Tag Archives: new year 2016

I’m Doing it My Way, Sort Of – The Alleged Man

And now, the end is near;
And so I face the final curtain.
My friend, I’ll say it clear,
I’ll state my case, of which I’m certain.

I’ve lived a life that’s full.
I’ve traveled each and every highway;
And more, much more than this,
I did it my way.

– Frank Sinatra, My Way

Happy New Year, 3.5 Readers.

shutterstock_174612404

The Alleged Man

The Alleged Man here, but not really. Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain.

There’s a nasty rumor that Bookshelf Q. Battler and all the characters on this blog are just one guy pretending to be a lot of people, but that’s just balderdash if you ask me.

Oh wait, you can’t ask me, because I’m not really here. But for a brief moment, pretend that I am.

Bookshelf Q. Battler and I began as one in the same. It was the handle I went by because I wasn’t ready to say hello in person.

Old BQB and I have a lot in common.  We watch and review the same movies. He comments on the same pop cultural stuff I’m interested in. We are both big time nerds.

But at some point, BQB outgrew me.  Maybe it was when he befriended Alien Jones. Or when he roundhouse kicked the Yeti in the face. Or when he became the caretaker of a magic bookshelf. Or when he died on the toilet after shooting lightning out of his butt and came back to life to go on an adventure. Or when he enlisted the help of a 1950s noir detective. Or when his hometown was overrun by a zombie apocalypse.

Whenever or however it happened, though we still share some unique inner traits, BQB’s life is just way more exciting than mine now.

It’s long been said that Kermit the Frog was Jim Henson’s alter ego. Henson was the smartest guy in the room but lacked the big ego one would need to go around telling everyone. He had a quiet air of confidence about him. He knew exactly what to do and when to do it but didn’t outwardly demand everyone’s respect, rather, they just gave it to him.

Kind of reminds you how the Muppest are always getting into trouble only to run to good old reliable Kermit to bail them out, doesn’t it?

Am I comparing myself to a great like Henson? No. But BQB and I are both nerds who wanted to be writers, did something else instead, and now we’re both trying to become writers again thanks to modern self publishing technology that’s made it possible.

We just differ in terms of motivation:

  • I’d like to succeed at writing so I can stop feeling like I ignored my life’s big dream.
  • BQB wants to succeed at writing to keep the Mighty Potentate from conquering Earth.

Either way, we both have our own personal “Sword of Damocles” to face and somehow, we often find ourselves watching TV and eating cookies when we should be writing.

Yes, like BQB I also:

  • Feel like I’m pretty smart and often called on to help the people around me who don’t appreciate it…kind of like BQB’s relationship with the East Randomtownsfolk.
  • Live in a fantasy world. BQB’s fantasy world is made possibly largely because of a magic bookshelf. Mine is inside my head. I find myself living inside my head often.

And like Alien Jones I..

  • Wonder what technology is coming down the road. Alien Jones has seen most of it already because he’s lived so long and visited so many worlds. I can only dream about it and feel bad about what I’m going to miss out on when it is invented in a hundred years.
  • Feel like I’m smart but still have to answer to the various people in the world who have bigger mouths than I do. (i.e. we all have our own Mighty Potentates)

And like Jake Dashing I…

  • Feel like the world has changed so much that I must have fallen asleep and missed when it happened. Perhaps you never notice it. Perhaps it doesn’t all happen at once. It happens through daily gradual changes but every generation one day “wakes up” to find a much different world.

Sometimes like Uncle Hardass…

  • I complain extensively but no one listens.

And like Dr. Hugo Von Science…

  • I feel like I should be in charge of the world.

And like the Yeti…

  • I get upset and yell incoherently.  I’m all talk about wanting to run the world. I just want to blame other people for my lack of success then sit on the couch and eat cookies just as the Yeti is free to leave BQB HQ at any time but sits on BQB’s couch and watches TV and blames BQB for his shortcomings.

And there are even times when I’m like Video Game Rack Fighter and…

  • Say screw it. It’s time to play Car Thief Mayhem.

But after being all over the place, I always come back to my BQB way of thinking…

  • I’m pretty great, though there’s a long line of people ready to tell myself I’m not and ironically, I’m always at the front of the line.
  • I can beat myself up forever for not being a writer yet or I can take advantage of the great tech out today and keep trying.
  • And if it doesn’t work out, I can at least tell my older self I tried, just as BQB can tell the subjugated citizens of the new Mighty Potentate regime on Earth he tried too.

WHAT’S NEXT?

It was nice to step outside of the curtain for a moment to talk to you for a minute today, 3.5 readers.  I have to return to the shadows now.

