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Dec 25 2016
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Zom Fu

Zom Fu – Chapter 12

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Far outside the sanctuary’s walls, Junjie stood near a cliff and practiced his anti-stress moves. The Soaring Eagle. The Perplexed Dove. The Wounded Butterfly. They were more or less the same as they all required him to close his eyes and slowly wave his arms up and down while maintaining his balance on a short, stubby tree stump.

The trick was that he had to stand one one foot the entire time.  Thus, the handsome hero was given quite a start when the master’s voice came out of nowhere.

“Junjie.”

“Whoa, whoa…whoa!” Junjie cried as he tumbled backward and fell into the grass. He looked up to find a transparent apparition that sure looked a lot like…

“Infallible Master!” Junjie shouted as he stood up.

“Yes?” the apparition replied.

Timidly, Junjie pressed his hand through the apparition’s form and marveled as it passed right through.

Junjie’s lips quivered. His hand shook. “Oh master! You’re dead!”

“What?” the master asked. “No. I’m just practicing the art of astral projection.”

“Astral…what-jection?” Junjie asked.

“Astral projection,” the master repeated. “The ability to separate body from spirit so that both may exist on the same plane.”

“Is that even possible?” Junjie asked.

“Obviously,” the master said. “Though it is a feat that has taken me a thousand years to achieve. It is the most complex skill that a kung fu master can acquire.  I only figured it out recently.”

“So, if your spirit is here, where is your body now?” Junjie asked.

“Back meditating in my room,” the master replied. “Though it has been known to get up and do things without me. It could be making breakfast for all I know.  One time I caught it dancing.”

The master looked down at his student’s hand. It was still lodged in the stomach area of the master’s spirit.

“My son,” the master said. “If you intend to keep your hand there much longer you will have to make me dinner.”

“Oh,” Junjie said as he pulled his hand back. “I’m sorry.”

The master stepped towards the cliff. “Beautiful day.”

“Yes,” Junjie replied. “I practice here most mornings. Here, I can enjoy the peace, the quiet, the cool air…”

“…the interesting scenery,” the master said as he pointed his translucent finger toward Mei-Ling, who was practicing her moves by the banks of the river below, unaware that she was being watched.

“What?” Junjie asked. “Who? Her? I didn’t even notice she was there.”

“Come now, my son,” the master said. “As Guowei, the Seventh Infallible Master used to say, ‘He who spreads bullshit to a shitter of bulls is bound to get shit on his face.’”

“How can one be a shitter of bulls?” Junjie asked.

“I have no idea,” the master said. “The Seventh Infallible Master was a big fan of the opium so I doubt he knew either, but the point is, stop lying. There is no need to and it does not befit you.”

Junjie sighed. “I love her so, master.”

“Hmm,” the master grunted. “And does she feel the same way about you?”

“I hope so,” Junjie said. “Though I don’t know, really. We’ve had some talks. Well, I talked. She listened and made various faces of an inconclusive nature.”

“Ah,” the master said. “Women were a puzzlement a thousand years ago and little has changed since. There can be no doubt that they will always be a mystery.”

“A beautiful mystery,” Junjie said.

“And unfortunately, if you are to be the Twentieth Master, Mei-Ling shall have to remain a mystery that you will never solve.”

Junjie looked sullen. “I figured as much.”

“My son,” the master said. “I would never stand in the way of the happiness of my students. If she loves you, and you her, and if a life together is what you both desire, then I bid you both to go into the world and start a family of your very own.”

“That is a nice thought,” Junjie said.

“But whether you are a master or a disciple, the path of kung fu is a lonely one,” the master said. “It requires your complete and undivided attention. Love your fellow students. Love your family. But romantic love has no place within our sanctuary’s walls.  It is a dangerous distraction that could get you or another disciple killed.”

“I know,” Junjie said. “And I have no idea what to do.”

“Extending your life indefinitely while serving as the Twentieth Master of the Clan of the Sacred Yet Inscrutable Tiger Claw is a rare opportunity,” the master said.

“It is,” Junjie replied.

“But,” the master said. “Loving someone who loves you back is just as rare. She may even bring you more happiness than the Staff of Ages could. I would not know. It has been over a thousand and seventy years since I’ve known the love of a woman.”

Junjie choked back a cough. “A thousand and…”

“Yeah,” the master said. “You won’t be getting boom boom anytime soon if you become the next master so keep that in mind. No one told me that before I signed up for the job, let me tell you.”

“But master,” Junjie said. “The Staff chose me.”

“It did,” the master said. “But you must also choose it.”

“What happens if someone rejects the staff’s power?” Junjie asked.

“Honestly?” the master asked as he stroked his beard. “I don’t know. No one has ever done it before.”

“I have a lot to think about,” Junjie said.

“Indeed,” the master replied. “And not much time within which to do your thinking. My body grows weaker and I fear the Staff will allow me to expire soon. I would like to know that the Twentieth Master is in place before I make my way to Diyu.”

“This is all so much,” Junjie said.

