Tag Archives: vampires

Quote About Sleep from Dracula by Bram Stoker

“Oh, the terrible struggle that I have had against sleep so often of late; the pain of the sleeplessness, or the pain of the fear of sleep, and with such unknown horror as it has for me! How blessed are some people, whose lives have no fears, no dreads; to whom sleep is a blessing that comes nightly, and brings nothing but sweet dreams.”

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Fridays with BQB – Interview #2 – Bloodsucking Fun with Rick Gualtieri

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Author Website

Amazon Author Page

Fortune. Hot groupies. Hair. Rick Gualtieri has none of these things, but what he does have is the highly beloved “Tome of Bill” series, which gives a shot of nerdy humor straight into the arm of the ever-so-played vampire genre.

I first heard of Rick when he was a guest on the Self-Publishing Podcast and he seemed like a nerd’s nerd, a geek’s geek, and a poindexter’s poindexter. I could be wrong, but he reminds me a little of myself, i.e. a nerd who is proud of his nerd-dom.

After all, the man maintains a priceless collection of vintage Transformers so he can’t be all that bad.

BQB = BOLD; RICK = ITALICS

QUESTION 1 – Rickster, let’s cut to the chase. Self-publishing. Writing advice. We’ll get to all that in due time but first, my 3.5 readers and I are dying to know…what’s the best piece in your vintage Transformers collection? Mine is a 1980s era Soundwave complete with one of those little cassette tapes that turns into a killer bird. Can you top that? Damnit, I know you probably can.

ANSWER:  Color me jealous. I never did manage to add Soundwave to my collection. So it’s probably a good idea if you don’t turn your back on me down any dark alleys. Accidents happen and all that … just saying. As far as my own collection goes, my prized possessions are all five of the original Dinobots. Thirty or so years later, they still kick all sorts of ass.

BQB NOTE TO SELF – Please remember to make an addition to my Last Will and Testament, naming Rick as inheritor of my vintage Soundwave, provided that he promises to rub the toy with fine scented lotions for three hours a day, including all Federal holidays, and allows an inspector to be named by me to make monthly observations of this ritual to ensure that it is done.

QUESTION 2 – Are geeks born or are they made? Suppose my 3.5 readers are geeks who are just trying to figure out how to make it in a world full of people who scoff at their glasses and nerdyness and obsessions with 1980s action figures. What advice do you have for them?

ANSWER: Be you. The most liberating thing in the world is not giving a single crap what people think about you or what you like. Worry about making yourself happy, not the rest of the world. The rest of the world is mostly stupid. Don’t listen to them!

QUESTION 3 – “Tome of Bill.” Let’s get to it. What’s it all about? What does a newb to this series need to know before diving right in?

ANSWER: Tome of Bill is basically an epic-sized mockery of more serious vampire stories. It’s the story of a gamer / geek who gets bitten – due to his own lack of foresight in realizing that some women are out of his league. And when he wakes up, he’s still him. Despite all the weird and wonderful powers of the undead, he’s still a dork and happy with that fact. Pity that the rest of the vampires aren’t nearly as pleased with him.

There’s tons of snark, action, blood, bad jokes, cursing, more snark, and eventually a plot that revolves around Maple syrup. I like to think it’s got it all.

QUESTION 4 – Do your readers appreciate the humor/vampire combo? I dabble in humorous horror myself, but sometimes I fear that horror fans just come for the blood spatter and don’t want to laugh, and comedy fans come for the yuks but don’t want their mellows harshed with blood and guts. How do you keep both camps happy?

ANSWER: I think it’s all in the expectations. When you go into, say, Army of Darkness, you kind of know you’re getting a mix of gore and jokes. That’s why it works. Conversely, if you turn on the Exorcist and suddenly Max von Sydow’s character starts cracking one-liners, it’s going to be a bit of a WTF moment. I think horror comedy works best when you give people a hint up front as to what they’re getting into that way you don’t tick off the hardcore splatter crowd.

QUESTION 5 – As an author of vampiric fiction, I’m going to say you’re qualified to opine on all vampiric matters, so let me ask you a question that has plagued me for years.

