Hi 3.5 readers. I’ve decided I’m going to write inappropriate musicals for awhile. If anyone from Broadway is interested, let me know. If you have an inappropriate topic for a musical, please share.
First up – Bobbitt!
Hi 3.5 readers. I’ve decided I’m going to write inappropriate musicals for awhile. If anyone from Broadway is interested, let me know. If you have an inappropriate topic for a musical, please share.
First up – Bobbitt!
By: Tin Hat Ted, Official Bookshelf Battle Blog Conspiracy Theorist
Hello 3.5 readers (if that is your real name.)
Tin Hat Ted here (if that is my real name.)
Biggie. Tupac. They were the greatest rappers of the 1990s, and yet, both were gunned down in their prime, although lets be honest, pizza probably would have achieved the mission of the assassin’s bullet on Biggie by now anyway, though Tupac could very well still be belting out new tunes.
And you never know. Lil Kim might have put Biggie’s ass on Jenny Craig, so perhaps he could have been here with us too.
The cases have never been solved, but here are my Top Ten Conspiracy Theories Regarding the Deaths of Biggie and Tupac:
#1 – Biggie and Tupac Invented Time Travel
The general public was unaware of this, but when Lil Kim wasn’t busy rapping about how tasty her pussy was, she was a brilliant mathematician and scientist. My research indicates that Lil Kim, in her off hours, achieved the unthinkable – she cracked the equation that was necessary for time travel and built a working time machine.
After constructing the device in 1997, Lil Kim intended to use it to stop World War II, but alas, Biggie stole it and used it to travel back one year to 1996, where he then shot Tupac in Vegas.
Tupac, genius that he was, had already built a time machine of his very own. He carried it in his pocket, for it was very small. In the seconds before he was hit before Biggie’s bullet, Tupac obtained instant revenge by traveling forward one year, killing Biggie, then returning to his own time to sacrifice himself rather than interfere with the space time continuum.
Note that Tupac could have traveled to any time, like if he wanted to, he could have traveled to the 1970s and smothered Biggie in his crib when he was a fat baby, but instead, he selflessly traveled to the future and shot Biggie at a time when Biggie was celebrating, thinking he had successfully capped Tupac without repercussion.
It was all very East Coast vs. West Coast. Nothing was going to stop that feud, not even the bounds of time.
#2 – Alt Rockers
Alt rockers knew that their brand of clinically depressed music would never last past 2000, whereas rap was here to stay. I mean, seriously dude, compare songs about heartache and loss versus upbeat jams about partying, drinking, smoking weed and blasting pussy and shit, there’s no comparison.
Witnesses I spoke to indicate that grungy flannel shirt wearing guitar players may have wanted the rap game’s two biggest players on ice in hopes that rap would fizzle and alt rock would continue.
I can’t confirm this happened, however, rap remained strong even after the loss of Tupac and Biggie. This is largely due to Biggie’s protege, P-Diddy, who carried on for the East Coast, whereas Snoop Dogg kept the West Coast rocking.
Alt Rockers had no proteges or a next generation, so after 2000, the flannel look went kaput.
#3 – They Shot Themselves By Accident
I’m not sure about this but as far as I know, neither men were gun safety experts or trained marksman, so it’s not impossible that they just tucked their gats into their pants and then the guns accidentally went off.
#4 – Angry White Mothers
Angry white mothers were mad as shit in the 1990s, pissed that music, particularly rap, was so full of naughty words. I’m working a story that suggests a mini-van full of pistol packin’ suburban soccer moms may have performed drive-bys on both of our favorite rappers.
#5 – The CIA
I’ve yet to determine why the CIA might have wanted Tupac out of the picture.
However, take these lyrics from Biggie’s “Juicy” in 1994:
Now I’m in the limelight, because I rhyme tight.
Time to get paid, blow up the World Trade.
Could it be that Biggie was a modern day Nostradamus, embedding warnings to the world of tragedies to avoid in his raps?
Historians might point out that there was an earlier attempt to blow up the World Trade Center in the early 1990s that Biggie was likely referring to.
However, at this time, we cannot rule out the possibility that Biggie was a clairvoyant.
