Tag Archives: kung fu

Zom Fu – Chapter 61

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Crunch, crunch, crunch. Junjie’s teeth chewed through veins and gray matter, then swallowed. The taste was abhorrent, yet the anticipation of the knowledge to come took his mind off it. Something had drawn him to this brain and he had to know what.

Junjie closed his eyes. When he opened them, he felt big, bold, strong…and angry…oh, so very angry. He was in the sanctuary of the Clan of the Sacred Yet Inscrutable Tiger Claw, walking hurriedly toward the courtyard. Honghui stood up ahead, next to the Infallible Master, who was holding a baby.

“Junjie?” the master said as he looked down at the infant. “That means ‘handsome hero,’ you know. An awful lot of pressure to put on one so small.”

“Yes,” Honghui said. “But I have no doubt he will live up to the name, master. Ling felt the same way.”

“And where is Ling?” the master asked.

Honghui looked down, sullenly. “Gone.”

The master frowned. “How?”

“Longwei,” Honghui said. “When he learned that Ling and I were leaving the clan so that we could be married, he went mad. He somehow saw it as offense to him, that he was your greatest student and that we could not leave until he’d bested us in a fight.”

The master sighed. “That sounds like Longwei.”

“I declined,” Honghui said. “As did Ling. But Longwei’s words were so cruel that I lost control and called him a fool. That enraged him so much that he laid in wait and as soon as I left, he…he…”

Honghui’s eyes teared up. “…took the brain of the woman I loved.”

The master gasped. “Took her brain?”

Longwei finally reached the courtyard. “Yes! And it was delicious!”

The master pointed the Staff of Ages at Longwei. “Longwei! What has come over you?”

Longwei chuckled. “Destiny,” Longwei said. “That is what has come over me.”

“Away with you,” the master said. “You’ve gone insane.”

“No, master,” Longwei said. “I assure you, I’ve never had a better understanding of the world.”

“I will hear no more of your drivel,” the master said. “You’ve already taken one member of our clan today. You will not take another. Look at what you have become!”

“You have always resented the fact that I was better than you, old man,” Longwei said. “My feet were faster than cheetahs. My muscles were stronger than those of an ox and my hands?”

“Enough,” the master said.

“My hands are swift and dance through my opponents like a graceful dragon twirling through the air,” Longwei said.

The master pulled the baby close to his chest and held the staff high in the air. Clouds formed in the sky. “Enough.”

“You always favored Hongui and Ling over me,” Longwei said.

“A lie you told yourself over and over until you believed it to be true,” the master replied. “I love all my students equally, even you Longwei…even after the evil you have done.”

Longwei drew closer. He gazed upon the baby.

“Give me that child, so that I might snuff it out and spare it a life of knowing what a pathetic weakling its father was.”

Honghui lost control. He charged at Longwei…only to have his brain ripped out by Longwei’s tiger claw.

The master’s heart sunk, but he wasn’t just a master of kung fu. He was a master of his own emotions and buried them down, refusing to cry as Honghui’s lifeless corpse hit the ground.

Longwei bit into Honghui’s brain as if it were an apple. He swallowed, then tossed the rest over his shoulder. He returned his attention to the master.

“Give that child here.”

A lightning bolt shot out of the sky and into the staff. Thunder rolled as the staff glowed bright.

“Do not make me do this, my son,” the master said.

“No one is making you do anything, old man,” Longwei said. “You do what you wish. I know from hereon out, I will do as I wish. I will never be held back by you ever again.”

“I was never holding you back,” the master said. “I was trying to contain your boundless ego, to get it under control before you did…something like what you have just done.”

Longwei reached for the baby. “And I’m just getting started.”

Thok! The master kicked Longwei with such force that he was launched into the air. The old man then took aim with the staff and sent the lightning bolt into Longwei’s body, killing him instantly, even before he hit the ground.

Darkness. Longwei saw nothing but darkness. Seconds later, he opened his eyes. He looked up at the master, who was standing over him, still holding the baby.

“Longwei?” the master asked.

Longwei looked into the master’s eyes, and caught the reflection of his face in them. In that reflection, Longwei was able to see that his own eyes had gone blank – pure white, devoid of anything else.