“Well,” the master said. “My advice would be that you talk to Mei-Ling…as much as you can. You wouldn’t want to give up the chance at being a kung fu master for a woman who doesn’t love you…but you also wouldn’t want to take on this life changing role without knowing how the woman you love feels about you.”

“Do you know if she loves me?” Junjie asked.

“Ha,” the master said. “I may be the master of the greatest of all kung fu clans, but I will never be a master when it comes to the female mind. Talk to her, my son. Reveal the mystery of her heart and make a decision.”

“What if I make the wrong one?” Junjie asked.

“Then you will fall on your face and live with the consequences forever,” the master said.

“Huh,” Junjie said. “I was hoping for a better response.”

“Welcome to adulthood,” the master said.

The master’s ghostly form disappeared and left Junjie to observe the woman he loved all by himself.

“What am I going to do?” Junjie asked himself.

Poof! The master’s apparition appeared again.

Junjie’s frightened scream was mildly reminiscent of a woman. “Ack!”

“But seriously,” the master said. “Make a decision before tomorrow morning because the clock is ticking.”

Poof. The master’s spirit disappeared. Junjie waited a full minute before deciding he was all alone.

“Oh Mei-Ling,” Junjie said as he observed Mei-Ling practice her stances. “How I wonder what you think of me.”

Poof! The master was back and this time, he scared Junjie so much that the young man had to clutch his heart and breathe deeply just to slow it down.

“Master!” Junjie said. “You have to stop doing that!”

“Oh sorry,” the master said. “I thought this was the kitchen.”

Poof!

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Dec 24 2016
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Zom Fu

Zom Fu – Chapter 11

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In the courtyard of his clan’s sanctuary, the master held his hands behind his back and paced back and forth as he trained the three hundred members of the tiger claw clan. Each member stood before a pole with a straw dummy attached.

“Claw!” the master shouted.

The students held out their hands as if they were claws.

“Strike!”

The students slashed their clawed hands through the dummies’ chests, allowing straw to spill out everywhere.

“Seize!”

Each student grabbed hold of an orange.

“Twist!”

The students twisted their hands back and forth, though in this simulation, there were no guts to fight through.

“Yank!”

The students removed their oranges and held them up victoriously.

“Disciples,” the master said. “All kung fu clans have been trusted with one signature move, a move that when utilized, can devastate an opponent. We have been trusted with the most deadly of moves, not just because ours is the oldest and most revered clan, but because the Staff of Ages has always kept our Infallible Masters on the path of righteousness. It has done so with my predecessors. It has done so with me. It will do so with Junjie when he replaces me.”

The old man stroked his beard. “Swear to me that you will never use the Sacred Yet Inscrutable Tiger Claw for evil!”

“We swear!” the students shouted in unison.

“Good,” the old man said. “That is all for this morning. Continue to practice, and we shall resume our studies this afternoon.”

The students formed small groups and showed off their moves to one another as the master hobbled into the temple. Slowly, the old man made his way to his room, sat upon the floor, closed his eyes, and began his meditation.

“Body and spirit become two,” the master repeated over and over. “Body and spirit become two.”

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Dec 24 2016
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Zom Fu

Zom Fu – Chapter 10

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The Grand Library of the Clan of the Sacred Yet Inscrutable Tiger Claw was old, dusty and in a state of disrepair. The reading tables were rickety. The floor was dirty. Cobwebs grew over the thousands upon thousands of scrolls stored in cubby holes along the walls.

“You’ve appointed me as a janitor, master?” Niu asked.

The master laughed as he leaned on a desk. “No, my son. It has been three years since Scholar Jing succumbed to his advanced age and I have yet to find a replacement.”

Niu looked around the room. “I can see why. No one wants to get their hands dirty?”

“No,” the old man said. “No one realizes the honor of this great position.”

Scholar Jing’s desk was decorated with a gold inlay that was in desperate need of polishing. Curious as to what it contained, Niu opened a drawer only to step back as a bat flew out. It squeaked menacingly, then flapped its wings until it was out of the library.

“I can’t say I’m feeling the honor as of yet, master,” Niu said.

“Kung fu is the way of peace,” the master said. “The way of tranquility. Defense over offense is our way yet many young students fill their minds with thoughts of adventure and daring do. No one wants to be a kung fu librarian.”

“And I should?” Niu asked.

“Of course,” the master said as he pointed to the cubby hole lined walls. “These scrolls contain the history of our clan. Each scholar records the events of his time and passes it down to the next scholar. It is an essential role, for if we lose our past, then our grip on the future becomes tenuous at best.”

Niu folded his giant muscular arms and looked down at the old man. “And when you look at me, a librarian is what you see?”

“No,” the master said. “I see an ox capable of crashing through enemy lines and destroying opponents two at a time. But there is what you look like on the outside and who you are on the inside.”

Niu sat down at Scholar Jing’s desk. The chair creaked and cracked apart, leaving Niu’s backside on the floor.

“And who am I on the inside?” Niu asked as he stood up.

“Someone who realizes this is a job that needs to be done and…”

Niu dusted himself off and sighed. “Someone who realizes if I wasn’t meant for this job, I wouldn’t be here.”

