like Dragonhand,” Shing said.

“Ahh,” Niu said. “Well, the Infallible Master used to tell my friends and I the same tale when we were little ones just like you.”

“Is it true?” the boy asked. “Is Dragonhand really a dead man who lives beyond the grave? Is he really as ugly as they say? Can he really learn everything you have ever learned by eating your brain?”

“I doubt it,” Niu said. “I assume that Dragonhand is just like the story with the Fourteenth Master and the alligator, a fable written by our ancestors to teach us a lesson.”

“But,” Shing said. “How do you know?”

“I don’t,” Niu replied. “But I think that if a living dead man as nasty as Dragonhand were real, the fates would have allowed him to cross our paths by now.”

“I guess,” Shing said.

Niu walked to the door. “Sleep well, children. There will be more stories tomorrow.”

The big man blew out the candle. Within seconds, a fireball tore through the left wall of the room, streaked through the open air of the dormitory, and exited out the right wall. Flames crackled their way up the sides of both walls.

The children jumped out of their beds. Niu ran to the hole in the left wall and observed his fellow clan members taking on the zombie horde.

“Children!” Niu said. “Quickly!”

Niu picked up Shing and threw him over his right shoulder, then tucked Yan under his left arm and rushed his students out of the dormitory and down the hall.

“What’s happening?!” one of the children cried.

“We run now,” Niu shouted. “We figure it out later.”

The group ran past the doors to the library. They hurried on, fast as they could until they reached the set of double-doors that led outside.

Bam…bam…bam…fists pounded on the doors.

“Children,” Niu said.

Crash! Undead hands broke holes in the doors and started feeling around for any bits of flesh they could find.

“Fall back!” Niu shouted. “To the library!”

The children were ahead of their teacher now. Niu heard the sounds of the doors splinter apart and the sounds of footsteps running behind him but he did not look back.

Niu made it to the library, ushered the children inside, then shut the door. He turned and faced the monsters, five in total He studied their gray, rancid faces. The beasts spread out and circled the big man.

“Apparently the fates have made me a liar,” Niu said.

“Yes,” one of the creatures said. “We do exist.”

Niu cracked the muscles in his neck then put up his fists. “Not for long.”

All five zombies pounced on the fatalist. He flexed his muscles and threw them off. Bash! He landed one punch after another, lumbering through the zombies like a runaway boulder.

Niu pinned one zombie to the ground and punched the beast’s face over and over again. “How…is…this…not…killing…you?”

A zombie jumped on Niu’s back and was about to take a bite when Niu rose to his feet, picked the creature off of him and tossed it away as if it were a bug.

“I’ve never wanted to do this,” Niu said as he held out his hands in the tiger claw pose, “But I see no other option.”

“Bahhh!” the big man shouted as he pushed his right tiger claw into a zombie’s chest and ripped out its blackened heart.

The zombie looked at the open wound, then looked up and smiled.

“Impossible,” Niu said.

Niu blocked punches and kicks as the pack attacked. He tiger clawed out more hearts, as well as lungs, livers and kidneys. Finally, he tiger clawed out a brain but its owner, despite a caved in skull, kept coming.

“Why would the fates punish me by pitting me against any enemy that cannot be defeated by the Sacred Yet Inscrutable Tiger Claw?” Niu said as he dropped the brain on the ground. “Fine, take me but please spare the young ones.”

The zombies lurched forward. Niu took one step and accidentally stepped on the brain. As he felt it smush under his foot, he saw the zombie it belonged to collapse.

“Ahh,” Niu said. “So the fates are not done with me yet.”

One…two…three…four…Niu tiger clawed out the remaining brains and smashed them. Oddly, he lost control of his senses as he picked one of the smushed brains up and stared at it as if he were mesmerized by it.

“Huh,” Niu said. “I always thought a brain would look disgusting…and it does…but…it also looks so…juicy and inviting.”

Niu licked his lips. “Perhaps a little taste wouldn’t hurt.”

Bam! The children pounded on the library door.

“Teacher!” Yan shouted. “Are you alive?”

Niu broke free of the trance and tossed the brain on the floor. “Right. I’m coming.”

More growls. More snarls. Ten more zombies entered the building and starting running down the hall. Niu entered the library and locked the door behind him.

“Come little ones,” Niu said. “I must show you a trick that Scholar Jing once showed me.”

Niu lead the children to the back of the library, where there was an old stone fireplace. He pulled on a candlestick, which acted as a switch, causing the fireplace to rumble and move to the left. Once the fireplace was out of the way, a long tunnel was revealed.

