By: Uncle Hardass, Grumpy Old Man Correspondent
Hello again, miserable degenerate 3.5 readers. I see none of you have gotten jobs at the salt mines yet. Still wasting away your time on your writing, trying to fill your pages with stories about elves and wizards and hippies while good, decent, hard working folk are out there working for a living.
I’d say you make me sick but by now I’m beyond the point of disappointment with you people. Anyway, you’re in luck. Between Christmas and New Year’s, you’re getting two doses of your old Uncle Hardass one after the other.
I know. You can’t wait to ring in 2016 with some singing, dancing, and your favorite hippy drug music blaring on your radio machines while hard working people are trying to get some sleep because they have to get up and work for a living.
Let’s talk New Year’s, losers. It’s the time to collect your thoughts, look back on the year gone by, reflect on your mistakes…AND MAKE POINTLESS, USELESS PROMISES THAT YOU WON’T REPEAT THE BULLSHIT THAT MADE 2015 A TOTAL BUST WHEN 2016 ROLLS IN!!!
Don’t even bother. On New Year’s Day, 2015, what did you nimrods do? You made a…
RESOLUTION TO LOSE WEIGHT
Jan. 1, 2015 – “I’ll walk three miles a day, eat fruits and vegetables and cut out junk food, fast food, and all manner of garbage food.”
Jan. 5, 2015 – You spent the entire day on your couch in the previous day’s clothes only to muster up enough energy to run to McDonald’s, where you freebased ten Happy Meals, toys included, didn’t you…DIDN’T YOU?!!
RESOLUTION TO GO TO THE GYM EVERYDAY
Jan. 1, 2015 – “I just plopped down a bunch of money on this gym membership! I’ll use it every day!”
Jan. 1, 2015, 5 minutes later – The guy working the desk at the gym thanks you for taking part in the annual “We Know You Don’t Want to Be a Fatty Fatty Boomba Latty Anymore and You Really Mean Business This Year, Hey Look, a Donut!” special. That snarky bastard then quips he’ll see you on Jan. 1, 2017 to buy another membership you won’t use. You prove him right every year. You’re putting the gym owner’s kids through college by giving him a yearly income boost without causing him to incur any equipment repair fees when your fat ass breaks the stair master.
RESOLUTION TO GET OUT OF DEBT
Jan. 1, 2015 – “I will only buy the bare necessities of life, nothing more, nothing less. I’ll keep my expenses low. I won’t go on shopping binges. Material things won’t fix my problems.”
Jan. 3, 2015 – You spent a week’s salary on in-app purchases, buying extra corn to grow on your virtual farm, or food to feed your virtual dog or what have you. Then you went online and bought a limited edition autograph of that kid that played Xander on Buffy the Vampire Slayer because it reminded you of your youth. You followed it up with a golden chalice to drink your Mountain Dew out of, which you justified to yourself with the argument, “I am a special person and I deserve to drink my soda out of a cup fit for royalty and doing so will make me feel better about myself!” It did not, so you gave a thousand dollars to a fake televangelist then bought a copy of Avengers 2 and paused it on a scene involving Black Widow’s ample, leather clad bosom.
RESOLUTION TO FIND TRUE LOVE
Jan. 1, 2015 – “I will open myself up to someone decent, true and pure with honest moral character and good intentions toward me and reject those who don’t treat me with the respect that I deserve.”
Jan. 7, 2015 – You rejected that well adjusted person who is head over heels in love with you because he/she has a tiny mole, or a few early gray hairs, a zit, a foot that’s a sixth of an inch bigger than the other, or some minor issue that you magnified in your pea brain because, “Whoa, look at me, I’m really great and I won’t settle for anything less that an experience that makes me feel like I’m on a rocket to the moon.” Then you sent the sixth unanswered text message of the week to that attractive person who only answers when he/she needs money, which you eagerly dole out in total violation of the previous resolution.
RESOLUTION TO STOP DRINKING/SMOKING
Jan. 1, 2015 – “No more cigarettes! No more alcohol! My body is a temple!”
