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Nov 20 2022
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Music

Sam Smith’s Unholy

Sigh. I’m way more into this song than I should be.

First, it has an awesome beat. I have no business dancing, but when I sit down, turn on the laptop and play the song, my foot jiggles in time.

It only came out in October. The past few weeks it entered my brain a little here and there. Hmm. That’s catchy. Where did I hear that before? SNL made fun of it with two wannabe world’s greatest bartenders gyrating to it while acting like they are mixing fabulous drinks but in reality, just dropping the glasses and making huge messes.

Then I started listening to the lyrics. At first I thought like, yeah it’s a fantasy about a husband that sneaks out on his wife and goes to the strip club to get busy with all the strippers. I admit, I was once a young idiot who aspired to one day be a great rich man who could buy the company of many a beautiful woman. Now I am old and have the wisdom to know a) that’s a one way ticket to VD city and b) honestly, no word of a lie, I’d rather just keep the money. Once you grow up, learn the joys of capitalism and how it is possible to invest your money and make more money, thus putting your money to work for you, the appeal of loose women in it for the cash loses its allure. I joke about wanting a trophy wife but just give me a nice woman who can stand being in the same room as me for long periods of time.

But it’s nice to fantasize right? Until I realized the singer is Sam Smith who is super gay and to quote Jerry Seinfeld, I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with that, it’s just far from my cup of tea because I don’t know how women can stand men I’m just thankful that they do so I don’t know why men want to volunteer to be with men. So suddenly it dawns on me that Sam’s idea of “getting hot at the body shop” is far different than how I would picture a husband getting hot at the body shop.

The video confirms it. Sam is singing about a dude who cheats on his wife with other dudes. The big reveal at the end is that the wife he is cheating on is also a dude. Am I allowed to say they are dudes if they truly believe in their hearts that they are ladies? Please forgive me for not knowing. I am old.

It gets confusing because Kim Petras comes in the middle with a whole riff about how she’s willing to hump dudes for cash and designer clothes, so…you know what? It has a good beat. I’m just going to pretend it’s about a straight man getting jiggy at a female strip club. I don’t want to go to any strip clubs to get jiggy but it is fun to think about.

Sam can have his view on what this song is about and I can have mine.

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Aug 14 2020
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Daily Discussion with BQB, Uncategorized

Does Every Rose Have Its Thorn?

Hey 3.5 readers.

That infamous 1980s hair band Poison once said of life, “Every rose has its thorn and every cowboy sings a sad, sad song.”

The point was to everything good there is also some bad. Roses look and smell good but they have little thorns that might prick you.

Cowboys are cool because they ride horses and rope broncos. (I assume Poison was talking about modern day cowboys who just work on ranches and live under the stars and not yesteryear cowboys who robbed stagecoaches and so forth.)

Anyway, cowboys ride horses and do fancy lasso tricks but they also sing sad songs. What are the sad songs about? Probably women they missed out on because they were too busy roping broncos and riding horses and the women didn’t want to live under the stars.

Poison was trying to warn us that every good has its bad, so be careful but also, don’t avoid good because it has bad. Don’t sit around waiting for the badless good because you won’t find it. If you wait for a good without some bad, you will wait your whole life.

What say you, 3.5 readers?

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Mar 18 2019
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Top Ten Songs

Top Ten Songs of 1992

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Hey 3.5 readers.

BQB here.  Still spinning the classics, like these:

#10 – Achy Breaky Heart – Billy Ray Cyrus

Don’t break my heart.  My achy breaky heart.  Who knew that Billy Ray’s daughter would one day go on to become the more famous Cyrus?

#9 – Damn I Wish I Was Your Lover – Sophie B. Hawkins

No woman has ever said this to me.  Thanks for making me dream the impossible dream, Sophie B.  What does that B stand for anyway?  I’m too lazy to look it up.

#8 – I’m Too Sexy – Right Said Fred

If you’re too sexy for something, then you should proudly declare it, like these guys did.

#7 – Jump Around – House of Pain

No house party in the 1990s was complete without this little ditty.

#6 – Rump Shaker – Wreckx-N-Effect

All I want to do is zoom a zoom zoom zoom and a boom boom.  That is literally all I have ever wanted to do.

#5 – Constant Craving – K.D. Lang

She was a lesbian pop culture icon before Ellen.

#4 – Rhythm is a Dancer – SNAP!

Why wouldn’t it be?

#3 – Jump – Kriss Kross

These tykes really knew how to drop a beat.  Jump, like Jump Around, was another party staple.  Everyone just wanted to jump in the 1990s.