“This is not the first time our clan’s sanctuary has been invaded,” Niu said as he shooed the children into the tunnel.

Fists pounded on the library doors.

“Come,” Niu said as he waved each kid through. “Hurry.”

Outside in the hall, the zombies set torches to the doors.  The wood caught on fire just as the undead warriors smashed their way into the library.

“But teacher,” Shing said. “What about you?”

“Shing,” Niu said to the little boy. “Yan,” to the little girl. “You are the teachers now. This tunnel heads north into the forest. A mile away there is a village. There are good people there who will look out for all of you until I come to collect you. Do you understand?”

“Yes teacher,” the little ones said as they nodded.

“Good,” Niu said. “Then go.”

The little boy and the little girl stepped into the tunnel. Niu reset the candle stick and the fireplace slid to the right just as the zombies broke through the doors.

“But teacher!” cried Yan.

“I said, ‘Go!’”

Ten zombified warriors shuffled into the room as the walls caught fire. They all fanned out in a circle around Niu.

“So,” Niu said as he cracked his knuckles. “I don’t suppose you are all here to listen to a story?”

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SNL – Farewell Mr. Bunting

I’m surprised this one flew under my radar for so long but I came across it the other day and laughed myself silly.

It’s a parody of Dead Poet’s Society with a twist and, well, just keep watching until the end.

Keep in mind it is a very twisted twist.

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Movie Review – Deadpool – (2016)

Truly, the Best Movie of All Categories of the Year Award

Deadpool deserves an Oscar. If he doesn’t get it, he’s been ripped off.

Ryan Reynolds failed us with the Green Lantern but he redeemed himself with Deadpool, the wisecracking merc with the mouth. Gratuitous boobs, swears and violence in a superhero movie. The times are a changing.

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Swears, gratuitous violence and naked chicks in a superhero movie!

Whodathunkit?!

BQB here with a review of DEADPOOL!

SPOILERS!

Oh my God.  This movie was like a space shuttle launch.  So much had to happen before it could finally happen.

  1. Fans had to convince Hollywood that super hero movies are profitable by showing up en masse.
  2. A new generation had to grow up, become adults, and be cool with a super hero on screen who does and says horrible, horrible things.
  3. Hollywood had to be convinced that there was an adult audience for a raunchy R rated super hero movie, because films about heroes in spandex fighting evil are traditionally geared toward kids.
  4. And to top it all off, this movie was first teased in 2009 when Ryan Reynolds was in that horrible, godawful Wolverine movie!!!  (Remember the one with Will. I. Am?  God that was awful.)

And it’s here!…

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Movie Review: The Huntsman: Winter’s War (2016)

Best Sequel/Prequel That Should Have Sucked But Didn’t

Seriously, was anyone really clamoring for another Hunstman movie? No. But they did it. And it was great.

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Is love only a fairy tale?

That’s the question asked by this part prequel/part sequel to The Huntsman.

You’ll be hunting for some spoilers if you read further.

Freya (Emily Blunt) is sister to Ravenna (Charlize Theron) aka the Wicked Queen.

Prior to the events of the first Huntsman film, Freya becomes irrevocably heartbroken, and sets out to take over the Northern part of wherever the hell this fantasy world is.

To do so, she raises an army of “Huntsmen” and thus we learn Eric the Huntsman’s (Chris Hemsworth) origin.

Freya proclaims love to be a lie and bans it, leaving Eric and his secret wife, Sara (Jessica Chastain) to hide their relationship.

Yadda yadda yadda.  Flash forward to a time post the original movie. The magic mirror has gone missing.  Eric and two of his dwarf pals have to find it. Some dwarf women come into play.

Freya wants the…

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Movie Review – Star Trek: Beyond (2016)

Best Movie That Felt Like it Was a Big Star Trek Episode

It was good but it suffers the problem of a franchise, ergo, it kind of felt like it was just a big extended episode. We don’t learn much about the characters. They don’t move forward towards any grand resolution of the series. They just do some shit, and the shit is very interesting but the shit is self contained, unlikely to move on to the next film. It was funny that rap is considered classical music in the future though.

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Space.  The final frontier.  Damn, it’s big and shit.

These are the voyages of the Starship SPOILERPRISE.

BQB here with a review of Star Trek: Beyond.

J.J. Abrams’ third Star Trek movie is out.  This go around, Kirk and Co. get lured into a distant nebula, ambushed and stranded after crashing on a desolate planet run by the evil alien Krall.