“There…there is no Longwei….there is only…Dragonhand.”

The master pointed the staff at Dragonhand’s face. “Leave here at once, creature. Do not darken this sanctuary’s doorstep again, or that will be the end of you.”

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Zom Fu – Chapter 55

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The lightning flowed into the Staff of Ages and surged with in it. Dragonhand laughed maniacally. “Muah ha ha! When everyone is dead, China shall be mine!”

The clicking of a tongue broke the fiend’s concentration. “Tsk, tsk, tsk. My worst student. Do you not realize that if everyone is dead, there will be nothing left in China that is worth ruling? How very sad the irony is lost on you.”

Dragonhand looked the ghost before him. “Yaozu, you pathetic has-been. You look so much better this way.”

“I admit the look has grown on me,” the Infallible Master replied.

Junjie stepped up next to his master. The fiend laughed and laughed and laughed.

“What?” Dragonhand asked. “You’ve brought your weakling for me to finish him off?”

Junjie laughed. The Infallible Master laughed. Dragonhand laughed. The lightning continued to pour in from the ceiling and down into the Staff of Ages as the trio shared a guffaw.

Fwoosh! Junjie’s fist caught on fire. He formed a fire ball in his hands. He caressed it, packed it as if it were a snowball. It grew larger and larger until finally, he hurled it at his adversary. Dragonhand knocked the ball out of air with a fire ball of his own.

“What the?” was the best response Dragonhand was able to muster.

A powerful stream of fire poured of of Junjie’s right hand. Dragonhand deflected the attack with another fire stream. The opponents pushed their flames toward one another, desperately trying to gain ground until….KABOOM! The flames exploded in the center of the throne room.

“My, my, my,” Dragonhand said. “Whose brain have you been nibbling on, boy?”

“The Staff of Ages did not select you, for obvious reasons,” the Infallible Master said. “I’ll have you return it to its rightful owner, if you please.”

“Oh, who cares what you want, old man,” Dragonhand said. “Why are you still here, anyway? Too much of a coward to face Diyu?”

“Perhaps,” the Infallible Master replied. “Then again, perhaps I’m too honorable to leave this world without rectifying the mistake I left behind.”

Junjie raised his flaming fists.

“Ahh,” Dragonhand said. “You violated your sacred duty as the jailer of Shaoshang, didn’t you, Yaozu? And now, in seeking to destroy me, you have unleashed an even more dangerous monster.”

“There isn’t a monster on this earth more dangerous than you,” the Infallible Master replied.

“With all of the horrors that lurk within Shaoshang’s brain, it would be impossible for any man to consume it without becoming a sadistic creature,” Dragonhand said.

“Junjie is the greatest student I have ever had…”

Dragonhand snarled as he shot a fireball that passed right through the old man’s ghost form. “I was the best student you ever had!”

“Clearly you weren’t or you would not be dishonoring me as you do now,” the Infallible Master said.

“Clearly I was and you were just too much of a senile old fool to recognize it!” Dragonhand said.

“Junjie is the best student I ever had,” the Infallible Master repeated. “And he is the best man I have ever known. Shaoshang’s madness does not importune his senses one iota.”

Dragonhand returned his gaze to the Staff of Ages. The purple ruby grew brighter and brighter. “Fools. I’ll waste no more time on a dead man…or a boy soon to be dead.”

Lightning struck the Staff of Ages over and over again.

“Yes,” the Infallible Master said. “Take the easy way out, as you always do, as you always have done.”

Dragonhand’s interested was piqued. “The easy way?”

“My worst student could never possibly defeat my best student in a fair fight,” the Infallible Master said.

The fiend looked at Junjie, then at the Staff. “Damn you, Yaozu!”

The lightning stopped pouring in from the roof. The fiend pointed the staff at his old master. “I will show you once and for all who your best student was!”

“I’m counting on it,” the Infallible Master said.

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Zom Fu = #677 in Wattpad Horror

Hey 3.5 readers.

Your old pal BQB here.

