Tag Archives: science

Top Ten Ways You Can Become a Mad Scientist Just Like Dr. Hugo Von Science

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Hello 3.5 readers.  BQB here

Have you ever wondered how you can become a mad scientist, just like my former mentor/current frenemy, the illustrious Dr. Hugo Von Scientist?

Of course you have.  Therefore, from BQB HQ in Fabulous East Randomtown, it’s the Top Ten Ways You Can Become a Mad Scientist, Just Like Doctor Hugo Von Science:

#10 – Laugh Maniacally Over Everything…

…especially when the world gives you the slightest advantage.  Drive-thru gave you an extra large fry instead of the small you ordered at no additional cost?

That’s not just a win.  That’s a reason to laugh maniacally.  “Yes, with the energy these extra fried potatoes, I shall conquer the world!  Muah ha ha ha!”

#9 – Always Monologue

It’s not just enough to laugh maniacally.  You must also spell out the advantage you received that made you laugh in a maniacal manner.  See above where you explain why getting extra fries helps you.

#8 – Always Have a Plan for World Domination

Mad scientists often begin as regular scientists who feel their genius is unappreciated.  After years of study, they tend to receive years of neglect with no one giving them so much as a pat on the back for a job well done when it comes to their science-ing.  Thus, they become jaded and turn their science skills toward evil instead of good.

In fact, hug a scientist today.  You never know.  You might just stave of a plot for global domination by doing so.

#7 – Have a Lair

Could be your basement, an abandoned warehouse, any rusty old claptrap will do.

#6 – Have Many Bubbling Potions

It’s not really a good idea to leave poisonous chemicals lying around, but you should at least give the appearance to the world that you don’t give an F.  Maybe just fill up some beakers full of Mountain Dew and Diet Shasta Orange.

You know what?  Skip this part.  Don’t do it.  Don’t mess with chemicals or even pretend to.  My lawyer says I can’t afford that kind of hassle.

#5 – Be German

The best mad scientists are always German.  Stereotype?  Maybe.  Leftover fear of Nazi experiments gone awry?  Surely.  All I know is that if you are German or can fake a good German accent, you will move up to the very tip top of the mad scientist game.

Deny all you want but you’ve never heard of a famous mad scientist who sounded like he was from North Dakota, have you?  “Ohh yah, I’m gonna take over the world, don’t you know?”

Nope.  Never happens.

#4 – Have Crazy Hair

Dr. Hugo does not have crazy hair but you should.  The crazier the better.  Your hair should always look like it was destroyed by your latest experiment.

#3 – Have a Pet Sidekick

Really, a mad scientist is not complete without a chimpanzee nearby waiting to hand him all the instruments of destruction he needs.

#2 –  Never Be Seen Without Your Lab Coat On

Can you think of a good mad scientist who didn’t wear a white lab coat?

#1 – Do Crazy Science Shit

This goes without saying.  Obviously, for legal reasons, I can’t advise you to use science for the purposes of global domination but…you know, it’s pretty much what mad scientists do so…you know what?  Forget this.  Don’t break the law.  Don’t be a mad scientist.  Be a nice, sane scientist.  Use science to help people.  Don’t be like Dr. Hugo Von Science.  He sucks.

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Toilet Gator – Chapter 86

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The gang assembled in a study room at the Sitwell Community College library. Professor Elliot Lambert launched into an impromptu class on toilet dwelling animals.

“You see,” Professor Lambert said. “The average speed for an alligator is approximately ten miles per hour. However, the alligator we are dealing with is not average whatsoever. Given his length and muscle mass, I’m willing to wager our reptilian friend can move at speeds upwards of seventy miles per hour if he really pushes himself.”

“Hell,” Rusty said. “I’m surprised he didn’t get me then. I don’t run that fast.”

“An athletic human running at a vigorous pace can reach twenty miles per hour,” Professor Lambert said. “But tell me, was the alligator doing anything else while he was pursuing you?”

“He stopped to snap his jaws at us,” Rusty said. “And roar. He roared a lot.”

“Well there you go,” the professor said. “Multi-tasking slows this beastie down.”

The Professor drew a rough outline of the state of Florida on a whiteboard. “Remind me, Agent Walker. The first murder where Countess Cucamonga took her final curtain call, so to speak, that happened at what time?”

“Witnesses put it a little after 9 p.m.,” Sharon replied.