Whenever you watch a serious vampire movie, why the hell are all the victims so scared of becoming a vampire? Seriously. You stay young forever. You never die. Sure, you have to murder people and drink their blood to survive which could get tedious but you don’t have a conscience anymore so really, it all comes out in the wash. You live forever so you can study and learn a lot. Travel the world. Learn all the different languages. Glamour hot chicks into being your love slaves (which my lawyer advises me to say in this highly sensitive climate we live in that this would be wrong, totally wrong!) Plus, if you live forever, you can save forever so really, become a Wal-Mart stock-boy for 100 years and by the end of the century you’ll be loaded.

Am I missing something? Is there a downside to becoming a vampire? I’m thinking about just lying around a cemetery with some hot sauce on my neck in the hopes I’ll become a vamp victim.  Can you talk me out of it?

ANSWER: I personally think it’s more the fear of dying … and what happens if the process either doesn’t work or the vampire has no real intention of turning you. It’s like “Hey, congrats, sucker. Now you’re really dead.”

I mean, heck, otherwise it would be no different than going to the hospital for some minor surgery and waking up with superpowers (and maybe a sun allergy). There’s probably more that plays into it. Fear of never seeing a sunrise again maybe (not a big deal for those of us who avoid beach days), or possibly fear of losing our minds and slaughtering everyone we know. That last one is pretty much the only issue that kind of bugs Bill after he gets turned.

But heck yeah. Aside from that, sign me up for a couple hundred years of compounded interest.

QUESTION 6 – Vampires. Zombies. What’s the next horror monster craze? I’m betting chupacabras. Lots of angsty teen dramas about goth kids who give their teachers plenty of guff by day and sneak onto a farmer’s ranch by night to eat all of his goats.

ANSWER: Personally, I’m all about killer sasquatches myself. But those have limited terror appeal in a city setting. Whatever it is, I want to be at the crest of that wave. Maybe a story about C.H.U.D.s … our hero wakes up one night with an insane urge to live in the sewers and dine on human flesh. Hilarity ensues.

Hmm, let me go write that one down now, while it’s fresh in my head.

BQB EDITORIAL NOTE: And here I thought I was the only one talking about C.H.U.D.s.

QUESTION 7 – The self-publishing game. Is it worth it? I know for me, there are times when it feels like its just one giant hamster wheel and I’m a furry little rodent just waiting for a piece of cheese that will never come. Are there times when you just want to say “screw it” and go take a nap and/or eat cookies and/or watch TV? If you never feel like that, what keeps you going strong? If there are times when you feel like that, what helps you get past it?

ANSWER: I won’t lie. The self-publishing game is only going to get tougher because we’re in a maturing market. The boom days are ending. There’s a lot of people making short term bank right now via a variety of ways (ie. churning out books faster than a puppy mill), but I try to view it from the long term. My goal has been and continues to be writing (hopefully) good stories that people will want to read today, tomorrow, or years from now. Even then, it’s a tough business to be in.

There are always going to be times when I get discouraged, want to walk away, don’t want to do something et cetera. But realistically that’s not any different than any other job I’ve had. What keeps me going is that I really love doing this. It just feels right.

And even if somewhere down the road I have to hang up my hat and move on, I can do so with my head held high. I’ve done far more than I ever thought possible. Nobody can take that away from me.

QUESTION 8 – You’ll never believe this. One of my 3.5 readers just told me she wants to begin a journey towards a self-publishing career TOMORROW! Note that I said this person is a she because #2018 and I’m trying my best to stop being a knuckle driving caveman but it’s really hard sometime because I was alive during the 1980s. What advice do you have for this person? What is the very first thing this person should do?

ANSWER: Despite all the advice on building a platform, creating a marketing machine, or owning social media, she has to have a good product first. Make sure that book is the very best she can make it. Seek advice and honest opinions. Polish it up. And while she’s doing that, take some time and study the market. Explore the covers, blurbs, et cetera of those who are selling well. Then try to do what they do, but better.

QUESTION 9 – Bram Stroker comes back to life tomorrow. Is he surprised to see what the vampire genre he invented has become? Is he happy about it? Sad? Are vampires as cool as they used to be?

First I laugh, because you called him, “Bram Stroker.” That is definitely my new porn name. After that, I stake the bastard before he can suck my blood! Okay, fine. I’m not that tasty.

Seriously, I’d like to hope he’d be flattered in some ways, although, I wouldn’t blame him at being a little horrified either. We’re sort of coming down from a bit of a high in the vampire craze. He’d probably wish he’d come back when Buffy was still on the air. I know I would.