“You are free to turn it down,” the master said.

“No,” Niu said. “Though I’m going to need a bigger chair.”

“The library is yours to furnish as you see fit,” the master said as he led the big man out of the library and down a hallway.

“As our scholar, you will keep the library in superb condition, maintain the scrolls of past scholars, and advise those who seek information,” the master said.

“I understand,” Niu said.

“Naturally, I expect you to keep a full training schedule, as you are still a member of China’s most revered kung fu clan,” the master said.

“Naturally,” Niu said.

“But you must also devote your free time to reading the scrolls and absorbing their wisdom,” the master said. “You must start with the tale of how the Staff of Ages was constructed in Heaven and gifted to the First Infallible Master so that he would be inspired to raise the first kung fu clan and call upon others to raise clans in service of the Emperor.”

“That sounds like a lot of reading, master,” Niu said.

“Yes,” the master said, “But it is knowledge you will need to perform a scholar’s most important task.”

“An important task?” Niu asked. “Is it dangerous?”

When Niu and the master reached the end of the hallway, the old man opened up a pair of double doors. The pair stepped into a room where fifty children, ranging in ages from five to twelve, sat at tables and ate breakfast.

“Very,” the master said. “All scholars must educate the next generation, and don’t expect them to go easy on you.”

The master clapped his hands. “Children!”

Like a swarm energetic locusts, the kids jumped out of their seats and surrounded the visitors.

“Master, master!” the little ones cried.

“Hello, young ones,” the master said. “Behold, Scholar Niu, your new teacher.”

Niu grimaced as the kids swarmed around him.

“Wow, he is huge!” one child said.

“Like a mountain with eyeballs,” another child added.

“Master,” Niu said. “Why are the fates punishing me?”

The master laughed. “It may seem that way now, but in time, you will recognize this duty as a blessing, just as Scholar Jing did.”

“I am the greatest kung fu champion!” a little boy shouted as he kicked Niu square in the groin.

Timber. Like a mighty tree severed from its base, the clan’s newest scholar came crashing down to the floor with a tremendous thud.

“I think Scholar Jing was a better man than I,” Niu said as he stared up at the ceiling.

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Dec 24 2016
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Zom Fu

Zom Fu – Part 1 – The Test of the Twentieth Infallible Master

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Yaozu, the Nineteenth Infallible Master of the Clan of the Sacred Yet Inscrutable Tiger Claw, calls upon his four best students Junjie, Bohai, Mei-Ling and Niu, to compete for the Staff of Ages, the prize that will determine the clan’s next master.

Bohai takes the competition way too seriously.

That evening, Dragonhand’s Clan of the Terrifyingly Unnatural Brain Bite defeats the Clan of the Mystifying Monkey Slap.  The ruler of all zom fu warriors devours the brains of the Vengeful Master and the Sorceress Suyin.  In doing so, their knowledge, and thus their power, become his.

Chapter 1          Chapter 2          Chapter 3          Chapter 4

Chapter 5          Chapter 6          Chapter 7         Chapter 8

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Dec 23 2016
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Zom Fu

Zom Fu – Chapter 8

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“Suyin,” Dragonhand said. “When I welcomed you into my clan, I did so with doubt.”

“Because of my humanity?” Suyin asked.

“Because of your allegiance,” Dragonhand answered. “Is it to me or to the Sisterhood of the Flame?”

Suyin cocked her head to one side. “It can’t be to both?”

“Have you ever known me to be adept at sharing?” Dragonhand asked.

Suyin brushed her hand against her master’s ruined face. “No master, but there’s plenty of me to go around.”

Dragonhand pushed the sorceress’ hand away. “I have come too far only to have the witches you answer to steal my victory from me.”

“The sisterhood only seeks chaos, master,” Suyin said. “When the world burns, we are pleased.”

“And if it ever comes down to me or them?” Dragonhand asked.

“Why, you of course,” Suyin replied. “Have I ever given you a reason to doubt my loyalty?”

“Hmm,” Dragonhand grunted. “No.”

“Have you not benefitted from my wise counsel?” Suyin asked.

“I have,” Dragonhand said. “And I need it now.”

“Certainly,” Suyin said. “What troubles you?”

“I have spent the past two decades defeating the greatest kung fu masters in all of China,” Dragonhand said. “I have devoured their brains and made their knowledge mine. The Steadfast Master. The Resplendent Master. The Triumphant Master. The Reluctant Master. The Astute Master. The Clever Master…”

Suyin carried on with Dragonhand’s resume. “The Studious Master. The Morose Master. The Nimble Master. The Uncanny Master. The Humble Master.”

“And now the Vengeful Master,” Dragonhand said. “Surely now I am ready take my rightful place upon the Dragon Throne.”

“The brains of the fallen masters have made you very powerful indeed,” Suyin said.

“And now the Emperor’s brain is ripe for the chomping,” Dragonhand said. “When I rip his brain out of his head, all of China will be mine.”

“Yes,” Suyin said. “But you know as well as I, my lord, that a most formidable brain stands between you and the Emperor’s brain.”

