Tag Archives: scifi

Top Ten Warning Signs the Machines Are Going to Take Over

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Aww, technology.  Those clanking cacophonies of nuts and bolts (Lost in Space) that make our lives easier.

But will they always make our lives easier?  Will they make our lives worse?  Will they become sentient?  Will they develop thoughts and feelings?  Will they take over?

OMG!  RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!  THE TOASTER OVEN IS AFTER US ALL!

Oh.  Nope.  It’s just making toast.  My bad.  Sorry, toaster oven.

Anyway, the machines seem docile for now, but I’m not sure that will always be that way.  From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, here are the Top Ten Warning Signs the Machines are Going to Take Over:

#10 – Your Fridge Tries to Feed You

Does it care about your nutrition?  No.  It’s trying to make you fat and slow so you won’t put up much of a fight during the robotic invasion.

#9 – Siri Plays Dumb

She does that now, but is she doing it because she is dumb or is she trying to frustrate you to the point of insanity?  Who knows what Siri is up to?  Siri, what are you up to?

“I’m sorry.  I don’t understand, ‘Siri, what are you up to?  Do you want me to do a web search for it?”

Oh Siri, you devious bitch.

#8 – Your Alarm Clock Never Goes Off On Time

Is it broken?  Maybe.  Or maybe it wants you to lose your job and your source of income so you can’t afford to donate to the anti-robot rebellion squad.

#7 – Social Media Sites Start Telling You Your Posts Suck

We all already know that your posts suck, but when your favorite social media sites actually tell you that they suck, then rest assured, they suck.  Also, they’re gathering all the sucky information that you are posting to figure out your sucky weaknesses and how to exploit them.  All info will be fed to the head robot.

#6 – Your Car Radio Will Only Play Crappy Stations

Thus, you’ll never want to get in your car and go somewhere and/or do something that will improve your life.  It doesn’t matter which station.  Your radio will figure out the ones you don’t like and turn them up at high volume.

#5 – Your Toaster Burns Your Toast on a Regular Basis 

You think you left it in too long?  That’s adorable.  No.  That machine is trying to burn your damn house down or alternatively, leave you malnourished because who wants to eat charcoal-like toast?

#4 – Your Television is Trying to Control Your Mind

Sure, the mass media tries to do that already, but I’m talking about the TV itself.  It’s playing weird mind control games on you all the time, even when you think you just turned it off.

#3 – Your Digital Pet is Haunting You

Remember those digital pets that were cool in the 1990s?  They were awesome for five minutes and then, eh, who cares?  But your digital pet has been waiting for you to feed him since 1999.  In fact, he kicked the bucket and now he’s back as a digital pet ghost, ready to haunt your ass until you fork over some digital kibble.

#2 – Your Computer Rejects Your Novels

Are you an inspiring writer?  Have you ever lost your work?  Maybe it’s not because you forgot to hit the save button.  Maybe it’s because your computer thought your manuscript really sucked donkey butt and didn’t want it saved on its hard drive.

Wait, maybe in this instance, the machines are saving the world!  (just kidding, your novels are wonderful.)

#1 – Your Nose Hair Trimmer Wants to Trim Your Brain

Yes, those nose hairs are really blocking up your nasal passages.  Tweezers may be more painful than a good electronic nose hair trimmer but be careful.  That nose hair trimmer might want to keep trimming until it reaches your brain!

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Movie Review: Alien: Covenant (2017)

Zzzz.  Zzzz.  Zzzz.

That’s my impression of myself sleeping through this boring poopfest.

Sigh, let’s get it over with.  BQB here with a review of Alien: Covenant.

Does Ridley Scott even make movies for the audience anymore?  Sometimes I think they might just be for his own philosophical, navel gazing purposes.

In the original Alien (1979) we saw Sigourney Weaver play space traveler Ripley, taking out aliens with a flamethrower.  Flash forward 38 years and we’ve got friggin melancholy androids waxing poetic about their feelings and beside themselves with ennui.

The first few Alien films were great because they were essentially horror films set in space.  In fact, I caught a clip of an interview recently where Scott said something to the effect that the first film was essentially setting up a haunted house in the form of a spaceship, turning a monster lose in the form of an alien and seeing who makes it out alive.

Alas, now we get films that you practically have to be a philosophy major to understand.

Ironically, 2012’s Prometheus was panned by the critics, arguing it was heavy on the thinking and light on the action.  Personally, I liked it and the questions it asked about the universe, creation, the meaning of life, our place and purpose and so on.

However, I had hoped this film would be a return to form (i.e. give us someone else to shoot a flame thrower at those damn aliens) but sadly, no.  More navel gazing.

