Tag Archives: writing

How the West Was Zombed – Chapter 32

shutterstock_320226569

 

Gunther dozed with his feet on the Marshal’s desk until the front door opened and rousted him awake.

“Say Joe, what do you know?”

“Hello Gunther,” Joe said. “I was hoping I could…”

The old man opened the top right drawer and pulled out a rusty cash box. He pulled out some bills and handed them to Joe. “Say no more. Seven days. Seven dollars. You earned it.”

“Much obliged,” Joe said, tucking the money into his pocket.

“Afraid there’s no more work for you here,” Gunther said. “Actually, there’s no more work for me here either.”

“Sorry to hear that,” Joe said.

“Might be some work for you around town,” Gunther said. “Lars Gustafson was looking for help at the livery if you know how to shoe a horse.”

“Nah,” Joe said. “Reckon I’ll be moving on soon.”

“Too much excitement for you in this thriving metropolis?” Gunther asked.

“You could say that,” Joe replied.

The two men shook hands.

“If you could thank Mr. Slade for me, I’d appreciate it,” Joe said.

“Not sure when I’ll see him again but I’ll pass it along,” Gunther said.

“It’s just…”

“What?” Gunther asked.

“You two were the first bosses I ever had who…”

“Didn’t make you kiss their asses?” Gunther asked.

“I was going to say treated me like an equal but yeah,” Joe said. “Say Gunther, I hate to ask…”

“What’s on your mind?” Gunther asked.

“Can you spare some cartridges?” Joe asked.

“Personally, I cannot,” Gunther said.

“Oh,” Joe replied. “Ok.”

Gunther opened up the bottom right desk drawer and laid out a box of ammo. “But luckily there’s a going out of business sale here at the Marshal’s office. What for?”

“Just going on a little hunting trip,” Joe said.

“Big game?” Gunther asked.

“Just a couple of dirty animals,” Joe replied. “Ummm…”

“What?” Gunther asked.

“Pistol rounds?”

Gunther set another box on the desk. Joe picked them both up.

“Must be some trip you’re going on,” Gunther said.

“You don’t know the half of it,” Joe replied.

“Care to tell me?” Gunther asked.

“Not especially,” Joe said. “Thanks again.”

Joe left and Gunther returned to his nap. “What else is new? No one ever tells me anything around here.”

Leo banged on the cage bars.  “Some of us are trying to sleep here!”

“Aww who asked you ya’ drunk?”

Tagged , , , , , ,

How the West Was Zombed – Chapter 30

shutterstock_320226569

1870

History has an uncanny way in which it repeats itself. Eleven years had passed since Joe discovered the monster that dwelled within him. For a time, he found money. Happiness. Success. A wife. A son. A home.

Alas, when he found himself in the middle of a dank, dark dungeon, his hands and feet bound to a stone table by silver chains, he began to realize that compared to his new master, Lorante had been a teetotaler.

An iron door opened and two werewolves lumbered in, their heads just barely scraping the ceiling. Blythe stepped into the room as merry as could be, as if he were off to a stroll in a park and not a torture session.

Joe struggled but the silver burned his skin. The more he moved, the worse it got.

Blythe looked down and wagged a finger in his captive’s face. “Bad dog. Bad, bad dog.”

The counselor turned to one of his wolves. “Mr. Hewett, have at it.”

Hewett dragged his claws across Joe’s chest, forcing the prisoner to cry out in pain. Then as quickly as Joe’s wound was made, it was gone. Nothing but bare skin remained.

“Joseph, I had a soul once,” Blythe said. “I can remember what it was like to be in the terrible position of caring. ‘Waah I want love. Waah I don’t like being sad. Waah I don’t want to kill anyone.’”

Blythe nodded at Hewett. A hot blast of air shot out of Hewett’s snout as he slashed Joe’s stomach again, producing even more agony.

“I blame myself for this, Joseph,” Blythe said. “Really, I do. I trained you poorly.  Somehow, you thought the only thing your new position required of you was to just stand around and keep me safe.”

Blythe chucked. “And somehow…you got the silly idea in your head that my orders are optional. Again, Mr. Hewett.”

Another slash. Another scream.

“Would you like to tell me what you were thinking?” Blythe asked.

“They were just…people. Innocent people,” Joe said.

Another wag of the finger from Blythe. “That’s that pesky soul of yours talking. You see them as people and I see them as blood bags. And not just any blood bags. Excellent physical specimens. Good health and breeding. Procured at some expense for the board of directors’ pleasure and you just opened up their cell doors and let them walk away.”