You see, I know what it is like to struggle, to be down and out, to give life a hundred and ten percent and only get ten percent back.

Through all sorts of cosmic tomfoolery, I ended up in a tough place and after years of hard work, crawled myself out of it. Where I am now is pretty good.

It’s not great. I wouldn’t consider anything great until I’m a big time successful writer.

But still, it’s good. And as anyone who has struggled will tell you, when you lift yourself up, the struggle doesn’t end.  You just keep your head on a swivel, wondering what you can do next to make sure you never have to go back to the struggle.

You become a self struggler.

And more importantly, though some might say it is silly to worry about, we live in a world where it’s not a good idea to become known as “the guy that believes in aliens and magic bookshelves” until believing in aliens and magic bookshelves becomes profitable, should that time ever come.

So BQB will have to stand in my place and collect the 3.5 readers’ applause.

It’s ok. BQB has earned it.

He did save East Randomtown from a zombie apocalypse, after all.

Page Frank, because it’s time to do it…BQB’s way.

 

 

Tagged , , , , , , ,

Things That Really Frost My Ass -New Year’s Edition

By: Uncle Hardass, Grumpy Old Man Correspondent

cropped-shutterstock_159396938

Uncle Hardass, Noted Complainer of World Renown

Hello again, miserable degenerate 3.5 readers. I see none of you have gotten jobs at the salt mines yet. Still wasting away your time on your writing, trying to fill your pages with stories about elves and wizards and hippies while good, decent, hard working folk are out there working for a living.

I’d say you make me sick but by now I’m beyond the point of disappointment with you people. Anyway, you’re in luck. Between Christmas and New Year’s, you’re getting two doses of your old Uncle Hardass one after the other.

I know. You can’t wait to ring in 2016 with some singing, dancing, and your favorite hippy drug music blaring on your radio machines while hard working people are trying to get some sleep because they have to get up and work for a living.

Let’s talk New Year’s, losers. It’s the time to collect your thoughts, look back on the year gone by, reflect on your mistakes…AND MAKE POINTLESS, USELESS PROMISES THAT YOU WON’T REPEAT THE BULLSHIT THAT MADE 2015 A TOTAL BUST WHEN 2016 ROLLS IN!!!

Don’t even bother. On New Year’s Day, 2015, what did you nimrods do?  You made a…

RESOLUTION TO LOSE WEIGHT 

Jan. 1, 2015 – “I’ll walk three miles a day, eat fruits and vegetables and cut out junk food, fast food, and all manner of garbage food.”

Jan. 5, 2015 – You spent the entire day on your couch in the previous day’s clothes only to muster up enough energy to run to McDonald’s, where you freebased ten Happy Meals, toys included, didn’t you…DIDN’T YOU?!!

RESOLUTION TO GO TO THE GYM EVERYDAY

Jan. 1, 2015 – “I just plopped down a bunch of money on this gym membership!  I’ll use it every day!”

Jan. 1, 2015, 5 minutes later – The guy working the desk at the gym thanks you for taking part in the annual “We Know You Don’t Want to Be a Fatty Fatty Boomba Latty Anymore and You Really Mean Business This Year, Hey Look, a Donut!” special. That snarky bastard then quips he’ll see you on Jan. 1, 2017 to buy another membership you won’t use. You prove him right every year. You’re putting the gym owner’s kids through college by giving him a yearly income boost without causing him to incur any equipment repair fees when your fat ass breaks the stair master.

RESOLUTION TO GET OUT OF DEBT

Jan. 1, 2015 – “I will only buy the bare necessities of life, nothing more, nothing less. I’ll keep my expenses low. I won’t go on shopping binges. Material things won’t fix my problems.”

Jan. 3, 2015 – You spent a week’s salary on in-app purchases, buying extra corn to grow on your virtual farm, or food to feed your virtual dog or what have you. Then you went online and bought a limited edition autograph of that kid that played Xander on Buffy the Vampire Slayer because it reminded you of your youth. You followed it up with a golden chalice to drink your Mountain Dew out of, which you justified to yourself with the argument, “I am a special person and I deserve to drink my soda out of a cup fit for royalty and doing so will make me feel better about myself!” It did not, so you gave a thousand dollars to a fake televangelist then bought a copy of Avengers 2 and paused it on a scene involving Black Widow’s ample, leather clad bosom.

RESOLUTION TO FIND TRUE LOVE

Jan. 1, 2015 – “I will open myself up to someone decent, true and pure with honest moral character and good intentions toward me and reject those who don’t treat me with the respect that I deserve.”