Professor Lambert put a dot right around where Miami would be. “And the death of Herbert Hogan?”

“Around 10 p.m.,” Sharon said.

The Professor put a dot on Boca Raton. “And when did Mr. Becker leave us so soon?”

“After 11 p.m.,” Sharon said.

The Professor connected the dots. “All and all, a one hundred and thirty mile trek, completed in three hours.”

“Doesn’t sound so impossible,” Rusty said.

“Not if you have a lead foot,” Sharon said. “And if you’re lucky enough to not encounter any traffic, which never happens in the greater Miami area on a Friday night.”

“And if you don’t have to stop at three separate locations, sneak through security, murder three separate people and then leave undetected,” Cole added.

“A human never could have done this,” Sharon said. “We’ve had our heads up our asses the entire time.”

Professor Lambert said. “Do not be too hard on yourself, Agent Walker. When it comes to the unknown dangers of the animal world, humans have had their heads up their asses for quite some time now.”

“Gordon had theorized that a cult might have been at work,” Sharon said. “Multiple people committing murders in different locations within the same timeframe.”

Rusty stared dreamily off into space. “So much wisdom behind that man’s kind eyes.”

“What?” Rusty asked.

“Nothing,” Rusty answered.

“My new friends,” Professor Lambert said. “I know this comes as quite a surprise, but I have literally spent my entire life studying the impact of aquatic animals who commit toilet murder.”

“That doesn’t surprise me at all,” Rusty said.

“You actually kind of look like the type of guy who would be obsessed with toilet animals,” Cole said. “No offense.”

“I stopped taking offense years ago,” Professor Lambert said. “When I realized my research was too important for the future of the human race to ignore. Sure, I could have gotten into a more reasonable line of work but you know what? They scoffed at Columbus until he proved the world was round and I have resigned myself to the sad fact that people will make light of my labors until they realize the cold, hard truth that when they sit their butts down on toilets…their butts are not alone.”

“That video should give you all the vindication you need,” Rusty said. “Say, why didn’t you tell me about all this the day we met?”

“Would you have believed me then?” Professor Lambert asked.

“Nope,” Rusty said. “And no one believed me until the video.”

“Such is the life of a believer in toilet animal related phenomenon,” Professor Lambert said. “Humans are so close-minded that they rarely believe anything that they can’t see with their very eyes. And don’t think for a second that murderous toilet animals don’t take advantage of this lack of faith.”

Maude lit up a smoke.

“Oh, there’s no smoking in here,” Professor Lambert said.

Maude blew smoke in the Professor’s general direction. “And yet, here I am.”

“Well,” the Professor said as he pulled a joint out of his pocket. “If it’s that kind of party.”

The scholar lit up, then caught a glance of Cole’s disapproving eyes. He grew frightened, like he’d just made a big mistake.

“It’s fine,” Cole said. “I’ve been fired.”

The Professor turned to Rusty.

“I quit the force.”

Finally, the Professor turned to Sharon.

“I have bigger problems.”

Convinced no one was about to arrest him, the Professor noted to the group that his habit was strictly medicinal, then took a question from Maude – “How does someone start studying toilet animals? You go bananas or something?”

“A fine question,” Professor Lambert said. “When I was a young boy, my parents were missionaries in South America, working to bring the first sewer system to a very impoverished region. When the project was completed, I was given the honor of taking the first shit.”

“Academy eat your heart out,” Maude said.

“All was going well until I felt the slightest pinch on my bottom…”

“Catholic priest?” Rusty asked.

“A sandwich restaurant chain representative?” Maude added.

“Neither,” Professor Lambert said. “I jumped off the bowl to find a rather menacing looking snake had crawled up through the pipe and attached itself to my bottom. I passed out immediately, as the snake’s venom was highly poisonous. Luckily, a brave fellow sucked all of the poison out of my backside in time.”

“Catholic priest?” Rusty asked.

“A sandwich restaurant chain representative?” Maude added.

“Guys,” Sharon said sternly. “This isn’t a joking matter.”

“Agreed,” Cole said.

Maude threw up her hands. “Well excuse me all over the place!”

The old lady looked at the Professor. “Don’t they teach people how to puff, puff pass at this school?”