Splat. A giant loogie hit Blythe right in the face. Hewett took that as an invitation to slash the prisoner again.

“Just kill me and get it over with,” Joe said.

Blythe wiped the spit off his face with a handkerchief. “If it were up to me I would let you off so easily but I have a board of directors to answer to and our chairman is a real bastard in particular. Mr. Becker, if you please.”

Becker ducked his furry head under the door frame and left the room.

“Have you ever read the works of Plato, Joseph?” Blythe asked.

“Is that a trick question?” Joe replied.

“Not at all,” Blythe said. “I never read them myself but that’s only because I had the chance to listen to him speak about them in person. He theorized that there were three classes of people: gold, silver, and bronze.”

Hewett, used to his boss’s tendency to prattle on, leaned up against the wall to rest.

“The gold class, they’re the thinkers. The politicians. The business tycoons. The big picture people,” Blythe said. “The silver class, they protect the world that the golds create and the bronze? They’re the lowly grunts who do the work that’s beneath the silver and gold.”

“I wish I could kill myself just so I wouldn’t have to listen to you anymore,” Joe said.

“The humans follow this system,” Blythe said. “And evil follows this system as well. At the very bottom of our food chain is the pathetic zombie. No soul. No brains. Mindless instruments of destruction who just bite and eat and destroy whatever is in their way. They’re ultimately useless until given some direction.”

Blythe pointed to the silver chains. “You’re a silver, Joseph. An unfortunate analogy seeing as what silver actually does to beings like us but an apt one just the same. Werewolves have been tasked with the noble duty of guarding the property of vampires since the dawn of time. We don’t ask you to think. We just ask you to do.”

The counselor stroked his hand through Joe’s hair just as one would a well-behaved puppy.

“Did I not take care of you, Joseph?” Blythe asked. “Provide you with a generous wage? Raise you to a higher station in life? And did I not protect you from those humans who’d protest that your shade of color disqualifies you from either? There is no one else on this planet who could have offered you the life I did and you thanked me by making me look like a fool in front of the board.”

Joe stared at the ceiling, praying for a swift resolution.

Becker returned with Lydia slung over his shoulder. He set her down. This time around, she was very, very scared.

Joe wrenched at the chains but that only made him scream. “HOW?!”

Blythe grinned. “Thought you hid her from me did you? Oh Joseph, the eyes, as they say, truly are the window to the soul and once you allowed me to look into yours I knew your achilles’ heal was your family.”

Lydia shrieked as Blythe pulled her body close to his. The counselor opened his mouth and hissed like a snake as two sharp fangs popped out. He used them to bite open a vein in his wrist.

“Henry, please,” Joe said. “This is between us. She did nothing to you. Let her go.”

“The board has already made a ruling, Joseph,” Blythe said as his blood dripped all over Lydia’s dress. “I am but a cog in a greater machine.”

The vampire wrapped his hand around Lydia’s mouth.

“Open,” Blythe said.

Lydia struggled and then relented. Drip…drip…drip went the vampire blood down her throat.

Joe lost control and yanked at the chains with all his might, the silver searing into his flesh.

“Your love and I are bonded now,” Blythe said. “A greater connection exists between us for my blood flows in her veins. It calls out to me, yearning for my guidance. My direction. My control.”

Joe’s eyes turned yellow. The beast fought to take over his body but the silver chains held it at bay.

“Of course,” Blythe said. “She’s burdened by that pesky soul of hers that tells her not to listen to me so let’s relieve her of that, shall we?”

A shot rang out, smashing its way through Lydia’s heart. Once she fell to the ground, Blythe set a smoking revolver down on a small table.

Had any humans been in the room, Joe’s roar would have popped their eardrums.

“Oh enough of the theatrics,” Blythe said. “Her soul’s in a much better place.”

Joe couldn’t see it but he could hear Lydia grown. Then she snarled. Ever so slowly, she rose to her feet. Her eyes were blank white, the retinas completely gone. Her movements were mechanical.  She had become a gruesome automaton.

Unsure of her steps, Lydia walked like a toddler towards Joe, then sunk her teeth into her husband’s shoulder. She snapped off a piece of flesh and devoured it, blood dripping from her lips. Joe’s flesh grew back immediately.

“I can’t be damned twice,” Joe said. “You killed her for nothing! NOTHING!”

“Did I?” Joe asked. “Mr. Becker.”

The werewolf henchman exited the room. Lydia moved into Joe’s neck for another bite but Blythe stretched out his hand in a “stop” motion.

“Down girl,” Blythe commanded.

Lydia instantly complied and stood quietly, staring at the wall.