BQB EDITORIAL NOTE:  That’s the last time I hire a chimpanzee to proofread my questions. 

QUESTION 10 – A maniacal supervillain has locked you in his secret lair. You are surrounded by hideous, bloodsucking vampires. Like seriously, not the hot “True Blood” kind but the ugly kind, the ones that have gone all pointy eared and feral.
There are three and only three items in the room. A lasso. An album autographed by 1990s hip hop group Bell Biv Devoe and a taco seasoning packet.
How will you use these items to save your neck?

ANSWER: This one is easy. I pull out the album and fling it at one vamp like it’s a ninja star … then watch in horror as I completely miss and it shatters against the wall. But at least I’ve spared myself from listening to it.

So then … I hook one of the vampires with the lasso, drag him in, and then pour the taco seasoning in his ear in the hope of totally frying his brain. In the chaos, I whisper to him that he’s actually a horse and together we ride off into the sunset, or at least as far as I can get in the sunset before he dissolves into goo.

It’s that or I die horribly, realizing that I should have watched a lot more MacGyver growing up. Damn you, Richard Dean Anderson!!!!

BQB EDITORIAL NOTE:  Everyone should watch more “MacGyver.”  The old one, not the reboot.  I’ve run it past my advisors and they all remarked this escape plan sounds valid, though they note that while Bell Biv Devoe may not be for everyone, everyone can always benefit from the key piece of advice these noble philosopher poets offered to the world, namely, to “never trust a big butt and a smile.”

Wise words indeed.  Thank you, Rick.  May your All-Spark never dim.

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The Bookshelf Battle Rap was Snubbed by the Grammys

Hey 3.5 music fans.

BQB here.

I’ve been carrying some disappointment for a week or so now but have been waiting to comment until I process my emotions.

Now that I’ve had time to calm down, I must say the Grammys were quite remiss in not offering a nomination to the Bookshelf Battle Rap.

Honestly, if there was a better rap song about a fat ass yeti getting roundhouse kicked in the face by a magic bookshelf caretaker offered up in 2017, I did not hear it.  Did you?

Now that I’ve had some time to process my disappointment, I must say the #GRAMMYs were remiss in not offering a nomination to the Bookshelf Battle Rap.

#rap #rappers #music #youtube

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Droppin’ Monsters (A Bookshelf Q. Battle Rap)

Oh my God, 3.5 readers.  Oh my God.

Sit all 3.5 of your butts down for this.

So, as you know, back in the day I was one half of the rap duo known as The Funky Hunks.  My partner MC Plotz and I were a hit with the late 1990s/early 2000s soccer moms what with our squeaky clean lyrics.

Alas, time moved on and my rhyme spinning days are long behind me, but my lyric writing game is still pretty sweet, so I found a rapper on artist who goes by the handle I_Will_Rap.  He’s got mad crazy skills and he’ll rap whatever you want for a reasonable price.

Anyway.  Without further ado, I present to you the debut of the new hit single, sure to take the hip hop world by storm and it’s so good that it may even unite East and West Coast rappers together in a new era of peace, love and understanding: Droppin’ Monsters.

DROPPIN’ MONSTERS (A Bookshelf Q. Battle Rap)

Lyrics by: Bookshelf Q. Battler

Beats Dropped and Rhymes Rapped by I_Will_Rap

Yo. 2017. Time to make the green.
Bookshelf Q. Battler droppin monsters like a bad habit.
Let’s do this thing. Time to get paid, ya dig?

You roll up to your crib and there’s a vampire inside.
Call on BQB to do the wooden stake slide.
But oh my god a zombie wants my brains!
Better get BQB to make it rain the pain.
What’s that in my yard? A chupacabra goat sucker?
BQB grab your nine, pop a cap in that mother (bleep).

When it comes to fighting evil, BQB is the best.
Forces of darkness don’t even try it, this is a nerd you do not want to test.

East Randomtown is the dope ass hood where this bespectacled pimp resides.
He’s chillin in his headquarters, the fly ass hunnies won’t be denied.
BQB is a badass monster hunter, you know that is a fact.
So if you’re a demon straight outta hell, he’ll put you on your back.

