Tag Archives: music

Rap Philosophy – Sir Mix-a-Lot Likes Big Butts and He Cannot Lie

the-thinker-1090226__480

Sir Mix-a-Lot.  The greatest rapper to rap about his love of big butts.  I have no idea if this amazingly talented man released any other songs but let’s face it, other than “Baby Got Back,” you can’t name another one, can you?

Nope.  Neither can I.

He was pretty much a one and done.  He revealed his big butt love to the world and then he no longer had anything else to say.  Sometimes a song can so perfectly capture everything an artists wants to say that the artist need not speak further.

Personally, I would love to know the tale of daring-do that Sir Mix-a-Lot engaged in, in order to be named a knight of the British Realm, but that’s neither here nor there at this time.

Big butts!  Sir Mix not only loved them, but he could not lie about his love of them.  At the time, it was considered tawdry to declare one’s love of big butts to the world, yet Sir Mix loved them so much that he could not lie about it without denying a very important piece of his soul, the fabric of his very being.

Do you love big butts?  Then you shouldn’t lie about it.  But consider this.  There are many things we all like that we lie about for fear of public reprisal.  Perhaps it is time for people to embrace Sir Mix-a-Lot’s honesty and shout to the rooftops the things you like.

Perhaps you like to write, but you fear people around you will write you off as a hopeless dreamer.

Perhaps you like music, but don’t want to be considered a frivolous person who just sits around playing your trombone.

Perhaps you like art, but fear that people will just think you are a weirdo who just paints all day.

Stop.  Whatever your theoretical “big butt” is, stop lying on it.  Sir Mix-a-Lot climbed a giant butt mountain in a video surrounded by women with big butts just to proudly declare to the world that he would not be intimidated into saying that he likes small butts, and you shouldn’t be intimidated into saying you dislike things you like, especially when there really isn’t a good reason to say that you don’t like them.

Sir Mix-a-Lot didn’t have a problem with butts.  Those snotty girls in the locker room griping to Becky about big butts were the ones with the problem.  You don’t have a problem with writing, music or art, the people who are trying to get you to stop liking such things have the problem.

Look people, the man’s a knight, so he must have learned a thing or two in his travels, knowledge that entered his brain as he slayed dragons and trolls and orcs and defended Old Britannia from the forces of evil.

Is there a theoretical “big butt” that you love, that you can’t deny?  Discuss in the comments.

Tagged , , , ,

The Art of the Rick Roll

Hey 3.5 readers.

BQB here.

rick-astley-president-he-will-never-vgive-you-up-make-2576456

I do love a good Rick Roll…but what is it about this thirty some odd year old song that has the Internet going ga ga today?  Why is it considered clever to trick someone into clicking on this video?

Is it Rick’s good looks?  No.  The man’s clearly a flat-top sporting ginger.

Is it his funky dance moves?  No.  He clearly just holds his hands out, makes a couple of fists, then sways from side to side.

Is it his sense of style?  No.  The man is clearly wearing some kind of 1980s trench coat, like he’s some kind of flasher….except not, because he has clothes on underneath.

It’s none of these things.  Yet, Rick is so damn desirable to the ladies for one reason:  his song is all about pure love.

Rick isn’t one of those rappers, promising a quote unquote “bitch” money, diamonds, wealth, jewelry, power and so on in exchange for her phat ass.  No sir.  Rick may not be much to look at, but he boils love down to its core essentials, rattling off a list to a blonde woman in the video of the basics that he, and frankly any good man, would give to a woman:

I’m never gonna give you up,

Never gonna let you down,

Never gonna run around, and desert you.

Never gonna make you cry.

Never gonna say goodbye.

Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you.

Look people, we’ve established Rick is not much to look at.  He can’t dance.  His fashion stinks.  To quote Bobby Ferrin, “He aint got no cash, aint got no style…”

But what he lacks in superficial qualities, he makes up with in heart.  He’s got a big one and he wants this lady to know it.  Rich, handsome, studly men who can dance and don’t have red hair can get all the women they want and sadly, more often than not, they can trick a woman into being used and then tossed aside like yesterday’s stale doughnut.

