Category Archives: Not About Books

I feel I must advise you…

…that few things in this world are funnier than a tap dancing chimpanzee.

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Pancakes

I might cave to the pancake lobby and switch my allegiance from waffles to pancakes.

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I feel I must advise you…

…that February only has 28 days because all those months with 31 days are too selfish to share.

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Random Thoughts Part 3

21)  Did the dinosaurs talk?  I mean, like actually talk?  “Hello Mr. Brontosaurus, how are you?”  “Oh, I’m delightful Mr. Triceratops, thank you for asking.”  Scientists assume not but none of us were there.  I bet those scaly bastards talked all the time.

22)  Would Abraham Lincoln win an election today?  Or would everyone just be all like, “Great emancipator, my ass, look at that dude’s craggy ass face!”

23)  Have you ever asked Siri, “What does the fox say?”  You should try it.  Seriously, you should.

24)  Do ghosts really exist?  I hope not.  I mean sure, for the first couple years, you prank the people who move into your house.  Move their shit around while they aren’t looking and freak them out.  Break stuff.  Jump around while they’re sleeping and laugh when they jump up and try to convince themselves it was the house creeking before they go to bed.  But I have to say, that’s a pretty tedious way to spend an afterlife.  I hope ghosts get to quit that crap eventually.

25)  Few politicians of the 1960’s dared to speak out on the plight that was elderly criminals dressing up like monsters so as to manipulate real estate prices.  Scooby Doo and the good people at Hanna Barbera were the only citizens who dared bring this issue to the forefront.  And I say, god bless them.  Thanks to them, I don’t have to worry about my Grandpa dressing up like a Sasquatch to drive down the price of the local abandoned amusement park.

26)  If Star Fleet has the power to beam people anywhere in the Universe, why do they even need the Starship Enterprise?  Or the whole fleet for that matter?

27)  Speaking of, the next time you encounter a difficult situation at work, you should scratch your head and say, “Wow Boss, this is a real Kobayashi Maru!”   There is a 50% chance your boss will think you’re brilliantly citing some obscure business principle and a 50% chance your boss will think you are a stone cold crack smoker.  There’s pretty much no in between in that scenario.

28)  Am I the only one to notice that in Pulp Fiction, they make this big deal about Harvey Keitel’s character, “The Wolf,” that he’s some kind of mastermind fixer and an expert at turning around bad situations, but all he does is tell Travolta and Jackson to spray some household cleaner in the back seat and clean up all the brains?  I mean, I’m not a criminal hitman, but I feel like I could have figure out “get the paper towels and the windex” on my own.

29)  I want a helper monkey.  There’s nothing wrong with me.  I’m just lazy.  He could fetch me snacks, change the channel on my TV when I lose my remote, and write this blog.  Hell, he could probably do a better job.

30)  Sometimes I worry that people are so easily offended by the silliest things that it is really going to take a toll on the future of comedy.  I predict by the year 2100, Saturday Night Live will consist of nothing but Knock-Knock Jokes and jokes about ducks walking into bars.  Thank God I’ll be dead by then and won’t see it.  Or if they keep me alive through robotics then remind me to reblog this when I’m right.

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Asked and Anticipated Questions Re: One Post a Day Challenge

Blogger/Author Tommy Muncie posed this comment, so finely crafted, that I felt it merited an entire post:

Respect to you for doing this…I couldn’t write a short post if I tried (you’ve probably noticed) and trying one per day would probably give me an aneurysm. On that note, I reckon you’ll achieve the goal but I’m wondering how you’ll get past the day you get sick, as in the kind of sick where you’re bedridden and narcoleptic and running the kind of temperature the Sahara Dessert would be jealous of and thinking ‘Must…get…to….wordpress!’ and then your body knocks you out when you try. I read your random questions post tonight as well, so here’s a question: could you get past a day like that and still post?

– Tommy Muncie

ANSWER – I’ve been scheduling posts in advance, in the hopes of avoiding this very scenario.  However, should I fall violently ill, I will use my last bit of energy to make a post.  It won’t be anything fancy or spectacular, it will just be “post” or I’ll just bang on the keys and click “post” just to meet the once a day requirement.

Further, if, say, I am hit by a bus or otherwise left incapacitated, I have engaged a team of individuals to post in my stead, mimicking my subtle nuances and character, so that you will not even notice I am gone.

Actually, I haven’t done that, but now that I’m worried about illnesses and bus attacks on my person, I will have to do so.

Thanks a lot, Muncie!

Now that I’ve answered that question, here some others I anticipate you, my audience of three readers, may have:

QUESTION:  Suppose you are cornered by a team of robot ninjas who stand between you and your computer, preventing you from making a post?  Will you yield on your promise to us, the readers, to make one post a day?

ANSWER:  Absolutely not.  I scoff in the face of danger.  Few are aware of this, but I was trained in the martial arts by Chuck Norris.  I payed it forward by training Steven Seagal, teaching him all the moves he displayed in his movies from the 1980’s and 90’s, though I take no credit from his later films where he got fat and teamed up with Tom Arnold.