The Professor nodded and handed his joint to Maude. She stubbed her cigarette out on the old oak table, completely uncaring about the likelihood that some poor janitor would be called upon to buff out the mark. She then proceeded to suckle the doobie and suckle it good.

“Does she know that smoking isn’t good for a person on oxygen?” Sharon asked Cole.

“She doesn’t give a shit,” Cole said.

“I do not,” Maude said. “And I’m right here.”

“Anyway,” the Professor said. “At that moment, I realized how vulnerable humans are while they sitting on the toilet. Humans have come to assume that their bathroom time is one of the safest times of day. They’re in an enclosed space, they think they are all by themselves but oh no, at any given time, there may be hundreds if not thousands of sewer dwelling animals in their general vicinity, any one of which might crawl up and give an unsuspecting human a nasty surprise indeed.”

“But Professor,” Sharon said. “This is where I’m stuck. How does a great big alligator squeeze its way up through the small pipe that connects a toilet to a sewer?”

“Bone displacement,” the Professor said.

“Excuse me?” Sharon asked.

“Take the average bat,” Professor Lambert said. “It can literally dislocate its bones and smush its body together until it can fit through the tiniest crack in a homeowner’s abode.”

Moses piped up for the first time in this meeting. “That happened to me when I was a young boy once. I’d like to tell you that I reacted bravely but in fact, I hid under my bed until my father caught it and threw it out the front door. For the rest of my childhood, I was convinced he might have contracted vampirism and frankly, I’m still not entirely convinced he didn’t.”

“Your father died five years ago,” Cole said.

“Did he?” Cole asked. “Or did the CIA…”

Cole threw made a stop motion and pointed it at Moses before turning to Professor Lambert. “Continue.”

“Like humans, not every animal within a given species is the same,” Professor Lambert said. “Most fear pain. Most fear death. But some, they are willing to overlook these negative outcomes in order to push their bodies to the limit if it will get them closer to something they desire. Dislocating your bones to the point where you are able to squeeze yourself up a pipe like some kind of backed up ooze has got to be incredibly painful, but they’re willing to do it if will lead them closer to a butt sitting on a toilet they wish to consume.”

“Do all animals have the power to displace their bones?” Sharon asked.

“Not as such, no,” the Professor said. “At this time, I estimate that a small minority of animals have this ability. However, according to Darwinian Theory, these animals may continue to procreate until they dominate the Earth.”

Rusty shuddered. “A world full of killer toilet animals.”

Maude laughed as she puffed on her ganja. “Bullshit! This is so farfetched that if I ever read it in a self-published e-book, I’d give it a one star review and a pithy, passive-aggressive comment.”

“You shouldn’t do things like that, Madame,” Professor Lambert said. “Self-published e-book writers are the backbone of today’s book industry and they should be treated as such. I’m sorry to digress, but I spent so many time self-publishing my toilet animal studies that I feel the pain of any self-published e-book writer.”

“I’d demand my money back too,” Maude said. “Bone displacing toilet animals. Bitch, please!”

Rusty held out his hand. “Yo, Maude! What happened to puff, puff, pass?”

Maude flipped Rusty the bird. “Get your own supply, Narc!”

“Can we steer this conversation back on topic?” Cole asked.

“Yes,” Professor Lambert said. “Many individual animals will often display traits that help them stand out above and beyond their peers. Mr. Yates, you, for example, told me earlier that it seemed as though the alligator in question was communicating with this Buford fellow, that two were locked in a squabble.”

“Sounded that way to me,” Rusty said.

“Sometimes animals will stand out above their peers when it comes to intelligence,” Professor Lambert. “When these animals breed, they added smarter versions of themselves to their species gene pool. The collective IQ of a species grows smarter as a result.”

“Until the entire world is run by damn dirty gators?” Rusty asked.

“It’s not an impossibility,” the Professor said.

“Shit,” Rusty said. “I don’t want to be a slave in a world run by damn dirty gators.”

“Meh,” Maude said. “I still smell bullshit.”

Rusty waved the air away from his face. “I think that’s the dank bud.”

“It’s Mississippi Mud Bud, actually,” Professor Lambert said. “And Madame, I assure you, this is not bullshit. My many years of research have taken me all over the world, where I have encountered toilet piranha, toilet walruses, toilet dolphins…”

“Yeah, yeah, I remember your rant,” Maude said. “Toilet sharks, toilet whales…”

“A toilet whale?!” Sharon asked.