Becker returned with little Miles wrapped up in his paw. The boy was merely five years old and petrified for his life. He was set on the floor and he immediately scurried underneath the table his father was laid out on.

“Please,” Joe said, reduced to sobbing. “Just kill me.”

“If I had any emotions I’d sympathize with you Joseph,” Blythe said. “I truly would.”

Blythe stared at the bullet in his hand. It was remarkably shiny. A glint of candlelight bounced off of it. The vampire loaded it into the pistol then set it on the smaller table by the door.

“I’ll let you figure this out,” Blythe said. “The bullet’s silver in case you’d like to take personal responsibility for what you’ve done and call it quits. If not, well, you know what to do. The board has declared that either your head or hers will be sufficient to consider your debt repaid.”

Hewett and Becker got in front of their boss and formed one gigantic hairy wall of protection. Blythe reached for a lever on the wall, yanked it down, and Joe was released.

Joe lept from the table and charged at his captors.

Blythe snapped his fingers. “Feed at will, dear,” was his last order to Lydia.

Hewett backhanded Joe to the ground and the trio escaped, locking the iron door behind them.

Joe stood up to find the undead body of the woman  he loved on the floor, desperately clawing her hand underneath the table, attempting to snatch a crying Miles.

“Lydia,” Joe said.

Lydia waved her arm under the table furiously.

“Miles,” Joe said.

“Papa?”

“Stop…” Joe caught his breathe. “Stop that crying now. Mama’s just playing a game with you.”

“She is?” Miles asked.

“Yes,” Joe said.

“Silly Mama,” Miles said. The boy sniffed and the crying stopped. “What are we playing?”

Joe grabbed Lydia by the waist and pulled her away from the table but like a wild animal she kicked and growled.

“LYDIA STOP!”

It was no use. She wrestled herself out of Joe’s grip and dove to the bottom of the table again, the boy’s delicious flesh the only thing on her mind.

Joe grabbed the revolver. “Hide and seek,” Joe told Miles.

“I’m losing,” Miles said. “Mama keeps finding me.”

“I know,” Joe said as he pulled Lydia away again. She shrieked and waled, digging her nails into Joe’s sides and ripping her teeth into the arm he used to hold her with.

“You just have to try harder,” Joe said. “Close your eyes and count to ten.”

The little boy’s voice counted. “One…two…three…”

“Stick your fingers in your ears and sing a song,” Joe said.

Lydia’s teeth cut Joe’s arm all the way to the bone. He fought through it as he raised the revolver to his wife’s temple.

“Then she’ll hear me and find me!” Miles said.

“Nah,” Joe replied. “Mama’s sneaky. She’ll ask you where you are and if you can’t hear then you can’t tell her.”

“Oh,” Miles said. “Row row row your boat…”

Joe kissed his wife on the cheek. She snapped her teeth at his face.

“I love you,” Joe said. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

Joe pulled the trigger. The shot tore through Lydia’s brain and her undead body went limp. Gently, Joe laid her down on the table he’d been held on. He wolfed out, punched the iron door off its hinges, then morphed back into human form.

Miles was still singing. “…merrily merrily merrily…”

Joe picked up Lydia and carried her in his arms. He walked out of the room, down a dimly lit hallway, and found another cell. He laid his wife down again, then returned to collect his son.

He reached under the table and pulled Miles out.

“Where’s Mama?” Miles asked as Joe grabbed the boy by the hand and led him down the hallway.

“Her turn to hide now,” Joe said. “She’s hiding pretty good so I think it’ll be awhile before we find her.”

“Oh,” Miles said. “Why are you naked?”

“Lost my pants,” Joe said.

“I lose mine sometimes too,” Miles said. “Mama always finds ‘em for me. She’s a good Mama.”

“Yeah,” Joe said. “Yeah she is.”

Tagged , , , , , , , , , ,

How the West Was Zombed – A Note on Chapter 30

shutterstock_320226569

 

Hello 3.5 Readers.

Chapter 29 had a note and Chapter 30 has a note too.

As I’ve said before, I’m not an outliner, I’m a pantser.  I have a general idea of the story in my head and I’m not sure where it will go until I set fingers to keyboard.

So if you’re offended, please know I never really intended to write a scene in which a woman is zombified and then tries to eat her young son and her husband is faced with the Sophie’s choice of having to either shoot his zombified wife in the head or allowing his son to be eaten but…hey…the story goes where the story goes.

Really, it’s the story’s fault not mine.  As the evil Blythe said before and is about to say again, “I’m just a cog in a much larger machine.”

But hey…30 chapters and roughly 25,000 words in and there’s a zombie.  So there’s that.

