Tag Archives: music

Top Ten Songs of 1992

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Hey 3.5 readers.

BQB here.  Still spinning the classics, like these:

#10 – Achy Breaky Heart – Billy Ray Cyrus

Don’t break my heart.  My achy breaky heart.  Who knew that Billy Ray’s daughter would one day go on to become the more famous Cyrus?

#9 – Damn I Wish I Was Your Lover – Sophie B. Hawkins

No woman has ever said this to me.  Thanks for making me dream the impossible dream, Sophie B.  What does that B stand for anyway?  I’m too lazy to look it up.

#8 – I’m Too Sexy – Right Said Fred

If you’re too sexy for something, then you should proudly declare it, like these guys did.

#7 – Jump Around – House of Pain

No house party in the 1990s was complete without this little ditty.

#6 – Rump Shaker – Wreckx-N-Effect

All I want to do is zoom a zoom zoom zoom and a boom boom.  That is literally all I have ever wanted to do.

#5 – Constant Craving – K.D. Lang

She was a lesbian pop culture icon before Ellen.

#4 – Rhythm is a Dancer – SNAP!

Why wouldn’t it be?

#3 – Jump – Kriss Kross

These tykes really knew how to drop a beat.  Jump, like Jump Around, was another party staple.  Everyone just wanted to jump in the 1990s.

#2 – Tears in Heaven – Eric Clapton

A good song but so sad.  I suppose when a song is so sad that it is hard to listen to, it has done its job.

#1 – Baby Got Back – Sir Mix-a-Lot

The song that started the entire butt rap genre.  Thank you, Sir Mix-a-Lot.

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Top Ten Songs of 1991

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Hey 3.5 readers.

I’m DJ BQB and I’m spinning the greatest hits of 1991, but it will have to be in your mind because this is a blog post.  Better yet, go out and stream some of these hits and transport yourself to the days when Bush the Elder was president.  Wow, so much time has gone by.

#10 – Enter Sandman – Metallica

“Hush little baby, don’t say a word.  And never mind that noise you heard.”

Gotta say, by today’s standards, there’s something creepy about grown ass metal rockers warning a theoretical little kid listener about all the evils that will come for them when they go to sleep but then again, I suppose this song is maybe a metaphor about how bad things happen just when you think life is going your way…I think.  Who knows?

It’s fun to rock out to though.

#9 – Give It Away – Red Hot Chili Peppers 

What you got you gotta give it to your mama, your papa…I don’t know.  Nonsense words, really.  But if there’s a better band of shirtless Californians with long hippy hair, I’ve yet to see it.

#8 – Motownphilly – Boyz II Men

These dudes had skills.  They made that “I’ll Make Love to You” song that serves as a soundtrack for many risque encounters and they did that “End of the Road” song which you need to play when one of your homeboys dies.  So they wrote the soundtrack for death and sex if you think about it.

PS – I’ll be honest they may have had bigger hits than Motownphilly I’m just not sure when they came out so if they had a bigger hit that came out in 1991, my bad.

#7 – Losing My Religion – R.E.M.

I’ve been a humorist my entire life, ever since I popped out of my mother’s snootch with a pair of Groucho glasses on.  Ergo, it’s hard for me to not think of history in terms of jokes what were popular at the time.  Thinking about this song reminds me of that inevitable joke that people busted on it, i.e. you’d make fun of it by just saying “That’s me in some place” like “That’s me in the taco stand…that’s me in the parking lot….that’s me in the grocery store….that’s me in the laundromat.”

#6 – Shiny Happy People – R.E.M.

I’ll give them another one, though Boyz II Men should probably get more spots on this list too.  At any rate, the 1990s were a time of peace and prosperity.  WWII was long over.  The Soviet Union was on the way out.  There weren’t any wars on the horizon.  For a brief, flickering moment it looked like America would be able to come together and enjoy some stability…and act like shiny happy people holding hands…finally.

Think we’ll ever get there again, 3.5 readers?

#5 – O.P.P. – Naughty By Nature

Want to know how woke the world has become since the early 1990s, 3.5 readers?

At the time, the big complaint about this song was that people should never steal someone else’s pussy.

Today, the complaint is the backward notion that a pussy could belong to anyone other than she to whom it is attached.

#4 – Good Vibrations – Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch

I was just a kid at the time but even then had you told me that the guy who sings this song would one day become an Oscar level actor, I would have not believed you.

#3 – Something to Talk About – Bonnie Raitt

TRANSLATION OF THIS SONG – If people are accusing us of humping anyway, then we should just go ahead and hump.