“A killer toilet whale,” Professor Lambert said. “In India. I believe that was the case though I never proved it. I have, however, documented the activities of many toilet animals the world over. My self-published studies are filled with photos of toilet animals engaging in toilet related activities. And, I’m proud to say, they’re often rated with a gentleman’s three star review.”

Maude jerked her hand up and down, pretending to jerk off rather than listen to the professor.

“You scoff, Madame,” the Professor said. “But I’ll have you know that alligators are the masters of toilet murder. They, above all other aquatic creatures, have utilized sewer systems all over the world to take down their enemies though I must admit, I have never encountered a toilet gator as intelligent, organized and vindictive as the one you are all describing.”

“Professor,” Sharon said. “You’ve explained how a toilet gator can sneak through a pipe, but how does it become big again so that it can…”

“Eat the victim?” the Professor asked. “Simple. It reconstitutes itself within the small space, grows too large for its surroundings and bursts out of it, just in time to catch the unsuspecting toilet user in its jaws. A pity really. The toilet user never truly grasps what is going on until it’s too late.”

“Then it shrinks and escapes down the pipe, the same way it came?” Cole asked.

“Precisely,” Professor Lambert said.

“Leaving police none the wiser,” Cole said.

“I can tell you I have spoken with authorities all over the world who were left baffled by this phenomenon,” the Professor said. “Many as skeptical as Miss Fuller here, if not more so.”

“You got any more of this?” Maude asked as she held up the joint.

“Not for free,” Professor Lambert said.

“Bah,” Maude said. “Lousy cheapskate.”

“This is literally the perfect crime,” Sharon said.

“Indeed,” Professor Lambert said.

“Professor,” Sharon said. “I have to say, the way the academic world has treated you is a shame. I mean, here you are, conducting pioneering research in an incomprehensible yet apparently very real field and yet here you are, stuck lecturing at a community college when you should be teaching at Princeton or Yale or…”
“Oh,” Professor Lambert said with a chuckle. “You think I was tossed to the bottom of academia for researching toilet animals?”

“You weren’t?” Sharon asked.

“Of course not,” Professor Lambert said. “All of my research into the world of toilet animals was sponsored by several big name universities. Institutions of higher learning are often willing to jack up tuitions in order to fund all sorts of silly, navel gazing research. Why, I have a colleague who was given full funding to study the mating habits of East Peruvian tree mold spores.”

“Tree mold spores have mating habits?” Rusty asked.

“My good man,” Professor Lambert said. “Put a few tree mold spores under a microscope, dim the lights, play a little 1970s disco music and you’ll swear you’re staring at a scene straight of Studio 64.”

“Sorry I asked,” Rusty said.

“They why are you teaching here of all places?” Sharon asked.

“Justin Bieber,” Professor Lambert said.

“Justin Bieber?” Sharon asked.

“Indeed,” Professor Lambert said. “I am a big Belieber. I know, it’s odd, a man of my intellect and age, to be a fan of such a frivolous young man but what can I say? The lad can carry a beat.”

“He sure can,” Rusty said before he caught himself. “So I’ve heard.”

“In the early days of Lifebox, I wrote a post about how I quite enjoyed Justin’s Beauty and a Beat video,” Professor Lambert said. “The elegance, the choreography, the pageantry, all made to look like it was spontaneous footage of a pool party. Oh how I loved it and watched it over and over. Alas, I didn’t quite understand the far reach and permanent nature of social media at the time and became an instant laughing stock. Only this and one other college would have me after that.”

“Which one?” Sharon asked.

“Arizona State,” Professor Lambert said.

Sharon shuddered. “Yeesh. You picked right.”

The door to the study room swung open. Natalie Brock and Walter walked into the room. “Professor Lambert, they said at the front desk that I could…”

Natalie looked around the room. “Oh, hello everyone.”

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Daily Discussion with BQB – The Government Doesn’t Have a Space Alien in Captivity

Hey 3.5 readers.

So this post isn’t meant to be a referendum on Trump.  Complain about politics on your own time.

This is a post about aliens, or more specifically, whether or not that US government has one in captivity.

I always figured that if the government does have an alien, they’d probably show it to the president right away.  A new presidents first days are, I can only assume, filled with all sorts of lackies, henchmen, bureaucrats, operatives etc. coming up the the president and being all like, “OK sir, there are few people in the world who know this and we are now going to tell you and it is going to blow your mind.”