One day while BQB was writing,
On his blog called bookshelfbattle.com
There was a sound that was oh so frightening
So he said, “what’s going on?”
He ran downstairs to his living room and what oh what did he see?
A fat ass yeti sitting on his couch, eating his food and watching TV.

“I live in your house forever now,” the Yeti said.
“I’m taking over this fabulous place.”
But that idea filled BQB with dread
So he round house kicked the Yeti right in the face.

Yeah, BQB is droppin monsters.
Ghosts and goblins and werewolves too.
That nerd is gonna do a drive by.
On anything that dares to shout, “boo!”

But when BQB’s not dropping a monstrous reprobate,
He’s writing a dope ass story.
He’s gonna save the world from the Mighty Potentate,
And get his ass some glory.

So don’t forget to check bookshelfbattle.com
For news of BQB’s daring do.
And if you are a monster,
BQB is coming for you.

Damn. That was some sweet ass shit.
3.5 readers my ass. Bookshelf Q. Battler should have all the (bleep) readers.

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Halloween on a Monday

shutterstock_113293567Yeesh.

What a load of crap.

Who wants Halloween on a Monday when you’re just getting the work week started?

As the Count would say, “Bleh.”

It has been a fun month here on the Bookshelf Battle Blog with Count Krakovich, Asshat Vampire and Schecky Blargfeld, Zombie Comedian.

Hope you had a good time, 3.5 readers.

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#31WaystoDefeatAVampire – Way #31 – Happy Halloween – Blogging for 31 Days

By: Count Krakovich, Asshat Vampire

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Bleh!

It’s time for me, your favorite asshat vampire, to channel that one hit wonder 1990s band Semisonic, 3.5 readers.

Here we go:

Closing time, bleh! One more call for alcohol so finish your whiskey or beer, bleh!

Closing time, bleh! You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here, bleh!

Just kidding. Stay here all you want. Click on lots of posts. It makes BQB feel like his life has meaning.

Bleh, I hate vampires because vampires have treated me badly just because my incompetence got seven or eight hundred of them killed and unlike Elsa, they do not let it go.

Vampires and your mother-in-law, both good at holding grudges, am I right, bleh?

To wrap this up – blogging. If you make a vampire blog for thirty-one days about thirty-one ways to defeat a vampire, he will end up exhausted, 3.5 readers. He really will, bleh.

I am defeated, bleh.

Thanks a lot, asshats. Hope you enjoyed it. Or do? I don’t care because I’m a douche-pire, bleh.

Happy Halloween. Eat lots of candy. Avoid the fun size candy bar scam, bleh.

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Remember the Zombamo – Part 1 – Antonio Lopez de Santa Anna

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General Antonio Lopez de Santa Anna charges into a battle against an army of marauding Spaniards hell bent on retaking Mexico for King Ferdinand.

A cannon blows off the general’s leg.  With death appearing to be a near certainty, the mysterious vampire Isadora makes her way to Santa Anna’s bedside and turns him into a vampire.

Quickly, we learn that Isadora represents, “The Legion,” an organization of vampires who have done the devil’s bidding for ages.

A bargain is struck.  Santa Anna may rule Mexico, but he must unleash Satan onto the world.

Under Isadora’s counsel, Santa Anna takes advantage of the chaos created by a coup to execute the president and vice-president to declare himself Mexico’s chief executive.

The loyal but chagrined Colonel Arroyo gets promoted to General, but is dismayed that the people go along with Santa Anna’s chicanery.

Also…werewolves.

Chapter 1          Chapter 2         Chapter 3         Chapter 4

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Remember the Zombamo – Chapter 3

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One month later, Santa Anna strolled with Isadora across his luxurious, sweeping hacienda in Veracruz.

Correction: Isadora strolled. Santa Anna clunked.

“Mierda,” the general said. “What good is eternal life without a leg?”

The lady vampire scoffed. “Off the top of my head, I can think of a thousand dead men who would gladly trade a leg to be in your position.”

Santa Anna hobbled his way to a flower garden, where he sat down on a bench and adjusted the straps on his wooden prosthetic leg.

“Crafted by imbeciles!” the general shouted.

Isadora found a spot on the bench and sat quietly as her protege raged.

“How many times have I saved this country from ruin?!” the general barked. “And all I ask for is a fake leg that fits me properly!”

