…where the two dudes get their hands tied together, thus allowing them to have a knife fight to the death because neither is able to run away is by far the most awesome, totally gangster scene in music video history.
Oh my God, 3.5 readers. Oh my God.
Sit all 3.5 of your butts down for this.
So, as you know, back in the day I was one half of the rap duo known as The Funky Hunks. My partner MC Plotz and I were a hit with the late 1990s/early 2000s soccer moms what with our squeaky clean lyrics.
Alas, time moved on and my rhyme spinning days are long behind me, but my lyric writing game is still pretty sweet, so I found a rapper on artist who goes by the handle I_Will_Rap. He’s got mad crazy skills and he’ll rap whatever you want for a reasonable price.
Anyway. Without further ado, I present to you the debut of the new hit single, sure to take the hip hop world by storm and it’s so good that it may even unite East and West Coast rappers together in a new era of peace, love and understanding: Droppin’ Monsters.
DROPPIN’ MONSTERS (A Bookshelf Q. Battle Rap)
Lyrics by: Bookshelf Q. Battler
Beats Dropped and Rhymes Rapped by I_Will_Rap
Yo. 2017. Time to make the green.
Bookshelf Q. Battler droppin monsters like a bad habit.
Let’s do this thing. Time to get paid, ya dig?
You roll up to your crib and there’s a vampire inside.
Call on BQB to do the wooden stake slide.
But oh my god a zombie wants my brains!
Better get BQB to make it rain the pain.
What’s that in my yard? A chupacabra goat sucker?
BQB grab your nine, pop a cap in that mother (bleep).
When it comes to fighting evil, BQB is the best.
Forces of darkness don’t even try it, this is a nerd you do not want to test.
East Randomtown is the dope ass hood where this bespectacled pimp resides.
He’s chillin in his headquarters, the fly ass hunnies won’t be denied.
BQB is a badass monster hunter, you know that is a fact.
So if you’re a demon straight outta hell, he’ll put you on your back.
One day while BQB was writing,
On his blog called bookshelfbattle.com
There was a sound that was oh so frightening
So he said, “what’s going on?”
He ran downstairs to his living room and what oh what did he see?
A fat ass yeti sitting on his couch, eating his food and watching TV.
“I live in your house forever now,” the Yeti said.
“I’m taking over this fabulous place.”
But that idea filled BQB with dread
So he round house kicked the Yeti right in the face.
Yeah, BQB is droppin monsters.
Ghosts and goblins and werewolves too.
That nerd is gonna do a drive by.
On anything that dares to shout, “boo!”
But when BQB’s not dropping a monstrous reprobate,
He’s writing a dope ass story.
He’s gonna save the world from the Mighty Potentate,
And get his ass some glory.
So don’t forget to check bookshelfbattle.com
For news of BQB’s daring do.
And if you are a monster,
BQB is coming for you.
Damn. That was some sweet ass shit.
3.5 readers my ass. Bookshelf Q. Battler should have all the (bleep) readers.
Kurt Cobain. He briefly stepped onto the music scene in the early 1990s, gave us grunge aka alternative rock, the most depressing yet beloved sound of the 90s and then, sadly killed himself. I mean, I don’t want to say it’s not surprising that the King of Depressing Music killed himself but, yeah, I guess that’s what happened.
Kurt would have been fifty today and no, millennials, he would not have been a baby boomer. He’d of been on the older side of Generation X.
Sigh. Generation X. The forgotten generation.
Put on your flannel shirt and rock out, 3.5 readers.
Network News One Transcript #1
(Open on Kurt Manley, stereotypically perfect looking news anchor, complete with square jaw, perfect hair and teeth).
KURT MANLEY: Witnesses on the scene reported that the Pope was heard to say, “That’s the last time I’ll go to Tijuana without a passport and a reach around. Coming up in the next hour, the ayatollah has released a series of photos of himself mooning a paper mache version of the president. Also, there’s a new report out in which seventeen out of twenty scientists claim that one of the breakfast cereals in your pantry might cause you to literally vomit out your entire spleen. We’ll tell you which cereal that is after sports and weather. But first, controversial pop star Countess Cucamonga is kicking off her highly anticipated comeback tour tonight. We take you live to Miami, where our local affiliate…Jesus…local affiliate…is that the best we could do?
(Local affiliate reporter Natalie Brock, an average looking brunette, appears on screen. She’s standing on the floor of a packed concert around, surrounded by screaming fans).