Check it out.  Zom Fu is #677 in Wattpad Horror:

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If you’re a Wattpadder, maybe consider giving it a vote, or a comment, or some feedback on how I can make it better.  I mean, it’s a tale that involves kung fu AND zombies, so it is already pretty awesome, but if you have suggestions I am all ears.

Thank you 3.5.

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Zom Fu – Chapter 51

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Bingwen, the Palace Guards, Lickspittle, and a contingent of brain bite clan members stood in the Emperor’s bedroom, staring at Rage Dog, who was still pinned to the wall.

“Free me, dullards,” Rage Dog said.

Lickspittle walked up to the captive. “The master will surely punish you when he sees how you have failed him. Dragonhand is not one to…”

Dragonhand’s voice bellowed through the room. “What is the meaning of this?”

“Rage Dog has failed you, master!” the toady said. “He is incompetent and unworthy and…”

“Bahhh!” Dragonhand punched his fist into the wall, leaving a deep hole. He then drew General Tsang’s sword out of Rage Dog’s gut and lopped off Lickspittle’s head with it.

“No, master!” Lickspittle’s head cried as it bounced across the floor. “Don’t forsake me! Rage Dog was the one who…”

Crunch! Lickspittle’s cranium collapsed under the wait of Dragonhand’s foot.

“I can’t stand whiners,” Dragonhand said.

Rage Dog looked up, only to find himself staring at General Tsang’s sword.

“Will you fail me again?” Dragonhand asked.

Rage Dog trembled. “No…no, master.”

Dragonhand handed General Tsang’s sword to Rage Dog. “See that you don’t. If you do, kill yourself and save me the trouble.”

The fiend looked to Bingwen. “Go with him.”

“Yes, sir,” Bingwen said.

Rage Dog and his new minions dispersed. Dragonhand made his way back to the throne room. There, he found the Staff of Ages, which he had left propped up against the Dragon Throne.

The fiend took the seat he’d so longed for, then raised the staff high in the air. The ruby glowed bright purple.

“If no one will bring the Emperor to me, then I will kill every last man, woman and child in China and sort through the bodies myself until his brain is mine.”

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Zom Fu – Chapter 49

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The remaining members of the Clan of the Sacred Yet Inscrutable Tiger Claw, accompanied by their new friends in the Clan of the Mediocre Yet Effective Club Bonk, approached outer wall of the forbidden city. Motionless bodies, both human and zombie, littered the ground.

“We are too late,” a dejected Junjie said.

“I just hope all the good stuff hasn’t been pinched yet,” the Whirlwind said. When Niu threw his student icy glare, the Whirlwind added, “Oh and the Emperor. I am powerfully worried about his safety and well-being, that’s for sure.”

“We should have come sooner,” Junjie said.

“Then you would have died sooner,” the Master replied.

The gate had been smashed into rubble. Niu stepped over the pieces and into the city, where he saw countless throngs of undead warriors feasting on human remains.

“Brothers,” Niu said. “It seems that fate has not spared us a fight.”

A member of the Clan of the Terrifyingly Unnatural Brain Bite looked up from a femur bone he was chewing on and snarled at Niu. “Ergh!”

The Whirlwind pulled out his club and joined Niu. “Perhaps you’ll change your mind about club fu when you see it in action.”

“That will never happen,” Niu replied. “Let it go.”

Junjie set his hands ablaze. One by one, the beasts stood up. They marched slowly towards the intruders.

“At least a hundred,” Junjie said.

“There’s more than that,” Niu said.

“No,” Junjie said with a grin. “I’m going to take out at least a hundred all by myself. How many will you get, brother?”

The master shook his head. “It is good to see your confidence is growing, my son, but don’t get cocky.”

Junjie tossed a barrage of fireballs at his incoming foes.

“Showoff,” the master said.

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Zom Fu – Chapter 45

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Rage Dog joined five other zombified warriors in slamming a battering ram against the gate.

“Heave!” Rage Dog shouted. The command was quickly followed by a slam. Heave, slam. Heave, slam. Occasionally, the warriors would drop the ram and scatter just in time to miss being burned by boiling oil being dropped by the soldiers above. Some of the undead were not lucky enough to avoid having their faces burned, but they continued their duties just the same.