Therefore, by the transitive property, Bonnie Raitt is a fan of humping.  Who isn’t though?

#2 – I Wanna Sex You Up – Color Me Badd

Who doesn’t?

#1 – Smells Like Teen Spirit – Nirvana

The song and/or accompanying album that changed the music world as well as the rock genre.  Rock no longer had to be fun, funky, or even campy.  It could be depressed.

Earlier I mentioned the 1990s were good times.  Unfortunately, it’s just human nature for people to be unhappy when there isn’t conflict.  You had the old people bitching and moaning about how tough they had it and how that strife made them better people, but now old the young people had grown soft.  Yup, we’re soft, so I guess we’ll just rock out to our ennui.

HONORABLE MENTION:

Paula Abdul came out with another album with songs like, “Rush, Rush” this year.  It was good, but her best stuff was in the 1980s.

DISHONORABLE MENTION:

Michael Jackson had a comeback album with songs like “Black and White” that are still memorable today, though given the recent Showtime documentary, I think Michael’s days of being remembered in any kind of fond light are over.

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Top Ten Songs of 1990

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Hey 3.5 readers.  BQB here.  I’m going to start a new feature on this fine blog.  We talk about books and movies, mostly movies here, but why not songs?  I’ll be going through the music industry’s past catalogs and if I miss one of your favorites, let me know in the comments.

Let’s start with 1990.

#10 – Nothing Compares to You – Sinead O’Connor 

That voice!  That bald head!  What was up with that bald head anyway?  Maybe she just wanted to be all about the music and not about the hotness and good looks that most singers embrace.  She did rip up a photo of the Pope on SNL but knowing the Pope, he probably forgave her.  He has to.   He’s the Pope, right?

#9 – Vogue – Madonna

All I remember is that it became a running joke that when you wanted to pretend you were a rich celebrity, you’d shout, “Vogue!” and then hold up your hands around your face like you were framing your face.

#8 -Poison – Bell Biv Devoe

Never trust a big butt and a smile, 3.5 readers.  It was good advice then and it’s good advice now.

#7 – U Can’t Touch This – MC Hammer

Who could forget those pants?  I just wish Hammer had remembered to save some of that money.

#6 – Ice Ice Baby – Vanilla Ice

Alright, stop.  Collaborate and listen.  Ice is back with a brand new edition. I think that’s how it goes.  Poor Ice.  He was destined to become a one hit wonder, but at least his hit was very catchy.

#5 – The Humpty Dance – Digital Underground

Oh, Humpty.  With your Groucho glasses and your old timey fur coat, you really tried to make the humorous rap genre take flight.  At least you weren’t a one hit wonder.  You were at least a two hit wonder because All Around the World Same Song was pretty bangin’ too.  And you introduced us to Tupac.

#4  – Mama Said Knock You Out – LL Cool J

To this day, if there’s a better song to work out to, I haven’t heard it.

#3 – Friends in Low Places – Garth Brooks

I don’t what it was about 1990.  The music industry was really kicking it, and country was no exception.  This one really sealed the day for our cowboy in black.

#2 – Cradle of Love – Billy Idol

Alas, rock and roll would die a seemingly final death in the early 2000s, but in the early 1990s, Billy was still rocking with British flair.

#1 – Gonna Make You Sweat – C and C Music Factory

When C and C commands that, “Everybody dance now,” we listen.  Try your best not to.  Even today.

HONORABLE MENTION

Groove is in the Heart – Deee-Lite

Psychadelic stuff.

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A Rap Song in My Honor

I paid to have a rap song rapped in my honor, so every once in awhile I must trot it out for my 3.5 readers.

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A Rap About the $1.08 I Made Selling Books on Amazon

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Aw yeah.  Aw yeah.  Mic check one two one two.

Base check three four three four.

Treble check five six five six.

Sound check seven eight…seven eight…seven eight.  Don’t hate the playa cuz he got a dollar eight.

Slingin’ grape pop rocks on the corner, what oh what do I see?

A fly ass hunny rollin up on me.

“Hey baby, wanna go out on a date?”

“Sure thing ma’am, will you accept a dollar eight?”

Oh raise your hands in the air like you just don’t care if you know what I’m talkin’ about.

One hundred and eight cents can be yours if you have a big ass book sale blow out.

Yeah, some dude in Fiji, put down his Ouija, bought my book with money made from a squeegee.

He used it to wash a car, cuz with a dirty ass windshield it won’t get very far.

So now I got his dollar eight and I’m livin’ the gangsta ass life.

Everyday supermodels are fightin’ over who will get to be my wife.