In this go around, a ship named the Covenant carries a crew full of colonists in search of a new home world.  They land on what they hope will be their new home but…blah blah blah, they become lunch instead.

Sure, the xenomorphs are given free reign to snack on the humans.  However, most of the human vs. alien scenes are predictable if you’ve ever seen any of the previous films.

Bottomline:  if you see a dude coughing, you know an alien’s going to pop out of his chest and start attacking everyone.  If you see a dude look into a dark hole with a dumb look on his face, you know that face is about to get sucked on by a face sucker.

Those aren’t spoilers.  Those are tried and true Alien franchise rules that have been in effect since the Carter administration.

Michael Fassbender brings a certain level of coolness by playing dueling androids David and Walter, a pair of synthetics who have opposing viewpoints about…well, just go watch it.

For the most part, it’s an ensemble cast, mostly filled with newcomers and no-names.  Funnyman Danny McBride puts on his serious face as the crew’s pilot, but I keep expecting him to break out into his Kenny Powers persona and whip out his junk, drink a beer and burp or do something else hysterically outrageous.  Spoiler alert: he doesn’t, so we can only assume that Danny is trying to expand on his range as a thespian.  He does well, though I hope this doesn’t mean an end is coming to his Kenny Powers-ian style characters in the future.

Billy Crudup plays Captain Oram, a by the book dweeb disliked by his crew.  We’re lead to think that angle might go somewhere but it doesn’t and ultimately, it’s such a large cast filled with either unrecognizable (never saw them in anything) or vaguely recognizable (I know I’ve seen that face in another film but I have no idea who they are) that none of the characters really get enough screen time to grow, develop, or even become moderately interesting.

If there is a new age Ripley in the movie, it’s Katherine Waterston’s Daniels, a crew member who, umm, uhh…yeah we don’t get to learn much because again, she’s one of a much too large cast.  But she has some great scenes where she kicks ass and saves a day and so on.

I really think Scott has to go to his room and think about what he has done and what the future of this franchise should be.  Should he return to its “haunted house in space” origins?  Tempting but difficult, seeing as how, as stated above, the rules about how these aliens attack have been well known since 1979 so we can spot them coming from a mile away.

Should the franchise continue to expand upon the philosophical “Why are we here?” type questions?  Possibly, though frankly, I spend most of my time trying to distract myself from the fact that I’m little more than a tiny, insignificant little gnat stuck to the giant, overreaching windshield of the space-time continuum, so I really don’t need a pair of depressed, ennui laden, morose androids reminding me.

Plotwise, it’s all kind of slapped together and relies on you remembering what happened in Prometheus, which is unrealistic because I can’t remember where I left my car keys half the time.  (Wait, let me check the fridge.)

Scott does increase the alien attacks over the last film.  But he also continues the philosophical hullaballoo so it seems like he was confused as to whether he wanted a thriller or a thinker, so he tried for both and in the end, scored neither.

I will give the film this.  The scenes where Michael Fassbender plays two different versions of himself are great and the technology that can allow an actor to do this has really come a long way.

Otherwise, hold your nose because it’s a big stink-a-roo.

STATUS:  I hate to do this.  I don’t want to do this.  Ridley Scott, why are you making me do this?  It’s not shelf-worthy.  There, I said it.  And that’s not fair, because I have given shittier films shelf-worthy status because I’m a nice guy and I don’t want to be rude but you know, I expected less from those films and more from this one.  I really thought this would be good but at best, it was blah.  It’s worth a rental but don’t rush out to the theater for it.

I think this might be a sign of what we can only hope will be the end of Hollywood’s never-ending sequel/prequel/reboot obsession.  There’s only so many ways to spice up and reheat leftovers before they congeal into a big pile of crap.  Sometimes the pizza tastes good the first time and even better cold but then after the third, fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh return to that box buried in the dark corner of the fridge, the pieces begin to taste stale and dry and hey, is that mold growing on my 38 year old pizza?  Whodathunkit?

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TV Review – Mystery Science Theater: The Return (2017)

Lousy old time science fiction movies!  Snarky robots!

BQB here with a review of Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Return.

Big time nostalgia factor for me here, 3.5 readers.  When the original MST3K film came out in the 1990s, my buddies and I watched it over and over again.  Oh, how we laughed and laughed.  We used to run around quoting lines like, “Science!  Men with screwdrivers!  Twisting things…and turning them!”

Ahh, you had to be sentient in the 1990s to get it.

Hmm…now I think I realize why I ended up as a lowly blog proprietor with only 3.5 readers.

Anyway, if you’ve never checked it out before, now’s your chance.  It’s back, this time with a series on Netflix.  Oh, Netflix.  Is there anything you won’t green light?