Tagged , , , , , , , , ,

How the West Was Zombed – Chapter 28

shutterstock_320226569

Inside the Marshal’s office, Slade picked up the only two possessions he had in the world that he cared about. A box of cigars and a wrinkled, grainy old photograph of his parents, who stared solemnly at the camera as was the custom at time.

Gunther reached into the desk drawer, pulled out a bottle of whiskey and poured two shots.

“Might I propose a plan since yours failed so unceremoniously?”

Slade nodded. Gunther tossed his shot back and poured another one.

“F%&k it,” Gunther said, pushing Slade’s shot closer to him. “Keep up, boy.”

Slade drank his then stared at Gunther, waiting. Finally, he asked. “What’s the plan?”

“That is the plan. F&*k….it.”

Gunther tossed another back then set himself and Slade up again. “Son, in all the years I’ve been at this, one thing has never changed. All the money in the West flows East and absolutely nothing but shit flows back this way. You got your fancy pants politicians preaching about manifest destiny, how the country is going to shine from sea to shining sea but if you walk into any town all they’re willing to pay for is one or two assholes to protect it all.”

Slade and Gunther threw back another round.

“And you know what their response to everything is?” Gunther asked.

“What?” Slade asked.

“‘Figure it out, assholes!’” Gunther said. “Don’t matter what. Tornadoes. Floods. Famine. Injuns. Criminals. Don’t matter at all. ‘Just figure it out, you two assholes we pay a pittance to!’”

“Sounds about right,” Slade said.

“It’s exactly right,” Gunther said. “They aren’t willing to pay the cost of what it will take to enforce the law proper in this Godforsaken land and men like Jack Buchanan know it. And everyone who lives here is too preoccupied with their own lives to bother to stand up and ask the political types to do right by us so honestly…f%$k it. F%$k them. F$%k Highwater. F%$k everything.”
“That’s not my way,” Slade said.

“Yeah,” Gunther said. “I know that. I knew you were different the first day I met you. I said to myself, ‘Son of a bitch, they sent a man that’s going to expect me to work for a living.’ But son you know the reason why I always try to talk you out of this shit isn’t because I don’t believe in you but because I don’t believe in the powers that be. The last two people who should have to die are the two assholes paid a pittance to protect the place just because Washington won’t ante up to provide enough manpower to send the Jack Buchanans of the world to the grave.”

Slade had always looked at Gunther as lazy and cowardly but in that moment he started to make a lot of sense. Gunther poured another round. The glasses clinked.

“Here’s to f%&king it,” Gunther said.

“F$%k it,” Slade said.

“Now you’re talking,” Gunther said.

The two men drank then sat in silence for a moment.

“I don’t know what to do now,” Slade said.

“You don’t know what to do?” Gunther asked. “Jesus Christ, you got two women after you and God knows why on account of I seen rattle snakes with better personalities. Pick one of ‘em already.”

Slade locked his hands behind his head and sat back. “I did.”

“You did?” Gunther asked. “Shit. Yet another piece of vital information withheld from your Deputy. Which one?”

“Sarah.”

“Ahh,” Gunther said. “The Widow Farquhar. A lovely woman. You’ll…you’ll make a fine couple.”

Slade noticed the hesitation. The whiskey loosened up his tongue. “What?”

“Nothing,” Gunther said.

“You said she was pretty and rich and desperate and I shouldn’t f$%k it up,” Slade said.

“I did,” Gunther said. “That was before…”

Gunther didn’t want to say it.

“What?” Slade asked.

“Before I became aware that Miss Bonnie wanted to be all over you like stink on a skunk.”

“She doesn’t,” Slade said.

“Oh you didn’t see the look in her eyes that I did, boy,” Gunther said. “The only thing stopping her from scratching out the Widow Farquhar’s eyes was fear of the gallows. She wants you and she wants you bad.”

“Yeah,” Slade said. He poured out two shots this time. “She had her chance.”

Gunther cleared his throat. “Did she really though?”

The boys drank again. “Yes.”

“But you didn’t really ask her,” Gunther said.

“No,” Slade said. “No I reckon I didn’t.”

“Sooo….”

“Doesn’t matter,” Slade said as he stood up. “I made a promise.”

Gunther got out of his chair. “You actually proposed to the Widow Farquhar?”

“Yup.”

“Shit,” Gunther said. “Well, that’s not something easily wiggled out of.”

“I don’t want to wiggle out of it,” Slade said.

“Whatever you say,” Gunther said.

The men shook hands.

“Where are you off to?” Gunther asked.

