REAL NAME: Eduardo Ricardo Papageorgio Von Finklestein
CODE NAME: Bookshelf Quvenzhané (Q.) Battler
NICKNAME: BQB
OFFICIAL TITLE: A World Renowned Poindexter, Reviewer of Pop Cultural Happenings and a Champion Yeti Fighter
BIOGRAPHY: As a young boy, BQB was abandoned by his biological parents, left on the doorstep of his Aunt Gertie and Uncle Hardass (i.e. Mr. and Mrs. Scrambler) with nothing but the clothes on his back and a magic bookshelf.
Growing up, it was an interesting existence in the Scrambler household. Aunt Gertie was carefree and nurturing whereas Uncle Hardass, a longtime advocate for the virtue of a hard day’s work, attempted to get his nephew a job at the salt mines on his third birthday. Despite disguising young BQB with a fake mustache and claiming the lad to be an adult little person, the foreman was a wily one and not to be fooled.
There are no words that adequately capture the sense of wonder Mr. Battler felt when he put a book on his shelf for the first time only to have the characters pop out in little versions of themselves and talk to him. The first such characters to do this were Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson (created by the esteemed Sir Arthur Conan Doyle).
Other characters would follow to keep the boy company, which he desperately needed as no one at school wanted anything to do with such a prominent poindexter. (Back in those days, geek/nerd culture just wasn’t as accepted as it is today. Pioneers like BQB made it possible for you to let your nerd flag fly today, millennial nerds.)
Uncle Hardass’ lessons in stick-to-it-tivity were not lost on our nerdy hero. As a young man, BQB held a number of positions, including, but not limited to: dog, hamster, rabbit, and ferret walker, catapult repairman, donkey washer, parking lot valet, gum scraper, fungus cleaner, hand model, toilet scrubber, taco chef, pizza delivery man and amateur thumb wrestler.
It wasn’t easy juggling all of those jobs, but he did it to put himself through college at the Advanced Science Institute of Science University, where he trained in the ways of science under the highly respected scientist, Dr. Hugo Von Science.
After graduation, Mr. Battler declined opportunities in the science industry to focus on his true passion – writing. In his youth, BQB spent many a night writing stories, beginning with his first epic, The Attack of the Killer Mutant Fish. It was universally panned by the magic bookshelf characters, who were kind enough to listen to BQB recite his tales.
BQB landed a job as a staff writer at The Encylopedia Factory, which paid him a modest wage to write articles about the world all day long. It wasn’t much, but it was a foot in the door in the industry he loved, so it made him happy.
Unfortunately, his girlfriend at the time, Ms. Bland Life “Blandie” Settler was anything but. After viciously ridiculing BQB’s desire to become a successful writer (as well as making a number of slanderous and false statements about BQB’s prowess in the boudoir), Blandie dumped BQB like yesterday’s garbage, leaving our nerdy hero depressed, heartsick and forlorn.
He threw away his pens, pencils, notebooks and other writing paraphernalia and went to night school to retrain in the field of business, as he believed that becoming a rich, douchy businessman was the only path to winning the love of a woman.
Upon graduation from the Advanced Business Institute of Business University (under the tutelage of noted businessman Dalton Von Business), BQB quit his beloved job as an encyclopedia writer to take an entry level position as the Assistant to the Assistant of the Vice President of Corporate Assistance at Beige Corp, the world’s premiere producer of beige products and supplies. If you want a drab color that doesn’t make a statement, contact Beige Corp. today!
Mr. Battler assumed this position would be a mere stepping stone on his way to becoming a fabulously wealthy hot chick attracting businessman but alas, many years later, he still holds the same job, only makes a few cents more than he did as an encyclopedia writer, and often wonders what his life would have been like had he spent his time pursuing the career he wanted rather than the one everyone else wanted him to want.
In 2014, a depressed and dejected BQB was stuffing his face hole with a burrito in a Taco Bell parking lot when it occurred to him that self publishing technology had grown to the point where it was possible for him to pursue a writing career in his free time.
The Bookshelf Battle Blog, located at bookshelfbattle.com, was born and BQB spent most of 2014 figuring out to blog. He’s still working on it. If you’ve figure it out, let him know.
While the blog began as a tribute to BQB’s favorite literature, past and present, along with scenes of the battles that rage across his magic bookshelf, it eventually morphed into a chronicle of his efforts to become a successful writer, and the adventures that occur along the way.
Aliens, zombies, an evil yeti, bookshelf characters that run up his credit card bills and destroy his house – Mr. Battler is a magnet for all things supernaturally weird but somehow he always saves the day, because when it comes down to it, BQB may not be much to look at, but he is a survivor.
Bookshelf Battle 