#6 – They Faked Their Own Deaths
I’m currently investigating a claim that only Biggie and Tupac shaped mannequins were shot on the fateful days in question. I have a source who tells me there may or may not be a bed and breakfast in upstate Vermont run by two men who fit Tupac and Biggie’s descriptions.
Does this mean that Tupac and Biggie fell in love and decided to run away together, in a time when there love would most certainly not have been accepted by the misogynist rap game of the early 1990s?
Possibly. Then again, maybe they were just platonic friends who liked chilly New England winters and making waffles for tourists.
#7 – Biggie and Tupac Were Aliens
It’s clear that Biggie and Tupac were above average rappers, perhaps too good…perhaps their genius came from out of this world space brains from another galaxy. When it was time for these extraterrestrial beings to return to their home planets, they shed their human forms, covered it up with an elaborate rouse, then boarded their space ships to rap again in their alien forms. Perhaps they will return one day to entertain us again…and rap about bitches. So many bitches.
#8 – Angry Bitches
Bitches got mad they were being called bitches and sought payback. Don’t mess with angry bitches.
#9 – The Illuminati
Biggie and Tupac were slated by the Illuminati to become famous politicians. Unfortunately for them, Biggie and Tupac defied the Illuminati and pursued their rap ambitions. The Illuminati was not pleased.
#10 – The Yakuza
I’m unaware as to how Biggie and Tupac might have offended the Yakuza. However, the Yakuza has a hand in everything.
NOTES: Keep in mind these are all mere theories. I have no hard evidence. Without confirmation, you must consider all of these theories untrue and unfounded.
Do you have a conspiracy theory regarding the deaths of Biggie and Tupac? Let me know in the comments below.
I spent actual money on this, so I have to trot it out once in awhile. Enjoy.
Yo. 2017. Time to get the green. BQB on the track like a flea on a dog’s back. Crank up the bass and let’s lay this shit down, ya heard?
Ahh, dating. It’s one of the great joys of life, unless your boyfriend is a wannabe rapper. He’s got the backwards hat. He’s got a few lyrics he’s scribbled down on some notebook paper. He yearns so badly to join ranks of Snoop, NWA, 50 Cent, and Eminem.
But let’s face it. He couldn’t rap his way out of a paper bag and you’ll be supporting him forever.
From BQB HQ in Fabulous East Randomtown, it’s the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Boyfriend Might Be a Rapper:
#10 – Begins Every Conversation With a Lead-In That Features the Year, Followed by What He Wants the Sound Technician to Do
YOU: Hun, what do you want for dinner?
HIM: Yo, yo, yo, 2017…don’t want no string beans. Put a little slick on this mic and we gonna lay this track down. Bring some motherfuckin’ pizza to town, know what I’m sayin’ cuz?
#9 – He Never Introduces You to His Friends…He Announces the Collaboration
YOU: Oh, hi hun. You didn’t tell me you were having friends over. Can you introduce me?
HIM: Yo, yo, yo, B-Money Steaze up in the house, gettin’ ready to blow the doors off this motha-fucka….yeah and Sticky Mark up on the track, gettin’ it all whack for your ears, now what I’m sayin’? Funk-ta-fied Freddy backin us up all day, everyday and Worldwide Miscreant stoppin’ by to get in on this shiznit, ya dope ass sucka!
#8 – So Many Backwards Hats
They’re easily convertible to frontwards hats but he just won’t listen, even after 30.
#7 – Always Offering You a Demo Tape…
…no matter how many times you tell him you’re not in the industry and can’t help him…or that no one uses cassettes anymore.
#6 – Always Talking About How Hard His Life Is/Was
HIM: Yo, yo, yo, growin’ up on the streets was no fun, bitches in my face wavin’ they gun, how I got out the hood is a wonder, all my dead homies be six feet under.
YOU: You were from Connecticut, dipshit.
#5 – Refers to Money as Stacks
BANK TELLER: And how would you like to cash this check sir?
HIM: Yo, yo, yo give me fat stacks, bitch!
#4 – Calls Everyone “Bitch”
You, your friends, your family, your dog, everyone.
GRANNY AT THANKSGIVING: Sonny, can you pass the gravy?