“To see if Sarah will let me sleep on her floor,” Slade said.

“Gosh,” Gunther said. “Such a whirlwind romance.”

“You got somewhere to go?” Slade asked.

“Oh sure,” Gunther said. “Don’t you worry about me none.”

“See you around, Gunth.”

“See you.”

Truth be told, Gunther’s only real plan was to keep living in the Marshal’s office until some bureaucrat got around to filling the position.

Unbeknownst to him, a body had laid perfectly still underneath a blanket inside the cage throughout the entire conversation. A hand clawed its way out between the bars and grabbed the old man’s shoulder.

“What the?!”

It was Leo Fitzpatrick, local harmless drunk, sleeping another one off.

“Shit Leo,” Gunther said. “Scared me half to death.”

“Sorry,” Leo said. “I let myself in. Maureen threw me out again.”

“Well that’s a good way to get yourself shot,” Gunther replied.

“Can I get some of that?” Leo asked, pointing to the bottle.

Gunther handed it to him. “I thought you were trying to dry out.”

“A little hair of the dog never hurt anyone.”

Tagged , , , , , , ,

How the West Was Zombed – Chapter 27

shutterstock_320226569
Joe found Miles inside the church, drawing away. A grizzly bear this time.

“Go.”

“What?” Miles asked.

“Get up and go,” Joe said. “Right now. Start walking. Anywhere. I’ll find you.”

Miles stood up. “What’s going on?”

“I am your father and you will do as I say!”

Miles sniffed the air. “Blythe! He’s in town.”

“Now you know,” Joe said. “Get out of here.”

“No,” Miles said.

“Miles you know what he does,” Joe said. “He’ll use you to make me suffer.”

“I’m not going,” Miles said.

Joe grabbed his son by the shirt collar and dragged him toward the door. Miles dug his heels in and slapped at his father’s hand.

“If she were here she’d want you to go,” Joe said.

“BUT SHE’S NOT IS SHE?” Miles yelled as he struggled with his old man before finally clocking him a good one upside the head.

That didn’t go over well. Joe’s eyes turned yellow. His muscles bulged out, ripping his shirt apart. Louder than a lion’s roar he bellowed, “I…SAID…GO!!!!”

Miles wasn’t going to argue with that.

“Fine,” the kid said as he walked away. “Do your breathing.”

Joe fell flat on his back and did just that.

Tagged , , , , , , ,

How the West Was Zombed – Chapter 26

shutterstock_320226569

“Rain!”

Halfway down the main drag, Gunther caught up with his now ex-boss. Slade was on fire and making a beeline for the Bonnie Lass, outside of which Blythe and his new gaggle of employees were congregating.

“God damn it son, will you hold up?”

Slade kept walking.

“You think you could have run that stunt you pulled back there by me first?” Gunther asked.

No response.

“I’ve had this job before you were even born and now I gotta up and leave it because of some slick sleazy lawyer?”

“No one asked you to,” Slade replied.

“Shit boy,” Gunther said. “Forty years I’ve never not once had a Marshal’s back and I’m not about to start now. Do you at least got some sort of plan?”

As Slade drew near, Jack rubbed his eyes and cried some crocodile tears. “Boo hoo hoo those poor Injuns!!!”

WAM! Slade’s right cross knocked out three of Jack’s teeth. And he needed those. He didn’t have many left to begin with.

Like clockwork, Hewett and Becker had their guns drawn and trained on Slade. The Buchanan Boys had yet to have their hardware returned to them, but they didn’t take kindly to seeing their favorite brother-cousin decked and looked ready to tear Slade apart.

“That was a horrible plan,” Gunther said.

Blythe raised a hand. “Gentlemen! Gentlemen, simmer down now. As our dear Lord and Savior Jesus Christ once said, ‘If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also.”

Jack wasn’t interested in a scripture lesson. “YOU’RE A DEAD MAN SLADE!”

The counselor stepped in front of the former Marshal and flashed his red eyes Jack’s way.

“Mr. Slade is lucky you’re a good Christian, Mr. Buchanan. You won’t stoop to his level. It’s time for you and your family to celebrate.”

Jack shook to and fro like he was dizzy. He caught his bearings and pointed at Slade. “Shit Slade, if I weren’t a good Christian, I would bust you up!”

That reaction met with loud cries of disappointment from the various and sundry Buchanans. Jack quelled all dissent by yelling, “Come on, boys! Let’s get f$%ked up!”

They filed into the saloon. Miss Bonnie’s protest could be heard on the street.

Blythe turned around. “Mr. Slade. We’ve got off on the wrong foot.”