Santa Anna looked out at the green field that sprawled ahead of him, stretching all the way to the horizon. Peasant workers in rags toiled away under the hot sun, picking ripe vegetables and placing them into burlap sacks.

The general pulled out his pistol, closed his left eye and took aim at a random worker who happened to be standing roughly eighty yards away. The trigger was pulled, the shot fired. The worker fell. His body disappeared into the greenery.

The remaining workers in the dead man’s vicinity stopped momentarily. They looked around and then upon realizing who had fired, went immediately back to work, praying that their brief pause had gone unnoticed.

“Why did I do that?” Santa Anna asked as he blew the smoke off the barrel of his gun.

“Because you wanted to,” Isadora replied.

“All my life, I have wanted to do many things,” Santa Anna said. “Terrible things.”

Isadora plucked a red rose from a nearby bush and admired it.

“Such as?”

“Take what I want,” Santa Anna said. “Torture whoever mocks me. Murder whoever stands in my way. Fuck…”

Santa Anna looked at his companion and calmed down as he realized she was hanging on his every word.

“You stopped at the best part,” Isadora said as she pulled a petal off the rose.

The general finished his sentence. “…whoever I want.”

“What has been holding you back?” Isadora asked.

“I don’t know,” Santa Anna said. “Morality. Decency. Religion. Right and wrong.”

“All good guesses,” Isadora said as she rubbed the petal between her thumb and forefinger. “But all wrong.”

“You look at me as a cat does a mouse, woman,” Santa Anna said. “Tell me already.”

“It was your soul,” Santa Anna said.

The general holstered his weapon then leaned back. He looked up at the sky and attempted to lose himself while staring at all the fluffy white clouds.

“The greatest drawback of life, mi amor, is a soul,” Isadora explained. “A priest will tell you that it is the very essence of your being but if we’re being honest, it is little more than a nagging pest, a pathetic little worm that holds you back…”

Isadora leaned in close and nibbled on Santa Anna’s earlobe. “…it whispers in your ear, ordering you to be good when you know deep down that being bad is much more fun.”

The lady flicked the petal into the air. It danced about in the wind for a moment before it fell to the ground.

“But now your soul is gone,” Isadora said. “You no longer have to worry about it standing between you and what you desire ever again, morality be damned.”

“I do not understand how I can still be here without my soul,” Santa Anna said.

“It may not seem like it but trust me,” Isadora said as she brushed her cold hand up against Santa Anna’s colder cheek. “You are most certainly dead and upon death, the soul and the body separate. Your soul travels to heaven or hell, depending on whether you were a good boy or a bad boy. Where do you think it went?”

“I’d rather not think about it,” Santa Anna replied.

Isadora laughed. “Perhaps that is best.”

“I’m dead,” Santa Anna said. “Yet here I am.”

“Your body carries on,” Isadora said. “Your mind continues to function. But when I drained you of blood, I killed you. When you fed on my blood, you were reanimated. A body drained off blood that is offered blood cannot resist and even death cannot prevent it from feeding.”

Santa Anna sat up and looked around the field.

“You will need to feed forever to remain as you are,” Isadora said.

“Speaking of,” Santa Anna said. “I’m feeling peckish.”

The general stood up and limped into the field. Isadora followed.

“Who will you choose?” the lady vampire asked.

The general stopped and stared at a gray haired old man who was digging in the earth with a shovel. “Too old.”

“Not necessarily a problem,” Isadora said as she followed her love. “Like wine, blood ages well.”

“Yes,” Santa Anna said. “But he’s lived about as much life as he can and wouldn’t fear death, would he?”

“You are a natural when it comes to being a vampire, novio,” Isadora said.

The general stopped in front of a hideous man with a hunchback and a goiter on his noise.

“Ugh,” Santa Anna said as he walked away. “Wretched.”

“The package doesn’t always match the taste,” Isadora said.

“Yes,” Santa Anna said. “But I’d have to look at him while I’m eating…hello.”

A buxom senorita took a break from picking corn to dab her sweaty brow with a handkerchief. Her hair was dark and pulled back from her face with a red ribbon.

The general’s fangs popped out.

“Practice what I showed you,” Isadora said.

“But it would be so much better if she screams,” Santa Anna replied.

“You must learn how to glamour,” Isadora said.

“Oh, alright,” Santa Anna said as he if were a naughty school boy caving in to his scolding mother’s command. “Senorita.”