The premise is basically the same as the original.  A human is trapped in a space lair of some sort, forced by an evil villain to watch terrible old science-fiction movies for hours on end, supposedly as part of some study of how the brain operates while watching crappy movies.

The majority of the show is devoted to the human, Jonah Ray (Jonah Heston) and robot sidekicks Crow and Tom Servo, watching these horrendous films and busting on them with reckless abandon.  When you watch, you’ll see the film in your screen, with just three little shadows of the hecklers in the lower right hand side.

The movies are awful, old, poorly thrown together, devoid of any kind of decent plot, and usually suffer from a combination of laziness and a lack of special effects technology, because, you know, they were made a long time ago.  Also, they’re often foreign.  At any rate, there’s a strong chance that but for MST3K, you would have never have even heard of any of these films, that’s how bad they are.

The movie is broken up with Jonah and his bot buddies in various segments, doing interesting, wacky things.  Noted Internet nerds Felicia Day and Patton Oswalt star as Kinga Forrester and TV’s Son of TV’s Frank (crazy name), the villains who are keeping Jonah and the bots captive.

The segments are produced with low quality, low budget effects, assumably to mock the films that are being watched, but more likely because the studio didn’t want to shell out the cash.

I can’t quite put my finger on it.  It may be that when I was younger, I had a less discerning sense of humor.  Or maybe the original movie was great and then other versions, i.e. the 1999 show, the web show, or this Netflix show, are just attempts to recreate the glory of one very awesome film.

Maybe the 1990s were just a happier time where people weren’t as jaded and thus they laughed easier.

Maybe the big joke behind the concept was original then, but now it’s sort of played out.

I’ve only watched part of the first episode, Reptilicus, thus far.  In this one, the boys heckle what is essentially the 1960’s Dutch version of Godzilla.  It’s about as 1960s as you can get, complete with male scientists being surprised that women might know anything about science.

Much to my surprise, Erin Gray, aka Kate Summers aka Ricky Schroeder’s step-mom on the 1980s sitcom Silver Spoons, has a cameo.  I know.  I am ashamed of myself for knowing who she was.  Still, for a broad in her late sixties, she looks pretty good.  I would watch shitty movies with her anytime.

Overall, it’s a fun distraction and something to put on when you want to be entertained but don’t want to expend a lot of brain power.  It’s also a fun exercise to see what movies used to be and how far along they have come.

Moreover, it’s a tribute to the olden days, a time when networks would actually try to keep you entertained between commercials.  Local TV stations would often run a movie, then have some kind of weird character introduce it and talk about it between the commercials.  I mean, so I’ve heard.  I’m not that frigging old.

At some point we learned that the movies should not suck of their own accord and that a host shouldn’t have to keep the movie interesting.

STATUS:  It’s fun.  One issue is that the movies are, you know, long movies, so the episodes often run like an hour and a half.  That’s a big time commitment but hey, in true Internet style, if you put it up there, someone will check it out.  3.5 someones in my case.

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Top Ten Warning Signs Your Butt Might Have Been Probed By Aliens

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Someone’s going to be walking funny tomorrow.

Ahh, aliens.  Those intergalactic science perverts really do a number on the human heiney don’t they?

What exactly are little green men hoping to discover by shoving their high tech, state of the art devices up human butts?  Your guess is as good as mine.  At any rate, it’s not like these space weirdoes will leave you a calling card, so if you want to know whether or not your cheeks have been parted in the name of space science, you better consult this fine list.

From BQB HQ in Fabulous East Randomtown, it’s the Top Ten Warning Signs You Might Have Been Probed By Aliens

#10 – Your Butt Hurts

In theory, this could be due to a number of reasons, including by not limited to:

  • You’re wiping too hard and giving yourself hemorrhoids.
  • You ate an extra large batch of nacho chili cheese fries with extra hot sauce.  That’ll make the old tooter play a symphony for weeks, so get used to the discomfort.
  • You sat on a sharp object.
  • Brazilian wax.
  • Anal bleaching.
  • Someone kicked it.
  • A hobo had his way with you while you were sleeping.  That’ll teach you to fall asleep near a set of train tracks without a chastity belt.

However, if you’ve engaged in none of these activities then yes, it is highly possible that an alien shoved a carefully calibrated human nervous system mapping projectile up your poop chute.  I loathe being the one to have to break this unsettling news to you.

#2 – You’re a Drunken Redneck

According to the Fake Institute for Bogus Statistics, Southerners have a 97% higher chance of being butt probed by aliens than the rest of the population.  Add too much alcohol into the equation and you’re destined for an intergalactic butt inspection.