So anyway, if we do have an alien, I don’t think Trump would be able to hold back on that one.  He’d totally get on Twitter and be all like, “Just met Meepzorp and boy is that guy’s head yuge!  He’s a really classy extraterrestrial, let me tell you.  All of my intergalactic beings are fantastic.  Hillary didn’t even get to meet Meepzorp.  #sad.”

That’s my theory and I’m sticking to it.  As a nerd, I never knew if we had an alien or not, but if we did, it would not surprise me, but now I don’t think we do because Trump would have posted a photo of himself with the alien by now.

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Red Hot Knife vs. Stuff

Hey 3.5 readers.

Came across this video that captivated me.

So this Youtuber, Mr. Gear, took a knife, blasted it with three blowtorches until it became red hot, then used it to cut through stuff.

He cuts through a bar of soap, a block of cheese, a ping pong ball, a bottle of Coke and more.

I’m a little surprised the Post-It Notes seemed to give him the most trouble.  They burned easily but they didn’t cut easily.

As for the Coke, I’m surprised the bottle didn’t explode and cover him with red hot sugary Coca-Cola napalm.

Anyway, please, please, please don’t try this at home. I’m serious.  Don’t try this at home. I guarantee you will injure yourself or others.  Do not try any of this at home.

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#31ZombieAuthors Rewind – Day 29 – Zombie Dinosaurs!

With Your Host: Schecky Blargfeld, Zombie Comedian

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Roar, 3.5 readers.

Roar indeed.

Dinsoaurs.  Zombies? DINOSAUR ZOMBIES!

That’s right. Last year BQB interviewed Rick Chesler and David Sakmyster, co-auhtors of Jurassic Dead, the totally badass book series that combines prehistoric lizards and the undead.

BQB was blown away by this awesome concept and one year later, he maintains it is a travesty of justice that this book has not been made into a movie yet.

“Who the hell greenlit all that Zach Galifinakis horse manure when there’s a perfectly good book series about zombasaurs aching to be made?” BQB was heard to say.

Check out BQB’s interview with the dino-tastic duo here.

And don’t forget to check out Jurassic Dead, now available on Amazon.

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Is Flossing Good For You?

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3.5 readers, I’d like to share an important detail about myself with you:

I’m a flosser.

Oh how I love to floss.

I don’t use the regular string floss. I use those floss picks – the plastic ones with the floss strung between two ends.

Love ’em.

My teeth never feel clean without them and oh my God, the things I have pulled out of my teeth over the years that I never even knew where there:

THINGS I HAVE PULLED OUT OF MY TEETH WITH FLOSS THAT I OTHERWISE WOULD HAVE NEVER KNOWN WHERE THERE:

  • Plaque
  • Germs
  • Food particles
  • Pieces of steak.
  • Pieces of corn (popcorn and regular).
  • Pieces of chicken.
  • Never broccoli. F that.
  • Whole chicken nuggets.
  • An entire pizza…still in the box.
  • The dog I had before Bookshelf Q. Battledog.  Turns out he never ran away. He had crawled into my mouth when I was sleeping and died.  And here all this time when people asked me, “Sheesh, what crawled in your mouth and died?” I always thought they were being more rude that accurate.
  • Jimmy Hoffa’s body. How the mob traveled through time to lodge him under my bicuspid I’ll never know.
  • Pirate treasure, me buckos.
  • The Lost City of Atlantis.

In all seriousness, for me, there is something that is both gross and satisfying when I dig that floss in between my teeth and pull out a hunk of something that would have remained there all day had I not flossed.

And mind you, these hunks of whatever remain after brushing, after using mouth wash…they’re just dug in there and only floss can get them out.  If they remain, they linger, the bacteria eats away at your teeth and gums.  Ugh.  Ugh!!!

So, it bothers me to read this study that’s been floating around claiming that flossing has no benefits.

Here’s a New York Times article about it if you want the details.

My take on it is that they aren’t saying flossing is bad for you. They’re just saying it doesn’t do anything for you.

Balderdash, I say.

Look, I’m not a dentist but I made a pact with myself long ago to never allow lack of qualification and/or credentials stop me on opining on a subject I have never studied in-depth before.