Not Rick, ladies.  He doesn’t have much going for him and like most of us average to below average looking dudes, the best we can do is promise you the basics of love.  We’re not going to leave you.  We’re not going to lie to you.  We aren’t going to hurt you.

Superficial men may be able to promise you material possessions, but the Rick Astleys of the world know their woman wooing abilities are limited and thus, they embrace all of the aspects of what true love is supposed to be all about, namely – honesty and commitment.

No ladies, if you pick a Rick Astley, he’s probably not going to turn all your friends’ heads and make them jealous of you when you walk into the room together.  He’s not going to buy you a bunch of expensive crap.  He’s most likely going to wear that dumb trench coat to every affair.  He’ll always have red hair.  He’ll always dance like a department store mannequin that just came to life and is trying to figure out how his new body works for the first time.

But – he will be there when you need him, ladies.  Is he cheating on you when he’s not with you?  No, for if you recall, he pledged that he would never run around.  Will he leave you?  No.  He promised he would not desert you.  Is he telling the truth?  Yes.  He made it crystal clear that he will never tell a lie.

Fidelity.  Honesty.  Commitment.  These are the cornerstones of any good relationship and Rick Astley is offering them up on a silver platter.

Rick’s promises are so pure that his career was basically one song and done.  I have no idea if he put out any other songs.  If he did, I can’t name one.  Can you?  If he did, he didn’t have to.  He said all he needed to say about love then rode off into the sunset like a ginger cowboy.

Perhaps that is why it is so fun to do a Rick Roll.  Typically, the joke is to fool narcissistic folks into clicking onto something that they are led to believe will bring them wealth, power, or something else that doesn’t matter much in the grand scheme of things, only to be reminded of what really matters by the Rickster.

As for all of you single ladies out there trying to figure out what you want in a man, let me make it simple for you:  Choose a Rick Astley, ladies.  Choose a Rick Astley.

FYI: I can’t take credit for that meme.  It was floating around in the last election and frankly, maybe we should have elected Rick Astley president.

Tagged , , , , , , ,

Rap Philosophy – All I Need is a Big Booty Ho

the-thinker-1090226__480

The year?  2012.

The artist?  2 Chainz, a true revolutionary in that he made the world aware that he only needed two chains.  He was too important to have only one chain, yet not so tacky that he needed a hundred chains.  He just needed one more chain that the average man.

The song?  The Birthday Song.

The important lyrics:

When I die, bury me inside that Gucci store
When I die, bury me inside that Louis store
All I want for my birthday is a big booty ho
All I want for my birthday is a big booty ho.

Crude?  Certainly.  Crass?  Definitely.  Groundbreaking?  You bet.

Shakespeare?  Fakespeare.  Chaucer?  Schmaucer.  With these four lines, 2 Chainz proves to be one of the greatest bards of the English language.

3.5 READERS: But BQB!  He’s just talking about material possessions and women with big butts.

Yes…and no.

Death.  Ahh, the Grim Reaper eventually puts his icy hand on all over our shoulders.  And so, all that Mr. Chainz asks is that when he dies, he is buried in a high end fashion store (Gucci or Louis).

He considers himself high end, a man worthy of the respect that wealthy shoppers give to luxury clothing labels.  That’s how he wants to be remembered – as high end.

But he’s not dead yet.  In life, and for as long as air fills his lungs, the man wants what is most important to him, namely, women with loose morals and copious derrieres.  Big booty hoes make Mr. Chainz happy and he wishes to celebrate his birthday (the annual celebration of his life) by pursuing his great passion of fornicating with big booty hoes.

What the general public fails to realize is that getting the gift of a big booty ho on your birthday is a metaphor that could represent literally what is the most important pursuit in anyone’s life.  When you hear Mr. Chainz say, “All I want for my birthday is a big booty ho” you should hear, “All I want for my birthday is to pursue the most important activity in my life.”

3.5 readers, what is your big booty ho?  For 2 Chainz, his big booty ho actually was a big booty ho.