But don’t try to clip my wings baby, cuz bein’ tied down is a terrible fate.

Me? I’d rather travel the world and pay all my expenses with a dollar eight.

Lovers gonna love and haters gonna hate.  That’s just the way it goes.

But ballers gonna ball and busters gonna bust.  Has anyone seen my hoes?

Dolla, dolla bill ‘yall.  Dolla, dolla bill indeed.

Some dude just rolled up on my ass.  Asked if I wanna buy a dollar eight bag of weed.

“Sir, that’s not the game I play.  So your ass better get to steppin.”

Yeah, the dollar eight lifestyle ain’t easy but it’s a life I’ll always be reppin.

Peace.

P.S. Buy my book, bitch:

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I Am Retiring to Watch Cardi B’s Twerk Video

Dear 3.5 Readers,

We’ve had a good run, haven’t we?  Lo, these many years, I’ve provided free entertainment on this fine blog, and you, my trusty readers have given me not enough clicks to earn a living off this enterprise, but just enough clicks to trick me into thinking crazy thoughts like, “If I just give it one more year…”

Anyway, I have found my purpose in life now.  It was my hope that with enough book sales, I’d be able to move to California and purchase a mansion with a luxurious estate that would serve as my home as well as a free range booty farm, one where women of all races, colors, religions and creeds would be free to come and twerk to their heart’s content without fear of repercussions or reprisal, just as long as they didn’t mind me drooling all over them.

Alas, that dream never panned out and I’m not saying it is the fault of my 3.5 readers but yeah, it kinda is, because, you all could have, at any time, become 3.5 million readers but you didn’t.

I’m in luck, because life has now given me the next best thing.  The City Girls and Cardi B teamed up to create a video called “Twerk” and OMG, so many butts.  So many butts!  And they are just jiggling in the breeze, to and fro, a masterpiece for the eyes, a symphony for the senses.

Do not complain about how this video objectifies women, you unwoke bastard, because this video celebrates women.  They are free to explore their sexuality on a beach, on a yacht, in tiger and zebra body paintings…and I am free to explore my sexuality by fapping away.  Fap, fap, fap.

Yes, if you’ve seen this video then you know it changes the game in big booty rap videos.  Call Guinness, for it is a world’s record for the ultimate number of butts being shaken at once.  Don’t watch if you aren’t an adult, or feint of heart of suffer medical conditions or are pregnant.

Many years ago, Sir Mix-a-Lot started the booty rap video craze with his epic, “Baby Got Back.”  Nicki Minaj upped the game with “Anaconda” and now, Cardi B and the City Girls have basically gone nuclear with their butts, dropping a virtual hydrogen butt bomb with this video.

This means that the booty videos will only get more spectacular and grandiose from here.  I have no doubt that Nicki Minaj saw Cardi’s video and was like, “Call NASA because I need to send a rocket full of 10,000 bitches to twerk on the moon.”

In conclusion, I am checking out of life now.  I am done with all the false promises of existence.  Work hard and get your reward.  BS.  This video is my reward and I will watch it on a continuous loop, over and over and over until the end of time where at some point, thousands of years in the future, archaeologists in the year 5000 will excavate the sands of time away from my home and find my skeleton watching a tiger painted Cardi B shaking her booty.

Thank you, 3.5 readers.  I’d say you were the best readers I’ve ever had, but honestly, I’ve seen better.  I wish you the best of luck in finding another blog proprietor to disappoint.

 

 

 

 

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A Rap About the $1.66 I Made From Selling My Books On Amazon

BQB Editorial Note: I made $1.66 on my Amazon books, which you might scoff at, but do keep in mind that this is the first time I’ve made over a dollar so…it can only go up from here.  Here is a rap about it.

rappa

Aw yeah.  Aw yeah.  Mic check…1…2….1…2…

Lay down the beat, here’s what we gonna do.

I’mma head out on the town, take out my baby boo.

I got a dollar sixty six in my pocket to buy some drinks for me and you.

Oh, wave your hands in the air, if you a true player,

Throwin’ down two thirds of two dollars without havin’ any care.

But just beware of the limelight.

Busters want yo dollar and change and they gonna start a fight.

Blak-kak-kak-kat goes the gun blast!

Down to ground goes my ass.

Blood in my eyes, much to my surprise.

Some fool got my buck and a half, he capped my ass and now am I gonna die?

No, cuz I look to the sun and I know there’s more to do.

Gotta make another buck sixty six for me and a buck sixty six for you.

Gonna party on a yacht full of fat ass bitches.