Jan 2, 2015 – “Right after this last butt and this last Bud…shit, these resolutions technically don’t start till March, right?”
RESOLUTION TO WRITE A NOVEL
Jan. 1, 2015 – “My book will be on Amazon by Christmas, 2015!”
Dec. 31, 2015 – “I spent the year working on a blog for 3.5 readers.” (That was an impression of my incompetent, lousy excuse for a nephew, Bookshelf Q. Battler.)
STOP MAKING IDIOTIC RESOLUTIONS!!!
So listen up, 3.5 dummies. Stop making ridiculous promises to yourselves that you’ll never keep. You know you won’t.
Why do you make resolutions? Because time moves by very fast. You start the year with the best intentions, then life gets in the way, you resort to your old bad habits, you tell yourself, “Tomorrow! I’ll start working on this tomorrow!” and then before you know it the year is over and you’re still the same old asshole you promised you wouldn’t be anymore when the year began.
So you resolve, and resolve and resolve. You lie to yourself. “I’m putting a patch on the open wound of my soul that makes me a) eat, drink and smoke too much b) avoid fulfilling relationships while seeking out harmful ones c) spend your money on nonsense d) generally act like a dumb ass.
3.5 HIPPIES: But Uncle Hardass! Are you telling me I SHOULD just go ahead and eat, smoke, and drink myself into an early grave and spend myself into the poorhouse?
Of course not, you ignorant communist. YOU SHOULD stop engaging in all of the destructive behaviors that have led you to the lowly state you find yourself in right now, most likely curled up in the fetal position on the couch, eating cupcakes and volunteering your time to be one of my idiot nephew’s 3.5 readers.
BUT YOU ALSO SHOULD…identify whatever it is that is causing you to eat, drink, smoke, spend and chase away love and happiness.
What happened to you, lousy 3.5 readers, to bring you to the lowly state you are in?
- Did your parents not give you enough attention when you were a child?
- Did someone hurt your feelings? Were you betrayed and left heartbroken?
- Did you experience some kind of heinous traumatic event?
- Did you once believe in yourself enough to try to do something only to fail miserably, leaving you feeling like having hopes and dreams aren’t worth it?
- Did life not turn out the way you planned it?
Whatever happened, 3.5 readers, here are my two bits of advice:
FIRST – avoid the urge to tell me all about it. Like a bad gas pain, that too will pass. I’m too busy to pretend to give a shit. If you try to tell me, I’ll just grunt and call you a dumb ass.
SECOND – You should find a professional that can help talk you through it, work through your feelings and come to terms with whatever is bothering you as well as develop a strategy to prevent your problems from manifesting themselves into the destructive behaviors that you resolve to stop every year without any progress.
BOTTOMLINE: Whatever the hell your problem is, either fix it, or if you can’t fix it, learn to live with it without engaging in bad behavior. You can resolve all you want, but those resolutions won’t take root until you figure out whats making you do all the bad things you’re resolving against in the first place.
I know you all worship and adore your Uncle Hardass and strive to be the stable, well-adjusted person that he is.
I don’t blame you. But I’m a specimen of perfection that few, if any, can ever live up to.
Instead, stop worrying about other people and worry about you. Be the best you that you can be. Give yourself a hug and forgive yourself for the shambles you’ve put your life into and only then can you work on digging yourself out of the pile of crap you’re stuck in.
That’s enough hippy talk for one column, 3.5 readers. I’m off to watch the ball drop then after that, I hear there’s some big glowing blinky thing in New York City they broadcast video of as it slides down a pole, so I’ll probably watch that too.
Happy New Year’s, 3.5 readers. Resolve to get a job. I can’t carry everyone on my back forever.
Attorney Donnelly notes that Uncle Hardass is not a licensed therapist or professional counselor or psychiatrist/psychologist of any kind, so you shouldn’t rely on anything he just said. If you have problems, do your own research into what the proper course of action is and look into what resources, professionals etc. are available to help you.
But seriously, don’t take advice on a blog with only 3.5 readers. That’s just stupid.