NATALIE BROCK: Good evening Kurt. I’m here at the Sunnyside Arena…
KURT MANLEY: Where’s Dan? Hey, Dan, we couldn’t have done better than a local affiliate reporter for this? Yeah…uh huh…sure but I mean, for Christ’s sake man, look at her tits. They’re A cups at best. Barely a handful. Utterly useless.
(Natalie stares blankly at the camera).
KURT MANLEY: Oh right. Take it away Natalie.
NATALIE BROCK: Kurt, I’m coming to you from the Sunnyside Arena in downtown Miami, where fans have turned out in droves for Countess Cucamonga’s first concert since her arrest and subsequent hospitalization for moki fish huffing addiction. For those unaware, moki fish huffing is the latest celebrity addiction to hit Hollywood. An addict will spend upwards of three hundred thousand dollars to illegally important the rare, virtually extinct Japanese moki fish, spoon model airplane glue into the fish’s hind quarters, and then somehow the combination of the glue and fish pheromones creates a potent high that can be achieved by sniffing the glue filled fish’s anus.
KURT MANLEY: Don’t bore me with information I already know for…um…news reporting purposes and only news reporting purposes, Natalie.
NATALIE BROCK: Sorry Kurt. Now, we’ve gotten word from Countess Cucamonga’s press agent that the Countess plans to debut a new song tonight, one that will showcase her range as a performer. According to the statement we’ve received, the Countess is tired of churning out the same old vulgar, sensationalized songs that capitalize on her ample posterior. Her time in rehab has given her perspective and now she wants to give back and do her part to bring about world peace.
KURT MANLEY: Aw, what the hell. I really love those butt songs. Countess Got Back. Cucamonga Crack. Twerk Dat Booty. Stuff Dem Jeans.
NATALIE BROCK: Indeed, Kurt. In fact, the Countess’ most famous single, Max Out My Extra Strength Stretch Pants, went quadruple platinum, but apparently the Countess has become a more civic minded entertainer now.
KURT MANLEY: Isn’t Countess Cucamonga’s posterior insured for three hundred million dollars?
NATALIE BROCK: There has been talk of that in the tabloids but I don’t believe anyone in the Countess’ entourage has ever given official confirmation. However, it is undeniable that Countess Cucamonga has one of the most infamous derrieres in show business.
(The lights dim. The crowd goes silent).
NATALIE BROCK: That’s our cue, Kurt. Let’s listen in as the Countess starts her new life as a world peace advocate.
(Countess Cucamonga, an insanely beautiful woman, flies over the crowd via wires attached to her body. She wears a pink wig and a sparkly gown. Her butt is enormous. She lands on stage. Smoke clouds burst and then dissipate, allowing her backup dancers to appear. The crowd goes wild. The Countess begins to sing a slow song.)
COUNTESS CUCAMONGA: War…famine…plague….destruction…death. So much can happen to take away our last breath…
(A giant globe depicting all of the continents is lowered behind the Countess. It spins slowly).
COUNTESS CUCAMONGA: Poverty…catastrophe…so much can come between you and me…
(Natalie appears on screen and whispers).
NATALIE BROCK: Looks like she really has turned over a new leaf, Kurt.
KURT MANLEY: Move your stupid head, Natalie. I’m trying to scope out the Countess’ turd cutter.
NATALIE BROCK: Sorry.
KURT MANLEY: Aww, who can see it through that long gown anyway.
(The Countess returns to screen).
COUNTESS CUCAMONGA: I’m here to tell you there’s a way that all this mayhem can cease. There is a road to international peace. The road is here, it is so clear, and the road to world peace runs through…
(The globe explodes, shooting confetti all over the crowd. A giant butt takes the globe’s place. The Countess rips off her dress, leaving her with nothing but a skimpy bikini and highly revealing panties printed with various world countries. Lights flash, the crowd cheers as the song picks up tempo…)
COUNTESS CUCAMONGA: …my butt!
(The Countess points her butt at the audience and twerks up a storm).
COUNTESS CUCAMONGA: Butt peace! It’s what the world needs now. Butt peace! You’ll drop your jaw and say, “Wow!” Butt peace! Drop your guns, stare at these buns. No time for war when your eyes are sore from staring at…
(The Countess slaps her right cheek).
COUNTESS CUCAMONGA: …my butt.
