Tag Archives: music

A Rap About the $1.08 I Made Selling Books on Amazon

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Aw yeah.  Aw yeah.  Mic check one two one two.

Base check three four three four.

Treble check five six five six.

Sound check seven eight…seven eight…seven eight.  Don’t hate the playa cuz he got a dollar eight.

Slingin’ grape pop rocks on the corner, what oh what do I see?

A fly ass hunny rollin up on me.

“Hey baby, wanna go out on a date?”

“Sure thing ma’am, will you accept a dollar eight?”

Oh raise your hands in the air like you just don’t care if you know what I’m talkin’ about.

One hundred and eight cents can be yours if you have a big ass book sale blow out.

Yeah, some dude in Fiji, put down his Ouija, bought my book with money made from a squeegee.

He used it to wash a car, cuz with a dirty ass windshield it won’t get very far.

So now I got his dollar eight and I’m livin’ the gangsta ass life.

Everyday supermodels are fightin’ over who will get to be my wife.

But don’t try to clip my wings baby, cuz bein’ tied down is a terrible fate.

Me? I’d rather travel the world and pay all my expenses with a dollar eight.

Lovers gonna love and haters gonna hate.  That’s just the way it goes.

But ballers gonna ball and busters gonna bust.  Has anyone seen my hoes?

Dolla, dolla bill ‘yall.  Dolla, dolla bill indeed.

Some dude just rolled up on my ass.  Asked if I wanna buy a dollar eight bag of weed.

“Sir, that’s not the game I play.  So your ass better get to steppin.”

Yeah, the dollar eight lifestyle ain’t easy but it’s a life I’ll always be reppin.

Peace.

P.S. Buy my book, bitch:

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I Am Retiring to Watch Cardi B’s Twerk Video

Dear 3.5 Readers,

We’ve had a good run, haven’t we?  Lo, these many years, I’ve provided free entertainment on this fine blog, and you, my trusty readers have given me not enough clicks to earn a living off this enterprise, but just enough clicks to trick me into thinking crazy thoughts like, “If I just give it one more year…”

Anyway, I have found my purpose in life now.  It was my hope that with enough book sales, I’d be able to move to California and purchase a mansion with a luxurious estate that would serve as my home as well as a free range booty farm, one where women of all races, colors, religions and creeds would be free to come and twerk to their heart’s content without fear of repercussions or reprisal, just as long as they didn’t mind me drooling all over them.

Alas, that dream never panned out and I’m not saying it is the fault of my 3.5 readers but yeah, it kinda is, because, you all could have, at any time, become 3.5 million readers but you didn’t.

I’m in luck, because life has now given me the next best thing.  The City Girls and Cardi B teamed up to create a video called “Twerk” and OMG, so many butts.  So many butts!  And they are just jiggling in the breeze, to and fro, a masterpiece for the eyes, a symphony for the senses.

Do not complain about how this video objectifies women, you unwoke bastard, because this video celebrates women.  They are free to explore their sexuality on a beach, on a yacht, in tiger and zebra body paintings…and I am free to explore my sexuality by fapping away.  Fap, fap, fap.

Yes, if you’ve seen this video then you know it changes the game in big booty rap videos.  Call Guinness, for it is a world’s record for the ultimate number of butts being shaken at once.  Don’t watch if you aren’t an adult, or feint of heart of suffer medical conditions or are pregnant.

Many years ago, Sir Mix-a-Lot started the booty rap video craze with his epic, “Baby Got Back.”  Nicki Minaj upped the game with “Anaconda” and now, Cardi B and the City Girls have basically gone nuclear with their butts, dropping a virtual hydrogen butt bomb with this video.

This means that the booty videos will only get more spectacular and grandiose from here.  I have no doubt that Nicki Minaj saw Cardi’s video and was like, “Call NASA because I need to send a rocket full of 10,000 bitches to twerk on the moon.”

In conclusion, I am checking out of life now.  I am done with all the false promises of existence.  Work hard and get your reward.  BS.  This video is my reward and I will watch it on a continuous loop, over and over and over until the end of time where at some point, thousands of years in the future, archaeologists in the year 5000 will excavate the sands of time away from my home and find my skeleton watching a tiger painted Cardi B shaking her booty.

Thank you, 3.5 readers.  I’d say you were the best readers I’ve ever had, but honestly, I’ve seen better.  I wish you the best of luck in finding another blog proprietor to disappoint.

 

 

 

 

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A Rap About the $1.66 I Made From Selling My Books On Amazon

BQB Editorial Note: I made $1.66 on my Amazon books, which you might scoff at, but do keep in mind that this is the first time I’ve made over a dollar so…it can only go up from here.  Here is a rap about it.

rappa

Aw yeah.  Aw yeah.  Mic check…1…2….1…2…

Lay down the beat, here’s what we gonna do.