HIM: Aw, shit! Gravy comin’ all up in this motha-fucka, bitch!
#3 – Won’t Get a Day Job
Because he likes to keep it real. Rappable stories come from the streets, not from working 9-5 at Kinko’s, bitch.
#2 – Always Working On New Rhymes
All day, every day, his notebook is out and his pen is scribbling new lyrics. If only he could sell some.
#1 – Fights Are Like Rap Battles
YOU: You didn’t do the dishes!
HIM: Yo, yo, yo, bitch want me to do the dishes and now she mad, wants me to sleep with the fishes!
Hey 3.5 readers. BQB here.
Interesting story on FOX news today – there’s an all Asian-American rock band calling themselves “The Slants.” They attempted to trademark their name but were denied by the government on a claim that the term was offensive, racially insensitive etc.
They took their case to the Supreme Court and won. SCOTUS struck down “the disparagement clause” which keeps offensive terms from being trademarked.
(Sidenote: I’m not here to debate whether or not the term “slant” when used in reference to an Asian is offensive. A) it is but B) the issue isn’t whether or not the term is or isn’t but whether or not the government can tell a band they aren’t allowed to name themselves that.)
I’m a free speech purist, so I side with “The Slants” on this. In theory, it may sound great to give the government the power to censor “offensive speech” but offense is in the eye of the offended and once you give the government an inch of power they’ll take a mile of it. Today they’re censoring inappropriate rock band names, tomorrow they will censor political speech as offensive – i.e. “I think Candidate X is wrong on such and such issue” might be deemed offensive and you’d be tossed in the hoosegow for voicing your political beliefs.
Thus, when it comes to free speech purism, you have to rely on the “marketplace of ideas” to sort things out. “The Slants” may have come up with a clever marketing gimmick to get themselves some play in the short term. Hell, even I’m not really a fan of using the term “slant” – maybe I’ll have to start calling them “That Asian-American Rock Band” or something. At any rate, if they want any long lasting staying power, they will have to churn out some super catchy tunes or else the people will vote with their ears.
That’s how this all works, people. That dude on the street corner wearing a sandwich board that reads “Hitler is My BFF” and ringing a bell gets to do that under the law and that’s the price we all pay to be able to speak our own minds.
Don’t worry about that hypothetical guy with the sandwich board. The free marketplace of ideas will be regulate him. He won’t be invited to any fancy dinner parties or getting any positions of power anytime soon. Let the people decide what speech gets you where, but don’t let the government start picking and choosing who gets to say what. In the short term, it may spare your ears from having to hear things you don’t want to hear but in the long run, it will eventually lead to you not being able to say what you want to say.
Sidenote – I’d be curious if “NWA” ever had any trademark issues or did they solve the issue by just calling themselves “NWA” and leaving it to the public to figure out what that stood for? (FYI millenials, I’m not telling you what it stands for.)
Behold! In no particular order, the list of babes I was tossing the old pickle around to while Bill Clinton was president:
#1 – Sarah Michelle Gellar – Buffy fap.
#2 – Britney Spears – Hit me baby one more fap.
#3 – Christina Applegate – Kelly Bundy fap.
#4 – Alicia Silverstone – Clueless Batgirl fap.
#5 – Jenna Jameson – First porn superstar fap.
#6 – Pamela Andersen – Baywatch fap.
#7 – Anna Nicole Smith – Ridiculously big bazongas. RIP fap. Too soon, too soon.
#8 – Britney Murphy – Another fap gone too soon. Why, God, why?
#9 – Tia Carerre – Wayne’s World. Deserved a longer career fap. Should still be in movies now far.
#10 – Asia Carerre – Tia Carerre knockoff porn star fap. Tia should have sued.
#11 – Jennifer Love Hewitt – Or as we called her in the 90s, “Jennifer Love Huge Tits.” Ha! Now that’s good satire, fap.
#12 – Sandra Bullock – Speed fap. Don’t let the bus slow down fap. Hot chick but still approachable fap.
#13 – Drew Barrymore – Hollywood royalty fap.
#14 – Sharon Stone – First vagina in a major film fap. Scares police detectives with her vagina fap.