#2 – Tears in Heaven – Eric Clapton

A good song but so sad.  I suppose when a song is so sad that it is hard to listen to, it has done its job.

#1 – Baby Got Back – Sir Mix-a-Lot

The song that started the entire butt rap genre.  Thank you, Sir Mix-a-Lot.

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Mar 17 2019
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Top Ten Songs

Top Ten Songs of 1991

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Hey 3.5 readers.

I’m DJ BQB and I’m spinning the greatest hits of 1991, but it will have to be in your mind because this is a blog post.  Better yet, go out and stream some of these hits and transport yourself to the days when Bush the Elder was president.  Wow, so much time has gone by.

#10 – Enter Sandman – Metallica

“Hush little baby, don’t say a word.  And never mind that noise you heard.”

Gotta say, by today’s standards, there’s something creepy about grown ass metal rockers warning a theoretical little kid listener about all the evils that will come for them when they go to sleep but then again, I suppose this song is maybe a metaphor about how bad things happen just when you think life is going your way…I think.  Who knows?

It’s fun to rock out to though.

#9 – Give It Away – Red Hot Chili Peppers 

What you got you gotta give it to your mama, your papa…I don’t know.  Nonsense words, really.  But if there’s a better band of shirtless Californians with long hippy hair, I’ve yet to see it.

#8 – Motownphilly – Boyz II Men

These dudes had skills.  They made that “I’ll Make Love to You” song that serves as a soundtrack for many risque encounters and they did that “End of the Road” song which you need to play when one of your homeboys dies.  So they wrote the soundtrack for death and sex if you think about it.

PS – I’ll be honest they may have had bigger hits than Motownphilly I’m just not sure when they came out so if they had a bigger hit that came out in 1991, my bad.

#7 – Losing My Religion – R.E.M.

I’ve been a humorist my entire life, ever since I popped out of my mother’s snootch with a pair of Groucho glasses on.  Ergo, it’s hard for me to not think of history in terms of jokes what were popular at the time.  Thinking about this song reminds me of that inevitable joke that people busted on it, i.e. you’d make fun of it by just saying “That’s me in some place” like “That’s me in the taco stand…that’s me in the parking lot….that’s me in the grocery store….that’s me in the laundromat.”

#6 – Shiny Happy People – R.E.M.

I’ll give them another one, though Boyz II Men should probably get more spots on this list too.  At any rate, the 1990s were a time of peace and prosperity.  WWII was long over.  The Soviet Union was on the way out.  There weren’t any wars on the horizon.  For a brief, flickering moment it looked like America would be able to come together and enjoy some stability…and act like shiny happy people holding hands…finally.

Think we’ll ever get there again, 3.5 readers?

#5 – O.P.P. – Naughty By Nature

Want to know how woke the world has become since the early 1990s, 3.5 readers?

At the time, the big complaint about this song was that people should never steal someone else’s pussy.

Today, the complaint is the backward notion that a pussy could belong to anyone other than she to whom it is attached.

#4 – Good Vibrations – Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch

I was just a kid at the time but even then had you told me that the guy who sings this song would one day become an Oscar level actor, I would have not believed you.

#3 – Something to Talk About – Bonnie Raitt

TRANSLATION OF THIS SONG – If people are accusing us of humping anyway, then we should just go ahead and hump.

Therefore, by the transitive property, Bonnie Raitt is a fan of humping.  Who isn’t though?

#2 – I Wanna Sex You Up – Color Me Badd

Who doesn’t?

#1 – Smells Like Teen Spirit – Nirvana

The song and/or accompanying album that changed the music world as well as the rock genre.  Rock no longer had to be fun, funky, or even campy.  It could be depressed.

Earlier I mentioned the 1990s were good times.  Unfortunately, it’s just human nature for people to be unhappy when there isn’t conflict.  You had the old people bitching and moaning about how tough they had it and how that strife made them better people, but now old the young people had grown soft.  Yup, we’re soft, so I guess we’ll just rock out to our ennui.

HONORABLE MENTION:

Paula Abdul came out with another album with songs like, “Rush, Rush” this year.  It was good, but her best stuff was in the 1980s.

DISHONORABLE MENTION:

Michael Jackson had a comeback album with songs like “Black and White” that are still memorable today, though given the recent Showtime documentary, I think Michael’s days of being remembered in any kind of fond light are over.

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Mar 17 2019
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Top Ten Songs

Top Ten Songs of 1990

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Hey 3.5 readers.  BQB here.  I’m going to start a new feature on this fine blog.  We talk about books and movies, mostly movies here, but why not songs?  I’ll be going through the music industry’s past catalogs and if I miss one of your favorites, let me know in the comments.