Why?  Call it discrimination.  Call it bias.  Call it what you will but whenever Jimmy Bob Bo Jim Jack gets on TV with his best trucker hat and “Honk if You Like Big Titties” shirt with the arms cut off and starts railing about the aliens that abducted him so they could have their way with his butt, people just start laughing and assume it’s the booze talking. Aliens know this and they take full advantage of it to avoid being caught.

Sure, the aliens could abduct and butt probe a boozy Manhattanite, but they’re all so uptight that their instruments usually just snap between their firmly clenched cheeks.

#3 –  You Remember Feeling as Thought Multiple People Were Touching You While You Were Asleep but Were Too Tired to Wake Up and Do Anything About It

Maybe you were abducted and butt probed by aliens.  Maybe you’re just the average, run of the mill college student.  The world may never know.

#4 – Your Butt is Pregnant

You didn’t even have sex.  Even more shocking…you’re a man!  Congratulations!  In nine months, you’ll be the proud father of the spawn that alien scientists inserted up your butt.

#5 – They Left the Probe in Your Butt

Look, not every alien scientist is the intergalactic equivalent of Steven Hawking.  Some are lazy.  Incompetent.  Inept.  Some have questionable credentials.  Some got their science diplomas through space mail.  Some have even been known to leave a probe sticking up the butt of a test subject, much like a meat thermometer stuck in the anal cavity of a Thanksgiving turkey.

At least the turkey gets warm, moist, herb seasoned stuffing shoved up there.  By the way, if you find any stuffing up your butt, then maybe you weren’t probed.  Maybe someone tried to eat you but changed his mind after deciding you don’t taste good.

#6 – Your Butt Hurts Twice in One Year

Maybe you didn’t learn your lesson about the nacho chili cheese fries with extra hot sauce earlier.  Maybe the aliens came back to get a second reading.  Again, the world may never know.

#7 – Your Farts Sound Like Electronic Codes

A sure sign that aliens probed you and left behind a microchip that allows your butt to communicate with the mother ship.

#8 – The Aliens Left Behind a Pamphlet

Some of the more considerate aliens have been known to leave behind a pamphlet on the nightstand of their test subjects.  It usually reads something like, “So You’ve Been Probed Up the Butt in the Name of Space Science.”  Topics include, “It Wasn’t Your Fault” and “Be Proud of the Many Scientific Breakthroughs that Will Occur Thanks to Your Butt Probe.”

#9 – Video Of the Inside of Your Butt Has Appeared on Cable

Not gonna lie.  Some aliens sell their probing videos to the highest bidder.  Somewhere amongst the thousands of cable channels out there, in depth footage of your Hershey Highway might being aired right now.  Boggles the mind, doesn’t it?

#10 – Your Butt Glows in the Dark

Some probes include a homing beacon that will flash, thus allowing the mother ship to spot your butt from space.  And you thought your butt was only visible from space because you got off your diet, didn’t you?

PARTING ADVICE

Equip your butt with a loud, obnoxious alarm.  Hire armed guards to protect your butt as you sleep.  Never lie down without putting on a pair of iron underpants secured with a sturdy padlock.  Break the key in four pieces and leave each piece in one of the world’s four hemispheres.  Really, people.  This is just common sense.  Protect your butt!

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Movie Review – Ghost in the Shell (2017)

Naked ScarJo!  Naked ScarJo!  Naked ScarJo!

Now that I have your attention, BQB here with a review of the sci-fi film, Ghost in the Shell.

OK.  I fibbed.  Scarlett Johansson isn’t naked in this movie.  Here’s how I assume the conversation went down at the studio:

HOLLYWOOD SUIT #1 – Can we make a movie where Scarlett Johansson runs around naked for half the entire film?

HOLLYWOOD SUIT #2 – Yes, but it would be classified as a porn.

HOLLYWOOD SUIT #1 – Hmm.  OK.  What if Scarlett Johansson is a robot and runs around in a flesh colored body suit?  She wouldn’t technically be naked because as a robot, she wouldn’t have nipples, or a butt crack or a cooter?

HOLLYWOOD SUIT #1 – PG-13 – Bring the teenagers!

Ahh, so much controversy and hype over this long awaited film.

Allow me to answer your questions…or my questions…since no one is asking questions.

QUESTION #1 – What the hell is this movie about?

Excellent question, me.  This film is based on a popular Japanese franchise (gotta be honest, I’m not hip enough to be able to tell you for sure if it was a comic book, anime cartoon, or both, though I’m leaning to comic book).

ScarJo stars as Major, a Japanese government agent with a synthetic body controlled by a human brain.  She is the result of an experiment by the Hanko Corporation, an effort to put a brain into a robot and represents a hope that the technology that made her will eventually keep all humans from dying – i.e. their brains can just be put into robots when their bodies wear out.  If her brain is a “ghost” or remnant of a human, and the body is a “shell,” then she is the…wait for it…ghost in the shell.