“F$%k you,” was all Slade had to say to that.

“Gentlemen,” Blythe said to Hewett and Becker, a cue for them to holster their steel. “Mr. Slade, I surely hope you won’t take this personally. Business is business and I am but a cog in the great machine that is the Legion Corporation. My superiors tell me to acquire the services of brutish men and I have no choice but to abide.”

“I’ll bring every last one of you down,” Slade said.

Blythe gave Slade a glimpse of his red peepers. “This matter no longer interests you. You’ll never give it a second thought.”

Like a confused puppy dog, Slade cocked his head to one side. “What…are you?”

The counselor was taken aback. His eyes returned to normal. “Goodness me. I could ask you the same question.”

Blythe and his bodyguards headed through the double doors.

“You know,” Gunther said. “I could use a drink myself.”

Tagged , , , , , ,

How the West Was Zombed – Chapter 25

shutterstock_320226569

After the courtroom cleared out, Slade confronted Sampson.

“What the hell are you doing?” Slade asked, his voice raspier than ever.

“Marshal, I hate this as much as you do but the Governor has the right to issue pardons and once he does there’s absolutely nothing I can do about it. Take it up with him.”

Slade, man of action that he was, ripped the star off his shirt, slammed it down on the Judge’s bench, and stormed out of the courtroom.

“Slade!” the Judge called after him. “Don’t be ridiculous! This town needs you!!!”

Gunther’s stomach churned. The idea of leaving a job he held most of his life was unsettling, as was the idea of being disloyal to Slade.

“I don’t reckon there’s some kind of generous retirement payment for a man who’s held the position of Deputy Marshal for over forty years, is there?”

“Not that I know of,” the Judge replied.

“I figured as much,” Gunther said as he tugged at his star. “Oh well, here’s mud in your eye.”

Gunther tugged and tugged but the star wouldn’t budge.

“Deputy,” Sampson said. “I don’t have all day.”

“Now hold your horses,” Gunther said as he continued to fumble around, “I don’t want to rip my vest. My wife made this for me…ah…here we go.”

Gunther slammed his star down next to Slade’s.

“Gunther, don’t do this,” Sampson said. “You could take Slade’s place and become the Marshal yourself.”

“What?” Gunther asked. “And be the man who has to make all the decisions and be responsible for everything? No thank you. I’d rather be hung upside down by my toes and beaten with a wet noodle.”

“What will you do now?” Sampson asked.

“I don’t know,” Gunther said. “Get even older and die I guess.”

Tagged , , , , , , ,

How the West Was Zombed – Chapter 24

shutterstock_320226569

 

From the moment Blythe walked into the courtroom, Joe felt the beast surge within him. Under his shirt, he felt his chest hair grow. His fingernails started to jut out. But he took a deep breath and held his alternate form at bay.

He and Blythe had met before. Joe positioned himself outside the door and grabbed the counselor’s arm as he walked out into the hallway.

Hewett and Becker drew their weapons instantly. Joe released his grip.

“Joseph!” Blythe said. “So lovely to see you again.”

“We have unfinished business.”

“Do we?” Blythe asked. “My, my. You never learned your lesson, did you?”

Blythe patted his hand against Joe’s cheek. “So much sorrow written all over your face. Such a pathetic inability to let trivial matters go. How dreadfully unkind time has been to you.”

“I will end you,” Joe said. “The biggest mistake you ever made was not killing me.”

“You know that’s not my way, Joseph,” Blythe said. “If I kill my underlings, how will they ever learn?”

A brief staredown.

“How’s that son of yours?” Blythe asked. “Goodness, he must be a strapping young man now.”

A guttural growl poured out of Joe’s mouth. Growls followed from Hewett and Becker.

Blythe released Joe’s throat. His agents holstered their weapons.

“To be continued I suspect,” Blythe said as he and his men left the building.

Joe breathed heavily in order to bring himself under control.

Out came Gunther. “Can you believe this horse shit? Help me unchain these assholes, will ya’? I think I’m gonna be sick.”

Tagged , , , , , , , ,

How the West Was Zombed – Chapter 23

shutterstock_320226569

Judge Sampson was not a man to be trifled with.

“The Legion Corporation? This case has nothing to do with your company!”

Blythe had a prominent Southern accent.  So flamboyant was his drawl that it was almost as if he spent a lot of time working on it. The only thing he was missing was the mint julep.

“Your honor, may it please the court…”

“It does not please the court!” the Judge shouted. “The court is very displeased!”

The doors opened again and two men entered.

“Now who are these two peckerwoods?” the Judge so astutely inquired.

