Yo yo yo what up 3.5 peeps? Word to ya momz cuz I came to drop verbal bombs!
Bernie “MC Plotz” Plotznick here.
Yeah, I’m sure you all remember me from my days when Bookshelf Q. Battler and I formed the dopest, chillest, funky freshiest rap duo, The Funky Hunks!
I just wanna note that rumors that I now sell oranges off a highway offramp are totally false. (I switched it up to nectarines.)
Anyway, my old rap buddy Bookshelf Q. Battler aka “Read N. Plenty” (his rap moniker back in the day) is the kind of guy that never forgets the little people and he’s given me a guest spot to announce what’s coming up this week on the Bookshelf Battle Blog:
- Pop Culture Mysteries – Jake Hatcher tracks down answers to long standing entertainment questions. His first mystery? What happened to the original Brady Bunch spouses? Hell, Mike had a wife before Carol and Carol had a husband before Mike, right? How else did they get all those kids? BQB’s 3.5 readers want to know what happened to the first wife and first husband and Hatcher’s on the case. Those posts will drop Monday-Wednesday.
- Bookshelf Q. Battler and the Meaning of Life – Oh higgity hellz yeah, y’all. BQB’s epic search for the answer to mankind’s most vexing question will return later this week. Upcoming developments? You’ll learn Bookshelf Q. Battler’s real name AND BQB finds romance. Yeah, ya’ heard. Homeboy is a mad dope funky fresh playa who’s gonna be chillin and mackin on a fine ass hunny.
Who remembers when BQB and I busted out mad rhymes? No one. C’mon y’all. Throw yo’ hands in the air if you got love for the dorkiest nerds in the rap game. Wait, I think a see a hand! What? You were just stretching?
See, BQB and I preferred to rap about wholesome activities, like drinking milk and doing your homework. Unsurprisingly, this meant we were universally rejected by rap fans though we did find an audience in the soccer mom crowd. Oh well. Maybe we shoulda’ tossed a swear or two but it’s all good. Hindsight’s 20/20 ya’ dig?
I’ll leave you with the lyrics from our 2000 hit – “Chores Be Fun” off our debut album Nonthreatening White Boyz:
Chores Be Fun
By: The Funky Hunks
Yo! It’s 2000! Nothin’ rhymes with two thousand!
Funky Hunks, you know we’re back!
On the scene, ready to attack!
Gonna organize your closet
Get in your shower,
Scrub away the lyme deposits.
Funky hunks, you know its true!
Nothin’ for a friend, we wouldn’t do!
Dance to the funky hunk groove,
Call us up!
And we’ll help you move!
Carry all your heavy stuff!
‘Cuz the Funky Funks are so damn buff!
Brew you a nice hot tea…
Get your stuck cat outta that tree…
Cuz that’s what Funky Hunks do!
Now we’ll go and shine your shoe!
Ughh…Yeah…break it down
Image courtesy of a shutterstock.com license.