Jan. 7, 2015 – You rejected that well adjusted person who is head over heels in love with you because he/she has a tiny mole, or a few early gray hairs, a zit, a foot that’s a sixth of an inch bigger than the other, or some minor issue that you magnified in your pea brain because, “Whoa, look at me, I’m really great and I won’t settle for anything less that an experience that makes me feel like I’m on a rocket to the moon.” Then you sent the sixth unanswered text message of the week to that attractive person who only answers when he/she needs money, which you eagerly dole out in total violation of the previous resolution.

RESOLUTION TO STOP DRINKING/SMOKING

Jan. 1, 2015 – “No more cigarettes! No more alcohol! My body is a temple!”

Jan 2, 2015 – “Right after this last butt and this last Bud…shit, these resolutions technically don’t start till March, right?”

RESOLUTION TO WRITE A NOVEL

Jan. 1, 2015 – “My book will be on Amazon by Christmas, 2015!”

Dec. 31, 2015 – “I spent the year working on a blog for 3.5 readers.” (That was an impression of my incompetent, lousy excuse for a nephew, Bookshelf Q. Battler.)

STOP MAKING IDIOTIC RESOLUTIONS!!!

So listen up, 3.5 dummies. Stop making ridiculous promises to yourselves that you’ll never keep. You know you won’t.

Why do you make resolutions? Because time moves by very fast. You start the year with the best intentions, then life gets in the way, you resort to your old bad habits, you tell yourself, “Tomorrow! I’ll start working on this tomorrow!” and then before you know it the year is over and you’re still the same old asshole you promised you wouldn’t be anymore when the year began.

So you resolve, and resolve and resolve. You lie to yourself. “I’m putting a patch on the open wound of my soul that makes me a) eat, drink and smoke too much b) avoid fulfilling relationships while seeking out harmful ones c) spend your money on nonsense d) generally act like a dumb ass.

3.5 HIPPIES: But Uncle Hardass! Are you telling me I SHOULD just go ahead and eat, smoke, and drink myself into an early grave and spend myself into the poorhouse?

Of course not, you ignorant communist. YOU SHOULD stop engaging in all of the destructive behaviors that have led you to the lowly state you find yourself in right now, most likely curled up in the fetal position on the couch, eating cupcakes and volunteering your time to be one of my idiot nephew’s 3.5 readers.

BUT YOU ALSO SHOULD…identify whatever it is that is causing you to eat, drink, smoke, spend and chase away love and happiness.

What happened to you, lousy 3.5 readers, to bring you to the lowly state you are in?

  • Did your parents not give you enough attention when you were a child?
  • Did someone hurt your feelings? Were you betrayed and left heartbroken?
  • Did you experience some kind of heinous traumatic event?
  • Did you once believe in yourself enough to try to do something only to fail miserably, leaving you feeling like having hopes and dreams aren’t worth it?
  • Did life not turn out the way you planned it?

Whatever happened, 3.5 readers, here are my two bits of advice:

FIRST – avoid the urge to tell me all about it. Like a bad gas pain, that too will pass. I’m too busy to pretend to give a shit. If you try to tell me, I’ll just grunt and call you a dumb ass.

SECOND – You should find a professional that can help talk you through it, work through your feelings and come to terms with whatever is bothering you as well as develop a strategy to prevent your problems from manifesting themselves into the destructive behaviors that you resolve to stop every year without any progress.

BOTTOMLINE: Whatever the hell your problem is, either fix it, or if you can’t fix it, learn to live with it without engaging in bad behavior. You can resolve all you want, but those resolutions won’t take root until you figure out whats making you do all the bad things you’re resolving against in the first place.

I know you all worship and adore your Uncle Hardass and strive to be the stable, well-adjusted person that he is.

I don’t blame you. But I’m a specimen of perfection that few, if any, can ever live up to.

Instead, stop worrying about other people and worry about you.  Be the best you that you can be. Give yourself a hug and forgive yourself for the shambles you’ve put your life into and only then can you work on digging yourself out of the pile of crap you’re stuck in.

That’s enough hippy talk for one column, 3.5 readers. I’m off to watch the ball drop then after that, I hear there’s some big glowing blinky thing in New York City they broadcast video of as it slides down a pole, so I’ll probably watch that too.

Happy New Year’s, 3.5 readers. Resolve to get a job. I can’t carry everyone on my back forever.

Attorney Donnelly notes that Uncle Hardass is not a licensed therapist or professional counselor or psychiatrist/psychologist of any kind, so you shouldn’t rely on anything he just said. If you have problems, do your own research into what the proper course of action is and look into what resources, professionals etc. are available to help you. 

But seriously, don’t take advice on a blog with only 3.5 readers. That’s just stupid.

Tagged , , , , , , , , ,