“Apologies,” Blythe said. “Where are my manners?”

The counselor pointed to his left, toward a man with a high widow’s peak, a square jaw and a stern face.

“This is Mr. Dalton Hewett.”

Blythe shifted his attention to his right, toward a man with short brown hair and a handlebar mustache.  This man looked as though he might have been handsome once, until his nose was broken and reset one too many times.

“And this is Mr. Travis Becker. They’re my security agents, your honor. Professionals trained in the art of gunslinging and paid to safeguard my person from all the dangers the world has to offer.  Coincidentally, Judge, security is what I’ve come to talk to you about today.”

“How’s that?” Sampson asked.

“This is all just a big misunderstanding, your honor,” Blythe said. “Mr. Buchanan and his bundle of hayseeds have recently been hired as security agents of the Legion Corporation”

“We have?!” Jack asked.

Blythe slapped a hand on Jack’s shoulder, then knelt down to whisper in the defendant’s ear.

“Do you want to get off the hook and make a few bucks?” Blythe asked.

“Hell yeah!” Jack said.

“Then shut up.”

“Bullshit,” Sampson said.  “I don’t know what your angle is, counselor, but I know bullshit when I smell it and I’m fixing to pull up my boots.”

“It’s all perfectly legitimate, Judge,” Blythe said as he popped open a briefcase and handed a stack of papers to Hewett, who in turn walked them over to Sampson. “You’ll find all the necessary documentation right there.  These men were hired a month ago and were ordered to report to Highwater last week to assist in safeguarding the operations of the Legion Line.”

Sampson studied the paperwork. “Why should I give a shit?”

“Because, your honor, as you’re well aware, Highwater Station is the last stop on our transcontinental express before it crosses the Mississippi River by way of the Sturtevant Bridge.  Back East, demand is higher than ever for the minerals, resources, and raw materials that the West provides in abundance and we can’t allow this precious cargo to be shipped without protection from Injuns and bandits can we?  That’s why the board of directors of the Legion Corporation have enlisted me to oversee this important hub of activity and my very first act was to hire these upstanding citizens.”

“That’s neither here nor there,” Sampson said. “As much as you snooty city folk like to pretend like the whole world revolves around you, your employees are not afforded a free pass for criminal misconduct.”

“I should say not, your honor,” Blythe said. “Tell me, what is the immediate allegation that led to these men becoming embroiled in such hot water?”

“An attempted attack on Highwater,” Sampson said.

“Come now, Judge,” Blythe said. “Is an attempt really a crime?”

“That’s what I said!” Jack shouted.

Blythe carried on. “Was anyone hurt? Injured? Maimed? Was anything stolen? It seems to me that all that happened was that these fine, upstanding men showed up for work and were mistaken for common thugs.”

“They are common thugs!” Sampson hollered. “I could throw out the Highwater charges and there’d still be enough to hang ’em high for any one of the crimes they committed across the country!”

Jack raised his finger to make a point. “Clarification, your honor. Armadillo molestation isn’t a hanging offense in Texas. Usually, the sheriff just lets you off with a warning as long as you put the armadillo back where you found him.”

“YOU! SHUT UP!” Sampson screamed. “Counselor, these men have been accused of one long crime spree that’s gone on for years.”

“I see,” Blythe said. “And where are the witnesses?”

“The what?” Sampson asked.

“The witnesses,” Blythe said. “The people who were allegedly harmed.  Why are they not here to take the stand and profess to the injuries they claim to have suffered at the hands of the Buchanans?”

“They’re all dead,” Sampson said.

Blythe stretched his arms out and said, Rather convenient, isn’t it? Now your honor, I may be just a simple country lawyer, but during my copious study of jurisprudence, I determined that the accused has a right to face his accusers.”

Slade raised his hand and was acknowledged by the Judge. The Marshal despised public speaking as much as he did private, but he forced himself. “These boys have been attacking the Injun lands outside town for awhile now.”

“Really, your honor?” Blythe asked. “Is that where we are now? Secondhand heresay based on the word of heathen savages?”

Without a gavel, Sampson pounded his fist down on his desk. “I’ve heard enough. Counselor, your motion is denied. The verdict stands. Get the f%$k out.”

Blythe rifled through his briefcase.  “Silly me, I almost forgot I have one more thing to show you, your honor. Governor Montgomery has issued a fall pardon to every last Buchanan for these so-called crimes.”

“Bullshit,” Sampson said.

B”It took some doing,” Blythe said. “But our dear Governor was so moved by the plight of these noble, downtrodden men that he felt compelled to intervene.”

The counselor approached the bench and handed a single, blank sheet of paper to the Judge.