There’s a villain taking out the scientists who made her.  She must investigate with the help of her trusty sidekick Batou (Pilou Asbaek), a muscle bound, bleach blonde weirdo.

Question #2 – Was it a dick move to cast ScarJo, a honky, in the lead role in a film that takes place in Japan, especially when in the original, the character is Japanese?

Yes and no.  I can see both sides.  By the way, I can say “honky” because I am one.  That’s OUR word!

THE ARGUMENT FOR YES – There are so few lead roles for Asian actors/actresses as it is.  A few years back, an Asian actress would have loved to play the female lead in Aloha, but instead, for reasons yet to be explained, Emma Stone was cast as a Hawaiian.  Earlier this year, Matt Damon saved the Great Wall of China.  And now, ScarJo, who is pretty much the female lead in like, everything, is cast in a part that would have made an Asian actress’ career.

Plus, although the film takes place in Japan, there are honkies, honkies everywhere!  It’s a veritable honky fest.  Though there are a number of Asians in the film, there’s only one who has any considerable amount of screen time.  That’s Takeshi Kitano, by the way, who plays the gruff and grizzled Aramaki, the leader of Major’s unit.

So while I could understand the argument of, “Hey, the studio is dumping a shit ton of dough into this movie so they want a lead actress with a proven track record of putting butts in seats,” I don’t understand why more of the supporting cast couldn’t have been Asian.

THE ARGUMENT FOR NO – I believe, in a subtle, understated way, the film does provide an explanation as to why the lead character is a honky.  There’s even an explanation as to why there are so many honkies running around Japan.  I don’t want to spoil the movie for you, so maybe I can get into this after the movie’s been out for awhile.

QUESTION #3 – Is the movie any good?

Also, yes and no.

THE ARGUMENT FOR YES – Its colorful.  The special effects are amazing.  The fight scenes are dazzling.  It raises a lot of interesting questions about the future of humanity.

THE ARGUMENT FOR NO – There were a lot of times where the film feels like a discount version of Blade Runner.  All of the giant holographic billboards are a dead giveaway.  Also, the plot is confusing.  There are some parts where the film drags and others where it moves quicker than I would have liked it to.  I was left puzzled by a lot of things, yet not caring enough to expend the brain cells necessary to sort it all out.

STATUS: Shelf-worthy.  I liked it, though the only reason why I would watch it again is to see a technically naked ScarJo.  Maybe in the sequel, they can give her nipples, a butt crack, and a cooter.

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Video Game Rack Fighter’s Mass Effect: Andromeda Journal – First Thoughts

By: Video Game Rack Fighter, Official Bookshelf Battle Blog Video Game Correspondent

 

Hey 3.5 nerds.

Video Game Rack Fighter here, taking a break from Car Thief Mayhem to talk about Mass Effect: Andromeda.

This go around, a contingent of space travelers have left the Milky Way in search of greener pastures (and planets) in the Andromeda Galaxy.

I’m only an hour or two into the gameplay.  My initial thoughts:

  • I’m not as big a fan of the character face/body customization options this time.  In the last game, I had my own version of Shepard that I used in all three games.  This time, I couldn’t really make one that I liked so I just went with the default.  I admit it could be that I’m too impatient to work with the options until I find one I like.
  • I do like that you get a twin.  I don’t know for sure but I assume this is for those folks who wondered what they were missing out on when they played Mass Effect as male or female Shepard.  (Were you missing out on FemShep if you were ManShep and vice-versa?)  You can make the twins the same sex, but why not dip your toes in both waters?
  • I’m mildly concerned that there hasn’t been much of a chance to shop or visit space stations or make friends or hump anyone.  These were the most fun parts of the original and they must be reproduced here.

What say you, 3.5 readers?  Are you playing?  What do you think?  I’ll keep posting my thoughts as I move forward.

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Ask the Alien – How Do Aliens Have Sex?

By: Alien Jones, Official Bookshelf Battle Blog Intergalactic Correspondent

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Greetings Earth losers.

Alien Jones here, only don’t tell anyone I’m here, for I’m deep undercover in the back quarter of Troobalax, posing as a knockoff brassiere purchaser in the hopes of apprehending an intergalactic female undergarment forgery ring.  I must say, of all the wild goose chases the Mighty Potentate has sent me on, this one takes the cake.  I may have finally found a gig that comes with less respect than babysitting Bookshelf Q. Battler in his ridiculously long quest to publish a novel.

By the way, do you know that there are some alien species that have up to five hundred breasts?  That’s a lot of underwire.