For me, my big booty ho is writing.  All I want for my birthday is a seven figure book publishing deal.  Although, to be honest, I wouldn’t turn down a big booty ho either.

What’s your big booty ho?  Is it music?  Art? Sports?  Photography?  Hiking? Tennis? Basketball?  Needlepoint? Cooking?  Fancy dining?  Travel?

Maybe the big booty ho isn’t an activity but a dream.  A goal.  2 Chainz’s goal is to get down with a big booty ho.  Maybe you dream of becoming an Olympic athlete, or a broadway star, or the next start up company billionaire.  Whatever it is, you must pursue and grab hold of the gigantic butt cheeks of your big booty ho before it is too late and you are left all alone, with nary a big booty ho in sight.

Whatever your personal big booty ho is, I hope you pursue it.  And if you ever lose sight of your big booty ho, I hope that you will remember to keep chasing that big booty ho on your birthday.  Birthdays are fun days to celebrate our life, but they also keep us humble and remind us that that clock is ticking, and there’s one less year to chase that big booty ho that is eluding us.

Tell me about your big booty ho in the comments, 3.5 readers.

Tagged , , , , , , , , ,

Movie Review – Sandy Wexler (2017)

The 1990s are alive again!

BQB here with a review of Adam Sandler’s latest Netflix comedy.

 

It’s the last decade of the second millennium and Sandy Wexler (Adam Sandler) is the worst agent in all of Hollywood.  He’s a bumbling, incompetent boob with a wacky voice, big window pane glasses and all sorts of disgusting quirks.  He lies constantly, makes weird outbursts and can’t eat anything without getting it all over anyone in his vicinity.

His clients stink too, ranging from a stunt man who can’t stop destroying himself (Nick Swardson) to one of the creepiest ventriloquists of all time (Kevin James).

All that changes when Sandy discovers singer Courtney Clarke (Jennifer Hudson).  She quickly becomes Sandy’s first client with talent ever.  As her career blasts off, Sandy ends up going through the ringer of a town known for chewing people up and spitting them out.

This movie is a celebration of all things 90s.  The funky neon shirts, the cars, the popular products of the day, the styles, the pop culture, it’s all on full display, coming across as Adam Sandler’s love song to the decade that made him big.  Believe it or not but there was a scene that made me miss Fruitopia.  Mmm.  Fruitopia.  Do you remember Fruitopia?  It was actually pretty good.  I want one right now.

The whole story is narrated by a plethora of 1990s era celebrities.  Pauly Shore, Jewel, Lisa Loeb, Downtown Julie Brown, Arsenio Hall are just some of the big names of yesteryear that pop in, making me depressed that the decade I came of age in is so far gone now.

Oh well.  That’s the way the cookie crumbles.

Jennifer Hudson’s beauty and singing skills are the best parts of the film, leaving me to wonder why she is so underutilized in Hollywood.  She makes the film great but there was a part of me that thought, “This poor, classy woman.  She’s so much better than this.  She should be headlining major films.”

Oh well.  Maybe Hollywood will get the message on J-Hud sooner or later.

There’s a divided verdict out there on Adam Sandler.  If you were born in the 80s or before, you probably love him.  If you were born in the 90s or after, you hate him.  All of his movies usually involve him embracing a zany character and then following through on the character’s quirks to an eventual conclusion.

Personally, I love Adam Sandler, but if I’m channeling my movie critic side, I’d have to say that his two best films were Happy Gilmore and Billy Madison.  He had one great comeback with Don’t Mess with the Zohan and then it has been choppy waters ever since.

Thus, I think Adam has found a good home on Netflix.  Streaming allows his fans like me to find him without drawing the ire of millennials who take a look at the Sandman without being completely baffled about what he’s up to.

Then again, sometimes I’m baffled about what Adam is up to.  Hell, I bet even Adam is baffled.

Why is this man funny?  The world may never know…but he is….sometimes.  He’s kind of like your home team.  He wins some.  He loses some.  You root for him because you have fond memories of when he won some and you’re waiting for him to win some again.

STATUS:  Shelf-worthy.