QUESTION:  An asteroid is careening towards Earth.  You have one minute to save the world and you have not yet posted on this particular day.  What do you do?

ANSWER:  I make a quick post, then I frighten the asteroid back into space with a glare so fearsome that it clearly communicates to the asteroid my disapproval of its tiresome behavior.

QUESTION:  A grizzly bear demands to fist fight you in a steel cage UFC championship bout.  The prize?  Your computer.  If you win, you get to post.  If you loose, the bear eats your computer.

ANSWER:  My post will be a selfie of me wearing the bear’s oily hide as a coat.

QUESTION:  Aliens invade.  They detonate an electromagnetic pulse that renders all electronic equipment useless.

ANSWER:  It’s fine.  I scheduled an advance post.

QUESTION:  You didn’t.  You were too busy watching Game of Thrones, that show that Tommy Muncie is not impressed with.  Blasphemy, I say.

ANSWER:  I did post.

QUESTION:  You didn’t.

ANSWER:  Well, if your computer is taken out too, then how can you be sure I didn’t?

QUESTION:  Well played, sir.  Well played.

QUESTION:  You are kidnapped by Russians, who want your blog down because it is too awesome.  They throw you, your computer, and a parachute out of a plane, but separately, not together.

ANSWER:  I dive myself to the computer, post, then put on the parachute.  Note that my first instinct was to post, not to save myself.

QUESTION:  Katy Perry and Katee Sackhoff, two of your favorite Katies in the entire world, barge into your domicile, each wearing their customary garb.  Perry is in her California Girls video costume, while Sackhoff is in her Battlestar Galactica pilot gear.  They offer to have their way with you, but the price?  You must not post for one day.

ANSWER:  Define “have their way with me.”  I understand the classical connotation, but it is an open ended term that can be taken a variety of ways.  Thus far, in my experience, a woman “having her way with me” means she sucks up all my money, provides me with a longwinded speech about how we should just be friends, and then said friendship inevitably requires that I console her while she, with a cat in one hand and a pint of ice cream in the other, whines to me about how the men she wants to be more than friends with aren’t nice to her.  I feel such a situation would not be worth sacrificing the respect of my three readers for.

QUESTION:  The classical connotation.

ANSWER:  Ah.  Wow.  That is a tough one.  They won’t even allow me to post just so I can brag about it?

QUESTION: No.

ANSWER:  Well, I made a promise to all three of my fans, so I would invite the Katies in for a rousing game of Parcheesi, perhaps build a few jigsaw puzzles with them, then send them on their way in time to make a post.  That’s just what a selfless man who has made a commitment does.

QUESTION:  Would you resent us forever for it?

ANSWER:  Yes.

Do you have questions about what I would do in a potential scenario that would make it difficult for me to post?  Ask away in the comments.

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Random Thoughts…

…that plague the mind of Bookshelf Q. Battler, in no particular order:

1)  Why does Elsa view her magic freeze powers as a curse?  Why does she not use them to control the world and rule her subjects with an icey fist?

2)  Why do they put braille on restroom door signs?  Do blind men rub their hands all over the walls of public buildings, find a braille door sign, go, “Whoops! That’s the ladies room!” and then feel their way around again to the men’s room?  And would it matter if he went into the wrong room?  Because, you know, he’s blind, so it’s not like he’s going to see anything.

Yes, noble readers, who have followed me on my year long quest to post once a day, these are the thoughts that fill the deep recesses of my mind.  Trivial, absurd, ridiculous minutiae that few bother to even consider.

Thoughts like:

3)  Why do aliens only abduct people from the South?  And why do aliens abduct humans at all anymore?  One would think at some point, their skilled alien scientists would reach a limit as to what can be learned from probe related experiments.  I dare say, somewhere in outer space, an alien scientist has published an article entitled, “Stop Probing the Humans, We Figured Them All Out” and yet, it’s being ignored, because he only posted it on alien wordpress.

4)  If a tree falls in the woods, and no one is there to hear it, does it make a sound?  Yes –  KKKKKRRRRRRRRRACCCCCK BOOOOOOM!

5) Why does Hollywood ugly up good looking people so they can play ugly people?  They did it to Charlize Theron in Monster and Christian Bale in American Hustle.  Somewhere, there is an overweight man with a combover who would have been perfect to played the lead role in American Hustle.  The poor guy probably ignored advice from countless friends and family members – “No!  Don’t move to Hollywood and try to be an actor!  There will never be a part for a fat man with a combover!”  And finally, finally!  There’s a part for a fat man with a combover and what do they do?  They take a handsome man, stuff his shirt with a pillow, and give him a fake combover wig.

Damn you, beautiful people!  Don’t you already have enough?  Why must you steal parts from the ugly?

6)  If you give a man a fish, he will eat for a day.  If you teach a man to fish, he will eat for a lifetime.  If you take a man to Crazy Larry’s All-You-Can-Eat Discount Fish Nugget Bar, he will get food poisoning.