#15 – Uma Thurman – Pulp Faption.
#16 – Kate Winslet – Killed Jack by hogging the board, got old, threw the necklace off the boat instead of selling it to help impoverished niece selfish bitch fap.
#17 – Jewel – Crooked teeth yet still hot fap.
#18 – Christina Aguilera – Hits the high notes fap.
#19 – Beyonce – I’m a survivor fap. (Add in Kelly and Michelle for a Destiny’s Fap.)
#20 – Gwen Stefani – I’m just a girl fap.
#21 – Whitney Houston – I’m every woman fap.
#22 – Shania Twain – That doesn’t impress my fap much.
#23 – Reese Witherspoon – Cruel Faptentions.
#24 – Claire Danes – Romeo and Juliet. “But soft, what light through yonder window faps?”
#25 – Michelle Williams – Town slut Jen Lindley fap.
#26 – The Spice Girls – “Oh, I’ll tell you what I fap, what I really, really fap!”
#27 – Winona Ryder – Goth fap.
#28 – Tiffani Amber Thiessen – Saved by the Fap Bell. (We would have also accepted “Kelly Fapowski.”)
#29 – Katie Holmes – Girl next door fap. Sigh, girl that got away fap. Double sigh, girl wasted on Tom Cruise fap.
#30 – Cindy Crawford – Supermodel fap.
#31 – Jennifer Aniston – The Rachel fap.
#32 – Neve Campbell – Scream fap.
#33 – Paul Abdul – “Straight up now tell me, do you really wanna fap to me forever?” SPOILER ALERT: Yes.
#34 – Julia Stiles – 10 Faps I Fap About You
#35 – Madonna – 1990s cone bra phase fap.
#36 – Julia Roberts – Steel Fapnolias
#37 – Fiona Apple – More like Fiona Fapple, am I right?
#38 – Monica Lewinsky – Brought down the leader of the free world with her fapworthiness.
#39 – Elizabeth Hurley – British fap
#40 – Yasmine Bleeth – Baywatch fap.
#41 – Lucy Lawless – Xena, Warrior Fap Princess
#42 – Jenny McCarthy – Singled Out fap.
#43 – Liv Tyler – Steve’s long lost daughter fap. Also, Fappageddon.
#44 – Kerri Russell – Faplicity.
#45 – Shannon Elizabeth – American Pie fap.
#46 – Elizabeth Berkley – Showgirls fap. (Seriously, like every 1990s boy including myself snuck out to the video store to rent that movie, secret it home under cover of darkness and slip it in the old VCR while Mom and Dad went to bed.)
#47 – Janet Jackson – Nasty boys, don’t even fap. Oh you nasty boys.
#48 – Carmen Electra – Invented being famous for no reason long before Kim Kardashian did fap.
#49 – Charlize Theron – Gets more fappable with age.
#50 – Michelle Pfeiffer – Catwoman fap.
#51 – Cameron Diaz – There’s Something Fappable About Mary.
#52 – Denise Richards – Starship Fappers
#53 – Rebecca Gayheart – Noxzema fap.
#54 – Heather Graham – Roller Girl fap.
#55 – Alyssa Milano – Who’s the Boss of My Fap? Charmed fap.
TO BE CONTINUED – Did I miss a fap worthy 1990s babe? Add your favorites to the comments.
Hey 3.5 readers.
I came across this video by a group calling themselves the “Castanet Creative.” It’s pretty funny, so check it out.
At first glance, it seems like a pretty standard parody by a bunch of buddies who got together to make a YouTube video.
But if you really look at it, it’s clear they were fans of the original Straight Outta Compton video by NWA, so much so that they copy all the scenes. Batman and Robin chasing the villains through back alleys, Riddler getting slammed down and cuffed, the Joker standing up in a top down sports car, rapping insults at Batman ala Easy E.
Kudos. These peeps have an eye for detail and that made this video 100% funnier.
Sir Mix-a-Lot. The greatest rapper to rap about his love of big butts. I have no idea if this amazingly talented man released any other songs but let’s face it, other than “Baby Got Back,” you can’t name another one, can you?
Nope. Neither can I.