“Who would dare come between me and the brain I desire?” Dragonhand asked.

“The Infallible Master,” Suyin said.

“Ha,” Dragonhand said. “I have already mastered the Sacred Yet Inscrutable Tiger Claw. The Infallible Master’s brain is useless to me. That old fool is nothing.”

“And yet, with the Staff of Ages, he is everything,” Suyin said.

“Ahh, that cheap bauble,” Dragonhand said. “I have no use for it. Eternal life is already mine.”

Suyin raised a quizzical eyebrow. “Is it?”

“Yes.”

“But is it?”

“How is it not?” Dragonhand asked.

“Yes, you will live forever in this undead state, my lord,” Suyin said. “But would you not prefer to live forever as a handsome, healthy, virile man again?”

Dragonhand pondered the question. “Indeed I would, but the Staff of Ages has a mind of its own. It would never allow me to use its power and even if it would, it would only keep me alive for a time period of its choosing.”

Suyin raised her hand and set it ablaze. The low flames crackled before Dragonhand’s eyes.

“I have learned much from the Sisterhood,” Suyin said. “Bring me the staff and I will unlock its secrets for you.”

Dragonhand shook his head. “Ahh. Your treachery reveals itself.”

“Pardon, my lord?” Suyin asked.

“All these years you stood by my side not out of allegiance to me but so I would grow strong enough to defeat the Clan of the Sacred Yet Inscrutable Tiger Claw, steal the Staff of Ages and give it to you, so that you might run off with it like a thief and turn it over to the Sisterhood of the Flame.”

The flames circling Suyin’s hand dissipated. She attempted to brush her hand up against her master’s cheek again, but before she could, her hand was seized and twisted.

The sorceress cried out in pain. “No…master! I…I’ll use my magic to deny the staff its free will.”

“To make it easier for the Sisterhood to use it against me,” Dragonhand said.

“No,” the sorceress said. “I will teach you all I know of magic so that you will be able to do all I can do and more. You will be able to wield the Staff of Ages and it will be powerless to refuse you.”

Dragonhand released Suyin. “Interesting. How long would that take?”

“For you to learn how to become a sorcerer?” Suyin asked. “At least a decade or more.”

“Bah,” Dragonhand said. “Too long.”

“But you have nothing but time,” Suyin said.

“Yes,” Dragonhand replied. “But I have very little patience.”

The fiend brushed his greasy fingers through Suyin’s hair. She smiled.

“I have another idea,” Dragonhand said. “It will be faster, but I fear I ask too much.”

“You can ask anything of me, master,” Suyin said.

Dragonhand turned away. “Anything?”

“Anything at all,” Suyin said.

“Good.” Dragonhand turned his hand into a tiger claw and before Suyin had a chance to scream, her master was ripping her brain out of her skull.

The fiend looked down at Suyin’s remains as though they were an annoyance, then sniffed his prize. He licked it. Tasted it. He took his time with it.

“There’s just something special about a good female brain,” Dragonhand said.

Lickspittle shuffled over, lugging a sack filled with brains swiped from the fallen members of the monkey slap clan.

“An excellent haul, master,” Lickspittle said. “Our warriors won’t go hungry tonight.”

The lackey noticed the sorceress’ body.

“Difference of opinion?” Lickspittle asked.

Dragonhand crunched and munched a piece of his latest victim’s gray matter between his teeth. “Not exactly. I just needed her brain more than she did.”

“I hope you’ll never get a craving for my brain, master,” Lickspittle said.

Dragonhand finished devouring his prize, then held out his hands. Instantly, they were consumed by fire.

“Don’t worry, worm. I would never want to be that stupid.”

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Dec 21 2016
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Zom Fu

Zom Fu – Chapter 6

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Bohai released Mei-Ling. All four fighters fell into a line and bowed before the master.

“Bohai,” the master said. “You would dare use the Sacred Yet Inscrutable Tiger Claw so recklessly against a member of your own clan?”

“What of it?” Bohai asked. “No rules were specified for this test.”

“Do not play dumb,” the master said. “Our signature move is inscrutable, for it takes years of practice to master. It is sacred because it must only be used as a last resort.”

“There was no other option,” Bohai said.

“Indeed, there was,” the master said. “You could have continued the fight without using our most severe move, or better yet, you could have recognized Mei-Ling’s skill and yielded.”

Bohai blew a raspberry in the master’s general direction. “Pbbht. Yielding power will never be an option for me…especially to a woman.”

The master sighed. “Then I fear I have failed you, my son, for surely you must realize that no one, not even the worst enemy imaginable, deserves to see one of his internal organs ripped out by the mighty tiger claw and displayed before him as the last sight he sees before he dies. If you abuse the tiger claw, you will surely be judged harshly by the Yama Kings when your time to cross over to Diyu comes.”

Bohai rolled his eyes. “Spare me the fairy tales, old man. Give me my staff.”

“You have yet to be chosen,” the master said as he rested the ruby end of the Staff of Ages on the cocky fighter’s shoulder. The ruby stayed dim. “And thank goodness, you will not be.”

“What?” Bohai asked.