“Si?” the señorita replied as she turned around. As soon as she noticed the general’s fangs she shrieked. “Un monstruo!”

“Shh,” Santa Anna said as his eyes turned red. “There is nothing to fear.”

“No hay nada que temer,” the señorita replied.

“You want to come to me,” Santa Anna said.

“Quiero ir a ustedes,” the senorita replied.

She did and as soon as she was close, Santa Anna dove his fangs into her neck and sucked. The señorita was quiet, peaceful. Her eyes closed and as she was drained she slowly, peacefully went to asleep until her body went limp in the general’s arms.

Santa Anna lifted his blood soaked mouth up from his meal and tossed the senorita’s carcass to the ground as if it were a pile of trash.

“I am invincible,” Santa Anna said.

“Close,” Isadora said. “But not quite. You’ll want to stay away from silver and guard your heart at all costs. A silver bullet or a wooden stake driven through your heart will be the end of you.”

The she-vamp reached her delicate fingers into Santa Anna’s shirt and pulled out a shiny golden medallion that was hanging from his neck by a chain.

“Above all else,” Isadora said. “Do not lose this and do not ever go outside in the daylight without this on.”

Santa Anna looked down at the golden circle. The design was simple, a mere pentagram. In the center, there was the face of a fearsome looking ram with long, pointy horns.

“A cheap bauble,” Santa Anna said.

Isadora slapped her man across the face, then pointed her finger at him. “You have no idea how difficult it was to talk father into giving this to you. Most vampires must slave away in his service for centuries before gaining his trust.”

Santa Anna reached out and ran his fingers over a similar medallion that hanged from Isadora’s neck.

“Would it be wrong to assume that this ‘father’ you speak of is actually the dev…”

Another slap. A finger pointed at Santa Anna’s face again.

“Do not ever use father’s real name,” Isadora said.

“Why?” Santa Anna asked.

“Because the greatest trick that father ever played is to convince mankind that he does not exist,” Isadora answered. “Throw his name around often enough and incompetent humans might start to wise up.”

“Incompetent?” Santa Anna asked.

“Humans are fools,” Isadora said. “They live short lives and barely have enough time to learn a thing. Alas, you haven’t lived long either mi amor but follow my counsel and you will rule Mexico.”

Isadora took Santa Anna’s arm and the vampires walked together toward an enormous, pristine white mansion.

“The people already call you the Napoleon of the West,” Isadora said.

“I’m not sure that is a compliment,” Santa Anna said.

“It is,” Isadora said. “He was a masterful warrior and between you and I…he was one of us.”

Santa Anna’s eyes widened. “But he had his waterloo.”

“Obey me and you never will,” Isadora said.

“There is a cost you’ve yet to mention, no doubt,” Santa Anna said.

“Of course,” Isadora said. “You’ll need to wake up father.”

“Wake him?” Santa Anna asked.

“Naturally,” Isadora said. “Mexico will be yours, Antonio, but the world will be father’s.”

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#31WaysToDefeataVampire – Way #30 – Fun Sized Candy Bars

By: Count Krakovich, Asshat Vampire

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Bleh!

Don’t you hate it when you think you’re going to get a big ass candy bar but instead you get a teeny tiny candy bar instead?

“Oh it’s fun sized! This pathetic little candy bar is so much fun!”

Bleh, let me tell you, that is some Don Draper Madison Avenue Mad Men Peggy Olsen bullshit right there. “Fun Size” was invented so that candy companies could sell shit tons of candy during the Halloween season and while I haven’t done the math in my vampiric brain, I’m willing to bet that when you buy one of those bags of fun sized candy bars, they’re selling you less chocolate for more money.

Bleh! I’m so angry I’m bleh-ing all over the place. I’m too lazy to do the math. One of you nerds, go analyze the square footage of the average amount of chocolate in a bag of fun sized candy bars, compare it to an equal amount of regular, non-fun sized candy bar chocolate, then do a price comparison, carry the four, add the denominator, multiply times PI and then tell me if I’m full of vampire shit or if I’m onto something, bleh.

“Oh look at me, I have a regular big sized candy bar and it is so boring I wish I had a tiny candy bar then it would be fun.”