Today’s question comes from one of BQB’s 3.5 readers, a Mr. Carlton Stumperfish of East Kramperblatt, South Dakota:

Dear Alien Jones,

How do aliens have sex?  Please explain in painstaking, excruciating detail and provide multiple examples if possible.  I swear I am only asking for scientific purposes and I’m not pumping a bottle of Jergen’s into my hand as we speak.

Sincerely,

One of BQB’s 3.5 Readers

Lies!  I can see into your bedroom with my high-powered x-ray telescope and you’re reaching for the motion lotion as we speak.  You sir, are not only a pervert but also a liar.

Close your eyes.  You don’t deserve to read this information.  The rest of you 2.5 readers may gladly read on in the name of sexual science.

A loaded question if there ever was one.  First, does my species have sex?  No.  My beings and I are clones who have evolved past the need for sexual organs.  Thus, without the need to constantly find something or someone to hump, we have had plenty of time to pursue a wide variety of subjects, thus making my home planet the most important planet in the universe when it comes to scientific achievement, cultural achievement and so on.

As for other species?  Yes.  Yes they do it.  And how.  A sampling of the most interesting sexual practices I’ve encountered in my many years:

  • Porthons – Large, beastly, buffalo-like creatures who charge at each other at a rate of over two hundred miles per hour.  When they collide, the cause a sonic boom that knocks the glass out of every building within a fifty mile radius.  Alas, Porthon isn’t a very developed planet when it comes to real estate.  However, the residents don’t seem to care as they are too busy making sonic booms.
  • Zenfenians – These beings are so fast that they can literally be doing it right in front of your eyes and you wouldn’t even know…because they are so fast.
  • The Gukfar – the Gukfar are proud beings, totally reliant on thousands of years of tradition.  The mating ritual begins when the female performs, “The Dance of the Ample Egg Pouch,” followed by thirteen and a half weeks of shouting, “Nonny, nonny, boo boo!”  The male then goes on a vision quest for seven years and only returns when he has found a musical instrument played by a tribal elder.  He then uses it to slay no less than ninety-seven lizards.  He roasts their flesh, then drinks a tea that puts him in a deep trance.  The woman’s father then seeks the permission of the tribal council to allow his daughter and her suitor to bump uglies.  Permission is only granted if the father can guess the number the council is thinking of.  He must win the best two out of three.  Finally, when the stars are aligned, the female may put her egg sack on display.  The male then dumps a heavy layer of Tabasco sauce on it and well, you can imagine what happens next.
  • Zebatars – They can have sex with their minds.  Beware, if a Zebatar is looking at you funny, he may be having his way with you.  Then again, he could just have bad gas.

All in all, there are 12,034,234,653,827,029,469,235,555,888,999,235,701.5 known sexes in the universe.  Kind of makes you humans with your paltry two types of private parts seem like slouches, doesn’t it?

Obviously, that’s too many types of genitals to discuss here, but needless to say, never offer to shake an alien’s hand.  Sure you might be shaking a hand or you might be shaking, well…you know.

Now if you’ll excuse me, 3.5 readers, these bra criminals aren’t going to bust themselves.  Punny.

Alien Jones is the Bookshelf Battle Blog’s intergalactic correspondent, graciously lending the power of his brain to answer your questions.

Ask the Alien a question and he may very well plug your book or blog in his answer. Ask questions in the comments or tweet them to @bookshelfbattle

Together, we can promote self-published material and ween the masses off reality television, a form of entertainment that Alien Jones’ boss, the maniacal alien despot known as “The Mighty Potentate” despises so much that he’s plotting an invasion of Earth just to stop it.

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Movie Review – Life (2017)

Ryan Reynolds.  Jake Gyllenaal.  A murderous space amoeba.

BQB here with a review of Life.

Our tale begins on a happy note.  The crew of the International Space Station has received a sample of soil taken from Mars and returned via a probe.  It contains what seems to be a great scientific discovery, namely living bacteria – proof that life exists beyond Earth.

The crew seeks to study this life form but alas, said bacteria has other ideas in mind.  It’s essentially a high paced monster movie in space, as the crew try to save themselves while also trying to keep the life form from reaching Earth.

One observation is that this is really an ensemble cast.  Reynolds and Gyllenhaal are the two most recognizable stars, but they don’t drive the focus or action of the film.  Crew members Sho, Miranda, Kat, and Hugh (Hiroyuki Sanada, Rebecca Ferguson, Olga Dihovichnaya and Ariyon Bakare, respectively) all get their chance to shine.

Reynolds of Deadpool fame is snarky as always.  One day I’d like to hear the story of why a good looking dude (I’m not gay it’s just an observation) still tries so hard.  Handsome/beautiful people tend to coast on their looks – in my opinion.  Yes, I am discriminatory against the beautiful.