I’mma head out on the town, take out my baby boo.

I got a dollar sixty six in my pocket to buy some drinks for me and you.

Oh, wave your hands in the air, if you a true player,

Throwin’ down two thirds of two dollars without havin’ any care.

But just beware of the limelight.

Busters want yo dollar and change and they gonna start a fight.

Blak-kak-kak-kat goes the gun blast!

Down to ground goes my ass.

Blood in my eyes, much to my surprise.

Some fool got my buck and a half, he capped my ass and now am I gonna die?

No, cuz I look to the sun and I know there’s more to do.

Gotta make another buck sixty six for me and a buck sixty six for you.

Gonna party on a yacht full of fat ass bitches.

Use all my dollar sixty sixes to eighty six all the hatas and da snitches.

Cristal flowin’ like a river and the shoties show me love.

Someone upstairs lookin’ out for me, cuz’ this dolla sixty six came from up above.

Uhh.  Yeah.  Uhh.  Yeah.  Dolla sixty six y’all.  Y’all wish you had a dolla sixty six.

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SJW Christmas Carols – Away in a Manger

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Away in a manger, no crib for a bed (because capitalism is the worst because the wealthiest 1 percent use the unwitting 99 percent as their pawns and socialism will totally work if we just give it one more try)…

The little Lord Jesus, laid down his, her, or possible xer’s head.  Whatever.  It’s way too early to box this child into a gender and Jesus will let us know what he, she, or xe is in time.

The stars in the sky, look down where he, she, or xe or any combination thereof because gender is fluid, lay.

The little Lord Jesus asleep on the hay, again, because when are we going to wake up and realize that capitalism is barbaric and only when government seizes control of all business interests will all children of indeterminate gender be allowed to sleep in the proper cribs they deserve.

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Baby, It’s Cold Outside – Super Politically Correct Modern Version

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HER: I really can’t stay.

HIM: That’s cool, you’re free to leave at anytime.  You’re a strong, independent woman in charge of your own agency, capable of making her own decisions and if remaining here is not your wish then I bid you adieu.

HER: I’ve got to go away.

HIM: No problem.  There’s the door.  Right there.  Good evening.  Drive safely.

HER: This evening has been…

HIM: I’m sorry, but I see you’re lingering.  Would you mind signing this memorandum indicating that you remained on the premises even though I distinctly said you were free to leave and I in no way impeded your exit?

HER: …so very nice.

HIM:  Don’t mind me.  I’m just going pull out my phone so I can stream us on Facebook live and, ok, here we are.  Hello, everyone.  Shout out to all my followers.  I just want to show the world that I’m being a total gentleman and I am not keeping this strong, independent woman from leaving.  See?  Right there’s the door.  Nothing is blocking it.  I’m all the way over here.  She’s free to go whenever she chooses.

HER: I ought to say, “No, no, no, sir!”

HIM: You have and I respect that.  Just a reminder you are more than welcome to walk out the front door and I will not interfere in any way.

HER: At least I’m going to say that I tried.

HIM: Yes, and as loudly as possible I am telling all 257 of my Facebook friends that I am trying to make sure that you are aware you are free to vamoose.

HER: My mother will start to worry.

HIM: Hold on, I’m going to get on my landline because I’m one of the last few people ot have one of those and I’m calling your mom and, “Hello Her’s Mother how are you? Him here.  Say, just wanted to clue you in on the situation. Her is fine. Totes fine. She’s here. I’m being totally respectful and I would never keep her here against her will.”

HER: My father will be pacing the floor.

HIM: You know, it dawns on me that maybe you aren’t leaving because you don’t have cab fare.  Now, please don’t take that the wrong way. I understand you are a very powerful, strong, independent woman who earns her own living and doesn’t need a man to pay her way but please, my treat, let me call you an Uber on my account and we’ll have the driver take you home or anywhere you want to go.  By the way, I will also pay a private detective to run a full background check on the driver and I will hire two armed guards to accompany you in case anyone tries to touch you during your ride.

HER: My sister will be suspicious.

HIM: Nope, she’s fine.  Hi, sis!  Thanks for friending me.  See?  Your sister’s A-OK. Hey I’m just going to step outside myself and I don’t even care if there’s 6 feet snowdrifts out here I’m just going to step out here on the front porch and, ah, that’s better! There we go! Now you’re safe in the house, and I’m out here so as to avoid the appearance of impropriety.  No one can say anything unsavory happened if you’re in there and I’m out here.  See that, Facebook? Everything’s totally legit.

HER: My brother will be pacing the floor.

HIM: I’m just going to send my carrier pigeon to your brother with a note in his beak informing him that you’re fine and if he or any of your other family or friends would like to come over and verify that you’re OK, they are welcome to come here and do so.  Away you go, pigeon! In the meantime, I will keep speaking to you through the open door but I will remain outside in these arctic conditions so that you remain safe.