“You have much to learn, my son,” the master said before moving on to Niu.

“Perhaps the fates will find the third time to be the charm,” Niu said.

The master smiled as he pressed the ruby against the big man’s shoulder.  It remained dark.

“Perhaps not,” Niu said.

“My son,” the master said as he looked up at Niu’s face. “Your devotion to fatalist dogma has clearly given you a sense of peace and tranquility that I wish would exist in all of my disciples. However, a master must make his own fate in the world.”

“I understand, master,” Niu said. “But I believe I am destined to not agree.”

The master patted Niu’s shoulder. “Chin up, for there is another role I will soon discuss with you, one you are better suited for.”

Mei-Ling stood quietly as the master pressed the ruby against her shoulder. No change.

“My daughter,” the master said. “You fought bravely and boldly. You saw an opportunity and you took it. Most importantly, you used your mind as well as your fists.”

The master peered at the dark ruby. “Unfortunately, a master cannot command a clan effectively if she refuses to use her voice.”

Mei-Ling nodded.

Junjie stood at attention as the master pressed the ruby against his shoulder. It lit up brightly, filling the room with red light.

“Master?” an astonished Junjie asked.

“Behold,” the master said. “The Twentieth Infallible Master of the Clan of the Sacred Yet Inscrutable Tiger Claw.”

Without hesitation, Niu and Mei-Ling dropped to their knees and kowtowed to their next leader.

“What?” Junjie asked. “Master, no…”

“Yes,” the master replied.

“But I don’t want this,” Junjie said.

“Which is why you must accept it,” the master said.

A tiny, nearly shredded sliver of respect for the master was all that kept Bohai from turning into a ball of fury and lashing out with his fists at everyone in the room.

“That…staff…is…mine,” Bohai said through gritted teeth.

“The staff disagrees,” the master said. “Who am I to tell the Staff of Ages that it has made the wrong decision?”

“Do you take me for a fool?” Bohai asked.

“You saw the ruby glow when it touched your brother,” the master said.

“A cheap parlor trick,” Bohai said. “You’ve rigged it. There’s a button or something somewhere. I’m sure of it.”

“A thousand years ago I was a hundred years old when the Eighteenth Infallible Master called upon me to fight with the three greatest disciples of the clan at the time,” the master said. “At the conclusion of the bout, the ruby glowed for me, as it did for the previous masters and as it does for Junjie now.”

Bohai spat at Junjie’s feet. “I will never kowtow to you.”

“I don’t want you to, brother,” Junjie said.

“I cornered Mei-Ling,” Bohai said to the master. “I was within seconds of defeating her when you interfered, old man. I won that staff.”

“The purpose of the fight was not to win or lose,” the master said. “It was to show the staff who you are…”

The master took the staff away from Junjie and pointed at Bohai. The ruby went dark.

“…and the staff did not like what it saw in you.”

Bohai turned his back on the master and started to walk away.

“Bohai!” the master shouted.

The young fighter stopped.

“There is no need for you to leave,” the master said. “We all make mistakes. Be ashamed of your behavior today. Begin to learn from it tomorrow.”

“I will not be a member of a clan that refuses to recognize that I am its rightful leader,” Bohai said.

“It pains me to say this, but I fear you are walking down the same dark path a former student of mine took long ago,” the master said. “His name was Longwei, and like you, he was a gifted fighter, but he was ruled by petty feelings of jealousy and anger, as well as an unquenchable thirst for power”

Bohai turned around to face the master.

“Do you know what happened to him?” the master asked.

“I don’t know,” Bohai replied. “Did he quit when he couldn’t stand to listen to an old man’s bullshit any longer?”

“No,” the master said. “He renounced our clan, took the name Dragonhand, formed his own clan and has been on a bloody rampage throughout the countryside for the past twenty years.”

Bohai shook his head. “Another fairy tale.”

The master put his hand on his student’s shoulder. “A true tale.”

Bohai shook the master’s hand off. “I am a man. ‘Be a good boy or you’ll end up like Dragonhand’ may have worked on me when I was a child, but you’ll have to do better than boogeyman stories now.”

The master sighed. “If you wish to go, I will not stop you.”

“I will leave in the morning,” Bohai said as he walked away. “And not a second too soon.”

As soon as Bohai left, the master’s remaining students rallied around him.

“Should I talk to him, master?” Junjie asked.

“I fear that will only make things worse,” the master said.

“Do not worry, master,” Niu said. “If Bohai is meant to stay, then he will stay.”

The master exhaled loudly. “Niu, that is the first thing you have ever said to me that makes any sense.”

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Dec 21 2016
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Zom Fu

Zom Fu – Chapter 5

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Mei-Ling swung across the open expanse of the tower. Her trajectory took her lower and lower until she crashed through the bannister of the tenth floor. The silent warrior bunched up two ends of her robe and tied them tightly around the staff. She then backed up to the open edge of the floor, hopped backwards, fell and caught the bannister of the ninth floor with her hands.

Clear on the other side of the tower, Bohai and Junjie did the same. All three fighters fell and caught, fell and caught until they rejoined Niu and the master on the bottom floor.