So, no, I am not a dentist, but it seems to me that if brushing and mouth washing doesn’t remove certain particles, and flossing can (and boy howdy, have I yanked some doozies out  from between my teeth over the years) – I have to assume that ridding your teeth of those particles has got to be beneficial to your oral health.

You know folks, years ago I never flossed.  Like noted presidential candidate Donald Trump, I too have enormous hands and therefore, it has always been hard for me to get my fingers in my mouth with the floss.

And so, my dentist read me the riot act.  Told me I was going down a bad path with my teeth.

So I brushed more. And used mouthwash more. And I got the floss picks and flossed regularly.

And boom. My mouth health improved.

So…I don’t know.  You do what you want 3.5 readers but me?

I’m a flosser.

Holy Crap. I should start a blog completely devoted to pictures of crap I pull out of my teeth.

Not gonna lie. It would get more readers than this blog.

What say you,

 

 

 

 

 

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BQB’s Favorite YouTubers – What’s Inside? – What’s Inside a Wasp Nest?

So the premise is pretty simple.

This guy and his young son cut things open to see what’s inside.

Seems like a fun father/son hobby/bonding activity.

They tape it and then put it on YouTube.

They started last year and already have a million subscribers.

Hmm…kinda makes me wonder if there isn’t a market for wholesomeness in the indie world.

Makes me want to go back and erase every swear from my humble blog.

Nah. Too time consuming.

So anyway, the What’s Inside Dad bought a giant wasp nest…on eBay!

I had to pause for a second to wonder who is dumber, the guy selling wasp nests on eBay or the guy buying them?

I’m going to have to go with the guy who buys them.  I mean, I guess this guy at least got a highly viewed video out of it, but otherwise, if you’re just a random jerk face who bought a wasp nest because you just thought it would be fun to have one then I guess that gu’y selling wasp nests online deserves your money.

I was a little surprised they cut it open inside the house. Even though it was apparently dead (though what a dead vs a live wasp nest looks like is beyond me) I wouldn’t want to take the chance that a million wasps would fly out and then I’m dealing with a wasp infestation forever.

Dad cuts it open. The papery sound, the intricate holes, the eggs and dead wasps still inside, it’s all incredibly gross (so keep that in mind if you get sick easily) but once you get past it I suppose the science of it all and the ability of wasps to do stuff like this is interesting.

So there you go, 3.5 readers.  Just find your niche and you don’t even need act dumb on camera.

Hell you don’t even need to tell everyone you’re a magic bookshelf caretaking yeti fighter.

I mean, I do because I am one but you don’t.

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You Can’t Argue With Science – Zika Virus Might Be Spread Via Oral Sex

BQB EDITORIAL NOTE: Seeing as how his mind contains a wealth of scientific information that can be shared with my 3.5 readers, I have decided to let bygones be bygones and reinstate Dr. Hugo Von Science as a Bookshelf Battle columnist.

I’m nothing if not a turner of the other cheek.

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Dr. Hugo Returns!

Guten tag, Herr 3.5 Readers!

Dr. Hugo Von Science here, finally out of zie dog house with mein old student Bookshelf Q. Battler and ready to educate you once again with mein column, You Can’t Argue With Science!

You really can’t, can you 3.5 readers? A meteor will always have the upper hand no matter what you do.

Perhaps you might remember me from one of mein many fantastic inventions:

  • The Taco-fier – Save the world by turning trash into tacos.  Yummy and delicious tacos? Nein. It just makes taco shells filled with trash. However, I’m confident that I will be able to turn used syringes and condoms into delicious taco meat by 2035. So many cows will be saved.
  • Hat in a Can – Did you forget your hat today? Just spray one on your stupid head. Mold it to whatever kind of hat you want. Spray yourself a derby, a bowler, or a fedora. The government demands I notify you that spray on hats have caused 999 out of 1,000 lab rats to die horrible deaths involving intense seizures and bowel eruptions but please. You’re a human. You’re much stronger than a stupid mouse.
  • Ninja Socks – Put them on your feet and you will be able to perform death defying ninja like kicks! However, you’ll inevitably lose one in the washing machine and then if you only wear one of them you will only be able to kick like a Rockette, which, though impressive, is not as awesome as kicking like a ninja. Don’t split up your ninja socks. They work best as a set.