You know what’s worse? One of those assholes who can actually just eat one piece of fun sized candy. Because you know the rest of us whales are inhaling so many pieces of the fun sized candy that we’re probably eating the equivalent of a dozen regular, boring size candy bars.

And that’s how they get you! Because when the candy is small, then you shovel it in your stupid cake hole and then you eat all the candy even though you never would have eaten a dozen regular boring size candy bars in one sitting because if you did then you know you’d have a problem.

So on top of all that, you have to haul your fat chocolate stuffed ass back to the store and buy even more fun size candy because you don’t want to be that one assface in the neighborhood that everyone hates because you don’t have any candy to pass out on Halloween, bleh!

Bleh, just thinking about all this has me feeling defeated. I am a vampire and I have been defeated by candy, bleh.

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Remember the Zombamo – Chapter 2

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Hours later, the modest home of a simple villager had been turned into a makeshift battle hospital.

Doctor Sebastian Garcia listened to the patient’s heart with a stethoscope. The beats were slow and feint.

“We’re losing him,” the doctor said.

“Unacceptable,” Colonel Arroyo said. “The General is so loved by the people that our heads will be on pikes if he doesn’t live.”

“He has lost too much blood,” Doctor Garcia replied. “There is nothing I can do.”

The front door creaked open and an alluring woman sauntered in. She was dressed all in black with hair to match. Her eyes were stunning, her lips were red and full and a subtle beauty mark graced the lower part of her right cheek.

The Colonel turned his head toward the woman. “Leave, wench! You have no business here.”

“You will leave me alone with the general,” the woman cooed in a soft, sultry voice.

“Senorita,” the doctor said. “This is not a time for games. This is an important man and he is gravely injured.”

The woman’s eyes turned blank and blood red. She looked at both men intently, then slowly repeated, “You will leave me alone with the general.”

“Bien,” the doctor said as he walked out the door. “I suppose every man deserves a pretty woman’s company in his final moments.”

“Bah,” Arroyo said as he joined the doctor. “Let’s leave them be. I need a drink.”

The door slammed shut. The woman’s eyes returned to normal as she stepped closer to the patient.

Santa Anna shivered and gritted his teeth as beads of sweat trickled down his forehead.

“Shhh,” the woman said as she ran her fingers through the general’s long, black hair. “All is well now, mi amor.”

The general’s hand twitched. The woman reached down and took it into hers. “Do you know my name?”

No response.

“Mi nombre es Legion,” the woman said. “Porque somos muchos.”

The woman rubbed her thumb up and down the back of Santa Anna’s hand. “But I suppose ‘Legion’ isn’t a very pretty name so you may call me ‘Isadora.’”

Isadora pressed her lips up against Santa Anna’s forehead and kissed it.

“I have been following your career with great interest, Antonio Lopez de Santa Anna,” Isadora said. “In my many years, I have never seen a man so willing to risk his life for his country.”

Santa Anna winced with pain. Doctor Garcia had cut away the chunks of flesh and bone, cleaned the wound and dressed it, but blood continued to pour out of the bandages only to  stain the white bed linen.

“Do you risk your life out of a sense of duty?” Isadora asked.

No answer.

“For honor?”

No answer.

Isadora’s right eyebrow raised. “Do you do it for glory?”

The general stirred.  “Ergh.”

“I can work with glory.”

Isadora opened her mouth and two pointy fangs popped out.

“Fear not, novio,” Isadora said as she drew her mouth close to Santa Anna’s neck. “This will not hurt at all compared to what you have been through already.”

The vampire chomped at the patient’s throat, then sucked on his blood, feeding herself until the general was drained.

Santa Anna murmured one last “ergh” just before his heart stopped.

Isadora bit into her wrist and opened up two holes, causing drops of blood to flow out.

The she-vamp pressed her wrist up against Santa Anna’s lips.

“Feed.”

Santa Anna remained a still, lifeless corpse.

“Feed, mi amor,” Isadora said.

Nothing.

“Feed and all of Mexico will be yours.”

Like a wild animal, Santa Anna emitted a guttural roar. He sprang up in bed. His eyes turned red. A pair of fangs popped out of his mouth. Instinctively, he used them to cut into Isadora’s wrist.

A primal thirst had taken control of the general. He quenched it with Isadora’s blood.

She was a willing donor. As she watched her new plaything nourish himself, she could not help but laugh.

“Feed and grow strong, my love.”

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