Junjie, Bohai and Mei-Ling fanned out into a circle. They traded glances. They paced about. Mdi-Ling untied the staff and held it out in front of her as if it were a bo.

“Ha,” Bohai said. “Do you honestly think that the Clan of the Sacred Yet Inscrutable Tiger Claw will take orders from a woman?”

Mei-Ling furrowed her brow at Bohai.

“Brother,” Junjie said. “Our sister has made it to the ground with the staff. The test is over.”

Bohai’s nostrils flared. “This is over when I say it is over!”

“This is over when the master says it is over,” Junjie said as he looked to the old man. “Master?”

The old man shrugged his shoulders. “Meh. I could watch for a little longer.”

Two razor sharp swords hung on the wall. Boohoo removed both weapons and tossed one to Junjie, who caught it by the handle.

“I will fight no further,” Junjie said as he dropped to his knees. “Bohai, join Niu and I in yielding to the Twentieth Infallible Master.”

Niu perked up. “Oh, I have not yielded yet brother. I am still in this fight.”

“Idiots the both of you,” Bohai said. “Especially you, Junjie. What? You think if you just hand Mei-Ling this power she might give you a little kiss?”

Embarrassed, Junjie cast his eyes toward the floor. “I have given her nothing.”

Bohai turned his attention to Mei-Ling. “If you’re still alive after this, I’ll let you be my chamber maid.”

Many fighters would have felt the sting of Bohai’s insult, but Mei-Ling ignored it. She raised the Staff of Ages up just in time to absorb Bohai’s attack.

Clang, clang, clang! Bohai and Mei-Ling clashed in a series of spectacular blocks and thrusts, some of which caused sparks to fly as metal struck jade.

“Oof,” Bohai said as he took the ruby end of the staff to his stomach. Bohai fought through the pain and launched a kick at Mei-Ling. It connected and sent the silent warrior flying backward.

Amidst the confusion, the staff fell out of Mei-Ling’s hands, skittered across the floor and bumped into Niu’s leg.

The big man opened his eyes and looked down and reached for the treasure. “The fates giveth…”

Junjie stepped on the staff, preventing Niu from picking it up.

“…and the fates taketh away,” Niu said as he closed his eyes and returned to his mediation.

When the handsome hero picked up the staff, the ruby glowed brightly, almost blindingly. Junjie tried to look away but he couldn’t. He was mesmerized.

The grunts and smacks of the fight between Bohai and Mei-Ling snapped Junjie out of the trance. Bohai assaulted Mei-Ling with sword swing after sword swing, but Mei-Ling ducked and dodged the blade with perfection.

Junjie tossed the staff to Mei-Ling. As soon as she caught it, the ruby’s light went dark.

Bohai looked at Junjie. “Pathetic!”

Slam! Mei-Ling bashed the ruby end of the staff up against Bohai’s head. Enraged, the smarmy warrior hurled himself into the air, performed an airborne somersault, then connected his feet to Mei-Ling’s torso, sending her to the ground.

The crushing blow caused Mei-Ling to drop the staff.  Miraculously, it landed right in front of Niu again.

The big man smiled and reached for the staff.  “The fates favor me once more.”

Alas, the master was too quick for Niu in reclaiming the coveted object.

“Make up your mind, fates,” Niu muttered.

“Mei-Ling!” Junjie cried.

“You cannot interfere now that you have submitted, my son,” the master said calmly.

Bohai had Mei-Ling pinned. As he straddled her, he held out his hand as if it were a tiger’s claw, twisting it to and fro as if he were turning the lid of an imaginary jar. If Mei-Ling was afraid, she didn’t show it as she remained stoic as Bohai’s claw hand came closer and closer.

The master banged the end of the staff on the floor. “Enough!”

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Dec 20 2016
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Zom Fu

Zom Fu – Chapter 4

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Mei-Ling took a deep breath, stretched out her arms and delicately balanced her feet on the rope. Slowly, she put one foot in front of the other. As she walked, she swayed a bit to the left and a bit to the right, but was always able to correct herself each time.

Meanwhile, Bohai had ended the standoff with Junjie with a bo staff smack to Junjie’s jaw and was springing from bannister to bannister up the tower once more. Junjie remained in hot pursuit all the way to the eighteenth floor.

The Staff of Ages was within Mei-Ling’s grasp now. Her movements became a precarious dance. She kept her left arm straight out as she grabbed hold of the staff. A feeling of pride overwhelmed her, but there was no time to celebrate. Her ears filled with the sounds of fellow students at battle, prompting her to press forward.

“Bahh!” Bohai shouted as he kicked at the bannister. Junjie threw himself in front of the wooden railing and caught his opponent’s foot.

“Step aside,” Bohai said.

“Never,” Junjie replied.

The handsome hero delivered a roundhouse kick that knocked Bohai to the floor. Seeing his opponent on the ground, Junjie did not hesitate to pin Bohai down and deliver a deluge of rapid fire punches to Bohai’s face in rapid secession.

Bohai rolled out of the attack and jumped up to his feet. Both men traded punches.