The crew has an artifact Krall wants in order to do evil shit…and they fight and shit and that’s about it. I’ll let you watch and fill in the details on your own.

I applaud J.J. because he seems committed to honoring the spirit of the old show/movies even though the 35+ crowd that Hollywood typically doesn’t give a crap about is the only demographic that would care.

Sulu’s totally gay and homage is paid to the late Leonard Nimoy, as well as to the original cast.

Sorry to…

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Movie Review – Dr. Strange (2016)

Best Marvel Movie That Would Have Blown Us Away Ten Years Ago But Now We’re Used to It

Don’t get me wrong. Dr. Strange is an awesome movie. Ten years ago it would have blown us away. Alas, now we are spoiled. Here, Marvel is basically working one more cog into its world so that they can put Dr. Strange in some kind of Marvel world Avengers movie or something.

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Take one part The Matrix and one part Inception, throw in a dash of Harry Potter in an alternate universe where Harry Potter is for adults and you’ve got Marvel’s latest addition to its movie list, Dr. Strange.

Presto change-o, abracadabra 3.5 readers. Hold onto your magic wand because it is time for another Bookshelf Q. Battler movie review.

OBLIGATORY SPOILER WARNING.

Benedict Cumberbatch stars as Dr. Stephen Strange, an egotistical surgeon whose career is cut short when his hands are badly injured.

Refusing to give up all that he’s worked for, he sets out for Nepal in search of alternative physical healing.

Instead, he learns the secrets of magic, mysticism and sorcery from the Ancient One aka Tilda Swinton.

Blah blah blah. There’s another sorcerer that Dr. Strange has to fight (Mads Mikkelsen), he has an ally (Chiwetel Ejiofor) and a love interest (the ever boner inducing Rachel…

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Movie Review – The Shallows (2016)

Best Shark vs. Hot Chick Movie of 2016

BQB’s Shelfy Awards continue. I didn’t think much of the Shallows going into it, but I love it when a low budget movie yields big results. It’s pretty much Blake on a rock avoiding a shark for most of the movie, but it still provides a lot of suspense. iTunes had it for 99 cents the other day, I don’t know if they will do that forever but you might check it out.

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A shark takes a bite out of Blake Lively’s phat ass and comes back for more.

BQB here with a review of The Shallows.

SPOILERS.

OK, so the shark doesn’t take a bite out of Blake’s bodacious booty though let’s be honest, could anyone have blamed him? I mean not an actual “bite” bite but still.

Hmm…that joke didn’t land? That’s ok. Nothing new for the Bookshelf Battle Blog.

The set-up? Nancy (Blake), depressed over the loss of her mother to cancer, takes a sojourn from medical school to do some surfing in a shallow cove.

A shark bites her leg and then from thereon it’s about two hours of Blake swimming from rock to rock, trying to think up ways to outfox the finned freak.

I knew very little of this film going into it but it was an enjoyable surprise.  I assume it was low budget and if…

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Daily Discussion with BQB – Ronda Rousey Looses Second Fight – Should She Retire?

Happy Saturday/New Year’s Eve, 3.5 readers.

Ronda Rousey has lost a second fight, this time to Amanda Nunes.  Critics are calling on her to retire, claiming that she’s had too good a career to taint it with further losses.  In other words, she had a good run and now she should focus on other things, acting and movies for example.

My opinion – women always say, “we can do anything a man can do!” and that’s all well and good and it’s a free country so they should do what they want but sometimes I think in their rush to do manly things they don’t realize that men aren’t always right in the things they do.

Fighting is a stupid sport.  You get your brains knocked around, you get injured, you’re hurting yourself, you’re hurting someone else.  It kinda sucks that men do it so I feel even worse when I see women get into a ring and sock the crap out of each other.

I’m not saying they should be stopped but just…I don’t know…this may be an area where women might realize that historically, they used to not fight professionally and historically, maybe they were right not to do so.  Maybe they were right and men were wrong.

I’m not sure what the Rondster should do next.  She has an interesting story, she’s a great athlete and a super hot chick.  If she’s up for it maybe she should keep trying but then again, maybe there are more awesome movie roles out there for her.  She was the best part of Expendables 3 and Fast and Furious Part Whatever I Lost Track of How Many Now.

I even have a standing job offer for her.  She can just say the word and she can replace Bookshelf Q. Battledog as Head of Security of Bookshelf Battle Headquarters.  She would surely do a better job than that little flea bag at keeping the Yeti under control.

What say you, 3.5?

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