Meanwhile, Lickspittle oversaw a complex operation in which brain biters were doused with kerosene, set ablaze, then launched over the wall via the zombapault. Over a dozen warriors had breached the wall in this fashion and were wreaking havoc within the city.

Dragonhand grabbed Rage Dog by the robe and pulled the fighter close. “Was I wrong when I saw myself in you?”

“No master!” Rage Dog shouted.

The fiend pointed to a rope, one of many that had attached to the wall by a grappling hook. “Bring me the Emperor’s brain!”

Rage Dog did not flinch at the request. “You will have it, master.”

Up the rope the dog flew, dodging arrows, rocks, even boiling oil spills. Just as the soldiers would cut rope, he’d spring to the next until he was on top of the wall.

“Waaaaaahhh!” the fighter cried as he tiger clawed out a soldier’s brains. A second soldier charged at Rage Dog, then a third and a fourth. All ended up with their brains removed from their skulls.

Rage Dog made his way down the inner wall steps and ran toward the palace. All around him, burning zombies were engrossed in fighting General Tsang’s soldiers.

“Come brothers!” Rage Dog shouted to his fellow brain bite clan members. “The Emperor’s brain awaits!”

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Zom Fu – Chapter 40

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The Clan of the Terrifyingly Unnatural Brain Bite cut a horrific swatch through the countryside, looting, plundering, and replenishing their numbers by converting villagers into vile, undead brain addicted beasts. Towards the end of their reign of terror, the young men of one village in particular were forced to stand for inspection.

“Look at yourselves,” Dragonhand said as he walked past a line of captives. “Weeping and cowering like children, completely unaware that I am about to turn you into the best possible version of your miserable selves. Lickspittle, has the sacrifice been made?”

The toady held up a juicy, goo dripping brain. “Yes, oh infinitely wise one. Our warrior, Quon, gave up his thinking meat so that others may revel in the glory of zom fu.”

“Excellent,” Dragonhand said as he snatched up the disgusting gray matter. “Who wants the first bite?”

The hostages appeared perplexed, surprised that their captor would even make such a ghastly suggestion. The fiend held the brain underneath the nose of the first villager, gave him a good whiff, then continued on down the line, making sure each man got a good nose full.

“I admit brains aren’t much to look at,” Dragonhand said. “And they aren’t suitable for those with a discerning palette but I assure you, once you take a bite, you’ll never want anything else.”

One of the villagers broke out into a cold sweat. “I must have it.”

“No,” another man shouted. “It’s mine!”

“That’s my brain!” a third man cried.

Dragonhand tossed the brain up into the air and caught it, as if it were a ball. He did this twice more, before letting it fall to the ground.

The captives looked at the brain, then up at Dragonhand.

“Have at it,” Dragonhand said. “But make sure you all eat a piece so that you may each learn the glories of zom fu.”

“Yes master!” the villagers shouted in unison. One by one, they dove for the brain, pummeling, biting, scratching and stomping each other just to get the slightest bit closer to their snack.

“Lickspittle,” Dragonhand said.

“Yes, oh extraordinarily brilliant one?” the toady asked.

“Don’t forget to kill them all once they’ve eaten,” Dragonhand said. “Make the cuts quick and clean. I don’t want them getting so mangled that they’re useless in a fight.”
“Of course, oh excessively amazing one,” Lickspittle said.

Dragonhand stared off toward the edge of the village, where undead warriors were busily constructed an enormous device. It consisted of a large bucket pulled back and secured to a rope, sitting on a platform with wheels.

“Lickspittle you insignificant pile of monkey vomit,” Dragonhand said.

“You called, my liege?” Lickspittle asked.

Dragonhand walked over to the device. “What is this monstrosity?”

“Do you like it, my ever so manly god on earth?” Lickspittle inquired.

“What is it?” Dragonhand asked.

“It’s a weapon of my own design, oh fantastic one,” Lickspittle said. “I call it, ‘the zombapault.’”

Dragonhand watched as one zombie sat in the bucket, smoothing out the rough parts of the wood with a hand held plane.

“What does it do?” Dragonhand asked.