7)  How was it possible for the A-Team to evade justice for so many years?  How was the government not able to find a team that included the handsomest man in the world, an old man who smoked a giant stogie everywhere he went, a lunatic who inevitably broke out into loud and boisterous songs, and an enormous bodybuilder who was dripping with solid gold chains?

8)  Was Stonehenge an ancient druid singles bar?

9) Is the Yeti little more than Big Foot’s Arctic cousin?

10)  When Santa delivers a kid an X-Box, does he have to pay Bill Gates a royalty?

Join me tomorrow, I was will bring you more…RANDOM THOUGHTS.

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Super Bowl Ads

Vin Diesel driving a car between two buildings?!  That’s super awesome and doesn’t defy the laws of physics and gravity whatsoever!!!  Sign me up to see that movie!

What are your favorite Super Bowl Ads so far?

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Ballgate

I don’t like to get too controversial on the Bookshelf Battle.

You have your views on the world.  I have mine.  Someone else has theirs.  That guy has his.  Put four people in a room, ask them a question, and you might get five different answers.  Yes, I said five.  One person might be confused.

That being said, this ball inflation story is the dumbest, most blatantly manufactured non-news story I’ve ever seen.  You’ve got Isis running amuck.  The President and Cabinet of Yemen just resigned rather than face the wrath of rebels.  Boko Haram is wondering around Africa kidnapping every school girl they can find.  The King of Saudi Arabia just died.  What will that mean for the direction of the Middle East?

And what’s on my TV?  Detailed reports of the size, color, and consistency of the New England Patriots’ balls.

Ahem, their footballs.

Yes, I made that hacky joke.

WHO CARES?

Look, I’m a nerd and I’m proud of it.  I don’t know much about football at all.  I don’t really even see the point. One guy throws a ball.  Another guy catches it.  They run around and try to take the ball from each other.  And everyone watches it like its the greatest thing in the world.

And God Bless you if you like it.  I’m not knocking it.  To each their own.

But with my limited knowledge of football, I have to assume that since the Colts lost against the Patriots 47-7, NO AMOUNT OF BALL INFLATION IN THE WORLD COULD HAVE HELPED THEM!

I’m sorry.  This whole story just sounds like sour grapes.  The ball has more air.  The ball has less air.  Who gives a crap?  If you’re a football expert, please explain how more or less air can affect ball handling.  No, that’s not even a joke.  I want to know how air in a ball can affect the handling of a ball.  What?  Stop laughing!

And I mean, we can all get along.  If you think the Patriots are like, Public Enemy #1 now because they allegedly used improperly inflated balls, then please feel free to say so.

It’s not like I really even care one way or the other, but I just feel the press has a duty to report the news, not invent it, and all these talking heads opining about “who knew how much air was in the ball?” and “why wasn’t there enough air in the ball?”  and so on, just seems like people talking for the sake of hearing themselves talk.

And people need to stop calling this “Ballgazi.”  People actually died in Benghazi.  I don’t even like calling it Ballgate.  Watergate was a serious criminal operation that greatly dragged down the American people’s faith in government.  Meanwhile, this story is about a ball.

A ball!  Stop talking about balls!!!

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Call of Duty

Dear Loyal Readers,

Due to circumstances beyond my control, book reviews will be on hold for the foreseeable future.  Thank you for your understanding.  Have a nice day.

 

 

“War must be, while we defend our lives against a destroyer who would devour all; but I do not love the bright sword for its sharpness, nor the arrow for its swiftness, nor the warrior for his glory. I love only that which they defend.” – J.R.R. Tolkien, The Two Towers
See that?  Sooner or later I always manage to tie it all into literature.  If you miss my witty commentary while I am trying to prevent video game-ized Kevin Spacey from conquering the world, feel free to follow me on twitter: @bookshelfbattle
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The Walking Dead – 11/02/14

After a hiatus, Beth returned to tonight’s Walking Dead with an all Beth episode.

WARNING – GRR ARGH ZOMBIE SPOILERS AHEAD

Beth wakes up in a hospital in Atlanta.  To borrow Talking Dead’s term, she’s been “save-napped.”  A hospital operated by police officers and one remaining doctor (he conspires to get another doctor killed for his own job security, so to speak)  have saved her but now they expect her to work in indentured servitude until she works off her debt.  In other words – there is no safe refuge in the Walking Dead.  Woodbury, Terminus, now the Hospital – they’re all run by someone evil and they all abuse their subjects.

Guinea pigs for dinner, a pervert police officer gets his come-uppance, Beth and a fellow captive, Noah (played by that kid from Everybody Hates Chris) make an escape attempt but Beth gets caught.

At the very end of the episode, Carol is admitted as a patient.  The history of the show tells us that Carol won’t put up with this crap.

What’s next for The Walking Dead?  Bookshelfbattle.com will be discussing the show every Sunday night and check out my Walking Dead Tweets by following @bookshelfbattle

In conclusion, GRR!  ARGH!  BRAINS!

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