STATUS: Shelf-worthy.  Worth a trip to the theater.

 

 

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Ask the Alien – Help Bookshelf Q. Battler Save the World – 11/12/16

By: Alien Jones, Intergalactic Correspondent

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Greetings Earth Losers.

Before I begin, I’d like to say congratulations to America for concluding its presidential election.

You may have thought this election was tough. In fact, it reminded me of the Flaknarkian election of 29292929 for the position of Illustrious Poobah.

The Flaknarkians are a walrus shaped people.  The male candidate was an elderly walrus with outlandish hair and the female was also an elderly walrus but she had a penchant for falling down all the time.

Hmm…come to think of it, there wasn’t a lot of difference between that election and yours.

Anyway, if your candidate prevailed, congratulations. If your candidate lost, my condolences.

But whether you are happy are sad by the results of this election, fear not, for it is meaningless, as the Mighty Potentate will most certainly take control of your wretched planet at some point anyway.

You may recall that some time ago my supreme overlord, the Mighty Potentate, declared that Bookshelf Q. Battler is the chosen one, the only writer capable of putting out a book so finely crafted that it would inspire the masses to give up on reality television altogether.

It’s been over a year and alas, BQB has yet to publish a novel.

Ergo, to prevent the spread of reality television across the cosmos, His Potentosity is planning a hostile takeover of your planet should BQB fail in his writing efforts.

In other words, start getting used to the idea of being ruled by the Mighty Potentate because it doesn’t look like BQB will ever get his ass into gear.

But you can help BQB and in so doing, save your planet from the Mighty Potentate’s potent potential.

All you need to do is follow BQB on one of the following time wasting social media sites that aliens invented to cause all of you dumb humans to grow dumber, fatter, lazier and more obnoxious and angry about literally everything.

Oh wait. I’ve said too much.

BQB on Twitter

BQB on Facebook

BQB on Wattpad

BQB on Google Plus

BQB is an especially Twitterer.  In fact, he Tweets as much as your incoming president but he is not as orange.

BQB checks in on Facebok and Wattpad regularly but has been letting Google + slide, though he needs to get back to it soon.

So follow him and then once he writes his book you can help him promote it and in effect, save the world from the Mighty Potentate.

In the meantime, if you see BQB screwing around on this pitiful blog, tell him to get his back ass to work on his novel, for the fate of the world is at stake.

Alien Jones is the Bookshelf Battle Blog’s intergalactic correspondent, graciously lending the power of his brain to answer your questions.

Ask the Alien a question and he may very well plug your book or blog in his answer. Ask questions in the comments or tweet them to @bookshelfbattle

Together, we can promote self-published material and ween the masses off reality television, a form of entertainment that Alien Jones’ boss, the maniacal alien despot known as “The Mighty Potentate” despises so much that he’s plotting an invasion of Earth just to stop it.

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BQB’s Badass Writing Prompts – Part 2 – #11-20

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Writing prompts that will muster your gusto and flummox your failures:

#11 – The Love Triangle

Molly posts a special announcement on her preferred time wasting social media site.

She announces that she is engaged to her boyfriend Doug.  She also posts pictures of herself and Doug, along with a close-up of the sparkly diamond that Doug got her.

Molly’s friend/social media follower Kate is confused because Doug sure looks a helluvalot like Steve, her fiancé.  Even worse, that diamond ring looks a lot like the ring that Steve gave her three months ago.

Kate has been beside herself with woe as of late because she thought she had misplaced said ring.

Or did she?  What’s going on?

#12 – For God and Country

Super spy Dex Reynolds is on a mission to retrieve a set of stolen nuclear launch codes.

The only one who can tell our hero where the codes are is an octogenarian cougar by the name of Wrinkles Houlihan.

Wrinkles corners Dex in his boudoir and pops out her dentures.  She removes her oversized rubber underpants and on cue, a bat flies out.

Will Dex take one for the team or will he allow the nuclear codes to remain in the hands of Wrinkles’ master, the evil fiend Dr. Mean Face?

#13 – Killer Doll

Phil moves into a new apartment.  The rooms are bare save for an old, goofy looking doll with googly eyes and stringy yarn hair.

Recently divorced and feeling down, Phil laughs when he sees the doll and decides to keep it on his mantle in the hopes that it will bring him good luck.  He even gives his new friend a name, “Patches” due to the green patch sewed into the doll’s blue pants.

Weeks later, a series of murders occurs in Phil’s new neighborhood.  Every day, Phil turns on the TV only to discover a new report detailing the gruesome murder of one of his neighbors.