Use all my dollar sixty sixes to eighty six all the hatas and da snitches.

Cristal flowin’ like a river and the shoties show me love.

Someone upstairs lookin’ out for me, cuz’ this dolla sixty six came from up above.

Uhh.  Yeah.  Uhh.  Yeah.  Dolla sixty six y’all.  Y’all wish you had a dolla sixty six.

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SJW Christmas Carols – Away in a Manger

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Away in a manger, no crib for a bed (because capitalism is the worst because the wealthiest 1 percent use the unwitting 99 percent as their pawns and socialism will totally work if we just give it one more try)…

The little Lord Jesus, laid down his, her, or possible xer’s head.  Whatever.  It’s way too early to box this child into a gender and Jesus will let us know what he, she, or xe is in time.

The stars in the sky, look down where he, she, or xe or any combination thereof because gender is fluid, lay.

The little Lord Jesus asleep on the hay, again, because when are we going to wake up and realize that capitalism is barbaric and only when government seizes control of all business interests will all children of indeterminate gender be allowed to sleep in the proper cribs they deserve.

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Baby, It’s Cold Outside – Super Politically Correct Modern Version

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HER: I really can’t stay.

HIM: That’s cool, you’re free to leave at anytime.  You’re a strong, independent woman in charge of your own agency, capable of making her own decisions and if remaining here is not your wish then I bid you adieu.

HER: I’ve got to go away.

HIM: No problem.  There’s the door.  Right there.  Good evening.  Drive safely.

HER: This evening has been…

HIM: I’m sorry, but I see you’re lingering.  Would you mind signing this memorandum indicating that you remained on the premises even though I distinctly said you were free to leave and I in no way impeded your exit?

HER: …so very nice.

HIM:  Don’t mind me.  I’m just going pull out my phone so I can stream us on Facebook live and, ok, here we are.  Hello, everyone.  Shout out to all my followers.  I just want to show the world that I’m being a total gentleman and I am not keeping this strong, independent woman from leaving.  See?  Right there’s the door.  Nothing is blocking it.  I’m all the way over here.  She’s free to go whenever she chooses.

HER: I ought to say, “No, no, no, sir!”

HIM: You have and I respect that.  Just a reminder you are more than welcome to walk out the front door and I will not interfere in any way.

HER: At least I’m going to say that I tried.

HIM: Yes, and as loudly as possible I am telling all 257 of my Facebook friends that I am trying to make sure that you are aware you are free to vamoose.

HER: My mother will start to worry.

HIM: Hold on, I’m going to get on my landline because I’m one of the last few people ot have one of those and I’m calling your mom and, “Hello Her’s Mother how are you? Him here.  Say, just wanted to clue you in on the situation. Her is fine. Totes fine. She’s here. I’m being totally respectful and I would never keep her here against her will.”

HER: My father will be pacing the floor.

HIM: You know, it dawns on me that maybe you aren’t leaving because you don’t have cab fare.  Now, please don’t take that the wrong way. I understand you are a very powerful, strong, independent woman who earns her own living and doesn’t need a man to pay her way but please, my treat, let me call you an Uber on my account and we’ll have the driver take you home or anywhere you want to go.  By the way, I will also pay a private detective to run a full background check on the driver and I will hire two armed guards to accompany you in case anyone tries to touch you during your ride.

HER: My sister will be suspicious.

HIM: Nope, she’s fine.  Hi, sis!  Thanks for friending me.  See?  Your sister’s A-OK. Hey I’m just going to step outside myself and I don’t even care if there’s 6 feet snowdrifts out here I’m just going to step out here on the front porch and, ah, that’s better! There we go! Now you’re safe in the house, and I’m out here so as to avoid the appearance of impropriety.  No one can say anything unsavory happened if you’re in there and I’m out here.  See that, Facebook? Everything’s totally legit.

HER: My brother will be pacing the floor.

HIM: I’m just going to send my carrier pigeon to your brother with a note in his beak informing him that you’re fine and if he or any of your other family or friends would like to come over and verify that you’re OK, they are welcome to come here and do so.  Away you go, pigeon! In the meantime, I will keep speaking to you through the open door but I will remain outside in these arctic conditions so that you remain safe.

HER: Your welcome has been…

HIM: Oh thank god, it’s a police officer out on patrol! Officer!  Yoo hoo!  Would you be a pal and stand next to me to verify that I am not doing anything to harm this strong, independent female and Her, just an FYI if you feel unsafe I’m sure this officer would be willing to escort you past me just, again, to be on the safe side.  You can never be too careful.

HER: …so nice and warm.