Undt last but not least…

  • Das Sun Blocker 3000 – Ha ha.  Ha ha….Muah ha ha! Turn over the world’s riches to me or else mein latest invention will block out the sun for 3,000 years! The world will turn into a frozen wasteland and no one will ever wear a swimsuit ever again! (Let’s be honest many of you shouldn’t have been wearing one to begin with and…woopsie! I wasn’t supposed to mention this doohickey just yet.)

Anyhoodles, das Zika virus!

Those pesky little mosquitos have really been wreaking havoc across Brazil, threatening to even ruin the upcoming Olympic Games.

Zika virus can even cause microcephaly which, long story short, can cause women to give birth to babies with small, deformed heads.

Undt now, das news outlets are reporting that scientists believe the virus may even be transmitted through the oral sexenheisen.

To prove that Bookshelf Q. Battler and I have buried das hatchet and set our differences aside, I shall now relay all the jokes that BQB told me when he heard this discovery:

  • Who would blow a mosquito?
  • Great, yet another excuse for women to avoid polishing the pickle.
  • A little head could lead to a baby with a little head. (What? Too soon? Oh stop it and get a sense of humor.)

Finally, 3.5 readers, scientists have even suggested that deep kissing could lead to the Zika virus.

So, as if you all didn’t have enough to worry about, watch out for those mosquitos and also, what you’re putting in your pie hole, you terrible, terrible perverts.

Dr. Hugo Von Science is the Bookshelf Battle Blog’s Science Correspondent, as well as an Esteemed Professor of Science at the Advanced Science Institute of Science University. Additionally, he may or may not be a mad scientist attempting to conquer the world through the power of science in his spare time.

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Daily Discussion with BQB – Should Scientists Make Chimeras?

Good morning 3.5 readers.

BQB here with another daily discussion.

Chimeras. They’ve been in the news lately.

Not gonna lie. Up until now I thought they only existed in that video game, Resistance, about an alternate World War II in which the US fought human/animal monsters.

But nope. Various news outlets are reporting that scientists are indeed working on making part-human/part-animal embryos.

“Chimera” is a word from Greek mythology, used to denote a part animal/part human.

Scientists claim in various stories I have read, such as this one from NPR that this effort isn’t being done in the hopes of creating some kind of awful animal man, but rather, to study diseases, learn about ways to improve health, and perhaps even be able to grow human organs inside of animals that can be harvested for terminally ill human patients.

But the experiments are controversial, so much so that the National Institutes of Health have ceased funding them until the issue can be studied more, according to the above article.

Personally, I’m suspicious of everyone and everything. I can already see my nemesis, Dr. Hugo Von Science, using this research to raise his own army of pig men, goat men, horse men, dog men, cat men and elephant men to conquer the world.

On the other hand, the idea that I could keep a pig in the back yard with some extra organs in case I need one is intriguing.

It’d have to be an actual pig. If it were a pig man then I’d feel bad.

What say you, 3.5 readers? Yay or nay on chimeras?

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Daily Discussion with BQB – Are We Alone in the Universe?

Good morning 3.5 readers.

Are we alone in the universe, or does alien life exist?

I think it does. It has to. Space is so ridiculously enormous.

The problem is that space travel is filled with so many problems that it isn’t as easy as just hopping in a space ship and traveling around the universe the way they do it in the movies.

Interstellar was probably the most realistic attempt at portraying deep space travel that we have seen in a movie.

It takes too long. Time occurs differently and so on.

But I think space is so vast and there are so many planets that there has to be intelligent life out there.

It is possible that those aliens are douches that would take us over.

In fact, the Mighty Potentate has declared he will take over Earth if I don’t get my novel written.

And Alien Jones is also real so I suppose he’d be offended by the suggestion that he isn’t.

But I think what’s more likely is that there are aliens like us – beings that do mundane, trivial things.

There are probably aliens that have television shows, movies, they go to work and live boring average lives.  Some of them may even be nerd aliens who write blogs for 3.5 alien readers.

There would be cultural differences. We’d have things they’d never heard of.  They’d have stuff we’ve never heard of. But on the whole, we’d probably have a lot in common.

Battlestar Galactica was an attempt to portray this.  Humans lived on (was it twelve?) planets and they had lives similar to ours…but they also had inventions, ideas and customs that were different.

Are aliens (besides AJ and MP, who are a given)  out there?  If they are, do we want to meet them?

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