“Damn you!” Bohai shouted. “Your loins have ruined your brain!”

“Your lust for power has ruined yours,” Junjie replied.

“Get out of my way,” Bohai said.

“Think of what you are doing,” Junjie said.

“I will stop at nothing to get what is mine!” Bohai shouted as he pounded Junjie’s face.

“You’d even kill one of us?” Junjie asked.

Bohai’s eyes lit up as if they were on fire. “I would kill all of you and step over your graves to rule this clan!”

With that, Bohai performed a backflip kick that grounded Junjie.

Out on the tightrope, Mei-Ling was holding the staff straight across in both hands, using it to keep her balance. Her concentration was broken when Junjie screamed.

“Mei-Ling!”
The acrobat didn’t turn around. Her situation was much too precarious for that. Instead, she gripped the staff with her left hand, then leaned down and grabbed the rope with her right.

Crack! Bohai kicked the the bannister into splinters and Mei-Ling plummeted rapidly.

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Dec 19 2016
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Zom Fu

Zom Fu – Chapter 3

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“Perhaps we should discuss this first,” was the last thing Junjie managed to say before his mouth was shut by Bohai’s foot.

Junjie brushed the blood from his lip with the back of his hand, nodded at his opponent and asked, “So that’s how it is, is it?”

“It is,” Bohai replied as he cracked his knuckles.

“So be it,”Junjie said.

The two men paced to and fro like a pair of hungry jackals until Junjie threw a punch. Bohai caught it with his left hand then attacked Junjie with his right. They became locked in an attack and deflect pattern for several minutes until Junjie finally landed his fist on Bohai’s face.

“You have no idea how long I have wanted to do that, brother,” Junjie said.

“Ahh,” Bohai said as he spit blood out of his mouth. “You have no idea how long I have wanted to do…this!”

Bohai lunged for Junjie’s arm, gripped it, and flipped Junjie into the air before slamming him to the floor.

A grounded and dizzy Junjie looked to his right to find Niu sitting perfectly still on the floor, meditating with his eyes closed.

“You’re not interested in becoming the Twentieth Infallible Master?” Junjie asked Niu.

“Oh I am,” Niu answered. “But if I am meant to have the staff…”

“…then you will have the staff,” Junjie said as he leapt to his feet and quickly dodged Bohai’s foot.

“You are daft as you are humongous, Niu!” Bohai shouted.

“Perhaps I am the last one you should be worried about,” Niu said as he pointed a finger toward the ceiling.

Bohai and Junjie looked up to find that Mei-Ling was already five floors above them and easily jumping up to the sixth.

The master laughed. “Hmm. Perhaps the first female Infallible Master’s time has come.”

Bohai performed a running jump to the second floor’s wooden bannister, grabbed it, stood upon it precariously, then jumped up to the third floor bannister. Junjie followed, nipping at Bohai’s heels.

The chase was on. Junjie remained just below Bohai until the tenth floor when Bohai decided to improvise and stomp his foot down on Junjie’s head. Knocked off balance, Junjie let go of the bannister and began to fall until he grabbed Bohai’s leg and yanked him down with him.

The duo fell through the air for a few levels until they rolled to the right and crashed through the fifth floor bannister.

Back on the ground, the master was lecturing his most gigantic student.

“I am disappointed that you are not in this, Niu,” the master said.

“I am in it,” Niu said with his eyes still closed. “If I am destined to lead then I will.”

“Sometimes I think my foot is destined for your ass,” the master said.

“If your foot is meant for my…”

“Silence!” the master shouted. The old man looked up to see Mei-Ling moving higher and higher.

“Children!” the master shouted. “Have you found the toys I have placed around the tower? Play nice with them!”

On the fifth floor, Junjie and Bohai spotted a couple of the toys in question hanging on the wall. Junjie seized a pair of nunchucks while Bohai claimed a wooden bo staff.

“Stand down before I destroy you, Junjie,” Bohai said.

“You are not worthy of the Staff of Ages,” Junjie replied. “Your disrespect of the master has proven that.”

“It is mine by right,” Bohai said. “I am the best!”

Junjie gripped one end of the nunchaku and used it to twirl the other end by the metal chain. “Prove it.”

The pair had a stair down for a while. Finally, Bohai brought his bo staff through the air in a sweeping motion. Junjie cracked his nunchaku against the staff, deflecting the attack just in time.

Attack and deflect. Attack and deflect. Eventually, Bohai managed to get a jab in against Junjie’s chest. Not to be outdone, Junjie answered the hit with a nunchaku smack against the side of Bohai’s face.

Down below, the master and Niu listened to the commotion.

“I have done nothing but show you kindness since we were children and you have done nothing but mock me for it!” Junjie cried.

“How can I make you better if I don’t point out every one of your many, many flaws?!” Bohai asked.

“Hmm,” the master grunted. “Those two have some issues to work out.”

“If they are meant to work them out then…”

The master interrupted Niu. “No one likes a fatalist know-it-all, my son.”

“Perhaps they aren’t intended to, master,” Niu said.

“Ugh,” the master said as he slapped his forehead.