(Natalie Brock appears on screen).
NATALIE BROCK: Well, there you have it, Kurt. I’ve just received word that ‘Hashtag Butt Peace’ is trending on Lifebox and Butt Peace can be purchased through whichever music site you prefer to throw your money away on. There are also seven hundred online petitions demanding that Countess Cucamonga be named an official UN ambassador, thus allowing her to spread her message of butt related peace throughout the world.
(Kurt Manley appears on stage, grooving in his seat).
KURT MANLEY: Aw, yeah. Butt peace, baby! Woo! The Countess has done it again.
(Kurt stops dancing and ruffles through a stack of papers).
KURT MANLEY: That’ll do it for Natalie Brock, our Miami affiliate reporter and card carrying member of the Itty Bitty Titty Committee. Keep your TV locked on Network News One because in the next hour, we’re going to asking Congressman Hutchins why he supports HR4900, better known as the “Turn Every American’s Life into a Big Pile of Shit” Bill. But first, are there traces of rat poison in your toothpaste? Find out after this commercial break.
Dear Video Game Rack Fighter,
Your old ex-boyfriend BQB here. I know our divorce agreement called for me to be shot out of a cannon aimed directly at the sun if I ever post on this fine blog ever again, but it’s Valentine’s Day and I can’t help myself.
These past few weeks spent spooning with Leo McCoy in the Random Motel have really provided me some perspective, namely, that I love you and also that I won’t even pee in the toilet anymore so as to avoid causing a fight due to poor aim. I will just pee outside with Bookshelf Q. Battle Dog from now on.
Anyway, I met Lionel Ritchie at the Random Motel. He was staying there because, well, he doesn’t have much to do lately. He helped me write this love song in your honor. Hope you like it:
Hello…Is It BQB You’re Looking For?
I’ve been alone with you inside my HQ
And when Leo McCoy spoons me, I don’t know what to do.
I sometimes use the Yeti as my throw rug on the floor.
Hello, is it BQB you’re looking for?
I can see it in on the blog
I can see it in the web hits
You want to go back to your video games.
You don’t want none of this.
And I want to tell you so much, I love you.
I long to see you turn on your gaming system.
And watch you kick back with a game of Car Thief Mayhem.
But all I do now is tell Leo McCoy, “No!”
Hello! I don’t want to spoon with him no mo!
Cause I wonder what Bookshelf Q Battle Dog is up to.
Is he being a good dog.Is he watching over you?
Tell me how to win back my blog, it would be a miraculous feat.
But let me start by saying…I’m sorry I peed on the toilet seat.
Is it BQB you’re looking for?
Cause I wonder about my 3.5 readers, and what is on their minds.
Are they still even reading this blog? Are they tired of this grind?
Tell me how to win back my blog, oh that would be a miraculous feet
But let me start by saying I’m sorry I peed on the toilet seat.
P.S. Also I love you and so forth.
Singing animals. A koala bear hustler. A mouse who can channel Sinatra.
BQB here with a review of Sing.
Non-Disney animation studios have always been at a disadvantage. They’ve put out some great, funny films over the years, but rarely do they ever churn out something that could be called a “classic.”
Disney’s got the schmaltzy, heart string tugging formula down and it doesn’t hurt that they have a couple of parks to indoctrinate kids into their universe at a young age either.
I think Illumination, the studio who gave us those pesky minions, have brought us an instant classic with Sing.
Matthew (“Aw right, aw right, aw right”) McConaughey voices producer/down on his luck charlatan Buster Moon, a koala bear desperately trying to save the theater his father helped him build. He thinks an American Idol-esque singing contest will do the trick, but alas, a typo on the advertising flyers courtesy of his incompetent secretary/iguana Miss Crawly lands him in hot water.
Along the way, there are frogs who appropriately sing Van Halen’s Jump, bunnies who pay tribute to Sir Mix-a-Lot, and an alligator who sings the Humpty Dance.
Each character has his/her own reasons for wanting to win the contest and by the end of the film you find yourself rooting for all of them. The kids will enjoy it but you will too.
STATUS: Shelf-worthy. Worth a trip to the theater.
3.5 readers, drop everything you are doing. Seriously, I don’t care if you’re in the middle of brain surgery, either performing it or having it performed on you.
Today, we are, once and for all, going to figure out who Mommy was kissing in the song, “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus.”