Let’s start with 1990.

#10 – Nothing Compares to You – Sinead O’Connor 

That voice!  That bald head!  What was up with that bald head anyway?  Maybe she just wanted to be all about the music and not about the hotness and good looks that most singers embrace.  She did rip up a photo of the Pope on SNL but knowing the Pope, he probably forgave her.  He has to.   He’s the Pope, right?

#9 – Vogue – Madonna

All I remember is that it became a running joke that when you wanted to pretend you were a rich celebrity, you’d shout, “Vogue!” and then hold up your hands around your face like you were framing your face.

#8 -Poison – Bell Biv Devoe

Never trust a big butt and a smile, 3.5 readers.  It was good advice then and it’s good advice now.

#7 – U Can’t Touch This – MC Hammer

Who could forget those pants?  I just wish Hammer had remembered to save some of that money.

#6 – Ice Ice Baby – Vanilla Ice

Alright, stop.  Collaborate and listen.  Ice is back with a brand new edition. I think that’s how it goes.  Poor Ice.  He was destined to become a one hit wonder, but at least his hit was very catchy.

#5 – The Humpty Dance – Digital Underground

Oh, Humpty.  With your Groucho glasses and your old timey fur coat, you really tried to make the humorous rap genre take flight.  At least you weren’t a one hit wonder.  You were at least a two hit wonder because All Around the World Same Song was pretty bangin’ too.  And you introduced us to Tupac.

#4  – Mama Said Knock You Out – LL Cool J

To this day, if there’s a better song to work out to, I haven’t heard it.

#3 – Friends in Low Places – Garth Brooks

I don’t what it was about 1990.  The music industry was really kicking it, and country was no exception.  This one really sealed the day for our cowboy in black.

#2 – Cradle of Love – Billy Idol

Alas, rock and roll would die a seemingly final death in the early 2000s, but in the early 1990s, Billy was still rocking with British flair.

#1 – Gonna Make You Sweat – C and C Music Factory

When C and C commands that, “Everybody dance now,” we listen.  Try your best not to.  Even today.

HONORABLE MENTION

Groove is in the Heart – Deee-Lite

Psychadelic stuff.

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Mar 15 2019
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Tomfoolery, Uncategorized

A Rap Song in My Honor

I paid to have a rap song rapped in my honor, so every once in awhile I must trot it out for my 3.5 readers.

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Jan 30 2019
2 Comments
BQB's Amazon Earnings Raps

A Rap About the $1.08 I Made Selling Books on Amazon

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Aw yeah.  Aw yeah.  Mic check one two one two.

Base check three four three four.

Treble check five six five six.

Sound check seven eight…seven eight…seven eight.  Don’t hate the playa cuz he got a dollar eight.

Slingin’ grape pop rocks on the corner, what oh what do I see?

A fly ass hunny rollin up on me.

“Hey baby, wanna go out on a date?”

“Sure thing ma’am, will you accept a dollar eight?”

Oh raise your hands in the air like you just don’t care if you know what I’m talkin’ about.

One hundred and eight cents can be yours if you have a big ass book sale blow out.

Yeah, some dude in Fiji, put down his Ouija, bought my book with money made from a squeegee.

He used it to wash a car, cuz with a dirty ass windshield it won’t get very far.

So now I got his dollar eight and I’m livin’ the gangsta ass life.

Everyday supermodels are fightin’ over who will get to be my wife.

But don’t try to clip my wings baby, cuz bein’ tied down is a terrible fate.

Me? I’d rather travel the world and pay all my expenses with a dollar eight.

Lovers gonna love and haters gonna hate.  That’s just the way it goes.

But ballers gonna ball and busters gonna bust.  Has anyone seen my hoes?

Dolla, dolla bill ‘yall.  Dolla, dolla bill indeed.

Some dude just rolled up on my ass.  Asked if I wanna buy a dollar eight bag of weed.

“Sir, that’s not the game I play.  So your ass better get to steppin.”

Yeah, the dollar eight lifestyle ain’t easy but it’s a life I’ll always be reppin.

Peace.

P.S. Buy my book, bitch:

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Jan 23 2019
2 Comments
Daily Discussion with BQB, Uncategorized

I Am Retiring to Watch Cardi B’s Twerk Video

Dear 3.5 Readers,

We’ve had a good run, haven’t we?  Lo, these many years, I’ve provided free entertainment on this fine blog, and you, my trusty readers have given me not enough clicks to earn a living off this enterprise, but just enough clicks to trick me into thinking crazy thoughts like, “If I just give it one more year…”

Anyway, I have found my purpose in life now.  It was my hope that with enough book sales, I’d be able to move to California and purchase a mansion with a luxurious estate that would serve as my home as well as a free range booty farm, one where women of all races, colors, religions and creeds would be free to come and twerk to their heart’s content without fear of repercussions or reprisal, just as long as they didn’t mind me drooling all over them.