He was pretty much a one and done. He revealed his big butt love to the world and then he no longer had anything else to say. Sometimes a song can so perfectly capture everything an artists wants to say that the artist need not speak further.
Personally, I would love to know the tale of daring-do that Sir Mix-a-Lot engaged in, in order to be named a knight of the British Realm, but that’s neither here nor there at this time.
Big butts! Sir Mix not only loved them, but he could not lie about his love of them. At the time, it was considered tawdry to declare one’s love of big butts to the world, yet Sir Mix loved them so much that he could not lie about it without denying a very important piece of his soul, the fabric of his very being.
Do you love big butts? Then you shouldn’t lie about it. But consider this. There are many things we all like that we lie about for fear of public reprisal. Perhaps it is time for people to embrace Sir Mix-a-Lot’s honesty and shout to the rooftops the things you like.
Perhaps you like to write, but you fear people around you will write you off as a hopeless dreamer.
Perhaps you like music, but don’t want to be considered a frivolous person who just sits around playing your trombone.
Perhaps you like art, but fear that people will just think you are a weirdo who just paints all day.
Stop. Whatever your theoretical “big butt” is, stop lying on it. Sir Mix-a-Lot climbed a giant butt mountain in a video surrounded by women with big butts just to proudly declare to the world that he would not be intimidated into saying that he likes small butts, and you shouldn’t be intimidated into saying you dislike things you like, especially when there really isn’t a good reason to say that you don’t like them.
Sir Mix-a-Lot didn’t have a problem with butts. Those snotty girls in the locker room griping to Becky about big butts were the ones with the problem. You don’t have a problem with writing, music or art, the people who are trying to get you to stop liking such things have the problem.
Look people, the man’s a knight, so he must have learned a thing or two in his travels, knowledge that entered his brain as he slayed dragons and trolls and orcs and defended Old Britannia from the forces of evil.
Is there a theoretical “big butt” that you love, that you can’t deny? Discuss in the comments.
Hey 3.5 readers.
I do love a good Rick Roll…but what is it about this thirty some odd year old song that has the Internet going ga ga today? Why is it considered clever to trick someone into clicking on this video?
Is it Rick’s good looks? No. The man’s clearly a flat-top sporting ginger.
Is it his funky dance moves? No. He clearly just holds his hands out, makes a couple of fists, then sways from side to side.
Is it his sense of style? No. The man is clearly wearing some kind of 1980s trench coat, like he’s some kind of flasher….except not, because he has clothes on underneath.
It’s none of these things. Yet, Rick is so damn desirable to the ladies for one reason: his song is all about pure love.
Rick isn’t one of those rappers, promising a quote unquote “bitch” money, diamonds, wealth, jewelry, power and so on in exchange for her phat ass. No sir. Rick may not be much to look at, but he boils love down to its core essentials, rattling off a list to a blonde woman in the video of the basics that he, and frankly any good man, would give to a woman:
I’m never gonna give you up,
Never gonna let you down,
Never gonna run around, and desert you.
Never gonna make you cry.
Never gonna say goodbye.
Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you.
Look people, we’ve established Rick is not much to look at. He can’t dance. His fashion stinks. To quote Bobby Ferrin, “He aint got no cash, aint got no style…”
But what he lacks in superficial qualities, he makes up with in heart. He’s got a big one and he wants this lady to know it. Rich, handsome, studly men who can dance and don’t have red hair can get all the women they want and sadly, more often than not, they can trick a woman into being used and then tossed aside like yesterday’s stale doughnut.
Not Rick, ladies. He doesn’t have much going for him and like most of us average to below average looking dudes, the best we can do is promise you the basics of love. We’re not going to leave you. We’re not going to lie to you. We aren’t going to hurt you.
Superficial men may be able to promise you material possessions, but the Rick Astleys of the world know their woman wooing abilities are limited and thus, they embrace all of the aspects of what true love is supposed to be all about, namely – honesty and commitment.
No ladies, if you pick a Rick Astley, he’s probably not going to turn all your friends’ heads and make them jealous of you when you walk into the room together. He’s not going to buy you a bunch of expensive crap. He’s most likely going to wear that dumb trench coat to every affair. He’ll always have red hair. He’ll always dance like a department store mannequin that just came to life and is trying to figure out how his new body works for the first time.