“Is this some kind of joke?” Sampson asked.

With his back turned to the room, Blythe’s eyes turned a dark glowing red.  Sampson couldn’t help but stare at them. He found them so…alluring.

“No your honor,” Blythe said. “As you can see, everything is in order and these men are free to go.”

Blythe’s eyes returned to their regular blue. Sampson cleared his throat.

“I can’t believe that Governor Montgomery would exercise his power in such a reckless manner,” the Judge said. “But everything is in order. These men are free to go.”

The outraged citizenry who showed up hurled every insult they could think of at the Judge.

“My hands are tied! A pardon from the Governor trumps all!  The verdict is vacated! Case dismissed!”

 

 

 

Tagged , , , , , , , , ,

How the West Was ZOMBED – Chapter 22

shutterstock_320226569
The courtroom buzzed as the Right Honorable Mortdecai Sampson took his seat. Bald with the exception of the white hair that grew out of his ears like unruly haystacks. Ugly teeth. A perpetually angry face. And a pair of wire rimmed spectacles he was always using to look down over his crooked nose at people with.

The Judge slammed his gavel down with enough force to crack a walnut. “ORDER!”

Everyone went silent. Smelly Jack sat at a small table, to which he was chained. His brother-cousins took up most of the seats. Slade and Gunther stood watch toward the front of the room. Joe and Knox were on either side. As usual, the younger Knoxes were in the back.

“Smelly Jack Buchanan…”

“HANDSOME JACK!”

Sampson pointed his gavel at the defendant. “SHUT UP! Smelly Jack Buchanan, you and your inbred family stand accused of committing a litany of heinous deeds all across the Western states and territories.”

Jack held his hat over his heart. “Lies your honor. We’re being framed and persecuted on account of us being poor illiterates.”

Sampson read from a document. “Murder. Rape. Arson. Theft. Property Damage. Am I reading this right? You shit bags pillaged and burned down eleven cities between New Mexico and Missouri?”

“Case of mistaken identity,” Jack said. “There’s another handsome shit bag out there that you’ve confused me with.”

“Shot a barber because he didn’t cut your hair straight. Shot a cook because he didn’t fix your dinner right. Shot a man because he looked at you funny…”

“I like to help people better themselves,” Jack said.

“Robbed twenty-three banks. Shot fourteen Sheriffs, seven U.S. Marshalls, and you and your boys are suspected in the disappearance of twelve more officers of the law…”

“They’re probably in the last place you’d thing of looking for them,” Jack quipped.

“What the hell is this about molesting an armadillo outside Houston?”

Jack coughed. “Your honor, that armadillo came on to me…”

“And finally, the attempted attack on Highwater, the crime that finally did you boys in.”

“Judge, is it really a crime to attempt something?” Jack asked. “Piss or get off the pot my beloved Ma used to say.”

Gavel slap. “SHUT UP! Do you have anything to say for yourself before I render a just and unbiased verdict, you stupid asshole?”

“Your honor,” Jack said. “I do believe the Greek philosophizer Soc-ro-tees once said, ‘Hickory dickory dock…suck my big ole…”

Sampson smashed his gavel down. “ENOUGH! Smelly Jack Buchanan. You and your brothers, and your cousins, and your brother-cousins and whatever else are by far the most putrid, vile, disgusting sacks of buffalo shit I’ve ever seen in my entire life. You’re not even good enough to be buffalo shit. You are the mold that grows on the fungus that grows on a steamy pile of buffalo shit after its sat out in the hot sun for three days and then a pig walks by and takes a shit on that shit…”

“It’s not our fault, Judge. Pa used to beat us somethin’ awful so now none of us are responsible for anything we do.”

The Judge banged his gavel so hard it broke in half, sending the hammer part flying across the room.

“Buchanans, on behalf of all the lives you cut short, and on behalf of all the people you’ve caused suffering too, I find you GUILTY!  And furthermore, it is my pleasure to sentence you all to….DEATH…BY HANGING!”

Jack made a motion like he was jerking himself off. “Whatever.”

The courtroom doors swung open. Everyone craned their necks to see who dared disturb Judge Sampson’s sentencing.

In walked a stranger. He was slender and handsome. Not ruggedly handsome but a womanly, pretty kind of handsome. He was dressed as though he were a customer to the finest tailors in the world.  He wore a black suit to match his black hair. Hanging over his necktie was a bright, shiny gold medallion.

“Your honor, pardon my interruption. Henry Allan Blythe and on behalf of the Legion Corporation, I move to set aside that verdict.”

Tagged , , , , , ,