Up above, Mei-Ling was now on the eighteenth and final floor. There she found a bow, an arrow, and a coil of rope. She tied one end of the rope to the bannister and the other end to the arrow.

The tower was circular in shape, little more than an extra large cylinder. Mei-Ling could see the Staff of Ages hovering just underneath the skylight, but it was much to far too reach with her hands. So, expert markswoman that she was, she took aim at a wooden support beam on the other side of the eighteenth floor, fired, and scored a direct hit.

In doing so, she created a taut tightrope. Now she just had to walk it.

However, as she leaned over the bannister and looked down to see how tiny Niu and the master looked from this height, she realized that the feat she was about to try was easier said than done.

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Dec 19 2016
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Zom Fu

Zom Fu – Chapter 2

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The Infallible Master released the staff, but it did not fall. Instead, it floated slowly – up, up, up towards the top of the tower. The quartet watched as the coveted symbol of power hovered past the stone figure of Longwei, the clan’s founder and first master. Longwei’s humble nature, as evidenced by his wide grin and thoughtful eyes, had served as a source of inspiration for countless generations of disciples.

The staff continued its ascent, passing a different stone preserved master along the way. The seventh master, the eighth master, the ninth master. Good men but all three presided over the clan during times of peace. Peace makes for happiness but provides little in the way of interesting stories.

Aiguo, the Tenth Infallible Master, was a particularly angry and foul mouthed leader. His scornful, contemptuous visage masked a deep love of his country and emperor. He wasn’t remembered for being very kind, but was revered for the role he played in aiding the Emperor with the resolution a bloody civil conflict.

Eleven, twelve, thirteen…the staff finally rested near Cheng, the Eighteenth Infallible Master and Yaozu’s immediate predecessor. Due to his buck teeth and crossed-eyes, Cheng was also considered the ugliest of the Infallible Masters Past, but he was still very much beloved all the same.

“Life and death,” Yaozu said. “These are the diametrically opposed forces that the Staff of Ages bends to its will. Just as it extended the life of so many masters, so too did it extend my existence well beyond my natural lifespan, thus allowing me to share my wisdom with the clan for many centuries.”

The Infallible Master basked in the sunlight peaking in through the window in the ceiling. “When I expire, a new level will constructed. The next master will use the staff to preserve my remains in stone so that I will be able to join our ancestral leaders in watching over the clan.”

“A well-deserved honor, master,” Junjie said.

The master shrugged his shoulders. “Meh. It’s kind of creepy if you ask me. Personally, I’d rather my carcass be burned but what are you going to do?”

“Very good, master,” Bohai said. “But enough with the song and dance. Let’s get my staff down here so I can stone you up and start running this place.”

The master chuckled. “I’m not dead yet, my son. The staff will still be mine for as long as it chooses to keep me alive. Maybe a few days, maybe a year, maybe a decade. I do not know. All I know is the staff demands a successor and therefore, I deduce that it has selected the day upon which my mortality will no longer benefit from its protection.”

Bohai rolled his eyes, then began to walk away. “Yeesh. Thanks for wasting my time then. Call me when you start to feel sick.”

The master stomped his foot and shouted, “Bohai!”

The cocky fighter stopped in his tracks and turned around to face his leader.

“What makes you so sure that you will be chosen as the Twentieth Infallible Master?”

Bohai snickered. “Why wouldn’t you choose the best?”

“Are you the best?” the master inquired.

Bohai’s head looked as though it might explode with rage. In his mind, he was so clearly the right choice that he could not comprehend the master’s inability to see it.

“Is it not obvious?” Bohai asked. “I train the most. I study the most. I know the most.”

“You are formidable,” the master said. “But no more than your contemporaries based upon my observations.”

“Bah,” Bohai scoffed as he looked away.

The master stepped towards the brash young man and looked him in the eye. “You make a mistake…”

“The only mistake I made was staying in this clan for so long,” Bohai said. “Surely there are other clans that would recognize my accomplishments.”

The master’s face filled with sadness. “There aren’t as many clans as there used to be thanks to Dragonhand, young one. Be thankful you have found a home here filled with people who care for you, despite your best efforts to exasperate them.”

“The Clan of the Mystifying Monkey Slap would be happy to have me,” Bohai said.

The master openly guffawed. “Oh young one. We masters differ in our teaching methods. Whereas I prefer to allow my students to make their mistakes so they may learn from them, the Vengeful Master would have cut out your insolent tongue and monkey slapped you with it by now.”

Junjie butted into the conversation with an “Ouch.” Niu followed it up with, “The fates would almost certainly cause that to hurt.”

As usual, Mei-Ling said nothing.

The Infallible Master paced about the floor. “Now Bohai, before I was so rudely interrupted, I was about to tell you that you make a mistake in assuming that I choose the next owner of the Staff of Ages.”

“Who chooses then?” Bohai asked.

The master pointed a finger toward the high ceiling underneath which the staff was hovering. The ruby was glowing red once more.

“Why, the staff itself, of course.”

The students looked at one another. The master clapped his hands.

“Have at it,” the old man said.

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