But – he will be there when you need him, ladies. Is he cheating on you when he’s not with you? No, for if you recall, he pledged that he would never run around. Will he leave you? No. He promised he would not desert you. Is he telling the truth? Yes. He made it crystal clear that he will never tell a lie.
Fidelity. Honesty. Commitment. These are the cornerstones of any good relationship and Rick Astley is offering them up on a silver platter.
Rick’s promises are so pure that his career was basically one song and done. I have no idea if he put out any other songs. If he did, I can’t name one. Can you? If he did, he didn’t have to. He said all he needed to say about love then rode off into the sunset like a ginger cowboy.
Perhaps that is why it is so fun to do a Rick Roll. Typically, the joke is to fool narcissistic folks into clicking onto something that they are led to believe will bring them wealth, power, or something else that doesn’t matter much in the grand scheme of things, only to be reminded of what really matters by the Rickster.
As for all of you single ladies out there trying to figure out what you want in a man, let me make it simple for you: Choose a Rick Astley, ladies. Choose a Rick Astley.
FYI: I can’t take credit for that meme. It was floating around in the last election and frankly, maybe we should have elected Rick Astley president.
The year? 2012.
The artist? 2 Chainz, a true revolutionary in that he made the world aware that he only needed two chains. He was too important to have only one chain, yet not so tacky that he needed a hundred chains. He just needed one more chain that the average man.
The song? The Birthday Song.
The important lyrics:
When I die, bury me inside that Gucci store
When I die, bury me inside that Louis store
All I want for my birthday is a big booty ho
All I want for my birthday is a big booty ho.
Crude? Certainly. Crass? Definitely. Groundbreaking? You bet.
Shakespeare? Fakespeare. Chaucer? Schmaucer. With these four lines, 2 Chainz proves to be one of the greatest bards of the English language.
3.5 READERS: But BQB! He’s just talking about material possessions and women with big butts.
Death. Ahh, the Grim Reaper eventually puts his icy hand on all over our shoulders. And so, all that Mr. Chainz asks is that when he dies, he is buried in a high end fashion store (Gucci or Louis).
He considers himself high end, a man worthy of the respect that wealthy shoppers give to luxury clothing labels. That’s how he wants to be remembered – as high end.
But he’s not dead yet. In life, and for as long as air fills his lungs, the man wants what is most important to him, namely, women with loose morals and copious derrieres. Big booty hoes make Mr. Chainz happy and he wishes to celebrate his birthday (the annual celebration of his life) by pursuing his great passion of fornicating with big booty hoes.
What the general public fails to realize is that getting the gift of a big booty ho on your birthday is a metaphor that could represent literally what is the most important pursuit in anyone’s life. When you hear Mr. Chainz say, “All I want for my birthday is a big booty ho” you should hear, “All I want for my birthday is to pursue the most important activity in my life.”
3.5 readers, what is your big booty ho? For 2 Chainz, his big booty ho actually was a big booty ho.
For me, my big booty ho is writing. All I want for my birthday is a seven figure book publishing deal. Although, to be honest, I wouldn’t turn down a big booty ho either.
What’s your big booty ho? Is it music? Art? Sports? Photography? Hiking? Tennis? Basketball? Needlepoint? Cooking? Fancy dining? Travel?
Maybe the big booty ho isn’t an activity but a dream. A goal. 2 Chainz’s goal is to get down with a big booty ho. Maybe you dream of becoming an Olympic athlete, or a broadway star, or the next start up company billionaire. Whatever it is, you must pursue and grab hold of the gigantic butt cheeks of your big booty ho before it is too late and you are left all alone, with nary a big booty ho in sight.
Whatever your personal big booty ho is, I hope you pursue it. And if you ever lose sight of your big booty ho, I hope that you will remember to keep chasing that big booty ho on your birthday. Birthdays are fun days to celebrate our life, but they also keep us humble and remind us that that clock is ticking, and there’s one less year to chase that big booty ho that is eluding us.
Tell me about your big booty ho in the comments, 3.5 readers.