The year was 1952. The baby boomers were booming and everyone liked Ike. Sock hops and malt shoppes were frequented by youngsters and every woman’s middle name was “Sue.” Becky Sue. Peggy Sue. Annie Sue. You get the picture.
A young lad by the name of Jimmy Boyd records a song written by Tommie Connor. The song is a hit and an instant Christmas classic. It is unlikely you’ll get through the holiday season without hearing it at least one time.
But forget all that. Is Mommy having an affair with Kris Kringle?
I’ve got to know.
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus
Underneath the mistletoe last night
She didn’t see me creep
Down the stairs to have a peep
She thought that I was tucked up
In my bedroom, fast asleep
Then I saw mommy tickle Santa Claus
Underneath his beard so snowy white
Oh, what a laugh it would have been
If Daddy had only seen
Mommy kissing Santa Claus last night.
#1 – Mommy Kissed the Kid’s Father, Who Was Dressed Like Santa Claus
Once in awhile a father will go the extra mile and don a Santa suit to surprise his stupid little children. So perhaps this kiss was innocent. Perhaps Mommy was kissing Daddy.
Hmm…inconclusive. Maybe it was a fake white beard and Mommy tossed it up to give Daddy the old tickle action. Or then again, one would have to move Santa’s beard in order to tickle his belly. Who knows?
This line is typically cited as evidence that that Daddy was just dressed up like Santa. The songwriter may be trying to give the listener a clue where the listener goes, “Oh OK this was just a stupid kid who saw something he didn’t understand and then basically accused his mother of being a whore under false pretenses.”
Personally, I can buy this, but I would like to know whether the husband was known to work late or be out late and whether or not the couple was having problems.
Were other holiday icons known to frequent the house late at night? Did the kid ever see his mother kissing the Easter Bunny or engage in lesbian kissing with the Tooth Fairy?
The song just doesn’t give me enough info.
#2 – Mommy Cheated on Daddy With Santa
So, the kid is pretty convinced this is Santa. Kids are stupid. I can’t condemn Mommy just on the word of a little kid. Yet, it is noteworthy that the kid does seem pretty sure. Yet, due to his youthfulness, he doesn’t appear to understand the gravity of the situation.
“Oh what a laugh it would have been if Daddy had only seen Mommy kissing Santa Clause last night.”
Ahh. So sad. The words of a little mush brained child who doesn’t understand how the world works. No, Daddy would not have laughed to learn that his wife was unfaithful.
I’d like to know if the kid told Daddy about this. If Daddy laughed then, ok. Daddy’s in on the joke. Daddy dressed up like Santa and he laughs because the kid didn’t realize what was going on.
If Daddy doesn’t laugh upon being told this information, then he’ll surely question Mommy as to who she was kissing.
#3 – Mommy Was Kissing a Random Obese Bearded Man (Or, Mommy Might Be a Biker Bitch)
The kid doesn’t say he saw a red suit or any reindeer. Sure, a long white beard and a fat stomach is Santa’s signature look, but it is also the look of your average, run-of-the mill, unfriendly neighborhood motorcycle gang.
Do we know for sure that while Daddy is out working to support the family, Mommy isn’t making out with random bikers who look like Santa in exchange for her meth fix?
I’m not saying this is happening, but I’d like to know more.
#4 – Mommy and Daddy Were Role Playing
Daddy dressed up as Santa, not to spread holiday cheer, but because Mommy and Daddy are perverts who work costumes into their perversions. Today Daddy dresses up like Santa and asks Mommy to sit on his lap. Tomorrow Mommy dresses up like an Amazon warrior princess and gives Daddy a spanking.
Huh. Now I know why the 1953 sequel, “I Saw Daddy Getting a Spanking From an Amazonian Warrior Princess” was a total flop.
#5 – The Kid’s a Liar
Maybe he’s just a little turd that was naughty so Mommy sent him to bed without supper and so the kid got his revenge by recording a hot track in which he falsely accuses his mother of infidelity.
#6 – Daddy’s a Cuckold
Daddy knows Mommy kisses Santa Claus. Daddy likes to hide in the closet and watch.
#7 – The Kid Dreamed It
Maybe the kid isn’t a liar per se but maybe he has a wild imagination. Maybe he ate too many cookies before bedtime and the sugar rotted his brain.
#8 – Mommy Kissed a Bearded Woman
I’d have to know if the circus was in town at the time to be sure, but Mommy may very well have been kissing a portly bearded woman.