HER: Your welcome has been…

HIM: Oh thank god, it’s a police officer out on patrol! Officer!  Yoo hoo!  Would you be a pal and stand next to me to verify that I am not doing anything to harm this strong, independent female and Her, just an FYI if you feel unsafe I’m sure this officer would be willing to escort you past me just, again, to be on the safe side.  You can never be too careful.

HER: …so nice and warm.

HIM:  Shit!  She won’t leave.  Let me get on the phone again.  Hello?  Ajax Public Relations Firm?  Look, there’s going to be a huge story about me tomorrow and we need to get ahead of it ASAP.  Cancel all your business. I’m putting you on retainer because it is going to be blasted all over the inter webs and I’ll need your full staff ready and waiting to field press inquiries 24/7. I want to tell you right up front I did not lay a hand on this strong, powerful woman and in fact, I streamed our entire evening on Facebook from outside the house while a police officer was present and what?  Well…no, of course I’m not calling her a liar!  I’m not saying that tomorrow, she might believe that something bad might have happened, I’m just saying that I will not be the culprit.  What?  What do you mean that’s as good as calling her a liar?  No, I don’t believe all women lie.  Yes, I believe all women…

HER: So really I’d better scurry.

HIM: Officer, if you’d be so kind as to handcuff me and yes, there we go.  My hands are now restrained behind my back.  Officer, if you wouldn’t mind to use my phone to keep the Facebook stream going.  Wait, let me shout to my neighbors.  NEIGHBORS! COME OUT AND BE MY WITNESSES, PLEASE!

HER: But maybe just a half a drink more.

HIM:  Oh no.  There’s no alcohol here, ma’am.  I’m not implying that you, as a woman, would somehow be prone to abusing alcohol or that women should not feel free to imbibe, I’m just saying I do not keep alcohol in the house so as to prevent a situation where a woman might become inebriated because then she would be in a state where she could be taken advantage of.  You are welcome to get some tap water but please keep your hand over your drink at all times as you never know when someone might slip a mickey into it.

HER: My maiden aunt’s mind is vicious.

HIM: That’s fine.  See? My neighbors came outside so I have over a dozen witnesses on the scene who can testify I did no wrong here.

HER: But maybe just a cigarette more.

HIM: I’m sorry, there’s no smoking allowed here.  By the way, it just dawned on me that maybe you are not leaving because you fear reprisal if you do.  Please rest assured that no harm will come to you, should you decide to leave.  There will be no harm done to you at any time in the future, whatsoever.  I will not say anything bad about your reputation and we don’t work in the same field so I have no power to get you blacklisted or drummed out of your profession and you know what?  I’ll put this in writing.  Let me just write this down.  OK.  Here’s a fully binding legal document indicating you are free to leave and there will be no repercussions for doing so and I will not interfere with your livelihood if you go and hey?  Isn’t one of my neighbors a notary?  Fred, you’re a notary, right?  Cool.  Fred just notarized this.

HER: You’ve really been grand…

HIM: By the way, just now, I wrote that all behind my back.  I trained on how to write while handcuffed just for occasions like these.  Her, it now dawns on me maybe you’re not leaving because you think you want to engage in voluntary sexual congress with me right now but perhaps thirty to forty years in the future you will regret having sex with me and will consider the act a violation of your person.  It just so happens, one of my neighbors is a fortune teller so I’m just going to let her…

MADAME OLGA: By the light of the full moon, I gaze my eyes upon the wonders of my crystal ball and I look forward into the mists of the great beyond.  Oh spirits, tell me if sex that happens today will be appreciated or despised in four decades time.

HIM: You know what?  Cut that, Olga. I’m just going to refuse to participate in any sex at all.  You hear that, everyone?  I refuse sex.  There is absolutely no way to tell if this woman, who has gotten all naked and is lying spread eagle on my bearskin rug, licking her lips and beckoning me to come hither with her finger whilst a bright, flashing neon sign points to her vagina that says, “OPEN FOR BUSINESS!” Yes, to the untrained eye, it looks like this strong, independent woman desires sex but there’s no way to know for sure.  Anyone could have put that sign there.  I’ll just decline.  Fred, draw up a legal memorandum indicating my declination of any and all possible sex acts this evening.

HER: But can’t you see?  Baby it’s cold outside…

HIM: Oh my god!  She’s coming this way!  Quick, officer!  Shoot my dick off!  I beg of you! I don’t want to be declared the next sex pervert du jour on the inter webs tomorrow! Please!  Shoot my dick off!  I beg you!

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Daily Discussion with BQB – Don’t Worry, Be Happy?

Hey 3.5 readers.

Do you think singer Bobby McFerrin was right when he advised the world, “Don’t worry, be happy?”