Alas, that dream never panned out and I’m not saying it is the fault of my 3.5 readers but yeah, it kinda is, because, you all could have, at any time, become 3.5 million readers but you didn’t.

I’m in luck, because life has now given me the next best thing.  The City Girls and Cardi B teamed up to create a video called “Twerk” and OMG, so many butts.  So many butts!  And they are just jiggling in the breeze, to and fro, a masterpiece for the eyes, a symphony for the senses.

Do not complain about how this video objectifies women, you unwoke bastard, because this video celebrates women.  They are free to explore their sexuality on a beach, on a yacht, in tiger and zebra body paintings…and I am free to explore my sexuality by fapping away.  Fap, fap, fap.

Yes, if you’ve seen this video then you know it changes the game in big booty rap videos.  Call Guinness, for it is a world’s record for the ultimate number of butts being shaken at once.  Don’t watch if you aren’t an adult, or feint of heart of suffer medical conditions or are pregnant.

Many years ago, Sir Mix-a-Lot started the booty rap video craze with his epic, “Baby Got Back.”  Nicki Minaj upped the game with “Anaconda” and now, Cardi B and the City Girls have basically gone nuclear with their butts, dropping a virtual hydrogen butt bomb with this video.

This means that the booty videos will only get more spectacular and grandiose from here.  I have no doubt that Nicki Minaj saw Cardi’s video and was like, “Call NASA because I need to send a rocket full of 10,000 bitches to twerk on the moon.”

In conclusion, I am checking out of life now.  I am done with all the false promises of existence.  Work hard and get your reward.  BS.  This video is my reward and I will watch it on a continuous loop, over and over and over until the end of time where at some point, thousands of years in the future, archaeologists in the year 5000 will excavate the sands of time away from my home and find my skeleton watching a tiger painted Cardi B shaking her booty.

Thank you, 3.5 readers.  I’d say you were the best readers I’ve ever had, but honestly, I’ve seen better.  I wish you the best of luck in finding another blog proprietor to disappoint.

 

 

 

 

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Jan 01 2019
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BQB's Amazon Earnings Raps

A Rap About the $1.66 I Made From Selling My Books On Amazon

BQB Editorial Note: I made $1.66 on my Amazon books, which you might scoff at, but do keep in mind that this is the first time I’ve made over a dollar so…it can only go up from here.  Here is a rap about it.

rappa

Aw yeah.  Aw yeah.  Mic check…1…2….1…2…

Lay down the beat, here’s what we gonna do.

I’mma head out on the town, take out my baby boo.

I got a dollar sixty six in my pocket to buy some drinks for me and you.

Oh, wave your hands in the air, if you a true player,

Throwin’ down two thirds of two dollars without havin’ any care.

But just beware of the limelight.

Busters want yo dollar and change and they gonna start a fight.

Blak-kak-kak-kat goes the gun blast!

Down to ground goes my ass.

Blood in my eyes, much to my surprise.

Some fool got my buck and a half, he capped my ass and now am I gonna die?

No, cuz I look to the sun and I know there’s more to do.

Gotta make another buck sixty six for me and a buck sixty six for you.

Gonna party on a yacht full of fat ass bitches.

Use all my dollar sixty sixes to eighty six all the hatas and da snitches.

Cristal flowin’ like a river and the shoties show me love.

Someone upstairs lookin’ out for me, cuz’ this dolla sixty six came from up above.

Uhh.  Yeah.  Uhh.  Yeah.  Dolla sixty six y’all.  Y’all wish you had a dolla sixty six.

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Dec 14 2018
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Tomfoolery, Uncategorized

SJW Christmas Carols – Away in a Manger

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Away in a manger, no crib for a bed (because capitalism is the worst because the wealthiest 1 percent use the unwitting 99 percent as their pawns and socialism will totally work if we just give it one more try)…

The little Lord Jesus, laid down his, her, or possible xer’s head.  Whatever.  It’s way too early to box this child into a gender and Jesus will let us know what he, she, or xe is in time.

The stars in the sky, look down where he, she, or xe or any combination thereof because gender is fluid, lay.

The little Lord Jesus asleep on the hay, again, because when are we going to wake up and realize that capitalism is barbaric and only when government seizes control of all business interests will all children of indeterminate gender be allowed to sleep in the proper cribs they deserve.

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