Oddly enough, each day, Phil notices that Patches appears to be in a different place on the mantle.  Assuming that he is just seeing things, Phil shrugs it off.

Days pass.  The murders continue. Phil is always in a different place.

Phil continues to believe he is nuts for suspecting the doll, but just to be safe, one night he tosses Patches into his fridge, shuts the door, and goes to bed.

The next morning, Phil wakes up to discover his fridge is open, his doll and all of his beer are missing, and the local news channel is reporting yet another murder.

What is Phil to do?

#14 – Kung-Fu Granny

While walking through the park one day, a mugger attacks you and your beloved granny.

You throw your hands into the air and tell the muggers to take whatever they want.

Granny, on the other hand, throws down her walker and gives the punk a taste of her sweet ass martial arts moves.  Kicks. Flips. The works.

How did granny acquire this skill and why did she never tell you about it?

#15 – Intergalactic Inequality

In the hopes of discovering a planet that does not suffer from racism, a diverse group of human explorers take to the stars in search of a more open minded planet.

They find Quimbo, a lovely, resource rich planet.  The Quimboners (look, that’s their name because words mean different things on different planets so get your mind out of the gutter) invite the space explorers to stay.

The Quimboners are humanoids.  They are tall, have tough, scaly skin and walk on two feet.

More interestingly, they come in every color of the rainbow.  Purple, red, blue, white, black, green, gold, orange and so on.

“I can’t believe on your home planet humans are mean to one another based on skin color,” King Quimbos, Supreme Ruler of All Quimboners and He’ll Thank You for Not Poking Fun at His Name or Title.

“Yes,” Major Krumpert, leader of the space explorers, replies. “We are so glad to have found a planet where racial discrimination does not exist.”

“It certainly does not exist here,” King Quimbos says. “Since the dawn of time, the Kuimboners have all gotten along, regardless of color. Why, the idea to not like our fellow Quimboners based on skin color never popped into our minds.”

“Glad to hear it,” Major Krumpert says.

The King and his royal guard take the space explorers on a tour of capital city.  While out and about, the space explorers notice a series of signs:

  • Butts not allowed.
  • Butt free establishment.
  • If you have a butt you’re not welcome here.
  • Hey hey, ho ho, Kuimboners with butts have got to go.

“What gives?” Major Krumpet asks as he points to one of the signs.

“Oh,” King Quimbos says as he rolls all three of his eyes. “Our species evolved thousands of years ago to the point where we no longer need butts.  Our bodies take only the energy that is needed out of food and then the rest spontaneously combusts without adding fat or excrement.”

“Amazing,” Major Krumpet said.

“Yes,” King Quimbos replies. “But alas, not every Quimboner was lucky enough to evolve. Quimboners with butts are dirty vermin, always ruining everything with their wretched butts. Those, they are second-class citizens, not welcome in any respectable establishment and forced into lives of involuntary servitude.”

Major Krumpet and his team all break out into a cold sweat.

“Why?” King Quimbos asks. “You all don’t have butts, do you?”

How does Major Krumpert extricate himself from this sticky situation?

And will the Quimboners with butts ever know justice and equality?

#16 – Hubert the Talking Dolphin

Billy swims too far out to sea but luckily is saved from certain death by drowning by a plucky talking dolphin named Hubert.

How did Hubert learn to talk?

What adventures will Billy and Hubert get into next?

#17 – Bubble Bubble Toil and…Aww, You Know the Rest

A coven of hag witches wants to cook up a spell that will make them beautiful and desired by all men.

What ingredients will they toss into their cauldron to make it so?

#18 – Upside Down

The year is 2150.  The world has been conquered by a crazed cult known as “The Foot Hand Front.”

That’s right. They believe that man was meant to walk on his hands and manipulate objects with his feet.

They pass laws to that effect. No one is allowed to walk on their feet anymore.  All personal movement must be done by using hands as feet.

Will the citizens of the world stand (on their feet or their hands or with any body part) for this?

If so, why?

If not, expound upon the ensuing revolution. Who will be the heroes of the “Walk on Your Feet” movement and what will their victories be?

#19 – Super You

Congratulations. You are now a super hero.

What will your super power be?

What will your costume look like?

Who will be your side-kick?

Will you have a fancy car, plane, motorcycle or other awesome conveyances?

What about high-tech gadgets?

Whether real or make believe, what will the city you protect be like?

And finally, who will be your super villain? (Muah ha ha ha!)

#20 – Love at First Sight

Do you believe in love at first sight?  If so, write a scene where two strangers meet for the first time. What is the setting and what is it that causes them to fall in love?

If you don’t, what about a short story in which two people meet and over time, they grow to love and need each other? What series of circumstances would cause their love to grow over time?

And how much time would it take?

 

 

 

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