Tagged , , , , , , ,

Daily Discussion with BQB – That Scene in Michael Jackson’s “Beat It…”

…where the two dudes get their hands tied together, thus allowing them to have a knife fight to the death because neither is able to run away is by far the most awesome, totally gangster scene in music video history.

Discuss.

Tagged , ,

Droppin’ Monsters (A Bookshelf Q. Battle Rap)

Oh my God, 3.5 readers.  Oh my God.

Sit all 3.5 of your butts down for this.

So, as you know, back in the day I was one half of the rap duo known as The Funky Hunks.  My partner MC Plotz and I were a hit with the late 1990s/early 2000s soccer moms what with our squeaky clean lyrics.

Alas, time moved on and my rhyme spinning days are long behind me, but my lyric writing game is still pretty sweet, so I found a rapper on artist who goes by the handle I_Will_Rap.  He’s got mad crazy skills and he’ll rap whatever you want for a reasonable price.

Anyway.  Without further ado, I present to you the debut of the new hit single, sure to take the hip hop world by storm and it’s so good that it may even unite East and West Coast rappers together in a new era of peace, love and understanding: Droppin’ Monsters.

DROPPIN’ MONSTERS (A Bookshelf Q. Battle Rap)

Lyrics by: Bookshelf Q. Battler

Beats Dropped and Rhymes Rapped by I_Will_Rap

Yo. 2017. Time to make the green.
Bookshelf Q. Battler droppin monsters like a bad habit.
Let’s do this thing. Time to get paid, ya dig?

You roll up to your crib and there’s a vampire inside.
Call on BQB to do the wooden stake slide.
But oh my god a zombie wants my brains!
Better get BQB to make it rain the pain.
What’s that in my yard? A chupacabra goat sucker?
BQB grab your nine, pop a cap in that mother (bleep).

When it comes to fighting evil, BQB is the best.
Forces of darkness don’t even try it, this is a nerd you do not want to test.

East Randomtown is the dope ass hood where this bespectacled pimp resides.
He’s chillin in his headquarters, the fly ass hunnies won’t be denied.
BQB is a badass monster hunter, you know that is a fact.
So if you’re a demon straight outta hell, he’ll put you on your back.

One day while BQB was writing,
On his blog called bookshelfbattle.com
There was a sound that was oh so frightening
So he said, “what’s going on?”
He ran downstairs to his living room and what oh what did he see?
A fat ass yeti sitting on his couch, eating his food and watching TV.

“I live in your house forever now,” the Yeti said.
“I’m taking over this fabulous place.”
But that idea filled BQB with dread
So he round house kicked the Yeti right in the face.

Yeah, BQB is droppin monsters.
Ghosts and goblins and werewolves too.
That nerd is gonna do a drive by.
On anything that dares to shout, “boo!”

But when BQB’s not dropping a monstrous reprobate,
He’s writing a dope ass story.
He’s gonna save the world from the Mighty Potentate,
And get his ass some glory.

So don’t forget to check bookshelfbattle.com
For news of BQB’s daring do.
And if you are a monster,
BQB is coming for you.

Damn. That was some sweet ass shit.
3.5 readers my ass. Bookshelf Q. Battler should have all the (bleep) readers.

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Happy Birthday Kurt Cobain

Kurt Cobain.  He briefly stepped onto the music scene in the early 1990s, gave us grunge aka alternative rock, the most depressing yet beloved sound of the 90s and then, sadly killed himself.  I mean, I don’t want to say it’s not surprising that the King of Depressing Music killed himself but, yeah, I guess that’s what happened.

Kurt would have been fifty today and no, millennials, he would not have been a baby boomer.  He’d of been on the older side of Generation X.

Sigh.  Generation X.  The forgotten generation.

Put on your flannel shirt and rock out, 3.5 readers.

 

Tagged , , , , ,

Toilet Gator – Network News One Transcript #1

1471302324

Network News One Transcript #1

(Open on Kurt Manley, stereotypically perfect looking news anchor, complete with square jaw, perfect hair and teeth).