HIM:  Shit!  She won’t leave.  Let me get on the phone again.  Hello?  Ajax Public Relations Firm?  Look, there’s going to be a huge story about me tomorrow and we need to get ahead of it ASAP.  Cancel all your business. I’m putting you on retainer because it is going to be blasted all over the inter webs and I’ll need your full staff ready and waiting to field press inquiries 24/7. I want to tell you right up front I did not lay a hand on this strong, powerful woman and in fact, I streamed our entire evening on Facebook from outside the house while a police officer was present and what?  Well…no, of course I’m not calling her a liar!  I’m not saying that tomorrow, she might believe that something bad might have happened, I’m just saying that I will not be the culprit.  What?  What do you mean that’s as good as calling her a liar?  No, I don’t believe all women lie.  Yes, I believe all women…

HER: So really I’d better scurry.

HIM: Officer, if you’d be so kind as to handcuff me and yes, there we go.  My hands are now restrained behind my back.  Officer, if you wouldn’t mind to use my phone to keep the Facebook stream going.  Wait, let me shout to my neighbors.  NEIGHBORS! COME OUT AND BE MY WITNESSES, PLEASE!

HER: But maybe just a half a drink more.

HIM:  Oh no.  There’s no alcohol here, ma’am.  I’m not implying that you, as a woman, would somehow be prone to abusing alcohol or that women should not feel free to imbibe, I’m just saying I do not keep alcohol in the house so as to prevent a situation where a woman might become inebriated because then she would be in a state where she could be taken advantage of.  You are welcome to get some tap water but please keep your hand over your drink at all times as you never know when someone might slip a mickey into it.

HER: My maiden aunt’s mind is vicious.

HIM: That’s fine.  See? My neighbors came outside so I have over a dozen witnesses on the scene who can testify I did no wrong here.

HER: But maybe just a cigarette more.

HIM: I’m sorry, there’s no smoking allowed here.  By the way, it just dawned on me that maybe you are not leaving because you fear reprisal if you do.  Please rest assured that no harm will come to you, should you decide to leave.  There will be no harm done to you at any time in the future, whatsoever.  I will not say anything bad about your reputation and we don’t work in the same field so I have no power to get you blacklisted or drummed out of your profession and you know what?  I’ll put this in writing.  Let me just write this down.  OK.  Here’s a fully binding legal document indicating you are free to leave and there will be no repercussions for doing so and I will not interfere with your livelihood if you go and hey?  Isn’t one of my neighbors a notary?  Fred, you’re a notary, right?  Cool.  Fred just notarized this.

HER: You’ve really been grand…

HIM: By the way, just now, I wrote that all behind my back.  I trained on how to write while handcuffed just for occasions like these.  Her, it now dawns on me maybe you’re not leaving because you think you want to engage in voluntary sexual congress with me right now but perhaps thirty to forty years in the future you will regret having sex with me and will consider the act a violation of your person.  It just so happens, one of my neighbors is a fortune teller so I’m just going to let her…

MADAME OLGA: By the light of the full moon, I gaze my eyes upon the wonders of my crystal ball and I look forward into the mists of the great beyond.  Oh spirits, tell me if sex that happens today will be appreciated or despised in four decades time.

HIM: You know what?  Cut that, Olga. I’m just going to refuse to participate in any sex at all.  You hear that, everyone?  I refuse sex.  There is absolutely no way to tell if this woman, who has gotten all naked and is lying spread eagle on my bearskin rug, licking her lips and beckoning me to come hither with her finger whilst a bright, flashing neon sign points to her vagina that says, “OPEN FOR BUSINESS!” Yes, to the untrained eye, it looks like this strong, independent woman desires sex but there’s no way to know for sure.  Anyone could have put that sign there.  I’ll just decline.  Fred, draw up a legal memorandum indicating my declination of any and all possible sex acts this evening.

HER: But can’t you see?  Baby it’s cold outside…

HIM: Oh my god!  She’s coming this way!  Quick, officer!  Shoot my dick off!  I beg of you! I don’t want to be declared the next sex pervert du jour on the inter webs tomorrow! Please!  Shoot my dick off!  I beg you!

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Daily Discussion with BQB – Don’t Worry, Be Happy?

Hey 3.5 readers.

Do you think singer Bobby McFerrin was right when he advised the world, “Don’t worry, be happy?”

Sometimes I wonder if it is more appropriate to worry and also be unhappy.

Honestly, if you ain’t got no cash and ain’t got no style, ain’t got no girl to make you smile, then what the hell do you have to be happy about?

Discuss.

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