NARRATOR: This Summer…coming to a theater near you…Transformers 4. We promise it will be better because we gave the kid that ruined Indiana Jones the boot and replaced him with Boston based actor Mark Wahlberg
WAHLBERG: Oh my friggin’ Gawd, dude! Did you see that? That friggin’ robot just turned into a friggin’ CAH! Johnny, Davey, Pete, Ed, all you guys get off yah bah stools, they got friggin robots turnin’ into cahs ova hea!
NARRATOR: See Mark Wahlberg in this special effects extravaganza.
WAHLBERG: Oh, hi there Optimus Prime. It’s nice to see you. Say hello to your mother for me.
NARRATOR: Transformers 4, starring Mark Wahlberg of the movie, Fear
WAHLBERG: I’ll tell the cops you hit me.
STARSCREAM: But I didn’t even touch you!
(WAHLBERG makes a crazy face and starts pounding himself over and over again in the chest.)
STARSCREAM: You’re crazy!
NARRATOR: Transformers 4, in theaters this Friday, starring Mark Wahlberg of the Oscar winning film, The Departed.
(MEGATRON opens the door to his apartment, a startled look on his face as he sees WAHLBERG waiting for him in a track suit with paper painters’ covers on his shoes, pointing a silenced pistol at him.)
MEGATRON: Can we talk about this?
(WAHLBERG shoots MEGATRON, who collapses and dies. WAHLBERG walks out. A robotic rat is seen scurrying along the window sill.)
NARRATOR: That’s Transformers 4 – starring Mark Wahlberg of Boogie Nights
WAHLBERG: I’m gonna be a star. A great big bright shining star.
OPTIMUS PRIME: Put that away!
NARRATOR: Transformers 4 – starring Mark Wahlberg. Because we need to break up the super intense special effects scenes with occasional scenes of uninteresting human dialogue to prevent you all from getting epilepsy. Coming soon!