Sometimes I wonder if it is more appropriate to worry and also be unhappy.

Honestly, if you ain’t got no cash and ain’t got no style, ain’t got no girl to make you smile, then what the hell do you have to be happy about?

Discuss.

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Music Review – My Analysis of Childish Gambino’s “This is America”

Believe it or not, this is the first time I’ve ever reviewed a music video on this exceptional blog.  Perhaps it could be the start of a trend.

Actor/comedian Donald Glover was the funniest part of NBC’s “Community,” but for years, he’s rapped under the moniker, “Childish Gambino.”  As rappers go, I thought he was ok, he had some skills but never really blew any wind up my proverbial skirt until now.

Although it isn’t for the squeamish, his new video “This is America” is worth a watch, and maybe even a couple watches just to pick up all the hidden and/or double meanings.  He’s definitely lit up the Internet, getting people talking and there are all sorts of theories about what he’s trying to say.

I’ll give my two cents though I admit up front I could be entirely wrong in my interpretation:

#1 – On a surface level, it’s a psyche out.  It begins as though he’s going to sing a happy song, something lively and fun in the wheelhouse of Pharell’s “Happy.”  But then it turns dark.  Ever so nonchalantly, Gambino blows away a man seated in a chair with a bag over his head.

The tone of the song goes from happy tune to hardcore rap…and yet, ironically, Gambino and a gaggle of young students in school uniforms proceed to dance happily, as though the happy music was still playing.

This happens a second time, when the happy music starts up again, then Gambino machine guns a church choir, then the hardcore rap plays yet he and company dance happily to the hardcore beat.

The casual, non-introspective viewer will think this is just a bait and switch, get you to look left while you get walloped with a right hook you weren’t suspecting.  But there’s much more.

#2 – Obviously, gun violence is a major theme.  One thought I had is that the first shooting was a street crime style shooting.  As the dancing goes on in the foreground, a small amount of people freak out and run around in the background.

Meanwhile, the second shooting was an act of terrorism, and tons of people freak out and run around in the background.  I could be stretching here but it dawned on me that people freak out when a lot of people are shot at once in a mass shooting and they demand that something be done to stop mass shootings.  Yet, individuals are shot in criminal i.e. (you crossed me or you got something I want) style shootings and the public doesn’t respond with equal alarm, even though if you add those individual shootings up, the numbers get high.

Both types of shootings need to be solved, stopped, prevented.

#3 – The choir scene is clearly a reference to the Charlestown church shooting where 9 black worshippers were gunned down by a white supremacist.  And I think Gambino was trying to make a point in how quickly and casually he was able to wipe out a whole choir, cutting a large group of people down as easily as how a hot knife would go through butter, perhaps trying to make us rethink the idea of letting the average person wield a device that carries so much power.

#4 – Dancing happily amidst tragedy = the general public seeks constant entertainment and distraction.  We sort of know that these shootings are going on, maybe we heard about them on the noise or something, we care for a little bit and then…ooohh, hey!  What’s that new song?  Time to dance to this new beat!  We’re easily distracted and should be taking the time we put into entertaining ourselves with pop culture and putting it into solving society’s ill, gun violence in particular.

#5 – We celebrate black pop culture and black entertainers in particular…the music, the dancing and so on…and yet, are we doing enough to help inner city African Americans who suffer all day?  Do we only care about African Americans who can sing and dance but not about those who live in downtrodden neighborhoods who just want to get through their day without becoming the next victim?

I don’t know.  Those are some of my observations.  Could be wrong.  I don’t know if he has done it yet, but would love it if Glover would come out and spoon feed us what he was trying to say.

What do you think?

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A Love Letter Using Only 1990s Song Titles

Dearest Macarena,

One Sweet Day, I’ll need you to Hit Me Baby One More Time.  I’m Too Sexy, I Swear, and I’m not a Loser.  Is this the End of the Road?  No, and No Scrubs could ever be Killing You Softly with His Song.  Will we be Livin’ La Vida Loca?  You Can’t Touch This?  That’s cold as Ice, Ice, Baby.

 

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Are You Dating a Wannabe Rapper?

Yo, yo, yo, what up ladies?

BQB in the hizzy fo shizzy.

Are you dating a wannabe rapper?

Only this BQB top ten list can help you know for sure. Or rather, fo sho.

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Was Justin Timberlake’s Half-Time Show that Bad?

Poor JT.  He goes to the Super Bowl and whips out Janet Jackson’s titty and everyone flips out, so this time he plays it straight and everyone gets pissed out.

Look, make up your minds, people.  Either you want Justin to whip out titties or you don’t.

I’ll admit though I’m not sure what the point of this whole “Man of the Woods” thing is.  Like, you think it means he’s trying to become a Country music star but instead he’s just making pop songs about the country?  WTF.

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