Good Day 3.5 Readers.
In the first year of this ridiculous blog, Bookshelf Q. Battler took on the role of a cool, hip online literary lecturer, educating his 2.5 readers (his stats weren’t as high then) about classic novels and poetry in a fun manner.
In year two, he turned the blog into a chronicle of his life as a magic bookshelf caretaker/yeti fighter/human selected by an alien despot to change the world through his writing.
Personally, I found that change to be tres blasé and ever so derivative. If I had a nickel for every blog about a magic bookshelf caretaker/yeti fighter/human selected by an alien despot to change the world through his writing I’d be a fabulously wealthy simian.
Now in year three, BQB has turned his attention yet again to actually writing a novel in an effort to appease the Mighty Potentate. Occasionally, when he is unable to think what his novel characters should do next, he writes top ten lists implying your significant others are all manner of horrible abominations and helps his staff of malcontent columnists spread their ridiculous opinions.
Ironically, BQB has found that his first year posts are the most searchable, most likely by high school or college English students writing papers about the classics.
(And between you, me and the four walls, 3.5 readers, if any of these kids are citing Bookshelf Q. Battler in their papers and getting A’s then I weep for the state of our education system.)
Ahh, but I do drone on, don’t I? This is where I come in.
Have you ever heard of the old saying that if you were to lock a thousand chimpanzees in a room filled with typewriters, one of the chimps would eventually produce a clean, error free copy of Hamlet?
I am that chimp.
It all began as an experiment at the Advanced Science Institute of Science University. BQB, literary lover that he was, was studying under the esteemed Dr. Hugo Von Science (they were still friends in those pre-East Randomtown Zombie Apocalypse days.)
As part of a research project, BQB rounded up a thousand lab chimps, locked us in a room with a thousand typewriters and over the course of a year, my colleagues produced:
- 179,854 pages covered in doody
- One clean, error free copy of a James Patterson novel. Ashley Judd and Morgan Freeman were immediately cast for the movie version.
- One typo laden copy the collective works of Digital Underground. “The Fumpty Fance is Your Fance to Do the Fump.” Oh chimps, you try so hard and yet you fail, for there can only be one Humpty Hump.
And finally, I was the first chimpanzee in the history of the world to prove the assertion true.
I typed a clean, error free copy of William Shakespeare’s Hamlet.
And then I smeared it with my doody.
BQB got an A+ for his project. Dr. Hugo had other plans for me.
Curious about my abilities, the mad scientist performed all manner of tests on my brain.
Dr. Hugo wanted to know if it was possible to educate a chimpanzee.
So he hooked my head up to electrodes and forced me to watch PBS for three weeks straight.
So many documentaries. So many British TV shows. So much Masterpiece Theater.
During a storm, an errant thunderbolt zapped the Science Institute, sending a current to the electrodes, which in turn, shocked me.
This left me with the ability of speech….in a British accent.
I used my newfound skill to plead for my freedom with Dr. Hugo but he would not have it.
Bookshelf Q. Battler proved to be kinder and when the coast was clear, he left my cage door open.
For many years, I traveled the world, experiencing all that I could.
- Climbing Mount Everest. What a waste of time. There’s nothing to see up there.
- Visiting my friends and family in the jungle. Alas, Thomas Wolfe was right when he said you can never go home again. All those chimps wanted to do was laugh and throw their poop. Sure, it’s fun for the first five minutes but after that I’m the only one who wants to talk about the collective works of Lord Byron.
- I was briefly a member of Congress. I had to quit because everyone there was better at poop flinging than I was. (I’m not even joking.)
And finally, by donning a disguise, and holding myself out as a hirsute little person from London, I was able to convince a renowned university to accept me as a student of literature.
There I stayed for many years, immersed in my love of the written word, obtaining a doctorate I used to obtain a position as a professor of the classics at the same aforementioned institution.
Note that I haven’t said which one as I continue to hold this position and I don’t wish to be outed as a chimpanzee. I think I’m safe though as only 3.5 individuals read this blog.
Long story short, BQB would like to continue to put his stat counter on the rise by increasing this blog’s search ability amongst students in their late teens to early twenties who stayed up all night smoking refer and playing video games and need to whip up a last minute paper about Longfellow in order to do their parents proud by pulling down a C-.
Under my alternative name, I have written articles in the world’s premiere academic journals. Thus, I loathe the idea of having my work appear in a poorly studied blog.
Yet, I do owe BQB a favor for helping me escape.
Naturally, I won’t use my nom de plume so I will use the name I was given back when I was but a lowly lab chimp.
Horatio J. Nannerpants.
Yes. Based on the filthy stereotype that chimpanzees love…excuse me I have to finish this banana.
Oh…oh yes! Oh sweet, sweet curved yellow potassium stick! You are better that hot sweaty chimpanzee sex!
Pardon me. Where was I?
Oh yes. Class in now in session, aspiring literary scholars.
And by the way.
That’s Professor Nannerpants to you.