“I’m glad you asked, oh indubitably handsome one,” Lickspittle said. “You see, by pulling the bucket back as far as it will go, then securing it with a rope, the device becomes capable of…”

Dragonhand lost interest in listening to his toady speak. He drew a knife, cut the rope, and watched as the catapult set the unsuspecting undead warrior hurtling several miles into the air.

“The short version is that I think it will be good for getting our warriors over the Forbidden City’s walls,” Lickspittle said.

“Astounding, Lickspittle,” Dragonhand said. “For once in your pathetic, useless, poor excuse of a life, you have managed to impress me.”

Lickpittle gushed with pride. “Oh, master. You have no idea how much that means to me.”

“Don’t let it go to your head, worm,” Dragonhand said.

“Of course not, master,” Lickspittle replied.

Master and lackey watched the previously launched warrior continue on an upward arc until he started falling down over the horizon.

“Do you think he’ll be ok?” Lickspittle asked.

“Why would I care?” Dragonhand inquired.

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Zom Fu Book Cover

Behold, 3.5 readers, the book cover for Zom Fu in all of its brain yanking glory.

Now I just need to finish writing the book.

What say you, 3.5 readers?

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Zom Fu – Chapter 28

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General Tsang entered the Emperor’s throne room, a wondrous place where the walls were lined with gold and red columns stretched to the ceiling. He climbed a set of steps and took in the sight of the illustrious Dragon Throne, a magnificent seat adorned with carvings of the legendary fire breathing lizards.

The general waited patiently and did his best to choke down his bile as he observed Advisor Zhen’s rotund posterior parked in a place normally reserved for the country’s leader. To the left and right of the throne stood two stoic members of the Imperial Guard, each clad in traditional blue and white uniforms with red plumes coming out of the tops of their helmets.

Off to the far left stood Captain Yuen, Commander of the Imperial Guard. Tsang and Yuen traded respectful nods.

A boney old farmer in dirty rags groveled before the advisor. He looked as though he hadn’t eaten in weeks. Meanwhile, the advisor wore green robes sewn from the finest fabric. His neck and fingers were decorated in enough jewelry to feed the old man, his family, his village, and a hundred other villages into perpetuity.

“Please, noble advisor,” the old man said. “The taxes you have imposed…they are too great.”

Two beauties stood near the advisor. One waved a fan towards the fat man’s face while the other periodically plucked grapes and popped them into the chubby bureaucrat’s gob.

“You don’t wish to help your country?” the advisor asked.

“Oh no, sir,” the old man said. “It’s just that…the children. They are wasting away.”

A beauty popped a grape into the advisor’s mouth. It was quickly gobbled. “I see. Then you do not wish to help your Emperor?”

“No,” the farmer said. “It’s not that at all. Please, Advisor Zhen, you must understand the people of my village, they toil in the fields day and night, working themselves to the bone and yet they have nothing to show for it. Your tax collectors take it all and yet they continue to harass us, telling us we owe more.”

“Well then,” Advisor Zhen said between grape chomps. “I suggest that you do as they say and pay them more.”

The frustration on the old farmer’s face was palpable. “But we have no more!”

Advisor Zhen hoisted his heft upward and looked down on the peasant. “Why do you bore me with such lies?”

The farmer was bewildered by the accusation. “Sir?”

“If your life is as difficult as you say it is, then surely you would not have time to assail my ears with your tedious whining,” Advisor Zhen said. “You’d be out foraging for berries or eating dirt before you’d come to me with this nonsense.”

“But we have done that,” the old man said.

Advisor Zhen shooed the farmer away with a flick of his wrist. “Whatever your village’s taxes were before, considered them…doubled.”

The old man clutched his chest. “Sir?”

“Do you want them to be tripled?” Advisor Zhen asked.

The old man shook his head. “No! Please, sir, no.”

The advisor leaned back on the throne and focused on his next grape. “Away with you, wretch. Do not return with such contrived tales of woe again.”

“Yes sir,” the old man said. He bowed, then turned and hurried out of the throne room.

“Now then,” the advisor said as he slapped his hands together and rubbed them, then looked to his beauties. “Who wants to play a game of slap and tickle?”

The beauties giggled. General Tsang cleared his throat to grab the pig’s attention.