KURT MANLEY: Witnesses on the scene reported that the Pope was heard to say, “That’s the last time I’ll go to Tijuana without a passport and a reach around. Coming up in the next hour, the ayatollah has released a series of photos of himself mooning a paper mache version of the president. Also, there’s a new report out in which seventeen out of twenty scientists claim that one of the breakfast cereals in your pantry might cause you to literally vomit out your entire spleen. We’ll tell you which cereal that is after sports and weather. But first, controversial pop star Countess Cucamonga is kicking off her highly anticipated comeback tour tonight. We take you live to Miami, where our local affiliate…Jesus…local affiliate…is that the best we could do?

(Local affiliate reporter Natalie Brock, an average looking brunette, appears on screen. She’s standing on the floor of a packed concert around, surrounded by screaming fans).

NATALIE BROCK: Good evening Kurt. I’m here at the Sunnyside Arena…

KURT MANLEY: Where’s Dan? Hey, Dan, we couldn’t have done better than a local affiliate reporter for this? Yeah…uh huh…sure but I mean, for Christ’s sake man, look at her tits. They’re A cups at best. Barely a handful.  Utterly useless.

(Natalie stares blankly at the camera).

KURT MANLEY: Oh right. Take it away Natalie.

NATALIE BROCK: Kurt, I’m coming to you from the Sunnyside Arena in downtown Miami, where fans have turned out in droves for Countess Cucamonga’s first concert since her arrest and subsequent hospitalization for moki fish huffing addiction. For those unaware, moki fish huffing is the latest celebrity addiction to hit Hollywood. An addict will spend upwards of three hundred thousand dollars to illegally important the rare, virtually extinct Japanese moki fish, spoon model airplane glue into the fish’s hind quarters, and then somehow the combination of the glue and fish pheromones creates a potent high that can be achieved by sniffing the glue filled fish’s anus.

KURT MANLEY: Don’t bore me with information I already know for…um…news reporting purposes and only news reporting purposes, Natalie.

NATALIE BROCK: Sorry Kurt.  Now, we’ve gotten word from Countess Cucamonga’s press agent that the Countess plans to debut a new song tonight, one that will showcase her range as a performer. According to the statement we’ve received, the Countess is tired of churning out the same old vulgar, sensationalized songs that capitalize on her ample posterior. Her time in rehab has given her perspective and now she wants to give back and do her part to bring about world peace.

KURT MANLEY: Aw, what the hell. I really love those butt songs. Countess Got Back. Cucamonga Crack. Twerk Dat Booty. Stuff Dem Jeans.

NATALIE BROCK: Indeed, Kurt. In fact, the Countess’ most famous single, Max Out My Extra Strength Stretch Pants, went quadruple platinum, but apparently the Countess has become a more civic minded entertainer now.

KURT MANLEY: Isn’t Countess Cucamonga’s posterior insured for three hundred million dollars?

NATALIE BROCK: There has been talk of that in the tabloids but I don’t believe anyone in the Countess’ entourage has ever given official confirmation. However, it is undeniable that Countess Cucamonga has one of the most infamous derrieres in show business.

(The lights dim. The crowd goes silent).

NATALIE BROCK: That’s our cue, Kurt. Let’s listen in as the Countess starts her new life as a world peace advocate.

(Countess Cucamonga, an insanely beautiful woman, flies over the crowd via wires attached to her body. She wears a pink wig and a sparkly gown. Her butt is enormous. She lands on stage. Smoke clouds burst and then dissipate, allowing her backup dancers to appear. The crowd goes wild. The Countess begins to sing a slow song.)

COUNTESS CUCAMONGA: War…famine…plague….destruction…death. So much can happen to take away our last breath…

(A giant globe depicting all of the continents is lowered behind the Countess. It spins slowly).

COUNTESS CUCAMONGA: Poverty…catastrophe…so much can come between you and me…

(Natalie appears on screen and whispers).

NATALIE BROCK: Looks like she really has turned over a new leaf, Kurt.

KURT MANLEY: Move your stupid head, Natalie. I’m trying to scope out the Countess’ turd cutter.