#9 – Daddy Looks Like Santa Claus
Maybe Daddy is also fat and has a white beard. Maybe this is an older couple who had kids late in life or maybe Daddy is like Trump and Mommy is like Melania where you have a couple with a large age difference.
#10 – Mommy is Straight Up Kissing Santa Claus Behind Daddy’s Back
Maybe Mommy’s a shameless floozy. Maybe Daddy is a jerk and has been denying Mommy his affections so Mommy sought comfort elsewhere in the form of an obese, bearded holiday icon. Perhaps Daddy has been giving it to Mrs. Claus on the regular so Santa and Mommy conspired to seek revenge and this is the best they came up with.
All I know is the kid seems pretty sure about what he saw. That’s all I’m saying.
Who was Mommy kissing in the “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” song 3.5 readers?
Discuss in the comments!
What is your favorite Christmas carol 3.5 readers? I have to go with Jingle Bells.
Jingle Bells, the Yeti smells, my blog has laid an egg..
Hey 3.5 readers. BQB here.
Giraffes are such wonderful creatures that I felt an immediate need to do something.
So, I made some calls to some of the music business peeps I met in my Funky Hunks days and to my delight, I am now going to turn this post over to Barry Yellowspots, the only giraffe in the world capable of singing 1970s Barry White style love ballads.
Barry, take it away.
Aww, yeah thank you BQB.
:::Cue 1970s love ballad music:::
Do you readers know what time it is?
ALL FEMALE CHORUS:
What time is it?
It’s time to get freaky!
It’s time to get nasty!
It’s time….for giraffes to fuck!
Start fuckin’ giraffes!
Girl, I see you across the savannah.
It’s like I’m in heaven and you are my manna.
We’re just a couple of spotted sheep-horse creatures.
And everyone knows our long ass necks are our greatest feature.
We’re living proof that Darwin was right!
Because all those short ass little necked giraffes who couldn’t reach the highest leaves on the tree sure as hell ain’t fuckin’ tonight!
Dead giraffes don’t fuck!
Now girl, no means no and if that’s your answer I’ll take it.
But if you’ve sworn a vow of chastity, please, oh please won’t you break it?
We’re the closest thing the world has to a unicorn.
And once we’re gone, the world will surely mourn.
The world will mourn!
So girl, let me turn you on with my manly neck muscle flex.
‘Cuz it’s time for us to have…some hot and sweaty giraffe sex.
Whoa, uh oh Giraffe sex!
You thought we giraffes were all shit out of luck.
But don’t worry world, cuz we’re totally gonna fuck!
Whoa, uh oh, giraffe sex!
Girl, don’t you know this is what the world needs?
The world needs it!
For all of us giraffes to get together and breed!
Now girl, just be cool as I get into position.
For giraffes are endangered and I’m on a reproductive mission.
This ain’t about you or me baby it’s about the world.
And all the baby giraffes we’re about to unfurl.
Whoa, uh oh giraffe sex!
Don’t you know it’s the only way?
A bunch of horny ass giraffes must save the day!
Save the day!
Damn baby, you wouldn’t know it because I got my neck leaned so far backwards it’s in the next county.
But if you could see my face, you’d see me smiling because of all of that sweet lady giraffe booty bounty.
Giraffe booty bounty!
Don’t even worry about giraffe fellatio.
I’d have to climb up onto a damn tree just to make that a go.
Oh and girl, don’t even get me started on giraffe cunnilingus.
That would require an entire football field between us.
So much between us!
Whoah, uh oh, giraffe sex!
Look, I swear this isn’t an elaborate scheme to get all up in that giraffe cooter!
Whoa, uh oh, giraffe sex!
Giraffe extinction is real, just look it up on your giraffe computer!
BQB: Thank you Barry and thank you 3.5 readers for educating yourselves on the need for giraffes to start fucking. If you know a giraffe couple, please, I urge you, encourage them to fuck.
Put on a slow jam. Set the mood lighting. Pour them some wine and then politely tell them that they shouldn’t wait around for “the perfect giraffe” to come along because, hey, there’s a giraffe right there to fuck.
You know me, 3.5 readers. I’m all about charity. I’m against Lightning Infused Toilet Pastry Toilet Death. I’m a proponent of #OscarSoPretty and now, I’m taking on a new cause…giraffe sex!