“Oh,” Advisor Zhen said. “Someone left a pile of shit in a suit of armor on my doorstep. What is it, Tsang?”

Tsang stepped forward. “If you can take a break from testing the bolts in the Emperor’s throne with your corpulent ass, I need a word.”

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Movie Review – Way of the Dragon (1972)

I love it when I can watch movies related to a project I’m working on and call it research.

Bruce Lee’s signature film, a super hairy Chuck Norris and a whole helluva lot of kung fu.

BQB here with a review of Way of the Dragon.

I have to be honest.  This film is considered to be the quintessential martial arts film but when I look through it via a modern frame of mind then…well, yeah, it kind of stinks.

It’s basically one step above being a high school AV club project.  The plot is goofy.  In Rome, a  mafia don wants a restaurant owned by Uncle Wang and, I guess his relative of some sort, maybe his daughter or some shit I don’t know because it’s hard to understand, so what the hell, we’ll just call her his daughter, Chen Ching Hua (Nora Miao).

Chen’s other uncle from Hong Kong sends a friend, Tang Lung (Bruce Lee), to Rome to help protect the restaurant and beat up some motherfuckers with his kung fu skills.

Throughout the film, there are cheesy jokes aplenty.  For example, Tang Lung arrives at the airport and an old lady stares at him, unsure what to make of him.  He then orders soup at an airport restaurant but his elderly waitress is confused as to what he wants.  He points to soup on the menu a bunch of times, so she brings him like twenty bowls of soup.

Being a gentlemen, Tang Lung eats it all and then throughout the first part of the film it becomes a running joke that he needs to keep asking for a bathroom because he has the soupy shits.

Meanwhile, the don’s top henchman is a flamboyantly gay, scarf clad stereotype, so outlandish in fact that I’d love to get Ken Jeong on the phone just to ask if he based Mr. Chow in The Hangover films on this character.

Blah, blah, blah, there are a lot of jokes, a lot of fights, a lot of squabbling over what is going to happen to the restaurant and then, wham!  There’s the big finish in which the don hires American martial artist Colt (aka Chuck Fucking Norris) to take down Tang Lung, because apparently, he really wants that fucking restaurant.

Add to the list of the movie’s plot holes a lack of an explanation as to why this restaurant is so important.  The don goes through like nine-hundred henchmen just to get his hands on this joint.  Is gold buried under the floor boards?  Is it prime real estate that can be sold at a high markup?  What the hell is going on here?  Oh well.  Nobody knows.

And I also digress.  This film was Chuck Norris’ big screen debut and holy shit, was he a sight to behold in his youthful, pre-mustache glory.  The man had a bear-like mange of chest hair, so luxurious that Bruce tears a hunk out of it during the final fight scene.

The man’s back was even hairy.  That shit just wouldn’t fly today.  If you want to be on screen then you have to be waxed, but they didn’t care about that shit in the 1970s.  Hell, hairiness was a sign of virility.  The hairier you were, the more poon you got and let me tell you, by the look of his back, young Chuck Norris was swimming in strange.

Can you believe I once had a girlfriend who complained about my hairy back?  Shit.  I bet young Chuck Norris didn’t have to put up with uppity broads trying to rub Nair all over his shoulder blades.

I have digressed again.  Look, the film is on Netflix so you should check it out.  Don’t shit on the film as I have but rather, keep in mind that it was a 1970s flick, made at a time when martial arts films were just getting started.  Ignore the cheesiness, the silly jokes, and the terrible English voiceover dubbing.

The final fight scene is intense.  Bruce and Chuck never speak to each other but it is clear they are both professionals.  They silently taunt one another but they also fight with honor and respect.

Come for the movie.  Stay until the end for the epic final showdown between Bruce and Chuck, two titans in all of their glory.  Sadly, the world lost Bruce way, way too young, but at least Chuck stuck around long enough to grow a sweet mustache, appear in a shit ton of B movies and become an Internet meme.

STATUS: Shelf-worthy.  Invent a time machine and bring me back to the 1970s, a time when men were men and the only limit to the amount of chicks they could bag was measured by the amount of bear-like fur on their manly chests and backs.

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