NATALIE BROCK: Sorry.

KURT MANLEY: Aww, who can see it through that long gown anyway.

(The Countess returns to screen).

COUNTESS CUCAMONGA: I’m here to tell you there’s a way that all this mayhem can cease. There is a road to international peace. The road is here, it is so clear, and the road to world peace runs through…

(The globe explodes, shooting confetti all over the crowd. A giant butt takes the globe’s place. The Countess rips off her dress, leaving her with nothing but a skimpy bikini and highly revealing panties printed with various world countries. Lights flash, the crowd cheers as the song picks up tempo…)

COUNTESS CUCAMONGA: …my butt!

(The Countess points her butt at the audience and twerks up a storm).

COUNTESS CUCAMONGA: Butt peace! It’s what the world needs now. Butt peace! You’ll drop your jaw and say, “Wow!” Butt peace! Drop your guns, stare at these buns. No time for war when your eyes are sore from staring at…

(The Countess slaps her right cheek).

COUNTESS CUCAMONGA: …my butt.

(Natalie Brock appears on screen).

NATALIE BROCK: Well, there you have it, Kurt. I’ve just received word that ‘Hashtag Butt Peace’ is trending on Lifebox and Butt Peace can be purchased through whichever music site you prefer to throw your money away on. There are also seven hundred online petitions demanding that Countess Cucamonga be named an official UN ambassador, thus allowing her to spread her message of butt related peace throughout the world.

(Kurt Manley appears on stage, grooving in his seat).

KURT MANLEY: Aw, yeah. Butt peace, baby! Woo! The Countess has done it again.

(Kurt stops dancing and ruffles through a stack of papers).

KURT MANLEY: That’ll do it for Natalie Brock, our Miami affiliate reporter and card carrying member of the Itty Bitty Titty Committee. Keep your TV locked on Network News One because in the next hour, we’re going to asking Congressman Hutchins why he supports HR4900, better known as the “Turn Every American’s Life into a Big Pile of Shit” Bill. But first, are there traces of rat poison in your toothpaste? Find out after this commercial break.

Tagged , , , ,

Hello…Is It BQB You’re Looking For?

love-1643452__480

Dear Video Game Rack Fighter,

Your old ex-boyfriend BQB here.  I know our divorce agreement called for me to be shot out of a cannon aimed directly at the sun if I ever post on this fine blog ever again, but it’s Valentine’s Day and I can’t help myself.

These past few weeks spent spooning with Leo McCoy in the Random Motel have really provided me some perspective, namely, that I love you and also that I won’t even pee in the toilet anymore so as to avoid causing a fight due to poor aim.  I will just pee outside with Bookshelf Q. Battle Dog from now on.

Anyway, I met Lionel Ritchie at the Random Motel.  He was staying there because, well, he doesn’t have much to do lately.  He helped me write this love song in your honor.  Hope you like it:

Hello…Is It BQB You’re Looking For?

I’ve been alone with you inside my HQ
And when Leo McCoy spoons me, I don’t know what to do.
I sometimes use the Yeti as my throw rug on the floor.
Hello, is it BQB you’re looking for?
I can see it in on the blog
I can see it in the web hits
You want to go back to your video games.
You don’t want none of this.
And I want to tell you so much, I love you.
I long to see you turn on your gaming system.
And watch you kick back with a game of Car Thief Mayhem.
But all I do now is tell Leo McCoy, “No!”
Hello!  I don’t want to spoon with him no mo!
Cause I wonder what Bookshelf Q Battle Dog is up to.
Is he being a good dog.Is he watching over you?
Tell me how to win back my blog, it would be a miraculous feat.
But let me start by saying…I’m sorry I peed on the toilet seat.
Hello
Is it BQB you’re looking for?
Cause I wonder about my 3.5 readers, and what is on their minds.
Are they still even reading this blog?  Are they tired of this grind?
Tell me how to win back my blog, oh that would be a miraculous feet
But let me start by saying I’m sorry I peed on the toilet seat.

P.S. Also I love you and so forth.

Tagged , , , ,